OK so to put it simple. 6 years ago i dated a girl we will refer to as Amy. we dated for about 2.5 years. I then met a girl we will call Sarah. I am now engaged to Sarah but for the last few months we have been arguing alot. about a month and a half ago i ran into amy and now whenever i fight with sarah the only thing that calms me down and makes me feel better is Amy. i havent done anything with Amy except meet for coffee and talk or talk on the phone. The problem comes in this week when sarah left yesterday to go out of town and i stayed out with Amy until around 3 in the morning. didnt do anything but there were a few times of that silence (that awkward kind of kiss me silence) and it felt normal and i had to fight not to do anything. I know this probably makes no sense but i need some help and needed to vent a little


What should i do?

 

Think about this...
-What is it that caused you to date amy
-what is it that caused you to date and engage sarah
-what caused you to end things with amy if she apparently calms you & makes you happy...
-Have you done anything about your communication troubles with your fiance?
- Do you want to do anything about your communication troubles... aka is it worth it to you to fix things (assuming they are that bad)

 

-I dated Amy while in college. she is fun and we get along great because we are both really laid back. we met one night and for 2.5 years everything was great and we were perfect together and when we are together now its like nothing changed
-when i started dating Sarah we got along great. She thought she could deal with the military and she was sweet and has a good head on her shoulders( hard to find these days)
- We decided when i graduated that it would be too hard because i moved 8 hours away so we ended things but on a good note.
- Since i have been home from Iraq i have been going to someone that has been helping me with my personal communication skills and i have improved with everyone but sarah and have made many new friends since i have been home.
-I think anything in a relationship is worth working on but im confused right now as i dont think it will actually help anything. I have the feeling that Sarah and I both will put alot into something that will just end in disaster and make things harder than they already are

 

Do you have any idea what it is that has caused the two of you to constantly argue as of late?

And if its like nothing has changed, then... you could still be attached to Amy.

You've obviously been with Sarah for a few years to have gotten engaged... exactly how long?

 

well the big thing is that she wants me to get out of the military but it is who i am and what i do and would be not be happy doing anything else. PERIOD. Habits i have had since i was 16(dipping) she all of the sudden is going crazy about and rides me constantly. I just feel like if i stay with her i will be held back from doing all the things i want to do in my life.

BTW....Amy loves the fact that i am in the military and so does her family

 

Sounds like Sarah is just looking out for your well-being. But hell some people are made for the military. Dipping however, is your call lol.

If you think she's really going to hold you back, then hell, I think you know where this discussion is going.

Who knows, maybe the engagement has gotten to her, maybe she's thinking of what she wants her husband to be like etc etc... maybe she's freaking out a bit too... how long have you been engaged for now?

 

well i think she does look out for my well being BUT.....isnt me being happy with my life the biggest part of my well being?

I am also trying to figure out if i should just not hang out with Amy until i figure this mess out but its hard...like today she knew i had a bad day at work so she cooked me dinner and brought it to my house for me on her way to work. Its those kinds of things that confuse me

 

Absolutely, if you truly think she is going to hold you back from happiness, you'll have to move on. If you stay in the relationship with that thought, you'll definitely never be happy.

I'm leaving a girl now, 'cause of our lack of communication and I've found a girl who I "click" with like crazy.
However... we aren't engaged so I don't know if you really want to take my advice.

 

yeah we are on the same page i just wanted to make sure my perspective wasnt distorted on this.Thanks.

 

grass is always greener my friend

 

If you have doubts and aren't happy with "Sarah".. Move on. Esp. if she hates the fact that you are in he military and sort of wants to change you. I dated someone similar, but not engaged.

She hated the fact that everything i wanted to do was risky/dangerous, esp. me being in the military and travel often. Not very supportive in anything I wanted to do, I mean reeaally putting me down, holding me down.

Amy sounds like she supports you, everything you do and cares about you. Are you guys basically just picking up where you 2 left off?

 

X2 exactly what I was gonna say, but if Sarah isn't happy with your career or way of life, I wouldn't marry her, because she could hold you back, or not support you

 

im am going to talk with Sarah when she gets home saturday.....cant do it over the phone. I did however tell Amy that we could talk on the phone but i thought it was only fair and the right thing to do to not see her until next week. She actually said she was impressed and that she was looking forward to next week

 

sounds like you are engaged to the wrong woman.

If I were you, Id break off the engagement (at least), and sort things out before going back to Amy full time. dont just jump from Sarah directly to Amy.

better think things over now before you get married rather than afterwards.

 

 

That's the best advice I can give you.

 

It sounds like Sarah isn't too happy either and is trying to change you into her idealistic man, as opposed to going out and finding one already like him for herself.

Now on to Amy, don't forget that you two were apart for a number of years, and as they say time heals all wounds. So I'm not surprised to hear you two are getting along great now. BUT (forgive me for not gathering why you and Amy split up in the first place) whatever caused the split before could very likely happen again.

Look at it this way: Hypothetically, if you had never met Sarah, and had stuck with Amy the whole time until now, would you two still be together now and as lovey-dovey as you are? Just something to think about.

 

thats exactly what i think is wrong with Sarah. She is not happy with the guy i am so she wants me to be someone else.

