I got a good buddy of mine (female) and she's dating this stupid immature guy that has cheated on her, lied to her and has constantly been a hypocrite and has almost gotten them both killed (street racing, and he does it on a frequent basis)
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She got into an accident a few months ago and he drove by it, looked at her straight in the face from a riced out civic he spent 20K modding (swap) and brushed it off and when to work, no call or text to see how she was doing. She was t-boned and her car was totaled, I had to go and help her out.
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he recently started acting really immature and has caused her a lot of pain. I got to talking with her and the only advice that i could give her (that I had the courage to tell her) was that she should take her time, weight out the pros and cons of him, and decide weather he's worth the pain and sacrifice that you give to him. I also told her that he was an immature deadbeat (said he couldn't afford to call her after the accident (40 cents isn't going to kill you on a cell phone bill dude, especially if the GF is in an accident and being taken to the hospital)) and you should seriously consider leaving him. Her response was that she loved him and never had been this attached to someone, yet she has no intentions of staying with him for live (married). I also added in that she didn't deserve the pain and didn't deserve the deception from him.
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Is there any other advice I can give her, as a male friend, that can help her dump this low-life and get her moving along in life?


Cliffs:
Good female buddy, bad relationship with BF.
BF is immature deadbeat with no brain
BF cheats on her, lies to her and street races (almost killed them both once)
She loves him but doesn't know what to do.
Need advice on what to tell her

Got any further ideas for her?

 

Hey Csmeane,

I think I couldn't say it better than myself. I agree with what you said. Honestly love can make idiots of the people we care about. Even though we can paint the bigger picture in front of them, it seems like they are looking at it through ripped contact lenses. BLURRED & IRRITATED at the remark. Being a girl and the witness to high school drama and a reader of all those relationship books, there is very little that you can do. It's not like you didn't tell her that she is dating a douche bag because you obviously did. It is really up to her to listen to what you said.

Women are difficult to understand. I already have enough problems figuring myself out.

All I can really suggest to you is just be there for her. She is going to need someone to be there for her once she figures it out herself. If she doesn't figure it out...you bite your lip and accept it. Sometimes its going to hurt you to know that she is wasting her life with this guy, but that's how people learn. They learn from actually falling down on their ass & they realize that the people around them are alright..

keep me posted.

 

thanks, I know that falling on your ass and learning is the best way to learn sometimes, but I don't want to see her get hurt as I really do care for her, I left in the middle of class (college) as soon as i got a phone call from her that she was in an accident and was being checked out by paramedics, and mind you tis was 30 miles from where she had her accident and I was there in 20 minutes to her aid, while her BF was 5 minutes away and didn't call. I know all to well that women are hard to understand and to tell something, but at some point the message gets though, and it is waiting that is killing me for her to get the message and move on.

 

Pointless really.

If you get her to dump this guy, you'll just have to deal with her crying on your shoulder when her next b/f treats her like shit.

Here's what you do...go ahead and pull out all the stops and try to nail her yourself. Press hard and go for broke, even at the ris of destroying the friendship. The only outcomes can be you getting to nail her (like you would obviously like to) or not have her as a friend.

Either way it's win-win...coitus and/or getting rid of the annoying shoulder crying.

 

wow, wasn't expecting this kind of answer... I consider her like a sister and not as a person that I would "nail". She is a really good person and has helped me through hard times, and the shoulder crying isn't a bother to me. But seeing her get hurt like this gets me upset and I am trying to point her in the right direction, not try to date her. I want her to be happy, just as an older brother would want for his sister. BTW, where in india/asia are you from? I'm from New delhi....

 

Oh...that says Mumbai...but I am not desi...


OK, so if you really have no romantic interest in her, there isn't really much you can do. She pretty much has to decide on herself to stop dating scumbags. As long as she isn't being abused or having stuff stolen from her or anything, you just kinda got let it run it's course and "be there for her" as they say. Once you tell her your opinions, you just have to wait.

 

totally agree with the man. he's right.

trust me on this, i heard this story so many times so many different twists. just be there & let her realize it herself. It's going to hurt you, no brainer, but in the end she miraculously discovers the truth...hopefully there is an end.


stick in there.

 

She's not in love with him. She's in love with an image, an illusion. She's immature and needs to "see the light" in her own way... and hopefully NOT by getting pregnant/STDs/paralyzed in an accident.

She doesn't know that she doesn't deserve the pain and suffering... And because of that, to an extent, she's asking for it.

She doesn't think she can or will do better.

