Ok, I have this friend, lets call her J. She's 18 and in college. She dated this boy, C, about a year and a half ago, while they were both in high school, and they broke up after 5 or 6 months. He's 17 and a senior in HS. About 2 months after they broke up, they started talking to each other again, trying to work their relationship out, and J ended up saying something (I don't remember) and her and C decided that it wasn't going to work out after all. Since then, she has been stuck on him and constantly trying to call him. She's been comparing every guy she meets to C and calls me crying that "no one will ever replace him, he was the only one for her, etc." She is still conviced that he is the one that she is meant to be with and that they can be friends and work things out eventually. She is even planning on going to his senior prom as another boy's date, which I think is ridiculous because 1) she's in college now and needs to stop worrying about high sschool things, and 20 because its HIS senior prom and she doesn't need to show up and ruin it for him, its stalkerish.

I've been trying to tell her that they won't be able to get back together and that so much has changed in the past year, her going off to college while he's still in HS, her getting new friends, etc, that its all going to be completely different. All along, I've been telling her that that her constant IM'ing and calling is not making him want to see her or talk to her any more. All of their conversations are her contacting him, her talking, and him responding in either one syllable or just signing off/not answering his phone. He's obviously not interested in seeing her or talking to her right now. I say that its not going to happen and that she is too busy remembering him from the memories of them while they were dating and not seeing the up-front picture of how he is acting towards her now. She has also kept in contact with his mother and sister behind his back, another thing that I warned her about.

Two days ago, she calls C again even though I warned her that it was a bad idea. He doesn't answer but she leaves a message on his voicemail for him to call her back. She calls him again the next day and she asks if he wants to meet her for coffee, he says yes. So they decide to meet at Starbucks at 11 am yesterday. I talk to her at noon yesterday and it turns out that he had called her Friday night and cancelled, giving some excuse for why he couldn't go. Now she's overanalyzing all of this and saying how its not like him to make plans if he didn't really want to go and she doesn't understand why he doesn't just chill out for a day and meet up with her. I'm saying that he was too immature to admit that he never wanted to go in the first place and just said yes, but planned to either stand her up or cancel later.

Sorry this is so long, but am I the only one who is seeing that she's stuck on some immature, selfish asshole that isn't interested in her anymore? It's all such petty high school drama and yet, she insists that there is actually something more to the relationship and that it is completely unlike him to do this type of thing. Any ideas on how to convince her that she needs to get over him?

 

I read ur post. Its hard gettin over someone u feel soo strongly about and especially if u think they are the "One". Trust me.. Its hard !
I mean all the memories, all the good times / bad times, u remember it all !

But what she needs to realize is it take 2 to tango, meaning, the other should have the same feeling as she does. If she has to convince him to see her and stay wit her, its pointless.

Even if he did meet her up, and decided to get back together, further down the road he would have ended it juz cuz he was not 100% into it. Its a recipe for disaster. Both partners have to be in it and have mutual feelings no matter what.

Now if she really loves him, than all she can do is Hope and wait ! i mean if its meant to be, he'll come back. But thas easier said than done. What if he never comes back ! I waited for my girl almost six months to come around, everytime she ended things, i told her .. "Ill wait for u until ur ready" and that fuckin spoiled her and she knew no matter what, Ill be there for her.

I was at her every call, always callin her, emailin her everytime she left me! Now that i think bout its dumb. She LEFT me .. let her come back to me! Why am i Convincing her to come back ?????

So tell ur freind to keep bz and find other things to do! Hope it works out!

 

I wouldent say the guy is an asshole, since he is moving on. this sounds like a classic case of never letting someone go. I have seen it with my girlfriends friends and its not good. excessive calling, IMing after you have broken up is not a way to get someone back. it ultimatly will push him so far away that she will never be in contact with him again. this girl seems obsessive and needs to move on. this could get worse and turn in to a stalking case and could involve the police later on. time will tell.

 

Well this is what I've been trying to tell her...That isn't the reason they guy is an asshole, thats for other reasons not really dealing with this situation. I've been trying to tell her to move on and that when she finds someone that she cares about enough, she'll eventually forget about C. The excessive calling and instant messaging is what's driving him crazy, and its definately not going to help her cause out any. She goes out of her way to try and meet up with him and find out what he's doing now. I can kind of understand where she's coming from but she's so blinded by the memories that they have together that she can't see that he's not interested in her anymore.

