How Do You Know When She’s the One?
#1
How Do You Know When She’s the One?
For the guys/gals who are currently married or engaged. Do you guys agree with the points made in this article?
When we wrote 14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage, several people rightly pointed out that the best way to obtain a happy and faithful marriage is to marry the right person. But how do you know when you’ve found the right woman to settle down with?
When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.
They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.
The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:
1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, including my own, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. My wife and I never had a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during our courtship. Everything about our relationship felt like the most natural thing in the world. We never broke up and got back together. Or even considered doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.
2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it-your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.
3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.
4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.
5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Throughout the entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before my wedding, I never had a single second thought about my impending nuptials. The only thing I felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.
At my wedding my father-in-law said, “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.
When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.
They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.
The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:
1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, including my own, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. My wife and I never had a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during our courtship. Everything about our relationship felt like the most natural thing in the world. We never broke up and got back together. Or even considered doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.
2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it-your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.
3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.
4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.
5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Throughout the entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before my wedding, I never had a single second thought about my impending nuptials. The only thing I felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.
At my wedding my father-in-law said, “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.
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KaMLuNg (01-12-2013)
#2
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I would say, whenever she makes you a sandwich without you asking
#3
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didn't read the article, but you'll know shes the one when you can put up with her for an extended period of time without getting bored, annoyed, or infuriated.
also if she lets you put it in the butt shes probably a keeper.
also if she lets you put it in the butt shes probably a keeper.
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KieranM37 (03-12-2013)
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#5
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slut/keeper...same thing different words.
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#9
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#11
Not so sure about #2. I think we've all heard of those judgemental mothers who want seemingly absolute perfection for her son. In those cases it's not the prospective spouse, it really is the family member being stubborn and obnoxious. Therefore not a good judge of whether or not she is "the one"
#12
Go Giants
Stay away from mine.
#13
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Mr. Maker (02-11-2013)
#14
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You've obviously never been cheated on...
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#16
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A slut will always be a slut, and a cheater will always be a cheater...
#19
Oliver!!!
#20
Team Owner
iTrader: (4)
I think the one is a girl that can be a lover, fighter, slut, mother and friend all rolled up in one. There needs to be balance. If she becomes one over the others then it will be tough to make it last.
Last thing you want it to try to bang someone that just wants to be friends or someone that it banging the rest of the neighbors.
Last thing you want it to try to bang someone that just wants to be friends or someone that it banging the rest of the neighbors.
#22
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
We just hit 22 years married last year - I'd absolutely agree with all the points in the article. I don't know that I'd give up on someone if they had trouble with one of the points, but I think those trouble spots are worth calling out.
1. Smooth relationship - completely agree. Meeting my wife was exactly like that. And let me tell you, if you are going to be around the same person year after year like that, having it be natural is a huge plus. However, I would not go so far as to define "smooth" as conflict free. Anyone who is married is going to piss the other one off at some point. So the point isn't an absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with conflict in a mature manner when it comes up.
2. Gets along with family - absolutely. Now this is one of those that people will say can be worked around, but you are signing up for a lifetime of conflict when you do. If your wife does not get along with friends or family, you wind up living two lives.
3. Nothing major to change - absolutely. This is huge, because any relationship you are in where you fall in love with the idea of who someone could be, and not who they are, you are doomed.
4. Best friend - check. Because you will spend a LOT of time with her. If I count when I met my wife, I've lived more of my life with her than without.
5. Thought of marriage doesn't scare you - I'd reverse this one. The thought of NOT marrying her makes you miserable. That was the moment for me, when I just could not imagine a future without her in it.
For me I'd add #6 - that you both have the ability to give and take. Sometimes you put her needs ahead of yours, and other times she puts yours ahead of hers. Basically you treat eachother unselfishly.
1. Smooth relationship - completely agree. Meeting my wife was exactly like that. And let me tell you, if you are going to be around the same person year after year like that, having it be natural is a huge plus. However, I would not go so far as to define "smooth" as conflict free. Anyone who is married is going to piss the other one off at some point. So the point isn't an absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with conflict in a mature manner when it comes up.
2. Gets along with family - absolutely. Now this is one of those that people will say can be worked around, but you are signing up for a lifetime of conflict when you do. If your wife does not get along with friends or family, you wind up living two lives.
3. Nothing major to change - absolutely. This is huge, because any relationship you are in where you fall in love with the idea of who someone could be, and not who they are, you are doomed.
