Hey people,
I've been in a relationship for about the past eight months. I'm enjoying being with this girl, but there is a really good chance I'll be relocating out of state (Vegas) within the next few months.

I've been a little reluctant to discuss the possibility of me moving away, and I finally decided to float the subject this past weekend. Basically, because I care about this girl, and at this point in time I want her to be in my life, I wouldn't think twice about asking her to came with me.

I implied that I would ask her to move, and she replied in an interesting way. She said she would want to finish grad school first. While that is not "yes", it is not a "no". Ultimately, I may be faced with a long-distance relationship.

Which leads me to consider the following question: Should I have a go at the long-distance thing?

 

If that is the only way you will be able to be with her at all and if you REALLY want to make it work...I suppose that is your only option unless she is willing to come with you. You should have a serious talk about it with her before you come to any conclusions.

 

vegas is a crazy place

 

How long does she have until she's finished and how far are you away from her in Vegas?

 

My wife and I spent three years apart, seeing each other mostly on weekends. This was during a time when we were persuing graduate degrees at separate institutions (separated by a few states).

In retrospect, both of us feel that it was tough and possibly not the wisest decision we made, but nonetheless we're still together. We had already been together for a few years and were obviously quite close.

I don't recommend it, but if you are BOTH ready for some rough times and this person is worth it, then it can be done.

 

i made mine last over 7 years

we REALLY worked to make it last

i was either in PA or CT at school while she was at school on Long Island

 

No.

Far too much work.

 

You love her? Do you guys trust each other completely? If you don't then it won't work and not even be worth your time and energy. A lot of heartache. If you guys do trust each other and both people are equally motivated to stay together then go for it.

 

More info: we are both currently in ca (bay area). Thus, Vegas is only about an hour away by plane. I just found out she has three semesters left of school. I know that if we were to try the long-distance thing, I would specify one caveat: that she ultimately move out to where I am.

 

Long distance is a bitch. You can't fit an entire relationship into a string of weekends. Just my thoughts. Currently living it - sort of. Also, if you are not entirely committed you will have wandering eyes which leads to serious complications. Plus - Vegas is a crazy place...

 

It's hard, but you know if it works, she's a keeper. I did back to back tours in Bosnia and then moved about 3000 miles away fro 8 months. Tough as hell, but when you get back togther, its great.

 

You cannot make 'caveats'. You cannot make requests and micro-manage her life (and visa versa). From my standpoint, I think this is the key.

Frankly, I think you have to set each other free for a bit -- that is, don't micro-manage day to day life. I'm not saying that the relationship would free itself up to include other dating/partners, but you have to let each person live their life away from the other.

 

Long distance relationship generally don't work. Think of the chances of a long distance relationship working the same way you would think of Shaq on the free throw in the last seconds of a game.

Is it possible that he could sink the free throws and ice the game? Yes.
Has he done it before? Yes.
Has he done it very often before? No.
Do you expect him to sink the free throws and ice the game? No.

Same thing with a long distance relationship:

Is it possible to do the long distance thing make it through and live happily ever after? Yes.
Have other couples done it before? Yes.
Have other couples done it very often before? No.
Should you expect to do the long distance thing make it through and live happily ever after? No.

I tried it and it didn't work, my best friend did it for almost 3 years with his girl and it kinda worked, I say kinda because they broke up a year after she moved back. Personally I don't think they work and you should just cut each other loose and see what happens in the future.

The only way I would even give a long distance a glimmer of hope is if the couple were together for at least 2 or 3 years prior to the impending separation and they are still deeply in love. If you've been together less than a year fuggetdaboutit, save both of you some pride and pain and end it.

 

I am under no illusions about a long-distance relationship. I know that it will require more effort. However, I feel that I will regret not giving it a shot. As far as I am concerned, rejection is better than regret. I feel that it would be somewhat of a cop-out not to give it a try.

 

If that's how you feel, go ahead and try, thats what I said too.

