What is it?

Is there ever a circumstance where not granting forgiveness is "ok"? If they apologize/ask for forgiveness? If they don't?

Is forgiveness even about the other person, or is it more about the one forgiving/not forgiving?





I feel like the question, 'What is forgiveness?', should be easy.


This afternoon, I got a text from the one person on earth I have ever truly hated. I spent who knows how long wishing she would burn in hell. I've never felt such resentment and anger towards a person. I never had, and never have since, wished ill on someone.

I had/have moved on from what happened, however the resulting effects of the relationship definitely left its mark and will probably be with me the rest of life. It had been almost 2 years since we had any contact till this afternoon. And this was out of the blue. She said she was sorry for everything that happened...for what she did...hope that I could accept her apology. She didn't even really seem to ask or expect a response back. I haven't replied.

Even if I didn't reply though...what is forgiveness? This is the first time I've really been conflicted with what the meaning of it is. When I saw who the text was from, I got a pit in my stomach, and started re-living everything. Not really sure what to do...if anything.

As of right now though, I plan on having a drink or seven tonight.

 

Im sorry

 

Forgiveness is moving on from hatred and resentment. You can continue to be on your guard, protecting yourself and others though from being hurt.

 

You can always forgive someone, the question becomes do you accept them back into the relationship?

 

In this circumstance, there's no 'accepting them back into a relationship'.

This is solely about forgiveness.

 

Without knowing details here's my words of wisdom. Ignore her text or more pain ahead.

 

Forgiveness is pretty subjective. What may be forgivable to some may not be for others.

I for one never forgive and forget. I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.

If someone has wronged me to the point that I didn't forgive them after a good amount of time, then they deserve it. You can be sure as hell that I will never forgive them nor would I ever forget what they did.

 

2 years of no contact and then this? She wants to know if you're still interested in her.

 

Here's how I look at it:

Asking for forgiveness is a selfish endeavor. She might genuinely think that you would feel better if she apologized; that it would help bring closure. But then why ask for forgiveness? The apology is for you and forgiveness is for her.

I've thought about this a lot when reflecting on people that I've hurt in my past. I contemplated reaching out to them and apologizing, but I came to the conclusion that I was only doing it for me. I would feel better if I apologized.. it was completely selfish. Depending on the circumstances an apology might benefit someone, but I would only do it if it's for them and not just something I want to get off my chest.

That being said, maybe forgiveness is something you can give her to help her move on. It's all about what you're willing to give to each other. If she apologizes and leaves it at that, then she was probably genuinely sorry. If she asks for forgiveness, then it's something she needs and you can consider giving that to her.

Third possibility - she misses your penis, dearly.

 

I like this too.. didn't think about the "me" side of forgiveness. Forgiveness is accepting an apology and then moving on. It's the only way to give you both closure. However, you need to be sure that you're both genuine about it.

 

Then put it to rest and move on.....

 

Ignore it if you never plan to have her back in your life. Nothing but more and more texts are going to come from you answering her and then you will relive that whole period of your life over again.

But....if you had 7 drinks and took your phone, our advise is pretty useless at this point since you probably texted her back last night. From the text you got a call, then she met you at the bar, then you banged her, then you got in a fight about the past, now you are waiting to be bailed out and the whole cycle has started over...

 

 

TS_eXpeed,

Forgiveness has two different dimensions - one for the person who did wrong, and another for the person who was wronged.

For the person who did wrong, asking forgiveness is really an attempt to restore the relationship. "Restore" in that context is somewhere between just knowing the person is sorry and leave it at that, all the way to actually becoming friends again. Or even some place inbetween.

For the person who was wronged, granting forgiveness is about first knowing that the other person is actually sorry, and also about healing and letting go of the resentment. Holding on to hurt, anger and resentment is one of the most unhealthy things a person can do (IMO). I think freeing yourself from it is healthy and liberating.

