I need some advice on relationships. I'm hoping someone here who has been in a long relationship can shed some insight on how they compromise with their significant other and how to keep a relationship. I feel like I'm in a dead end situation and unless something is done, I'm going to lose this girl.

I've been dating this girl for about 4 years now and we plan on getting married sometime in the future. This is my first long relationship and for the most part, there hasn't been any major issues excpet just recently.

She returned from her trip to Taiwan a week ago and since then, she has expressed on a few occasions how she wishes to return to Taiwan to live/vacation for a year or two and would like me to come along.

Initially I said "no" due to several reasons. I've never even visited the country and I don't speak the native language. I speak Cantonese, not Mandarin. So there's the language barrier. Second, I don't know how we're going to be able to finance the stay for so long. I'm still one and one-half year from completing medschool and I have lots of loans to repay. Hence, my only source of income is actually the school loan. She's working already as a 2nd year resident doctor, but she doesn't make much at this point either. Third, what am I going to do in Taiwan for a year? Sure I can vacation and sightsee, but after all that is done, what then?? I've suggested that I would be willing to vacation there for a month at the most, but not for a year. She seemed to imply that a month was too short.

Honestly, I feel like I'm the only practical person here while she is living some fantasy that she can live in Taiwan with no worries. She has a house here which she'll end up selling she says which would help pay for the long trip. Fine. But what happens then when we come back?

Second issue, I've come to find out that the fact that I can't speak Mandarin-Chinese is playing a factor here too. I was aware of this earlier on before we started dating, but it didn't matter for the longest time. Only after the trip did it resurface. For one, I can't communicate with her parents well and second, for some reason she prefers to converse in her native language cause it has a different feel as she says. She speaks English fluently btw. This part I'm not so sure how to tackle. I certainly can't pick up a language that easily. I'm 28 and my brain is already fried from studying medicine, nor do I have the time either.

In the end, I know there has got to be some compromise. That's how relationships stay healthy. But how far do I go without me feeling that I'm losing my own desires? I do love her very much though but at the same time I'm feeling insecure in that I don't have much to offer.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm depressed and feeling alone on this. I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up with my chest feeling tight and my stomach queasy. I needed to ramble here. I don't even know how to approach her about these issues.

Any advice? your own personal story?

 

Language barrier is far easier to tackle. The question is whether you are willing to give up your future dream/plan for this girl. I assume you don't go to med school for fun, right? You must have certain plans, including paying your student loan. Of course, this girl must be part of dream now. How big is her part? Making a sudden detour and go to Taiwan with her sounds a bit crazy to me.

I'm never good at offering suggestion. I'll say stick to your plan and complete your med school and training, but you probably won't listen. I know a Taiwanese girl in a similar situation as your gf. Her family, as well as herself, wanted to return to Taiwan after college. Taiwanese values family, you have to keep that in mind. I guess vacation is not the reason she's going back for.

What you can do in a year in Taiwan? Find a job. Trust me. It's super easy. You got fluent English and will be getting a med licence. Finding a job in hospital shouldn't be too hard. The problem is, the experience isn't helping you much once you get back to US.

Always think on the bright side. Life goes on in a strange way.

 

I say, if you really love this girl, talk with her and compromise. Don't say that you won't consider it, but rather that it'll be something to think about after you finish med school. You could also go to Taiwan and work to become a certified doctor there. They make good money and the cost of living is low. Plus, they're so crazy over westerners that if you tell them you have a degree from a school in the US, then they will just adore you. The language barrier is easy enough to tackle.

However, it all comes down to discussing it with this girl. If she really cares about you, she'll take your side of things into consideration. I'm guessing that you don't have many friends in Taiwan, but she does. Therefore, going to a new environment could be a hard change for you. Really sit down and talk about everything with her. Don't yell, don't argue, just discuss. Cover all the important things such as work, living situation, expenses, cost of relocation, etc. Then decide what is best for the both of you. If you go about this the right way, it won't matter what ends up happening in the end, you'll both be happy that you were part of the decision, whatever the outcome.

 

Her family permanently lives in California actually, San Jose. She wants to go back cause I guess she did grow up there (up until highschool) and her recent trip reminded her of how much fun it is. On the other hand, she didn't have to work and face the reality of life while she was there. Like I said, a fantasy life. It was pretty much an escape from the frustrations she has here in the US, like her job, mainly. And though she said she missed me, she casually states that she wished she didn't have to come back. Ouch. Or maybe I just took it the wrong way. I'm finding myself being more insecure these days.

