...after you have been with this person for 6 years and he is just about to move in with you (which we both see as the last step before marriage) he suddenly not only decides he doesn't want to move in, but also dumps me, saying he loves me, and thinks he would be crazy to let someone as wonderful as me walk out of his life, but right now he doesn't want to "pretend he's married" and he doesn't want me in his life as his "girlfriend" right now.

I mean damn...he's being so ambiguous! I love you BUT....you're the best thing that's happened to me BUT!! He even said he thinks we will be married one day BUT!.....

I obviously can't wait around for something that may or may not happen. I realize that. I just don't understand his behavior. I thought he just had cold feet but he dumped me 5 weeks ago. I was trying to give him time to work through things (he's also going through a major transition by closing his business and getting a new job) but his behavior is both hurtful and confusing to me.

 

WOW that sucks!

The only thing it sounds like it could be is that he wants to see what's out there, and when he finds nothing better he plans on you being there to fill his need. What he's doing is pretty cold- IMO- if you love someone and ultimately want to spend the rest of your life with them and have childern with them then you don't need to see what else is out there. He's doubting his love for you, and seems curious. I always use the saying its better to regret something you have done then something you haven't but this is the sort of thing I wouldn't want to risk, what if your not around when/if he comes back?

Where do you stand surrounding this? if he needs a little time to find himself before he gets married would you take him back? do you still have the same feelings for him after this?

 

Assuming he is the same age as you he probably feels he missed out on the dating scene. I'm sure he wants to see what else is out there. I did the same thing, and went crawling back to my now wife about a year later.

 

So, I kinda did the same thing to an ex of mine. We had been together for 4 years. I lived in Nashville, her in Middle TN. She had been bringing stuff down every time she came to visit. Like 2 weeks before she was supposed to move in, it hit me. I do not love this girl and do not want to live with her or marry her. So I told her I loved her and I wanted to wait to live together. We stopped talking like 4 weeks later.

 

I thought maybe he was going through something with his career because he told me that I'm going to be a nurse and have a stable income etc, and he said that if he was going to be with me then he wanted to be able to provide the same time of stability to the relationship. He says I'm his best friend and that's all he wants me to be right now. But then he throws that future marriage stuff out there.

Maybe I'm just grasping at straws. It's just so hard when I saw my future as being with him and all of a sudden it's all out of control. I just don't know why I would feel so strongly for this man if he wasn't the right one for me.

 

does he have a solid job and able to support you two? my current g/f's sister has been living with this guy for a couple years now...dating for 5ish and the only reason they haven't gotten married is cuz he wants to be able to get some $ settled before they marry..he wants to be able to support a family pretty much...that could be a reason? i dunno

 

To quote Coming to America - he is sowing his royal oats. He wants to see what else is out there. If you can't see yourself without him, then wait - maybe it will all work out in the end. Otherwise, I'd try to move on.

 

Oh shit! That's terrible! After 6 years? I'd hate to believe that he was jerking you around for 6 years. I really doubt it, so the most logical explanation is he did exactly what my ex did to me. He broke up with me mainly cause he needed to experience other things because I was his first. So I said fine, and we're STILL not back together, but I know the love is still there. We've turned into perma-best-friends and I don't think it's ever going to turn into THAT kind of relationship again...

I really hope that doesn't happen to you. Since you've been together so long, please talk about how you feel with him about this whole thing.

 

I think he is in the same boat I'm in...

When you start out with someone in your early twenties...you think you are 100% sure of what you want. But early twenties is pretty young...alot changes between there and thirty.

When you get together that early, there are bound to be doubts. I'm sure he just needs time. Best thing you could do now is let him do whatever he feels he needs to do. Move on as best as you can, but I'm sure he will be back.

 

OMG Beth I'm so sorry! I thought everything was going so well!?!

 

yeah you failed to mention to me about being dumped!!!

you two act like you were getting along so well!!

 

You guys just had the romantic weekend. Anything out of the ordanary happen ?

