where do i begin....


I was 15 she was 14 when we met, she was my first everything and i was hers although she had like 2 boyfriends brfore me and just kissed and crap.

I lived in NYC and she lived in WA state, we met online (i know i know)

I would fly over once a month because i had a job and so money to fly over

She moved to NY when she was 17 and had been living with me

Everything was perfect for about the first 3 years, she was very happy with me and i was with her

Starting the 4th year we started to have little fights, and disagreements and what not

We have two beautiful daughters together one is 3 and half and one is almost a year old

She had been living with me in NY until about a year ago until we moved back to her home town cus she missed her family and stuff.

For the pst 6 months she had been wanting to go out and have fun and told me she feels old and wants to feel young again and i said ok and didn't think anything of it.

It stated out as going out with her sisters than with her cousin's and about 2 months ago she stated to go to parties and what not, again i didn't think anything of it because i knew that we have kids and she feels like she wants to have a little fun in her life.

Dec, 18 we had a big fight about how she is always going out on weekends and coming home almost drunk or drunk at sometimes and how all she wants to do is fucking sit on myspace, never help around the house and just simply doing nutting but working, parting and myspace and what not.

She had been working for about 3 months and i was staying home and taking care of our kids because before that iw as working and she was taking care of the kids and she said that she wants to work and i should stay home with the kids for a while, so i said ok.

After the 18 (big fight) i steeped on the couch, Dec, 22 comes around and she calls her brother to come pick her up and he does. so she leaves with the kids and takes a cuple of days worth or clothes.

I don't here anything from her until Dec, 25 (Christmas day) i call her and i couldn't reach her. i decided to drive down to her moms house witch is about 30 miles away to find her spending christmas with her family, witch is cool but i am her family too even though we are not married and she could have invited me

I take her out ask her what is going on and i am sorry and that i miss her and asked when she is coming home and she said she doesn't know, i got pissed because i didn't like that answer and i left.

Dec, 27 i go over to her moms again and beg her to come home and she started to tell me that she isn't happy at the house and is going to move in with her mom. i was very pissed and finally convinced her to come home and told her we will talk about it when we get home.

We never talked about it because i figured ok now that she is home she will stay but i guess while i was taking a shower she like fucking packed up a ton of her and the kids clothes and told her brother to come pick her up again

I was fucking pissed and screaming and what not and telling her that she is being stupid and but she left anyways, slowly over the next couple of days she stated to tell me that she doesn't wanna be with me anymore because she isn't "IN LOVE" with me anymore although she still wants to be friends and still loves me very much cares about me and doesn't wanna hurt me

WTF! WTF! WTF! that is all i am thinking at this point. i ask her how can i make everything better and about about asking like 50 times she says get a job, play less games and pretty much have no life so thats what i did because i love her enough to do all this

I got a job within about a week go to her all exicited and tell her the good news and well she tells me that she thought that everything was gonna get better and she thought wrong and that she still doesn't wanna be with me.

Even till today she is living at her moms house and never calls me i always have to call her and really belives that we will never be together again but i for some reason keep having hope and can't seem to give up and keep begging her to come back almost everyday

I have lost interest in everything i ever did. i have no desire to play games go out with friends be online or anything. the only thing i do is listen to music and sit around home thinking about her and how i should try to bring her back.

I have lost 27lbs in the past month because i am never hungry. i was 185 and now i am like 158.

I am going out of my mind, i feel like i need depression pills. i can't sleep at night and this is really really hard on me because i can't seem to let go

My family says it seems like she has moved on and so should i but i can't seem to do it.

Should i keep hope and just let her be for a while and see whats happens or what should i do. i can't even go see my kids because she is there and than i feel like hugging and kissing her and i can't and it is very painful.

I am away from home and away from everything i knew because of her and i am going crazy. i don't know who else to ask so please help

Sorry for a really really long post but i didn't realize i wrote so much


PS: she has been going out with friends who are guys and tells me that they are just friends and she is a honest person so i believe her.

 

I would seek professional help to get you through this.

 

I will go ahead and add Cliff noted because other wise i will get flamed.

Girlfriend of 8 years and mother of our 2 kids left about a month ago and says that she isn't in love me with anymore WTF should i do??

 

i was afraid of that

 

When my dad passed I was having a really difficult time. I saw a shrink...took anti-depressants for a bit...it helped.

I am sure Tom Cruise may have a different idea though.

 

i don't even tell anything to anyone i know because i don't want them to know this shit time that i am going through. i have only told my mom but all i said was that she says she doesn't wanna be with me and wants me to move on and my moms says well than move on sooo yeah.

 

Not sure if I would consider it over, sounds like things can be worked out. Like Killer said, get some counciling.

