Breaking up while living together
11-14-2006, 03:25 PM
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Breaking up while living together
Ok, I float around D&R quite a bit and hope I can get some real advice. I've lived with my girl for like 3 years. We until reccently had a very good relationship, lately living together has become rather difficult, she nags all the time, we argue all the time, and at times hate each other. I know that happens with anyone you live with (I've had at least a dozen roommates) but it's tougher when a relationship is involved. Last night she stays out 4 hours past when she told me she was having "1 drink" comes home, wakes me up after I waited up for her for almost 4 hours before going to sleep, and tells me she wants to move out and back to her parents house after talking to her best friend who is a complete bitch to everyone and thinks she's better than everyone. My take on it, is that she wants to go back to living with mommy and daddy because she is sick of paying rent and is trying to cheap out on me. She's complained time and time again that she hates paying so much rent (I rented a house around the corner from her work so she could walk to work because she didn't have money to fix her car which hasn't left my driveway in a year plus) And she loves our house, but all of the sudden wants to move out and of course she took it back after she said it saying that she just wanted to "get my attention" but i dunno what to do. I love her to death, I'm just so tired of fighting. The thing that really pisses me off is she's trying to back out of a lease that we signed, and stick me with all the responsibility, and I can't pay all the rent myself or I'll be a broke mofo. And I dunno if it's more a game because she took it back after I threw the lease and rent issue in her face. What do people think, opinions?
11-14-2006, 03:28 PM
#2
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Treat her like a normal roomate in this situation....Don't get screwed.
11-14-2006, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Whiskers
Treat her like a normal roomate in this situation....Don't get screwed.
11-14-2006, 04:00 PM
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I agree with Whiskers, feelings can complicate things, but in the end you need to look out for yourself. Don't risk putting yourself in a rough financial situation just b/c she went through some emotional turmoil.
11-14-2006, 05:10 PM
#6
Heh, funny I went through the same thing before the summer this year. Fortunately I am financially stable and did not need her to make ends meet. However, I asked her to leave because in all honesty, at our age (being you're nearly same age as I am) you need some personal space. My girlfriend was very attached and we both worked but she felt anytime I was home I had to give her my undivided attention. Seeing too much of eachother can be irritating especially after having a bad day to come to home to someone pestering you. Your home should be a retreat to get away from all the bullshit.
Having her move into another room would in my opinion not resolve much because your peace will still be interupted so don't kid yourself.
In your shoes I would demand 2 months rent and if she paid a deposit make her forfeit her end and post up on roomster.com or some similar sites. At least you'll have 2 months to find a roommate which should be an adequate timeframe.
Having her move into another room would in my opinion not resolve much because your peace will still be interupted so don't kid yourself.
In your shoes I would demand 2 months rent and if she paid a deposit make her forfeit her end and post up on roomster.com or some similar sites. At least you'll have 2 months to find a roommate which should be an adequate timeframe.
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11-15-2006, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by johnniewalker
i agree with jblue.....
I don't financially need her per say, I make more in a week than she makes in a month, I could swing the rent and bills, but that would be my life for the next 9 months. No more car modding, or anything else that I enjoy. I dunno, we "talked" about it last night, fought it out if you will and I guess we're ok for now, but come closer to the end of the lease, I think she'll be getting the boot for good. My friends have told me to loose her for the last year or so, due to her drinking problem, poor money management, and general comfort for letting me handle everything in life. Like I mentioned her car hasn't even left my driveway for the last 13-14 months, and won't be fixed unless i dump money into it which I haven't, but it's an aweful bold move to say she was moving back to her parents which is a few miles from her job, when I leased the place around the corner from her main job so she could walk there cuz I knew her car wasn't long for the world. Especially since I'm her private choffeur(sp?) and have 2 vehicles but, she's not allowed to drive either. She definitely is comftorable making very little money, and enjoying the fact that I make a lot more, which is very annoying as well.
11-15-2006, 10:38 AM
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I don't think it will work if she stays there. How much more do you have on your lease? My best suggestion is to have her move out since she wants too anyways and get a different room-mate to move in for the remainder of the lease. Try to make is a female roommate and if she's hot, it will piss off the girlfriend even more.
