Babyfer

doesn't she talk about anything that interests you? how long have you been together?

Mike 350Z

Can't really elaborate bec she reads the forum from time to time but basically she just wanted to vent and I thought maybe she'd like to hear some next steps she could take to solve the problem and she took it the wrong way. I guess she thought i was insulting her or something and wasn't being a good listener even though that's exactly what I was trying to do. Somewhere along the line after it was all done she said something like "if i wanted your advice I would have asked for it." And I thought 'you could have said that 2 hrs ago and saved us both the trouble.'

1Louder

I could not help but smile and chuckle. Happens to us all - believe me this is more art than science.

Sometimes I come right out and ask, "Do you want some suggestions or should I just listen for now?". If the next thing out of her mouth is not "Well what you think?" then my advice is to file away any suggestion or advice and never let it leave your mouth. Maybe cycle back around in a day or two and ask, "say - how's that issue you were telling me about." but do NOT offer unsolicited advice in these situations. The safe way out of this gentlemen is to end the conversation with, "I'm really sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?". If the answer does not begin with a "Yes", consider youself done with the conversation. .

Most women want to be understood and appreciated. So the process is simple:

Understand. Appreciate. "Is there anything I can do".

YoungCeo

More solid advice especially that last one....after she's gone on and on...i feel like i have nothign to say....but that is a perfect response to whatever she's been talking about...lol...........

philly fresh

just do as i do with my girl, and tell her to hurry the fuck up and get to the point. no need for extra info

YoungCeo

Went home this past easter and we had some time to spend together. It was pretty good. The long distance thing works ok most of the time. This week, she wants to come up here. My original thought was that it makes more sense for her to wait a week to spread out our visits...she said "fine" but I could tell she didn't really like it. So I said, you're always welcome at my place, but I just thought it made more sense. I really had planned on taking it easy this weekend, chillin with the guys etc...and now I'm not going to be able to do that. It is what it is I guess. On some levels I feel like I can't communicate with her. On some levels, I CAN but just choose not to b/c I'm avoiding conflict. In the end, she'll come and I'm not going to be in my 100% excited mode b/c my weekend will be filled with activities with her and her daugther, and I just want to chill. Sigh...oh well. I guess its my choice so I have to deal with it.......

Maybe I just have overall relationship issues? Maybe I'm not happy with my current situation? Someone tell me....wtf is my problem?

1Louder

First order of business on when she said she wanted to come up - you may have said "why don't we spread these out", but what she heard was "I dont' want you to come". I'd put a 95% guarantee on that. Her "fine" was probably that thought going through her head.

It's really difficult on a forum like this to give meaningful advice becase a) we don't know all details and b) I'd be willing to bet none of us are trained relationship counselors. So that last question you asked is a significant one. I think it would be irresponsible to give you a "stay together" or "break up" answer. So I'll give you some questions to think about.

Where to you want to be in your life, and her involvement in your life, in 5 years?

If she broke up with you tomorrow, can you see yourself getting over it and finding someone else? Would you beg her to stay? Would you do what ever it takes to keep the relationship?

Can you imagine what your future life will be like and you're OK with the fact she may or may not be in it?

I'd give those some thought.

One last thing to think about: Some people are not spontaneous and change is a source of frustration. They are planners by nature, and get an idea in their mind of how something is going to be, and have a very difficult time moving off the "plan". I'm 110% like that. If on Wednesday I had an idea of what I wanted to do that weekend, and was looking forward to it, and that got disrupted, I don't react well at all. Whatever disrupted it, I will (to a degree) resent it. Some people are just wired that way.

If this sounds like you, best thing you can do is acknowledge it. The important thing is this: if you are like that, you'll be irritated because the weekend got interrupted, not because SHE interrupted it. Would you be equally frustrated if instead of her, it was a buddy who wanted to come cry on your shoulder over a relationship? Or someone asking for a ride to an airport 3 hrs away? Seperate whether you are frustrated because of the interruption, or because she interrupted you. This is another good thing to think about.

And if you are just wired that way, you'll need to work on living with it and not taking it out on your loved ones. They are not the problem - the interruption is the problem. I wrestle with this weekly.

Good Luck.