Ok, so here's the deal. I got married at 20, been ok until about 2 years ago.

She has gotten very jealous, and even mean in some instances. Her "mean" nature really comes out a lot, and it's becoming that she's taking everything out on me. I'm not sure if I can stand it much longer. We've talked about it, and her response is always "I've always been this way and you married me so deal with it" - except she HAS changed significantly since we married (we both have).

Now for the really shitty part - i met someone else who is everything my wife is not. We haven't done anything, but we hang out a lot, and she really makes me feel much better than my wife ever does. She's a great person, intelligent, witty, beautiful, and fun. A LOT of things my wife is not. A few nights ago we went out with a bunh of friends and went bar hopping - we ended up in a bed at my friends place and slept together (not sex, just in the same bed asleep) - the bad part is we talked until like 6 in the morning and it was the deepest, most heart-felt conversation I've ever had. Now I can't keep my mind off of her.

Now, I don't want to torpedo my marriage b/c of chick #2, because I don't think that's fair, but it's REALLY hard not to think about my situation that way. Don't get me wrong, my wife can be a great person, we just fight so damn much it's not worth keeping fighting for those fleeting good times.

This is not so much a post for advice as it is a rant, b/c I'm so confused and just had to get shit off of my chest.

 

Oh, and the more I think about it, the more I see that the only reason I think we've stayed together this long is because of my step-daughter.......i love her more than life. I'm much more worried about living without her than without my wife.....

 

Does that mean you aren't the biological father to any kids with your wife? That would certainly make your choices more difficult (not that I'm downplaying the step-child). The whole jealousy thing can be a real problem, becasuse it usually means either lack of trust or she senses that you aren't happy with her anymore. Both of which might be true here.

No matter what, you're on very dangerous ground here. If it were me, I would tell your wife everything (including your feelings for the other woman). Get it all out there, and have an "until 6:00" talk with her. You might as well start the process of working it out one way or another. One thing to remember though: a new girl always seems better. You just haven't figured out the things about HER that would drive you nuts. Don't give up too quickly.

 

Wow, tough choice to make! I know the confusion tears you up inside. I think everyone has been in this position, but do you think that in a few years with woman #2 will not yield the same results?

 

I realize the differences between old lady v. new lady, but I've actually known the new lady for almost 2 years, very well. She does have her "things", but they're significantly easier to deal with than the borderline abuse that I'm going through now....

And my step-daughter is the only child...no others.

 

I really don't know. I DO know that I can't keep living with my wife the way she is. Chick #2 or not, I can't handle the stress that my wife puts on me anymore....I've always bottled it up, and I see it starting to affect me, which I just can't allow.

 

End the first before you even think about the second...it's only fair.

And may I be so bold to ask why in the hell you got married at 20 years old?

 

I put the topic out there, ask whatever the hell you like


I know about the fair factor, and been spending all day telling myself that I need to resolve this before I even think about taking #2 any farther....

I got married at 20 b/c I was naive and was needed. My wife had her daughter at 16, and I was "dad" for all intents-and-purposes. Still am. I didn't want to let them suffer b/c I left. Shitty reason, I know, but I was 20, and a dumbass.

 

I would stay away from any situation that might lead to an affair or possible relationship in anyway (even if it's something you're considering once you've resolved issues with your wife)!! This is because almost any woman will seem like "everything your wife's not" and make you "feel better"....that's because you're currently fighting with your wife and unhappy.....Of couse everyone else is going to seem like a better option!!!

Focus on dealing with your marriage only right now! -- That means either working on fixing things or talking with your wife about other possibilities. In order to do this honestly and wholeheartedly though, you need to really focus your attention on that and not let outsiders sway your efforts/decision (even indirectly). Hanging out with other women whom you find attractive and 'more interesting than your wife' - at this point - isn't going to be helpful...it'll just convince you (whether it's true or not) that anyone else will be better than your wife. Stay away from those thoughts and situations right now. Your current situation (marriage!) should be dealt with mentally, physically, emotionally, and honestly, 100% before you even consider any future plans with others. IMO, that's the only way to be fair to yourself, your wife, and your step-daughter, and the vows you took....