11-15-2006, 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by RaviNJCLs
I don't think it will work if she stays there. How much more do you have on your lease? My best suggestion is to have her move out since she wants too anyways and get a different room-mate to move in for the remainder of the lease. Try to make is a female roommate and if she's hot, it will piss off the girlfriend even more.
Looking at buying a house next summer, already have the house that i want picked out (my buddy's mom's house) just can't come soon enough. I think when it gets closer to that time, she'll get the boot in the ass. This situation just sucks, after all this, she took it back cuz she realized she relies on me too heavily, but my boys are right, she's a freakin leech
11-15-2006, 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by 97BlackAckCL
I swore off roommates when I moved in with her, but our lease just renewed in september till next september so say 9 months
11-15-2006, 12:49 PM
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Kick her to the curb and have one of your boys move in... 
You don't need that shit bro.. You are not married to her. And if it's this bad now. It's not gonna get any better.
You don't need that shit bro.. You are not married to her. And if it's this bad now. It's not gonna get any better.
11-15-2006, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by JWhite1301
You have two cars, but she has to walk to work?
If true, you don't love her, kick her out
If true, you don't love her, kick her out
11-16-2006, 10:38 AM
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Judging by all the things you dislike about her, i doubt you love her. If you did love her, you would accept all those faults and deal with it. But i can understand having trouble breaking the routine, esp if you care about her (which you can do without loving her). But you need to care about yourself too and say if she wants to be a lazy trophy wife, she can be someone else's lazy trophy wife.
11-16-2006, 02:13 PM
#19
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Chris move one before she drags you down further. I moved out when I was in that situation. I moved to another room and then said screw and moved out completely.
11-16-2006, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Mike97 3.0P
Judging by all the things you dislike about her, i doubt you love her. If you did love her, you would accept all those faults and deal with it. But i can understand having trouble breaking the routine, esp if you care about her (which you can do without loving her). But you need to care about yourself too and say if she wants to be a lazy trophy wife, she can be someone else's lazy trophy wife.
Not to mention, living with anyone of the opposite sex, you have to learn to accept lots of bad and annoying things about each other, that's not the issue at hand.
Last edited by 97BlackAckCL; 11-16-2006 at 02:33 PM.
11-16-2006, 02:49 PM
#21
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I broke up with my ex wife and we still lived together for a couple of months while we sold our house and looked for new places to live. We actually got along better than while we were married! We treated each other as friends and with respect- meaning no other people involved.
We even had sex a few times figuring "fuck it, we're still legally married for six months".
We even had sex a few times figuring "fuck it, we're still legally married for six months".
11-16-2006, 04:06 PM
#22
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Originally Posted by 97BlackAckCL
I do love her, you're assuming that I don't from what? The fact that I don't shell out money to fix her car that she cares nothing about? She works 2 jobs, she's older than I am, she is a big girl and can fix her own car if she cares about it. I cheuffer her around which i am not complaining about, though it gets tedious at times. I'm confused because out of the blue she said she wanted to move out and back with her parents, and I think it's a money issue. My concerns are more for me in that situation because I get screwed. I do love the girl, but I'm just fed up with pety arguing and her throwing somethin like that in my face doesn't make it easy to just forgive is all. I just feel like a sugar daddy, I do tons to support this girl even though she works 2 jobs and is "independant" I buy all the groceries, pay all the bills upfront and then get back what i can from her for "half" which is never half, pay rent upfront (same deal try to get it back later) I just am not appreciated, I take her out, I pay for things, I buy all her food and what not, but then she tells me out of the blue she wants to move out on me because we argue and she doesn't think we're "in love" anymore. Money is not the issue and buying her things doesn't mean love to me, it's just an example. My main concern is she threatened to walk out on a lease and stick me with all the responsibility. I moved in with this girl because I love her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and 3 years later she tells me she wants to move out, then takes it back. I do love her, i'm just hurt and confused. Not to mention, living with anyone of the opposite sex, you have to learn to accept lots of bad and annoying things about each other, that's not the issue at hand.