4. Best friend - check. Because you will spend a LOT of time with her. If I count when I met my wife, I've lived more of my life with her than without.
5. Thought of marriage doesn't scare you - I'd reverse this one. The thought of NOT marrying her makes you miserable. That was the moment for me, when I just could not imagine a future without her in it.
For me I'd add #6 - that you both have the ability to give and take. Sometimes you put her needs ahead of yours, and other times she puts yours ahead of hers. Basically you treat eachother unselfishly.
Last edited by 1Louder; 01-14-2013 at 07:34 PM.
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#23
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Actually, I'd argue this is where people make mistakes. Girlfriends can seem "right" for many different reasons in the moment. Maybe she's wreckless in a time when you need adventure. Maybe she's filled with drama in a time when you need the added excitement. Maybe she's dull when you're life is out of control. But having someone who seems to fit the moment is different than someone who could be a life partner. If you are lookng for a wife, these things are good to think through.
#24
Moderator
I feel like that article just states the obvious.
Kinda like: How do you know if you ate a good steak? It's juicy. You crave for it afterwards. It has a unique soft texture that you hardly experience. It smells delicious. etc etc.
But does everyone like the same kind of steak? Not really. Just like not everyone sees love the same. You can't write a book on how to love. I mean you can, but it will just be a book on obvious things.
I'm definitely not trying to be cynical on love. I'm also married and I love my wife dearly. It's just I can't imagine telling my daughter how to love someone and how to find the right guy. Because ultimately I'll just be telling her how to find the guy that fits my criteria, not hers.
Kinda like: How do you know if you ate a good steak? It's juicy. You crave for it afterwards. It has a unique soft texture that you hardly experience. It smells delicious. etc etc.
But does everyone like the same kind of steak? Not really. Just like not everyone sees love the same. You can't write a book on how to love. I mean you can, but it will just be a book on obvious things.
I'm definitely not trying to be cynical on love. I'm also married and I love my wife dearly. It's just I can't imagine telling my daughter how to love someone and how to find the right guy. Because ultimately I'll just be telling her how to find the guy that fits my criteria, not hers.
#25
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
I feel like that article just states the obvious.
Kinda like: How do you know if you ate a good steak? It's juicy. You crave for it afterwards. It has a unique soft texture that you hardly experience. It smells delicious. etc etc.
But does everyone like the same kind of steak? Not really. Just like not everyone sees love the same. You can't write a book on how to love. I mean you can, but it will just be a book on obvious things.
I'm definitely not trying to be cynical on love. I'm also married and I love my wife dearly. It's just I can't imagine telling my daughter how to love someone and how to find the right guy. Because ultimately I'll just be telling her how to find the guy that fits my criteria, not hers.
Kinda like: How do you know if you ate a good steak? It's juicy. You crave for it afterwards. It has a unique soft texture that you hardly experience. It smells delicious. etc etc.
But does everyone like the same kind of steak? Not really. Just like not everyone sees love the same. You can't write a book on how to love. I mean you can, but it will just be a book on obvious things.
I'm definitely not trying to be cynical on love. I'm also married and I love my wife dearly. It's just I can't imagine telling my daughter how to love someone and how to find the right guy. Because ultimately I'll just be telling her how to find the guy that fits my criteria, not hers.
I think of the list this way: these are things that if you have them, great. If not, they present risks. It's up to everyone how much emphasis they'd put on the risks, or whether they'd do anything about it. But this list is addressing things that will get much worse, and harder to ignore, over time. I can say this - being married 22 years is much different than it was at 5, 10 or even 15. You can overlook some of this stuff for a while, but after 10 years of dealing with it most people lose the ability and desire to put up the effort. After 10 years, the disapproving mother-in-law becomes very difficult to ignore. Or if you aren't friends you start running out of things to do together. Or that characteristic you'd hope would change hasn't and you've had enough.
#26
Moderator
I agree that not everything is obvious to everyone.
I'll say this though, I won't argue with you any further. With 22 years under your belt, you definitely have a lot more experience than I do with 5 months under my belt, haha.
I'll say this though, I won't argue with you any further. With 22 years under your belt, you definitely have a lot more experience than I do with 5 months under my belt, haha.
#27
Drifting
We just hit 22 years married last year - I'd absolutely agree with all the points in the article. I don't know that I'd give up on someone if they had trouble with one of the points, but I think those trouble spots are worth calling out.
