mesmerize

hi y'all! i hope some of you still remember me... i kinda disappeared from here for a while! anyway, i have a problem that i've been feeling very conflicted about for a while now, and i've run out of people to ask for advice... so i'm hoping some of you can help me. this is a kinda long story, but i'll try to condense it as much as i can. and i'll stick some cliff notes in at the end too.


BACKGROUND:

last december, i met a guy (i'll call him Ben) who was friends with the guy i was dating at the time. Ben and i became friends, but that was mostly just because we all hung out with the same group of people. fast forward a couple months... the guy i had been dating broke up with me, the girl Ben had been dating broke up with him, and pretty much everyone in our group of friends quit hanging out.

a few weeks later, Ben called me up, wanting to hang out. that was fine with me -- he had always seemed like a cool guy, super nice, and i knew we were totally just friends. well pretty soon we were hanging out a LOT... several times a week at least. i wasn't complaining, mostly because i've only lived in this area for a year & don't know TONS of people here... it was nice to have someone to go out with & have fun with all the time.

so that went on for a couple months... by this time, he had told me that he liked me a lot, but i told him i just wanted to be friends because... first, i really considered him to be a very close friend and didn't want to jeopardize that. second, i just didn't really have feelings for him.

then, one drunken night, i got stupid and kissed him. dumb, i know... but sometimes when you're SUCH good friends with someone, the friendship/relationship lines start to blur a little bit. anyway, he IMMEDIATELY jumped into relationship-mode. he was calling me his "girlfriend" within a week. and i just kinda went along with it, mostly because i had kinda missed being in a relationship... such a baaad reason!

things accelerated VERY quickly... he told me he loved me about 2 weeks later (if ya can't tell by now, this guy has major relationship issues and is extremely clingy). this made me sooo uncomfortable, and obviously i didn't say it back. i started feeling horrible about the whole situation, and especially about the fact that our friendship was deteriorating. i really did NOT want to be in a relationship with him anymore, but i knew he'd flip out if i broke up with him.

finally about 2 months ago i told him i wanted us to go back to just being friends. he seemed okay with it at first, then 24 hours later turned into the asshole from hell. without going into too much detail, i'll just say that he *really* screwed me over. i NEVER would've thought he would even be capable of acting the way he did... especially since the day before he had still been saying how much he loved me. but one of our mutual friends told me that he was SO emotional and upset that he couldn't "handle" talking to me.

i was so upset... i couldn't believe he could just throw away our friendship & everything... especially since i tried to be SO careful about hurting his feelings when i broke up with him. i kept telling him how much i still wanted us to be friends. this happened 2 months ago and i haven't talked to him since.


THE PROBLEM:

i can't stop feeling like maybe i should still try to be friends with him. i mean, he was pretty much my best friend for a while, and i hate the fact that we don't even talk anymore. then i start remembering what an ass he was to me, and i think "why on earth would i WANT to still be friends with him?!" then i remember all the good times we had before we started dating, and i reconsider.

ughhh i just need to make up my mind! that's what i need help with... i just thought that maybe someone else would see it differently & have some advice... maybe?

(by the way, i'm 99% sure that he would be open to trying to be friends again if *i* initiated it... i'm pretty sure he wouldn't have the nerve to initiate it on his own. so the ball's pretty much in my court here.)

thank you for any advice you can give me... ~sara~


CLIFF NOTES:

- i was best friends with a guy for a while
- start dating him (bad decision)
- i wasn't really into him, but he was in love with me
- i broke up with him
- he turned into an ass and we stopped talking
- now i feel bad that our friendship ended, and i keep wondering if i should try to talk to him again

Whiskers

Watch this^^

Chinisimo

i'm so glad you have included cliffs.

so now that he's an ass, why do you still wanna be friends w/ him? unless you wanna get back at him when he's least expected

cM3go

you subconciously like him, stop denying it

astro

oh how we've missed that avatar

I think it's likely he won't be able to handle just being friends. Sorry to say, it's likely over if he's really how you describe.
I would imagine having said he loved you so quickly, he hasn't any idea what it's all about, and that's just not going to end well.

my you've got to stop feeling guilty, and just accept that you've lost a friend.

mrsteve

iTrader: (1)

Sounds like he has issues. I never understood why guys are assholes when they get dumped. As if that's gonna win her over again by being a dick. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who acted like that.

Move on to someone new. His true colors were shown when you broke up with him. Most likely he knew he wanted to date you from the moment he first called to hang out. Then he was just building up the confidence to ask you out, playing his cards right, etc. But then he didn't have to do that because you kissed him first. The guy has serious relationshpi issues. Seems like you're one of his first relationships and from what you've said it wasn't even that serious (because you're heart wasn't in it).

gary_william

cliff notes for your cliff notes:

fuck him.
he should be dead to you.

