REDLINEN

Well guys please help me, Im 23 and just had my first child. The only problem is me and the mom are no longer together. We broke up nine months ago just after we found out that she was pregnant. Now we have been trying for 3 years too have a child and we lost 2 babies before we had my son. Now after we broke up (which was not the first time this is like the 20th break up) I meet some one that I have been seeing for the past nine months. Now after I meet her we fell in love. We are both 23, love the same things, love each other very much and just really have so much too offer each other. Now she is a social worker and I work in Radiology at a local hospital. Now in the past 9 months we have done so much together and the love just grows, We have plans on buying a house real soon and just overall good life plans. Now I love this girl soo much that I wish that I would have meet here atleast a year earlier. But here is my dilema I love her and wanna spend the rest of my life with her but my baby's mom keeps saying she loves and misses me now that my son is here (a week old) she wants to be with me and is ready to treat me right. Do I trust her and lose my soulmate to try and be a family with my baby's mother or do I like I have already started tell her it did not work before and it wont work this time and just be there for my son?

SDCGTSX

You are screwed. Give up now. J/k.

Shit, but you are screwed. No easy answers. I'd say don't lose nobody and don't give yourself to nobody. You should be a dad and a father and still be able to be a boyfriend. You don't have to tell your baby mother no. Just be a man and try to keep control without giving in to either the baby mother OR your girlfriend. Try to keep both until a good answer comes to your head....

REDLINEN

Well I though about it and it would kill me too lose the girlfreind . I have only known her 9 months but I love her soo much. We sleep together everyday, and have for atleast the past 7 months. Its like I need to be with her we still cuddle each other all night its like no love I have ever had. i lose none for her everyday it gets stronger. If I even think about loosing her it tears me apart. Now with the baby's mom I have small physical attractions but her attitude kills it for me. And as far as my son I would give them both up for him lol . But serious The fucked up thing is the baby's mom knows how much I wanna be their everyday too see my son and for every lil thing and she is using that as leverage. She said she would never do anything fucked up like keep him away from me or lil stupid things but she tried to get too me by everytime I wanna go over her saying she was leaving.

amisconception

Be the best father you can be to your son. That's an obligation that you must stick to.

But don't give up what you have with your girlfriend for her. You sound like you want to be with your new girl, not the ex. So do that. As long as you treat your son well, that's all that matters. The ex doesn't need you as much as the son does.

REDLINEN

Yeah ill be their as a father without a doubt.

JJ4Short

My biggest problem is why would you try to have a child with someone you broken up with 20 times? THink a kid is gonna fix your relationship?

REDLINEN

No. But we were together and we were planning on being together before the final break-up. Thats when I said enough was enough and by then it was a lil too late. And abortion is not an option too me.

Dr.Murdock

I would just make sure the son is really yours before moving any further

SDCGTSX

Looks like the mother needs to grow up and mature. She's using the baby as a way to get to you and that's messed up on her part. Just make it clear that you are in another relationship and that you want to be a father but not a husband. You are in a grown up situation. Gotta be grown up.

ric

If you and your child's mom broke up about 20 times, it hardly speaks well for the maturity of the relationship, and the fact that you share a child, with all of the complexities of raising a child, will only exacerbate the situation. Sounds as if the relationship may have been driven more by chemical attraction than "true love" in any case. If you tumble for your kid's mom's emotional blackmail, you will pay until your kid gets old enough to run his own life, which bodes ill for the next twenty years or so...... She, faced with remorse over having tanked the relationship 20 times or so, is trying to "make good" and she may be being staggered by the concept of raising a kid as a single mom, loving dad in the wings notwithstanding.

Your choices are complex. IF you do choose to re-enter a ltr with your child's mother, then do so only with the proviso that the two of you seek marriage counseling and that you both enter into that counseling in good faith, with an open heart.

To some extent, the relationship with the young woman of the moment may be something of a "red herring" in terms of the issue at hand; the real issue is whether you really want to return to your kid's momma. Would you do so if you were not in a fresh and loving relationship that seems to hold promise? if the answer is yes, then something is there. If the answer is no, then structure your relationship with your ex so that the two of you focus on the care of your child, and she "gets over it". Again, a skilled counselor can assist the two of you in establishing appropriate boundaries so that she does not play games using the kid as a pawn in some malignant emotional gaming exercise. For you to achieve appropriate boundaries with this immature emotional volcano that you have a kid with, you need to define parameters - financial, time, issues that bear mutual decision-making, etc, and set up a regular time for the two of you to talk about his parenting and his lifechoices....... Given your employment at a hospital, your employee health folks should be able to give you a good and confidential line on effective counselors in the community with tested experience and capability that you can speak with. It may even be someone on staff - a clinical social worker, etc.

Now - returning to the lovely young woman that you've had nine months with. You need to be absolutely clear that you are not a "solo act" but a single dad, with significant emotional and financial obligations to your kid. If she is as wonderful as she is, she will embrace the opportunity to support you. If that committment freaks her out, or she does not want to accept that your kid is part of your life, then that young woman ain't good for the long haul either.

Good luck.

SpeedyV6

I'd have to agree with Amis on this one.

slayer202

does the new girl know about the old? gotta work something out where you take care of the son but nothing more with the mother. ask the girlfriend for some advice, and explain you want to be with her, but also need to take care of the son

REDLINEN

Yeah he is mine.

