OK...so here's the story...i just need to rant in order to get it off my chest. sorry if everything seems out of order, but please bear with me.

She's been my gf now for almost 2 years now and i really like her alot...in fact, i think im in love with her. (now the reason y i say "i think," is because of all the fights and arguments we have...its almost like every single day.) Despite all the fights, when we are together, everything seems perfect. She is everything i look for in a woman..and more

There are times when we are COMPLETELY on opposite ends of the spectrum. We always fight about issues that have no right or wrongs and can NEVER agree or come to an agreement...Its like pro-life and pro-choice....neither is right or wrong, they are just different beliefs

Now, here's the thing, when we first got together, we were both madly in love with each other. it all began from getting to know each other because we were classmates at a university. From the beginning, she told me she didnt live in the US and was only here for school. After graduation, which was this past month, she would be going back to her country.

During the time of us being together, she would always tell me she would give up everything for me and stay here to be with me...that made me happy and i was like, WOW, she's gonna give up her family to stay here (her family would never approve of us being together). So during this time, she would tell me that shes gonna stay after graduation but there would also be periods of time (often) that she would tell me she has to go back to at least spend some time with her family before she commits over here. We would fight about this all the time because she promised me one thing and was gonna do another.

Finally, i just gave up and thought to myself, whatever...well see...Now, from what she tells me, she loves me...like truly truly loves me...she even believes that i am her soulmate.

So now she's gone and says she'll be back in 2-3 years. Now im thinkin, "great." Talk about LDRs...this is the mother of LDRs

Anyway, now she has some issues and is confused. This is her situation:

-Her parents want her to marry someone in her country (we are of the same ethnicity) so she will be close to her family.

-In addition, they want her to marry into a family that is equivalent to that of the Walton Family over here.

-Her parents want her to marry someone with money and power

-They raised her to be a housewife and dont want her to work worry about money issues and stuff...(which boggles my mind because they sent her to a university to get a business degree..why would you do that?)

-Her parents want her marriage to be the union of both families...

-Right now, her older sister is about to wed a man who is basically the Bill Gates of taiwan...billionares and her parents want her to marry someone who is equivalent to that status or else they think the 2 sisters will fight because of unequal status. Because she sees her family is happy about her sister and the other family, she wants that for herself too...im like, if u marry me, that aint gonna happen cuz ur parents will never accept me....Which is kinda fucked up too, i think

So im like, i see...that's wot your parents want for you, but IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF?

she tells me she wants everything...she loves me and wants to marry me but now she doesnt know if she can live with the fact that if she comes here, she has to give up everything to be with me....Now im not dirt poor, and i know i can provide well for my family...but im not Sam Walton..She says she can accept that...but shes confused about whether or not she can give up her family.

Now the way marriage works in their culture is that they have "matchmakers" and social events where families get together and the matchmaker tries to pair you up with someone of equal social/financial status...its ridiculous, i know...but anyhow, thats what her dad is planning on doing for her....and im stuck here waiting.

i told her to be fair to me and just tell me if she wont come back...she says she wont give up, but i dont believe her...i dont think she is strong enough to defy her parents wishes. Her parents are teachinf her to marry for money...i think having money is good...but u should first marry for love...money should just be one of the perks.

I mean, i really care for her and i dont know what to do...its painful...i begin to wonder if she really does love me....she tells me its true love...but my version of true love is differen...........any advice?

(im being serious here so for those of u who just want to clown me, please move on to the next thread...thanks for reading)

 

Umm WOW.. that's a lot. I think you first need to take time to yourself and consider if this chick is really worth it all. Fighting a lot over stupid stuff isn't going to get any better once you're married.

Honestly I don't think its worth it. I've dated non-citizens before and I'm cool off of it. I can't handle dealing with a family whose customs are too different than my own to the point that they can't accept me.

Also I think you yourself are having doubts or you wouldn't have come to this forum for help. My

 

And some folks say there is no class system in this country! lol

Damned if you do, damned if you don't in this case- someone is going to lose.

I also find it funny they want her to find someone from her "country"(after all her parents own it) yet they send her to the USA(land of the free and home of the brave) for an education, do they not realize what type of impression that can have on a young person???

Love knows nothing of rank or riverbank!

 

Whoa dude...Thats too much shit to deal with, cut your losses.

 

IMO, assuming that you truly love her and want to marry her. I would continue to convince her and give her the pros & cons, but let her act on her own actions. If you pressure her, and she doesn't come to realize it for herself, she may regret it later. She does have her family at risk, so you don't want that kind of drama to fall back on you. If she then chooses to leave & be with you, atleast that can signify to her family that she wants to be with you and no one else. Hopefully, that will make them approve of you. If not, just get married and if they love her I'm sure they will have to accept you.

It's kinda tricky with the distance & custom situation. I hope it works out for you. If it doesn't, it's probably not meant to be. Goodluck!

 

My boyfriend is Taiwanese. Thank god his parents are so open minded. I feel your stress and hope things can go well your way

 

See the dilemma is:

its painful just sittin here waitin...so, if i say lets not do the LDR thing, i know shes the type that will be sad, but at the same time, not come back and chase after me...she will just go on those matchmaking dates with whoever her parents set her up with...and just forget about "us".....that's not what i want, u know....So i sit here and suffer, or i cut my losses and suffer...etherway its not win win...does that make sense?

 

yea... I think I get you. Why don't you just wait it out a little while and see what happens. Continue your life talking to her and meeting new people. That way, you will still have other options open to you. You did say that she's not the type to come back and chase after you. You're bound to meet someone else. I know right now, all you want is her... love hurts bro.

