I've torn over what to do regarding a friendship of mine that really just went south. Lookin to see what some of you AZ people think, and what y'all have done in similar situations.


There's a lengthy story behind it, but the long and short of it, is my best friend of about 12 years had made some choices that I didn't really agree with and started being extremely hypocritical. This started I'd say about a year or 2 ago. Despite him asking for my input, he didn't really seem like it mattered to him. So over the course of this time, our friendship deteriorated, and the straw that broke the camels back was after he dated my sister this spring/summer. I knew they weren't right for each other, and I warned my sister, but she didn't see what I was talking about until a few months into the relationship. It wasn't as much their relationship that got to me, as was the way my sister said he acted towards her.

Now I'm not the one to tell someone how to run their lives. Whatever choices they want to make is their deal. But I'd eventually grow apart from someone who I felt I had conflict with.

The only thing bugging me is because we were such close friends for so long. We were practically brothers. As of right now, with the exception of one time I saw him in passing at my parents house with my sister this summer, we haven't talked at all since April. I don't know if I should just be happy with the friendship and memories of the past and let it go, realizing that people can change, or if I should try to talk to him, forgive/forget, and see if it's worth a try in mending the friendship.

It's just an internal conflict I haven't made a decision on, and it'll drive me nuts until I do.

 

Nothing's wrong with you making the effort first. If he rejects it, then...sadly...what can you do?

 

one thing i've learned is friends come and go. No matter how long you've been friends, people will grow apart. My best friend from childhood is a complete douche these days. I still hang out with him in groups but other than that, we're done. It happens and I've accepted it.

I think the common thread is that you meet your friends for life in college.

 

When I was a senior in H.S., I started dating a girl who was a senior as well. At the end of H.S. we decided that we would continue the relationship even though we would be going to different colleges. She was going to school near home, but I was moving about 3 hours away. My friend at the time was one year younger than me, so he was still home because he was in H.S.

Needless to say, he started to get feelings for my girlfriend and she ended up lying to me about something, which I found out about. Haven't talked to the guy since 1998. I found that you tend to keep the good friends you met in college, rather than your old H.S. friends. Granted, this may not be the norm with everyone.

I'd just leave it alone and move on in life.

 

Have you taken the initiative to plan hanging out together?

 

u should make the 1st step dude show him ur the better man

 

Go get a beer and talk with him unless you really thing he has changed for the worse. My friends do stupid shit every so often but that doesn't change my relationship with them

 

Yea, I let a lot of stuff slide but most of it is stupid stuff. His boy going out with his sister is a little more complicated but sometimes you just have to forget the past, especially if you've been boys with him for a long time. I agree, just have a drink and see how it goes. No harm, no foul, and getting some shit off your chest might make you feel better. He's possibly contrite about the whole situation.

 

I think it's good that you're considering re-connecting. I think it's also good that you realize things may never be the way they were.

I had a very important friendship dissolve as a result of my divorce. She not only wasn't there for me, but put all the responsibility on my shoulders and failed to accept that it was a mutual decision between my ex and I. She and her husband were our closest friends as couples, and she totally flipped her lid that I was ruining that. Nevermind the obvious detrimental effects in my life from the divorce.

I ran into her this summer - she apologized and told me she's ready to be the friend she should have been then. To give her credit, she was really good to me a month later when I had to put my dog down. We've seen each other a handful of times since, but we're both a little wary around each other. I'm hoping we'll continue to re-build, but at this point I'm not counting on anything. It sucks.

Good luck - try to keep an open mind if it's important to you.

 

My best friend in high school started dating my sister. Of course, just the fact that her time with him cut into my time caused friction in the house, plus as with you he wasn't right for her. The drama only increased as they fought and broke up and got back together a few times, and he acted like a little tool the night she told him she was done with him for the last time, crying and saying he was going to lie down in a pile of leaves and die.

I've spoken to him at reunions, but our friendship was never really the same after that.

 

My best friend growing up turned into a complete tool/douche after marrying his complete nutjob of a wife. I warned him not to get involved with her but one bad choice after another has brough nothing but problems on himself, his family and anyone associated with him.

The door is open for him to come back anytime but he needs to leave all baggage on the curb.

 

No.
Since April, I've only had one in-passing 'hey' and a very short conversation


Uh huh.....



That's what I'm not sure.
Partially cause I haven't made any effort to try and talk to him. Hence the purpose of this thread. By this point, he may think I was a dumbshit. I was for sure the one that dropped him because I was upset. He even talked to my mother though back in the summer about being bummed and whatnot that I kind of dropped him out of my life. Maybe it's just that he thinks if I cared enough, I would try to get a hold of him, otherwise he's just standing back.

Thanks D.

 

I didn't mean at a bar.

 

Consider that he may also be very hurt at the (correct?) implication that you didn't think he was good enough for your sister.

 

Sounds like he's been making a serious effort to mend your relationship, even going to your mom. At the very least, you could sit down and talk to him, even though he broke bro-rule #1 and dated your sister. You guys are still young and maybe you should forgive him based on the longevity of your friendship. IMO true male friends are hard to find, guys that you know would have your back in a fight or be there for you when shit hits the fan.

Damn Bryan, didn't your frat hook you up with a fake ID yet?!?!?

 

You said that his bad decision making started about two years ago, but he didn't start with your sister until this summer. I guess I'd need to know what kind of bad decision making he was up to before I could really make an informed contribution. If he is doing hard drugs, or is breaking the law, end the friendship. Done. You don't need that in your life. Neither does your sister.....

 

Breaking the law in what way? I break the speed limit daily.

