Issues with the marriage...
#81
Race Director
a lot of people are saying repetitive things in here...
anywho, youre a smart guy, im sure you can figure out smooth things to say to her about going to a counseler.
Just because shes perfectly happy and doesnt think you all need professional help sounds like her way of denying theres a problem.
Then again, she wants exact problems. I suggest, if she absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then sit down, think about it over a good while with a beer, and start brainstorming things that are bothering you, revise it, put it in pretty terms, and approach her again.
If that doesnt work, inadvertently leave this thread open on your desktop. Then shell get the message.
anywho, youre a smart guy, im sure you can figure out smooth things to say to her about going to a counseler.
Just because shes perfectly happy and doesnt think you all need professional help sounds like her way of denying theres a problem.
Then again, she wants exact problems. I suggest, if she absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then sit down, think about it over a good while with a beer, and start brainstorming things that are bothering you, revise it, put it in pretty terms, and approach her again.
If that doesnt work, inadvertently leave this thread open on your desktop. Then shell get the message.
#83
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by fuzzy02CLS
This says 2 things....
1 - You are not happy with your wife & are seeking happiness elsewhere
2- You got married too young & didn't think it through enough.
Why are you out with groups of people bar hopping without your wife with you?
Why are you putting yourself in a position to maybe cheat?
You are married you have a resonabilty to your wife. I not surprised that your wife is jealous. She should be.
You need to end your marriage if your not happy.
The step kid thing doesn't mean anything. The kid is not yours. You love your wife & stay with your wife because you 2 have a connection. Not cause you have a connection to a step kid. If it was your kid it's different.
I know several people who got married very young & they are misirable cause they rushed it.
1 - You are not happy with your wife & are seeking happiness elsewhere
2- You got married too young & didn't think it through enough.
Why are you out with groups of people bar hopping without your wife with you?
Why are you putting yourself in a position to maybe cheat?
You are married you have a resonabilty to your wife. I not surprised that your wife is jealous. She should be.
You need to end your marriage if your not happy.
The step kid thing doesn't mean anything. The kid is not yours. You love your wife & stay with your wife because you 2 have a connection. Not cause you have a connection to a step kid. If it was your kid it's different.
I know several people who got married very young & they are misirable cause they rushed it.
And please don't make generalizations about step kids and a step parent's feelings for them...I have been there since she was still in the womb, and have been a father for over 8 years now. For all intents and purposes, she IS mine.
#84
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
a lot of people are saying repetitive things in here...
anywho, youre a smart guy, im sure you can figure out smooth things to say to her about going to a counseler.
Just because shes perfectly happy and doesnt think you all need professional help sounds like her way of denying theres a problem.
Then again, she wants exact problems. I suggest, if she absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then sit down, think about it over a good while with a beer, and start brainstorming things that are bothering you, revise it, put it in pretty terms, and approach her again.
If that doesnt work, inadvertently leave this thread open on your desktop. Then shell get the message.
anywho, youre a smart guy, im sure you can figure out smooth things to say to her about going to a counseler.
Just because shes perfectly happy and doesnt think you all need professional help sounds like her way of denying theres a problem.
Then again, she wants exact problems. I suggest, if she absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then sit down, think about it over a good while with a beer, and start brainstorming things that are bothering you, revise it, put it in pretty terms, and approach her again.
If that doesnt work, inadvertently leave this thread open on your desktop. Then shell get the message.
#86
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by Mike97 3.0P
Did you ever think of going to counseling just by yourself?
I think I might keep doing it, though. I don't knwo what it's worth, but I figure it can't hurt.
#87
...I like stories...
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Boston Metro
Age: 63
Posts: 284
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
This won't help resolve a couples issue...
Originally Posted by Mike97 3.0P
Did you ever think of going to counseling just by yourself?
Point being - Pickles will probably feel better about himself and his attempts to reconcile issues; however he will not be able to get much on the marriage without wife's participation.
G
#88
Senior Moderator
iTrader: (2)
And please don't make generalizations about step kids and a step parent's feelings for them...I have been there since she was still in the womb, and have been a father for over 8 years now. For all intents and purposes, she IS mine.
but I'm not putting myself in any situations like you state. I, being a law student, am also a borderline alcoholic
#89
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by fuzzy02CLS
Ahh.....That is a bit different. Didn't know the kid was 8. Damn, how old is the woman?