You said in your post that, "...the resulting effects of the relationship definitely left its mark and will probably be with me the rest of life." I'd ask why the rest of your life? She hurt you once, right? IMO, every time you hang on to that, remember it, let it bring those memories back, or let it alter who you become, she hurts you all over again. Why does she get to do that to you? She hurt you once - that should be all she gets. She had her turn, and now it's your turn. This is just my humble opinion, but I think you've been offered the chance to purge whatever you are hanging on to and live the rest of your days without this hurt haning around. There's no reason why whatever she did deserves to be a part of you "the rest of your life". Those days are yours, not hers. So I think if you choose to forgive her, you are saying that you get to decide what you hang on to the rest of your life, and what she did to you is not going to be a part of that.

 

I agree with CUNextTuesday and Ken1997TL among others. It seems to me that she's either still dwelling on what she did and is trying to patch this up or she's just looking to put things in the past. Either way, I wouldn't rush into any sort of response until you know how you feel about the situation.

 

 

My thoughts, unless she's in AA on a 12 step program, then the holidays made her miss you and your dong

 

I feel that there are 2 types of forgiveness at the end of the day, but both share the same principle that whatever happened in the past or that has happened is okay and it no longer bothers you:

1. When something minor happens like spilling a glass of milk, breaking a cup, etc and the person helps you clean it up. Simple things that really don't bother you to much and you can easily live with. As a better example, imagine your GF takes your car out and rear ends someone. At that point you'd be upset but be more concerned about your GF than the car. Shit happens and the car can be fixed and so forth. Is it upsetting, yes, but does it bother you that much, not really. Maybe you might not let her drive your new car for a bit of time or ask her to be more careful but that's the extent of it.

2. When something major happens that impacts you directly, like a Spouse cheating on their SO or someone robbing you. You get hurt from it and there isn't any sort of "recovery" or fixing it. You endure a lot of pain and hurt. When that person who did the "wrong doing" asks for forgiveness it's usually past the point where they can fix it or make it up to you and it's more for selfish reasons.

A. If you feel you've moved on and it never bothers you (see #1) then forgiveness really means nothing to you, but could mean a lot to the other person. If they are in a program or something to fix their life and to apologize to people (think of My Name is Earl on TV).

B. If you still feel some sort of pain from whatever was done in the past (IE they cheated on you and it's still hard for you to trust folks, etc) then I personally feel they are trying to be selfish and make themselves feel better rather than trying to fix something or make it up. However if they do something to show that they have changed their ways I feel that it depends on the situation to warrant wether all the pain and suffering that was endured is now "okay" and forgiven. I do believe people can change, however it takes a LOT of inner self to do so.

 

IMO asking for forgiveness is usually done for selfish reasons. It's used to help the person absolve themselves of any wrongdoing. But that's if you agree that asking for forgiveness is separate from simply apologizing.

Hey, I'd definitely give them credit for it at least. I know dozens of people that live by the rule of thumb that if the incident in question happened X number of months or years ago, then there's no reason to apologize. It happened a long time ago and you need to get over it, etc.

 

She might be asking for forgiveness because she's grown up over the past two years, has thought about whatever happened and realized that what she did really affected you. Perhaps she feels empathy now or just truly understands the impact the situation had. Maybe asking for forgiveness is her way of apologizing and making sure that you know that she finally realizes what she did affected you...she cares about you enough as a person to give you the last bit of closure.

Or, it might be all her and having the burden of this off of her shoulders by knowing that she's told you and wanting your 'forgiveness'.

In reality, having your forgiveness or you forgiving her really doesn't make a difference. You can both make the choice to move on without carrying the load of whatever happened two years ago. She can move on without you speaking, "I forgive you" and you can move on without hearing her apology. It's all about the choices you both make. You can either let it eat away at you or you can choose not to give her or your thoughts of her another second of your time.

Whether you forgive her or not, it sounds like you're carrying around a lot of anger and bitterness. That just eats away at you. What you do from here forward is all about you; it really doesn't have anything to do with her.

 

Forgiveness has 2 sides.