 

From my experience, which was very similar, sans children however, we were the same thing, first everythings yada yada yada, we dated for 5 years straight, she started acting very similar to your g/f ended up spliting up and I found out from another source that she was seeing another dude during the demise of our relationship (we were barely talking once she started talking to him) but that was essentially her motivation to leave. I was pissed cause I asked her several times her reasoning but got nothing even though I knew why she was done. I was heart broken and emotionally destroyed, this happened at the beginning of the summer (may1) I think I was more pissed about the lying than anything else but that's hard to prove if that was my real anger.

Anyways I spent my summer going to work (12-9) being pissed off the hole time there, coming home being pissed and just moping around be a lazy emotionally distraught waste case, I lost weight too, was not eating etc etc, not going out or talking to people. I would say this was one of my lowest points I've ever been in. I lost a lot of friends spending too much time with her, and when we were done, I didn't have really many people to talk too, and In my circle of friends I always thought that this wasn't the shit you talk about with doods.

Was I ever wrong, i don't know how you are as a person, but myself, I'm emotionally secluded and do not share shit with anybody. Lucky for me, one of my few friends dragged me out drinking one night with him, and It changed my whole outlook on things. Sometimes a good ass kicking of shots and beer can actually do you good if your with the right people, I got drunk enough to share my feelings and was given soo much perspective by people who were not in long term relationships that it really made me realize what I was missing as a person. That night changed my life and my outlook on things, It also recovered my summer from being all sad at shit to understanding what I want in a woman, and realizing what I had learned from my failed relationship.

I'm not saying, go hit the bottle and all will be revealed, but you'd be surprised how smart your close friends are, and that the actually do care about this stuff, it will probably take a whole pile of weight off your shoulders by sharing this shit with someone you trust, it just took me a really drunken night to understand this and to open up.

You'll be fine and eventually move on to love someone else, but don't spend too much time trying to satisfy her, because you never will, at this point just better yourself and make her see what she lost, but don''t try to get her back. And start eating for crying out loud!!!!!

 

i never drank ever before maybe i would take a sip once a year or so but for the past week i have been buying a fucking bottle of bacardi after work everyday and i drink my self to bed witch usually happens around 5am and than i get up at 8am to get ready for work again and good thing is that my eyes don't turn red when i am drunk as fuck other wise my job would have probably have fired me by now thinking i am doing drugs or something. i don't even get hang overs i just stay buzzed all day it feels like but i try to act as normal as possible.

 

Go get help, this is destructive drinking and will not help your state of mind. Honestly just talking to friends will help you sooooo much, or if you have a brother that is mature talk to him, it's family they don't judge and can offer so much advice. Drinking just so you can sleep will only make things worse man. drugs/alcohol fuck up your reasoning and make everything seem irrational.

You have to realize you guuys started dating when you were too young and simply grew apart. People change soo much during the time frame you were dating that it's too be expected that you simply to match anymore, it's nobody's fault its just a fact of growing as a human being. Sure it sucks now and you feel like shit, but you'll move past that and realize what you really want, right now you think it's her, but that will change as you get through the feelings of betrayal and understand what really happend. The problem is right now your feelings are getting in the way of rationality and until you accept those feelings you won't understand why things make sense. So stop drinking, take some time for yourself and do what you need to in order to understand how your different from when you started dating and that you've grown apart.

 

I hope this is a joke, if not, seek help!

 

I agree with killer.. get some professional help. The drinking you are doing is only going to make things worse. Good luck with everything.

 

I had a gf of 5 or 6 years.... can't remember (because I simply forgot about that bitch)!

Back 2005, she wanted to go out, party because we never did that when we were in a relationship. After going out, not calling me, she met a guy and started banging him. To make a long story short I found out, and confronted her, and forced myself not to see or hear from her again.

I was soooo damn depressed for almost a year! I could not eat, or sleep, I cried so much.. blah blah blah... What I did was started meeting new people, going out with my friends to places I thought I would never go, and simply forget my past...which I did. It was great getting drunk every weekend.. and I guess everyone goes through a phase in life where they just want to party like my ex, or your gf.

It's been almost 2 years, and I don't give a fuck about that ho! I'm dating a new girl for over a year now. I'm a stronger person, and I learned from most of my mistakes. I threw all her pics, and letters away, and started over again with myself. The slightest thought about her, will bring me anger....

It's hard since you have kids, but hang in there. Maybe she might realize that you're the one, and she'll come back. Just hang in there and take one day at a time. Good luck.

 

When I was depressed after my long relationship... all I did was drink. This was almost 2 yrs ago.

I spend money on drinks for me and my friends. I come to work feeling F'ed up sometimes 6 o'clock in the morning. I still went to work and did what I needed done.

I drank for a solid 6 months.. and I believe it's a phase. I grew out of going to bars, and clubs, but I'll have a beer once in a while.

