Issues with the marriage...
06-26-2006, 01:29 PM
#42
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by Eggplant-EX
If girl # 2 will hit on you while you are married, she will do the same when she winds up with you later on...
run!!
run!!
06-26-2006, 01:36 PM
#43
Not Asian
Originally Posted by Pickles
Ok, so here's the deal. I got married at 20, been ok until about 2 years ago.
She has gotten very jealous, and even mean in some instances. Her "mean" nature really comes out a lot, and it's becoming that she's taking everything out on me. I'm not sure if I can stand it much longer. We've talked about it, and her response is always "I've always been this way and you married me so deal with it" - except she HAS changed significantly since we married (we both have).
Now for the really shitty part - i met someone else who is everything my wife is not. We haven't done anything, but we hang out a lot, and she really makes me feel much better than my wife ever does. She's a great person, intelligent, witty, beautiful, and fun. A LOT of things my wife is not. A few nights ago we went out with a bunh of friends and went bar hopping - we ended up in a bed at my friends place and slept together (not sex, just in the same bed asleep) - the bad part is we talked until like 6 in the morning and it was the deepest, most heart-felt conversation I've ever had. Now I can't keep my mind off of her.
Now, I don't want to torpedo my marriage b/c of chick #2, because I don't think that's fair, but it's REALLY hard not to think about my situation that way. Don't get me wrong, my wife can be a great person, we just fight so damn much it's not worth keeping fighting for those fleeting good times.
This is not so much a post for advice as it is a rant, b/c I'm so confused and just had to get shit off of my chest.
She has gotten very jealous, and even mean in some instances. Her "mean" nature really comes out a lot, and it's becoming that she's taking everything out on me. I'm not sure if I can stand it much longer. We've talked about it, and her response is always "I've always been this way and you married me so deal with it" - except she HAS changed significantly since we married (we both have).
Now for the really shitty part - i met someone else who is everything my wife is not. We haven't done anything, but we hang out a lot, and she really makes me feel much better than my wife ever does. She's a great person, intelligent, witty, beautiful, and fun. A LOT of things my wife is not. A few nights ago we went out with a bunh of friends and went bar hopping - we ended up in a bed at my friends place and slept together (not sex, just in the same bed asleep) - the bad part is we talked until like 6 in the morning and it was the deepest, most heart-felt conversation I've ever had. Now I can't keep my mind off of her.
Now, I don't want to torpedo my marriage b/c of chick #2, because I don't think that's fair, but it's REALLY hard not to think about my situation that way. Don't get me wrong, my wife can be a great person, we just fight so damn much it's not worth keeping fighting for those fleeting good times.
This is not so much a post for advice as it is a rant, b/c I'm so confused and just had to get shit off of my chest.
06-26-2006, 01:40 PM
#44
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Thread Starter
Originally Posted by phipark
So, your wife is a bad person, stupid, uncreative, ugly and boring?
06-26-2006, 08:12 PM
#47
Race Director
this may be me projecting a bit but:
You make it seem like its all her fault. theres probably a side to this about you too.
I know I can get a bit naggy on my husband, and he worries about pissing me off, but were talking, when I ask him to do something like clean the kitchen or run a load of laundry and instead he plays online poker all day and throws empty food containers on the floor, then I get bitchy.. see theres a reason I get that way
if youre a law student.. are you too busy to help out? are you neglecting her? I know women tend to get bitchy and resentful at being ignored.. do you tend to be messy?
Also, if you spend a lot of time with school, and then you hang out with your friends a lot, and youre staying out overnight partying.. all of this sounds like youre not including your wife.. shes probably got a good basis for becoming paranoid and jealous.
Maybe you should sit down and talk to her, and find out maybe the things shes upset about with you..
Im not being all pro-female here, but i tend to find in relationship problems, theres problems on BOTH sides. You probably do stuff youre unaware about that adds tension.
You make it seem like its all her fault. theres probably a side to this about you too.
I know I can get a bit naggy on my husband, and he worries about pissing me off, but were talking, when I ask him to do something like clean the kitchen or run a load of laundry and instead he plays online poker all day and throws empty food containers on the floor, then I get bitchy.. see theres a reason I get that way
if youre a law student.. are you too busy to help out? are you neglecting her? I know women tend to get bitchy and resentful at being ignored.. do you tend to be messy?
