RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

It seems like he using guilt to avoid discussing the issue.

Mike 350Z

Never settle for sub-par relationship...

Babyfer

nope his childhood was great, so great that we bought property and build our house right behind his parents .. i'm very close to them too. and no meds, well protonics for acid-reflux, but i don't think that's a side affect..
and thanks i need the prayers.


and RaviNJCLs your funny, smack him ya right, although it would funny to get a reaction..

Infamous425 - i honestly don't think he could get the time, we worked for the same company for 3 years, he was in the field, but everyone knew that he was there. he jsut got laid off, but he's been home building a deck.
when we were 1st married, before a year was up, he did cheat, and he's not doing anything like he was then.

it's just been since the baby, well since i got prego that our sex life went to hell. and he was the one who wanted a baby, i did to, but he wants another one already, i told him we have to have sex to do that *laughin* and i don't wanna try again, cause it only took 3 months to get prego last time, then the whole pregnancy i got NO SEX.

it just makes me wonder, ya know.. am i completely crappy in bed or what??? he says i'm not, but i told him that's how i feel... he never tells me to do anything different soooo.. if i am, it's on him for not showin me differently! lol

fdl

Could be getting laid off has messed him up. Did he see you give birth? Cuz that could do it too.

dom

All kinds of bad signs here.

He feels like he's let you and the family down?

He won't sneak around the same way twice.

I think most men in this thread are at a loss to explain whats going on because most of us simply can't relate. It would be great to get a few more women's perspective's in here, it really would.

fast-tl

I'm sorry but signs point to an affair. I had three years firsthand experience with it. Again you said you got NO sex for nine months during your last pregnancy. What was HE doing? Is it really practical that he:
a: had no desires at all during that nine months
b. had desires but didn't compain
c. was so focused on "something else" that sex just slipped his mind

I'm not obsessing on it (at least not trying to) but you need to look harder for the signs. What's going on at home while you're working? He doesn't work on that deck 40 hours a week. Are you checking his odometer? Cell phone details? ATM withdrawals (to hide specific expenses?) The odometer got me! Work was less than 15 miles each way. I sure was traveling QUITE a few extra miles just for lunch....hmm....
They say once a cheater, always a cheater....who knows...the second time he'll be wiser, and easier to fall into an affair, unlike the awkward first time he cheated. Don't be blind to the possible signs dear.

Babyfer

the problems were way before the laid off thing, this was just before vacation.. the sex stopped way before that.. besides.. i pay all the bills, even his Honda pilot pymt.. it's not that either.

Babyfer

i don't check his phone, i don't ever see the bill.... i know i know.. that's how i cought him that time, but he was also gone A LOT.

and i don't knwo how he ddn't want sex.. cause i sure did during the pregnancy!!!

i don't check his odometer, he'd think that it was wierd if i went out at night to his pilot.

also we have video survalence set up so i can see when he comes and goes, and its all recorded to a hard drive and time stamped.. so he'd have to turn it off and on if he did leave. and there is always a lot done to the deck so i think that he's really doin it.

maybe i really need to open my eyes a lil more....

DiveforTL-s

As I have said before, Babyfer, we are both in the same boat. I guess I just have the copout that she is a woman, therefore is allowed to not want sex. At the same time, I still have not discussed this with her. I have been trying other ways of presuation but with limited sucess (still a little leave-me-alone-and-go-to-asleep-BJs but nothing else). I have been trying to hint that I am open to it anytime, anyplace (no matter if its illigeal, will make me late to work, takes my sleep, or if I'm asleep and she wants some) but to no avail.
I just have to wonder if she really has no sex drive, has it but ignores it, or is taking of it somewhere else. It isn't like I am not like I just try to get some, I always start on her first. Always. She always gets my attention before I want hers. I know that I am a guy and expected to just take what I get but it has been since early July. That is it. I guess I am lost.

Mike 350Z

Babyfer, did you gain a lot of weight during pregnancy that you haven't lost yet? Have you changed anything else that might make him less attracted to you?

Also, have you searched the computers/closets/under the beds/behind the TV stands for a porn stash? Maybe he's so used to taking care of it himself that he doesn't feel a need to do it with a real person Do you leave him home alone a lot?

But the fact that he did cheat before and got caught makes me think he's just covering his tracks better the second time around.

