Wow, where do I begin? The simple stuff: we have two beautiful children 6 and 4 years of age. Both work (she from home) and earn about $150K jointly; plus we have plenty of equity (liquid and otherwise), low bills. As far as I know we've both been faithful. She's from an affluent town in Boston Metro, she's done ballet, played piano, enjoys musicals, theater, the nicer things in life. Me, I was raised by a single mother, in a New Jersey housing project. Although Mom didn't use drugs or drink, she took out her frustration on me when I was younger (both emotionally and physically). Needless to say, I'm not into broadway shows, ballet, or the fine arts. I am a diagnosed Obsessive, Compulsive, Panic and Anxiety disorder patient and take meds and therapy for these issues.

We both have some college education, we met when I was 26 and she 21 and have been together ever since. We have been through one session of marriage therapy, where she voiced her needs and desires (about 7 years ago). Cliff Notes: she wants a "partner", all niceties of dating (flowers, candy, candlelight dinners, nights out, etc.), shared interests.

I attempted to address these needs before the children arrived; she suffered post-partum with both. Now our youngest is 4 1/2 and I hope that my wife is not relapsing into post-partum (she takes no meds, refuses therapy). Wife is also, at the very least Obsessive - Compulsive (undiagnosed) but it takes one to know one IMHO.

Thirteen years ago we moved back to Boston from the Southwest because of lack of work. I figured we would be close to family (hers), the market was picking up here and we were both familiar with Boston so there would be zero acclimating. That has come back to hurt us; as her parents and grandmother have aged they've also gotten very ill. Wife has taken upon herself to do everything for them (from dad's business needs, to shuttling everyone to their doctor's, and all things in between, paying bills, ordering meds, tending house....).

We have our own home / family which she also tries to manage, and she puts in a 50 hour work week via computer at home. She's spread very thin to say the least.

She's become extremely resentful at how her life has evolved. She has issues with my family (still in NJ) particularly my mother. My folks refuse to come to Boston for visits because of their discomfort with wife. My wife isn't proactive in mending those fences.

Needless to say there's a myriad of things going on in our life than what I've written above.

Last night she tells me that she wants "to leave this all". I asked her, you mean you want to leave me? She said no, I want to leave everything, tending for her parents, the kids, her LIFE. Still confused I asked her, you want to leave me and the kids? She said, "well if I were dead, maybe you'd be happier". Or something to that effect, at this point I was in a state of shock.

I tried to get her to see that we have everything that middle class americans dream of having, a house, 2 kids, 2 cars, $$ in the bank, and that I love her. Life isn't perfect but she has ALOT to live for.

We talked some more last night and this morning but she's still very depressed. I asked her if we should engage marriage therapist again (no). Although she is considering seeing a psychiatrist after the New Year (flex spending).

I told her that I'd leave if it would help; she said she doesn't want me to leave. I told her to go visit relatives or take a trip without us, she balked at that. I am very scared, very sad, very nervous.

Any thoughts?

G

 

Sounds like she is just overwhelmed and overworked emotionally and physically, and just wants a break from it all (all the stress). I think it'd be pretty common for anyone in her situation to come to this point eventually. It doesn't sound like she's talking about the marriage --- just the stresses in her life at the moment.

 

...but how do I get her to take a break?

 

Does she have any siblings or other close relatives that could help take care of her family for a little bit while your wife can take a step back?

 

Take her on a vacation somewhere with a lot of sun.

 

Since you have some money in the bank, have her take some time off from work.

 

Her siblings are either raising their own kids or too wrapped up in their lives to contribute. So, she feels obligated to fulfill her duty (she's of Chinese heritage) whereas her siblings don't. It's a bad situation.

 

I take that to mean she doesn't want me and kids (and the responsibilities that come with that) around for awhile .

 

I suggest that you be a blt less 'proactive' and more supporting in backgorund. She needs to grow up.

 

When was the last time you guys went on vacation without the kids for a while?Can your parents or your parents watch them?

I'm sure it goes way beyond this, but it just sound like your wife needs to disconnect for a while and realized theirs more to life then the daily grind...

 

Even though you're interpreting things as she doesn't want you around right now, I read it as the complete opposite. Sounds like she needs your support and love now, more than ever! I just think she's overwhelmed and can't find some relief. I think she's looking to you to help her find some.

 

It's funny (strange), our "break" resulted in calling home to check on the kids regularly and shortening the trip because she missed them.

