Has the mod bug infected anyone else's relationship?
09-14-2011, 07:35 AM
#42
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At first my girlfriend loved how I did stuff to my car. She would buy stuff for it and supported everything I did. Now she's sick of it and wish I didn't blow all of my money on it.
BUT she realizes that doing stuff to my car makes me happy, just like her blowing money on stupid ugly UGG boots and purses with hideous Cs all over it makes her happy. At the end of the day we want each other happy and we support each other as much as we can even if we don't agree with their decision.
BUT she realizes that doing stuff to my car makes me happy, just like her blowing money on stupid ugly UGG boots and purses with hideous Cs all over it makes her happy. At the end of the day we want each other happy and we support each other as much as we can even if we don't agree with their decision.
wow i feel like i just read my own post, thanks for writing it for me tyler. only thing i would have added is that my gf works for the bank...where i have my checking account...and that's why i use paypal for purchases. 
anyways, OP...a lot of good advice here in this thread. good luck with everything.
anyways, OP...a lot of good advice here in this thread. good luck with everything.
09-14-2011, 12:15 PM
#43
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09-14-2011, 12:41 PM
#44
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a "your car is more important than me" or "you spend too much money on your car" conversation. If you do, my last bit of advice is this. Start with "What's really bothering you". Listen a long time and don't speak. If you let her vent long enough (uninterrupted), you'll get to the real issue. End with, "I understand what you are saying". Don't add anything after that. Don't discuss how to fix it. Don't argue or make a counter point.
Whatever work needs to be done between you two after that, do it later. Seek to understand her position first. Go think about it. Then address stuff later if needed.
09-14-2011, 01:00 PM
#45
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My wife does not love me modding a car. She thinks it is wasteful. I kinda agree. As for working on the cars, she thinks that it takes a lot of time. Again, I kinda agree.
When I have to do something with the car I just tell her first and make sure she didn't have something else planned. I have found that this avoids issues.
I have come to realize that there is no upside to having an unhappy or neglected wife. This is why there are a lot of divorced guys on my soccer team.
09-14-2011, 01:01 PM
#46
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Yes, but keep in mind this isn't about how you spend your money. The car and the money are a red herring. What she really wants to know is that she is a priority to you.
Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a "your car is more important than me" or "you spend too much money on your car" conversation. If you do, my last bit of advice is this. Start with "What's really bothering you". Listen a long time and don't speak. If you let her vent long enough (uninterrupted), you'll get to the real issue. End with, "I understand what you are saying". Don't add anything after that. Don't discuss how to fix it. Don't argue or make a counter point.
Whatever work needs to be done between you two after that, do it later. Seek to understand her position first. Go think about it. Then address stuff later if needed.
Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a "your car is more important than me" or "you spend too much money on your car" conversation. If you do, my last bit of advice is this. Start with "What's really bothering you". Listen a long time and don't speak. If you let her vent long enough (uninterrupted), you'll get to the real issue. End with, "I understand what you are saying". Don't add anything after that. Don't discuss how to fix it. Don't argue or make a counter point.
Whatever work needs to be done between you two after that, do it later. Seek to understand her position first. Go think about it. Then address stuff later if needed.
Also I get that it will eventually be our money but till it is really but out. I mean she can shop and not save her money but apparently us guys are supposed to save our money so in the end it can just be more her money and not really our money.
09-14-2011, 01:04 PM
#47
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Not that this helps at this point but everyone I have been with I have made sure it was known ahead of time I work on my car, I like to work on my car, and I like to mod my car. If you have issues with that then we minus well not even start. It is one my hobbies and I am willing to not put as much time into it as before but I damn well not willing to give it up.
09-14-2011, 01:05 PM
#48
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Yes, but keep in mind this isn't about how you spend your money. The car and the money are a red herring. What she really wants to know is that she is a priority to you.
Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a "your car is more important than me" or "you spend too much money on your car" conversation. If you do, my last bit of advice is this. Start with "What's really bothering you". Listen a long time and don't speak. If you let her vent long enough (uninterrupted), you'll get to the real issue. End with, "I understand what you are saying". Don't add anything after that. Don't discuss how to fix it. Don't argue or make a counter point.
