Hey all,
My relationship of 18 months just ended this past Sunday. Basically, this was the catalyst: I wasn't a good listener. I would constantly forget that she told me certain things, and I would always confuse details. Over the time that we were together, this was always an issue. I promised to change, but ultimately couldn't.

For the past four months or so, she has been dealing with some significant women's health issues. Thus, she was continously stressed out. Consequently, it affected her mood, naturally when we were together. I attempted to make her feel better by doing things for her (i.e. making/bringing her dinner, just hanging out with her) or just by talking to her.

The situation came to a head Sunday night. She eventually told me that what I had said was inadequate. I failed to be comforting, and be a strong source of support. At one point, she suggested that an ex-boyfriend (who I knew she still spoke with) was more understanding and supportive than me. Naturally, I reiterated my love and caring for her, and that she could count on me for support during this difficult time for her. At one point, she asked if I could change and say the "right things". At that moment, I alluded to the fact that I may not be able to.

According to my now ex-girlfriend, in light of the conversation, she thought it best to end things. She maintained this stance, even after my retraction of my previous statement(s). She went on to add that because of our disagreements (I had some issue with respect to her personality) in this relationship, I was a negative force, bringing negative energy. Because of her medical issues, she did not have the strength to continue on with this relationship. Because my lack of listening skills persisted throughout our relationship, she was unconvinced that I would ever change. She had run out of patience, exceeded her limitations.

Toward the end of the conversation, she said that she would not mind a friendship. She would not be up to trying to work things out, or for a casual relationship.

This is my first serious relationship. I would be up for a casual relationship, but have reservations about a friendship. I think it would be awkward considering that we have a sexual history.

This Monday was fuckin' horrible. The previous night's conversation was on my mind, and I broke down crying in front of my Mom. I ended up breaking down (no pun intended) and calling my now ex. She asked what was wrong, at which point I restated my case. I asked if she still loved and cared about me, to which she responded that she thought she had given up. We ended up talking for another two hours, going around in circles about where we stood. I eventually ended the conversation by suggesting that I would be open for a friendship, and that if she needed anything, to let me know. I also told her to talk care of herself.

The question is: Now what? I am slowly getting resigned to the fact that it is over, but I still have an urge to maintain some sort of contact. Am I torturing myself? I think about what she might be doing, at times I feel like calling her. I have thought about putting my thoughts into a letter. I even thought about dropping this letter off at her house, along with some flowers. I definitely feel an amount of responsibility, but at times I feel a shitload of guilt. What the fuck do I do?

 

Sorry to hear about the relationship. I guess all you can really do now is be a supportive friend to her through her medical crisis. It sounds like she wants more from you than you were giving for the last 18 months and just got tired of it. I'm not saying that what you were doing wasn't enough in general, but maybe just not what she was looking for. If she really doesn't want to start things up again there is not much you can do but try to get yourself some closure and move on.

 

But the thing is, I'm not sure if I could maintain a friendship. I don't want to be in a situation where I always initiate contact. She did mention that if we were to be friends, she would seek to contact me, but she would not try as hard as she had before. It seems like I would be beating my head up against a wall, giving myself false hope, if I were the one to always seek her out. If she wants me to be there for her, part of me thinks that she should reach out to me.

 

I think you just answered your own question then. You have to do whats best for you in the end, and if a friendship with her is only going to hurt you don't do it. You're right in that she should make an effort to get in contact with you if she wants to remain friends. When my X and I split we said we'd be friends but in the end I'd always be the one calling him...it was a really one-sided friendship that only hurt me. I hope you don't put yourself through the same thing

 

first, go punch the ex...j/k

i would be there for her untill you know she's ok (medically) and then slowly end the friendship. it's very hard to be friends with the ex, especially once one of you start seeing someone else. i was "friends" with my ex's for a bit, but it didn't last.

 

group hug

 

What I'm afraid of is having a one-sided friendship. At times, I felt that our romantic relationship was one-sided, as it felt like I was the one to initiate contact. I feel somewhat bitter too, as I think that she heaped guilt on me. I know I was responsible for some things, but "it takes two to tango".

 

i feel you, i was in a similar situation as you a little while back though we broke up for different reasons... i hated not being able to call her, not being able to see her and be with her at first.... then time passed and it got a little better... to make a long story short, we both realized that there weren't any other people out there for us respectively and we got back together after about 10 months.... hopefully she will remember more of the good than the bad and come to the realization that she does love you and want to be with you... dunno wut her medical condition is but i hope she gets through it, my advice to you is to not call her wutsoever and just like u said, let her know you'll be there for her if she needs anything... but at the same time, you can't give off the impression that you are at her beck and call... it's tough but you'll get used to it... good luck bro

 

Fuck all of that lovey dovey shit. She didn't break up with you over that shit, TRUST ME. If her ex wasn't in the picture of if she didn't have another guy jocking her you would be just fine. People tend to say "Oh we broke up over this..." That's not why you broke up because people tend to deal with stupid quirks when they really like someone. Especially girls, if they don't have a back up they usually wont leave unless its unbearable.