The best thing for her is probably going to be professional help, or a serious intervention from an older/wiser family member that she trusts and respects (not you). This person needs to get to the core of her self-esteem issues and work on that. Without any self-esteem, without knowing that she has value, she'll continue to wallow in self-pity and formulate delusional opinions about herself.

 

Guilty by association?

 

pics?

 

Sadly, this seems like a typical case of a girl with low self esteem being treated like shit. And if she can't see within herself that she deserves better...then well she doesn't deserve better.

I find it hard to believe you have ZERO romantic interest in her, but if so, like someone else said enlist a family member to have a talk with her. I'm guessing she has no brothers that she's close with, if at all? Because brothers don't let this kind of shit happen to their sisters.

 

uh.. No.

 

I am not the type of guy that would ever take advantage in a situation like this, nor do I have any romantic interest (never even considered it) as we are very close to each other like brother/sister. I will surely have her mom or someone talk with her as its starting to become a bit crazy, today she talked with him and she said it seemed that they cleared up a bunch of issues, which will probably come back in the future again in my opinion. In all honesty, I tried pretty hard to talk with her and to get it all straightened out and get her life in motion again and to be free of this asshole, but sometimes the message doesn't get through. A bunch of her good friends have also told her to dump him but she is unwilling. sooner or later its going to happen when he does something stupid and really hurts her. I guess the only way for her to learn now is to fall on her ass and learn from it. also no brothers or sister, just people who fill it in kinda like me and some of her good girl-friends. But besides that, its only her horse and her mom and dad.

 

UPDATE: well today I heard from her that she caught him cheating on her, he started to kiss another woman and then tried to have sex with her. When she confronted him, he replied I stopped after the kissing because I remembered you and knew it was wrong, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you. She was crying a bit today and then calmed down later, I told her to break up with his sorry ass, he said he knew it was wrong, then why did he even try to have sex with her, also how do you know he stopped the sex, the other woman could have said no and it could have ended there. She is blinded by love and I feel like killing this guy for the pain he has caused her. After this incident i feel so enraged, I don't know what to do or say, all i could say was BREAK UP WITH HIS SORRY CHEATING ASS! I'm still fuming a bit. Any ideas on how to fix this?

 

what you have do to, as has been said already, is sit back and let her learn....as the cubans say "a golpe, la vida se aprender".....

and if you want to try and break em up for whatever reason, then you can't just come out and say this guys a piece of shit, seeing as this hasn't worked before its not gonna work now, you have to use psychology on her, and make her see what a piece of shit he is without saying his a piece of shit, you have to make her see this situaton from the outside, because from where she is standing, physically and mentally she won't see it....

 

Alright, so i should use some psychology...How can i show her the view from outside without her seeing it is her and just not listening and being in her fairy tale land?

 

she's a stage 5 clinger. Tell her if she doesnt intend to marry him, she's just wasting her time. There are so many guys out there who are better for her, like yourself for example (this is what you're driving for right?)

 

How old is this chick? That guy is a class A douche.

At some point you really have to cut off that dead weight. I think she is messed up for staying with the guy. Is she someone that has ABSOLUTELY no self-confidence? I mean, why else would she keep putting herself in this situation.

As for what you should do....I think telling her she can do better and that he's taking advantage of her. And that it seems like he really does not care about her at all if he keeps doing that.

 

After reading your update, I stand by my previous post:

 

From what I have read so far, all the recommendations are on the mark. If you haven't noticed by now, women are emotionally charged, so yelling or raising your voice isn't going to get your point across. If your concerns are geniune, and they seem to be, sit her down, address her concerns calmly. Let her speak without any interruptions from you. When she has completed her thoughts provide your insight on the situation. Do not use phrases such as: If I was your boyfriend, or If you and I were together.

The phrases will only cause confusion, and she will continue to do what she is doing now. Be steadfast, and honest while compassionate. She needs to know that you are in her corner, but if this continues any longer you will have to let her learn from hard experience and let the relationship she is in run it's course.

 

i know a couple girls who are in similar situations. tried endlessly to persuade them to leave their guy but to no avail. if you've already told her how you feel/gave her advice and she still doesnt take it just let her be otherwise it will only bring you stress

 

you could try to have a female friend ask her what she would do because her boyfriend has done, something that asshole has done, but too specific or she'll notice....and then ask her what she should do, if she was in this situation, other then that you could try to use yourself and a similar situation, you could show her this thread, although she might get mad that you put your personal life on the interweb....

also Paclark01 advice is pretty good and you may want to try that as well.....