Sounds like you need to work out your issues as well.
Sounds like you need to work out your issues as well.
She's 25, and the second part was an attempt at humor.
#91
is learning to moonwalk i
Ask your wife, if she is perfectly happy with everything, why does she have her "episodes" of yelling at you? Ask her if she can truly be happy if you are not happy?
The toughest part will probably be convincing her she needs to go to therapy with you, but you can't give up. As stated previously, without involvement from both parties, there will be no resolution. If you need specific things to get he to agree, then say tell her how difficult it is for you to communicate with her. Have you admitted to her that you also have things you want to work on in the relationship? Letting her know that you aren't blaming everything on her may help convince her.
I really hope you can convince her and that things work out. Keep us posted.
On a related note, did you ever adopt your step-daughter? Not that you would want to split her and your wife, but would you have any legal right to joint custody or visitation?
The toughest part will probably be convincing her she needs to go to therapy with you, but you can't give up. As stated previously, without involvement from both parties, there will be no resolution. If you need specific things to get he to agree, then say tell her how difficult it is for you to communicate with her. Have you admitted to her that you also have things you want to work on in the relationship? Letting her know that you aren't blaming everything on her may help convince her.
I really hope you can convince her and that things work out. Keep us posted.
On a related note, did you ever adopt your step-daughter? Not that you would want to split her and your wife, but would you have any legal right to joint custody or visitation?
#92
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by GBockers
After my wife and I completed couples counseling I continued to see a different LICSW periodically just to vent, and talk shit out. However, whenever the topic goes to my marriage the counselor wants wifey to come in (which she now refuses to revisit.)
Point being - Pickles will probably feel better about himself and his attempts to reconcile issues; however he will not be able to get much on the marriage without wife's participation.
G
Point being - Pickles will probably feel better about himself and his attempts to reconcile issues; however he will not be able to get much on the marriage without wife's participation.
G
#93
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by moeronn
Ask your wife, if she is perfectly happy with everything, why does she have her "episodes" of yelling at you? Ask her if she can truly be happy if you are not happy?
The toughest part will probably be convincing her she needs to go to therapy with you, but you can't give up. As stated previously, without involvement from both parties, there will be no resolution. If you need specific things to get he to agree, then say tell her how difficult it is for you to communicate with her. Have you admitted to her that you also have things you want to work on in the relationship? Letting her know that you aren't blaming everything on her may help convince her.
I really hope you can convince her and that things work out. Keep us posted.
On a related note, did you ever adopt your step-daughter? Not that you would want to split her and your wife, but would you have any legal right to joint custody or visitation?
The toughest part will probably be convincing her she needs to go to therapy with you, but you can't give up. As stated previously, without involvement from both parties, there will be no resolution. If you need specific things to get he to agree, then say tell her how difficult it is for you to communicate with her. Have you admitted to her that you also have things you want to work on in the relationship? Letting her know that you aren't blaming everything on her may help convince her.
I really hope you can convince her and that things work out. Keep us posted.
On a related note, did you ever adopt your step-daughter? Not that you would want to split her and your wife, but would you have any legal right to joint custody or visitation?
And I'm trying to tell her that while it's her anger that really gets to me, I also told her that's its just my feelings and that I need to work on it so that I might feel the way I did before.
#94
Meat stick
Thread Starter
We talked again last night, and we're gonna try counseling. She's convinced that now she's never gonna be able to trust me again, though. How that's gonna work, I have no idea, but we'll see. I think at this point my marriage has about a 30% chance of surviving July intact.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
#95
...I like stories...
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Boston Metro
Age: 63
Posts: 284
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
This is progress.
Originally Posted by Pickles
We talked again last night, and we're gonna try counseling. She's convinced that now she's never gonna be able to trust me again, though. How that's gonna work, I have no idea, but we'll see. I think at this point my marriage has about a 30% chance of surviving July intact.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
Good luck brother,
G
#96
is Pretty Much a Moron
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Rochester, NY
Age: 38
Posts: 8,140
Likes: 0
Received 2 Likes
on
1 Post
Originally Posted by Pickles
We talked again last night, and we're gonna try counseling. She's convinced that now she's never gonna be able to trust me again, though. How that's gonna work, I have no idea, but we'll see. I think at this point my marriage has about a 30% chance of surviving July intact.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
#97
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by TypeSAddict
I have no advice, and no experience, my friend but want to wish you the best of luck. Hopefully you find happiness and everyone makes it through this satisfied.
