TLover

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/060412

Q: I think that to be considered a great basketball player, you need to be comparable to any good female porn star. That means being unselfish, know when to take over, and fun to watch on both ends. This year's great basketball player/female porn star: Elton Brand. Thoughts?
-- Harry, Boone, N.C.

SG: Yup ... these are my readers.

Always Dirty

"Mahalo"

agranado

GreenMonster

I'm dieing over here....

Mike 350Z

I read every one of his columns. That was from the most recent mailbag right? The only thing I don't like is the heavy emphasis on Boston sports teams, especially the Patriots.

JimmyCarter

See, that's what I like about him for two reasons:
1) I'm a fan of the same teams
2) He offers a fans point of view instead of a detached, generic sportswriters POV

TLover

I'm a fan of nearly of every anti-Masshole team, and I still love his columns.

GOOSE

The new NBA MVP column from today was good too.


I think I've read every single one of his colunms since he joined espn.com, even those lengthy, tedious Red Sox columns he used to write (even though I don't care about the Sox).

like jimmycarter said, he gives a fan's view instead of the same old boring sportswriter stuff (although ironically, his schtick is kinda getting tired and repetitive too), and he's fuckin hilarious

Slinks

Back when he had his aol/digital city "bostonsportsguy.com" site I used to visit his site everyday. Back then he had amazing articles (absolutely nothing holding him back). Also his viewership was also small enough such that if you sent him an email there was a good chance he'd reply to it; kinda added a personal touch to the site.

Towards the end of his "boston sports guy" days (where he started guest columining on page 2) his articles seemed to get a bit worse, but I kept reading, although not as often...they just weren't the same.
And I actually haven't read any of his articles in probably 18 months.

Anyone know if his stuff is back to the level it used to be at pre 2000?

In either case this thread reminds me I should probably go hit up his columns again just for old times sake.

I got a couple of his old columns saved (I wish I'd saved them all cuz some of them were absolute classics and they disappeared from digital city after they decided to downsize his position). If I find em I'll post em.

GOOSE

can you post any of the old (pre-page 2) stuff? I've only been reading him since then, and I wonder how good the older stuff is without espn holding him back.

PillsburyChoboy

Yeah. BS is great. I first started reading his stuff back in 2001. I think his "edge" lies in the fact that he can integrate irrelevant pop culture knowledge (movies, music, porn, etc.) into an obviously passionate love for sports (especially the Celtics/Patriots/Red Sox). I mean, not too many writers can use quotes from Ron Burgundy for an NBA season preview or debate the merits of Pacino vs. De Niro. And his "Levels of Losing" and running diaries are material most sports hacks can only dream about ... he puts horrendous "humor" writers like Jim Caple to shame.

I agree that his best writings are in the past. He's a tad bit mainstream and commercialized now, which was inevitable. Though a lot of his current work is derivative of older, more original ideas, and overall quality/quantity is down, BS is still a fun read.

Slinks

GALA RAMBLINGS FEATURE
"Everything you ever wanted to know about posses (but were always afraid to ask)"

(3/22/99)

Sometimes the NBA isn't FANNNNNN-tastic... it's just plain weird. Especially in person. I've attended every Celtics game this season and continually find myself captivated by mundane things that the average fan might not even notice at home. For instance...

* Whose idea was it to have a guy in a Leprechaun outfit run around and call himself "Lucky"? And why hasn't this guy been shot at yet?

* Why do people get excited to see themselves dancing on a 30-foot Jumbotron?

* Why do some coaches stand for the whole game? Don't they get tired?

* Why do NBA players watch blooper highlights on the Jumbotron when they should be listening to their coach during timeouts? Don't they know everyone can tell that they're watching the Jumbotron?

* When they have those Foxwoods "Make a three-pointer for $77,777" contests after the first quarter, why does the chosen fan always shoot it like they're shooting a foul shot? And why does it always drive me crazy?

* Where do they find these halftime acts? For example, where do they find two guys who do flips on a trampoline wearing skis? Do you find people like that in the Yellow Pages?

* Why do cheerleaders come out during timeouts and shoot t-shirts into the balconies with a cannon? And when will somebody in the first row of the upper balcony reach for a t-shirt, tumble over the railing, and hurtle 50 feet to their death?

* Why does Antoine Walker spend so much time winking and smiling and pointing at the members of his posse in Section One? Doesn't CyberTwan realize that he comes off like an egotistical butthead?

