Friends relationship is straining friendship, need advice/opinions[long read]
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Friends relationship is straining friendship, need advice/opinions[long read]
I have a friend, let's call her Alice. She is 21 years old as of May. Me and Alice are just friends, she is very beautiful and I care about her, but I have no interest in dating her. Out side of regular conversation and casual drinking I find her alcoholic lifestyle and her lack of motivation in life a persistent turn off.
Alice has been single for two years now.
Two months ago I tried hooking her up with a good friend of mine who's a successful college graduate. She was all about it until she found out he was Asian. No dice for her, whatever.
Flash forward to last night, I meet her and another friend of ours(f21) at a bar last night, where Alice breaks the news that she now has a boyfriend. I was pretty excited at first until she started talking about this guy.
They've been dating two weeks now and she's absolutely enthralled by this guy. Saying he's so nice to her, and buys her things, and he's really cool, etc.
Annnd he's 33 years old. Let's call him Bob. My first words were pretty rude, saying when she was born he was already in middle school..
Alice expressed some reservations about Bob, such as she would be a little bit happier if he lost 20lbs. And she hates walking around in public with him, because he absolutely looks his age and she looks like a typical girl in high school. Coupled with the fact she still has braces, they get a lot of glaring looks from strangers.
She wanted me to meet him that night and I was down for it until... I learned from her that Bob just exited from a 6 year relationship. I figured maybe bob came home and found his GF cheating on him, that's what I was expecting to hear. But what she told was litteraly "Bob came home one night, and decided he wasn't attracted to his girlfriend anymore and left it right then and there." The fact he even had the audacity to tell Alice about that bewilders me.
The manner in which Bob ended his last relationship commends no respect from me. How you can invest 6 years of you life into someone and tell them to take a hike? I feel absolutely terrible for that woman and how that must have felt for her.
That's when the asshole in me surfaced, so I excused myself and left before Bob got to the bar.
I don't like this guy already, I don't get a good feeling about the whole relationship. The fact that he's is 33 and she is 21, tells me that she is either incredibly naive, or he is incredibly immature. They are both on very different chapters of their lives and I feel she isn't ready to handle what's going on in his life. I don't know what they could possibly have in common. I feel this is nothing more than a rebound for him and I worry he would possibly dump Alice the same way he dumped is ex.
I feel they're both in this relationship for the wrong reasons. Other than sex and what slim to no hobbies they share in common, there is zero sustainability for this relationship. I don't think this guy is respectable or right for her. I do not see this relationship evolving into anything but disappointment for her.
As of now me and Alice are not talking. She texted me this morning asking why I left last night and later asked why I'm so pissed. She texted me a random picture of me and her at her birthday party, with no context. I never shared my full opinions with her. But I did tell her I don't like "Bob" and that he makes me very apprehensive, and if she really cared for my reasons to talk to me in person rather than some impersonal text.
Sorry for that dissertation but that's about where it's at. I really wanted to reach out to someone about this, but I don't know anybody that would be serious enough to talk about it. Alice and I's mutual friend seems to be taking her side on this issue. Needless to say its beginning to strain our friendships. Are my concerns legit or am I an asshole?
Alice has been single for two years now.
Two months ago I tried hooking her up with a good friend of mine who's a successful college graduate. She was all about it until she found out he was Asian. No dice for her, whatever.
Flash forward to last night, I meet her and another friend of ours(f21) at a bar last night, where Alice breaks the news that she now has a boyfriend. I was pretty excited at first until she started talking about this guy.
They've been dating two weeks now and she's absolutely enthralled by this guy. Saying he's so nice to her, and buys her things, and he's really cool, etc.
Annnd he's 33 years old. Let's call him Bob. My first words were pretty rude, saying when she was born he was already in middle school..
Alice expressed some reservations about Bob, such as she would be a little bit happier if he lost 20lbs. And she hates walking around in public with him, because he absolutely looks his age and she looks like a typical girl in high school. Coupled with the fact she still has braces, they get a lot of glaring looks from strangers.