 

I feel your pain... I think she is exercising her "Passive Aggressive" behavior on you. She might want to end the relationship, but don't know how to do it without hurting your feelings. She does not want to be the bad guy, and waiting for you to be the bad guy by breaking up the relationship. It is easier for her to blame it on her family and tradition, etc. She said she is confused and don't know what to do. She knows what she wants but too chicken to tell you.

I went thru this with my first love, and it was not fun. She would call me up crying because she does not know what to do. I was not ready to call it quit. She gets even more confused and would change her mind almost everyday. Telling how much her family is pressuring her to forget me and want her to see someone else. Finally, I had to be the man and ended it. She thanked me for it and went on with her life.

I'm now married to the love of my life and we got two great kids, and I thank my lucky stars everyday for not ending up with a woman not strong enough to make a decision on her own, let alone take care of my kids. She sounds like a perfect housewife to some rich guy. Demure and impressionable. She'll be spoiled and pampered by the rich family. She will have a good life. Don't kid yourself into thinking that she won't be happy with all that money and luxury. Believe me, she'll learn to like it real quick. Don't try being a hero and rescue her from her situation. When she was in the US she was empowered to go outside her traditional boundaries and be a rebel with you. Now she's home with her rigid family, more than likely she is more comfortable with that kind of environment because she was raised that way.

As an aside... Some question why the family would send a girl to the US for a business degree, and now want her to be a house wife to some rich guy. They send their girls to school to get the degrees as a status symbol more than to use it on her carreer. The better the degree the better chance she will marry to a more prominent family. For those rich guys, that's what a trophy wife is all about... How do I know this? Let's just say trust me. I know.

 

I don't think it's worth it. You argue a lot and she'll go away for 2-3 years? That's BS. You know that after a year she'll probably forget about you and you'll end up being screwed because you waited for her.

I say let it go and find someone who you can be with here. Let's say nothing works out for you and in 2-3 years she does come back, you can always get back together. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

You probably just got out of college, so go out and enjoy your life a little, meet new girls. I'm sure there's more chicks out there.

 

Get out now. Drama this early on means a lifetime of drama. :gtfo:

 

I don't think it will work out dude. It's just too far and too long of a time apart. The family thing is a big deal. You have to decide if you love her enough to marry her and not have her think about how she went against her family's wishes. It's a lot to deal with. IMO, get out now, unless she decides she is moving back here soon.

 

Yea, i think u fellas are right....i just talked to her last night...or actually around 5am this moring (time difference) and she told me she would have to stay there for at least 3 years because her father set her up with this job in some type of political office so she has to commit to it...blah blah blah...and im just f***ed. relationships suck

 

im sure she loves you alot and would do anything just to be with you. but the fact that she has to choose between family and love is one tough decision. if you love her, fight for it, cuz im sure shes doing the same. but if it doesnt work out, just be glad and grateful that it happened and that it once brought happiness to your life.

 

amen to that.

my :twocents: on one hand you say think you love her (after two years you don't know?) It just sounds messy.
Plus, it sounds like you are indian? are you? bollywood movie playing out here.

 

just keep an open relationship till she comes back

 

dude man, I was in the exact same boat... I am still here in NYC, she is now in Taiwan. Well, we broke it off, but been keeping a really good and close friendship. Her ring of friends are celebrities, singers, actors, news anchors, and rich housewives in Taiwan. My ring of of friends are IT geeks, investment bankers, white/blue collar working class people in NYC. There isn't anything wrong with either side or "class". I don't call it classification because it is ok with me, I think it is just people's background. The most important thing in a lasting relatinship besides love is common thoughts and goals.

My suggestion, understand each other's situation thoroughly first, and then let her go... If you really love her, then you should let her live the life she really wants and deserves, let her have all the things that you are not able to provide now, or later (of coure, the materialistic things, I am assuming you love each other deeply). Love itself is not enough. Learn to be able to let go.

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through , well If she is gone there is not much you can do but wait and see how real is the lover you know . BEst of luck to you

 

honestly, you dont need a girl with parents like that. being chinese, i understand the mentality of the parents BUT i have always been taught thru my mother that you need a girl that can work hard and be independent of you. If you have a girl who's parents instill being a housewife (basically lazy IMHO), then please, move on. The in-laws will only cause trouble if you cant give financial security to their daughter. I say the hell with that, go find someone who is self-supporting and can contribute to the marriage, instead of just leeching off of it. i hate that FOB mentality of being a housewife. my mother was from HK and has worked her ass off. my parents are financially secure and yet, she still works. having a woman who works also implies that she is a strong woman and doesnt need a man to survive. i, myself, find this quality very stimulating and attractive.

just my opinion...

 

I feel you man. I'm kinda in the same situation, but my gf is not of the same ethnicity (I'm Chinese, she's Tibetan) AND her parent's don't even know about us because they would probably blow a fuse (they actually may know, but refuse to acknowledge it and just act like they have no clue), while my parents love her. Ah well, no one said that loving someone was supposed to be easy

 

Tough titties. Fight for it ONLY if she wants it also with all of her heart. But from what you've said, it looks like she's sitting on the fence about you. And her family is against you so you've got too much going against you. If, at least, it were you two against her family, that'd be one thing but looks like your girl is too tied to her family to give them up and if for some reason you two get married, her family will be riding her so hard and making her hate you, it's bound for disaster. Sounds like she comes from a materialistic family. It's hard to overcome that upbringing.

You sound Chinese / Taiwanese from your post. You understand the Tao of things. You are swimming upstream against a strong river. It's a lot easier when you are going downstream in a big boat with a 6 pack of beer down the river of life. (Meaning: find a girl who is a better mutual fit and shares common beliefs).

 

clive note pleeeeease

 

Don't worry, you'll finally propose to Carrie in the finale.

 

Since this thread is 2 months old now I bet he has moved on to bigger and better issues