Let me set the background for you guys. I moved to Arizona about two years ago when I graduated college. I didn’t know a sole out here, just sorta upped and moved. In about 3 months time, I met a girl through mutual friends and we started dating. Things started slow, saw each other 1-2x/week, went out to dinner, and did all the couples things. Flash forward to today where we see each other almost everyday and she sleeps at my place a few times a week. I love this girl to death; enjoy spending time with her and like the companionship. She’s a very great, loyal girl, but I don’t know if she is “the one”. I’ve always said to myself that I would never consider marriage until I was closer til 30 (I’m currently 23, she is 25). It’s not like she’s asking to get married, but I’d feel bad if we continued to date for another 2-3 yrs and I’m still not ready/don’t see myself marrying her.

So last night I put all of my feelings out on the table and decided to end things. I’d still like to be friends, but fear it’s going to be too awkward. Of course she was stunned and continued to say she loved me and didn’t want to end things just like that. In my gut, I just feel it’s the right thing to do for the long term, but horrible for the short term. Now I have this empty void knowing that she won’t be there for me if I come home, or want to go out to dinner, or go see a movie. *Sigh* What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing?

Cliffs:
Moved to Arizona and met a girl
Dated said girl for almost 2 years
Enjoy spending a lot of time together
Broke it off because I don’t know if she is “the one”
Not sure if I made the right decision

 

Do you have grass is greener syndrome?

Theres no law saying you have to marry someone if you are two years into it and things are going great. I dont see what the big deal is. Why not stay with her?

 

Any post in D&R that starts with "Just broke it off..." makes me

But seriously, I'm not sure why you would break things off on the chance that you might not want to get married later. My guess is like Saki said and you are hoping for something better while you are away.

My advice is, if you like her, stay with her, if you don't, don't. It's that simple.

 

 

live for the moment, if you are happy now stay. if the only reservation you have is because of the future... that is no reason to end something that was working.

if you want to meet other girls, and cant see yourself with her without being with other women first, then end it.

however, seems like you should stay with her as long as you want to be with her presently.

 

I started to see signs that the relationship was going down the friends route rather than having potential to take it to the next level. I figured 2 years was enough time to make a decision and go from there. It's a bad situation given how much time we spend together and how that probably won't happen since we ended things.

 

So, let's see if I get this straight.....

You like this girl. She likes you. You have no relationship problems. You both don't want to get married right now. You love being with her. You have a feeling that maybe she is not "the one."

I guess that's a good reason to end the relationship. What exactly makes her not "the one?"

My advise....go back to her. Tell her your mom dropped you on you head as a kid and you may be retarded.

 

Without having read the thread (will do in a minute) -- a straight forward answer to your question: Only YOU will know if it is the right decision for YOU. So regardless of what we think and the dozens of opinions you'll receive, you're the only one who can truly answer that....

 

Maybe you needed to spice things up a bit. I'm 100% in love with my wife. And we have a really good friendship as well. I think the key is finding someone that you can have passion as well as friendship with.

I guess if you truely believe that you have headed down the road of being friends, then the decision was right. I think maybe you have just gotten comfortable and have confused comfort in a relationship for "just friendship."

 

I think what you did was pretty mature.

 

There are other girls out there and by not stringing this girl along he's making a grown up decision.

Just because there isn't an ideal girl for him doesn't mean he should stick with this girl until she comes along. Conveniently dumping someone you're with because a "bigger better deal" jumps on your lap is not very cool.

Obviously he doesn't feel 100% about this girl and wants to consider other girls. By ending it with her he's making that option available to him.

 

I posted that before I read his next post. Cut me some slack dude. I agree if he really is not into this chick that breaking up with her was a mature and correct decision. I think he does need to decide if this is the case or if he is jumping out of a good relationship purely because he has become comfortable in it.

 

Read your initial post....

I would say, listen to your gut (as you wrote). Two years is long enough to really get to know someone and to realize what you are looking for, and if your gut is telling you she is not "the one" (if that's your ultimate goal), then she's likely not.

