It's not her second marriage...she had the child at 16. I've been with her since then. We were both in high school when we met.

 

Clearly it was a nonchalant event for your mother, and I'm sorry for the impact it must have had on you growing up. That said, Pickles started by noting that the grass seemed greener, and he was wondering why..... and the answer as to why, worked out with a counselor/therapist, suggests some fundamental flaws in his current relationship. He now wants out. He's trying to do so in a sensible way.

THe "blurb about perv priests" being nonsense unfortunately touches me where I live; I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and incest, and I spend way, way to much time seeing the impact of "ridiculous" pervy priests in support groups I attend, and the hypocracy that was noted in that post was referring to the "family or die" position of the Catholic church whilst some of their representatives are engaged in malignant behavior.

And, this young woman, as Pickles actually noted early in his postings, was not married before. She and he were highschool sweethearts, somewhere she connected with a pregnancy, and he became a husband and stepdad. Ranting and raving with splashy language on AZ is quite common, but it DOES help your arguements if your facts are in order. Minor point, but one I note.

 

The more I read of Ric, the more I think he doesn't know who I am


Oh, and thanks Ric for the support. As always, a sound and reasoned approach to things

 

For arguments sakes let's remove the religious and social aspects from this discussion and focus on Mr. and Mrs. Pickles or any marriage for that matter. As a precursor I'm married for 17 years and counting....

My wife and I couldn't be anymore different if we'd tried...she's of Asian descent however born and raised in Boston Metro with a very comfortable upbringing; I'm of Hispanic descent and my father left my mom, younger bro and me when I was 4 years old. We grew up in the Jersey City ghetto but mom ruled with an iron hand so we never got into any trouble for fear of what mom would do.

The foundation is now set:

Marriage is about compromise, two people agreeing to let the small stuff slide and working TOGETHER to resolve the major issues in their lives (house purchase, kids, aging parents, illness, joblessness, basically anything that you couldn't live without.) There will be bumps in the road, I've already posted about my personal marriage counseling sessions, but you have to work through them and sometimes you have to suck it up and go against your true feelings or instinct or whatever. The idea being that if it benefits your marriage, it benefits you.

Life is a hard, long journey. My grandmother used to say enjoy the good times in life because there will be more tough times than good. Imagine having to go through this journey without someone to at the very least share the good times with and talk out the bad times? Nevermind the "intangibles", be a good mom to your kids, or become your best friend, or keep you your ass when you get down on yourself.

At the end of the day, through thick and thin your SO and family are the only ones that will be there for you. Personally, I think it's worth it for me to make my SO know that through the good and bad our life together is worth it....at the end of the day.

G

 

I totally agree with everything you wrote GBockers. Unfortunately, we live in a very selfish society where people tend to have a "me first" attitude that permeates everything they do in life.

I've never been married, but I come from a family that has had NO divorces ever in the entire extended family (aunts, cousins, brother, sister, parents, grandparts, etc.).

I see the trying times that my relatives have gone through, alcoholism, cheating, etc. But they always keep their eye on the fact that they are each others partners in life. They work it out.

We are a dying breed.

 

We are in a selfish society. Just the other day my mom told me I am going to need to change if I ever wanted to get married. I laughed at her and told her, sorry no grandchildren for you!

BUt on a serious note, people who are not selfish get got.

 

I think right now I'm trying to determine what balance I want to be selfish....should I be more worried about myself and my happiness in the long run, or should I be selfless ad think all abou my wife and the consequences on her and the kid?

Difficult question. Not one I know the answer to.

 

Yes we are a selfish society; I couldn't agree with you more. And I believe divorces happen because of our selfishness. And because we live in this society there are LOTS of things to cloud our judgement. I honestly believe that my father bailing on us provided me with some incentive to make my marriage work (if I ever married) when I was a kid. I don't consciously think about that now, but I remember talking about it with my mom.

Final thought: I am being selfish by making my relationship work; I want my kids to have all the things that I missed out on as a family.

G

 

Pickles,

Will you be happier back on "the scene" rolling with your homies every weekend? Spending your disposable income on (insert whatever here.) Coming home to an empty place (when you aren't hooked up.) Dealing with girlfriend drama, friend drama, single dude drama on the one hand, guiltless sex, partying, travelling on the other for example...where was I going with this?