SilviaGTO

take care of the son, do not get back with the mother. I think Ric nailed it on the head. she doesnt want to raise the baby alone.

If she didnt treat you right before, why is she going to now? And why break your new girls heart???

SDCGTSX

Is he THAT ugly? j/k.

REDLINEN

Well the new girl knows and has known from the begining about the whole story and has been very supportive in this situation. My only thing is that I dont want my ex too use my son too try and hurt me. Its kinda funny because my ex is 27 and im 23 and she acts like she is 15 sometimes thats what bothers me. I have been at work since 10:30pm yesterday im doing a double and she just called me saying that she wants her familily back. Its not fair she is making me feel like im running away from a family when thats not the case at all.I have seen my son everyday since he was born and would continue that unless there are circumstances that prevent that and they would have too be very good reasons.So me running away is no issue. I have told her that we will not work like we have not worked before and she still pursues me I dont know what else to do.

REDLINEN

Yeah looks just like daddy!!!! lol

Eggplant-EX

Do not marry your baby's mother if you do not love her. Pay the child support and be in your child's life. Marry the one you love, but truth be told, 23 is still young to get married. Wait till 25 and you are sure.

REDLINEN

Yeah I was not thinking anytime soon maybe next year ill be 25 then (birthday in dec) But only with the new girl I just know she is the one, Even my family tells me stay away from the B.M. and marry the G.F. Even mom gave the thumbs up and thats a first.

ric

Your new girlfriend sounds like a sweetie, and sounds like the real thing.

The only thing going back to your kid's mommy would do is get her to stop complaining about your being away. She will, I guarantee, find something else to complain about, because that is her pattern. And, if she is "bugging" you at work about your work committments, she clearly does not have a firm grasp of the real world.....

Shift_it

Sounds like your happy with new GF. Keep her, but expect to be a father figure to your child still and pay your dues (child support.). Hope your X-GF can accept that. Life goes on, just make sure your always gonna be part of your childs life and let old GF know you moved on.

Good luck on your new relationship

Shift_it

hey BTW.. notice you said your in Radiology. May I ask if you went to school for that or did you work yourself up @ the hospital to get into Radiology?

I like to get in the same field, but w/o joining the military ehat kind of school is there to study for Radiology? Sorry this was thrown off topic of your post.

SDCGTSX

You are either a doctor, nurse, or physician's assistant. If you want to be a radiologist, you have to be a doctor, if you want to be a radiology assistant, you have to be a nurse or pa. I think pa's can prescribe or give some medication that nurses can't and so they make more money.

doopstr

Keep in mind that her hormones are off the chart because she just had that baby.

I wouldn't even consider going back to her for a least a few months. Give her body time to chill out.

Repost this if she still wants you 6 months from now.

CL Platano

Move on with your current girlfriend and make sure you youre the best father and role model you can be to your son. Your ex girlfriend has had plenty of chances, just make sure you get everything squared away in the court system so she can't screw you in the end.

tonio

Pretty interesting, I had a similar situation (without a girlfriend) but my ex and I were broken up by the time my son was born.. since then we've been on and off. Take it from me it doesn't get any better. My son is 4 years old now and his mother still does and say the same thing.. her response to everything is "I just want my family" and tries to lay the guilt trip of me not being there all of the time.

Just be a father to your son, that is all that you can do. The situation hits home with me because I grew up in the same situation my son is in now so I am sensitive to what he is going through. Its rough sometimes, other times his mother only assures me that I made the right decision. Either way good luck with the new girlfriend.

TLEXTREME

dude, i gotta agree with everyone else, take your time in your decision, you have alot of desions to make legelly coming up if you and ex live in same cummunities alls well if you dont, start the legalities to have primary custody or at least shared. by the time that pans out you should be on a whole different playing field with new girl.
me:
25y/o-married twice
divorced once
total kids -5
2 mine 3 my wife
full blown custody battles-3 and 1 currently due to change of situation.
happy as hell now
my wife is 35 and a math teacher
believe me take your time --the kid is the factor first not the women
anything you decide --AFFECTS THE KID

sipark

dragonlord

I agree with everyone else. I too have an ex. We have been divorced for 2 years, seperated for 4 years before that. My kids right now are 16 y/o daughter and a 13 y/o son. I left the first time, couldn't take the controlling nature of the ex. We talked after a while and I moved back in. Six months later she was back to the same BS. I had to start the divorce all over again. Cost me lots of $$$! But I would never get back with the ex. Just got married 4 weeks ago to the best wife ever! But the ex is still saying that her and I belong together, as a family, and that she is the best thing for me. First of all- take care of that son of yours. The mom will never come around to where she said she wants to be. Second- do what ever makes YOU happy. I am still to this day trying to make everyone else happy before me. (That means Ex, Daughter, Son, and Wife). But you reach a time in life (not a second childhood!), where you tell yourself-F this. I'm gonna do what makes me happy. That's when the TL came along, and next summer comes the RJS body kit, CAI, and some new shoes, and possibly the Greddy exhaust pictured in the forum.

Good luck and best wishes!

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

I always say that a having a child with some one is a big deal and a long term committment. However, that commitment is to the kid, more than to the mother. If you love someone else, be the best dad you can be and be honest with the baby's mother. You need to remain friends with her since you'll be seeing her all the time.

Good luck.