Heres what you do, say fuck it! Don't be her friend ever and don't talk to her. If she knows your going to be there at a drop of a dime she will think she owns you and will probably end up using you to make whoever she is with jealous. Go to the gym, get in great shape and find a new girl.

Heres what your probably going to do, what we all did at your age after being dumped. You will stick around and be a "friend" and she will move on to whoever she is currently talking to, and yes she is talking to someone. You need to think about you and go do other shit and say fuck her. Once your mind is on another girl your not going to care about her and trust SHE WILL WANT YOU BACK. Just like she prolly is messing with her ex, people tend to run back to what they left.

So go do you and say fuck her! FUCK HER! don't be a sucker and be guilted into sticking around when she is sick. Yeah it looks good on paper but your gonna end up getting burned.

 

that's the most natural and primitive reaction...saying 'flut it' and try to make her jealous.

I think it would be best to accept that it wasn't meant to be, and something better is lined up for the future for him. most relationsihps don't work out, people date around, it's part of life.

I used to think like this when i was first, let my emotion dictate my actions in relationships, but now i try to think a little farther down the road.

 

typesgearhead

you have some rough days ahead of you, and some potentially long nights, go out and have as much fun as you can for right now

you're lucky man, when i was a young love sick teen, i didnt have the acurazine or the internetS to rely on and get support lol

 

I hate to say it, but I'm not a lovesick teen. This is my first serious relationship, and I am 25. Yeah, I dated around before, but nothing like what I just had.

As far as her ex, I knew she still talked with him, and honestly, it didn't bother me. He lives in socal, and he's married with a child. What bothered me was that she mentioned that he was more understanding with respect to her medical issues.

 

First of all i broke up with my girlfriend about 1 1/2 ago. With the same problem, but without the medical stuff. I wanted to remain friends and stuff, but it ended up being like a task.
So i finally started going to the gym like MikeyTampa said. Then i knew the one thing that would get her off my mind. :blaze: And the rest is history.

You'll be alright man, start hanging out with some buddies and next thing you know you'll be going to college night at some bar and you'll meet some chick and then you'll completly forgot about the ex and you'll have a replacement.

You'll be alright man, if not were here for you man :gheyhug:

 

1) you cannot be regular friends w/ you ex and be happy, it will torture you
2) if you're not a good listener, it will never work between you 2

It might be your "love language" to do things to make her happy, but her happiness is in communication. You'll probably fit best w/ a girl that likes being served but doens't get as offended when you can't remember. But every girl loves a good listener, so do your best to learn. Its not a simple change, but its a skill you can acquire.

 

Today I reached a bit of an epiphany. Needless to say, I have been feeling anxious over these past couple of days, as I have felt this void in my life. At around the middle of the day, the anxiety became too much, and I picked up the phone and called you-know-who.

It was a general conversation, as I just called to say "hey, how are you doing?". She asked how I was doing, how my family was, etc. Ultimately, all the news she gave me was dire. She has found out what she has, in addition to a few other ailments.

What put things in perspective for me was her outlook on the whole thing. It has always been an issue with me that she was pessimistic about many things. She seemed stressed about school, work, and life in general. She would view the negative BEFORE the positive. This outlook has carried over to her situation now. At one point, in our conversation, she mentioned (seriously) that she would rather die before considering a certain course of treatment (she is really into taking vitamins and the whole holistic thing). She has not told her parents about what was going on, and doesn't think she will (she has somewhat of a disconnected relationship with her parents).

The conversation ended by me reiterating why I called her (I was thinking about her, and I wanted to see how she was doing). She said she appreciated me calling. My last words to her were to "keep in touch". What I came away with was that this person, who I had spent the last 18 months with, has such an outlook that is diametrically opposed to mine. I have always felt that no matter what your situation is, you DEAL, you harness the positive energy to move forward. It seemed like my ex-girlfriend doesn't have the strength to deal, or simply just doesn't WANT to deal.

Thoughts people? Is my assessment correct? Did she deliberately sound like this to get rid of me? If she didn't want to talk, why did she pick up the phone?

 

that's just the type of person she is, if she didnt want to talk, she would not have picked up... take it for wut it is, ur epiphany should be enough to convince you of your next course of actions... let it be, do ur thing bro.