Mockenrue

Another idea might be to turn out the lights. Some guys don't do as well with reality in the cold light of day, but a dark room gives them the chance to "idealize" a little bit. That is, they don't fixate on the faults. Just a little light (ie dusk) can be really good too.

fdl

*bump*

dom

He's unemployed. He may be home jacking it all day to online porn.

dom

Does that really happen to men? I saw my wife give birth and it didn't bother me one bit. Can't understand why it would.

fdl

Def does happen to some men. When some guys see their wife stretched open like that, have their opening cut open further to make room for the baby, its not an easy image to get out of their head. This is why I will be staying right by my wifes side, just to be safe. I dont need to see that

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Yes. In fact every single person we spoke to at the hospital asked me and my wife if I was going to be in the room and warned that it is a very common thing for men to become turned off by. Most get over it shortly after.

Personally, my wife had a C-section, so it didn't really matter. But I would like to think it would have not bothered me.

fdl

Being in the room is fine, its just where in the room you are thats important

Erz

[QUOTE=Mike97 3.0P]Babyfer, did you gain a lot of weight during pregnancy that you haven't lost yet? QUOTE]




Should make no difference unless he's a shallow pig

I haven't seen you mention anything about weight (so this could be totally irrelevant!!) but if that is an issue then he's a rat bastard. And even if you have extra weight on you from a baby or whatever, then that's his issue to get over, not yours. He can be affectionate to the woman he loves or let some extra pounds mess him up in the head. But like I said, I haven't seen you mention anything about this.....

doopstr

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

That's very common. More and more I'm thinking that he went a long time without sex. At first because he may have been concerned about having sex while you were pregnant. I don't know him, but I hope it wasn't because he stopped veiwing you as attractive while you were pregnant.

Then after the baby came, there was another 4-8 week period that you were probably told by your doctor to NOT have sex. So, by now he's gone about 9 to 10 months.

And then the time since then to now. I would say that he went about 12+ months without sex. Personally, I would have been rearing to go. But maybe he got so used to "taking care of himself," that he's not into it.

Maybe it's a combination of that and the way he views you now. He probably see you as the mom, not the wife.

Personally....I think it would be better for you if he was cheating. I think in the long run you will be able to get over that a lot quicker than being viewed by your spouce as un-attractive. Unfortunately, unless he says something, or you just take the kid and walk, you may never know. But I feel for you, and the only advise I can give you, is to stop thinking about him, and think about what you need. If he is unable/unwilling to give it to you....walk. Sometimes it's not worth it.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

No chance in hell I was not going to be there. Aside from being there for my wife, I was the first person to hold my son after the nurse. One of the best experiences of my life.

fdl

I think the weight gain is a fair question. Some women gain ALOT of weight during pregnancy. How much weight was gained in this case? I also dont think its that uncommon for guys to not want to have sex with their wife who is visibly pregnant. And as I said before, I dont think its uncommon for guys to be freaked out about seeing a baby squeezed out of the same hole that they once thought of as sexual. This can take time to get over.

I'm not saying its not his problem and his issue to get over, but it could very well all be related to the pregnancy. If you know the problem, you can address it, talk about it, and fix it.

Its also likely that there is more to the other side of the story that we are not getting.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

^^^

It's a fair one. My wife gained weight, just like most women. People say that since I am technically still a "newly-wed," I have an abnormal view about it. I just saw it as normal, and it never got to me at all.

zamo

I am latin american (Peruvian). I guess that plays a roll.

Mockenrue

I think we've already established that he's a rat bastard for teasing her that way. That said, it is a reality that guys can be sensitive to weight gain. The only time it bothers me is when he is a slob himself. I don't like extremes (like eating disorders), but I think too many people just give up and let themselves go.

Again though... that's no excuse for the emotional abuse he's dishing out.

fast-tl

This is no joke. It can help during those "dry" spells, but not completely take the friggin' place of, well, friggin'.

Babyfer

ok the answers to your questions:

i AM 5'9" blonde hair to my A$$, & 129lbs oh and tan too

before I got prego i was 135 and blowflexed out (great tight abs)

6 weeks after i had the baby i weighed 139, and continued to fluxuate and loose weight, now.. 6½ monts after the baby, i'm 129, no streach marks, except for some on my boobs (but not bad at all) i've on;y used the bow-flex like 5 times since the baby, but i really don't need it, tight arms, leggs, no more loose skin..
i want to get to 120-125 but he says that i'm fine the way i am...dunno

Yes he did watch the delivery, we talked about it before the baby, and hear that it can be wierd for the guy, and decided that he could hold my hand and stay by my head.. but he wanted to see, so he kept his hand under my head & leaned to look & see. and as far as havin the baby, we left 4 the hospital at 12:45am, i had the baby at 1:41 am, it was so fast that i didn't even get an epidural, but i'm not a baby, i have a high tolerance for pain, so i didn't make a sound the whole time.. lol i was asking them if i could push more..lol

i'd post a pic of me, but i can't post attachments..????

an ya i think that i could deal w/ him cheatin on me better than the turn on & then rejected thing...
he could be lookin at porn on the internet..dunno

did i leave anything out??

fdl

OK, well maybe is was the viewing the birth thing. Cant say for sure, but some guys really have a hard time with that. You can upload your picture to www.imageshack.us , and post the link.

