Hello all,

After three years of job hunting, lay-offs and relocation, my wife and I are getting divorced. We have been separated for more than six months. The final decision was made last night.

I was upset last night, but am totally devastated (sp?) today.

For those of you, male or female, that have been through this, what should I expect, when, if ever, does the hurt subside?

This will be the first time EVER in my family tree someone will be divorced.

She wants to sell the house and I am fine buying her out, but at the same time, I am not sure if I would want to live there anymore.

Any thoughts, comments, etc. would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance for kind commentary.

PS - Obviously, I must have some issues if I am pouring my heart out to a bunch of guys on a car board.

 

Sorry to hear about that, man. It sounds like you've been through a rough couple of years lately.

I've never been in that situation, and don't have any pearls of wisdom for you. I just hope everything gets better for you soon.

As far as "pouring your heart out to a bunch of guys on a car board"... yeah we talk about cars, but we're also here for you when you need a shoulder to lean on.

 

Oh man, hang in there man! In life, everything happens for a reason, just keep the faith and stay strong. I wish you the best.

 

oh shit emu, sorry to hear about that man.... like fla-tls, i'm can't tell u anything cuz i've never been in that situation.... but hope everything turns out ok for you.

good luck, let us know if we can help u in any way.

 

"For those of you, male or female, that have been through this, what should I expect, when, if ever, does the hurt subside? "

Yes, of course it will...someday you'll look back and say, im glad this was done, it was for the better, and im happier now!

 

Thanks guys, I appreciate your responses. This situation has been absolutely horrible!

I'll keep you posted.

Anyone here an attorney? I'd love to hear a legal opinion. Thanks, again.

 

FYI, the best thing you can do when your depressed is to

A: excercise
B: Sleep

try that...

 

Sorry to hear that Emmu. Time is a big healer. Get yourself more in your hobbies. This time will pass, you'll look back and laugh.

 

C: and drive!!! (but not after drinking)

 

Thanks for the tips, guys. I wish I could still do the C: Drive.

I had a TL Type-S Navi and SLK-320 6MT, but they were sold and I am left with a grandpa Mercury Mountaineer. The SUV was/is my everyday car and the others were for fun, and when the job situation got fuc*$d up, I had to keep what was most practical. I wish I kept the Type-S, but three trannies in 8,000 miles made me uncomfortable.

I'll work on the exercise.

 

doooode...i didnt say you had to 'drive an acura'

just go drive! windows down, music on, flash your ta ta's to the truckers...be free!!!

 

Thats sucks man, sorry to hear that Time heals all wounds and once you realize that you are better off without her, you'll start feeling better.

 

I went through a separation and divorce almost 4 years ago. I understand what you're going through and you have all of my sympathy. The first 6 months were the darkest of my life. My friends told me the pain would go away in time and for the most part, they were right. I still feel some pain from time to time because I truly, deeply loved my wife and was shocked beyond words when she told me she wanted out . . . Needless to say, our family and friends were shocked, too. Unfortunately, she said she married me for the wrong reasons and I don't want to be married to someone who doens't want to be married to me.

We filed for divorce almost one year after we separated. I couldnt afford to buy her out of the house, so we sold it. I was living in it by myself after she left and haven't seen it since I moved out. Can't bear to see it because it reminds me of the life I used to have. You have to ask yourself if you can consider living there and remembering that you spent a major portion of your life there. Can you also consider starting up a new relationship while living in the house you shared with your wife?

Do you have kids? Is the divorce on reasonably polite terms re dividing possessions, etc? In CA, we were able to file the papers ourselves because there was no dispute re anything - we divided everything beforehand and we had no kids. Only cost $400 through one of those DIY legal centers. The wait for an uncontested divorce in CA is 6 months. Divorce attorneys are expensive here. A friend of mine was quoted $4k for the retainer.

I can't promise when things will get better. I know that my experience changed me. I don't worry about a lot of things as much as I used to because this was as bad an experience I could ever have. I also wonder when I will be as happy as I used to be when I was married. All that I can promise you is that you will look back at this point and wonder how you found the strength to pull through this time . . . remember that family and friends are there to help you, too.

Good luck.

 

Wow, RH, thanks a lot.

We talked about an uncontested divorce. What did you mean by a six month waiting period.

We also do not have any kids, just the house a dog and some furniture. I am not sure if it will be feasible to buy her out of the house with an unstable income, but it is just one of the options I am considering. If I cannot buy her out, I may just move altogether to put this behind me. Time will tell.

