Background: I've been with Tiff for almost a year now. I recently in ( jan ) bought a house. I asked her and her son connor to move in with me since we've had been talking about it since our leases were up. She moves in and we've been great! Now that shes moved in and were what i would call serious. I've been taking on the father role. Hes never had once since his bio dad has never been around for certain reasons. I love what i'm doing, its the greatest thing in the world and i love connor like my own. We developed a very good father/son relationship and its great.

I'm still new to this. I will make mistakes. Yesterday i was home all day from work, i'm a shift worker, she works 730-430. I was out running around going errands and got home around 1pm. From one until she got home at 6ish i was in the yard doing yard work. Weve been texting all day just about random things, and she texts me at 345 saying shes leaving work. I said ok babe see you when you get home. about 445 i ask her hows traffic. She says ok not bad i'm in huntigntown about 25 minutes away, she says still picking up CJ. I said ok babe. Continued to cut up the 3 trees i had cut down earlier. So about 5 i get a text saying " Thanks for the offering to pick up connor, don't worry i'm almost there". I was just like WTF? so to make this story a little shorter she came home all pissed off that i never offered to get him.
I pick him up often, and make sure hes home if shes going to be late or if its nice out so he does't have to be stuck in preschool all day. She says that she expected me to offer but i did'nt, and that shes been a single mom for 3 years and maybe she should just keep doing what shes doing ie: not relying on anyone else to do anything. I got defensive and said were a team, sorry i got confused. She took it as i should have thought about picking him up and wanting to spend time with him, yada yada and that i want to be a father etc. I said baby, i'm still new at this, her reply is i thought you were ready to do this, etc.....

was i in the wrong? Should i have picked him up? She always says that she wants to, because she dos'nt get much time at home other than weekend, but shes in the air force reserves so like this weekend shes working. So she likes to take him and pick him up because its just 15 more minutes she can spend with him.

i love spending time with him, infact we have his first tball game tomorrow, and hes on the A's, i went out yesterday and bought tiff and my self A's hats so we can sport his tball team and so he can see us wearing what he is. That would make him happy. But was i wrong not to offer? Honestly it did'nt cross my mind when she said she was picking him up. i dunno.

 

I'm going to have to say you've simply failed to have ESP when she thought you should have it. What's really weird is that my ESP seems to ebb most when her flow is highest, if you catch my drift.

I just remind her that all she had to do was ask. I never take accountability for her failure to communicate.

 

From a guys perspective this "I expected you" stuff never ends well. She needs to learn to communicate her expectations, communication is key to everything and if she cant admit she needs your help with something this trivial who knows what else she is not telling you.

Were you wrong, no. Could you have asked, yes. Should she have admitted she needed your help, YES.

 

welcome to women, doesnt get any better.

 

ugh...sorry man.
Next time she should just ask you.

 

yeah i agree. I told her i'm not a mind reader. I guess now in this round-a-bout, RAtarded way, she just asked me if i could pick him up more often. Which i have no problem doing, could have been a lot more simple. Than to waste an evening " making a point"

 

us women expect too much from you guys, i dont think you are wrong since its not like u were on the couch doing nothing. she will get over it, i am assuming she was just frustrated with the fact that she was in traffic ect..

 

Your right, i got up at 6am, left work by 7, home by 8, gym by 9, errands till 1, yard work till 6pm. Then spend time with her and connor. If she'd just ask, i have no problem picking him up. Gee-sus!

 

Don't expect....just fucking ask!

 

Ugh, welcome to women.

Like others, I simply remind my gf that she needs to communicate what she wants of me. We're not mind readers!

 

well we expect since many of the things just seem like something that shouldnt even need to be asked for ... like common sense things ... lol

 

I'm getting the sense that maybe it's less about your willingness to get in the car and drive and more about her wanting you to want to spend time with her son. I'm not saying that puts you in the wrong - you'd have likely gotten a lot less work done in the yard if you were supervising the kid, but from what you've said, it sounds like that's what has her worried.

 

shit tina....marry me LOL !!!

i was dating this girl who didnt know what she wanted so no matter what i do it wasnt enough !!!

she earned minimum wage....and at the same time wanted to enough the life to the fullest....so i had to pay all her bills....now she wanted to have a girls miami trip....i told her, if you need any help lemme know (i learned from prev mistake of not offering).....she said "i rather not go to miami than take ur help....you have helped me a lot in the near past and i dont know i cant take ur money" and started off !!!!