 

ya man like looney said, take it for what it is, don't call her man....its the worst thing you can do....just keep urself busy.

 

Somehow, at the risk of opposing the cw on this thread, I doubt the ex-boyfriend had much to do other than serving as a conversational chuck for your ex gf (and, it is easy, perhaps, to be deeply empathetic knowing that your lifecircumstances - wife and kid - clearly spell the boundaries of that empathy. He ain't going to ditch his wife and kid to take care of her......). Sounds as if she is dealing with a massive medical issue, and that, sadly, she has a limited array of a true support team in relation to it. I suspect that your relationship would have been a troubled one (from what you are saying) without the health issues, now it is compounded. Much as you may be touched by her health circumstances, there may not be anything you can do about it, nor, from the distance you now have with her, are you able to discern the viability of the information she is giving you. If it is the "c" word (reading between the lines) the nature of her condition may veer between being relatively mild and treatable to truly life threatening/life ending, but she is not giving you a window into her life, because she feels that you're not repsonsive enough. Are you? She's the one calling that shot, and if she says no, it doesn't matter how illogical it may seem to you, or how hard you have tried.

I might also suggest that, at times, people facing massive health issues push people away from them, rather than drawing them closer. This seemingly ironic or counterveiling behavior derives from a fear of being seen at their worst, the fear of losing the relationship in the ultimate way, the fear of being an emotional burden to someone else. Some folks make the decision themselves, and may not be entirely aware of the way they are casting that decision. She may be rejection you first, fearing that you might reject her later, either out of revulsion or fear or excessive emotional stress. If she is innately pessimistic, she may "drive" to that set of conclusions first, in a manner that is self-defending.

Given that she has called the shot, the ball is in your court. You can either accept that you are going to call her on a purely social basis, or you can cut the relationship off clean. In addition, if it is some form of cancer, there are support groups out there for folks facing those very real issues, where they can go and talk. Medically speaking, those that talk about cancer in a support group have less pain, greater remission and a better potential for an expanded life, confirmed by blind studies, so talking about it with someone else in the same boat helps. The best gesture of friendship for you to her may be to push her in that direction, if she is at all willing. (I'm guessing on the cancer thing, but virtually any major health condition out there has support groups, especially in CA.....)

 

She called me up today. According to her, she just wanted to "say hi". It was only about a five minute conversation, as I was on the way to dinner with some friends. When I mentioned I was in my car driving, she asked what I was doing. I simply said "I have plans". When I told her what my plans were, she asked if it was a date. In the past, she would say that, but in a joking matter. She has always had this irrational fear that I would just use her as practice, then move on to someone that I "really liked".

In retrospective, about a week before we broke up, she said that she had a feeling that she was losing me. Was her breakup with me in the offing? By her calling, should I take it to mean that she misses me? Am I just overanalyzing the situation? Fuck!

 

^^You have to move on. I had the same thing happen to me recently. My girl broke up with me, and after not talking for months, decides to call me on my birthday. It totally screwed with my head. Looking back, I should have just ignored her and moved on.

 

Yes, Yes, and Yes. She's probably ambivalent about breaking up. Do you want to play revolving door with your emotions? If you do, take her seriously. If you don't move on with regrets all around.

 

if you 2 still miss each other, and you both know that you miss each other, plus she calls and wants more details about you going out, something is fishy. The absolute reason for her calling is because she did have some emotional connection to you and still does despite her previously saying that you were not supportive. She still in some way relies on you even though she hasn't admitted it.

Honestly, part of her decision to break up with you is because of her unstable emotional state at the moment and to some respect, you might have been there to her liking. She still loves you. In all actuality, she still wants to be with you. When she asked were you going out on a date, that's when the convo should have turned into a convo about what is going on between you two because who is she to ask about if you're going on a date. She might not tell you that she wants you back because you were somewhat a supportive branch.

She ultimately needs someone in her life that will shine some light on her serious situation. She needs someone who she can express herself to, and have them listen because her negativeness is seriously taking every part of her life.

 

I know exactly what you are talking about...I have to fight the urge to call my , i'm not sure what to call him, everyday..I love him more than anything in the world, but we don't want the same things in life and are not even in the same book right now...i have to pray just about every second of the day for jesus to take the urge from me and to give me his strength...dude, it is the HARDEST thing in the world for me...and that is saying alot...I am a single mother of 4 and nothing compares to fighting the urge of maintaining contact with the love of your life. I will pray for you and if you need to talk PM me... I wish I could say it would get better, but I don't know that it does.