 

I'm really sorry. I just went through something similar. We had been together for nearly 4 years and our relationship started out under not great circumstances. He wanted to be with my but....We were apart about 6 weeks before he called and said he realized he loved me and was stupid to waste all this time. I'm not sure what happened in those 6 weeks and I haven't asked him. I don't think I want to know. I know this is going to sound lame, but if it was really meant to be, it will happen. Lest it's not our decision to make, but his. My advice is to first pray about it. Pray for guidance for you both. Then give it time. Be there if he needs you to talk with, but that's about as far as it should go. I would recommend any late night booty calls. If he truly needs space, then give it to him in every sense of the word. Prayers to you both from me.

 

he lost interest in you...

he just doesn't have the balls to say it blatantly in your face. maybe if you were to get into an argument with him, he would eventually get so pissed that he would just throw it out to you...

that way, you know for sure, and you can move on...

 

It's one of two things:

1. He wants to break up with you, but he's scared to just come out and say it.
2. Since you've been together since your early 20s -- a time when most men are sleeping with as many women as possible -- he's beginning to wonder what he missed and is scared to commit to you.

 

Agreed.

 

Well first thanks everyone for the advice/insight. It seems to be a combo of a few things. And now I actually think this breakup is what's best for us both.

He called me early this morning and finally just TALKED to me and told me how he has some personal insecurites he needs to work on before he feels able to commit. The main thing is he just closed his personal business Friday. He feels that if I'm going to school to be a nurse and have a secure future then he needs to do the same. He's also changing living situations by moving out from the apt. with his roomie and getting his own place. He starts his new job in two weeks. He says right now he doesn't feel like he's worthy to commit to me because I've made some huge strides in the past 6 months and he has just fallen into a hole.

On that note, I also have realized that I've lost my identity in this relationship. I started out so young and I've just kinda blended into being just "his girlfriend" and not much of anything else. I'm taking this time to focus on myself and my goals and not worry about a relationship and where it's going etc. etc.

I felt much better after we talked, because he assured me that he does still care for me. We both hope that we will be together again one day, but we aren't focusing on that aspect of anything. We haven't made that a certainty...that's just how we both feel. I honestly feel that if we are supposed to be together then we will. In the meantime we are doing our thing, securing our futures, and offering support to each other as friends. We went fishing today and honestly I had a great time. I didn't worry about what this means or how does he feel because I know where the cards lie and I know what I have to do....that is take care of me. Because the bottom line is at the end of the day you can't count on anyone but yourself.

We both do still love each other. It's just not right for us right now. The crazy thing is I never thought I would be strong enough to say that.

 

 

 

 

It's just not right for us right now. The crazy thing is I never thought I would be strong enough to say that.[/QUOTE]

We tend to be a lot stronger than we think. Good for you. Sometimes I wish I could do the same thing. Lots of prayers to you.

 

good shit...

take care of your business, b/c nobody else will.

your ex b/f wouldn't have taken your nursing courses for you.

sometimes, you have to be selfish and think about yourself. it's just when your goals align w/ another, then you know there'll be a connection b/w the 2 of you...

 

he's afraid of commitment....alot of men are. and guys like being bachlors.

 

he needs his space... at the same time that you say you lost your identity... he probably feels the same way. he definitely feels the pressure of moving in together. if he's a traditional kind of guy, he feels that moving in together is right before the marriage step. Sounds like to me, he doesn't want to mislead you into thinking that he's ready for marriage. Please, just enjoy being friends, and whether things come back around or not, you'll be really glad you can deal with him as a friend (). IMO, he still loves you a lot and wants the best situation for you in life.

Oh yeah, this is also a good time for you to do all that you want to do, find new things that you like in life. I'm glad to hear you say that "...that is take care of me. Because the bottom line is at the end of the day you can't count on anyone but yourself." Good luck with this, I'll say a little prayer for you myself.