* And most importantly, what the HELL is a posse?

Which brings me to the theme of today's column... just WHAT THE HELL is a posse? Where do these guys come from?

Without further ado, here's everything you ever wanted to know about a posse (but were afraid to ask):

Q: WHAT IS A POSSE?

A -- A posse is a group of friends and family members that hangs out with a professional athlete or an entertainer; it can also be known as an "entourage" (but entourage doesn't sound as cool).

From what I can determine, posse members have the following duties: 1) Provide constant support and encouragement to the HOP (head of posse); 2) accompany the HOP in public, especially at nightclubs or public events; 3) provide protection and security for the HOP due to the sheer strength of numbers; and 4) perform odd jobs for the HOP (optional). In return, posse members are rewarded with food, drinks, money, shelter and second-hand women.

Q: WHEN DID THE POSSE BECOME POPULAR?

A -- All rock bands aside, three famous people were responsible for the growth of the posse phenomenon during the 1960's:

* ELVIS PRESLEY: Before Elvis came along, nobody had ever seen a full-fledged entourage/posse in action. Yet Elvis -- who was way ahead of his time, in more ways than one -- surrounded himself with buddies, high school friends, and other various sycophants whose basic duties were to 1) drive Elvis around and 2) find Elvis women.

Elvis' posse was SOOOOO infamous that "Saturday Night Live" even immortalized it in a sketch called "Tiny Elvis," where an 18-inch Elvis barked ordered at his obsequious buddies and forced them to laugh at his jokes (at one point Tiny E's looking at a salt shaker and saying "Hey Joe, look at that salt shaker! That thing is HUGGGGGGE!" while all his buddies break up in forced laughter). Highest of high comedy.

* FRANK SINATRA: The Chairman of the Board brought Elvis' concept of a posse to a new level, surrounding himself with other entertainers like Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford and calling their little group "The Rat Pack" (the most star-studded posse of all time, without question). Bonus points here for two things: 1) The Rat Pack helped fix the 1960 Presidential Election, and 2) instead of run-of-the-mill groupies, Sinatra's posse actually had their way with famous actress and mob mistresses on a consistent basis. These guys were so damned good that HBO made a movie about them last year called "The Rat Pack" -- certainly a watershed moment in posse history.

* MUHAMMAD ALI: Ali liked to be surrounded by people all the time -- especially when he was training at his compound -- so his entourage gradually grew until everyone around Ali had some sort of function. One person was his masseuse; another was a chef; others alternately served as chaffeurs, bodyguards, personal secretaries and assistant trainers; some hung around simply for the purpose of places to party (i.e., finding him women that were "ready to go"). The most famous member of Ali's posse was Drew "Bundini" Brown, who served the purpose of "firing Ali up" during training and with his constant chatter... and apparently got paid for it. Unfortunately, Ali's posse ended up being more of a distraction than anything; he was always giving away money and letting his friends profit from his name, which ended up bankrupting Ali in the mid-1980's after his career had ended.

After Ali, most famous athletes believed they hadn't really hit "the big time" until they were surrounded by their own considerable number of buddies/sycophants. You could especially see the after-effects of the Ali Era in boxing -- every famous boxer after Ali had a posse, whether it was Sugar Ray Leonard, Marvin Hagler, Tommy Hearns or Mike Tyson. Heck, even Gerry Cooney had a posse!

Q: WHICH CELEBRITIES GOT REALLY CAUGHT UP IN THE POSSE THING OVER THE PAST 20 YEARS?

A -- Eddie Murphy... Mike Tyson... Tommy Hearns... Leo DiCaprio... Shaquille O'Neal... Deion Sanders... and pretty much every major rap star who ever lived.

Also, Pedro Martinez doesn't just have a posse, he has an entire country.

Q: DOES MICHAEL JORDAN HAVE A POSSE?

A -- Absolutely. MJ hung out with his high school buddies from North Carolina during the NBA season, even flying them in during road trips so they could play cards and golf with him. Jordan also had a bodyguard and a personal secretary on the road; he even had his own personal TV lackey (Mr. Shameless, Ahmad Rashad).

Q: WHAT WAS THE SCARIEST POSSE OF ALL-TIME?

