So I've been seeing this girl for a month or so now and a few things have been keeping me somewhat at bay. She is a couple of years older than me, a professional, has her own place in a great part of town, and we click pretty well.

Thing is though is that she had a short thing with one of my friends a couple of years ago and has an 8 year old son by someone else whom she no longer has contact with. She is raising the kid on her own. And yes, we are taking things quite slow.

She is responsible and fun to be around, just wondering how much baggage you guys think is too much.

Thanks!

 

if it can't fit in the overhead compartment, it is too much baggage.

try and look at the big picture and ask yourself if these things REALLY bother you or if you can look past it. everyone has baggage, some girls just lug around more than others.

trust your gut.

 

Kids are a major PITA. My arm is hurting just thinking about this.

 

Get out some scratch paper, pluses and minuses columns and assign a point value. The bonus points for being a professional, when you expect other girls you meet won't be, might make up for the kid. But the funny thing is that once you lay it out on paper and come to the "mathematical" conclusion, you'll probably suddenly come to the realization of what you really wanted to do all along. Kind of like when you flip a coin to decide something, and then decide to do exactly the opposite of what the coin told you to!

 

^ don't you have some love blog parasitius? Maybe just refer him to that. Love shack or something lol.

 

Yea, I guess I'm just not really sure what my gut is telling me and what I really want to do with the situation. I feel like I can look past it but then again I'm not sure if I can.

Lol, her son is a great kid. She is definitely raising him right.

I've done this before and know exactly what you mean! I may get out some scratch paper one day and do this. Just looking for opinions/experiences from others for now. Just general advice I guess.

 

Lol. that wasn't really mine, just some guy with a similar alias

For me, if there is anything I'm second guessing they pretty much automatically go from the "possibly progressing to serious" category to the "for fun only, terminate when it's more trouble than it's worth"... it's a heartless, cruel world, but as a male you've got to take advantage of the benefits of being male. (The way I see it: girls get to be young and in super high demand age 20-25, their advantage, while guys rarely get to be in high demand but instead get to be "viable" from age 20-40+)

 

I used to be a firm believer in this and I am probably going to steer into the for fun only because I can't see myself having a huge part in the life of someone's child like that. I guess I'll just keep playing things slow until/if she ever wants to have that talk, then I'll decide what to do.

 

Me personally, I won't play daddy to someone else's kid, but if you like the kid and she's raising him right, I don't see how that should be an issue. The issue is if she has baby daddy drama which it doesn't sound like she has, but until the kid is 18 there's the possibility that the father could come back around into the kids life at some point. The big questions, is how much emotional baggage does she have from that part of her life, and does it affect her deeply. If she's a strong person and is independent and is doing her own thing, it could definitely be fine for you. The question is, what lies underneath... That's what you have to determine is how emotionally stable is she.

 

 

As far as I can tell she is pretty stable emotionally. She seems to be strong and independent but then again I've only been seeing her for about a month or so. I haven't talked to her much about the father because I don't think it's my place but maybe I should bring it up..

 

^tread lightly.

it could bring up bad memories and stir up a conversation you might not want to have so early on.

 

i dont think she has too much baggage from the way you describe it. however, you must be honest with yourself..........is this something you can truly handle? can you overlook her past and accept her for her now? trust me my friend I was in the same boat you are in for 5 years and i wish i took my time to understand and truly see what she offer me. the only difference is her mother control her like a pupput..........but anyway just be true to yourself and her. oh and for now dont mention about the baby daddy unless things get serious.

 

Yea I guess I'll leave that out until she brings it up or if things ever do get a chance to get serious. Thanks for the advice.

 

Normally if I was 27 I would pass at that. But a good job and her own place are really good pluses. She could take care of you

 

Would definitely be easier with the Dad out of the picture. I had a friend leave a girl that he really liked because her 4 year old kid was such a little terrorist. This kid is 8 though and you say he's good, so that can't be too bad compared to other possible scenarios.

 

Does she receive child support??

 

I think if you are immediately or automatically seeing her past as "baggage" instead of being excited about her and having her prior life be a secondary thought, her past is probably something that you will not come to fully accept.

I would probably lean towards making a decision now or fairly soon about what you expect from the relationship or if you even want to pursue it, instead of waiting for her to bring it up. She seems goal oriented, is driven to succeed (career-wise and with raising a child), and has a young child involved. That combo does not sound like someone who wants to be involved with someone who is in it for fun --- especially when it can directly and indirectly involve her young son. If you're questioning things now, at the very beginning - typically the easiest part of any relationship - you have to wonder how you'll handle things when she and her son become even more involved, genuine, and complicated.

 

And there are lots of single parents out there for a huge variety of reasons --- why is that 'baggage'? Are they not allowed to live normal, happy, healthy lives after having a child and not having the other parent involved?
Would your life before meeting her be considered baggage?
Everyone has lived through good and bad prior to meeting. It doesn't need to be negative.

 

One word of advice, rely on your emotions and feelings and not on society's expectations. Baggage, shmaggage.

If you two click, and you can see a beautiful life together, then it's not baggage but a gift.
If you feel 100% uncomfortable even with entertaining an idea of 'adopting' a kid, then this is not for you.

Watch the movie Step Brothers

 

 

From experience, that's nowhere near a lot of baggage.

 

its only been a month, but for me, the kid is a deal breaker unless she makes up for it in a lot of other ways.

personally i would like to have kids of my own. i know a lot of single moms who dont want to have kids anymore with their SO's, so thats a deal breaker for me. plus if the kid is a little punk, im just not going to deal with that shit.

she sounds like she's worth a second thought at least. but I'd make no promises with her unless you see her in seriously stressful situations, including those that concern her child, before you make a firm decision.