Then tewo years later when we broke up I entered a downward spiral into a hole depression (not just because of the relationship but it was major factor). And when I finally dug myself out, it still took me another 2 years before I felt go about myself and had confidence with women.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have NEVER did the long distance thing. In trying to "work hard" at it I compromised things about myself, a forgave her for things that I look back at now and wonder WTF was I thinking.

 

I had an in-depth conversation w/ my gf last night. While she said she would have a go at the long-distance thing, she would always bring up the hypothetical situation of me meeting someone else.

The previous evening (the night before last), I brought up the last-distance thing, and she seemed a bit more confident about a long-distance arrangement. Boy, what a difference a day makes! She now seems to have reservations, and almost a fatalistic attitude. Consequently, I myself am feeling lost as to what to do. I would only go through with this arrangement if she were to extend the same amount of effort. With her tendency to bring up an impending breakup, I have to question her ability to make the effort.

Thoughts anyone?

 

It's a tough decision and I empathize, but I think that you're both overthinking or worrying about it.

It's either going to work or not.

There are essentially two choices now:

1) Break up and move on.

2) Continue to go out, make the best of it and see what happens.

If you both love each other enough, the commitment will come on it's own without agreements or arrangements. If you don't, one or both of you will slow things down or look elsewhere. As tough, but also as simple as that.

 

DON'T DO IT! BREAK UP WITH HER! I AM WARNING YOU!

Trust me if she is already bringing up the hypothetical of meeting other people that means she has already decided in her mind that if somebody else comes along who she enjoys being with, she won't deny herself the opportunity of being with them. If you do the long distance thing I give you 6-12 months bfeore you have the "open relationship" talk, and another 3-6 months after that before you break up.

 

Interestingly, we have already addressed the open-relationship issue. I asked her for her thoughts on open relationships, as I was merely curious. She said that she wouldn't be comfortable with it. This girl has a tendency to be pessimistic and anxious, so it didn't really surprise that she sounded fatalistic in our conversation last night. She made it sounded that it was only a matter of time until I wanted to end things.

 

Don't do it, that's my last warning.

 

just sounds like she assumes if a guy is going to a city like vegas, its going to be hard for her to hold onto you. I wouldn't assume she's not going to put in the effort, it just sounds like she's a pessimist/realist.

 

As long as you can deal with her getting cock from other guys, it can work.

 

Update: Came really close to breaking up this past weekend. We were spending time together, but it seemed like she was almost mopping. When I asked what was wrong, she said she was depressed/sad. It seemed to me like she was behaving like our relationship was over.

Her behavior ultimately bothered me. I restated what I thought of things: that I wanted to have a go at the long-distance thing, etc., etc.

In the end, she said that she understood. However, she felt that she would have to work harder to put forth the same effort that I would put out; in other words, I would be more difficult for her to come see me on a regular basis. Because she is a full-time student, and has no form of steady employment, she may not be able to incur the expenses of traveling out to see me. I know that I could came back out to the Bay Area fairly regularly to see her, but then it would be a one-sided affair.

When she told me that, I didn't really know how to take it. I then floated the possibility of ending things. She responded by saying that if that was what I wanted, so be it. I didn't like the fact that she attempted to put this decision squarely on me, so I asked her what she wanted.

I have resigned myself to the fact that whatever happens happens. If the long-distance thing works, great. If it doesn't, then that's fine too. When she finally answered my question by saying that she wanted to stay together.

I am so confused. I really don't know which way to go. I feel lost, and I shouldn't. Why is this so damn hard?

 

 

You have to let her go, man. I know of too many LDRs gone wrong and it's better to break up now than to find out she cheated on you later. If you break up now, she's free to do what she wants and if that sounds harsh to you, you must remember that you're also free to do what you want. Start over, move on, it's the only way to go.

 

dont do it. she's not ready for it

 

I think this kid already has his mind made up, he's gonna regret it. But with the overwhelming negative response of this thread and the obvious signs from his girlfriend he still wants to go through with it. All we can do now is wait on the "She cheated on me" or "We broke up" thread.

 

Girls never consider it cheating when the boyfriend is more than a thousand miles away. I hope TSG realizes that it's just not worth it.