Whatever work needs to be done between you two after that, do it later. Seek to understand her position first. Go think about it. Then address stuff later if needed.
Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a "your car is more important than me" or "you spend too much money on your car" conversation. If you do, my last bit of advice is this. Start with "What's really bothering you". Listen a long time and don't speak. If you let her vent long enough (uninterrupted), you'll get to the real issue. End with, "I understand what you are saying". Don't add anything after that. Don't discuss how to fix it. Don't argue or make a counter point.
Whatever work needs to be done between you two after that, do it later. Seek to understand her position first. Go think about it. Then address stuff later if needed.
First off 1Louder - You give awesome advice.
OP - The thing is you need to figure out how to not let it get to the point where you are having this discussion. I think you both need to talk about this more.
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1Louder (09-14-2011)
09-14-2011, 01:09 PM
#49
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These never end well.
Also I get that it will eventually be our money but till it is really but out. I mean she can shop and not save her money but apparently us guys are supposed to save our money so in the end it can just be more her money and not really our money.
Also I get that it will eventually be our money but till it is really but out. I mean she can shop and not save her money but apparently us guys are supposed to save our money so in the end it can just be more her money and not really our money.
09-14-2011, 01:12 PM
#50
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By the way, I see you're 29. How old is she and how long have you been dating?
If you've been together for a year or more and she is the same age as you even though it is YOUR money she is looking at the fact that down the road it may be OUR money. That's human nature.
If you've been together for a year or more and she is the same age as you even though it is YOUR money she is looking at the fact that down the road it may be OUR money. That's human nature.
09-14-2011, 01:14 PM
#52
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Yes, but keep in mind this isn't about how you spend your money. The car and the money are a red herring. What she really wants to know is that she is a priority to you.
Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a "your car is more important than me" or "you spend too much money on your car" conversation. If you do, my last bit of advice is this. Start with "What's really bothering you". Listen a long time and don't speak. If you let her vent long enough (uninterrupted), you'll get to the real issue. End with, "I understand what you are saying". Don't add anything after that. Don't discuss how to fix it. Don't argue or make a counter point.
Whatever work needs to be done between you two after that, do it later. Seek to understand her position first. Go think about it. Then address stuff later if needed.
Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a "your car is more important than me" or "you spend too much money on your car" conversation. If you do, my last bit of advice is this. Start with "What's really bothering you". Listen a long time and don't speak. If you let her vent long enough (uninterrupted), you'll get to the real issue. End with, "I understand what you are saying". Don't add anything after that. Don't discuss how to fix it. Don't argue or make a counter point.
Whatever work needs to be done between you two after that, do it later. Seek to understand her position first. Go think about it. Then address stuff later if needed.
Thanks again for your input.
These never end well.
Also I get that it will eventually be our money but till it is really but out. I mean she can shop and not save her money but apparently us guys are supposed to save our money so in the end it can just be more her money and not really our money.
Also I get that it will eventually be our money but till it is really but out. I mean she can shop and not save her money but apparently us guys are supposed to save our money so in the end it can just be more her money and not really our money.
Nailed it...
09-14-2011, 01:20 PM
#53
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AND I DON'T MEAN JUST MONEY....MONEY AND TIME. And if your gf is spending $1000 on clothes and shoes every month I am sure at some point you start to think that eventually you will be funding that shopping spree.
09-14-2011, 07:48 PM
#54
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Thank you!!
Thanks! No, I've just been married a long time (21 years last month), and I've learned from a lot of mistakes. 
09-14-2011, 09:28 PM
#55
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09-15-2011, 09:43 AM
#56
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That's up for debate.
Here is what I think. When I was in my 20's I was selfish. I thought more about myself than girls I dated. I spent money on cars, electronics, clothes, partying and women. I had the same attitude that it is my money and I will do what I felt like. It killed a relationship or 2 but I was not ready to be unselfish. I DON'T REGRET ANY OF THIS.
Now, I'm married. Have a kid. I think about them first and me....a distant second. Just the natural way that life progresses.