#98
Race Director
Originally Posted by Pickles
We talked again last night, and we're gonna try counseling. She's convinced that now she's never gonna be able to trust me again, though. How that's gonna work, I have no idea, but we'll see. I think at this point my marriage has about a 30% chance of surviving July intact.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.
Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.
there is no reason to tell your wife about her unless you did something with her.
because now youve 'emotionally cheated' on her, which is just as bad in her eyes.. and now you get all the punishment and mistrust without any of the pleasure of the deed.
#99
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
what the hell did you say to her??? you didnt tell her about the other woman did you???
there is no reason to tell your wife about her unless you did something with her.
because now youve 'emotionally cheated' on her, which is just as bad in her eyes.. and now you get all the punishment and mistrust without any of the pleasure of the deed.
there is no reason to tell your wife about her unless you did something with her.
because now youve 'emotionally cheated' on her, which is just as bad in her eyes.. and now you get all the punishment and mistrust without any of the pleasure of the deed.
I want this to work, but I'm not sure she has the ability to change her ways (she said as much yesterday).
#101
is learning to moonwalk i
Originally Posted by Pickles
No, we just got her to calm down a bit and talk, instead of yell at me. I haven't told her ANYTHING about girl #2, because honestly I don't think i'd think so highly of her if I wasn't so upset with my wife (and you're right, I haven't done anything).
I want this to work, but I'm not sure she has the ability to change her ways (she said as much yesterday).
I want this to work, but I'm not sure she has the ability to change her ways (she said as much yesterday).
As for her ability, she does have it. The question is does she have the desire and patience?
Good luck. Hopefully the councelor will give you both the resources you need to communicate better and settle things. Regardless of the outcome, I hope the result is what is best for you, first and foremost.
#103
Banned
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Champaign, Illinois
Age: 42
Posts: 7,309
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Originally Posted by Pickles
She's 25, and the second part was an attempt at humor.
#104
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by Always Dirty
If you have any intentions of staying with your wife DO NOT tell her ANYTHING about your friend. Trust me. You will never hear the end of it. Ever.
#106
go like hell
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Anna,OH(home of the honda/acura motors)
Age: 42
Posts: 5,154
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like
on
1 Post
first off I wanna say sorry to Pickles for you feeling trapped.
now about the marriage. I was in a bad marriage. what happened was Amy got a let go from teacher last year from teaching(because #1. she wasn't showing up to work enough #2. she wasn't filling out lesson plans on time) anyhow, we have a daughter together, I work A LOT of hours. usually through the week i work at least 40 at the fabrication shop. then about 20 hours(if it isn't harvest or planting season) on the farm. and on the weekends driving semi it depends on how many loads and where dad wants stuff to go. and this doesn't include time i'd volunteer at the fire dept training and stuff like that. anyhow all i asked amy to do was get a job. she was off for 6-7 months and she'd send in maybe 2 resumes a month. plus i'd tell her while i'm gone(like driving truck on the weekend) can you clean the house, unload and reload dishwasher, run some laundry, basically misc chores. and this happened more than 10 times i know of. I'd come home she's sitting on the sofa eating chips and nothing been done. I'm thinking "what the hell have you done for the last 10 hours?" it doesn't take that long to complete the chores i requested. she'd get pissed because i'd get mad at her. so she moved out filed for divorce. so on top of all the jobs i was doing i was also being a "house keeper" cause she was so damn lazy.
bottom line: it gets better with time.
yes i am doing house chores on my own but even at work they say i'm a lot calmer and more at peace with myself.
now about the marriage. I was in a bad marriage. what happened was Amy got a let go from teacher last year from teaching(because #1. she wasn't showing up to work enough #2. she wasn't filling out lesson plans on time) anyhow, we have a daughter together, I work A LOT of hours. usually through the week i work at least 40 at the fabrication shop. then about 20 hours(if it isn't harvest or planting season) on the farm. and on the weekends driving semi it depends on how many loads and where dad wants stuff to go. and this doesn't include time i'd volunteer at the fire dept training and stuff like that. anyhow all i asked amy to do was get a job. she was off for 6-7 months and she'd send in maybe 2 resumes a month. plus i'd tell her while i'm gone(like driving truck on the weekend) can you clean the house, unload and reload dishwasher, run some laundry, basically misc chores. and this happened more than 10 times i know of. I'd come home she's sitting on the sofa eating chips and nothing been done. I'm thinking "what the hell have you done for the last 10 hours?" it doesn't take that long to complete the chores i requested. she'd get pissed because i'd get mad at her. so she moved out filed for divorce. so on top of all the jobs i was doing i was also being a "house keeper" cause she was so damn lazy.