The time I stopped drinking the hard stuff was when I hurled on myself when the bar was closing... luckily I have friends I trust who took care of me when I down.

To the OP... there's always a bright light ahead..... if I made it... you can make it too!

 

Hey, I really feel your pain. While I wasn't in a relationship nearly as long as you (only 3 years) it was during 18-21ish age and things changed big time. I was two years older and guess i went thru the party/get drunk stages and while I always partied with the ex as soon as she hit 21 and moved in with her crazy best friend I heard the exact same things as you. She was always drunk or high and wasn't sure she was in love anymore.

I will spare you all the details but things got really bad and i got super depressed. I completely avoided all friends, even my two best friends i lived with, and just went to class and that was pretty much it. Like someone else said when people finally drug me out to the bars and i got drunk I told them everything and they really helped me out a lot. I started to realize that I was still young and there was someone better for me. I went home with random girls from parties and stuff which was fine for a bit but ended up moving, getting a real job, living alone, and as gay as it sounds realizing who i was. I am now in a relationship which im not sure about but I am more then comfortable alone and may actually prefer it so if things get bad I will be ok without her.

I strongly recommend you seek prof help but also accept she is over and stop calling as hard as it is because everyday of not calling makes it easier. She will probably go crazy with guys but will start to realize you may be best for her but you have moved on and she will want you more. I have no ideas about the kids really because that is something i cant relate to but you really really have to move on asap or this will ruin your life.

 

That is a phase he should avoid...

 

Damn dude. That sucks. I agree that you need to get some professional help.

It's tough with the kids. But remember being drunk is not healthy for them either. I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm trying to tell you that the fact that your girl is gone, is no reason for you not to be the best dad you can be. You can definately move on from this. You just have to be really strong.

 

If you're drinking that much, you're likely driving drunk...

If she says she doesn't love you, believe it. Nothing you do will change that. Have your time of mourning, spill it out to your friends, your family, a shrink... someone. Then move on. I know, more easily said than done, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll have your life back.

 

You're not likely to change her mind. Make peace with her and move on. You will have to for your kids.

 

Oh man, I'm really sorry to hear all of this happened to you.

My advice since I am going through something very similar sans the kids and her actually leaving my pad is to let it be. Call up close friends that are there for you, get your kids and take them out. Talk to your family more and have the ex kick rocks, only communicate if it's regarding the kids or any finances that you may have shared.

Show her that you'll be just fine without her. I have been told this before and I will pass it down to you, everything happens for a reason and problems have a way of working themselves out.

Reserve the drinking for going out with buddies. If this has affected you as much as you say, maybe even speak to a professional. Your HMO should cover it.

Good luck and keep us updated. We got your back...

 

Hey man, what's up? You alright over there? I'm going to talk to you for a second. It may get a little long like your post by the time I finish, LOL, but you seem to have a lot of time on your hands right now. I won't bullshit you, or give you the macho version, just real talk. Some of what they already said will be in here, some of my own...but take a listen because it's all helpful.

First...put that bottle down. 3 1/2 and almost a year old are two very good reasons why, to start. The other is yourself. You are a man and a father now. So you can't forget about the world right now. You have to very much stay connected, you have to live. And your life can't be anything of value if you have no idea which way is up. So put it down, be a man, and deal with the world that you made. You may not like the world you made, or have been forced to live in, but it is your world, and those kids need a father. Because they, innocently, don't have a clue. So that's the first thing soldier, just put the bottle down and make sense of your world from a clear head. Because if you don't, one day this whole world may just be forced to go on without you. Cool? Alright...

Second...Don't hate the mother of your kids. Don't hate her. If you start hating her, you will never stop and it will effect everything you have to do and say to her in the future as far as those kids. Your kids need to have a stable environment after this split, even though everything is a little crazy right now. So don't hate her. Don't even try to understand why she left you the way she did. It won't help the hurt. If you didn't understand when you were with her, why would you understand sufficiently when your world is crazy? It may not be for you to understand, and right now anyway, to use a football analogy, your focus needs to be on the team at hand, and not the players that can't or won't play. In other words, it's all about you and those kids now. If it was another guy or just wanting to get away, it doesn't change what "is". We all think we want to know if it was another guy, but that only serves to make things worse if we found out it was anyway. It only changes the answers that we have. Not the questions: Why, why, why? You understand?