She wanted me to meet him that night and I was down for it until... I learned from her that Bob just exited from a 6 year relationship. I figured maybe bob came home and found his GF cheating on him, that's what I was expecting to hear. But what she told was litteraly "Bob came home one night, and decided he wasn't attracted to his girlfriend anymore and left it right then and there." The fact he even had the audacity to tell Alice about that bewilders me.
The manner in which Bob ended his last relationship commends no respect from me. How you can invest 6 years of you life into someone and tell them to take a hike? I feel absolutely terrible for that woman and how that must have felt for her.
That's when the asshole in me surfaced, so I excused myself and left before Bob got to the bar.
I don't like this guy already, I don't get a good feeling about the whole relationship. The fact that he's is 33 and she is 21, tells me that she is either incredibly naive, or he is incredibly immature. They are both on very different chapters of their lives and I feel she isn't ready to handle what's going on in his life. I don't know what they could possibly have in common. I feel this is nothing more than a rebound for him and I worry he would possibly dump Alice the same way he dumped is ex.
I feel they're both in this relationship for the wrong reasons. Other than sex and what slim to no hobbies they share in common, there is zero sustainability for this relationship. I don't think this guy is respectable or right for her. I do not see this relationship evolving into anything but disappointment for her.
As of now me and Alice are not talking. She texted me this morning asking why I left last night and later asked why I'm so pissed. She texted me a random picture of me and her at her birthday party, with no context. I never shared my full opinions with her. But I did tell her I don't like "Bob" and that he makes me very apprehensive, and if she really cared for my reasons to talk to me in person rather than some impersonal text.
Sorry for that dissertation but that's about where it's at. I really wanted to reach out to someone about this, but I don't know anybody that would be serious enough to talk about it. Alice and I's mutual friend seems to be taking her side on this issue. Needless to say its beginning to strain our friendships. Are my concerns legit or am I an asshole?
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Three Wheelin'
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From: Socal
Shes 21, shes definately naive. But sometimes people need to go through life and learn things for themself so they can gain some knowledge and experience to better themself in the future.
You can tell her its not a good idea to date Bob, but thats all you can do. Just move on after you give her your advice.
Its better that shes going through this now and not later down the road when she have kids and family and will break up a marriage because she felt she have never lived before and start to date alot in her late 30's.
Sometimes people need to make mistake so they can learn and better themself in the future.
You can tell her its not a good idea to date Bob, but thats all you can do. Just move on after you give her your advice.
Its better that shes going through this now and not later down the road when she have kids and family and will break up a marriage because she felt she have never lived before and start to date alot in her late 30's.
Sometimes people need to make mistake so they can learn and better themself in the future.
Last edited by MySoCalLife; Sep 7, 2014 at 10:13 AM.
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Old Man Yelling at Clouds
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1black - I think you may be going about this the wrong way.
First you are making a lot of assumptions about Bob from very limited information. The problem with hearing sound-bites of information about someone is we tend to fill in the blanks with a story line that may or may not be true. Take how Bob broke off his prior relationship. All you know is how he ended it. Would your opinion of how he broke up change if you knew his gf had been cheating on him for 2 years prior? Or she was a drug addict and he couldn't stay any longer?
Point is if you want to really assess someone you have to know them. You have to meet them in person and see things for yourself. But trying to figure out what someone is like based on what people say about them is always problematic and rarely accurate. So first thing I'd say is if you are going to judge Bob, at least meet him and spend some time so you can see and hear things first hand.
Second is I think you are inserting drama where there shouldn't be. You are not Alice's keeper. It's not your job to be her relationship guardian. My kids are 18 and 20, and as a parent I've learned that when kids reach that age they more or less have to learn things for themselves. You can offer advice when asked, and occasionally given them unsolicited advice, but on the whole kids that age will reject advice simply because it was not their own idea. It's hard to stand by and watch but at that age that's how it has to happen.