bottom line: it gets better with time.
yes i am doing house chores on my own but even at work they say i'm a lot calmer and more at peace with myself.
#107
Originally Posted by Water-S
first off I wanna say sorry to Pickles for you feeling trapped.
now about the marriage. I was in a bad marriage. what happened was Amy got a let go from teacher last year from teaching(because #1. she wasn't showing up to work enough #2. she wasn't filling out lesson plans on time) anyhow, we have a daughter together, I work A LOT of hours. usually through the week i work at least 40 at the fabrication shop. then about 20 hours(if it isn't harvest or planting season) on the farm. and on the weekends driving semi it depends on how many loads and where dad wants stuff to go. and this doesn't include time i'd volunteer at the fire dept training and stuff like that. anyhow all i asked amy to do was get a job. she was off for 6-7 months and she'd send in maybe 2 resumes a month. plus i'd tell her while i'm gone(like driving truck on the weekend) can you clean the house, unload and reload dishwasher, run some laundry, basically misc chores. and this happened more than 10 times i know of. I'd come home she's sitting on the sofa eating chips and nothing been done. I'm thinking "what the hell have you done for the last 10 hours?" it doesn't take that long to complete the chores i requested. she'd get pissed because i'd get mad at her. so she moved out filed for divorce. so on top of all the jobs i was doing i was also being a "house keeper" cause she was so damn lazy.
bottom line: it gets better with time.
yes i am doing house chores on my own but even at work they say i'm a lot calmer and more at peace with myself.
now about the marriage. I was in a bad marriage. what happened was Amy got a let go from teacher last year from teaching(because #1. she wasn't showing up to work enough #2. she wasn't filling out lesson plans on time) anyhow, we have a daughter together, I work A LOT of hours. usually through the week i work at least 40 at the fabrication shop. then about 20 hours(if it isn't harvest or planting season) on the farm. and on the weekends driving semi it depends on how many loads and where dad wants stuff to go. and this doesn't include time i'd volunteer at the fire dept training and stuff like that. anyhow all i asked amy to do was get a job. she was off for 6-7 months and she'd send in maybe 2 resumes a month. plus i'd tell her while i'm gone(like driving truck on the weekend) can you clean the house, unload and reload dishwasher, run some laundry, basically misc chores. and this happened more than 10 times i know of. I'd come home she's sitting on the sofa eating chips and nothing been done. I'm thinking "what the hell have you done for the last 10 hours?" it doesn't take that long to complete the chores i requested. she'd get pissed because i'd get mad at her. so she moved out filed for divorce. so on top of all the jobs i was doing i was also being a "house keeper" cause she was so damn lazy.
bottom line: it gets better with time.
yes i am doing house chores on my own but even at work they say i'm a lot calmer and more at peace with myself.
Can a mod delete this post? This maroon has no business giving anybody relationship advice.
Thank you,
The AZ Masses
#108
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by Always Dirty
Can a mod delete this post? This maroon has no business giving anybody relationship advice.
Thank you,
The AZ Masses
Thank you,
The AZ Masses
#109
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by kurt_bradley
Or at least work in some paragraphs.
Originally Posted by water-s
Sorry you're feeling trapped Pickles. I once did too.
I was in a bad marriage. Amy [water's wife] was fired from her job as a schoolteacher because she was often absent or tardy and because she didn't fill out her lesson plans on time. Anyhow, we also have a daughter. I work A LOT of hours. ..and she wouldn't even do the necessary housework. So to top it off, I had to become a "house keeper" cause she was so damn lazy. Now we are divorced.
bottom line: it gets better with time.
Yes I do house chores on my own but even at work they say i'm a lot calmer and more at peace with myself.