But truthfully, you probably already know why. You just don't want to accept it. Because the fact of the matter is, no one ever just leaves. They tell us directly or indirectly, the reason they feel like shit and we just never pay attention because we say to ourselves, "oh they are just tripping and need to get over themselves" or think "what about the shit that you do that pisses me off". But when someone tells you over and over, that they are not happy over a period of time...you better listen, because it's coming. That inevitable, seemingly abrupt, ending. Play back your recent years with her in your mind, be objective and all of your answers are right there. Now, none of what I am saying is about her being right during those talks, fights or arguments. It's about you knowing WHY she is gone. You may not like it, but deal with it regardless. Because your girl has shown you that if nothing else...this is now her world, and she is intent upon making it the world that she can be the happiest with. So is she screwing around on you and with your head? Maybe. Is she just tired of what you guys had, it was bringing her down, and she just felt she couldn't be what you wanted or needed anymore in a woman? Probably. But one thing for sure, two things for certain...she is happier now. And you can be too. All you have to do is want to be. Not be happy despite "that bitch". Just be happy. She sounds like she is. She may have went about it the way that doesn't work best for you, but she is trying to be. She is trying to do something that will ultimately make her a better parent and you a better father, and that's to discard, and rebound, from the errors/troubles of her youth. Now, hopefully someone has the "need to be a woman and a mom now" talk with her too (that someone can't be you)...but she ain't in AZ! You are, so I got you!

It is no secret that you guys were young and in love. It probably seemed to you in hindsight, as well as when you lived it, that this was "your" world. Yours and hers together, and you were inseparable. Well, it probably was then to a couple of kids - you and her. But then you started growing up and doing grown-up things. You moved in together. You had a kid. You started living in the grown folks world. You left the Peter Pan era of fucking and living life without a care as long as we just had each other. Because once 1+1=3...the world around you changes. And this bundle of joy was at the center of your frustrations at a young age. You decided to give life, when you hadn't matured enough to understand your own yet. Because it was the right thing to do since you loved each other so much right? Wanted to see the manisfestation of that love in front of your eyes right? See a part of each other right?

But sometimes that can be so wrong. Much like in the same way that we want a cute lil puppy, but aren't realizing all the dirty work that comes with it. Kids are like that. Sitting up at the doctor's and having to take off work. The 3AM feedings when you gotta get up early for work and it's your turn. Playing videogames with the fellas and having to stop to feed the kid or change the pampers. Having to keep an eye on them all the time. The extra expense. The not being able to go and do things like you used to because of the kid and no reliable sitter. Then when you thought you may have gotten a handle on that...BAM!...you drop another one! Whether you wanted to or not, you just compounded the problem, or rather the source of your frustrations. So, instead of the experience making you closer, it pushed you farther apart. Now, I am NOT saying you regret having your kids. You probably love them to death. But are you reading what you asked us to read? Are you breathing in the life you lived for the last 4 years and making sense of it? It's all right there. In your girl's arguments and in her actions. She was bogged down and felt she needed a break from the routine that you guys had established. She tried to change it when she was there by switching who worked and stayed home with the kids. then she tried to change it with the partying. Then she tried to change it with you when she left. Nope...it had already run it's course in her. That's when she realized, in her mind, the way that "it" thinks, that the problem was living in the world you and her made. Not necessarily you anymore, just that world you guys made. The need to get away from that world was what was driving her crazy. She just identified it as you because it was you that argued with her about that life. When really, it was what you had both become: grown-ups that grew apart.

Your world can never be the same again, so stop thinking about it as it was, stop trying to resurrect it, and start thinking about what you want it to be. Because you will never get that world back because that means her getting it back too, her empathizing with you, and her needing that world too. She doesn't...on all accounts. Don't think about if it's somebody else or not that she wants to be with. Because even if she was with someone else, it's not the "someone else" that she ran to. It's a world that she can breathe in that she ran to. And that's what you need right now. A world that you can breathe in. One that has you enjoying life slowly but surely. Seemingly a lot slower than she has, but she had a headstart. She paid attention. She already knew your world together was falling apart because she paid attention. So listen! Look around you. Your world is changing again. Are you paying attention? Or are you just going to use alcohol as the reason why you couldn't this time? Pay attention. Don't go out trying to fall in love just yet. You aren't ready for it and will wind up screwing up your world more. But stop being alone with your thoughts. Go out with friends and talk about this. Get some laughter in it! Get laid if your dick still gets hard! (But wear a condom this time!) LOL! Have some fun! I'm just trying to tell you how to "cope". I'm not trying to tell you it won't hurt, because it will. Oh, it will because you loved young and deep! It's supposed to hurt, because if it didn't, you didn't love her. Hey, it hurts her too. But she knew it had to be. So now you "be", so you can be a daddy and a man too!