Also, if you spend a lot of time with school, and then you hang out with your friends a lot, and youre staying out overnight partying.. all of this sounds like youre not including your wife.. shes probably got a good basis for becoming paranoid and jealous.
Maybe you should sit down and talk to her, and find out maybe the things shes upset about with you..
Im not being all pro-female here, but i tend to find in relationship problems, theres problems on BOTH sides. You probably do stuff youre unaware about that adds tension.
06-26-2006, 08:16 PM
#49
Race Director
Originally Posted by M TYPE X
Marriage counselor?! 
Make #2 ... #1 !!! 
Silvie is biased.
Make #2 ... #1 !!! Silvie is biased.
i just find it very hard to believe that all her bitchiness and jealousy is unfounded. Ive never met a relationship where one person was completely at fault.
06-26-2006, 08:26 PM
#50
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Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
i just find it very hard to believe that all her bitchiness and jealousy is unfounded. Ive never met a relationship where one person was completely at fault.He's hungry, and she should get back into the kitchen and feed him.
06-27-2006, 09:00 AM
#52
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Thread Starter
Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
this may be me projecting a bit but:
You make it seem like its all her fault. theres probably a side to this about you too.
I know I can get a bit naggy on my husband, and he worries about pissing me off, but were talking, when I ask him to do something like clean the kitchen or run a load of laundry and instead he plays online poker all day and throws empty food containers on the floor, then I get bitchy.. see theres a reason I get that way
if youre a law student.. are you too busy to help out? are you neglecting her? I know women tend to get bitchy and resentful at being ignored.. do you tend to be messy?
Also, if you spend a lot of time with school, and then you hang out with your friends a lot, and youre staying out overnight partying.. all of this sounds like youre not including your wife.. shes probably got a good basis for becoming paranoid and jealous.
Maybe you should sit down and talk to her, and find out maybe the things shes upset about with you..
Im not being all pro-female here, but i tend to find in relationship problems, theres problems on BOTH sides. You probably do stuff youre unaware about that adds tension.
You make it seem like its all her fault. theres probably a side to this about you too.
I know I can get a bit naggy on my husband, and he worries about pissing me off, but were talking, when I ask him to do something like clean the kitchen or run a load of laundry and instead he plays online poker all day and throws empty food containers on the floor, then I get bitchy.. see theres a reason I get that way
if youre a law student.. are you too busy to help out? are you neglecting her? I know women tend to get bitchy and resentful at being ignored.. do you tend to be messy?
Also, if you spend a lot of time with school, and then you hang out with your friends a lot, and youre staying out overnight partying.. all of this sounds like youre not including your wife.. shes probably got a good basis for becoming paranoid and jealous.
Maybe you should sit down and talk to her, and find out maybe the things shes upset about with you..
Im not being all pro-female here, but i tend to find in relationship problems, theres problems on BOTH sides. You probably do stuff youre unaware about that adds tension.
And perhaps I overstated the problem at first - out marriage works great 90% of the time. It's the 10% that is too much (and I know not everything is great all of the time, but when I fear my wife's attitude that night, I can't live with that bad 10%)
06-27-2006, 09:01 AM
#53
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Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
06-27-2006, 09:03 AM
#54
Race Director
ah well then. you need to put it to her like this. Things arent working, you arent happy, youre willing to work things out with a professional if she is, and see what she says. If she refuses, you know your next course of action.
06-27-2006, 09:16 AM
#55
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Thread Starter
Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
ah well then. you need to put it to her like this. Things arent working, you arent happy, youre willing to work things out with a professional if she is, and see what she says. If she refuses, you know your next course of action.
06-27-2006, 09:28 AM
#56
Race Director
Originally Posted by Pickles
I know all of that....here's the problem. I love her and it KILLS me to hurt her. Also, I've never been much of a "me-first" kind of person, so putting my needs of sanity before her is VERY difficult for me.
you can be tactful about this and let her know there are problems without hurting her.
instead of at first saying "this is why i feel were not working" and then list off things shes doing,
try to explain that you feel you two are straying apart and how much you love her, ect and so forth and then suggest a marraige counseler. that way you dont have to say anything that hurts her, but it lets her know there are problems. once you get into the sessions, then things can come out, and who knows what things will fly out of her mouth! lol.