Thanks for the inputs guys. I really appreciate it. I've been kinda bottling it up inside me,but I feel better having letting it out. After reading both posts, I think it has something to do with my fear of leaving my comfort zone and as a result, not willing to compromise. Maybe it's also a guy thing. I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one who compromise on so much. I'm so used to things here and I'm quite independent. It imagine it is so different. As for work, I suppose I can find something there like you said. It just seems like a waste to me since the experience won't really transfer here to the US when I apply for residency. But then again, a good girl is hard to find these days.

 

Have to ask a few questions first...Do her parents live there? Or is it just extended family? That right there could make a big difference. Second question is how much do you give and how much does she take in the relationship? Is it all pretty equal or are you asking this b/c you are the giver and she is the taker and you are about at the end of your giving rope?

Personally, moving to another city or even another state would prob be ok. But, another country while you are in the middle of your education?? That is absurd! If you ask me...she is asking you to make a decision between her and your career/education. That is not fair at all. Not fair of her to even put you in that position b/c if you think about it... no matter what decision you make you end up looking like the bad guy. IF you mean that much to her she would not force you to make a choice like that.

Maybe you could do a month vacation for now and when you are done school and have your degree you could consider making that move!

Best of luck with the situation! But you also need to consider how much she values the relationship if she is not willing to compromise on this issue!!!

 

did you consult your TSX, what's it going to do for a year!!

Personally, she sounds like she's being very immature. Moving to another country on a whim because you miss it regardless of common sense or lack of planning is just plain stupid (my girlfriend refers to this as "romantic"). Its unfair for her to expect you to drop your education for her fun, especially with loans, etc.

My suggestions, pop her the question and then plan out a wedding so she has to stay in the states :devil: Or go with her for a extended vacation till she realizes, that she'll need a job and life sucks the same no matter where you are. But whatever you do, don't let her go there w/o you , that's just asking for trouble.

 

I majored in Psych, so pardon my psycho-anylasis, but I'm gonna give it to you anyways. I don't think she really wants to live in Taiwan, but instead, she is looking for something in her life that she felt while she was there. Maybe it's the freedom from job, responsibilites, the "childhood" memories etc. (the "fantasy world" you mentioned) or possibly a closeness to friends/family and her roots. She could be in a place in life (or in the relationship!) where she is feeling like she is loosing who she is as a person and the trip there made her feel like herself again. I don't necessarily think it is about you, so much as it is her. I agree with you (amazing, since I am a woman!!) that moving around the world for a year after just getting out of med school is probably not the best idea. I think you are being reasonable by saying that you would take an extended trip there, perhaps she can stay for a few weeks after you leave, as well. But, overall, I'd say there is something deeper providing this urge to up and move back to her childhood home. Wow..that was deep.. P.S. If you have the brain power, it probably would be good for you to learn Mardarin. (I wish I could learn Mandarin!!) Especially if you did it on the sneak and surprised her with it. She would love you for that..trust me!!

 

I agree with Sara. Eventhough I am not a Psyc major, I am a deep thinker and tend to be in the Psyc mindset. Everything she said makes sense, however none of us really know what kind of relationship you have with your woman. I was in a relationship where there wasn't much compromise. I gave alot more than I received and I was actually disrepected for it. It was like she was testing me or setting me up. All I know is I went out of my way for her and got nothing to show for it. She took advantage of the fact that I loved her enough to put aside my wants and needs for her to the point where she walked all over me. She is long gone and I told myself I will never let myself in that position again, granted I still tend to give more in relationships, but I won't let myself be walked on and treated like sh*t again.

your first post sounded like you give more and she just wants and wants and wants with out ever giving anything back. If she is like that, then I don't think you can be happy for the rest of your life with this girl. I doubt you are in the same situation I was in but deep down, you know what YOU need to do. Just get on here and let out some steam and we'll be here to listen! I hope things work out for you!

 

I think the answer is to say "I'm Rick James, B*tch"

 

Audio Clips:
I'm one of the baddest motha's of all time. One of the best singers and one of the best looking motha's you've ever seen! Hold my drink b*tch!
I'm Rick James B*tch!
Enjoy Yo' Self! Ha Ha Ha

 

Is she worth the sacrifice? Make a list of the things you like about her and the things you hate. Then make another list of the pros/cons of moving to Taiwan or staying in the U.S. I do feel that it is a bit drastic to expect you to move to a foreign country where you feel uncomfortable. It's probably a very hard decision to make without being in your shoes. Eitherway, it's gonna hurt. But, like I say...there are more fishes in the sea.