Ask your self this....If you are driving down a street and a truck pulls in front of you and you crash into it what will your thoughts be of? I really hope you're not thinking about the coilovers and j-pipe you just installed. IMO, people you care about trumps car any day.
Here is what I think. When I was in my 20's I was selfish. I thought more about myself than girls I dated. I spent money on cars, electronics, clothes, partying and women. I had the same attitude that it is my money and I will do what I felt like. It killed a relationship or 2 but I was not ready to be unselfish. I DON'T REGRET ANY OF THIS.
Now, I'm married. Have a kid. I think about them first and me....a distant second. Just the natural way that life progresses.
Ask your self this....If you are driving down a street and a truck pulls in front of you and you crash into it what will your thoughts be of? I really hope you're not thinking about the coilovers and j-pipe you just installed. IMO, people you care about trumps car any day.
09-15-2011, 09:51 AM
#58
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My wife buys furniture and ridiculous decorations. I buy guns, games and books. She has no recourse on cars since I'm restoring an original Mini and throwing a B18C motor in it.
No recourse I say!
No recourse I say!
09-15-2011, 09:55 AM
#59
GEEZER
nobody got my MOD joke. 
09-15-2011, 10:05 AM
#61
Chapter Leader (Southern Region)
09-15-2011, 10:10 AM
#62
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1killercls (09-15-2011)
09-15-2011, 11:21 AM
#63
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Here's how we do it - same for when we both worked and now (I'm the only income). It took a while to get to this, but it eliminates the my money/your money issue.
Combine the incomes - prioritize things that are needed just to run a home. These get paid first
- Commitments get paid first (mortgage, food, home expenses, car loans, etc.)
- Saving (retirement, etc.)
- Money is set aside to cover standard expenses (we call this the "home's" money) - medical co-pays, dry cleaning, eating out, car maintenance, home maintenance, etc.)
We each get an equal "allowance" - money we can spend with no accountability to the other person
For the rest of the disposable income (which isn't much by now), we prioritize and mutually agree to how it gets spent.
We do that every month, and of course I track expenses to those categories. So no making $500 purchases unless a) you had the allowance to do it or b) was mutually agreed to.
It's a bit of book keeping, but it works. We don't resent each other over money, and it keeps things fair.
Combine the incomes - prioritize things that are needed just to run a home. These get paid first
- Commitments get paid first (mortgage, food, home expenses, car loans, etc.)
- Saving (retirement, etc.)
- Money is set aside to cover standard expenses (we call this the "home's" money) - medical co-pays, dry cleaning, eating out, car maintenance, home maintenance, etc.)
We each get an equal "allowance" - money we can spend with no accountability to the other person
For the rest of the disposable income (which isn't much by now), we prioritize and mutually agree to how it gets spent.
We do that every month, and of course I track expenses to those categories. So no making $500 purchases unless a) you had the allowance to do it or b) was mutually agreed to.
It's a bit of book keeping, but it works. We don't resent each other over money, and it keeps things fair.
09-15-2011, 12:16 PM
#64
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That's up for debate.
Here is what I think. When I was in my 20's I was selfish. I thought more about myself than girls I dated. I spent money on cars, electronics, clothes, partying and women. I had the same attitude that it is my money and I will do what I felt like. It killed a relationship or 2 but I was not ready to be unselfish. I DON'T REGRET ANY OF THIS.
Now, I'm married. Have a kid. I think about them first and me....a distant second. Just the natural way that life progresses.
Ask your self this....If you are driving down a street and a truck pulls in front of you and you crash into it what will your thoughts be of? I really hope you're not thinking about the coilovers and j-pipe you just installed. IMO, people you care about trumps car any day.
Here is what I think. When I was in my 20's I was selfish. I thought more about myself than girls I dated. I spent money on cars, electronics, clothes, partying and women. I had the same attitude that it is my money and I will do what I felt like. It killed a relationship or 2 but I was not ready to be unselfish. I DON'T REGRET ANY OF THIS.
Now, I'm married. Have a kid. I think about them first and me....a distant second. Just the natural way that life progresses.