06-27-2006, 09:30 AM
#57
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Thread Starter
Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
hmm..
you can be tactful about this and let her know there are problems without hurting her.
instead of at first saying "this is why i feel were not working" and then list off things shes doing,
try to explain that you feel you two are straying apart and how much you love her, ect and so forth and then suggest a marraige counseler. that way you dont have to say anything that hurts her, but it lets her know there are problems. once you get into the sessions, then things can come out, and who knows what things will fly out of her mouth! lol.
you can be tactful about this and let her know there are problems without hurting her.
instead of at first saying "this is why i feel were not working" and then list off things shes doing,
try to explain that you feel you two are straying apart and how much you love her, ect and so forth and then suggest a marraige counseler. that way you dont have to say anything that hurts her, but it lets her know there are problems. once you get into the sessions, then things can come out, and who knows what things will fly out of her mouth! lol.
And please don't think that I'mm Mr. Perfect, I know I'm not.....I just personally can't deal with this much longer.
06-27-2006, 09:41 AM
#58
Race Director
well you cant just keep taking the emotional stress,its not fair to you, and its sort of unfair to bail on the marriage without even trying. Its probably not going to be pretty and some hurtful things probably will get said.. but.. well do you know if shes happy or not? she maybe be perfectly willing and ready to go into counseling.
you say you dont want to hurt her, but think. if you serve divorce papers without talking first, thats going to hurt a hell of a lot more than suggesting youd like to try to save the marriage first because you love her.
you say you dont want to hurt her, but think. if you serve divorce papers without talking first, thats going to hurt a hell of a lot more than suggesting youd like to try to save the marriage first because you love her.
06-27-2006, 10:31 AM
#61
Suzuka Master
Jared,
Your wife sounds exactly like my ex-wife. I met her when I was 20 and I we got married when I was 23. She was 32 at the time. She was very controlling and jealous, and overall, she could just be a mean person. Anyways, I tried hard for 2 years to make it work but I was getting more and more depressed with my situation. We had a lot of fun together and a history of travel, parties, and times I will never forget. Her parents were even loaded (living in Granite Bay) and they loved me.
In the end though, it wasn't enough. We tried counceling and both tried to change but we didn't. She especially, was set in her ways. There was never another woman involved for me but I needed a fresh start. We decided to get devorced because I wasn't happy. The split was ammicable and we continued to live together for 2 months until our house sold. I then moved to Texas to start over.
It was definitely worth it. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through but in the end, people do make mistakes.
I wish you good luck with your decision and I do agree that you should talk to a councilor first.
Your wife sounds exactly like my ex-wife. I met her when I was 20 and I we got married when I was 23. She was 32 at the time. She was very controlling and jealous, and overall, she could just be a mean person. Anyways, I tried hard for 2 years to make it work but I was getting more and more depressed with my situation. We had a lot of fun together and a history of travel, parties, and times I will never forget. Her parents were even loaded (living in Granite Bay) and they loved me.
In the end though, it wasn't enough. We tried counceling and both tried to change but we didn't. She especially, was set in her ways. There was never another woman involved for me but I needed a fresh start. We decided to get devorced because I wasn't happy. The split was ammicable and we continued to live together for 2 months until our house sold. I then moved to Texas to start over.
It was definitely worth it. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through but in the end, people do make mistakes.
I wish you good luck with your decision and I do agree that you should talk to a councilor first.
06-28-2006, 06:54 AM
#62
Originally Posted by Mockenrue
Does that mean you aren't the biological father to any kids with your wife? That would certainly make your choices more difficult (not that I'm downplaying the step-child). The whole jealousy thing can be a real problem, becasuse it usually means either lack of trust or she senses that you aren't happy with her anymore. Both of which might be true here.
No matter what, you're on very dangerous ground here. If it were me, I would tell your wife everything (including your feelings for the other woman). Get it all out there, and have an "until 6:00" talk with her. You might as well start the process of working it out one way or another. One thing to remember though: a new girl always seems better. You just haven't figured out the things about HER that would drive you nuts. Don't give up too quickly.
No matter what, you're on very dangerous ground here. If it were me, I would tell your wife everything (including your feelings for the other woman). Get it all out there, and have an "until 6:00" talk with her. You might as well start the process of working it out one way or another. One thing to remember though: a new girl always seems better. You just haven't figured out the things about HER that would drive you nuts. Don't give up too quickly.