 

Sounds like you two have reached an understanding; I would wonder if the two of you may have the basis for a very decent friendship moving forward, and be able to look back with some nostalgia on your first love, a few years from now.

Maybe now both of you will have the basis to develop your independent identities, each shaping your early adult lives in ways that suit you as individuals, rather than trying to move forward in some form of predetermined lockstep. Good luck to you both.

 

I've been dating my girl for 7 years. I'll probably marry her in 2 years when she finally finishes her pharm degree. I don't particularly live with her, but she does come on weekends. I don't think the thought of " I need some space " ever cross my mind nor hers . Upon finishing her degree, my girl will definitely make more money than me and I highly doubt I'd have a problem with that. It sounds to me your BF's excuse is BS (then again, I don't really know him). I think he just want some POOTY TANG out there and afraid to bring it to you like a real man.

 

Well said...

 

I'm sorry that you are going through that. But you will get through it. He may be dealing with a lot of mixed emotions in his life. But like I've said before and learned from, "If it does not work out the first time, it won't work the second time". So you've gone through that period in your life, look at all the positive things about the relationship and see what you have learned from the negative things. And try to make your next relationship even better and start out slower and make that person earn you. I know sometimes you may feel sad about it, but the big man upstairs never brings you to something that you cannot get through and everything happens for some reason. In life a person keeps repeating a lesson until learned. Maybe one day you two will start talking again, but it is up to you on what type of relationship you will have with that person. You never know, maybe after sometime you may just meet the right person when you least expect it and you will know when your head and heart agree and things just seem right. It's time to focus on YOU. Make yourself happy and dont worry about another person. You are so young and in your prime, so go out and have some fun with your girls. And if you dont have any close girlfriends, spend a lot of time with family. That's what I've learned since I moved 1500 miles away from everything I've known. Good Luck sweetie and stay positive.

 

He may be the right one for you, but you may not be the right one for him. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO !!!

Stop holding onto something that is not there. It is a common line for guys trying to dump a girl. "Yup, you are the one, BUT..." If you really love someone, BUTs do not come to your head.

Move onto someone who will love you back, not pretend.

My

 

There is probably someone else, People usually don't jump ship when there aren't any problems unless there is someone to take your place.

 

Yeah i dont buy all that "im just trying to get stability and make sure we have a stable income and secure future." That's BS in my mind. Who really cares how much money you make or how stable you are if you really love the person. But maybe part of it is because you'll be making more money than him and that's insulting to him and he feels less adequate because of it. If so that's sign of a serious insecurity problem and you probably will be better off without that.

 

i just had the same thing happen a while ago. was with a guy for 3 years and we were doing great. Then he just up and said he needed some "space" and up and left after we had just moved in together about six months before. He totally changed his attitude and started being mean and said some really horrilble things. he never did give me a reason why he changed. but now I am trying to move on and be happy again, but it hurts because I would have stayed with him forever. We almost never fought and always had fun.
I understand how you feel.

 

Somebody sent this to me by email:


Dumped! The surprising reasons guys call it quits By Dan Bova

George Costanza claimed to have invented the "It's not you, it's me"
break-up excuse on Seinfeld. But he's certainly not the only man out there who suddenly got spooked and hit the relationship "eject"
button. Here's the scoop on why some relationships abruptly go bust.

1. You play it too cool.
Playing hard-to-get can be an extremely effective device, but you might scare a guy off if you abide too strictly by The Rules. "I went on dates with this woman my buddy set me up with and we had an awesome
time: Great conversations, great kisses. But then she wouldn't return my calls or emails for a couple of days. And it seemed like she always had other plans if I didn't book a date way in advance," says Jim, 29, from Bennington, Vermont. "My buddy kept telling me she was into me, but I couldn't help but feel like she was stringing me along until she found something better. So I stopped calling her. She called me a week later to make sure everything was O.K., but I just broke it off before she could dump me."