 

Baggage? One kid? If you break up with her pm me her #

 

I think for one month, you are looking at this way too seriously. Have fun, tread lightly. As you guys get more serious, you can talk about the "baggage".

 

Obviously a question that will only have to be asked if you want this to be really serious into the future:


"Am I ready to be a Dad? This kid's Dad?"


Yes technically a step-dad, but you get the point. Are you prepared for that in the near future (next few years)? Just something to think about.

 

I could deal with one kid as long as I don't play second fiddle. You need to find out where and how you fit in if things start getting serious.

 

Easy: Any parent, single parent will tell you that his/her child will ALWAYS come first. Tread lightly around that subject. Defensive, protective Mama will really start to wonder why you would even question where her child fits on the priority list compared to you. A partner/husband/gf/bf can be very high on that list - even a very close second, but any parent will always put his/her child first --- especially if you are not the biological parent and/or if you are coming into their lives much later on in the picture. It's a different kind of relationship, so it's not like you can't have a great partner relationship and a great relationship with your child....but don't question where you will fit in that pecking order.

 

Oh I know that her child will always comes first. No question about that. I guess I'm just looking to far into things to early, but that's the pensive type of person I am. I'm just going to continue to enjoy our time together and cross that bridge when/if we get to it. Any yea everyone has baggage, this is just the first time I'm talking to a woman with a kid so I'm a little concerned, if that's even the word.

 

Huge Red Flag......too much baggage is an understatement.

Look somewhere else.
There are plenty of women with less baggage.

 

I don't understand why so many of you see a child as "baggage" or a red flag. It's her family, not that she is a convicted felon. What if she had a failed marriage because she wasn't with the right person? Or what if the father was killed? What if he died of cancer? What if he's a great father and wants the best for his ex and his boy? There are so many variables. There are plenty of really great things and positive things that can come of ANY relationship, as long as you find the right person.

If you want to discount anyone with a child because you just don't want to become a parent, I can respect that -- but I don't think it needs to be cast as a negative or baggage or that she's some psycho or loose tr@mp. She sounds like a great mother with a good moral compass (regardless of whatever "past" she had) -- and that is admirable about anyone - single mom or mom in a committed relationship.

 

Who said all single moms are psycho?

Here's the point: Most young men are not anywhere near ready to become "instant" fathers to someone else's kid. Most young men are barely capable of handling the seriousness of a marriage. The first few years of marriage can be difficult.....add a kid into the mix (who will always be #1 in the mother's eyes and not the new husband).....and you have a very difficult situation for most young men to handle.

Not to mention it gets even more difficult if the child's father is still around.

It takes a very unique young man to be able to deal with and handle a relationship in a mature way, with a woman who has a child.
This kind of a young man is a "diamond in the rough"....a rare exception.

The fact that the OP is even questioning the situation and "baggage"...IMHO it means he is not "this guy", and he should not get into this kind of a relationship.

 

To your original post, I don't think this is a question anyone can answer for someone else. We all have our own thresholds for what "too much baggage" is. I think there are a couple things to say in a generic sense.

1) Baggage is unavoidable as you get older. Life just gives it to you. People in their late 20's / early 30's are going to have stuff to deal with. More so as they get past that.
2) So based on that, I don't think the question is about "how much" baggage, but "what kind" of baggage. Everyone is going to have some, so what you need to figure out is what are the deal-killing ones versus the ones you'll be OK with.

I think you are getting at your own answer here. But if children are a deal-killer for you, then I think you owe it to her to break it off unless she's just there for "the fun" too. If she's not, it's unfair to her and her child to just drift along in a relationship that will never wind up at a place that she's hoping for. If she's really looking for a future husband and father for her child, you are preventing her from doing that if you are not open to either of those. You should step aside so she can move on. You shouldn't mess around when kids are involved.

 

Totally agree with this, but I don't think that means a guy (or the OP) should automatically disqualify her and run. But it does, as you point out, require some skills and maturity that not all young people possess.

 

I know a very nice single mom that has 2 kids. Is very active in their lives & is down to earth.
We are friends, & yeah I banged her a few times, but that's where it ends.

 

I haven't read anything that is too much "baggage."

Short thing with a friend years ago - past history. Don't even worry about it.

The kid - she is not asking you to be a father. She raised him for 8 years. If anything to me that shows responsibility and maturity. I rather that in a woman than all the drama.

If you are opposed to having kids then I would walk away. If you are not, then take it slow. Just keep reminding yourself that she is dating you, and the kid is part of the deal so you have to be OK with it.

I've only dated one person with a kid. I was 23 and was not ready to deal with a child. I told her that and we moved on.

 

Is an 8 year old kid baggage?

I suppose he/she could be, like anything else, it depends tremendously upon the circumstances. If your girlfriend has HER life together then I'd imagine it wouldn't be too much at all.

When you have two people putting 110% into a relationship and don't allow their personal drama to run their lives, you can overcome many obstacles.

 

Thanks for the advice guys. I spent some time with her last night and decided to myself that I really click with her and I'm going to just continue to take things slow. The term baggage probably wasn't the best word, everyone has baggage. And it's not always a bad thing.

 

is it too early to ask for pics??

but seriously, take it slow. she's not forcing the issue, so you shouldn't either. although i would watch out for how you and the kid's relationship ends up being. if things do end up not going where u want it to, the kid may take it pretty hard too...so you're basically ending 2 relationships. just food for thought. i think someone mentioned it earlier but i figure i'd reiterate.

 

http://gsntv.com/shows/baggage/ love this show. watch it and see that a lot of people have more on their plate than she does.