Doc.Booty

1) Back in May my now-girlfriend and I were dating non-exclusively. This was made very clear by both parties - she's actually the one that brought it up.

2) I had casual sex with a female friend of mine in late May.

3) A week or two after said sex act, my girlfriend and I were discussing the last time we did anything sexual. I conveniently left out said sex w/ friend, i figured she wouldn't like it.

4) Long story short I kinda admitted to lying when we got on the subject later, but I didn't tell the whole truth. I lied about when it happened and where.

5) A few days after that she confronted me and said she knew i lied about something. I made her tell me what (and i knew she knew, i didn't do a good job of covering my tracks). She was right so i told her the truth, including everything else i had lied about. I've always made it a point to be open and honest with her and i didn't want to keep lying.

6) She's PISSED and says she does not trust me at all anymore.

7) A month later she's still PISSED.

How do i fix this? This is seriously the only time i've been untruthful to her. But she isn't hearing any of it. We'll be fine for a while and then she'll just blow up on me.

fuckleberry

I think some fancy designer purse(s) or shoes + heavy-duty should fix that

Street Spirit

Apparently not.

How long had you been dating at the time?

If you were both so agreeable to dating others at the time, why did you even feel the need to lie?

doopstr

Turn the tables, the non-exclusively was her idea. She was definitely someone and don't let her tell you otherwise.

cambo

Are you exclusive now? Was this the only thing you lied about?


Just for reference, my girl cheated on me after the 1st month of our relationship being completely drunk when it happened. Its been almost 9 months since and we still bring up the situation. Its HARD for me to trust her, but i'm trusting her more and more everyday. For her, its even HARDER for her to trust me because she thinks i'm eventually going to cheat on her because she did. I haven't given her a reason yet for her not to trust me, except for jokes, but she still thinks its going to happen.

Doc.Booty

No, i really had been and always have been very honest with her. I had a feeling she wouldn't like knowing i had been with another girl even though we'd agreed to be non-exclusive. Ignorance is bliss.

When i had sex with this random girl my now-girlfriend and I had been on 4 or 5 dates, so maybe a month and a half.

Street Spirit

Well, you can't change that you did it, and that she knows. I always think people are easier to accept things when they are told about them in good time and when things are explained honestly. I think part of what hurts a lot of people is that not only did something happen that would hurt them, it's also (and sometimes mostly) the fact that the info was kept from them or told in lies. I suppose all you can do from now on is be an open book, so nothing has to be questioned or imagined (in her mind) cuz it's all out in the open for her to realize on her own.

cambo

This really can only go in 1 of 2 directions.

Direction 1 is she learns to trust you and you two live life together happily

Or

Direction 2 is she will never get over it and will always think you're hiding something even if you're not.

IMO, it really boils down to what she wants to do.

Doc.Booty

We are exclusive now. We had been for about a month when this whole issue exploded in my face.

This is the only thing i have ever lied to her about. I make every attempt to live by the open book philosophy that Street Spirit mentioned for exactly the reasons that he gave.

This is the conclusion i've come to. I need to get her to see that direction 1 is the way to go.

RMATIC09

Sometimes its better to not be 100 percent truthful for the benefit of the relationship. After 4/5 dates i dont think she can really hold it against you. However, if she did what you did, how would you feel?

I mean theres not much you can do except tell her the reason you were not truthful was becuase you cared to much about the relationship, and did not want to lose it.

Let bygones(sp) be bygones, and tell her to give you another chance to prove yourself...and that she wont regre it.

fuzzy02CLS

iTrader: (2)

If you were not exclusive at the time why did you lie when discussing it? She should not have had a probelm with it. If she did you could have worked it out or at least known if she was a trusting person or not. You would have not wasted time on her.
The fact it now comes up is a problem. Woman are spitefull sometimes, She may very well decide to get back at you.

mfkitson

Loss of trust is a very serious matter and it will take a good deal of time for her to come around, if she ever does. Just keep treating her with RESPECT, be honest, upfront and KIND. Do NOT constantly ask her, just go with the flow. If she is the one, she will forgive (THEY NEVER FORGET) Treat her as a lady and act the gentlenman. Don't kiss her butt (figuratively) but make sure she knows how you feel about her and your relationship now.

COMMUNICATE!!!

Erz

Definitely some Gucci shades at least.

Payment for being a liar.

CLPowersWife

Guys, I think we should take this very seriously... ABreece, you really like this girl, don't you? This is the first woman I've ever seen you talk about without referring to her as a bitch or a whore... what does this say to me? It says you care, and if you can find a way to explain that to her without saying, "But I've never called you a whore!!", I think it'll go a long way towards regaining her trust.

Doc.Booty

If she were the type of girl who would forgive and forget because i bought her some designer sunglasses I wouldn't be calling her my girlfriend.

My attitude on this forum is, for the most part, completely unlike my attitude in person. But you're right - i really do care about her.

I have tried to tell and show her how much i care. Really i've done that since i fell for this girl. Sometimes I think she's actively trying to not accept that what I did was an accident and something that will not happen again. I have all my ducks in order in terms of fixing this- I have always been an open book for her, always shown and told her how much she means to me and how much i care about her... Short of breaking down into tears and pleading for her to open her eyes and see how much she means to me, I don't know what to do.