I think you should back off completely. Alice isn't going to stop dating people just because you object to it. In fact, the person who is going to lose out is you. She's 21 - she'll reject your judgement of Bob on principle alone. She'll date him, and cut off ties with you. What I'd strongly recommend is actually go hang out with them. Get to know Bob. And here's the most important part - keep your relationship with Alice in good standing so you can be there when she needs council. Eventually she's going to ask you, "was Bob being a total douche just now?" and you, having observed Bob, are in a position to give thoughtful and accurate feedback.
I know this got long but one last thought - you cannot influence people if you are not in a relationship with them. That's an absolute fact. If you drive a wedge between you and Alice you will lose any ability to be influential. So if your end game is to be there and give Alice council when she needs it, you need to preserve that relationship with her. She's going to have to figure out Bob all on her own. But put yourself in a position to be there for her if and when she needs it. Right now you're just playing the role of the disapproving father, and you know how that story ends.
First you are making a lot of assumptions about Bob from very limited information. The problem with hearing sound-bites of information about someone is we tend to fill in the blanks with a story line that may or may not be true. Take how Bob broke off his prior relationship. All you know is how he ended it. Would your opinion of how he broke up change if you knew his gf had been cheating on him for 2 years prior? Or she was a drug addict and he couldn't stay any longer?
Point is if you want to really assess someone you have to know them. You have to meet them in person and see things for yourself. But trying to figure out what someone is like based on what people say about them is always problematic and rarely accurate. So first thing I'd say is if you are going to judge Bob, at least meet him and spend some time so you can see and hear things first hand.
Second is I think you are inserting drama where there shouldn't be. You are not Alice's keeper. It's not your job to be her relationship guardian. My kids are 18 and 20, and as a parent I've learned that when kids reach that age they more or less have to learn things for themselves. You can offer advice when asked, and occasionally given them unsolicited advice, but on the whole kids that age will reject advice simply because it was not their own idea. It's hard to stand by and watch but at that age that's how it has to happen.
I think you should back off completely. Alice isn't going to stop dating people just because you object to it. In fact, the person who is going to lose out is you. She's 21 - she'll reject your judgement of Bob on principle alone. She'll date him, and cut off ties with you. What I'd strongly recommend is actually go hang out with them. Get to know Bob. And here's the most important part - keep your relationship with Alice in good standing so you can be there when she needs council. Eventually she's going to ask you, "was Bob being a total douche just now?" and you, having observed Bob, are in a position to give thoughtful and accurate feedback.
I know this got long but one last thought - you cannot influence people if you are not in a relationship with them. That's an absolute fact. If you drive a wedge between you and Alice you will lose any ability to be influential. So if your end game is to be there and give Alice council when she needs it, you need to preserve that relationship with her. She's going to have to figure out Bob all on her own. But put yourself in a position to be there for her if and when she needs it. Right now you're just playing the role of the disapproving father, and you know how that story ends.
Last edited by 1Louder; Sep 7, 2014 at 10:38 AM.
Three Wheelin'
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,756
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From: Socal
1black - I think you may be going about this the wrong way.
First you are making a lot of assumptions about Bob from very limited information. The problem with hearing sound-bites of information about someone is we tend to fill in the blanks with a story line that may or may not be true. Take how Bob broke off his prior relationship. All you know is how he ended it. Would your opinion of how he broke up change if you knew his gf had been cheating on him for 2 years prior? Or she was a drug addict and he couldn't stay any longer?
Point is if you want to really assess someone you have to know them. You have to meet them in person and see things for yourself. But trying to figure out what someone is like based on what people say about them is always problematic and rarely accurate. So first thing I'd say is if you are going to judge Bob, at least meet him and spend some time so you can see and hear things first hand.
First you are making a lot of assumptions about Bob from very limited information. The problem with hearing sound-bites of information about someone is we tend to fill in the blanks with a story line that may or may not be true. Take how Bob broke off his prior relationship. All you know is how he ended it. Would your opinion of how he broke up change if you knew his gf had been cheating on him for 2 years prior? Or she was a drug addict and he couldn't stay any longer?