In closing...my words, and others on this forum are meant to help you understand or make heads or tails of things. They are not to diminish in impact, the pain you suffer right now. That is all about "coping". You may need professional help to cope if the advice given doesn't help with that as well. One thing I never try to tell a person is "I know what you are going thru". Because I don't. I cope and deal with my problems differently from you, even if I had a similar occurrence in my life. So seek help if you need it. But just like that booze...don't TELL yourself you need it. It's just a tool to use if you do. Live your life again first. Sometimes that's all we ever need. Go out and have some fun! And talk to the free shrinks - your friends. Not the family. Talk to them, too. But those are the hugging you and everything wll be alright talks. No, you still need the "fuck that bitch" talks. Hahaha...but like I told you, take it with a grain of salt. Laugh along, but remember...she's not a bitch...she's the mother of your kids. She's just different from you in how she deals with things. Different from the girl in your past world. But the same as you in the present world: a parent to those kids you both have. It's the respect in that, that will save you from a lot of headaches in the future. Save this typing I did...because if you forget that part, I want you to remember the point in your life where somebody tried to prevent you from unleashing that hell in your life and you didn't pay attention to them either. SO PAY ATTENTION!!!

Keep ya head up kid!

P.S. - There are no cliff notes because life has none. You have to live the whole thing...so read the whole thing. Plus, this isn't for you knuckleheads, lol, this is for our "brother" who needs help!

 

Well put DARK. I'm clapping from my desk.

 

Wow, this sounds pretty typical. Lesson to the kiddies, don't get married early. My GF in HS pretty much did the same thing, except we never got married (are you married??) or had kids. Soooo many things change after HS and in your early 20's.

To the OP, it really sounds like she's told you everything you need to know. The sooner you come to the realization, the sooner you can move on. I know its really difficult (I know I was upset for at least a week or so), but you have to understand that she didnt just come to conclusion that she doesnt love you anymore. This is something that takes time, and once she knew it, there is no way you can convince her otherwise. Unfortunately, life is not a movie.

PLEASE get help for your drinking issue. If you have health insurance at work, they should have a program that will allow you to see a mental health specialist and should be completely confidential. Also, you've got to start hanging out with your friends and confide in them.

Keep your head up...

 

Seek professional help...

Forget about what you feel and what you want from her...
Don't make the same mistake that I did and sit there waiting for her to come back for to long... its been a month... Did you guys have a place of your own with her name on it too???

STOP DRINKING!!!
Go file for custody of your two children...
Prove that you are the mature and worthy parent...
She abandoned her home and took your children out of a stable home...
Be prepared to have a custody battle and pay child support...

<~~~ broke it off with my GF of 5.5 years... We met at her 15 and me 17... I have a 4 year old and paying childsupport because of my lack of initiative at the beginning... She left her home and left my daughter with me... She came back to get my daughter... i should have called the cops... but that was in my situation... follow the list above... but before anything... I agree with killer... stop drinking... go seek professional help... Shrink and lawyer...

You can move on... you will move on... and will you do it will be the releif of your life... You'll do fine... man up and do it now! because (Sorry to break it to you so straight forward but) you are loosing time waiting for something that will never happen...

Good luck...

 

You need

 

I'm gonna be harsh and say you need to be a fucking man, not just another weak-minded jackass drinking his life away at a bar or at the dinner table every night. I don't care if it's "just a phase." It's a bitch excuse .. It's one thing to mourn a loss; it's another to completely destroy everything you used to be to be something worse.

She's probably looking at you now all drunk saying to her self "thank GOD I left him."

As others have said, get whatever help you need to get through this, whether it's a night with a few close friends, or on the professional level .. Things will get better, and that's a promise. But it won't happen on its own; you need to turn things around for it to happen. Good luck.

 

I don't mean to come across as being mean, because you have enough on your plate as is but from my experience woman who are kept happy don't wander. This is not a shot at you, when you've been in a relationship that long(which I never have been) it's very difficult to keep a woman satisfied, they want excitement and to feel wanted and needed; its all to easy to take family life for granted and not pay attention to her like you once did, the reason she fell for you in the first place. The trick with woman, is to make them feel like they the most important person in the world to you, to make her feel special. When I am in a relationship there is a routine I get into, its very healthy and I only share it with my married friends, but you seem to need some help, I call it "new, innovative and creative" what you do is once a week you find a special and unique way to let your woman know she's special to you. Don't allow yourself to become a big pussy in the process, you still are a man, but you can let her know you still love her as much today as you did when you first got together. Getting mad and yelling is only hurting your cause, what I would recommend doing is ask her out on a date, just the two of you, see if her mother will watch the kids. Take her to one of her favorite places, perhaps do the same thing you did on your first date(be it a movie, roller skating, etc....) let her know not with words, but with actions that you truly to cherish her and value everything the two of you have done together. Its hard to keep love alive, but if you want things to last you have to take care of your roll and never wander or waver - be the sturdy man she needs to support her.

Alcohol is the easy way out, with potential short term and long terms set backs. I was an alcoholic since I was 18, binge drinking, blackouts and more hangovers then I care to remember. I gave it up cold turkey for a number of reasons(which aren't worth getting into here), ironically, 7 months ago today and I have never felt better or been better. Its easy to slide into a live of alcoholism, it masks your problems, but one day when the haze lifts, be it tomorrow or 15 years from now, all your sorrow and problems are still sitting there and now they are only harder to correct. We all cope and mourn differently, but alcohol is a dangerous game to play, it can gobble up years, decades and lives before you know what hit you, don't allow yourself to succumb to that.