 

i think she needs to see a shrink and possibly be medicated.

 

I offered to stay home today, she's on vacation this week. I'm a contractor so no work no pay, but that's a non-issue in a case like this. My son is in day camp today and my daughter is at her mother's all day long.

I wanted to spend the day with her, just us two. She told me to come to work.

 

I'm taking it as an indicator of stress. She's stretched thin and needs a break.

Since she's complained about a lack of romance, surprise her with a trip to the Bahamas for a weak. Make arrangements for everything else and let her enjoy the week off from everything.

Just an idea...

And, just from what you've told us here, I don't think there's very much evidence that she's unhappy with you and the kids.

 

Good point.

Why not try to find someone that can help out her parents and grand parents? That would be a big help. Of course it would cost some money, but in the long run it would be worth it.

 

Well, that's not a good sign. Sorry.

 

That too.

But I wouldn't abandon her in the process. If she refuses this specific help, just go to her regular GP together and explain to him/her what's been going on lately. That might seem a little less intimidating. I would see if a third party can give her direction and make a specific plan to help her. It just might sound different if it doesn't come from you. I'd also be sure to give the doc an accurate view of how things really are and the changes you've seen in your wife (that she may/may not see herself).

 

My first thought was to have her stop working or work less hours.

2 kids, a marriage, parents, a house...all of which require attention...then add in the 50 hour a week job...seems like a lot.

Obviously, lot of people handle kids and marriage and job, but not everyone has the option to quit work and concentrate on other things. I'm not sure how your income is split (50/50 or whatever), but downsizing the life is an option you could look at.

Just generalizing here (since obviously I don't know details to you specifically)...but lots of people manage to "get by" on less than 150K a year...

- Public school vs Private school
- 5 year old Camry vs Brand New RL
- The 4 year old wearing hand-me-down clothes vs "this cute outfit I saw at Foleys"
- 2200 sq ft house vs 4000 sq ft house
- Brown belt from Target vs $50 Keneth Cole belt
- etc etc

She would basically be trading the money for time...time to spend with kids...time to help family...time to relax...time to read a book/visit an art gallery (she seems to have a lot of interests she doesn't have a lot of time to pursue).

I'm not trying to paint you two as rabid overconsumers because that's not the only issue at play here, but it's a good place to start when considering a more austere and minimalist lifestyle. You also have the burden on you being sole breadwinner and the fact that *you* still have to work fulltime, etc.

Like others mention...it seems like the relationship with you two is going fine...and this way she'd have more time to enjoy said relationship.

 

Unless she asks me to; which isn't the case at least not yet. I come from a broken home and don't want my kids raised like that. Besides, I love her. We've been through a lot together, things are just very stressful now. She probably isn't dealing with things as best as she could. I'm probably going to engage her girlfriend to see if she'll help out.

 

We live well within our means; although she'd like the finer things in life on a regular basis that's never been me so all things in moderation. Her job is a very large piece of the puzzle, and a key contributor to our plight. I'm currently contracting which means no benefits, with the kids I need at least medical. But this idea carries a lot of merit. And I've been desperately looking for a permanent job.

Thank you,

G

 

That sounds good too. A night out to chat with her closest girl friends might be something that she really needs, regardless of whatever else you do.

 

I agree that she needs to seek some professional help. I think she is putting a lot of pressure on herself to get things done hence being spread thin. A vacation will definately help, but the problem is that the issues are still going to be there when you get back. You guys need to deal with that first, and then do the vacation as a reward.

Personally, I think if you guys have the means to sustain your life style, you should try not to change anything. The last thing she needs is change. A full time job for you would be the best, but if she is willing to seek help, I would not jump into a crappy job because the last thing your family needs is you and your wife both being miserable.

Good luck.

 

GBockers, take it from a neurologist who sees this on a regular basis:

She is suffering from caregiver burnout. I see this all the time in my Alzheimer's families. Worse than that, she is increasingly depressed. From my read of your situation, she is not asking you to leave. She is specifically wanting less responsibility. This is your time to step up and support her with all you've got.

She must:

a) Take a vacation (preferably with you so you get some R&R too) ASAP
b) See the psychiatrist (she's willing already.....get her to make an appointment) and if necessary, take medication
c) Talk to her family--someone else has to take SOME responsibility in this situation and others in her family are simply taking advantage of the one person expressing willingness to help out. This is bull$hit and must be dealt with.
d) She needs to cut her hours at work or stop working.