And don't be fooled, unless things end really badly, everyone misses the companionship after ending a relationship. But that doesn't mean you won't find it in someone else down the road. The initial changes will be hard to get through and you'll make some emotional and social adjustments (not depending on having her there for you), but then things'll get easier.

 

well you my friend fucked up. She didnt say she wanted marriage, you dont want marriage, why fuck up a good thing then. If she really isnt the one then she will start to annoy you and piss you off and then dump her when you dont have all these strong feelings for her anymore. Mistake if you ask me but thats your decision

 

Having been down the road of staying with someone for 13 years mostly because there was no really strong reason to leave rather than because there was a strong reason to stay - I say good for you. It takes courage leave a comfortable, secure situation - which it sounds like yours was.

If you're not feeling it, and there's no passion, move on. It took me a lot of years and a huge, life-changing shake-up to realize that. I can't say I regret the time spent in my relationship, but if I'd been wiser and more courageous at your age I'd have probably ended it years ago.

 

I don't think every break-up has to end on a bad note....In other words, lots of people wait until things are 100% awful before breaking up, but that's not the way it has to be. In fact, that probably means you two waited too long to deal with things out in the open, or end things.

I think it takes a lot of personal insight and strength to break-up just based on your own feelings, and not only because/considering the relationship is going well at the time. A lot of people ignore their feelings and continue dating just because, "well...things are going well...so..." but deep down inside, they knew all along it wouldn't work out. That's using the relationship as a crutch for comfort and companionship, and maybe not listening to what you really want for yourself in the long-run.

I think it's much harder to leave someone you love when things are going well, but if he doesn't feel it's going to work out in the long-run, why not move on now? (Not that anyone has a crystal ball)...

 

Great photographers think alike.

 

I think that sums me up right there. I can totally see being in this relationship 5 years deep and not feeling any different. We never fought or argued and didn't have big differences in our values so it's really hard to have a reason to break up. I agree though- It's very tough to end a comfortable, secure relationship.

The one thing I don't know how to approach is being friends. I just want to make her happy, but I feel if we hang out...say, see a movie, go to dinner, she might mistake that as a glimmer of hope and not get over me. In the end, I just don't want to hurt her.

 

i just scrolled over the "marriage" link highlighted in the OPS post, and it stated "find a fuck buddy. find a girl. email her. fuck her. tonight!"

 

Don't worry so much about the friend part right now. That will come with time, if that is something you want to bring up down the road. No one wants to hear, or jump from, "We've been together for two years, I love you, but I can't be with you anymore. Sooooo...wanna be friends and see a movie next week?" And quite honestly, friendship occurs naturally...no one really says, "Hey, do you want to be friends?". If it's comfortable and a mutual desire to remain in contact, that will probably just happen on its own without either of you needing to push for it...the same way you two began a relationship in the first place.

 

Being friends right after wont work. ESPECIALLY when either you or her find another person that your physically engaged with.

 

sistah!

 

You describe my relationship exactly. We never fought, felt the same about religion and politics, laughed together easily - everyone called us the perfect couple. Only the 2 of you really know what's in there, though. We were excellent friends and roommates. That's hardly fulfilling, though.

And yes, it IS hard. I broke a good man's heart, threw out financial security, risked losing my home, started over completely with no confidence that I would find someone new. I made the decision because it was the honest thing to do. For both of us. It wasn't fair to either of us to pretend it was something it wasn't. Keep that in mind - you're doing the fair, right, and honest thing. People are pointing out that she wasn't asking for marriage - I think that's moot - you're letting her go now so she can begin her search for something that will be what she wants. Again. Kudos.

As to friendship, I agree with SS (shocking, I know )- it's kind and mature of you to offer friendship, but sometimes a clean break is better. I'm struggling with that myself. I've lost my best friend - the person I would talk to about what's going on. I can't, of course, because he is what's going on. Sucks big time. We had lunch a few times, and have had to see each other on occasion to work on sorting out belongings and paperwork - it has remained friendly and caring, but true friendship is beyond the scope of what either of us could attain at this point. Not to mention, being in each other's company keeps the pain too fresh. Give her some space (whether she thinks she wants it or not). Good luck!

