GBockers

Pickles! My man! That's awesome, sometimes taking things "out of the box" is very helpful. Just like you said, when I leave my therapist's office I'm usually good to go. Sometimes you have to purge to someone who knows what makes people tick; and WILL NOT JUDGE YOU. They might say things you aren't ready to hear but it's for your benefit because they're impartial.

Best wishes,

G

dom

ric

Um, the fact that she's "been great of late" may simply point out the core issues, core problems and rotten foundation for the marriage. not surprising at all, frankly.

Use a counselor to mediate, communicate and establish a platform for dialogue, whether it becomes a pathway back to a halfway decent marriage or whether it leads to severence. In any case, the two of you need some ground rules in place if you do break up to deal with the kid, whose needs should be a paramount concern. Good luck

ric

Well, if you're dealing with anxiety issues, the thought of going to a therapist is undoubtedly anxiety provoking. There are dozens of kinds of therapy out there, including behavioral modification, which simply deals with "how to handle (anxiety feelings)", or traditional talk therapy, which attempts to find root causes. Frankly, I'd personally suggest starting with a clinical psychologist who has an announced experience with anxiety disorders and start there. BUT I'd start with three of them, and interview them.

I'd suggest interviewing three therapists. Make a list, buy an hour of their time, walk in with your presenting issues defined, and a list of questions - which can include what their rates are, how long their session is, what their education is, what their experience is, what their speciality is, what their approach is, etc. At the end of three interviews, you will have a feel for whether the "chemestry is right" with one of them. If none of the three ring your chimes, keep on truck'n with a second list.

A sleazy therapist will resent the interview. A competent professional will respect you for the level of self-care that you are exhibiting. A competent therapist may recognize that he/she is not "right for you" and know a colleauge who would be.

You're a bright guy, and I am sure that you can turn this into somethign equivalent to a term paper project in a heartbeat.

As for spilling your guts, if the chemestry is right, you will begin to warm up to the concept of sharing in depth after about three to six sessions.

(I note that I have not been silent about the fact that I am a surivvor of significant childhood sexual abuse, as is my wife; we both have benefited from skilled clinicians, as well as a skilled marriage therapist. Once you get used to the concept of therapy, there is something incredibly freeing about talking about your shit with someone whose own shit is not important to you..............and frankly, my life would be radically different without the skilled intervention of a brilliant trauma therapist, a woman who works exclusively with folks with my kind of shit in my history.)

JaredGMS

That's the thing...I HAD been giving her as much attention as possible over the last few months (as stated before in the thread, she is actually working more than I am) ---> I tried even giving her more of my time while she was at work; showing up for impromptu lunches on her breaks, that sort of thing. Didn't go anywhere, unfortunetely.

JaredGMS

Everytime I talk to my therapist I feel better, BUT I feel more confident in making a decision to leave her.

JaredGMS

We've already talked about the child. We both agree that she is most important should we break up, and that she would not try and keep her from me (after all, I have no legal rights to her).

The more we talk, and I talk with my counselor, the more I think that the marriage was for the wrong reasons, and is just now falling apart from those underlying problems (at least falling apart for me).

ric

Good luck, man. take it slow, make sure of every step you take, do it clean, cover your back, and be patient, not so much with her, but with yourself. Locate the best lawyer you can afford, and don't be afraid to use them. And, you might still consder a counselor to negotiate the issues with her daughter as well as to ease the pain for both of you as you call an end to this thing.

SakiGT

Sorry to hear.

JaredGMS

Luckily, i guess, there aren't really any issues for an attorney for either of us. We don't own anything worth any value (except for a few cars, but there is no equity in those), neither of us are working at the moment (students), and we have a bunch of debt. The only thing worth raising an issue over is the debt, but we've talked in the past and she was amenable to just taking whatever bills are in our own names and leaving it at that (now, that may change if I decide to walk, but I doubt it....)

As far as my daughter, she won't take her from me for any reason, just b/c it would destroy the child (as well as me). What will likely happen is that I'll do "daddy" stuff and then also take her two weekends a month or something to that effect.

JaredGMS

I know it's weird, but I'm not. IT's like things are finally clearing up in my head....

Always Dirty

So where do things stand with woman #2? Still talking to her?