I second that
06-28-2006, 06:58 AM
#63
Originally Posted by Pickles
I really don't know. I DO know that I can't keep living with my wife the way she is. Chick #2 or not, I can't handle the stress that my wife puts on me anymore....I've always bottled it up, and I see it starting to affect me, which I just can't allow.
06-28-2006, 07:25 AM
#65
Race Director
Originally Posted by miner
Does her mean streak tend to come in 28 day cycles?
yes, after six years, her PMS is just starting to show. before that, she wasnt ovulating.
06-28-2006, 08:57 AM
#66
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Thread Starter
Well, we talked last night. It went great. Needless to say she's not a happy camper right now, and it ended up hurting her more than I realized it would (even with Silvia's direction). She's borderline on helping us/yelling at me. Now I'm totally confused. I told her I need help from her to get through this, but she says that unless I can tell her EXACTLY what to fix, then there's nothing to fix. Problem is I know that we need to work on general "things", but I can't give her the specifics she's looking for.
And apparently counseling is out.
Fuck.
And apparently counseling is out.
Fuck.
06-28-2006, 09:27 AM
#69
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by Pickles
And for the record, she says she's been perfectly happy.....nothing to complain about according to her
06-28-2006, 09:28 AM
#70
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Originally Posted by sasha
Now that's a tough one. I'm surprised she didn't agree with the counseling. What was her reasoning for not wanting one?
06-28-2006, 09:39 AM
#71
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by Pickles
She said that we should either work it out between ourselves, and further that since I can't tell her exactly what is wrong that it would do no good....
06-28-2006, 09:44 AM
#72
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Originally Posted by kurt_bradley
That's what the counselor is for. They're the professional that can help decipher these signals and try to help you better communicate and reach a resolution. If you could always figure out everything that was wrong and how to present a solution, there wouldn't be relationship counselors.
06-28-2006, 09:45 AM
#73
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Couples Therapy
Originally Posted by kurt_bradley
That's what the counselor is for. They're the professional that can help decipher these signals and try to help you better communicate and reach a resolution. If you could always figure out everything that was wrong and how to present a solution, there wouldn't be relationship counselors.
Wifey and I had it after my son was born (6 years ago); the counselor was very helpful. We still have spats, but NOTHING compared to before the therapy. Good luck,
G
06-28-2006, 09:48 AM
#74
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Originally Posted by GBockers
Wifey and I had it after my son was born (6 years ago); the counselor was very helpful. We still have spats, but NOTHING compared to before the therapy. Good luck,
G
I just almost spit up my orange juice on my keyboard b/c of your AV....."go away n00b" from a guy with <100 posts
I needed that laugh
06-28-2006, 09:49 AM
#75
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by Pickles
Thanks
06-28-2006, 11:52 AM
#78
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Originally Posted by Pickles
Funny thing is that I'm so consumed with this that I'm not really eating....I'm so damn depressed that I've lost almost 10 pounds
06-28-2006, 12:20 PM
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My AV.
Originally Posted by Pickles
I just almost spit up my orange juice on my keyboard b/c of your AV....."go away n00b" from a guy with <100 posts
I needed that laugh
G
06-28-2006, 12:51 PM
#80
Now for the really shitty part - i met someone else who is everything my wife is not. We haven't done anything, but we hang out a lot, and she really makes me feel much better than my wife ever does. She's a great person, intelligent, witty, beautiful, and fun. A LOT of things my wife is not. A few nights ago we went out with a bunh of friends and went bar hopping - we ended up in a bed at my friends place and slept together (not sex, just in the same bed asleep) - the bad part is we talked until like 6 in the morning and it was the deepest, most heart-felt conversation I've ever had. Now I can't keep my mind off of her.
1 - You are not happy with your wife & are seeking happiness elsewhere
2- You got married too young & didn't think it through enough.
Why are you out with groups of people bar hopping without your wife with you?
Why are you putting yourself in a position to maybe cheat?
You are married you have a resonabilty to your wife. I not surprised that your wife is jealous. She should be.
You need to end your marriage if your not happy.
The step kid thing doesn't mean anything. The kid is not yours. You love your wife & stay with your wife because you 2 have a connection. Not cause you have a connection to a step kid. If it was your kid it's different.
I know several people who got married very young & they are misirable cause they rushed it.