If i would not have been an idiot and moved away from Am then i have no doubts that we would be together and more than likely be married by now. We now live in the same city again and when we are around each other its like nothing has changed....emotionally anyways. We have both grown up and we are both different than we were when we dated but we still click and get along perfect.

Im leaving work and going to shoot some guns and shit to clear my head and think straight.

 

Definitely!

A couple of things to think about...

When a person is having an affair on the side (whether f***ing or not), all the day to day trials and bitches and gripes that we work through as couples, are still left to be handled with the significant other. The one on the side need not do anymore than agree and comfort. They don't actually have to walk through life with anyone.

That's not love. That's hormones.

Amy is questionable. She's activly persuing a man that is engaged. Even though that man is you for now, you may want to look at that. Questionable....

You are cheating. No real denying going on. You shouldn't be meeting her and accepting her favors like you are. Sarah probably wouldn't appreciate that, and she is engaged to you, at least for now.

Don't marry her and put her through all this. Call off, or at least postpone any concrete plans until you can get your head out of your ass.

Maybe even let her go completely so she has the opportunity to go find someone that suites her better, or at least someone that will be faithful.

 

First thing you should not do is get married.

You need to decide what you want.

To me, it seems like you are in the military and that's not going to change. That's more than just a service or a job for you. It is part of your being. The woman you end up with need to be on board with that or you will always argue.

If this is what is causing conflict in your relationship, then you need to talk about it with Sarah. If it will always be an issue, then end the relationship now. As for talking to Amy....you're not making it easier on your relationship. I would tell here to give you some time.

Good luck.

 

^^

 

Some of the advice above is good - especially what gypsygirl said. Even if you are not screwing Amy, and in your mind you're not cheating, Sarah will probably see things a little different.

If you truly want to work things out with Sarah, you need to distance yourself from Amy completely and focus on Sarah. To me it sounds like there are other things going on with her and they are manifesting themselves in different ways.

How long were you gone on your last tour? How long have you been back? When is your next deployment planned? I think a lot of this has a direct impact on what is going on now. There is also the chance that she may have met or got closer to someone else while you were gone and is causing problems on purpose. The only way to find out what is REALLY going on is to talk to her.

 

Amy ended 6 years ago. Dude get over it. Don't get sucked back in. You should have no contact with her.

 

Good luck buddy.

 

I dont think it really has anything to do with who it is. If it would have been a different person it would still be the same way. It just so happens i used to date her. i have not once said that i was going to get back with her. She just was around during this and she just happens to be the girl that makes me wonder if id be happy elsewhere.

 

^^ Bottom line - if you are not happy now and don't think you can be happy with Sarah, then you MUST move on. If you think this is just a temporary situation that you can work through, then WORK through it.

 

good luck...

pictures will help.....


just kidding

 

i have thought about this alot today and i now know what i need/want to do. thanks for all your advice and just for shits and giggles i threw in a pic of each girl.

Sarah(in the middle)


amy(obviously on the left)




Basically what happened this evening is: i went and shot my rifles preparing for me hunting trip next month in Colorado and also thought about all of this stuff. I have decided to take a step back from the marriage and see if things will work themselves out. I talked with amy and told her that i have relationship issues that i need to work through and that spending time with her is making my mind all cloudy preventing me from making a sound decision. She told me to focus on the relationship i am in and if it works out she is happy for me but in the future if it doesnt work to make sure she is the first to know after i get through everything. She then apologized for making or causing any problems for me and then i came home. As soon as Sarah gets home from Florida we will be talking and figuring out what we as a couple are going to do. Again thanks for the advice even though i was just being ignorant.

Gotta Love Azine.

 

Exactly - you are just having second thoughts. Don't do anything with your ex - she's an ex for a reason. Don't ruin it with your fiance.

 

Nice pick up on the fiance man! lol

 

Yeah Sarah is hot..work it out.

 

Yup, Sarah is hot, and it just goes to show that looks can only get you so far if you're a pain in the ass

 

work it out with sarah if you really want to be with her. if you cant fix things, move on.

if you marry sarah with her issues with you, you will come home from a tour to a cheating/unfaithful wife. long absences + issues with husband = usually extramarital affairs and the like.


just facts buddy. hope you straighten things out.

 

I have decided that i am going to work things out with Sarah or die trying. I love her so i think that alone makes it worth working on so im gonna.

I have decided that maybe she thinks that military is more important to me than she is so i just need to make sure that i show her that she comes first in my life

I will keep yall updated. She comes home tomm and i am looking forward to talking to her..Thanks for the advice

 

go with amy. she looks more low maintanence, less drama and supports your career

 

Actually it is the exact opposite. Sarah is not high maintanence at all...Amy isnt really either. Sarah was raised on a farm...Amy raised in the city...2 totally different animals.

 

i love animals.

 

damn playa! work it out (no, not in bed...)

 

Sounds like you have made a sound decision - except for the:
Don't lose yourself trying to make things work. Sure, there will be compromise, but don't just give up who you are.

Still, she does have a point about the dipping. Stop that nasty shlt!!

 

From the pictures it look like the other way around. There were a lot of great advice and the best thing to do is gather the information and have a long talk with Sarah. If she can't accept your way of life then it's not going to work out in the long run. It's a tough decision but you are mature enough to make your own decisions.