I'm a bit of a pessimist b/c I tend to think "expect the worst, but hope for the best" and that has worked out for me.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience. I was in the same situation with my first girlfriend, but it was only for 9 months so it wasn't as hard to get over her. But yeah, it was a one way relationship with her. With my current gf though, she's the greatest, which is why this is so tough on me. Part of me wants to do what makes her happy. Keeping her would make me happy right? Or am I fooling myself?

Actually, when I got into medschool..she was finishing up her 4th year of medical school back in my hometown where me actually met. When it came down to her resideny program, she accepted the residency program here in Pittsburgh in order to be closer to me. This is a girl who got accepted to Harvard and Stanford, but gave that up to go to Pittsburgh instead to be with me. I told her not to because it was a big opportunity for her, but there was no talking sense to the girl. Not that I mind. .....but now this.

SaraWI You did a good psych-analysis. I know she is quite frustrated with her life here with her job being so intense. I don't know how to make it better. I just hope she realizes that by her going to Taiwan is just like running away from reality. Maybe our relationship has also reached a plateau at this point. I suppose I haven't done some nice things for her in awhile. Picking up Mandarin is hard...I tried once and it was a no go.

Oh yeah, just wanted to say thanks to all who have shared or gave some input. It's gotten me to think better and have a more positive outlook.

 

Before I met my gf, I was dating 2 other chicas. I dropped one and picked up my current gf. Then I asked myself, "self, who can you see yourself with 6 months down the road?" Well, the girl I picked has been with me for 4 years. I finally got bamboozled and got the ring, asked her dad, told my parents...now all I have to do is ask her. I even switched colleges to be closer to her. Nothing as dramatic as possibly moving to another country. I suppose she is the "one" since she seems to put up with my "shit" and still stay by my side. Sorry I am rambling cause I got the gitters...

Fooman, would she move with you if the situation was reversed?

 

I did make a list like you mentioned. There are more things I like about her and the things I disliked were petty things so that means I want to keep her I guess. But like you said, is it worth the sacrifice? I'm still deciding on that....

Just to be a bit immature for a little bit, this will all go away if China invades and takes over Taiwan. I know she won't go back if that happens.

 

Fooman, do you think you two can remain strong if she goes to Taiwan and you stayed (do the long distance thing)?

 

Well, not sure about moving to another country, but like I said in my previous post, she did give up some prestigous residency programs in order to be closer to me. That definitely counted for something in my eyes. I'm not even sure if I could have done that.
Oh yeah, she also puts up with my car addiction....I have like 60 diecast models taking up half of her guest room and she doesn't mind. And she likes my TSX!

 

Probably initially, but I think after a while, it will get tiring just trying to keep emails and trying to talk on the phone due to time changes, etc. I'm willing to bet she'll find some guy there who will obviously speak Mandarin Chinese and will say things she wants to hear. You know how guys are. We say anything almost to get the girl sometimes.

 

yep, she did give up alot (Harvard/Stanford) to be with you. Maybe you should just give her....1-6 months in Taiwan and maybe you'll get to like it. Think of it as a new challenge or a new experience. Maybe you'll like it and make new friends. BUT, you gotta finish med school first. As for parents...I don't think you should sweat it. It's not their life, it is your life and your gf's life. And you two deserve to be happy. Heck, if I listened to my parents (mainly my mother), I'd still be a virgin, gfless, and probably entered into some sort of arranged marriage. Thank God for my rebel side. Haha.

 

eek, the list things reminds me too much of the movie "Along Came Polly"... if you didn't see it, consider yourself lucky

 

Like I said earlier Foo, you know what YOU have to do deep down. You just need to cope with that. Whether it be make this girl happy and return the favor of not going to Hardvard and whatnot or just don't put up with her demands. Like I said we only have one side of the story and no matter how hard you may try to not make it biased, it could very well be. YOU are the only here who knows what has really gone on. I trust you already have made the right decision in your head and now all you have to do is act on it, whatever it may be.

Instead of us telling you what to do how about YOU tell us what it is that you should do.

 

"I'm willing to bet she'll find some guy there who will obviously speak Mandarin Chinese and will say things she wants to hear. You know how guys are. We say anything almost to get the girl sometimes."
-Fooman

But does she love you enough to not allow shit like that to cloud her mind? I ask my GF all the friggin time if she is sure that I am the "ONE" for her. She's white and I am not..but I pass for Mexican/Hawaiian and she always says I am. I sometimes suggest that maybe we need some time apart so that she can be sure....cause I want to be sure too, ya know (damn my dumb stick, hehehe).