 

If you deeply feel she is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then it's best to let her go even if it hurts. Being honest to her and to yourself is only right... and definitely better than stringing her along.

I was in a similar situation about 5 years ago but I had to do it. Two years later, we talked about what happened and my ex affirmed that what I did was only fair for both of us. I think we are now glad that our relationship ended before we get more attached and things become more complicated.

 

Do you still remain friends with your ex? If so, how did you go about doing it?

 

After we broke up, we probably called each other during holidays. And when I started dating someone else seriously later, then we stopped communicating. The last time I heard from him was about 3 years ago when he sent me a Christmas gift, which I took as some sort of a parting gift... And no, we never met in person again.

 

I did the same thing with my last gf.
I loved her to death, but I couldn't see myself marrying her because of differences in certain areas that are extremely important to me. We still hang, but it isn't awkward, but it just depends on how things are laid out.

I think you did the right thing.

 

That's about normal.

I only have one ex that I would talk to from time to time. And I think we only talk, maybe once or twice a year. And really, the only reason we talk is because we didn't really part on bad terms and she and I were friends before we dated.

Every other girl I dated, I cut off contact with them within months of breaking up. One tried pretty hard to get back in touch with me. And I basically had to tell her to leave me the F alone before she got the hint.

 

I've been with my girl (off and on) for over 4 yrs. We don't really talk about marriage yet. We're just not at that point in our lives yet, and neither are you. Nothing wrong with being with someone without having a set timeframe for marriage.

 

I guess it depends a lot on what it is your feeling, but almost all relationships have times when your kind of not feeling it at that minute. There is something about a new relationship which makes you all crazy, but then that goes away, and for the most part, never comes back, but is replaced with something else.

Long term relationships may not have that I cant wait to see you after 15 minutes feeling anymore, but that dosn't mean they are broken, its just normal. You don't trade in your car every time the new car smell goes away do you?

I think breaking up because you are SURE you don't want to be with them long term is the right thing. I think breaking up with someone because your NOT sure if you want to be with them is a mistake. Wait till your sure one way or the other, or you could be missing out.

 

That's what the 15 month lease is for

 

If you're thinking about dating other girls then you did the right, honest thing. It's difficult when you're in a comfortable relationship, you have companionship, regular sex, someone to share holidays with, etc. But, being comfortable isn't enough, at least for me. I give you props for not stringing her along until you find someone else, which a lot of guys would do for fear of being alone. You're still young so you might as well date as many girls as you can until you find one that rocks your world rather than one you're simply "comfortable" with. 2 years is certainly adequate time to get to know and determine your compatibility with someone.

 

as mature a decision this may seem (and it is, if you ask me), its really not without its negatives. dont get me wrong, its great that you know what you want and know what you dont. staying with someone when you dont feel its "right" is a lot worse imho.

but you just tired fixing what aint broke, and i think you just shot yourself in the foot. sure it may have bored you at one point, but the guy in me is telling you that you had something good/decent going on and now you pretty much f'ed it up just like that.

 

 

UPDATE: I got back together with the GF about 2 weeks after we broke up. Wanted to give myself some more time to figure out if she's the one. Flash forward to today, 7 months later. Basically, my feelings haven't changed for her. My gut tells me she's not "the one" even though she's a hell of a person. I just broke things off a few minutes ago. Probably the toughest thing I've had to do in a long time given she's still really into me and wants to "work things out". I tried to make her understand there's nothing to work out, and I'm only looking out for her best interest by not trying not to lead her on. Ugh....Hopefully I did the right thing this time.

 

If you love her so much and care for her and all the other nice things you said, why is she not the one? Maybe you will be kicking yourself in the ass in 2 weeks like the first time and ask to have her back. But it's all about how you feel so good luck with what ever happens.

 

I dunno man, sounds to me like you are going to figure out she was the one after someone else sticks his dong in her.

 

 

up

 

Ugh, there is no such thing as "the one" - that delusion is responsible for a lot of stupid decisions.