Scottman111

Sara,
I honestly can't see a reason why he deserves to hang out with you again. He knew exactly what he was doing when he was trying to screw you over after you broke up with him. I say don't even give him the time of day to talk to him again. I know we're all being a little bit harsh on him, but this guy obviously has some issues that he needs to deal with.

I hope you take our advice seriously

Teh Jatt

these are the same cliff notes for my situation, but I dont know if she feels bad that we don't talk much like we used too. Oh and I never turned into an ass.

SDCGTSX

How the hell did you screw YOU over after you dumped him? Outside of burning your house down, giving you an STD, or I know.... he spread naked pictures of you. That's the only thing I can think of to screw an ex.

But here's the truth. If this ex of yours has any self-respect, he won't want to be just friends with you. Why would he want a constant reminder that someone he says he once loved rejects him as a man? To be just friends only works if both sides want to be friends. If one side has feelings then it just doesn't work. And to want to be just friends is a selfish thing for you. Believe me, while you think he would be "friends" again if you initiated, what he would really be thinking is that it's a chance for him to get back together with you. Read some of the needy clingy guy's posts of situations where girls dump them and they try to get back together over and over again.

Locojr

You might be able to stay friends in the short term. However, unless he finds a new girlfriend or is really mature, when you start dating a new guy your ex probably won’t be able to handle the situation and will give you more trouble.

65 Fury Convert

Sara:
He just won't be able to understand that you are friends and you only wanted to be friends all along. He will never ever ever understand that. This relationship, both pre and post "kiss", was doomed. He wanted one thing and you wanted another. You need to just move on - no no strike that HE needs to move on.
Good luck in your situation.

SG81

iTrader: (1)

you should have set it straight from here and let him know that wasn't what you wanted. btw, how old is he? he sounds young

Nicky Pass

He sounds....a little...ummmmmmmm insecure!

ludachrisvt

iTrader: (2)

yes, I want to know what he did to "screw you over" as well?

Loopa

I would say since the feelings were pretty much one sided, you probably wouldn't be able to stay friends really. You would probably feel okay about it all down the road if you just talked to him honestly and tell him that you were confused about your feelings all along and you are sorry if you hurt his. I try to follow the saying "Once it's a pickle, it can never be a cucumber again". Some things you just can't change back.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Ha sounds like he has issues. And, unfortunately, if you go back to being friends, it's just a matter of time before he tries to get involved with you again. My advice is to move on. He's a lost cause.

CL Platano

Yeah just forget about it..You're in school you'll find plenty of people to hang with.

stphy32

Been there, done that.

This just happened to me this past summer. I met the guy in college, we lived on the same floor, and became best friends... well he always liked me... I mean he is a great person and I dont know but I figured oh what the heck I will give it a try (4 years later)... well I swear once we decided to try to make it work he became like over-protective and controlling. Totally wasnt having it and we got into a huge fight and our friendship ended...

Needless to say he sent me a "havent spoke to you in awhile, how are you" text message a month ago... I wrote him back a few days later and he never responded... He probably still is mad at me for ending it..

I wish he would just get over it but sometimes they dont. You could try but dont sweat it. I mean if he cant forgive you for being honest with him then you dont need him as a friend. I know it hurts cuz you care but its his loss

mc_yanzo

He never wanted to be your friend. He wanted to be your boyfriend the whole time. This is how it usually works.

Andrea25

you won't be able to be friends until he gets over it...that could take a very long time..
i know it sucks, but he's just too hurt right now and no one knows when that's going to go away..(i'm guessing maybe a year or 2)
all you can do is maybe send him a letter, apologize for what happened (you dated him when you knew you weren't that into him) tell him he's a good friend and you wish you could be friends when he's ready...let him come to you...

doopstr

Meh, kick to curb.

esCarbonie

you should just give him BJ's whenever you see him, its the polite way to remain freinds

mrsteve

iTrader: (1)

spidey07

yep.

also, lesson learned that men and women can't be friends.

If a guy wants to be your friend he wants to nail you.

Ashburner

Yep, the friends thing isn't going to work. Put yourself in his situation and imagine pretty much being dumped.

What happens when you get a new b/f? You think he is just going to pretend it doesn't hurt?