 

with both posts above. They are right on point with two separate components of this situation

As with what Anokha said, a relationship is a two way street. She is over pursing him and receiving very little in return. In addition, she is searching for answers via his actions. What she doesnt realize is that his inactions ARE the answers. Short of him spelling out that he doesnt want to be with her, I don't know what else he needs to do.

Crazy88 also mentioned he isnt an asshole. I agree. His mistake is believing that there is a possibility of a friendship. She has obviously taken that opportunity and manipulated it for her own purposes. She took it as an opportunity to continue to pursue a relationship.

 

ok...so this is a convo that they had today, it's so obvious he doesn't want to talk to her but she's pushing it:

J: what happened to ya on saturday? we were supposed to get coffee remember?
C: i was sleeping
J: you've had better excuses
C: cool
J: you do know you still have the capability to drive me a little crazy, but i've pretty much learned to deal with it
C: good... you know you drive me crazy
J: cool...wait....im assuming thats not a good thing????
C: what isn't a good thing?
J: the drive you crazy thing....
C: no, its not a good thing.... its not funny at all
J: i dont drive you crazy on purpose, C
C: i think you do
J: hmmm.....i dont really know how to respond to that
J: would you anwser the phone if i called you???
C: no I wouldn't, not now
J: what about later????
C: NO... i dont feel like talking
J: you never feel like talking! i really try not to drive you crazy too often
C: i bet you don't
J: no question is a dumb question, just dumb people asking questions
C: then you say stuff like that
J: are you saying im dumb???? come on, you laughed
C: there you go with the questions again
C: no, i didnt laugh
J: you did....admit it
C: STOP i didnt laugh, and it wasnt funny
J: i was laughing
C: well fucking good for you
J: im trying to figure out something to say without asking a question but its not working for me
C: well keep trying but its not going to happen

our convo:

me: J...he's getting sick of you
J: haha, no kiddin
me: he obviously doesn't want to talk
J: LOL, it is very entertaining to me actually
me: why? J leave him alone
me: you're going to annoy him past the point of no return
J: im not being that annoying
me: you don't think you are but I can tell he's annoyed
J: offf course he's annoyed, but its what i do

WTF? I think he's handling this well... He's so not interested in anything to do with her. I don't think its going to help anything.

 

Aside from being totally your friend is hilarious. Unfortunatly, were laughing at her, not with her. It is pretty evident that he is beyond sick of her. If any shread of friendship is important to her, she needs to take a break before she pisses it entirely away.



BTW...would ?

 

J: omg that was insane
me: what
J: he just logged off
me: and?
J: and he didnt answer his phone, I just tried to call him
J: what could he possibly mean by that
J: OMG I’m freaking out!
me: ........
me: why?
me: he DOESN"T want to talk to you
J: he said he still remembers me
me: thats what he means
me: he can't forget you because you are honestly annoying the crap out of him!
J: thats not it at all
J: theres so much more to it than that I swear
J: C is not like that, its not that simple

 

Hes doin the right thing, and she is just pushing him over the edge. I would be so annoyed if anyone had that type of conversation with me. Its pretty obvious when people are far from interested and he is one of them, now only if she will get the point. you need to get her laid or something to take her mind off "C"

 

She's a really sweet girl and yes, you'd probably I don't know what to tell her though, I'm about to say :whocares: and let her learn the hard way. She's constantly looking into what he's saying instead of taking it at its blunt meaning.

 

sorry, had to

 

She is missing the point, she's so convinced that this guy is the one for her and that she can do all of this and he'll still give her a chance.

She's also one of those "no sex before marriage" ones... So to the last statement.

 

 

there's her answer why he's sick of her.

 

What would you guys do in his situation?

 

ok well i have a really long story from high school that takes wayyy too much time to write but the same exact thing happened to me. heres a quick overview of it.--this girl i took to prom was crazy and always called me and IMed me, right after prom i started dating her distant friend and she got pissed and started saying that i loved her and that i said she wanted to marry me. I never answered her calls again, never talked to her in person again, blocked her on AIM and im suprised she hasnt added me on F-book now. i think i handled it well and now im not on her mind anymore and she never was and never will be on my mind.

