My mother-in-law`s sooo fat........if she put a wristwatch on both arms, she`d cover two time zones!:wow:

 

Here's a long one...

This guy invents this IceCream machine, that will make any flavor icecream within 1 minute.

So on a public test-run:
He has a small public gathering and announces his new invention.

A lady in the crowd ask's: "Make on that tastes like Creme-brole."
One minute later...ssshhhhwwwiiirrrrsssshhhh viola-Creme-brole flavored icecream.
She takes a big LICK, and nods her head--"that's what it is."

A guy in the crowd ask's: "Make on that tastes like a watermellon laced with Vodka."
One minute later...ssshhhhwwwiiirrrrsssshhhh viola-watermellon laced with Vodka flavored icecream.
He takes a big LICK, and nods his head--"that's what it is."

Another guy says: "Make one that tastes like pussy!"
One minute later...ssshhhhwwwiiirrrrsssshhhh viola-Pussy flavored icecream.
He takes a big LICK, and starts spitting profusely...
The guy says: "That tastes like SHIT!"

And the icecream inventor says:
"You must have LICKED IT the wrong way!!!!!!"

Ha ha ha

Be careful, this could be true!

NathanSilver

*2004_Acura-TL_Anthracite_Ebony_6MT_Navi_Z600_T-Mobile
*2002_Blue/Silver_Schwinn_Aluminum_Strand-Cruiser_7Speed-Internal-Nexus-Hub

 

Thanks guys. Great jokes.

 

A young boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend!"
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

 

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He asked the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and they were following him down the street. This was disconcerting. He began trotting. Within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing. He ran toward the bay. He looked around and saw that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, they were squealing loudly, and they were coming toward him fast. Scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and they all drowned.
The man then walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha!" said the owner, "you have come back for the story!"
"No," said the man. "I came back to see if you have a Bronze Republican."

 

A little old man shuffled.......slooooowly into an ice cream parlor,
pulled himself............... slooooooowly
.............painfully...........up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" No," he replied, "Arthritis".

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.
Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?"
The Lone Ranger stands and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running."

 

Your mama's so fat, when she has sex, she needs to give directions

What do you call blond with 1 brain cell?
-gifted

what do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
-pregnant

what do you call a smart blond?
-a golden retriever