Mike 350Z

I've been in a 2 similar situations, roles reversed though. I was very pissed and hurt when I found out i was lied to in both cases, and it took a while to get over, but not a whole month. Even now I still bring it up every now and again just to bust balls, but it doesn't seriously affect me or the day-to-day relationship. Just prove to her thru actions more than words that you can be trusted.

phipark

It's probably over. Girls have a tough time of forgetting and forgiving. Did you tell her about your gay experience yet or has that not come up?

CLPowersWife

Tough question but... do you know what her feelings are for you?

If she knows how much you care, and she cares as much back, I think she should be able to accept that your omission was not the worst thing you could have done, and get over it.

Crazy Bimmer

Thats the reply i was waiting for.

moeronn

Lister00169

Let it go and find someone else. Once the trust is gone, you can never regain it.

Titand19

you are an idiot, after you lie, never admit to it. Just do some PI on her and make her the guilty party, turn the tables, she's a woman and can be easily manipulated.

RMATIC09

as fucked up as it is.

Doc.Booty

She's not dumb. I refuse to play games with her, and overall that has worked out very well.

arstraub

If you weren't exclusive then, then it should make no difference. The thing she's stuck on is the fact that you had sex with her - you didn't JUST go on a date, you didn't JUST kiss her, you had sex with her. Even if you weren't exclusive, you shouldn't have gone that far, that makes you a bastard and that's why she's pissed. Tell her you know you were in the wrong and that you took it too far and you care about her far too much to let a stupid mistake mess up the life you'd like to spend with her.

FL Leo

Sorry Bud I have to vote to cut her loose. It reminds me of the friends show where Ross and Racheal were on a "break". Anyway she will never forget. A guy I work with kind of did the same thing but was dating 2 girls at the same time. Both girls decided it was ok to see other people. He married one of them and after 2 years they started talkn about the past and guess what he told her about the other girl.... Now 2 years after that she still hangs it over his head, I can't count the number of times he has almost filed for a divorce. You would not believe the way she blows up everytime he gets caught lookn. Guess how many times his phone rings if he is working late or out with the fellas. Ask her if she thinks she is ever going to get over this. Unless she looks you in the eye and says yes, the two of you are just wasting ur time. If she says maybe someday or I dont know... Cut your losses be a man and tell her its best if you guys dont see each other. Otherwise you better mind ur P's and Q's and NEVER get caught doing anything wrong the rest of the time you two are together.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Honestly, you fucked up by lying. But it happens. I understand while she is pissed.

How long have you guys been together? I think a big part of it could be that things are starting to get more serious and you lying about this is causing her to have doubts. In past experience, doubt can leads to anger.

You really need to just tell her, you know you messed up, and then be honest about how you feel about her. Tell her you obviously can't take back what you said 4 months ago, but you can not do it again. And then DON'T do it again.

Good luck.

Street Spirit

People who actually genuinely care about someone, and people who are mature enough to be in a meaningful relationship, would own up to their 'mistakes' instead of putting blame on someone else. Only you are responsible for your actions, and trying to put it on someone else instead of dealing with it is immature. You will never move forward in any relationship or situation unless you are aware of how your actions and feelings affect it. A relationship will only work with honesty, open communication, feelings of mutual respect, etc.

I think your response clearly shows where you are in your life and relationships, compared to where Abreece feels he is in his. However, wth the commentary Abreece has made in the past and with the attitude he portrays here, I somewhat have my doubts with him too.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Question: Abreece, how old is this girl? As you get older, accepting/forgiving someone's past is a lot easier. When I was in grad school and college, it seemed like someone's "past" was a lot more important than when I turned 30.

Doc.Booty

Ending it has definitely crossed my mind. I refuse to take abuse from her that i do not deserve. I stick up for myself when she's being unfair. But I don't cut and run. She does not do, or has not started, that untrusting posessive crap that your buddy is going through. If that starts it will be over.

We started dating in April. We became officially exclusive in mid-July, though neither of us had seen anyone else since mid-May.

That is pretty much the way i have played it, and things have gotten a lot better sinec I started this thread.

I have my doubts about me as well

She's young which explains a lot. She was still in highschool when i started dating her though I didn't know that at the time. She's surprisingly mature (yes i know everyone says that about their girlfriend ).

Technique

Find a new girl...

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Still in high school to me = she is too young = immature. I could be wrong. But as you get older, it seems like someone's past sex life is not as important as long as she didn't gang bang the NY Jets. And it also gets a lot easier for you to fess up what you have done.

I think she was getting serious and she has doubts. If you really like her, be patient. If she feels the same she will come to her sences and realize you messed up, and that's all it was.

Titand19

YOu're right, that's prob why most relationships hit the fan.

"worked" is the key word my friend. Past tense gives you indiication you might need to change the strategy. It's always a game no matter what do you.

So don't get got.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

Doc.Booty

She's a college freshman now. You're right about her getting serious, she might take this relationship more seriously than I do. She has started to come around in the past week or so. Things are much improved, and in more than a "she hasn't yelled at me lately" way.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Give it time. Take her out to dinners, buy her flowers, attention. All of this should help.

slayer202

drop her. random flings in kmart parking lots seem much more fun

PimpCL23

shell forgive you.... itll take a lil while but shell get thru it.. just make sure you make it a point to never leave out or do something like that again. its just a trust issue she having.

Doc.Booty

She flipped out about it again this weekend.

Time to cut her loose?

Street Spirit

Your decision. If it's been bothering her that much, I'm surprised SHE hasn't cut ties yet.