Been a while since I've posted but nice to be back (got myself a new TL!).

A buddy of mine is in a pretty serious relationship and has asked for advice (i guess since I'm the only happily married dude in my group of friends they all ask me shit). Several years ago, he had a short lived fling with some chick. Two years later she nails the guy for paternity and wins (this was an out of nowhere thing). This woman had since married and she and her new hubby decide that they want to legally adopt the kid. He signs off all parental rights, pays a few grand and everyone moves on with their lives. No support, no contact, no legal ties, no nothing. As clean a break as you can get given the circumstances. He's a good dude, just made a mistake.

Fast forward 7 or 8 years. He's now seeing this chick who he thinks is THE ONE. Again, there has been no contact as per the court order, and because it involves a minor, the court records are sealed. He was wondering whether or not to tell his g/f about it.

I suggested that he leave it alone. It was a long time ago and not part of their lives, he's legally disconnected from the whole thing, it's not going to come up again and why throw more potential problems into things.

Opinions? (and please lets try to keep them on the subject at hand, not what led up to it).

 

honesty is the key in my opinion....but hay, i don't have a gf....

 

Let the gf know now. There is no guarantee that it won't come out later.

If she's really "the one" it won't make a difference-if it does cause problems it's better to find out now.

 

 

Might as well tell her now. If she leaves, she wasn't the one.

 

Yeah I would just tell her now. It may seem easy to not tell her, but if they do end up getting really serious and this magically comes up it could cause problems.

 

if it is "not that big a deal" then it should not be that much of a challenge to let her know. Better to let her know and have it be a part of his past...by keeping it a secret, he keeps some element of his past as part of his everyday life...

And, if this guy and his new GF get serious and decide to have kids, he may well have some complex feelings about it. Far better to have his past on the table....

 

He should tell her. My female cousin married a guy who was in a similar situation. I don't think he signed away all legal rights to his older daughter, but he might as well have. He was upfront with her and she was upfront with the rest of us in the family, and although there was some apprehension on both fronts when the news first broke, everyone's realized that he's an A+ guy, husband and father (they just had their first kid together a couple months ago).

So if he truly is a good dude, it shouldn't matter.

 

I agree. While I wouldn't tell a casual girlfriend, when things get serious, it's time to let her know. You can't have a relationship unless you are honest with one another.

 

Thanks everyone. Looks like the consensus is to tell her. I will pass this along

 

Definitely should tell her, because if she is the one and they are together, then it may come out later when the kid is grown and finds out about the "real father" thing, he/she may come looking to find out about him. And trust wise, how would that look to her, if he cant trust her with that? Just my as a female, I would want to know.