All must be done ASAP IMHO.

HTH!

 

I'm working 40 hours a week; I just don't have benefits right now. This isn't by choice, it's how things are for me personally right now. I'm middle level systems admin / jack of all trades after changing careers 10 years ago. Unfortunately my resume dies in many HR depts. because I don't have my bachelors. I've been on my current assignment for 9 months with a very real probability of at least another 90 day extension while I finish up my current project. On the flip side of this job, is it's with a very well known IT outsourcing company which pays very little. So, if they make me an FTE it'll be for short $$. We may not be able to make ends meet with their initial salary.

I agree that taking a vacation will only put off what we need to address, that's why I've asked her to take a vacation w/o me and the kids.

I feel a bit better after getting this off my chest. I'm going to the gym after work for additional stress relief.

Thanks you guys, this forum rocks.

G

 

I'm really grateful!

G

 

Sounds like midlife crisis .. She's in her early 40's correct? Is this the start of "the change"?
(aka menopause) .. just a thought .. good luck!

 

I agree that it sounds like burnout. Does she handle most of the house work and taking care of the kids too? Depression can be about being stuck in a rut that has no light at the end of the tunnel. I agree with others that suggested that you try to get her to work less hours. Living in Boston is a big problem too. If you moved to another city (easier said than done, I know), you could give her a new start with less hours and still be making as much money relative to the living expenses. One more question: does she have female friends to go out with sometimes? That can be a good dose of relief too.

 

Sounds like compassion fatigue which is a derivative of stress related issues. She's defintely being taken advantage of and her compassion and willingness to help others has led her to a point where she feels like she must help anyone within her personal limits. The problem is that she is at her limit now and sees problems stacking up so fast that there is a certain feeling of inability and those feelings lead to pessimistic thoughts that well, lead to this minute breakdown.

I truly believe that taking a vacation is a band-aid problem. It won't be a vacation for her because when she is away from the "daily grind" she will probably feel so out of the norm that she will relapse back into whatever she was doing before such as continous calls and worries. She does need support right now. Take some load off her and make attempts at trying to do some of the work she has been doing. Meds and psychiatrists are defintely good ideas.

A vacation is something you enjoy when you know there are no other things to worry about. If you are in a financial crisis or familial crisis, it is hard to enjoy a vacation without having it in the back of your minds. Whoever said that a vacation ought to be taken as a reward is a genius. Take an all inclusive vacation if you can afford it; but only after she feels better and more comfortable. She needs to learn that it is not her responsibility (or at least sole responsibilty) to take care of all the things you listed. Other people, possibly even you (don't know how demanding your work is) should step up and take some burden off her.

Edit: It certainly does not seem like she wants to leave you. She wants to get away, but you contradicted that by telling us how she always called and ended a previous vacation early. That should be an indication of stress and the amount of burden. Make that a priority. Best of luck to you and best wishes to her. 17 years is a great deal of investment, I don't think any of us would want that to go to waste.

 

While taking a vacation is a good idea, it could very well backfire if something were to happen at home with her family

 

Firstly, thank you ALL for the comments; I'm constantly blown away by the members here and most comments come from "young" peeps which is very encouraging.

We continued our dialogue last night: She had been bawling for most of the morning and then talked to a friend from California. She suggested counseling / meds if necessary and wife AGREED! She called an LICSW and scheduled an appointment for next week. Regarding the job, she doesn't want to throw away 17+ year investment with her company. I'll keep hammering away at that with her to see if I can convince her that either a less stressful job or if I can make enough $$ she can "retire".

On her family "duties" she's going to re-engage her siblings and explain to them that they HAVE TO assume more responsiblity. Especially the two single sibs that have lots of idle time on their hands.

I feel 100% better after last night's dialogue and cannot thank you guys enough.

Here's to a healthy, prosperous and Happy New Year to AZ members and your families.

Regards,

G

 

My mom went through this, and I'd agree with neuronbob. She sounds like she's taking on more responsibility than one person should have - at least in the long run - and it's taking it's toll.

I also read it as she's not unhappy with you and the kids - she's just burned out with all of the work and extra responsibility she's taken on.

