I've been dating my GF now for about 4 months. I know 4 months isn't nearly enough time to know if someone is right for you, but the concept of how a person would know if they are right or not had crossed my mind.

There are people who've dated 2 months, got married, and ended up making a relatively happy life out of it. There are people who've dated for years, got married, and ended up going through the big D soon after.

What is it that makes the successful couples what they are? How did these people know that the other was the right one for them? I know there's no "one size fits all" answer for this...

 

There are examples on both sides of the fence of course, but IMO you have to play the probabilities. Most "date for a few month and get married" situations end badly down the road. Not all but most. Well, alot more than those who date for a longer period of time anyways.

Its pretty logical - the more time you have to get to know someone , the more you will find out about them and the easier it will be to know if you can make it in the long run. That doesnt mean thath dating for a long time is a guarentee, but it allows you to go through the hills and valleys of life and see how you can manage. I.E. It can only increases the chances of success. I think age has alot to do with it as well, because between teenage years to about 23, 24, there is alot of maturing going on so the person you date at 19 (or the person YOU are at 19) may not be the same person a few years later.

But if you are looking for numbers ... I've been in relationships that were unbeleivably good for the first year , and then completely fell apart after that. So for me, I'd say 2 years is a good minimum. YMMV.

 

https://acurazine.com/forums/showthr...6&page=2&pp=25
post #46

You find a girl who's attractive, you go after her. You didn't get rejected and she agrees to go out on a date. You two hit it off after the first date and she becomes your girlfriend. As days/months goes by, you realize she makes you happy, you love her so you tell her that, she says the same back. Now you two are in love.

You go through life, you hit obsticales. You find that everytime you're depressed or hit a road block in life, she's there for you. She comforts you and she makes you happy and calmer even though you're still stressed out from the situation. You realized she's your sunshine when the skies are grey. You find that you are a better person when you are around her and you can't see yourself without her in your life. You find that when you are depressed and seems like there is no one to turn to, she's your only help and hope. When she comforts you, it touches your soul and you realized she's the one. You then realized she's a better person than you are, in return, she makes you a better person. You realized she's your soulmate.... and no mater what time of the day, or what she wears, she's always beautiful. You love her as a whole and you find youself willing to do anything just to make her happy too.

I've dated alot of women in my life, but no one makes me feel that I can't live without them until 4 years after I met my lady. It takes awhile, but when you realize it, you'll know.

 

Formula:


51.3 / ((Your Age + Her Age + 11) / 2) = Years you should wait before getting married

 

That works out to 1.3 years for me and her. Interesting formula.

 

 

When you don't have to ask yourself if she's the one, and you just know, then she's the one. Just my

 

IMO, the couples who last in the long-run VS. couples who marry and end up in divorce are the ones who are willing and WANT to put in the effort to make things work when things are tough, and are those who did their 'homework' before choosing a the person they married. Couples who divorce aren't always lacking these characteristics, as there are always unforeseen situations that can occur in someone's life (an accident, an ill-child, a troubled child, addictions, etc) that can strain a marriage.

How do you know (s)he's the one? IMO, these are some things:

* You want to learn more about who they are as people, not just things they like or don't like to do. You look beyond the superficial and more at things like lifestyle, values, morals, what's important to them, short and long-term goals, and you actually CARE about these things.

* You want to learn more about the important people in his/her life (eg: family, close friends) and be a part of it.

* You realize they are an individual and don't try to crowd them or prevent them from doing things that they enjoy now or that they enjoyed before you met them (eg: hobbies you don't like, going places you aren't interested in going, seeing other friends). Rather, you SUPPORT these things as they are part of what makes the other person happy, and you want them to be happy.

* You feel comfortable being yourself (lose the typical 'first-six-months-of-dating' mask).

* You can look to the other person for true, honest, and loving support, and they are someone you feel comfortable confiding in and trusting (not needing to always go to your friends for difficult/personal subjects, but realizing that your partner truly is one of your best friends).

* You dream about a future with them, and can see yourself growing old together.

* You work well as a team and can get through the good AND the bad. You WANT to work through difficult times and don't immediately jump to "I want to break up!" because you realize you wouldn't want to be with anyone else. You have way more good times together than you do bad.

* You want to spend lots and lots of time together, even if it's just doing nothing. You miss them, and smile just thinking about them when you're not together.

* You're the happiest you've ever been.

* They're the first person you think of calling when you have news to share.

And the most ambiguous and important one of them all:

* YOU JUST KNOW!! It just feels different than any other feelings you've had with a previous partner!!

 

Quick story about crazy people that get married....

My friend's dad was reading the News Paper about 35 years ago and the head lines was something like...."Local girl marries guy that Jump Ship." As he read down, the woman turned out to be his sister. She married an Italian sailor that jumped ship. They are still married today.

 

i'd definitley agree with everything you said here...

 

^^^^ I dont

you just know? I dont think so. shit you may think you know, then a few years later you're wanting to freakin put a pillow over her face just to shut her up...

just be yourself and take your time. if after a while it seems easy and you're not having to make such an effort then you should be alright.

dont believe in that fairy tail bullshit. Even the happiest couples have to work at it...