 

There's some great advice in here, Darksom really gave some great advice. Stay strong brotha!

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think your ex g/f is bored of a LTR and wants the excitement of being persued by other men. Its unfortunate that there are kids involved.
IMHO It will not do any good to persue her. The more you chase the faster she will run. It's better to just let her go and take the opportunity to get your life together and make new friends and learn how to live alone.
My advice is to start going to the gym and pump iron. The exercise with make you feel better because it clears your head. It improves your self confidence and also you will be healthier. You get ripped and you will forget about your ex cause you will have a lot of other interested ladies.
Try to stay away from depressants like alcohol and drugs. It only leads down the wrong path and takes years off yourlife.

Good Luck and Hang in there.

 

WOW!!! i am felling better today already because i finally feel like someone heard. i took everything into account that you guys said and darksom thanks a lot man i really appreciated your time that you took to write that it really means a lot right now.

The only reason i started to drink was so maybe i will not think about her and thats all. i fucking hate alcohol. i am gona try my best to stay the fuck away from it or atleast just for the weekends with some buddies.

What sucks is that most of my close friends all are in NY and the people i know here are not that close and i don't feel comfortable telling them all this, i feel like i want to go back to NY but that would mean not seeing my kids or having to fly over every time i wanna see them.

I don't think of her as a bad person and i do know that she loves our kids very much and i don't think i have the heart to take her to court for the kids even though i might feel different about this down the line.

I forgot to tell you guys some things that i missed in my orignal post and those things are that about 2 weeks after she left i went and picked her up and took her to dinner and had a long talk where she told me that she just feels like we went from step 1, 2 and than 5. she says we missed out on life. she says that the break up wasn't just a instant thing, that over the years all the little things have added up and this was the time to do something about it.

She also says that she just wants to be single and live life and doesn't want or need and man to make her happy. i asked if i should keep hope and wait and she said NO, she says go out have fun make friends and get a G/F if i have it and she says that if we we really meant to be together maybe year or 2 or 5 down the line we will be back together. but not to wait for her.

I asked if she was going to go have sex and stuff with guys and she says she has no desire to do any of those things right now and maybe in the fucture she will. i told her that if she feels like she needs to have sex to come to me because i want wanna get back with her in 2 months knowing that she fucked someone else and she thought about it for a minute and said ok.

Since than she came over and has had sex with me like 3 times and BTW our sex life couldn't get any better so i know that can't be one of the reasons she left, anyways about 3 days ago she told me that she is going to stop having sex with me because she feels like she is leading me on and making me belive that we are going to get back and thats about it.

So i guess the main question is so i just go ahead and leave back to NY or stay her and work and see my kids more often. if i was gonna move god only knows how i am suppose to do that being that i am kinda broke and have way to much shit in my house.

I really hope either she gets back with me soon or i hope i get over her soon because this is just nuts. but i def think i need sleeping pills for now just so i don't have to drink to get sleep.

Thanks for listening once and i hope i have a good day today, PEACE!

 

Dude, she's stringing you along and telling you what you want to hear so she dosent hurt your feelings. The questions you asked her were pretty loaded. Did you actually expect her to say "yes, I want to have sex with other men" right to your face??

My GF in HS did the same shit to me. For about 6 months towards the end of it, we'd have sex like once a week, mostly because she just felt bad. But of course she was going out and banging others. The faster you cut ties now, the quicker you can get over it.

I'm surprised you didnt have an argument over who was taking the kids? Did she just assume she would take care of them? I think you'll have a lot more opportunities in NY, im assuming you have family there that can help you out?

Sounds like you're on the right track though...Just take care of yourself.

 

 

I have a few replies for this, but you are welcome and thanks for checking in. Be back!

Oh yeah...STOP having sex with her dude...you only hurting yourself now and in the future...

Oh and I don't think she is stringing you along. I actually like the way she is being frank with you. Sex was not one of your bad points, and I am sure she feels comfortable with you and loves doing that with you...but she doesn't love you and told you that. Man you gotta appreciate and respect that in your current state. You are lucky you are getting answers, they are just not the ones you want to hear...they never are...so PAY ATTENTION! (remember)

 

You have to stay wherever the kids are. They are the ones who are the real victims here. They don't have a choice in the matter.
Luckily they are still very young and probably won't even remember when mom and dad were together as a family. That's not such a bad thing.
You do realize that you're going to have a relationship with this woman for the rest of your life, right? It's not going to be like what you thought it would be - happily ever after and all that shit - but you will be involved in her life and she in yours because those children need you both. There will be birthdays, graduations, and other events in the childrens lives that you will both be involved in.
The time to start defining that relationship is now. If you're fighting or agonizing over something that just doesn't exist anymore then you're not doing what you should be doing as a father. The kids come first, but you have to take care of yourself as well. They need you. And in order for you to be there for them - you need to be there. You can't parent a kid from the other side of the country.