 

i almost lost my best friend this year after we thought it was a good idea to be roommates. Not so much. The biggest problem was communication. You have to realize that people communicate very differently and will not always handle a situation as you would or as you think they should. if you value your friendship with him, then reach out. i'm guessing that since you've been friends for about 12 years that he know's some pretty deep stuff about your life that probably no one else does. do you really want to lose that level of friendship that takes years to build? yes, people come and go, but i think you know which ones to fight for and which ones to let go. friendships take work, just like any other relationship.

 

It sounds like you both want to get back to being friends but neither of you have really made a strong effort. Call the guy and go grab a beer. If you were good friends, then you will find a way to look past the last 2 years.

Keep in mind that most people have friends growing up and a lot of them drift apart. Most of the time it is because of lack of trying on some one's part.

 

I'm going through something very similar to this as of now and it does indeed suck.

 

I had a very similar situation, minus the sister. I had a best friend from early elementary school through college. However towards the end there were these underlying issues that popped up now and again - resentment, jealousy, and the fact he never really seemed happy for me when things went well. But still we were like brothers. However, I think we've spoken 4 times in the last 20 years.

So at the ripe old age of 42, I've realized that no matter how much time you invest with someone or how close you used to be, if that friendship becomes a source of drama and frustration, let it go. I think some people remain "best friends" more out of obligation or loyalty than a true friendship. So if you are in fact a loyal friend (I am too), it will be hard to reconcile the idea of not being his friend in the way you once were. But, you're under no obligation to continue it if there's no real benefit to either of you.

Ask yourself if that friendship is adding anything to your life. Is your life better with that friend in it, or are you doing OK without it? I would step back and take an objective look at your friendship. Remove any lingering obligations or loyalties and just ask yourself if you met this guy today for the first time, would you build a friendship? If the answer is no, give yourself permission to move on. You're not betraying anyone by doing so. Sometimes, that's just where life takes you.

And if the man he is today is someone you'd like to know, go get that beer.

 

How old are you? Not that it makes a difference, just curious. I've come to accept that throughout life friends come and go. Whether it be because someone moves, gets a gf, or is just in a different phase in life, it happens. I'd say for me now most of my friends are from work, and I only have 1 friend from high school that I see with any regularity (and we didn't even go to the same high school), but he has a gf now so he doesn't come out of the house much. Most of my college friends are spread out, so I might only see them a few times a year at football games.

My point is that while it does suck, if you can accept that this does happen to everyone at some point for whatever reason then it might be easier for you to deal with.

 

if any of my friends dated my sister, that friend would be dead to me

 

^ditto

 

Common Subsub, you know that's not what I meant. Everyone goes a little over now and then.

There are lots of ways he could be at risk. Gang activity... Violence of any kind. Robbery or anything like that.

Point is, he hasn't told us what kind of bad decisions. Dating his sister is certainly a breech of boundries for most friendships, I would imagine, but not necessarily an end to end all. I dated two of my next older brothers friends when I was young. I even married one of them and now share custody of our kids. He also dated one of my friends. We are very close in age and our friends were the right ages, I guess.

I'd like to know what his friend is involved in, outside his relationship with the sister, that would be considered bad decision making. It makes a big difference in the advice I would give.

 

I don't get the strong reactions to friends dating a sister as a universal rule, unless the friend was a total douche bag. Seems to me a friend worth having is the kind of person you wouldn't mind dating your sister.

I'm curious now too - is the OP's friend a douche bag, dangerous, or both?

 

Haven't ignored the thread....just busy with finals and all.
I'll reply with somethin either tonight or tomorrow.

 

If the friend did something heinous, broke the law in a BAD way (i.e robbery, rape, murder, mayhem, child pr0n, Whiskers, etc.) then I would let that friendship lapse. You're an upstanding person that abides by the law, and if they can't you're done with them.

If they just did something stupid and they're not interested in fixing the relationship, but YOU feel guilty about it, I would also let it go. No sense trying to fix something that cannot be fixed.

I lost my best friend from high school because he did not be my best man. I asked him a full seven months to be my bast man before the wedding. I gave him plenty enough time to save up for a plane ticket to Florida (he's in NY), etc. He refused to basically talk to me after trying to e-mail him and talk with him. I'm talking he fell off the face of the planet. I had to have someone by my side, so I chose my roomate from high school. That was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I heard later that he did not call or talk to me because he was embarrassed because he could not afford to fly down to Florida. I would have understood, even paid for a plane ticket for him. But because he would not talk to me, that showed me what type of person he is. If I would have needed him in an emergency, I would have been toast.

 

i read the OP, but not the responses, but all i can say is throughout the past few years i have let a lot of close relationships with friends go. it just wasnt working out one way or another, some of them were like girls in the sense they would always go behind each others backs with who they hung out with (peoples gf's and such, plus a lot of shit talking), others were into drugs, etc. etc. all i can say is youll feel awkward while that void is still being filled, but i still look back and am so happy that phase of my life is over, i was in a lot of negative situations in that part of my life whether it be with legal/illegal things, or moral/immoral situations. its just bs im glad to be out of, and i think in your situation it might be better to just be done with it. its ok to look back at the memories, but make new ones.

 

This sounds like a problem you'd have when you're younger and think every buddy relationship you have is important, and needs fixed if goes off track a bit. Sometimes they just go bad for a reason. Guys who used to be cool can turn into douchebags for a variety of reasons...bad marriages, major changes in financial status, sustance abuse, you grow up and they simply dont, etc...

It's very possible also that you've changed a bit for the better and he's still a jackass...

 

I don't want to come off as a jerk but thanks for posting this OP, even though it is a bad situation to say the least. You and everyone else contributing to this thread are teaching a young dude like me some serious, down-to-earth life lessons here. Once again, thanks everyone.