2 weeks before she was leaving she said "i miscalculated and money is tight yada yada"....now i know how we fought and the stuff she said when i offered help, so i didnt this time around.....and she started again "you dont even offer to help....i said i might not have enough money and you make so much and you dont offer blah blah blah"

well the funny part was i had to convince her to take my money as if i didnt have better use for it !!!

in this scenario of yours, you thought too much....let mom spend time with her kid and all that jazz.....the way i learned is "be casual and do what u feel is right without thinking much"......next time just let her know "am picking him up and might treat him to some nice food".....dont even offer just do it....

now 10% of my paycheck goes in my girls account....yes am still dating that girl !!!

 

^^ whipped! Anil get your shit together! haha

 

No i know thats what i is. Its not even about that to me. She said earlier today, she does'nt want me to feel obligated. I told her if i felt that way, i would'nt be here. One thing i've loved about her, is she never pressured me to do anything. Take it at your own pace. I do want to spend time with him, i love it infact, but yesterday to me, it was a simple as shes picking him up like she does 75% of the time, and that will be that.

 

She's def not like that, she earns a little more than i do, has a masters, but she still a woman.

 

Yeah, we women are a little I'm sure she just had a momentary freak out. I can't imagine how much harder dating insecurities would be with children involved.

Communication is so important, and it sounds like this was definitely a slip on her end of things. Not for not calling and asking you to pick him up, but for not voicing her worries before they got the best of her.

It sounds like you're understanding about it, though, and I'm glad you both seem to be capable of moving forward.

 

I think that your situation was all about miscommunication and expectations. If she needed your help to pick up her son then she should have just asked. If you could have picked him up then you should have just told her that you could.

Also, many people get upset because of expectations. They expect their bf/gf to have ESP and then get upset when their lover didn't do what they wanted them to do. She expected you to offer to pick up Conner and was disappointed when you didn't.

I guess that the best advice that my mother gave to me was to anticipate a woman’s needs, so I try to... but I also learned that I can't get upset if my lover doesn't always do or act the way that I want her to.

Anyway... after my rambling, my advice is to try communicating better. You are both learning to live with each other. I am sure that you both will learn from this.

 

Yeah now it seems that i'm the one whos dwelling on it, she just told me its a not big deal, and she's over it, does'nt want to debate all day, lets just move on. which of course i don't believe. I guess i should just try to anticipate what she wants, i try to all the time, she does the same, but i guess this was just confusion. I just did'nt think i did anything wrong.

 

I smiled all the way through your post. I've been there many, many times.

Put simply, you didn't do anything wrong but that doesn't mean you should ignore this learning opportunity. This is a very fundamental man/woman thing that probably goes on in just about every relationship. You're definitely not alone in this. I've probably done this dozens of times and I consider myself a very conscientious father and husband.

I think both people in a relationship can put unspoken expectations on the other person. I think women do this more than men, but it does go both ways. When those expectations aren't met, resentment starts to build up. Once resentment reaches a point, it blows up (and usually WAY out of proportion to what the actual offense was). What you experienced was exactly that. I think she was filing away "your not asking to help" under the category of "your not helping".

This is a conversation both of you should have. You will be doing your relationship a huge favor if you both sensitize yourself to recognize when resentment is building up and talk about it before it gets to "blow up" time. When people generically talk about couples "communicating", this is a huge example of what that practically means.

So first thing I'd recommend is for both of you to take steps to make sure resentment does not build up on either side. Resentment can build up because of be simple stuff like not putting laundry away or maybe an uneven split in household chores, to bigger things like kids and time together. Unresolved resentment will cause fights later. Guaranteed.

Second is for you as the man - I would highly recommend being more aware of moments like that and offering to help. Sometimes the offer alone is all she needs. I can usually recognize those moments with my wife when she is in the middle of doing lots of things and she mentions one task that sounds like she has it all under control. Those are perfect moments for random, "can I help you" offers. 9 times out of 10 she'll refuse the help, but she'll bank the good feeling that you cared enough to ask. That will payback later.

 

How dare you for being busy doing yard work, and not reading her mind when she said traffic was fine.

It happens man, sounds like she's over it, next time tell her to just ask.

 

Totally your fault. You should be able to read her mind. No even better, you should be able to predict (the day before even) what she will want you to do.