Point is if you want to really assess someone you have to know them. You have to meet them in person and see things for yourself. But trying to figure out what someone is like based on what people say about them is always problematic and rarely accurate. So first thing I'd say is if you are going to judge Bob, at least meet him and spend some time so you can see and hear things first hand.
Kelly said it well.
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,885
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From: KS/TX
1black - I think you may be going about this the wrong way.
First you are making a lot of assumptions about Bob from very limited information. The problem with hearing sound-bites of information about someone is we tend to fill in the blanks with a story line that may or may not be true. Take how Bob broke off his prior relationship. All you know is how he ended it. Would your opinion of how he broke up change if you knew his gf had been cheating on him for 2 years prior? Or she was a drug addict and he couldn't stay any longer?
Point is if you want to really assess someone you have to know them. You have to meet them in person and see things for yourself. But trying to figure out what someone is like based on what people say about them is always problematic and rarely accurate. So first thing I'd say is if you are going to judge Bob, at least meet him and spend some time so you can see and hear things first hand.
Second is I think you are inserting drama where there shouldn't be. You are not Alice's keeper. It's not your job to be her relationship guardian. My kids are 18 and 20, and as a parent I've learned that when kids reach that age they more or less have to learn things for themselves. You can offer advice when asked, and occasionally given them unsolicited advice, but on the whole kids that age will reject advice simply because it was not their own idea. It's hard to stand by and watch but at that age that's how it has to happen.
I think you should back off completely. Alice isn't going to stop dating people just because you object to it. In fact, the person who is going to lose out is you. She's 21 - she'll reject your judgement of Bob on principle alone. She'll date him, and cut off ties with you. What I'd strongly recommend is actually go hang out with them. Get to know Bob. And here's the most important part - keep your relationship with Alice in good standing so you can be there when she needs council. Eventually she's going to ask you, "was Bob being a total douche just now?" and you, having observed Bob, are in a position to give thoughtful and accurate feedback.
I know this got long but one last thought - you cannot influence people if you are not in a relationship with them. That's an absolute fact. If you drive a wedge between you and Alice you will lose any ability to be influential. So if your end game is to be there and give Alice council when she needs it, you need to preserve that relationship with her. She's going to have to figure out Bob all on her own. But put yourself in a position to be there for her if and when she needs it. Right now you're just playing the role of the disapproving father, and you know how that story ends.
First you are making a lot of assumptions about Bob from very limited information. The problem with hearing sound-bites of information about someone is we tend to fill in the blanks with a story line that may or may not be true. Take how Bob broke off his prior relationship. All you know is how he ended it. Would your opinion of how he broke up change if you knew his gf had been cheating on him for 2 years prior? Or she was a drug addict and he couldn't stay any longer?
Point is if you want to really assess someone you have to know them. You have to meet them in person and see things for yourself. But trying to figure out what someone is like based on what people say about them is always problematic and rarely accurate. So first thing I'd say is if you are going to judge Bob, at least meet him and spend some time so you can see and hear things first hand.
Second is I think you are inserting drama where there shouldn't be. You are not Alice's keeper. It's not your job to be her relationship guardian. My kids are 18 and 20, and as a parent I've learned that when kids reach that age they more or less have to learn things for themselves. You can offer advice when asked, and occasionally given them unsolicited advice, but on the whole kids that age will reject advice simply because it was not their own idea. It's hard to stand by and watch but at that age that's how it has to happen.
I think you should back off completely. Alice isn't going to stop dating people just because you object to it. In fact, the person who is going to lose out is you. She's 21 - she'll reject your judgement of Bob on principle alone. She'll date him, and cut off ties with you. What I'd strongly recommend is actually go hang out with them. Get to know Bob. And here's the most important part - keep your relationship with Alice in good standing so you can be there when she needs council. Eventually she's going to ask you, "was Bob being a total douche just now?" and you, having observed Bob, are in a position to give thoughtful and accurate feedback.
I know this got long but one last thought - you cannot influence people if you are not in a relationship with them. That's an absolute fact. If you drive a wedge between you and Alice you will lose any ability to be influential. So if your end game is to be there and give Alice council when she needs it, you need to preserve that relationship with her. She's going to have to figure out Bob all on her own. But put yourself in a position to be there for her if and when she needs it. Right now you're just playing the role of the disapproving father, and you know how that story ends.