 

If you stand any chance of moving on, you need to stop sleeping with her. NOW!!!

 

she basically gave the right advice. move on, dont expect her to change her mind and come running back to you. if you own a house then sell it and get something smaller.

 

1. Stop drinking, and don't make sleeping pills a habit.
2. Stop banging her.
3. Don't abandon your kids.
4. Accept that your relationship is probably over.
5. Get counseling if you need it.

 

Ok...had to make a lil run, now I'm back...let me address what you typed here:

WOW!!! i am felling better today already because i finally feel like someone heard. i took everything into account that you guys said and darksom thanks a lot man i really appreciated your time that you took to write that it really means a lot right now.

That's good to know dude! What's also good to know is that even if you can't get ahold of friends you know personally, that you can always come here and maybe get a little of what you need!

The only reason i started to drink was so maybe i will not think about her and thats all. i fucking hate alcohol. i am gona try my best to stay the fuck away from it or atleast just for the weekends with some buddies.

Dude, as long as you are not telling yourself you need to drink BECAUSE of what's going on now, or any reason for that matter, sure it's cool to down a few with the boys! But if I were you, I would restrict it to that for right now - just with the fellas to kick back and hang! You really do not wanna go down that road. It's an even longer one back than the current one. Glad you got your head on straight about that.

What sucks is that most of my close friends all are in NY and the people i know here are not that close and i don't feel comfortable telling them all this, i feel like i want to go back to NY but that would mean not seeing my kids or having to fly over every time i wanna see them.

I don't think of her as a bad person and i do know that she loves our kids very much and i don't think i have the heart to take her to court for the kids even though i might feel different about this down the line.

Stay with your kids dude! Stay and be a man! I mean stay in the vicinity of where they are and see them and help take care of them. It is wrong to punish those kids for what happened. And you would be doing just that. It has nothing to do with how good of a mother your ex is, and she is your ex, but rather that they deserve you both. You were there when times were the way you wanted them to be...now be there when it's time to roll up your sleeves! No matter how you spin it playboy, you are a deadbeat dad if you roll out. A hurt one, but one nonetheless!

As for child support and custody, I'm going to speak from experience. If you can not prove that your ex is unfit, they are going to give them to her. Plain and simple. they are already hers, you would have to win them away in court. Now, people on here might beat their chest, and say bullshit...but that is the truth! Do with that as you will! You don't need custody to be a father anyway. One of the reasons you guys had arguments in the first place was because of responsibility. I feel she will gladly give you equal time with them, and you and your ex can go to an attorney with an agreement for support. You can have joint custody and you both take turns paying agreed upon support when the other has them. You never even have to go to court. Court is a tool of the state when one parent decides to shirk their responsibility. THEY LOVE when you do it on your own out of court! There is no mandate that court take place if you split. That is always just the "reaction" of people when they split on less than amicable terms, and in some situations, it is best. But not all, and probably not yours. Remember when I said don't hate her and work with her? Well, if you step up and act responsible, without any provocation from her, and no conditions based on her seeing you, then that will speak volumes to her and help her breathe easy. It will work wonders for you too dude, trust me! Besides, your life is in desperate need of refocusing right now. You need time to right the ship. They are better off over there with Mama Bear right now. It ain't about her winning neither. It's about what's right for the kids. So start helping out with them right now. Time and money!

I forgot to tell you guys some things that i missed in my orignal post and those things are that about 2 weeks after she left i went and picked her up and took her to dinner and had a long talk where she told me that she just feels like we went from step 1, 2 and than 5. she says we missed out on life. she says that the break up wasn't just a instant thing, that over the years all the little things have added up and this was the time to do something about it.

I ain't even gonna say I told you so, but I knew you knew my brother...

She also says that she just wants to be single and live life and doesn't want or need and man to make her happy. i asked if i should keep hope and wait and she said NO, she says go out have fun make friends and get a G/F if i have it and she says that if we we really meant to be together maybe year or 2 or 5 down the line we will be back together. but not to wait for her.

Ok...this is not stringing you along. This is trying to say the right thing as best she could without hurting you. But it was laced with honesty. A nice NO, but a no...Pay attention...

I asked if she was going to go have sex and stuff with guys and she says she has no desire to do any of those things right now and maybe in the fucture she will. i told her that if she feels like she needs to have sex to come to me because i want wanna get back with her in 2 months knowing that she fucked someone else and she thought about it for a minute and said ok.