You know, I've heard that if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it was meant to be. If not, then it wasn't meant to be. I personally think that is bullshit. I don't think I would take my gf back knowing she was "with" some other guy. I would just feel dirty. Hmmm... maybe you should take her to see "The Notebook." Maybe it'll put everything in perspective for her about ya'lls relationship. And for you single guys....take a girl to see that movie and she'll be butter in your hands.

 

Sounds like a wild dream. I would talk about, point by point, with her and steer to the important point that life is better (in terms of education and professional opportunities) for both of you in the U.S. BTW, I'm foreign, too.

Later on, you guys could both go out and help people in another country as part of your post-school education. You won't make much money, though; so paying off those loans are going to be difficult.

 

Dude, that just sounds pretty odd, ma man...

She isn't the type to play games with your head, is she? Cuz I've dated some hella psychos and they always pull some outragous lines like that.

Seriously, I think she's having anxiety issues with her current situation. Maybe she's stressed and really in need of a comfort zone, which she thinks exists in another country... far, far away from the hassles. I think the pressures and stresses in her life has driven her to think without logically judging the consequences of her actions in the long term.

I hate to do this, cuz I know peeps in medical professions have this stigma about the issue, but I think she should see a therapist or some sort of an equivalent to work out what the underlying issues are for her need to escape her current situation. Who knows, maybe it's something simple that she just needs to release and it'll all be good. It could also be deeper issues that needs to be dealt with quickly.

Junkster, who just wants a nice, normal girlfriend with no issues attached... does that exist?

 

let her go back and join her after you are completely done with school...if your relationship is strong...nothing gonna change

if you decided to go with your girl and leave school...what are you left with if she decided to leave you?....nothing...no education, no job...no girl

if you stay in school...all you got to lose is your girl...your knowledge stay with you and you can always find another girl.

no education = no job or low pay job = no TSX = long term frustrations

no girl = no love (or sex) = short term saddness (you can always buy sex... )

but seriously, don't let a girl to ruin your future. there are many trees in the forest...

best of luck...NEVER LET GO OF THE TSX (hope u got what i meant)

 

It's good to see someone has their priorities straight.

 

Well put. Isn't that just like the ladies?

 

So I talked to her last night about all of this. Basically just spilled my guts and told her how I felt. She states she is 100% certain that she wants to go back for a year at least. She would obviously go after completing her residency (in another 3 years). Anyway, in our discussion, I told her that I'd keep my options open and would consider going to Taiwan for the sake of the relationship. In the end, she said that if I wanted to go, then she would wait for me to finish my residency too. So that means I'd be able to finish my medical education.

So this issue seems to be solved...at least for now, meaning that I think she could very well change her mind and decide to go even before I finish my residency, because as she states, she is getting old and she feels that she needs to be more spontaneous. She said since she is single now, it's easier for her to do so because marriage, in her mind, will make it more difficult to travel or "live her life".

If she did go without me, she said I shouldn't worry about our relationship since she says a year is a safe time frame to be apart and that I shouldn't feel so insecure. Easy to say I guess, but I'm just more weary because I know from other people's experience that long distance relationships don't work out in the end. Could ours be an exception? Who knows. What's funny is that she ends the conversation by sharing a story of how one of her good friends actually dumped her boyfriend of 7 years after meeting another guy while they were doing the long distance thing.

 

Funny that you said she should see a therapist because she's actually in training to do child psychiatry. And btw, a girl without issues does not exist.

 

She doesn't sound too convincing. You said she thinks of herself as single. Well technically I guess she is "single" but IMO, 4 years in a relationship counts for something and I wouldn't consider that single. In my mind single is no attachments at all and partying with a different chick every night. Single is not being in any relationship at all. Like I said this is my opinion.

 

glad its solved temporary, but those are some pretty weird signs she's giving off. Does she have the impression that you guys will get married down the road like you do? do both of you have the same perspective/outlook on your relationship? sounds like she's way worried about being tied down.

And yeah, the spontaneous thing is crap, too many chick flicks... like my gf's favorite, "fools rush in." Spontaneous to me means finding a new city/clothes/boyfriends because you're not happy and think changing everything will make it better. quell that spirit

 

you should try dateing white girls. They don't give you all this drama. haha on the real though why don't you just need some time apart, because then you'll know your true feelings for her.