Ask your self this....If you are driving down a street and a truck pulls in front of you and you crash into it what will your thoughts be of? I really hope you're not thinking about the coilovers and j-pipe you just installed. IMO, people you care about trumps car any day.
My gf doesn't see this cause she doesn't see my bank account nor do I believe she needs to. She gives me a if you say so response when I tell her things like this as if she doesn't believe me based on how I lived my life during high school and college before working full time.
Regarding the car crash that question needs more info first. Was I alone or are other people in the car with me? If there are others then I am concerned about them first and foremost. If I am alone I am pissed about what happened to the car and pissed at the other person for not paying attention.
09-15-2011, 12:40 PM
#65
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Regarding the car crash that question needs more info first. Was I alone or are other people in the car with me? If there are others then I am concerned about them first and foremost. If I am alone I am pissed about what happened to the car and pissed at the other person for not paying attention.
My first thought is my wife and kid. Cars can be replaced.
09-15-2011, 12:46 PM
#66
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Here's how we do it - same for when we both worked and now (I'm the only income). It took a while to get to this, but it eliminates the my money/your money issue.
Combine the incomes - prioritize things that are needed just to run a home. These get paid first
- Commitments get paid first (mortgage, food, home expenses, car loans, etc.)
- Saving (retirement, etc.)
- Money is set aside to cover standard expenses (we call this the "home's" money) - medical co-pays, dry cleaning, eating out, car maintenance, home maintenance, etc.)
We each get an equal "allowance" - money we can spend with no accountability to the other person
For the rest of the disposable income (which isn't much by now), we prioritize and mutually agree to how it gets spent.
We do that every month, and of course I track expenses to those categories. So no making $500 purchases unless a) you had the allowance to do it or b) was mutually agreed to.
It's a bit of book keeping, but it works. We don't resent each other over money, and it keeps things fair.
Combine the incomes - prioritize things that are needed just to run a home. These get paid first
- Commitments get paid first (mortgage, food, home expenses, car loans, etc.)
- Saving (retirement, etc.)
- Money is set aside to cover standard expenses (we call this the "home's" money) - medical co-pays, dry cleaning, eating out, car maintenance, home maintenance, etc.)
We each get an equal "allowance" - money we can spend with no accountability to the other person
For the rest of the disposable income (which isn't much by now), we prioritize and mutually agree to how it gets spent.
We do that every month, and of course I track expenses to those categories. So no making $500 purchases unless a) you had the allowance to do it or b) was mutually agreed to.
It's a bit of book keeping, but it works. We don't resent each other over money, and it keeps things fair.
We have a $200 spending limit on non-essential items. Over that we let the other person know. In 6 years this has never once created a problem for us.
When I bought my TL it took about 10 minutes of conversation and my wife told me that I know what I need to spend money on and it was my decision. She has not once mentioned that I could have gotten something less expensive.
Communication works guys.
09-25-2011, 02:11 PM
#67
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wow i feel like i just read my own post, thanks for writing it for me tyler. only thing i would have added is that my gf works for the bank...where i have my checking account...and that's why i use paypal for purchases.
anyways, OP...a lot of good advice here in this thread. good luck with everything.
anyways, OP...a lot of good advice here in this thread. good luck with everything.
09-25-2011, 02:55 PM
#68
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seriously, do you work on her car by chance? when my brother works on my car i always help...it is my car and i might as well learn a little something. and we get to talk about whatever and hang out (which is not often).
At first my girlfriend loved how I did stuff to my car. She would buy stuff for it and supported everything I did. Now she's sick of it and wish I didn't blow all of my money on it.
BUT she realizes that doing stuff to my car makes me happy, just like her blowing money on stupid ugly UGG boots and purses with hideous Cs all over it makes her happy. At the end of the day we want each other happy and we support each other as much as we can even if we don't agree with their decision.
BUT she realizes that doing stuff to my car makes me happy, just like her blowing money on stupid ugly UGG boots and purses with hideous Cs all over it makes her happy. At the end of the day we want each other happy and we support each other as much as we can even if we don't agree with their decision.
).My wife does not love me modding a car. She thinks it is wasteful. I kinda agree. As for working on the cars, she thinks that it takes a lot of time. Again, I kinda agree.