 

Agreed.

 

Well I give you props for standing up and being a man at 20.

I think you should sit down calmly if possible with your wife and tell her EXACTLY how you feel. The truth is what works best in these situations.

Good luck!!!

 

I'm gonna let myself cool off for a few days and make sure that this isn't just lust for chick #2 that's making me feel this way, and then I think I'll do just that. This needs to be taken care of.

Thanks

 

So you just felt that you had to help her out? I thought the kid wasnt yours? (not saying you dont love her as one)

 

That's pretty much it. When she had the kid, she told me that she would understand if I left because it was gonna be hard......I didn't, and probably should have, because then I felt like I had "promised" my wife something that I couldn't take back.

And I love the kid more than my own...she's the reason I haven't done this before

 

.

 

Running a home together, having a child, paying bills, having known someone for at least ten years, seeing each other every day, making life decisions, and going through good and bads times is a MUCH different relationship than someone new and fresh you just met bar hopping, on best behaviour, and who hasn't dealt with you in 'real life' terms for any prolonged period of time (read: at all).

IMO, you can't even compare the relationship you have with your wife to the "relationship" you have with this new lady. They are on completely different terms.

 

Great suggestion!

J - good idea to cool off and contemplate where you stand. Once you are ready, just air things out and see what she says. Don't mention the other woman ( ) since your wife will focus on that and things will get ugly.

As for your step daughter, you can get legal custody, or joint if you end up calling it quits on the marriage. You're a lawyer, so another on my part

 

you know.. if youve known the new girl for two years, and you hang out with her a lot, and you even have thoughts of getting with her...

maybe wifey is picking up on this? where is her jealousy coming from? just putting a spin on things.. are you acting different in any way thats causing her to act so jealous? Do you guys have mutual friends that might be giving her wind that youre paying attention to other women?

 

You say your wife is getting jealous like its a bad thing. At first I thought you were going to say that you got caught on myspace or something talking to women. But you are spending the night out with women. Bad.

When you are married you need to be proactive in keeping yourself out of those situations. Otherwise you are just a cheater.

Believe me, you will meet many more women in your life that you wish you could get with. You need to block it out.

Too me it sounds like there really isn't anything wrong with your wife. You are just feeling like you missed out on something because you hitched up young.

 

im sure if i thought my husband was out with other women late or night or spending time with just one woman in particular more often id probably act similar

 

alot of you think I am out with this woman alone....not the case. EVERY time we have spent time together it's b/c we are out with a ton of friends.

Also, I have no clue what this new woman would be like in ten years. What I do know is that I haven't really been happy since I began law school, mostly because my wife doesn't understand what I go through. Along with that, she has become quite a bitch as of late. My wife has a very overactive aggressive streak - some people can handle that, and I can't. It really fucks with me. I find myself, when doing ANYTHING, "what will the wife say about this.....i wonder if she'll yell at me???" . . .etc.

Oh and chick #2 is a fellow law student....that doesn't help matters. She DOES understand, only too well, what we go through.

I REALLY want my marriage to work. But even before chick #2 came about I was unhappy with my situation. This just made it more clear as to how bad I was feeling all along.

 

I don't really want to get a divorce....I love my wife. I just wish she had some of the characteristics that chick #2 has - wierd, i know, but that's how I feel.

 

We do hang out a lot, but it's always with other people......but you may be right. Funny thing is that if she wasn't pushing me so hard with the jealous streak I wouldn't likely be looking elsewhere

 

dude just get a divorce, statistics show it was bound to happen anyway. Did you really think that getting married at 20 was intelligent or that it would last?

What ever you do do not cheat on her, she'll fuck you over til you need to use food stamps.

I just need to know if you are from the south or the midwest?

 

grass is always greener on the other side. At least you won't have to worry about child support tho.

 

Um, sounds like it may be time to call in the pros - seek the intervention of an objective third party - i.e. a marriage counselor. Find a good one, and since this is going to be your idea, "pre-screen" them to remove the nutcases and the utterly inexperienced.