She probably just had an off day.

 

all you guys are saying she will get over it....agreed but what are you supposed to do so that this doesnt happen again....

will she learn from this or should he ???

the reason i ask is, i hate to see my girl mad at me or shed a tear....the minute things dont go right she cries....i dont care if she hangs up or cusses or whatever or some like that.....at that point i dont give a shit.....but the minute she cries thats about it !!!

any ways to get around this ???

 

Damn Tiff needs to chill out. It's not like you were sitting on the couch playing COD Live all afternoon. Obviously, your free time is a premium since you're busy working, YOUR home needs tending to, and if anything she should have inquired whether you were busy before expecting you to jump in the car and pick up HER son.

That's guy sense talking. Take it from me, it's easier to admit you were inconsiderate, promise not to do it again, and live to fight another day. At least that's what I mutter to myself under my breath when my GF tees off on me about my "lapse" in mind reading 101 skillz

 

This is so true, you just have to learn how to pick your battles and suck it up sometimes even when its not your fault.

 

I don't think this had anything to do with him not wanting to spend time with her son.

Every woman pulls this crap with men. They test us and expect us to know what they are thinking. Get used to it.

 

agreed

 

by the look of ur avatar i guess you learned your lesson....

couldnt have said it better myself !!!

 

its not about being whipped....i just love her a lot (emotionally/physically/financially) LOL !!!

 

You're always wrong.. even if you try to rationalize it with her, you'll always be wrong. Tuck your tail between your legs and makeup. Otherwise it'll never last.. and if she starts bringing up shit like this in the future..

 

^^^ Here's how you figure it out. Ask yourself "do I have a penis?" If the answer is yes, then you are wrong.

 

and if she ever thinks you're a real asshole.. point her to this thread:

https://acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=770786

 

Rachel pwns

 

you werent wrong. but youll never be right.

 

I never said he didn't want to, I meant that worrying about it is what seems to have her panties in a bunch. He's made it clear he loves her kid and wants to take on the role of father (kudos). I'm the first to admit women's minds aren't always neat & tidy. We'll work ourselves up over all kinds of stuff - real and imaginary. Once burned (the kids father isn't in the picture - there's some history of burn for her, whatever the circumstances) we'll start looking for reasons to protect ourselves. It doesn't make her right - she's not, but I get where it came from.

It's important for both sides of the relationship to feel safe in voicing concerns while they're still minor. By safe, I mean - don't get defensive when something small is mentioned as a "hey just checking in about xyz, I'm feeling a little unsure about it." My fiance was really good about that with me - when I would flip out about something unreasonable. I wish I could say I never had similar moments of making things up out of thin air, but of course I have. It was always something that built over a few days. He has not only made me feel safe, but begged me to voice small concerns before they get big. Then he can nip my neuroses in the buds before they bloom.

Incidentally, we've learned how to work with, communicate, and trust each other to the point that it's been well over a year since we've had any of those little blips.

 

let her know that you aren't a mind reader and that communication is key.

 

Yes, shes even told me before when we've had stupid little arguements that she starts getting the mind set of protecting her self, which i think is retarded, she knows i love her dearly. She was burned by her ex of 6 years, at the very very end she got knocked up, and she wanted him to have nothing to do with connor and he had already started a family with his " other " girlfreind. What bugs me about that, is when i get a little protective, because i was burned by my ex wife, she kind of starts saying, well i'm not her, yada yada, true, but the same is true for me. She will for a day or two say shes fine, but kind of act a little distant, and its not like i can't tell i live with her, even though i'm at work today 24 hrs, i can tell. Oh well i'm not going to stress this, because she knows damn well that i want to spend time with him and that i was confused. Shes more upset i think, becaue this was all brought on by a shitty text message, and met with a bad attitude so i got defensive and in her words " nasty " when she was just making a point.

 

I can understand your frustration because a lot of women do expect guys to read their minds. I was like that with my first bf and he had to remind me that he's not telepathic. I have learned since then to be direct and explicitly ask for help if I need one.

But if your S.O. has trouble communicating, it never hurts to be more sensitive to her needs and recognize her verbal cues. Try also encouraging her to be more communicative by acknowledging her effort every time she actually does ask for help from you directly.

Good luck!

 

sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues. she has no right to punish you for something her ex did.

 

Everybody has unresolved issues and personality quirks. It's what makes us interesting.