1. Smooth relationship - completely agree. Meeting my wife was exactly like that. And let me tell you, if you are going to be around the same person year after year like that, having it be natural is a huge plus. However, I would not go so far as to define "smooth" as conflict free. Anyone who is married is going to piss the other one off at some point. So the point isn't an absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with conflict in a mature manner when it comes up.
2. Gets along with family - absolutely. Now this is one of those that people will say can be worked around, but you are signing up for a lifetime of conflict when you do. If your wife does not get along with friends or family, you wind up living two lives.
3. Nothing major to change - absolutely. This is huge, because any relationship you are in where you fall in love with the idea of who someone could be, and not who they are, you are doomed.
4. Best friend - check. Because you will spend a LOT of time with her. If I count when I met my wife, I've lived more of my life with her than without.
5. Thought of marriage doesn't scare you - I'd reverse this one. The thought of NOT marrying her makes you miserable. That was the moment for me, when I just could not imagine a future without her in it.
For me I'd add #6 - that you both have the ability to give and take. Sometimes you put her needs ahead of yours, and other times she puts yours ahead of hers. Basically you treat eachother unselfishly.
1. Smooth relationship - completely agree. Meeting my wife was exactly like that. And let me tell you, if you are going to be around the same person year after year like that, having it be natural is a huge plus. However, I would not go so far as to define "smooth" as conflict free. Anyone who is married is going to piss the other one off at some point. So the point isn't an absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with conflict in a mature manner when it comes up.
2. Gets along with family - absolutely. Now this is one of those that people will say can be worked around, but you are signing up for a lifetime of conflict when you do. If your wife does not get along with friends or family, you wind up living two lives.
3. Nothing major to change - absolutely. This is huge, because any relationship you are in where you fall in love with the idea of who someone could be, and not who they are, you are doomed.
4. Best friend - check. Because you will spend a LOT of time with her. If I count when I met my wife, I've lived more of my life with her than without.
5. Thought of marriage doesn't scare you - I'd reverse this one. The thought of NOT marrying her makes you miserable. That was the moment for me, when I just could not imagine a future without her in it.
For me I'd add #6 - that you both have the ability to give and take. Sometimes you put her needs ahead of yours, and other times she puts yours ahead of hers. Basically you treat eachother unselfishly.
#28
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
My parents will celebrate 50 next year, and my grandparents made it to 72 before they passed a few years ago. My parents joke that by marrying eachother they saved two other people from really awful marriges.
Congrats on the good start!
#29
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
These are also really good additions to the list!
#30
She knows where the kitchen is?
Agree with everything. Not really feeling the best friend part. I can't exactly make fun of her when her team is losing, lol.
Agree with everything. Not really feeling the best friend part. I can't exactly make fun of her when her team is losing, lol.
#32
Affair Proof Your Marriage?
Meh, the only thing I've learned in 32 years of dealing with the opposite sex is that women don't respect guys who spend alot of time trying to figure them out. Especially if they are reduced to five points of speculation in a automotive forum.
#33
Pro
Agreed - the author is putting P#$y on a Pedestal... it's simple... if the girl can satisfy your dirtiest sexual fantasies, but is cool enough to chill then you're in a golden situation...
#34
#35
Needs more Lemon Pledge
#36
We both cook. One of our daily rituals is to watch the Food channel.
#39
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Didnt read the article but read some of the funny comments on here....
well you never know if she is the one...thats the whole funda of life right? surprises?
when you can be you around a girl, and she likes you for you (NOTE: two way street) its probably meant to be....
I love my wife a lot...we have been together for 2.5 years now...married on paper since 1.5 years and traditionally married for 2 months....if i could turn back the hands of time, I wouldnt change a THING !!!
We browse the just body thread on here together....and at the gym she will elbow me, and ask me to check out the rack on some chic working out (in before she is lesbian comments)....but she lets me be me....and i make sure i dont cross the boundaries....
well you never know if she is the one...thats the whole funda of life right? surprises?
when you can be you around a girl, and she likes you for you (NOTE: two way street) its probably meant to be....
I love my wife a lot...we have been together for 2.5 years now...married on paper since 1.5 years and traditionally married for 2 months....if i could turn back the hands of time, I wouldnt change a THING !!!
We browse the just body thread on here together....and at the gym she will elbow me, and ask me to check out the rack on some chic working out (in before she is lesbian comments)....but she lets me be me....and i make sure i dont cross the boundaries....
#40
Team Owner
iTrader: (4)
You know she's a keeper when she tongues your butt while jerking you off.
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