People DO change in marriage; it comes with the turf. Handled well, it can be part of the continuing excitement of who you/she are, both independently and together.

Of COURSE the other woman looks more interesting, and there may well be a well-founded friendship there that is the foundation for "more". While I would be careful not not do something rash (spend a wild weekend behaving like minks in a hotel room somewhere, for example), I WOULD use your friendship with her (as you already have) to understand what is not present in your marriage. The question may be whether it ever was.....................

Your wife sounds like she is resistant to change, for whatever reason. However, you and she are pretty much in stasis, with little left except shared discord and a child. That said, if you want to reclaim the relastionship, you and your wife need new communication skills, which a skilled marital counselor should be able to provide you both with. In addition, at first, the sessions may provide "safe ground" for "bitching", so that you both get that out of your systems.

It may be that the marriage was not well-founded in the first place and is not salvageable. If that is the case, working with a marital counselor will help to establish that as well.......

 

My

Youve talked more about girl #2 than you have your problems with your wife. I think you need a larger detailed post about that or youre not going to get appropriate advise.

In the meantime. Forget girl #2 if you really want an honest opinion. Dont go hang out with her anymore. This is between you and your wife, not er or your wife.

 

Don't help drive the wedge even further.

 

Make sure you aren't letting your feelings for #2 skew your perception of your relationship with #1. Happens all the time.

 

Oh, and there is never a good reason for a married man to spend the night sleeping in bed with another woman, sex or no sex. You didn't explain the reasons for your wife's jealousy, but I'm guessing it might be well founded...

 

It really had nothing to do with any feelings we had for each other....we were both pretty drunk, and there was nowhere else in my pals apartment to rest my head.....but I see your point

 

And please, if I sound like I'm getting defensive, I'm really not. I realy see how fucked this situation is, and what a shitty place I've put myself.

I think the talk is a comin'

 

As always, well said Ric.

I realize people change in marriage, and I don't have a problem with some change, but this is change that I can't live with. IT may sound "pussy", but when 80% of the time I'm thinking about whether something will piss of my wife, it's not healthy. I've gotten multiple ulcers in the past few years from stressing over how she will react to ANYTHING (not just big shit, but like that I didn't finish a particular chore).

And the more I have thought about this the past year or so, the more I see that I probably married for the wrong reasons. I love my wife, but am no longer in love with her, and haven't been for some time.

I'm gonna check out some counselors in the next few days and see what I can find out on my own, and then talk to her.

 

Well if you're out getting wasted with friends and other women and she's sitting home I would guess, i can see why she's jealous of you. good luck with everything though. But keep in mind everyone's been thru the "grass is greener on the other side" thing. Try to block her out and focus on teh wifey.

 

What makes marriage different from gf/bf relationships is commitment. Remember the vows you said to your wife during your wedding day ("to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse...")? Your wife back then might have been your ideal girl but she has changed and maybe you have too.

If you have been unhappy with the changes in her, you should initiate a dialogue so that she'll be aware that her behavior is affecting you. In addition, you are not alleviating the situation by allowing yourself to get more emotionally involved with another woman and put yourself in precarious situations.

Seeking professional will hopefully help you. It only shows that you really want to make the marriage work and keep the family intact. Good luck!

 

I agree. As someone said earlier, you WILL meet other women that seem like a perfect match and that you have chemistry with. It's a given. Commitment means that you do whatever you can to solve the issues that you have with your wife, and keep anyone else out of the equation for now.

 

I too agree with that, and up until now any woman I've met I've dealt fine with staying away from them in that capacity - but this time between the woman and what I've been feeling for some time now with the wife it's getting hard to stay away. I'm gonna talk to the wife in the next few days. I think I may try and get into a counselor by myself first to try and make this as unpainful as possible on her....I DON'T want to hurt her, but I do need things to change...

 

can you answer my questions from page 1

 

I was 20, I had no clue about what I was gonna wear tomorrow, much less whether my marriage would last...

I'm not going to cheat on her. That's not fair to her, and even though she sucks as a wife, I would never hurt her like that.

And I'm actually from SoCal, however that matters

 

And as it turns out, I need food stamps now...I'm a law student