What helped my family was hiring a part time assistant to come in several times a week to assist my grandparents because of their failing health (i.e. helping with bathing, etc.) My Grandmother was wheelchair bound with bad arthritis and supernuclear palsy, and my Grandfather simply didn't have the strength to help her get in and out of the tub anymore.

You'll all get through this just fine. Keep supporting her and do what neuronbob wrote - she needs the break and help.

 

See the psychiatrist first. A vacation will do her no good if she just comes back to the same situation.

She needs to have a remedy to what ails her. Temporary relief is not the answer.

 

sounds exactly like my family. i have a 93 yr old grandmother who lives in florida with my parents. the two aunts will stop by to visit when she comes up to jersey to see me, but that's the extent of it. it's on my mom and dad to take care of her day to day. they're recently retired, and unable to full enjoy it because of this. no long vacations, very difficult to even get away for a quick weekend, etc. it's starting to really take a toll on my parents, especially my mother.

someone really needs to step up and alleviate some of the responsibility, that's the only meaningful solution. beyond that, your next option would be some type of live-in care or rest home for the folks. not ideal, but it may be the only option.

 

GBockers, your story is very similar to mine. Except my wife doesn't work so I might be tempted to suggest that your wife might not feel any better by leaving her job. It might go the opposite way and make her more depressed. I know my wife's issue is with not feeling like she contributes to the family income. I have explained it to her that if we put a price to all the work she does at the house and with our 2 kids, she would probably make more money than I make. Her thing is that she graduated from College but she never fulfill her career expectations. In your case, your wife has worked so taking her away from that might give her the same feelings my wife has regarding the guilt of not contributing to the household income. But I believe the real problem resides in the taking care of the parents. My in-laws are completely dependent on my wife for everything while her 2 sisters (one single, the other married with no kids) are completely oblivious to the whole situation. While my wife acknowledges that, it is a real problem, I can't get her to pull back from that, because if she doesn't take care of her parents, the other sisters don't either.

 

This much is plain to me: She is suicidal. This is an EXTREME danger signal. Run, don't walk, to the nearest shrink, and make it clear to her that you will come to every session with her. Never take ANY talk of suicide lightly. I've seen its final result all too frequently, and if you think things are bad now, you do NOT want to even think how they would be if she kills herself.

 

Step in and play 'bad guy' with her family. Delegate responsibility among her siblings, hire a part time assistant or put her parents into a nursing home. Respond to all objections with the fact that you're doing this for the well being of your wife who is too nice to refuse or reject responsibilities she cant handle.

You may need to do this or make her do this at her work as well. I'm guessing she takes on way too much work there and doesnt delegate sufficiently.

 

I noticed you said you go to the gym to work off frustration. Does she exercise? A simple half hour walk a day can do therapuetic wonders. Also, these symptoms are much more prevalent in the winter. This seems to be coming to a head right around the shortest day of the year. Nothing you can do about this of course, except maybe explain that Boston in the summer will be more cheery. Good luck amigo.

 

It's good to see you feeling better now... I hope everything will go fine for both you and your wife. Like others said, she definitly needs to slack off the responsabilities... too much is too much.. one person can't do everything.

my mom is in a similar situation with her family as her mother is getting older, needs medication and more attention... my mother's sisters and brothers are not much help and my mom, who's the one living the further from my grandma!, has to do a lot. I just cant stand the way my aunts/uncles are acting... it really made my respect for them go down...

your wife can't take all the responsability... if she had at least just a little help here and there it would really help her... i know what im talking about here.

now that she decided to seek medical help, you should try to plan a little trip for both of you (after she saw the doctor).. if she has some kind of post-trip life plan, it will be better. Like someone mentionned, taking a week off and coming back in the same exact situation won't do any good... it'll just be temporary...

she needs you right now. it's time to show your love and respect for her. Give her all you got. you shall be rewarded.

good luck!

 

First off, sorry about your situation but glad to see it's starting to turn around (agreeing to psychiatrist, meds, etc).

Second, Bob for the win.

Third, is she the oldest sibling? I didn't see that or don't recall after reading the thread. Her brothers/sisters have got to chip in - whether that is time or financial, they need to step up. Nobody wants to be the bad guy and point that out (and it sounds like your wife won't do it) so if they don't come to the same conclusion and help out then I say you call them out on it. Her sibs don't seem too involved in your lives anyway and apparently don't give a shit about her so if they don't like it tough shit.

Good luck Bockers. Hope the New Year is truly "New".