 

I agree with you completely. I wasn't implying anything was a fairytale. Hence my comments about doing your homework before getting married, learning about who the other person really is, looking beyond the superficial, getting through the good and the bad, wanting to work through tough times together, etc. Everyone's life has ups and downs, and you can learn a lot about each other (and about yourselves as a couple) when you experience a broad spectrum of events together. I think it's very telling when people immediately run off to someone else when times get tough. When you see a future together, there isn't any more looking for that 'perfect someone' -- you've found her, and you deal with whatever life throws at you....together.

However, what really distinguishes a relationship you've had with 12 other women before you met your wife and the relationship that ended up being "the one"? --- You feel it inside and can rely on the experiences you've shared together as proof that your feelings aren't too far off! I mean, why not propose to every woman you've ever gone out with?! Cuz it just didn't feel right. You didn't want to make sacrifices for anyone else, you didn't feel as excited about future life possibilities with someone else, you didn't fully respect each other for who they were, etc. etc. I bet part of what made you realize you wanted to marry her was that you couldn't imagine your life without her, and that you accepted her for who she was and what you are together. It just felt "right."

Just my thoughts and generalities.

 

Well with my wife that wasnt entirely the case. We were best friends in high school. She was one of the hottest chicks in class and i was the drug dealing loser. I was always just really good friends with her, and to bring another thread in this, yes I was her friend but I always thought about having sex with her......all the time, but I knew that was never going to happen.

She found me on classmates.com about five years ago just before I moved back to Texas, so it seemed to work out great in the end. We got along just like we did back then. A little bit older and wiser I guess. I realized early on that we were going to be together for a long time. So did I feel right? I guess you could say it did.

I made my comment because I think at this point marrage is somewhat overated. My wife and I have both been married once. So we both thought at one point that it just felt right with someone else. Im just saying dont fool yourself into thinking that you found Mr or Mrs right. Just be yourself and go with what you feel.

 

Plus you just being recently engaged I can see how you are still on that high.

We'll talk again in a few years

 

When the girlfriend insists to get married, it's time....

 

I totally agree... you shouldn't fool yourself into anything, that's when it will come back to bite you in the ass... but if you feel that she's the one, and only the person who feels it can answer that question honestly, then she might be.

The big difference is that just like with anything that's good in life, it takes hard work to be successful at a relationship... from both parties. Just like you said that when you were in your previous relationship you thought they were the one, and i'm pretty sure that you geniuinely believed that at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 and maybe now you realized things about that situation that you hadn't before, however at the time unless you were fooling yourself into thinking that she was mrs. right, your feelings were probably justified. I think that it's a bit of using your judgement to the best of your abilities and then a lot of taking a risk sorta...

all you can do is go with what you feel and try to use your brain enough to make sure you don't get totally carried away with the feelings side of things... altho many times that's easier said than done...

 

I'm with street spirit - you do "just know", and the time you spend with the "right one" feels good, the differences of opinion get resolved in an adult way, and you find yourself sharing more and more of a life together. Doesn't mean the marital state is easy, or some freaking fairy tale..... but it does mean that there is a fundamental, almost inarticulate conneciton that serves as a foundation for sharing a life.

 

wow, that was very profound ric.

but Im hear to tell you that in this day and age it almost doesnt happen anymore.

I dont care how much you think "you just know"..... its not a guarantee...

 

but nothing in life is a guarantee... save for death and taxes

 

thats my point. You can say "you know" all you want.

 

Of course it's not a guarantee! There is no guarantee that a marriage will last a lifetime. Lots of factors come into play. But going into it knowing and feeling you're marrying the right person is the only way you can really look at it -- it feels good and exciting. I mean, there's no sense in marrying someone you're unsure of and hope that one night the person magically becomes "the one"!

 

So it doesnt matter how much "homework" you do then.



well no shit, but its not like you're going to meet someone (you think) you're sure about and have this revelation that they're the one either....


Look SS, the question is "How do you know when you've found the right one" You seem to think you will know after they apply that entire list you made to that person. Im saying you wont, no matter how hard you think about it. Its something in my opinion that you shouldnt even be wasting time worrying about. Lets just drop it. This entire debate is boring the hell out of me..

 

It's an online forum....I often come here and debate cuz it causes discussion and can make things interesting. Don't take it too personally.

 

So because its an online forum we shouldnt take you seriously? Wait a second, arent you marrying someone you met on this forum?.......online? lol whatever

interesting is the key word here, which is why I feel that our debate has run its course and has become boring.

dont worry, when it comes to D&R I am far from an expert....

 

Umm, probably not, no, as 99.9% of you are people I've never met in person, and never will. Nor are my feelings the same for people here as they are for people in my real life...as I'm sure that is true for everyone here. Do you take everyone seriously here?

 

No one is an expert on anything here except their own lives. Everyone's priorities and opinions are different. There is no works-for-everyone answer to anything.

 

My wife just told me I shouldnt argue with women about relationships LOL....

 

 

SS and Ethan: I think both of you have some excellent points in this little debate. Ah.. TO LOVE or NOT TO LOVE
However, as for the question to "How do you know when you've found the right one?" Well, it really depends on what you're actually looking for. Some marry for money, some marry for lust, some marry because their parents want them to, and some marry because the timing's right. I'm sure there are those who marry for love, but what is love. It just really depends on what you are looking for in a relationship or even marriage.

 

Very true!!

In fact, I'm only marrying Dan for his knowledge of cameras and the stash of money he has hidden under the mattress!

 

 

I wasn't kidding.