 

Single?? 4 years is a long time to be with someone and claim yourself to be single. I've been with my GF for 4 yrs and she definitely does not think she or I are single. And to end the conversation about her friend dumping her bf after 7 years...hmmm... sounds shady. Has she been acting strange lately? Distant? Could be a sign of things to come.

I hope the best for you, but remember....there are always more fishes in the sea.

 

If I'm too new to be giving fellow members advice, then I apologize, but Fooman, your last post about the discussion you had with her seems very unsettling. I've been with my GF for barely over a year, and if I were to say or imply that either of us were single, there would be one very hurt lady in my relationship. If she considers herself single, then she doesn't really consider herself attached to you. If she wants to "live her life" while she's still single, then that means she has to actually BE single, or else she's already missed that boat.

And ending with that little story....it almost seems like she was placating you with the "one year is a safe time period" B.S. and then telling you what is really going to happen if she goes there by herself.

I don't know really what to tell you though, I personally would be very hurt if I had heard those things coming out of my girlfriend's mouth.

 

Yeah, I always wondered why she considered herself single and I've actually asked her about at one time. I remember her saying something like how we're not married so technically she is single. I personally consider myself non-single. And I have to admit that it did bother me the first time I heard it from her mouth, but the subject never came up again until just recently when we were discussing about her going to Taiwan, etc.

Well, so far the relationship has gotten back to normal. She doesn't talk much about Taiwan now, but she still has the desire to go. As for me, I'm doing much better now and have decided not to go all out on future gifts or favors for her. I'm only doing this so in case of unforseeable breakup, I won't be feeling like I gave my all....especially my hard earned money from school loans.

 

I think you can chock this up to being a phase...

I mean you are both reasonably young and dont have to make lifelong commitments at this point but I dont think that you should throw the baby out with the bathwater quite yet.

The real question you have to ask yourself is how do you feel about her?

After 4 years do you still look forward to seeing her/hearing from her or has it become status quo and boring?

If you still have a good feeling deep down about her then I say stick it out but dont hold back. If you hold back it will start to come out in was you dont even know or expect and you will end up making the relationship end unconciously.

Just my 2c

 

hey

 

OK, you asked for it, plz no offense. But your post sounds purely idiotic to me....actually pissed me off.

First of all : NO offense intended vs anyone. But this is car-carzy forum , NOT the place for this kinda question, there is whole lot other venues where people are far more knowledgeable & mature and caring - just MO, just suggestion.

Second: I am pretty darn sure most people on this forum don't know SQUAT about Cantones/Taiwanes/Chinese thing....
(they are DIALECTS - meaning ONLY the pronounciation is different)
Like I still had no idea what the fecking hell the mess in former Yugoslavia/Bosnia was all about.

>>I speak Cantonese, not Mandarin. So there's the language barrier.

Geeesus , what fecking "language barrier" ??? you made it sound like one is Albanian and the other Korean....arrgh
For those of you non-Chinese...Analogy: it's like some LA Hispanic dude whining he can not handle the Spanish spoken in Spain. Really !
Shame on ya dude. I have come across countless Cantonese speakers and I swear to God NO one was like you(well except a few 70+ yr-old ex-peasants)....sure
there are plenty of those that kinda "struggle" but no way like it's Albanian-Korean !

And for your info: there are plenty non-Chinese people who learned the standard Mandarin first & then picked up a little Cantonese just for kicks.
So suggest LEARNING. I also know some Japanese, good bit of German, decent Spanish.

Sorry no advices from me & for kicking your ass like this but I hope I kicked some sense into ya. (eg the BARRIER IS IN YOUR HEAD)

 

This is a DATING AND RELATIONSHIP section. If we didn't want these things discussed here we would not have created the section, so STFU.

 

Take it easy.
I know I know.
I was not talking about what "we" want or don't want here.
I was just voicing MY opinion/suggestion TO FOOMAN that this being car-crazy forum is not the best spot for this type of discussion.

 

And obviously you're not one of them

You have no fucking clue what you're talking about. Dialects in Chinese are very different from regional variations here in the US. Learn a little more about the language and culture before you start flapping those lips of yours.

Umm...not quite. In fact, the only thing they share is a written language. The pronunciations are not only different, but are closer to being to totally separate languages.

Try learning some Chinese before you try and bullshit people. I am a native speaker of Mandarin and learning Taiwanese is like learning to speak a whole different language. The same with Cantonese. Learning it can be accomplished, but typically takes more than a year.

So next time, before you blabber your ignorant little mouth off, think about the things you say. If you don't know shit, don't say shit.