I left quietly that night and never gave her my opinion until she pressed for it. Only told her I don't like him and I'm apprehensive about all of it, that's it. But I am in no way pressing the issue with her.
You're right, I should have met the guy at least but I was already on a downhill slide. When it comes to my friends and people they date, if I don't like them I'm pretty vocal about it. Best avoided I guess.
Like you said I'm just going to let her learn things for herself.
Thank you for your input.
Last edited by 1black_seven; Sep 7, 2014 at 02:23 PM.
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From: ShitsBurgh
You're judging someone by something that you know nothing about. I was in a 6 year relationship, and we grew apart and broke up, shit happens. You're judging the guy based on the fact of something you heard through hearsay. To me, it sounds like you are jealous and don't like the guy without even meeting him. I have a 23 year old sister and may object if she dated someone my age, but I'm 33 and age is just a number. I've dated girls older and younger than myself. It's great that you're looking out for your friend and want her to be happy, but judging a guy just because he got out of a long relationship is silly. Frankly, if he was with a girl for 6 years, that says something about him
Safety Car
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From: Orion Spur, Milky Way
Young, alcoholic, lazy skank, not yet ravaged by her lifestyle; meets flabby, middle-aged, loser on-the-rebound -- who buys her nice stuff -- and they have lots of sex.
It's obvious the universe brought these 2 lonely-hearts together.
You have no business breaking them up.
It's obvious the universe brought these 2 lonely-hearts together.
You have no business breaking them up.
Stay Out Of the Left Lane
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Suzuka Master
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She's 21... definitely naive.
He's 33... definitely immature.
You wont get her to change her mind about Bob. Only Bob will do so.
Continue to be her friend and be there for her.
Sooner or later she will grow up or bob will find someone younger.
He's 33... definitely immature.
You wont get her to change her mind about Bob. Only Bob will do so.
Continue to be her friend and be there for her.
Sooner or later she will grow up or bob will find someone younger.
Safety Car
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Saying he's so nice to her, and buys her things, and he's really cool, etc.
Annnd he's 33 years old. Let's call him Bob. My first words were pretty rude, saying when she was born he was already in middle school..
And she hates walking around in public with him, because he absolutely looks his age and she looks like a typical girl in high school. Coupled with the fact she still has braces, they get a lot of glaring looks from strangers.
I don't like this guy already, I don't get a good feeling about the whole relationship. The fact that he's is 33 and she is 21, tells me that she is either incredibly naive, or he is incredibly immature.
Annnd he's 33 years old. Let's call him Bob. My first words were pretty rude, saying when she was born he was already in middle school..
And she hates walking around in public with him, because he absolutely looks his age and she looks like a typical girl in high school. Coupled with the fact she still has braces, they get a lot of glaring looks from strangers.
I don't like this guy already, I don't get a good feeling about the whole relationship. The fact that he's is 33 and she is 21, tells me that she is either incredibly naive, or he is incredibly immature.
? It really does sound like you pre-judged him based solely off the age difference, and that you seem to have figured him all out as far as what kind of person he is and why he is dating your friend. I'd agree with the others who say just take a step back, figure out how you really feel, and let them do their thing.
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My wife says the OP has feelings for the girl, and if I have learned anything in the past decade, it's that she's right. Seems the OP is attracted to the girl except for some minor behavioral issues he thinks he can probably change or he hopes she will grow out of.
Suzuka Master
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From: off the grid
I have a friend, let's call her Alice. She is 21 years old as of May. Me and Alice are just friends, she is very beautiful and I care about her, but I have no interest in dating her. Out side of regular conversation and casual drinking I find her alcoholic lifestyle and her lack of motivation in life a persistent turn off.
i thought the same thing. on some level, OP has feelings for the girl. I suspect she may as well since she msged him a pic of the two of them randomly. probably misses your company and your approval. maybe bob will help her realize she wants OP.
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