Thanks again for the candid comments.

 

From the time we signed the papers to receiving the official notice from the court, it was a six-month wait, even though it was uncontested. It's like a cooling-off period . . . I think so both parties have a chance to work things out before the divorce becomes absolutely official. Opposite of those quickie weddings/divorces that you can get overseas. Hopefully, you can come to an agreement re your property. I'm still on decently civil terms with my ex. If she calls and wants to have dinner to play catch-up, I can do so. Unfortunately, the fact that we're still friends doesn't make me feel any better about the whole situation. Just sad, even 4 years later.

 

Aww crap. Another one down.

First off - get an attorney NOW. do it NOW. I'm gonna be hard on you like my boys were to me (only I didn't listen and got took for over 100K.) Even now her friends are telling her "take him for all he's worth, hurt him, take everything"

she will try and take you for everything. And I do mean everything (all assets, future wages, earnings, etc) She is on the warpath of making your life misery.

So use that anger and FIGHT! She can't muck with you, she can't hurt you, you are strong.


One word of advice I have for you - forget the hurt, use that anger you have and turn it into a motivating emotion. Don't cave, don't try and "take care of her", she screwed you and the only thing you need to do right now is protect yourself. You must get into self preservation mode.

Protect yourself. The house is a joint asset and should be sold (otherwise she'll try and have it appraised for higher than its worth, looking at it from a straight asset standpoint) You can't live there anymore nor can you just buy her out because that doesn't count for the realestae fees, taxes, etc. You guys must sell it.

Good luck.

 

No offense, but I hope - for your sake - that spidey07 is wrong. It is possible to have an amicable divorce without either person getting screwed over. My ex wasn't out to get me, but didn't want to stay in a marriage that would ultimately make both us of us very unhappy.

 

I hope so to. But I'm the voice of reality.

When it comes to women who want divorce reality doesn't have anything to do with it. Most (IMHO) just play the "let's make this reasonable" because that's what their attorney and friends tell them how to play it.

Once they want out they are no longer the person you know. They are and evil vindictive person bent on their own selfish desires - they are in "self protect" mode as well.

 

I'm sorry that you had that experience. It must have been pretty bad for you to have you say these things.

Neither of us hired an attorney and we were able to sit down and settle things like one would hope adults can. Unfortunately, I also have friends who have had experiences just like yours . . .

 

spidey, you're very angry...and hurt, we can all understand that, we're there any lessons that you learned that you can share with emu and all of us, perhaps something that can be done so everyone will win?

(not trying to belittle your situation, or sound insensitive...but emu is asking for positive advice)

 

and eat ?

 

Very sorry to hear that.
Hope you get over it soon and find a greener pasture.

 

if you eat, you should excercise!

 

Thanks for the data, Spidey. She says she wants it to be amicable. I can definitely see your point.

After we got married we still maintained our SEPARATE bank accounts and credit cards. All we have together aside from the house is some furniture and a dog.

She has been gone for more than six months. Does anyone know if there are any laws pertaining to abandonment? She is living in another state with her parents.

Thanks again.

 

I made the mistake of still trying to care for her and make sure she was OK. Trying to be an adult and handle it the way I thought two adults should (we were 32)

But all the time I was being played. Secretly setup and comitting to things that I thought were "best for both of us."

In trying to make it quick and painless for both our sakes, I got took for everthing I had.

So the only advice I can give is, protect yourself and only yourself. She is a different person and not the woman you once knew and loved. With a good attorney you can have something to live off of and they can also be a good third party who protects your best interests. Sure it sounds selfish, but that's my take on it.

All my friends told me the same (they were in their late 30s, early 40s, went through it) and I didn't listen. And I got took.

 

Your attorney can answer these questions because they are different state to state.

Please get an attorney and setup an appointment on Monday morning.

Also - keep up the routine, see your friends, lean on them, eat, make sure you get plenty of rest and excercise. I lost 40 pounds (210 to 170 at 6'3). Get out and try not to stare at the walls 24x7.

 

Thanks, I have been doing the stare for more than 12 hours.

I will call an attorney Monday, AM. Thanks.

 

u r just 34, lots of life ahead of you man~

time to find another one~

 

Hey Emu,

I feel your pain, buddy. This is my story:

Last May my wife found out that her best friend (who has been her best friend since childhood) had stage 4 malignant melanoma. So, my wife took a bunch of time off from work and spent almost the entire summer in her friend's hometown, helping her through treatments and sitting at her bedside at the hospital. My wife also ended up spending an extraordinary amount of time with her friend's husand, who was obviously there for the entire ordeal.