 

Wow...some girls are crazy. I'm surprised he hasn't blocked her yet. I think he's trying to be nice to her so he doesn't hurt her feelings but he needs to stop doing that and just tell her that she annoys him and he doesn't want to talk to her or see her again. It was just a little high school relationship and she is blowing it up to be so much more.

 

Your friend is one crazy chick! I almost pity the guy.

 

Get that chick a prescription of Xanax and call it the day..

 

i bet part of the problem is that she went to college, and one of the problems i had (have) is still dealing with the transition from girlffriends who knew a lot about you, people you connected with, tons of friends to college, wich is often the opposite. i miss a lot of the people i used to hang out with (and some of my ex's) a lot and i think she just needs to let go of the past because it wont be the same say it was before (easier said then done)

 

She's still in love with him, can't let go, and is going to make her next BF's live's hell. And I know a lot of girls just like her, they just can't let go for what ever reason even if the perfect guy comes there way. I think its a genetic defect, I have dated girls who have been in her situation and they never really get over it(though I was never the one they were stuck on, just the unlucky next guy).

Her age doesn't help, the younger age this happens the more of a lasting effect this has. But time heals all wounds.

 

I say introduce her to some guy you know, but don't really like. Maybe she can go all Glen Close on them, instead of this poor kid.

Seriously, the way I see this going:
J: C.. I love you so much and will do anything for you.
C: There is nothing I want from you
J: I know of one thing you want and you can have it if you really love me.
C: Umm... what's that?
J: You know...
C: ?
J: You can have... me
C: Okay, lets meet tomorrow.
J: Does that mean you love me?
C: Ummm... sure.
J: Okay, lets meet at you place when your parents are gone.

one hour after the get together and she gives it up:
J: Wow, you really do love me
C: Ummm... I don't know
J: WTF do you mean "you don't know? I gave you......blah blah blah

She hates him, he got laid, she will hate every man she ever meets.

 

LOL

this is hilarious, keep the IMs coming

 

I can see her getting taken advantage of easily, she's too quick to think she's "in love"...

 

What's her number? :P

 

more AIM:

J: quote of the day: "it's amzing how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces"
J: allie, im so going to have C back in my life
J: i just know it
J: even if its for a little while
ME: sure....don't keep count on it
J: allie, its almost impossible for us not to be togheter one more time
J: seriously
J: and your feelings are?
ME: I think you're actually chasing him away
J: no no no, you're wrong
J: who knows....time will tell all i suppose
J: okay and if that was the case, i already would have chased him away and he still talks to me
J: but fine you keep thinking that, we'll see who wins

 

omg

psycho in the making

 

Sounds like she is setting herself up for the ultimate devistation.

 

I think she is too. I can only help someone who knows how to help themself, and she doesn't seem like one of those in this situation.

 

If she continues to push it, get a restraining order. Some of what she is doing borders on harassment...........................

since she can't get positive attention, she is seeking negative attention, which is not going to cause him to run back into the room and sweep her off her feet with a wet sloppy kiss and proffers of undying love. He is being as polite as he possibly can.

Seriously, were I the guy, I would get increasingly blunt until I told her to get off my case. After that, I would do other stuff - change phone numbers, etc. If she keeps this up, it is perilously close to stalking, which is not a pretty sight to see.

As her friend, you are certainly trying to get her to see the blatently obvious. Don't be surprised if, somewhere along the line, she resents the intrusion of reality into obsession....................

(I have a former friend who, at the age of 58, still obsesses over a woman who clearly, politely and firmly dumped him two years ago. he still calls her, sends her cards, flowers, etc. She has rejected flower deliveries, changed her phone number and set up screens on her email. He still doesn't get it. Some people just never do. I cannot talk to this guy about it, it goes in one ear and quickly out the other. Amazing, just amazing to see....)

 

Ok, this thought crossed my mind a number of times. I mentioned it to her last week or so, and she blew it off. She actually almost thought it was funny that she was "stalking" him. If she does show up at his senior prom, I can see it going in that direction...And then I will have to deal with "How could he get a restraining order against me? Thats so not like him! "

Thanks for the input

 

Is there any chance you could talk to the guy and tell him to be more blunt/firm? Not sure it would help, but it should.