Mike 350Z

Best quote ever!

mrsteve

iTrader: (1)

You're actually right. I can't think of a single female friend I wouldn't sleep with.

mesmerize

thanks for the advice guys

he definitely does have issues. i knew this long before we started dating. he can't stand to be alone, he constantly jumps from one relationship to another. and yes he's very insecure. he was actually in counseling when we first started hangin out, mostly as a result of his previous breakup.

and i know he sounds kinda young and immature, but he's actually the same age as me (25). of course we all know that age has nothing to do with maturity.

and for the record, i truly DON'T have feelings for him... i never really did to begin with, plus there is just something sooo unappealing about a guy who is SO needy and insecure. he's that prototypical "insecure-guy-with-issues-who-whines-about-how-nice-guys-finish-last."

i guess this really is just a lost cause... i'm just the kind of person who always has to try to "work things out" even when it's pretty obvious they aren't worth salvaging. i just always feel like i should at least TRY. maybe i just need to give it more time and then i'll get over it... it's hard though because we still have a few mutual friends, and i know i'll run into him eventually -- so i can't totally block this situation out of my mind.

blah

1killercls

did you guys do the deal?

ludachrisvt

iTrader: (2)

:IBladdertheory:

ludachrisvt

iTrader: (2)

^^ duh ...

DDT-TypeS

two words: FUCK BUDDY

I never understood why girls always make shit like, "I have such a dear guy friend". FUCK THAT. If you aren't going to be intimate with the guy, fuckin' don't hang out. Men and women cannot "hang out" and stay friends. PLEASE. You know shit will happen. At least for guys, we always feel there is a chance if the girl is hanging around. And for kissing the guy, why do that and expect him NOT to make it nothing more than friends. Guys don't think like girls do. Especially when you dick him over like that, he'll turn against you. so if any girls wishes to have guys friends as "best friend"...speaking in terms of opposite sex, then you you're asking for a fuck buddy. Stop the cherades and either shit or get off the pot. I hate it when girls keep guys hanging.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "JUST A CLOSE AND DEAR FRIEND" thing...at least not to guys...unless they are GAY.

dom

spidey07

Face it. Not your problem anymore. You didn't do anything wrong and crap got ugly. So distance yourself from the drama and never speak to him again so the message is very clear.

On a lighter note, if you resemble your avatar I'd really like to be your friend

Python2121

and I couldn't have said it better

and how i miss that avatar

mesmerize

just a lil note on the whole "if-a-guy-wants-to-be-your-friend-he-wants-to-nail-you" issue... i used to believe this theory because, well, that's what everyone told me. then there was this guy that i had a SERIOUS crush on for quite a while. we went to high school together, but didn't really start talkin til the year after we graduated. i was away at college most of the time, but we'd always hang out whenever i would be home on breaks. just "semi-date" kinda stuff, but nothing ever happened and he had other girlfriends from time to time.

then he went into the air force and moved really far away, but every time he came back to visit we'd hang out again... finally last year i decided i HAD to tell him i had feelings for him. plus all our friends said they 'knew' he liked me anyway, so i started thinkin "what are we waiting for?" so i finally just came out and told him... it was hands down THE most awkward conversation of my life. long story short, he told me he only likes me as a friend. completely squashing all my theories.

i've never been able to figure out what happened -- how i could totally misread someone like that. any thoughts on this? and NO he's not gay.

DDT-TypeS

If you are hot and he's single with no fuck buddy AND you have expressed yourself to him yet he turned you down, HE'S GAY.

Or you are just not attractive enough for him and he has spent his load already. I use to have this one chick dig me in high school. I'd hit it but I couldn't cause she was not attractive at all. The feeling for us guys is like having sex with a girl during her period...I will blast my load but afterwards, it's just fucking gross.

But the theory still remains true.

mesmerize

i really don't think it was an issue of attractiveness... i don't like to bring up that kinda stuff because i don't want to come off seeming like i'm full of myself... but i've seen other girls that he's dated in the past, and they were pretty average looking. and he's fairly good looking, but not what most girls would consider "hot"... i just really liked him though.

and i *swear* he's not gay!! he's dated other girls and i know him pretty well...

DDT-TypeS

Nothing wrong with being bisexual either. Perhaps he digs ugly chicks. You are too good looking for him. Just ask YOURSELF, what is it about the guy you find attractive...what qualities does he have you find attractive. Sounds like you just have a crush on him. I use to have this crush on this chick I thought was cute. After the crush wore off, I realised she wasn't cute at all. What the fuck was i thinking. When you have feelings for someone, it tends to make that person better than they really seem. I'd say the best thing to do is leave him alone and move on to greener grass.

Wait, what the fuck am I doing trying to dish out suggestions...it's best to take a break and come back later and see if the feeling is still the same. You'd never know but some other hotter guy might have a crush on you.

Most importantly is to stay away from guys on this board. Most are after your poon and most will not think twice about a hit and run. Anyway, you know your friend could really just be not interested at all in you. MOVE ON.

keep it real...