1. For you. To me it means that you have really and truly moved on. People can say that they forgive but never really let go. I think if you have 100% lost interest in how that person feels then it is easy to forgive them and move on.

2. For them. Some people like to know you forgive them so they can move on. People make mistakes. Not just leaving someone, but the circumstances in how the break up occurred. Some people just need to know you don't hold a grudge.

To me, based on what you wrote she is not really asking for anything. Maybe she just wants to say sorry. People mature, grow up, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes they just need to say sorry.

The questions is - "What do you want to do?"

I would want to know why she sent the text. I hate wondering. I think you have the right to be selfish. I would probably write back and say something like "What's done is done. Nothing left to say." Do not offer forgiveness unless you want to.

Either way...this sucks. I understand what you are going through. It's not easy.

 

This might not be on topic, but I find it often when someone contacts someone after a very long time, it's probably because they're not doing so well. She probably texted you to get some attention because she's probably been doing pretty bad.

There's this girl that contacted me out of nowhere after 4 years. She wanted to do all these things that I didn't have time for. I then found out from a friend that she just broke up a 2 year relationship. I'm like aww hell na this bitch is gonna make me her rebound.

Now to be on topic. There are VERY few people that I hate. But I am a forgivable person. If that person truly comes at me being very apologetic, I'll forgive that person....but only once. I always feel that everyone deserves a second chance because we all fuck up. To me, it's not what something someone's done, it's what they do after that matters.

 

in my experiance its always easier for me to move on if ive had my appoligy accepted... or in your case accepted the appoligy. Sometimes its the NOT forgiving that holds us back.

 

figure out what you think you need and what you are prepared to give back. You can thank her for her apology if that gives you some solace to think that at least she acknowledges her mistake and regrets it. You may or may not choose to forgive her in return. Something like "Thank you for your apology, I appreciate your remorse and hope you regret what you did to me for the rest of your miserable worthless life"

 

Forgiveness is for you, not them.. Period.

I met a nun from Africa, her whole family killed in front of her by men she knew. Though she knew she had to forgive them, she didn't understand why, and thus couldn't forgive those who killed her family. It wasn't until she understood the burden that imprisoned her, was she able to let go.

 

Text :

" Not sure who this is... You probably text-ed the wrong person"

Chances are after 2 years, there is a very high possibility that you got a new phone number.

I haven't spoken to my EX in over a year now, nor will I ever open that door of communication.. An ex is an ex sorry.

 

It's not just her. It's my perception on everything/everyone as a whole. She wasn't the only reason, but she was the straw that broke the camel's back in a series of events occurring over a relatively short period of time that made me kind of withdraw from everything and lose trust in everyone. To this day, I don't hardly trust anyone, nor do I open up and "let people in". It's now just a perpetually running, learned defense mechanism.

When I said the mark she left will probably be with me forever, I didn't necessarily mean thoughts/memories of her specifically, but my complete distrust in literally almost everyone. I have a bunch of decent friends, but I keep most of them at a distance. Besides my immediate family (mom, dad, and sister), I only have one truly good friend that I would trust almost anything with.

Maybe it's just a phase that'll take me yet even longer to get over...but about the only person I trust is myself.

 

^ I'm really sorry to hear all that. I figured things weren't that black and white. I hope you can find peace with it someday. Maybe it's because I'm 45 now and I've reached something close to the "half way" mark of my life, but I'm much more sensitive now to the time we all lose because of the things we hold on to. Just don't hang on to it so long that years from now you might look back on this time with regret.

 

You can't let someone change you. Get over it, move on, forgive (for your own good), otherwise your personal relationships will always suffer, if not be complete shit.. and blaming it on someone else is asinine.

I'm not saying you have to text back, just get over it. I've been through some fucked up shit.. I'm sure we all have.. but if you hold on to it, you'll drown.

 

 

Never regret anything, because at one point it was exactly what you wanted.

Forgive, because life is too short to hold a grudge or to hate somebody.

 

thats what I thought