My wife's friend unfortunately died in mid August, and about 2 weeks after I caught my wife in an affair with her friend's husband.

The weird thing about it is that we dated for 6 years and have been married for 2.5 years and we have never had any kind of problem. Not even a hint of a marital problem. In fact, my wife came home a couple times during the summer (including a visit 3 days before her friend died) and was very happy and excited to see me, and it was obivous that she missed me.

It's almost like the moment her friend died, she turned off the switch for me and turned on the switch for her friend's husband.

Needless to say, I'm crushed. This is like getting hit by a bus that you don't see coming.

My wife moved out of our house a couple weeks ago, and we're barely talking now. She talks to this guy hours a day. In fact, I snooped at her cell phone bill and it had $2000 worth of charges over the past month, all long distance calls to this guy. I'm not sure what my wife's plan is, but it looks like I'm going to be going it alone soon.

 

OMG, that is an awful story. I am terribly sorry. This is sooooo hard for me, I can imagine it is still difficult for you. Sorry!

 

this is sad man, i am sorry for you too

but glad you are still young, hope you can go over it soon~

to me this relationship is probably over coz things have already happened, hope you will look forward and be strong~

 

Sorry to hear of your loss... but its a big win for you... Positive advice coming: GO OUT AND PARTY YOUR ASS OFF... and STICK YOUR FACE IN SOME it'll make you kind of forget... I wouldn't know anything about divorce... or about breaking off a long term relationship like that... 1. because i'm not even married yet... 2. Because i'm to young to think of those things... 3. i can't think of anything else for 3 but i'm sure it will come as the years of being married go by...

Anyways, i think you two should just split everything 50 50... just because you don't have kids... if you had kids it would of been harder... child support... custody... etc... then that would of sucked... about just moving on... i think you should go find your self a nice pair of to sink yourself into and let your anger out hitting it as hard as you can... take your anger out on the poonany... it qualifies as Exercise!!!

 

Thanks, I am not sure if I am up for that, but the advice has been taken.

 

ahhah spooky! you rock man!, lol

always down to party!

 

Sorry to hear this news, Emu. In my 22 years of counseling couples (I'm a Baptist Minister), I never get used to hearing it. I believe that couples can make things work out if they really want to but it takes two to do it. I do know that the only thing that will heal your wounds is time - partying, driving, etc may provide brief escapes but you will always return to the pain. I also know that what spidey said is unfortunately true. The reality is that you need someone to walk you through all the financial ramifications divorce brings on. It will affect everything you own, including any retirement funds. Let us know how things progress and I want you to know that I will be praying for you.

 

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am always up for a good drive, but the other stuff is not my cup of tea, especially now!

The retirement piece will be interesting, fortunately or unfortunately, I have not been at a job long enough to contribute to any retirement accounts. Although, I did have one from previous jobs.

Thank you very much.

The hurt has not really subsided as I enter day three.

 

did you really expect it to be gone that fast? these things take time man. Not to worry, it will be better later in time.

 

No, of course not. I am just venting.

 

I married my highschool sweet heart. When we meet we’re both only 16 years old. We’re together for 8 ½ years before she got a new job and then a new boyfriend. (Damn work) It took me "over 2 years" before I was over her, but now I’m much happier then I was ever before. I have a great girl now, with a great family. I actually meet this girl about 4 months after my wife filled for divorce.

I’ll I can say is, divorce sucks man! I couldn’t even brush my teeth without gaging in the morning. I workout twice a day and focused on making money. (Of course to make her jealous) But she also did the same buy getting a boob job and a boat. (Damn bitch always wins) After all this time she still calls me, it kinda plays mine tricks on me but that’s ok.

I’ve been with this girl for about 2 years now and she’s Incredible. (oh did I tell you she loves women to!) Work is better then ever and I have everything I want in life except kids. Their's so much more to my story but i'll be here all weekend. Just workout (I went from 210 to 181 in a month) and Even if you hate women right now, the only thing that made me feel better was by going out with them.
If you have any questions feel free to P.M. me......I've been their to......Oh and yes i'm back up to about 208 now, but thats comfort for you.

 

Hmm, that is an interesting story. Well, I knew divorce was far too common, but I guess a lot of my TL brothers are in the same boat.

It is 2:09 and I am still in bed. I got out to eat lunch, but it sounds like I need to get moving.

Thanks for sharing your story.