 

Alright people,
Check this out. My ex and I have been engaging in conversation back and forth ever since we broke up. I saw her last night, and it was cool. We just got together for coffee and chatted. Later on, I got the urge to send her something for Valentine's Day, so I sent her an ecard.

Later on Monday evening, I get a message from her on my voicemail to call her. So I do. She thanks me for the ecard, but she says that she needed clarification on the following.

Now before I get to what my ex needed clarification on, a little backstory: it turns out that a family friend worked with my ex's sister. This friend has since moved on to a different job, but she still maintains contact with her co-workers.

Now, back to the conversation with my ex: according to my ex, my family friend told a former co-worker that I had broken up with my girlfriend (who's sister is a former collegue of this family friend). The reason for the breakup: that my ex was talking with an ex-boyfriend, who is now married with a child.

Apparently, my ex-girlfriend did not want the rumor floating around that her actions spelled the demise of our relationship. Therefore, my ex wanted to know if I had spoken to this friend, what I had told my parents about the breakup, etc. I have nothing to hide, so I was honest and told her what I told them.

Ultimately, I reiterated the responsiblity for certain actions, but I suggested that she had issues as well that disrupted our relationship. Our conversation then degenerated into flinging accusations at each other. Basically, this girl does not want to assume ANY responsibility.

After about an hour on the phone, I had had enough. I said that I had said my peace, and I wasn't going to allow her to place ALL of the guilt on me. I said I had a school assignment to finish up, and that I needed to go. With that, I said goodbye.

What I came away with from the conversation was the following: this person does not think she did anything wrong in this relationship, and that I am the ONLY one that fucked up along the way. In addition, this girl wants to cast herself as a VICTIM, a person who is always wronged in some way. In fact, I was shocked when at one point she suggested that our relationship was an abusive one.

So, thoughts people? Am I a fuckin' idiot for feeling a sense of longing for a person who is all about victimhood?

 

Wasting your time with this 'you're not as good as my ex who is married with a kid' bitch is a flutting waste o' your life.

Hope things are better down the road for you.

 

umm...complex situation you have there...

in my opinion, you need to clarify certain things...

1) do you really love this girl and are you willing to challenge all means just to be with her?
2) is this the type of a life-partner that you want for yourself after knowing how her behavior has been lately

i really can't advise you as to what's the best thing to do because it clearly depends on what you want...if you want to be with the girl and you are willing to wait for her, and if she's willing to wait to see what happens, then it would be best to maintain some sort of friendship...i know it is hard as i have been through that myself, but i was able to do it for 2 and a half years and then i eventually just broke down and found another girl (which by the way is the BEST thing that happened in my life)...

now if you see her behavior currently, you might have to ask urself one question...has she always been like this over the 18 months or is this behavior just coming out now becuase of her medical situation...keep in mind that she is seriously ill (in a medical way) so some of her behavior might be caused by that...that's what you need to identify...is this really her or is her sickness causing this f*cked up behavior...once you determine that you will have a better idea as to what to do...

it seems as if you really love this girl and miss her which you obviously will after a break-up, but it also seems that her behavior is getting to you and it's just creating more frustration/anger inside you...

i don't know the girl's sickness but if i were you, i would do this...prioritize...first, it's more important for her to get better (if she can) than worry about a relationship...so as a FRIEND, you could help her in feeling better about herself...don't even mention anything about the relationship, talk to her just as you would if you were friends with any other girl...i know that's difficult but not impossible...this can actually work in your favor if you want to get back with her...because if you talk to her as a friend and are supportive and a good listener, then she might realize over time that she made a wrong decision and you guys would get back together...or it could go the other way...you will realize with time that this girl is probably not the one of "your dreams" and you may slowly drift yourself away...

but first things first...you need to help her with this sickness that she has...as a caring friend...nothing more, just a friend...so it's okay if you guys have the urges to call each other and stuff...and of course she is not going to take blame for anything that went wrong in the relationship...she has a serious illness, the last thing she wants is more pressure on herself...

now this is all assuming that she is REALLY ILL....otherwise if she isn't that ill then she might just be playing games, but we can't determine that...u need to determine it...but my final words are that you should be friends with her and just support her...be with her to help her get over her sickness...it's okay if her ex is also helping her out, ohh well...can't do much about it...you could do your best and just help her out as a friend...once this illness gets cured (if it does), then think about relationships...i don't want to sound like a prick, but let's say if this sickness gets worse and you are in a relationship with her, then in the end it's going to end up hurting you IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS...so it may be better to step outside the circle and just be a friend....

so go ahead, be her friend, but control your emotions/feelings...live your life, do whatever you like to do, work on things you are passionate about, meet other people and just live life to the fullest...but at the same time, support her...if it's meant to be, then it will be...only time can do the trick...