JaredGMS

Well, she's a LS peer, so I'm always talking with her, but things haven't gone any further, if that's what you mean. We just talk cordially about anythin, and then it's on our own ways.

Always Dirty

Do you have expectations of things going anywhere once you end the marriage?

JaredGMS

Nah. I don't expect to do much with women IF I end the marriage. I'm gonna need some time to get my bearings as a single man (I've been with her since I was 17....I've never lived alone, been without a SO after leaving from home, etc).


It's gonna be weird.

nicholbr

Good lord Jared. I just got caught up on the goings on (been out of town for awhile b/c of the holiday). I'm sorry things are so tumultuous right now but at least you are doing the right things and taking this process slowly. I just hope in the end everything ends up how you want it and all parties are comfortable/happy with their situations.

Keep us posted man and stay strong

TLuscious

This is BS. You are married act like it. You might as well have fucked the girl. Your wife will be just as hurt by what you have already done. I know you’re young but how stupid are you to stay out all night and not expect your wife to be a bitch to you. And maybe you should leave cuz your stepdaughter does not need to have a role model that cannot stay faithful to his wife (her mom BTW). Do you actually feel your doing them some favor by staying or are you just too afraid to leave. I can’t believe your catch'n pity on AZ. Kinda funny to me sounds like she has all the reason in the world to be jealous. And what about this home wrecker, what kind of person leads a married man on. Oh, she’s a winner.

Look I know you’re just ranting but I’m older and have better insurance listen to me. THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER. There must be a reason you married her, start trying to remember whatever it was and grow from there. Everyone deals with shit from there wf/gf during some point. Stress, money and sex are usually the culprit. Good luck you'll need it....

JaredGMS

Wow. Someone is a little bitter, eh?

Look, I didn't come on here to find pity. I'm a big boy and can deal with shit, but I thought it might be good to come here and see if anyone else had been through similar situations.

And as for your accusations, I stayed out all night b/c we (like 10 of us) went out to a bar, and got too trashed to drive home. Wife knew this a solid WEEK before I did it, and she was ok with it. It's not the first time I have done that (boozed and slept over at my buddies place).

And please believe I'm not doing this to be with woman #2. She is great, but I think when this started I was looking for a reason to blame my wife for my feelings, and #2 allowed me a good canvas to contrast against. That's no longer the case. After thinking/talking about it, I think that the whole thing has been going downhill for some time, and I'm simply not happy anymore.


Thanks for your input, though

TLuscious

If you have been married for 6yrs you know it’s a constant work in progress. She must be unhappy too (why? Cuz you’re out drinking with girls??). Try to spark the romance. I know it sucks to make the first move but its worth saving your marriage. You were happy once, you can be happy again. Ok I'll let it go... sorry if I sounded mean.

dom

Didn't you give you boyfirends best friend head and then marry him because he had a big e-penis?

JaredGMS

Are you married? Have you never gone out drinking with people when there were other MEN present without your hubby?

You make it sound like she owns me. I'm an individual, and will stay that way whether married or single. We are a couple (hence TWO DISTINCT PERSONS)

BC2G

YOU put the gun to your head and pulled the trigger the day you asked her "will you marry me"

JaredGMS

says the 22 year old

Always Dirty

Two people dating are a couple. You're supposed to be a married couple.

...and your comments on ownership and individuality would be good to share with your shrink.

JaredGMS

A married couple is still a couple....please don't think that I don't take marriage seriously, but you still need your things......some people make it out that after marriage you have to be a "WE" 100% of the time....we did that for awhile, and we had problems then too (only then we were both unhappy)

JaredGMS

and the shrink has already heard this stuff

JaredGMS

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 4 (3 members and 1 guests)
Pickles, banana, Silver™


Who the hell let the other produce in??

ric

um, smart couples, married or not, seek to support the individuality of the other person........ not thwart it. That may actually include spending something less than 100% of their time together.

nicholbr

No offense, but it sounds like you should be in front of Pickles in the line to the shrink

ric

you're older by four years, which hardly amounts to rendering you Methusela..... frankly, from the age I am at, the difference between you and he is zippo....and sometimes folks make really, really stupid misteaks when they are young. I'm hardly a proponent of cut-and-run, but it sounds as if Pickles has moved on, and his wifey is stuck. Not uncommon, is he supposed to pay for that for the rest of his freaking life?