Not to mention, living with anyone of the opposite sex, you have to learn to accept lots of bad and annoying things about each other, that's not the issue at hand.If you don't buy her things to show her how you feel about her, how are you showing her your feelings? I think she is telling you this to see how you feel about her because maybe she thinks that that is the only way she is gonna get the answer she is looking for?
11-17-2006, 11:54 AM
#23
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Originally Posted by SwervinCL
Play her game man... When she says that she wants to move out. Go get her bags for her. It does not mean that you want her to leave. But she is telling you this to see how you feel about her. It sounds like she is just doing it for the attention.
If you don't buy her things to show her how you feel about her, how are you showing her your feelings? I think she is telling you this to see how you feel about her because maybe she thinks that that is the only way she is gonna get the answer she is looking for?
If you don't buy her things to show her how you feel about her, how are you showing her your feelings? I think she is telling you this to see how you feel about her because maybe she thinks that that is the only way she is gonna get the answer she is looking for?
11-17-2006, 12:43 PM
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So, You say you love her but apparently she feels you don't or that you two just aren't "in love" anymore. Did you ask her what she feels is lacking? You may not agree with her but it might give you some insight into her head if you just sit down and ask her what she feels is missing or wrong. You obviously care about her and it seems you do a whole lot for her. And it seems like shes into mind games, which isn't helpful, but try to sift through them. The real answer is there somewhere. You don't need to deal with childish games but try and get to the bottom of why she wanted to move out and why she said the 'love" thing.
And if it all goes to hell in the end (which hopefully it doesnt) do not let yourself be screwed in a lease by her. Good luck.
And if it all goes to hell in the end (which hopefully it doesnt) do not let yourself be screwed in a lease by her. Good luck.
12-07-2006, 10:57 AM
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Would she have paid to fix her car if she were not paying so much in rent? I only ask because if she was opposed to signing a lease at the place you are currently in because of money but she went along with it because it was what you wanted, then maybe you can't blame her for not fixing her car. OR maybe she is a mooch and you need to ditch her.
12-11-2006, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by RLToni
Would she have paid to fix her car if she were not paying so much in rent? I only ask because if she was opposed to signing a lease at the place you are currently in because of money but she went along with it because it was what you wanted, then maybe you can't blame her for not fixing her car. OR maybe she is a mooch and you need to ditch her.
Whores. 
12-12-2006, 07:54 PM
#31
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This sounds very filmilar, what you have to do is try to weight out your option, could it be that she was drunk and her friend instilled it in her to say that to you? Could it be possible that she has someone on the side? Is she a good person to you all the time? Does she do the things shes supposed to (pay half rent, pay for groceries one in a while etc,? Think aobut this all. If you decide that the reationship has gone sour and that h=she is tryiing to stick it to you, then you stick it to her, you leave with all ur stuuf, find an apptment you can afford with the nessary items. If you decide that she was wong due to human error (being drunk and not being all together, then try to work things out, see what is wrong and try to do things the kind, loving way. I can see that you have been very compassionate to your situation, but i can't stress enought to weight out everything. Go home, make a list of everything and just think about it, is it worth it? talk to your bestfriend and see what he has to say. Lastly, don't take this entire matter ot heart as people can change very much in a short period of time.
12-13-2006, 01:05 AM
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i lived with my gf for 1.5 years and were a couple for 2 years before moving in. things went south in a hurry though. i feel you bro on the coming home 4 hours late drunk thing. she used to come home at 4 a.m. drunk and pick fights. i moved out and left her with paying the apartment on her own. she later couldn't afford it and had to move in with friends and then parents. my point is...a relationship like that is not worth fighting for, she has no respect for you because she has no respect for herself. there are plenty girls who will stay at home at night and try to make your house a home and not a burden. in any case, tell her to move out and sublease the house or get a roommate. good luck.