I was in a bad marriage. Amy [water's wife] was fired from her job as a schoolteacher because she was often absent or tardy and because she didn't fill out her lesson plans on time. Anyhow, we also have a daughter. I work A LOT of hours. ..and she wouldn't even do the necessary housework. So to top it off, I had to become a "house keeper" cause she was so damn lazy. Now we are divorced.
bottom line: it gets better with time.
Yes I do house chores on my own but even at work they say i'm a lot calmer and more at peace with myself.
#110
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Well, it seems the ship is sinking quickly. Every day I feel more like it's less her fault and more that I just want out. I have no clue why, she really has been great as of late......
feck
feck
#111
East Coast Boost.!
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: NYC & LI
Posts: 4,365
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
you want out because you still have a chance to live your life....don't fuck it up. If you break it off now, rather than then, she will have less to take from you.
time for a new beginning
time for a new beginning
#115
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by Big Duhty
Do what Fumke did and have an open relationship...You know be married...but have sex with other people.
#116
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by SakiGT
Youre talking yourself into this...
Stop thinking. Go see a counselor before you do anything rash.
Stop thinking. Go see a counselor before you do anything rash.
And I am seeing a therapist, twice a week.
#117
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by M TYPE X
No no no, it has to be the fault of someone, even if the law is no-fault.
#118
is Pretty Much a Moron
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Rochester, NY
Age: 38
Posts: 8,140
Likes: 0
Received 2 Likes
on
1 Post
Originally Posted by Pickles
Perhaps I am, but I feel more comfortable with my position after thinking about it than I have since this thing started. I think I may have been looking for a problem with her, when it's been a problem with my perception of the relationship all along...
And I am seeing a therapist, twice a week.
And I am seeing a therapist, twice a week.
If it's solo, how do you like it? I'm considering looking into something like that....I've pretty much convinced myself that I have a variety of anxiety disorders. I just don't know if I could deal with spilling my guts to a stranger, and honestly doubt how effective that approach would even be.
#119
Meat stick
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by TypeSAddict
Personally or a marriage therapist?
If it's solo, how do you like it? I'm considering looking into something like that....I've pretty much convinced myself that I have a variety of anxiety disorders. I just don't know if I could deal with spilling my guts to a stranger, and honestly doubt how effective that approach would even be.
If it's solo, how do you like it? I'm considering looking into something like that....I've pretty much convinced myself that I have a variety of anxiety disorders. I just don't know if I could deal with spilling my guts to a stranger, and honestly doubt how effective that approach would even be.
And you'd be surprised how helpful just talking it out can be
#120
Senior Moderator
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Age: 47
Posts: 17,085
Received 740 Likes
on
309 Posts
I didn't read every post in this thread, I skimmed through most of it, but there is one thing that I noticed was not mentioned. I'm sure this happens often, some women may express it, and some may not.
My wife gets the way you said your wife is when she doesn't get any attention from me. I've been very involved in my business, so my wife doesn't see me during the week a whole lot. When we are together, she wants to be with me as much as she can before the week starts over because she knows that i won't be around to give her attention.
She's coping with my busy-ness, because I'm doing it for both of us. She tries to help when she can, and that's that. My only complaint to you is that you're hanging around with other people when your wife should be with you too! Having intense conversations with someone else, you should be having the conversations with your wife instead!
Try giving her more attention and see if that makes a difference. You'll never find someone perfect, I'm sure you would find many things in other people that would attract you more to them than your wife, but you love her for who she is and what she has (and had) to offer. It might not have sounded right written, but unless you have non-stop fights and arguments, you don't seem to be in such a bad position. Good Luck!
My wife gets the way you said your wife is when she doesn't get any attention from me. I've been very involved in my business, so my wife doesn't see me during the week a whole lot. When we are together, she wants to be with me as much as she can before the week starts over because she knows that i won't be around to give her attention.
She's coping with my busy-ness, because I'm doing it for both of us. She tries to help when she can, and that's that. My only complaint to you is that you're hanging around with other people when your wife should be with you too! Having intense conversations with someone else, you should be having the conversations with your wife instead!
Try giving her more attention and see if that makes a difference. You'll never find someone perfect, I'm sure you would find many things in other people that would attract you more to them than your wife, but you love her for who she is and what she has (and had) to offer. It might not have sounded right written, but unless you have non-stop fights and arguments, you don't seem to be in such a bad position. Good Luck!