Seriously, or will you be happier with a "fixed" current wife, daughter?

My compromises for example:

I don't roll with my boys anymore (EVER.)
I don't drink or smoke anymore.
I don't gamble.
I don't put myself in potential sexual situations (bars, clubs, follow up on flirts.)
I ask my wife "how can I help you with" (dishes, laundry, take kids off your hands, wash her car, whatever.)
I try and have conversations about whatever; just to communicate.
If I sense she's unhappy about something I'll ask her if she wants to talk, if she does cool. If she doesn't I give her space.

There's a lot of shit you gotta do to make things work out; it's not for everybody like Tit and Fla-tls said "we are selfish peeps". And you know what bro, if that's you then that's you. We can't judge you. You have to make Pickles happy before you can even begin to think about making anyone else happy.

G

 

Only thing I would add is a word or two about the importance of commitment. "...Til death do you part..." isn't just contrite cliches about marriage. Those words actually mean something very important.

Married August 21, 1985. Love her more today than I did then. And yes, we had a few rough spots along the way, but I wouldn't trade her for anyone else. Yes, we still do things that drive each other nuts, but....

 

WOW Pickles....I'm new here and I didn't read through all the posts. But from what I gather, there is still no resolution. That sucks. I am in the same predicament as you. And for the life of me I don't know what to do. The problem with me is that I have young children. And so far I am thinking of them. But do I go through a whole life of unhappiness or protect the kids? I know I can be happy with this other person, but i can't hurt my children. Talk to me if you want. Cause i really understand.

 

What does this person give you that your SO doesn't? Can you isolate what they do for you that SO doesn't? If so, why couldn't you approach your SO with what is "missing" or "broken" and attempt to fix it? Have you already been intimate with this other person? In that scenario maybe you're feeling guilty about cheating and the easy thing to so is jet? Can you be more specific as Pickles has been?

G

 

Just playing devil's advocate here...

Is it truly an either/or situation? Isn't there a way to be happy AND still be with her. Can't you have both?

I would assume you had a great relationship at one point. What changed from then until now?

 

The problem is that I can't think of anything, or any event, that caused me to start to feel like this. It's like I just had an epiphany that I had been unhappy, and that feeling just became clear.

As far as either/or, it is as far as if I can't find out why I'm unhappy and fix it, I've got to leave. I can't spend the rest of my life being an asshole to them because I'm unhappy. Not fair to either of us.

 

I havent read everyone elses post but i thought i would throw this out there even tho im sure someone else has mentioned it.

Life sucks, women change, and the grass is always greener somewhere else.

Speaking from experince i was with a girl for two years and then we moved intogether. During the short 6 months we lived together she changed drastically and became the most negitive and impossible person to be with. Everything had to be a "big" deal and things with south fast. Before we lived together she was awesome. You know sex all the time, pleasant to be around, couldnt wait to see her, you know all the things that make a relationship good. But you get the idea all those things werent there for very long after she "hooked" me and we moved intogether.

What im getting at is this. I re united online(at first) with this girl i used to date for a short time in college. She was everything my girlfriend wasnt. She had a positive additude, funny, laughed at my jokes, and i actually looked forward to talkign to her each day. Well as you can guess we ended up meeting up one weekend when my girlfriend was out of town and stuff happened. Life was fun again for those few hours, a couple of weeks later the same thing happend again. I felt alive.

Well i decided to run with it and after a few weeks i found a new place, ended my relationship, and moved.

Im no idiot and i knew in the end this was going to be dead in the water and wasnt expecting things to magically work out with this new girl. I used her as my out after i REALIZED how much better life could be with a positive person and that obviously i hadnt met the right person yet. We'll youve all read enough and it lasted for a few months and then she TURNED into the exact same negitive person my ex was. So i bounced and didnt look back.


But what im getting at is this, if you do leave realize that something with this new girl wont go anywhere long term.(I'll place money on that) As i said earlier the grass is always going to be greener somewhere else. But also realize that not EVERY girl is like the one you are with and you might be better off with out her.

 

 

I wish there was a :bytheshorthairs: smilie


There is no one on the face of the earth who could keep me from my friends (men or women, but my old school buddies esp).

Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean NOT being in another (loyalty to friends).

 

I realize you hadn't even read all of MY posts. If you had you'd realize that your two year relationship with a girl could not have nearly as many pitfalls as a decade long relationship (6 of those years being married), and that you're preaching to the choir. EVERY married man has had the feelings you went through, including me in the past. Every other time I've been able to shake them because I was happy in the marriage. This time, for whatever reason, I'm not happy and I can't shake that feeling.

Once and for all, I'm not leaving my wife for another women. I'm thinking of leaving because I haven't been happy in over a year in the relationship.

 

I understand, obviously that is alot more history but as i was trying to explain i was in the same exact place. I told myself over and over it wasnt bad and i was just being stupid and to let things be - but in the end like you even tho nothing was "wrong" i just wasnt happy and i couldnt be with her anymore.

The wierdest thing happened when i moved out, i was happy. Im not gonna say i never thought "why did i do that", but overall it wasnt like a normal break up where you are torn up for weeks on end. I was just really happy and it felt like i had been dealing with the emotions for the last 2 months. I was just over it. I was spent emotionally and there was nothing else to give.

 

update?

 

he found out she was sleeping with his best friend!

talk about turning the tables.

 

I don't get it. Did I miss something?

 

thats rough

thoughts with you Pickles

 

seriously?

 

x 2

dang... but if he wasn't happy with it this does make for a quick out...

 

Sounds like now he needs to find both new tail AND a new best friend...

 

That sucks... especially for his step daughter

 

wow and OMG!!!!
sorry to hear that, at least you know's you can move on now.. should see about getting some kind of custody of the lil one, since you've been there the whole time

 

... and to think that she was telling him that she was perfectly happy the entire time. Why is it that women can't just express how their feeling instead of running off with another man?

 

I never understand why people immediately throw these two ideas together. Divorce and custody are two different things and should be given deep thought and consideration as completely unique and separate decisions. Divorcing someone because the marriage failed and they aren't a good partner, doesn't necessarily mean they aren't a good parent. Can only do what's best for the child. Not referring to his case in particular, but in general.

 

i never said that anyone was not a good parent... i'm just sayin cause he loves her so much, and has been the "daddy" her whole life..
i agree with you, it sould be what's best for the child.

 

when / how did he find out about his wife & 'friend'? Sorry it has come to this.

 

Damn, that's a shitty thing to hear.

 

Ouch. Hope the guy's doing okay.

 

 

This thread is like a Jerry Springer Episode without anyone showing us their tits.

 

were Pickles and TypeSAddict banned?
I haven't seen posts from either of them lately.

 

ok theres 8 pages of answers so im not gonna read through all of them so if i repeat something sorry... but absolutely do not leave your wife for this woman... (im only 18 but i am fairly wise for my age haha) anyway my reason being getting to know a girl is ALWAYS the best part... after your comfortable with the person they show you their true colors and not only that but it just sort of becomes in a sense "boring" for lack of a better word. my parents are divorced so i live it... it SUCKS not having both parents in the house plain and simple if you wanna know what your step daughters perspective will be. jealous and "mean" wife? i hear you... i have a gf who im kinda on a 'break' from for 2 yrs shes as u would describe your wife. yeah i often think about what itd be like to be with another girl... never ever do i even come close to acting on it cuz i have a tremendous amount of loyalty (ladies ima keeper ;-P) so if i think about breaking up its usually cuz i wanna be alone with nobody... i think you should put it into that sense of thinking... do u really want to be alone? cuz when u get comfortable with this girl then you will know if you really have true feeings and thats not a guarantee that you will... one last thing u said you love your step daughter a lot... its going to be nearly impossible to see her if your wife doesnt want you to.. its hard enough for biological fathers.... anyway good luck with the situation it sounds like a sticky one.


edit: just read the 8th page so if thats true disregard the entire paragraph and leave the bitch asap... once again if its true im sorry to hear that buddy.. good luck to u.

 

where did this happen? I can't seem to find the post

 

I haven't read through this whole thread. If its true sorry to hear about you marriage. But a sudden change in a person is a sign that there is some creeping. Especially if a person is just a mad or mean all of a sudden. Just my