Since than she came over and has had sex with me like 3 times and BTW our sex life couldn't get any better so i know that can't be one of the reasons she left, anyways about 3 days ago she told me that she is going to stop having sex with me because she feels like she is leading me on and making me belive that we are going to get back and thats about it.

Dude...the sex has got to stop. Your wounds are too wide open and you are salting them up pretty bad with sex. Healing your mind, body and spirit before you have sex with anyone is best. But if you do decide to do it...definitely not with the author of the Dear John letter! And again, she is not leading you on. This (sex) was something about the both of you that felt good. Plus it was safe. So she did it. Be glad she's not a slut and didn't lay down with the first thing smoking to cure her urges! But she had to cut it short because she saw it was hurting you and that you felt led on, despite that not being her intentions. She cares about you, but she has also made up her mind, so she is stronger than you in her resolve right now. A part of her does still love you, don't get me wrong, but a very small part compared to her need to right her ship the best way she knows how.

So stop asking her about her private, yes, private life (other guys). Dude are you crazy? You really wanna know if she fucked someone else? No, you don't! You may think you do, but you don't. Because that is a hard thing to swallow. And, it's none of your business, just like who you screw is none of hers. Remember...two separate worlds now. So respect that. So she can respect you. Because I assure you snooping will lead to misery and more heartache, coupled with I don't want you around because you "won't or don't get it". Then you can't talk, and THEN you gotta go to court because she is convinced you are unreasonable and WON'T talk to you without a lawyer present. You don't want that man...so stay in your yard ok. Calm yourself with your own friends and things right now.

I really hope either she gets back with me soon or i hope i get over her soon because this is just nuts. but i def think i need sleeping pills for now just so i don't have to drink to get sleep.

She is not coming back. Come to terms with that. Even if she does, you don't want her back because you asked her to. You want her back on her own without any help from you at all!

Read a boring book and you will fall asleep. Watch a chick flick late at night, and you will fall asleep. But you "need" nothing. Stop saying that. You are just young, but you are alive. I don't know if you stay that way if you keep saying I NEED something to help me. You know something that guys and women alike forget when they lose someone special that they loved? That when they fell in love with them, they were looking for someone. As incredible as your ex is...you found her. You were not Siamese twins. You found her. So you see...it can happen again. But the next wonderful person can never come along, until you let the last one go...

Hang in there kid! Don't forget to stay in touch daily. This is not a first round knockout, but a 12 round fight. You need a corner crew!

 

Just keep your head on straight n stay strong. Been in tough situations before, it just takes time and strength to make it through...You'll be alright

 

Wow, threads like this really make me appreciate the amazing community we have here at Acurazine. Darksom1 you never cease to amaze me with your incredible advice. You are truely gifted at breaking stuff down to the nitty-gritty.

To the OP, man, I feel for ya. And as awesome as all the advice is that you're getting from everyone, there's one thing that's been mentioned quite a few times that I personally want to reiterate. Check with your insurance (if you have some, assuming you do since you said you're working now) and see if you're covered to see a theropist or psychologist. I suggest these two verses a phychiatrist just because I think mind over matter is the way to go verses the drug theropy.

The reason I want to iterate that is because I went through some tough shit a few years ago and felt like I had a million and one problems going on and couldn't even straighten one out, let alone a million! LOL! So I manned up and said fuck trying to figure this all out by myself, I need some help to figure this out and get to the core of my problems. It was honestly the bravest, smartest most liberating (yeah, I said liberating, I'm comfortable with that!) thing I've ever done. I started seeing this psychologist, an older woman, on my lunch breaks at work. At first I was all secretive about it because of course I didn't want people to think I couldn't handle my own shit, but after a few sessions and her getting me to see things that were right in front of my eyes the whole time, I just choose to ignor them, shit I was praising her and telling everyone about "my theropist". The point is, considering you're facing multiple issues right now, the ex, the kids, the job, the living situation, missing the friends and family in NY, you need someone's help, and like I said, as awesome as this advice is you're getting on Acurazine, there's nothing like sitting in a room and just feeling absolultely free to talk about anything, absolutely anything, to someone who is unbiased and unconnected to you. There won't be any "I told you so" or "You should've seen this coming" or "She's a bitch forget her and move on". You'll be hearing things like have you ever thought about how this might have effected you back then, or what do you think that means to you now, things like that, and once you get that first "holly shit how did I not see that back then" you'll realize going to see a theopist or psychologist was the best decision you could've made. For me it had to be a woman because the majority of issues I was facing were related to women (go figure, huh?) and let me tell you she gave me some incredible insight into the female psychie (probably hacked that spelling).

Anyway, just wanted to give my on going to see someone. To me a man is someone who can admit they need help. It's ignorant to think you can solve everything by yourself, especially since you feel alone in WA.

Hope this helps.