When I have to do something with the car I just tell her first and make sure she didn't have something else planned. I have found that this avoids issues.
I have come to realize that there is no upside to having an unhappy or neglected wife. This is why there are a lot of divorced guys on my soccer team.
a lot of what others have said is quite relevant (not the vespa post necessarily
), but really...it comes down to the girl. age can have something to do about it, attitude, interests, etc. and its true, a lot of girls just want somebody to vent to and listen to whatever...and its that "couple" time (doesn't have to be a date, it could be over a dinner at home or just laying in bed/couch on a lazy morning). it's easy to get comfy in a relationship and easy to be selfish. my guy and i have been through a lot and we continue to learn and accept/respect each other's quirks and flaws (if you may). we compliment each other quite well. so, things to think about are what you want out of the relationship, she sounds a little needy....but a little face time will go a long way.
10-02-2011, 02:17 PM
#69
My wife would love this conversation.
As long as it has been with moderation I have not had any issues. I have learned to give her quality time, and not being distracted while being with her. This goes a long way.
She rather me spend money on my car than get another bike, so we both compromised on something.
As long as it has been with moderation I have not had any issues. I have learned to give her quality time, and not being distracted while being with her. This goes a long way.
She rather me spend money on my car than get another bike, so we both compromised on something.
10-06-2011, 02:42 PM
#70
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wait I can choose what I do with my money? Shit. If I did i would be single
Luckily I'm young enough to not have to share/support anyone just yet. Even though I pay rent, and gas, and gifts, etc.
fuck she's smart
Luckily I'm young enough to not have to share/support anyone just yet. Even though I pay rent, and gas, and gifts, etc.
fuck she's smart
10-06-2011, 06:38 PM
#71
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
^ Sounds like she'll be buying you drinks soon too...
10-06-2011, 10:02 PM
#72
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Werrrddddddddd
10-07-2011, 12:30 PM
#73
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I thought I had a bug in my samich..It was just peeper though.
10-16-2011, 10:19 PM
#74
i support tyler and his decisions to do what he pleases with his car.
but there comes a point when its time to settle down and start putting money towards something more than a car. spending too much time on acurazine and spending too much money on your car can def affect your relationship. be sure that you tell her how much you appreciate her and how much you support the decisions she makes.
this is NOT an attack at my boyfriend so don't go there.
but there comes a point when its time to settle down and start putting money towards something more than a car. spending too much time on acurazine and spending too much money on your car can def affect your relationship. be sure that you tell her how much you appreciate her and how much you support the decisions she makes.
this is NOT an attack at my boyfriend so don't go there.
10-16-2011, 10:24 PM
#75
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HEY WOMAN! GET OFF OF ACURAZINE AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
10-17-2011, 09:53 AM
#76
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10-17-2011, 10:03 AM
#77
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I am glad my women is not on Acurazine
10-17-2011, 10:09 AM
#78
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It doesn't bother me. At least she's involved with what I do
10-17-2011, 10:21 AM
#79
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i support tyler and his decisions to do what he pleases with his car.
but there comes a point when its time to settle down and start putting money towards something more than a car. spending too much time on acurazine and spending too much money on your car can def affect your relationship. be sure that you tell her how much you appreciate her and how much you support the decisions she makes.
this is NOT an attack at my boyfriend so don't go there.
but there comes a point when its time to settle down and start putting money towards something more than a car. spending too much time on acurazine and spending too much money on your car can def affect your relationship. be sure that you tell her how much you appreciate her and how much you support the decisions she makes.
this is NOT an attack at my boyfriend so don't go there.
Man....this must make dinner fun at your house Tyler. Better you than me.
10-17-2011, 10:25 AM
#80
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You guys are young so if you're going to waste money on a car then do it now. When you're older and you have kids, loans, home(s) etc then shit needs to change.
In my house if it's over $200 we discuss it before purchasing. So....not too many mods will slip by without her knowing. When I was not married I did what I wanted.
In my house if it's over $200 we discuss it before purchasing. So....not too many mods will slip by without her knowing. When I was not married I did what I wanted.