Always Dirty

I agree completely, but it sounds like one half of his married couple has a different view on the level of independence needed in the relationship, and unfortunately for the other, that half is also the one who has already started gnawing his ankle apart.

JaredGMS

WHEW - good thing I don't have cankles, eh?

Titand19

Sounds like you're almost free. Remember to cover your back and have documentation for everything. Never know what the broad might try to pull last minute.

TLuscious

Hmmmm......Im in a 13yr relationship but only married for the past 4 however this is an easy questions.....

ONLY TILL DEATH DO WE PART!!! I think someone was sleeping at church.

nicholbr

When was the last time you checked the divorce rate in the United States? Things happen, people make mistakes. Not everyone can be infallible like God (assuming the person believes in an omnipotent being). People get married for the wrong reasons but don't realize it until time has passed and they can take a step back and see their mistakes.

My point is there are varying degrees in the strength of peoples beliefs(religious or otherwise) and thus some will break this "death do us part" vow if they are unhappy enough. I'm sorry but this is not a perfect world. If I had to take a guess I would say you are probably a very religious person...which I have nothing against, but I feel in some cases it blinds peoples views especially in situations such as this one.


Personally I would rather deal with the issue of breaking a vow than spend a lifetime in a situation I was not comfortable/happy with.

SilviaGTO

is that the church where they preach staying with your spouse forever and ever no matter what while the priest is fucking your 6 year old son in the other room while youre donating money into the bowl?


Catholic church wouldnt give my mother in law permission to divorce her then husband at the time who was physically abusing her, told her to "work it out"

ric

I'm glad you struck marital gold when you were 17, but few have such luck.

My marriage is my first, my wife's second; she divorced the bum after he refused to acknowledge that he was a raving drunk, and she got tired of raising a family on $4K a year in Philly. She bought her way out of the marriage, didn't ask for child support and rebuilt her life without running home to her daddy for $$$ qand a roof over her head. Should she have stayed with the idiot? I don't think so....

As for Pickles, he blew it. At 20. My god, if I were held accountable for decisions I made when I was 20....................Cut the guy some slack. He's not running at the first moment of discord, he's not leading a bacchanalian life filled with wanton woman, the flirtation with "the other woman" notwithstanding. I think he's tested the marital waters and found them moving from tepid to downright artic. He's doing himself and her, and for that matter, the kid, a favor.

I grew up in a household of amazing dysfunction, but one of the most bizarre was that my parents stayed together "for the kids" despite the fact that both had viable careers........... what a Trojan Horse of a gift that was......... Fortunately, they died young, and I don't have to deal with their shit any more.

ric

I hope she ditched both the idiot abuser and the church....... what a travesty!

SakiGT

At the ripe old age of 7, I cant specifically remember being grateful my parents divorced so i didnt have to hear them screaming at each other all the time.

People who stick it out in failing marriages are not only hardheaded, but probably scared of the social consequences.

TLuscious

I’m not so religious and I come from a pretty jacked up home life however, its attitudes like this that makes divorce such a nonchalant event. My mom was married 3 times and I can’t say she is happy now either. You keep saying at 20 you are not responsible for the decisions you make and since you’re young just forget about the commitment. I don’t get that. I do think if you’re absolutely sure you cannot make it work you should try one more time. Pickles sounds like he sees greener pastures and wants to roam. Maybe I’m wrong but his rant went that direction. And if you all want to coddle him to make him be more comfortable about moving on than none of you should have replied to his thread. You need to think if it was actually you in this situation, this is his life and you all are telling him oh so sorry just move on. The woman sounds a little rough around the edges but she has pulled herself out of a destructive relationship and she can probably see problems in the marriage evolving. How would you be if you were her, this is her second marriage and she has a child going thru this too. I can’t even imagine how she feels nor do any of you. Ok and the priest pervert was a bit extreme but we are on AZ I should have expected some blurb of nonsense. BTW I’m non denominational I get blunted and talk about God to my friends (thanks).Lets see how many people get pissed off now, I love this shit!!!
So pickles do what you want and so should everyone else. However, you can never undo a divorce.