 

Dude i was in the same boat as you 2 months ago. We talked and started blaming eachother and then we started yelling and when just before i got off the phone with her, i was like ok blame everything on me, its ok, its all my fault and said good bye. After i got off the phone i reminded myself that's why we aren't together.

Forget about her man, you are better off with out her. She can't take any responibilty for her part in the relationship

 

The acrimony continues (I hope it ends): I called her the day after our conversation (the one about the gossip). I just called to say hi, and when she answered the phone , she still sounded angry over what I said. She still wanted to know why I had to told her "it was her loss" in regards to our relationship ending.

The funny thing is: if she was 100% sure about breaking up with me, why would she be bothered if I made such a comment?

Again, this conversation became a game of tit-for-tat, trading accusations back and forth. Eventually, I asked if there was going to anything (friendship) between us. She responded by saying that she couldn't be friends with a negative person (?). She said the only reason I called her was to make sure that she was hurting (wtf?). I could rehash the reasons she has cited to support her judgment of me as a negative person, but you could read the entire thread.

I simply responded to her by saying that she was all about victimhood. She was going to portray herself as a complete victim, not being culpable for ANYTHING. She said the only thing that happened was that she got sick. In closing, I suggested that she surround herself with people that would support her worldview (that of victimhood). With that, I did not say have a good day, but GOODBYE. I then hung up the phone, not giving her a chance to respond. I am done with this girl!

 

Alright people,

It's been a bit rougher than I expected. Last weekend was tough. I thought about her all the time, and came very close to calling her, despite how our last conversation ended. The guilt that plagued me during the unraveling of our relationship RETURNED.

This week I had off from work, and it was more of the same: thinking about her all the time. This is despite the fact that I have been working out regularly, and completing homework for my graduate courses.

I ultimately poured all of my raw, complex, and conflicting emotions in a letter. In this letter, I restated my love for her, and reminded her of how she has affected my life. This letter can be considered a last-ditch effort, because I asked if there was any way that we could get back together.

I find myself clinging to a bit of (false) hope. I guess I need the door slammed in my face ONE MORE TIME.

Do y'all think she will respond to the letter? I don't care if the response is positive or negative. I just want her to REJECT ME OUTRIGHT. I want her to tell me, EXPLICTLY, that its over, and she doesn't want to see or hear from me again.

 

Just what I have gleanied form the post...

You are an alright guy.

She is an alright girl.

You have your faults and you have your strengths...as does she. However, in this particular case, those faults and strengths do not mesh.

 

i know what you're going thru right now cuz i'm in the same boat. i would advise you not to communicate with for for a while. It's hard cuz you miss her and all, and u feel empty and lonely, but if you keep talking to her it will just drag out your pain longer.
Just hang in there ok.

 

Chalk it up as experience.

That and never let your GF talk to her ex. He's been undermining you from the get-go.

And you can't be friends with her, move on man....move on.

 

I received a response to my letter today. In short, she said that there is nothing that I could do to get back together with her. She summarized that our personalities were just too different. She went on to explain that the reason that I was feeling the way I was was due to the fact that this was my first serious relationship.

She became very condescending in the letter, claiming that she has felt really connected to her body, spiritually and physically. She has realized how thankful she is to have the friends that she has. She even went on to mention that one particular friend has been EXTREMELY SUPPORTIVE. It should be noted that I had met this friend, only to find out later that I rubbed her the wrong way.

In closing, she said goodbye, and to take care of myself. Judging from the dynamics of the letter, this is definitely closure. In addition, I thought, what a bitch.

 

She is right in one respect, you feel this way because this was your first serious relationship. Learn from it and move on. Learn to communicate better (all women want to be able to talk about things) You have a good head on your shoulders and have nothing to be ashamed of, just take this as a life lesson and go forward with your life. Trust me, you will not be able to be friends with this girl, there will always be emotions in the way (first real loves are that way for about everyone). Enjoy life, have some fun and enjoy the next relationship that comes along even more.....

 

Don't feel bad about the last ditch effort. Some of us will always make one and sometimes it takes the door slamming in your face one more time to get it. Or sometimes it takes coming close to death to realize that you are worth more than how that person is treating you or supposedly loving you. I thought I had the perfect love of my life that he would always be there no matter what, because that is what I had done for him for so long. It wasn't until I almost died that did I realize God has something so much better for me and I can't wait to recieve it. Now, does that make the pain go away and last shorter....HELL NO!!! But it allows me to know that God is in control and if I let him, he will show me someting better. Thanx for letting me rant!!