 

Don't waste your time on this. A few of my female friends and I, tried for 2 years to get a girl to dump her shitty boyfriend. 10 years later she is still in the same situation with shitty boyfriend.

 

I told her that if you don't intend to marry him, its a meaningless relationship. She didn't say anything after that. I have pointed her in the direction of guys who are really nice and are really cool for her, but she doesn't want to leave this idiot. Also no, thats really not my direction, I care for her, but not really in that way. Edit: I forgot to add that her boyfriend lost his license for a bunch of unpaid tickets and violations (according to her). I saw him driving around today in his car... I wonder if i can call in and get his ass arrested

 

sure but then she'll by his side in his time of need.....so it may just make the situation worse

 

I would agree that, in the attraction arena, this girl has some self-esteem issues, and is unwilling to give up a rotten bird in the hand because she fears she won't land anything better. In truth, she would be far better off with this deadbeat taking a powder, and living a single life that is clear and open for potential.

About all you can do is be her friend, listen to her, and use any wedge in her conversation to introduce some objective reality.

 

Yeah, definite self-esteem problems. Any family problems growing up, or any abuse?




And why can't anybody believe that he doesn't want to date her? I have plenty of girls that I'm friends with that I've never considered dating, especially the ones I've known since I was little

 

fixed...

 

guys trust me, she can land a bunch of guys if she wanted to, I doubt it's that, I have raised the self esteem issue a bit and she keeps on saying its the emotional attachment. Also no abuse, if anything she has been given everything she wanted, for example she has 3 or 4 horses that are worth over 10k each, nice car and a bunch of cool other stuff.

 

Have you tried the "thrid party conversation" method? You have to bring up her situation as a third party, (a cousin, a friend of a friend etc.) and replay her situations with slight variations. "My co-workers GF has been cheating on him, he caught her cheating on him with another chick but says they only got to first base before she felt it was wrong to continue, she's a car chick who blows all her $$ on car so she can street race and brags about the near accidents she gets into. She doesnt even seem to care for your friend cause she once saw him at an accident scene and didnt even stop and used a lame excuse like she couldnt afford to go over her minutes" etc etc etc

The point is to let her see the situation in another light and with you pointing out whats so bad, maybe she can make the connection and realize she is in the same boat. Maybe even ask her on waht advice you should give to your "friend." This is where you will see her side, when she offers backing to the bad party, you will get her own feelings as to why she does what she does. If she's quick to say "tell him to leave her," just keep letting it build up. Every bad situation talk that she advises to "leave," throw it bak in her face one day- "this friend i ahve been talking about is actually, YOU." And if you dont take your own advice . . . blah blah blah

When she brings up her issues, just take it in and use it for next time. Dont try to give her any advice because you know she wount take it. This will be a long process, not something over a week, you have to basically keep planting and planting.

Hope that helps

 

Thank you droo1er

 

I don't believe you mentioned this before. Is he paying for all this stuff? If so then that's why she won't leave him.


If not, this reminds me of a woman I work with. Smoking hot, makes a ton of money, but yet is still attracted to assholes and is unattracted to nice guys. So while all her friends are getting married and having babies she's still dating around trying to find the one, jumping from asshole to asshole. Some women are just programmed like this.

 

No, he can barely afford gas, Mom and dad pay for all of her stuff, though to a limit, like watches, purses, etc.

 

Does he have a large phallus?

 

I don't know.... All I know that shes a virgin...

 

 

do they buy her all that stuff because they dont give her enough of their time?

 

Assumign that is actually true, then I am at a loss.

One good "excuse" for a broad to stay with a d-bag she "shouldn't put up with" is if he is laying good pipe on her...especially if it's the only pipe that's been laid on her.

Well, the only consensual pipe that is...seeing as how many broads who put up with garbage from their husbands.bf's were sexually abused when young. Maybe Dad buys her horses to rebuy her love after "helping her bathe when she was a bit too old to feel comfortable with it"?

That would make sense if you as the "platonic friend who doesn't try to fuck her" are the one she confides in and all.

Under either scenario...an actual virgin reluctant to have sex or someone who has been abused, it might do her some good if you tossed some sex her way. She trusts you and you won't do her harm so you can help her overcome her reluctance and/or past abuse.

 

I don't buy that she's a virgin - she's wayyyyy too attached.

 

Yeah, the obvious assumption is that this is the first dick she's had....other than Dad/Uncle/Neighbor.