Babyfer

thanks
well it's a crappy one of me, but i was taking pics, so there are very few of me, just what my dad took.. but at least you can see.

Mockenrue

From the way she described it, he was at her side looking down. I did that twice, and all you really see is the baby. It might be different if you were looking at the whole thing from the doc's point of view.

The Internet porn thing might be partly to blame. Might be an interesting test to see if he'd still be teasing if he had to go without any kind of "finish" for seven days.

neuronbob

babyfer, we don't need to see your pic. We get the idea, you're hot (in more ways than one ).

My wife, five months after the pregnancy, is big as a house still (fricken meds! ) and not as hot as she was prior to the pregnancy, and yet we still get it on. I mean, c'mon.

For fdl: my wife had a c-section and I was behind the drape looking at her belly. I think I could've handled watching my bundle of joy come out of the correct place. Unfortunately, he was so excited to come out to meet his daddy that he stuck his arm out in front of his head and got stuck. This kid will NEVER live that down, as long as I'm alive.

Crazy88

As someone else said, maybe its psychological. Something could have happened in his childhood or at some point during his life.

As far as the porno thing goes. Have you checked the history of his computer? If he is looking at porn instead of tending to your needs, maybe you can install a family pornography filter, so he can't look at pornography. Also, I think its been studied, that pornography can be addicting. If I had a wife, I would take advantage of that instead of using the internet. Another suggestion is that maybe you should do what he's doing and pleasure yourself and intentionally get caught by him. Maybe he will think to himself, she shouldent have to do that, I should be doing that, and maybe he will. (this could spark jealousy on his part, and he might want to finish the job). But at the same time, I dont think you should have to go that far to get his attention, there must be an underlying problem. And for the record, I dont think he is respecting you by teasing you. Thats emotionally cruel.

fdl

Its not about general "grossness", its about seeing an opening that you usually associated with sex, now stretched open, and cut open, to pass a watermelon. Some guys develop issues because of this.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

My wife had a C-section as well. She had some last minute complications. I was too caught up worrying about her and the baby to really think how I would feel about a natural birth vs C-section. When it was over and we were in the recovery room, we both said that we think it was better. I really don't know how I would have handled it. I would like to think I would be really grossed out, but fine with it after. I think that's natural.

As for never letting your kid live that down....my wife already says that she was in labor for 16 hours when she wants me to get her something from the kitchen. My kid is screwed.

Point is I think being a little messed up about seeing the birth and the changes in your wife when she's pregnant is pretty common. Not wanting to talk about your issues and trying to deal with it is not normal.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

I think she said that she doesn't want to do that. Part of me agree that there is a level of trust that is broken if she goes hunting through his computer/phone/car etc. But after a while, I think I would just need to know.

Babyfer

ya, i really don't wanna do that.. i don't feel like i should "check up" on my hubby...
i'll just keep my eyes open.. i still don't think that he'd do it again though.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Make sence. That would be the mature thing to do.

I still think you need to knock some sence into him. If you were all bow flexed, maybe just a tennis racket or something. Nothing like a bat....you just want him to know that you're capable.

cibs

Agreed, there must be something other issue that's going on here, and he needs to get over it and realize what a good thing he has...

Scottman111

Has to be something in his head. Like juniorbean said a few pages back, men should naturally want it any time any place (with exceptions of course).

And maybe he's not happy about something...or unhappy about something in the relationship??

I'm just throwing ideas, but a lot of times I will be thinking about whatever I'm mad about so much that sex will be the last thing on my mind. Maybe this is an extreme case



[QUOTE=Crayy88And for the record, I dont think he is respecting you by teasing you. Thats emotionally cruel.[/QUOTE]

It was actually sad for me to read through this thread. Nobody (man or woman) deserves to be put through something like this.

And this is in no way your fault, Babyfer. Don't let him or anybody else tell you that. Good luck.

Babyfer

thanks so much