12-14-2006, 12:05 PM
#35
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any update on the situation? sometimes you dont relize how your relationship is untill you live with someone. Thats when you find out who the really are. do you guys spend most of your free time together. if so that my be a problem. you need to live your own life (ie your own friends, do things without each other) as well as your life with your s/o. at this point i dont see it working out but thats juts me and i really dont know jack shit so w/e. i hope it works out for you brother. good luck
12-15-2006, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by 97BlackAckCL
Ok, I float around D&R quite a bit and hope I can get some real advice. I've lived with my girl for like 3 years. We until reccently had a very good relationship, lately living together has become rather difficult, she nags all the time, we argue all the time, and at times hate each other. I know that happens with anyone you live with (I've had at least a dozen roommates) but it's tougher when a relationship is involved. Last night she stays out 4 hours past when she told me she was having "1 drink" comes home, wakes me up after I waited up for her for almost 4 hours before going to sleep, and tells me she wants to move out and back to her parents house after talking to her best friend who is a complete bitch to everyone and thinks she's better than everyone. My take on it, is that she wants to go back to living with mommy and daddy because she is sick of paying rent and is trying to cheap out on me. She's complained time and time again that she hates paying so much rent (I rented a house around the corner from her work so she could walk to work because she didn't have money to fix her car which hasn't left my driveway in a year plus) And she loves our house, but all of the sudden wants to move out and of course she took it back after she said it saying that she just wanted to "get my attention" but i dunno what to do. I love her to death, I'm just so tired of fighting. The thing that really pisses me off is she's trying to back out of a lease that we signed, and stick me with all the responsibility, and I can't pay all the rent myself or I'll be a broke mofo. And I dunno if it's more a game because she took it back after I threw the lease and rent issue in her face. What do people think, opinions?
Rent's a bit much for her, but she manages it. She has not wanted to make the effort to fix her car until I told her she has to fix it for winter cuz I'm sick of cheuffering her around all the time, and she's been saying she'd fix it since april when her tax return came in. She is happy not "having" a car and being driven around, she got used to not paying insurance or gas. So no it's not really a money issue, she just likes being a mooch as far as the car goes
Rent's a bit much for her, but she manages it. She has not wanted to make the effort to fix her car until I told her she has to fix it for winter cuz I'm sick of cheuffering her around all the time, and she's been saying she'd fix it since april when her tax return came in. She is happy not "having" a car and being driven around, she got used to not paying insurance or gas. So no it's not really a money issue, she just likes being a mooch as far as the car goes
Sorry for the late response. Your friend sounds very irresponsible and very dependent. You should treat this problem like any normal roommate situation, make sure she signs the lease form if she ever decides to leave. I understand you love this girl but do you really want to be with someone who is really that irresponsible? Love can make you do crazy things, but while you're young, you should really think this thru. I hope everything works out
12-19-2006, 12:12 PM
#37
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Originally Posted by evilone
any update on the situation? sometimes you dont relize how your relationship is untill you live with someone. Thats when you find out who the really are. do you guys spend most of your free time together. if so that my be a problem. you need to live your own life (ie your own friends, do things without each other) as well as your life with your s/o. at this point i dont see it working out but thats juts me and i really dont know jack shit so w/e. i hope it works out for you brother. good luck
12-19-2006, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by ACIRE
97BlackAckCL,
Sorry for the late response. Your friend sounds very irresponsible and very dependent. You should treat this problem like any normal roommate situation, make sure she signs the lease form if she ever decides to leave. I understand you love this girl but do you really want to be with someone who is really that irresponsible? Love can make you do crazy things, but while you're young, you should really think this thru. I hope everything works out
Sorry for the late response. Your friend sounds very irresponsible and very dependent. You should treat this problem like any normal roommate situation, make sure she signs the lease form if she ever decides to leave. I understand you love this girl but do you really want to be with someone who is really that irresponsible? Love can make you do crazy things, but while you're young, you should really think this thru. I hope everything works out
12-19-2006, 12:43 PM
#39
why don't you try quietly asking any of your friends if they want to move in? why don't you tell her to fucking just fix her own damn car? tell her to save up, becuase you won't be driving her around anymore
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