Tip: A vital part of the playing hard-to-get game is dropping enough clues (especially to shy guys) that you can be gotten. When you do go out, let him know that you had an amazing time. That way, when you don't jump all over his offer of a last-minute date, he won't think you're just blowing him off.

2. He feels there's something amiss on the s-e-x front Too soon. Not soon enough. Too willing. Not willing enough. The truth is, men have lots of issues with bedroom compatibility. "When you jump right to sex, you skip a lot of the bonding behaviors that intensify a relationship," explains Dr. Pat Love, author of The Truth About Love:
The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever. "I tell people to try and enjoy the ride a little. Don't skip over that romantic, electrifying bonding period."

Beyond bypassing the bonding period, sex can throw other obstacles into a relationship. Chris, 32, from New Haven, Connecticut, broke things off because, he explains, "My ex-girlfriend and I were compatible in every way except sex. I like to spice things up, but she wouldn't go for it. After a while, I just felt rejected. It all went downhill from there."

Tip: If you are presented with a mattress maneuver you're not comfortable with, don't just say "no," suggests Dr. Love, "say what."
Meaning, to avoid making your guy feel rejected, suggest an alternative that would be pleasing to you. This way the guy knows that you're not put off by him, just by the idea of pouring hot wax on his chest.

3. He feels he can't measure up
Ask a room full of single guys if they'd be interested in dating a successful woman with a Beemer in the driveway and a sizeable stash in the bank, and 9 out of 10 will trample you to get to her. But while the fantasy of having a woman who takes you to fancy restaurants and picks up checks bigger than your weekly salary sounds nice, lots of guys can't handle the emasculating feelings that arise. Says Kevin, 30, from New York City, "I met someone at a friend's wedding and we really hit it off. She was a financial executive; I was, and still am, a production assistant just scraping by. She said it didn't matter to her and I tried not to let it matter to me. But whenever she slapped down her platinum card, it just made me feel kind of pathetic."

Tip: So what is a successful single woman to do? Dr. Love advises talking about it honestly—and briefly. "If you want to go out somewhere you know is out of his reach, just say, 'I would like to treat you,' and try not to make a big deal out of it. The more you talk about it, the more he will feel emasculated." And remember, you're not his financial advisor. Let him grab the check every now and again. It might not be good for his bank account, but it'll do wonders for his ego.

4. He feels like he has two mommies
He spent half his life listening to one woman tell him the brown belt doesn't go with the black pants. He doesn't need you to keep at it. "A woman might think she's taking care of her man, but he thinks he's being controlled," says Dr. Love. "When men feel like they are being mothered or being talked down to, it can be very demeaning."

Tip: Want to improve your guy's junky jeans and crappy T-shirt style?
The key to success is properly phrasing your fashion policing. Don't say, "Honey, you'd look so nice in an Oxford shirt." Say, "Oh my God, you'd look so hot in this!" If he thinks buttoning-up equals sex appeal, you can be sure he'll do it.

5. You're moving too fast
When fellas feel like the relationship has gone from zero to "let's move in together" in three seconds, most guys slam on the brakes.
"There is a biological reason why men and women move at different speeds in relationships," says Dr. Love. "During sex, both men and women secrete a hormone called oxytocin, which intensifies feelings of love and the desire to nest. But in men, testosterone counteracts its effects. So afterwards, the woman is lying there feeling like they've bonded for life, while he's wondering what's on ESPN." A woman may feel so connected as a relationship blossoms that she's thinking long-term; the guy, however, may not feel as committed to a future together.

Tip: How best to handle this chemical imbalance? Lay off the Bride's magazine subscription for a while and follow his lead. Let him refer to you as his girlfriend before you call him your boyfriend. Let him suggest your first weekend getaway. If you're with the right guy, his heart will eventually catch up with his hormones.

Dan Bova is a writer and editor based in New York.

 

hate to point this out but the fact that he is moving out of his old apt and live along at a new place doesn't sound very good, if you get my picture.....