A -- Without a doubt, this distinction goes to rapper Tupac Shakur. Tupac was tight with feared record producer Wayne "Suge" Knight and one of the two big L.A. gangs (either the Crips or the Bloods, I can't remember) and immortalized "gansta thug rap," even writing a song promising to kill rival rapper Biggie Smalls (aka Notorious B.I.G.) called "Hit 'Em Up."

Of course, Tupac ended up getting killed... but that didn't stop his buddies from blaming Biggie for the murder and putting some caps in his ass a few months later.

Q: WHAT WAS THE SCARIEST SPORTS POSSE OF ALL-TIME?

A -- Mike Tyson's posse in the mid-90's -- after his release from jail -- when he was being managed by two thug high school buddies (Rory Holliday and John Horne) and notorious promoter Don King. All the elements were in place here, especially 1) a bad HOP (head of posse) with a criminal record and a penchant for beating up men AND women and 2) gangsters running his career AND his personal life. It also helps when everyone dresses like extras from "New Jack City."

(QUICK INTERJECTION: I loved those guys! If they had sold trading cards for Mike Tyson's posse, I would have bought them. I'm dead serious. Can you imagine the Beckett's book value of a rookie John Horne card with Horne posing in a four-piece beige suit? I'd swap my Larry Bird rookie card for that thing in a heartbeat!)

One of my favorite TV moments of all-time occurred after the second "Tyson/Holyfield" fight -- the ear-biting fiasco -- when intrepid TV reporter Jim Gray interviewed Horne and Holliday and inadvertently angered them with a typically hard-nosed Jim Gray question. You could actually SEE the other posse members inch towards Gray on camera -- all looking angry as all hell -- as the terrified Gray ended the interview (his voice shaking) and threw it back to the studio, after which he was presumably beaten like a piece of veal.

Q: CAN WHITE PEOPLE HAVE POSSES?

A -- Absolutely! Elvis had one. Porno star John Holmes had one. Leo DiCaprio has one. So does Johnny Depp. Eric Lindros has one. Wrestling promoter Vince McMahon has one in the WWF (he calls it "The Corporation"). Speaking of wrestling, in the WWF's rival organization -- WCW -- white guys Kevin Nash and Scott Hall formed an anti-WCW posse called the new World order (or nWo) that garnered about a gazillion dollars of t-shirt money and even spawned off its own sub-posse, called "the Wolfpac."

(I mean, you KNOW your posse is hot when you're feuding with your own sub-posse.)

But would you believe the best-known white posse of the post-Elvis Era belonged to Bill Walton??? It's true. The Mountain Man had a memorable entourage when he played for the Trail Blazers in the late-70's -- according to David Halberstam's book "Breaks of the Game," Walton's house in Portland was a central location for all the radicals, hippies, DeadHeads and political activists during the late-70's (they were even monitored by the FBI during that time!). Of course, if you had a Battle of the Posses Tournament, Walton's gang would have been annihilated by Tyson's posse in the first round... but that's besides the point.

For some white guys, it's obviously impossible for them to drum up a posse that wouldn't draw snickers and guffaws. Like Chris Dudley... who would want to be in HIS posse? Or Andrew DeClerq... would everyone in DeClerq's posse have to get the same Dirk Diggler haircut that he has? And can you imagine any of the following people having posses: Rudy Galindo, Jim Courier, Don Zimmer, Mark O'Meara, Steve DeBerg, or Jason Elam? Gimme a break.

As an aside, if I could vote for one white guy to have a posse, it would have to be Keith Van Horn. A band of gangsta Mormons? Why not? I wouldn't mess with 'em.

WHAT WAS THE GREATEST POSSE HEADQUARTERS OF ALL-TIME?

A -- "The White House." This was what the Dallas Cowboys used to call a rented house in Miami where they vacationed on weekends during the off-season so they could do drugs, cheat on their wives, hook up with strippers, carouse, and do all that other good stuff that's near and dear to all of our hearts. According to stories published after Irvin's arrest two years ago, "White House" members included Michael Irvin, Nate Newton, Erik Williams, Emmitt Smith, and Leon Lett, among others.

I always loved the concept of the "White House" -- it probably provided 10,000 jokes for me and my buddies over the past three years. I remember one afternoon I was watching football with my buddy Jack-O and we saw Fox's Pam Oliver on television interviewing someone and looking especially worse for wear. That led to the following exchange:

--SG: Man, look at Pam! Look at those bags under her eyes? How late was she up last night?
--JACK-O: Musta been a long night at the White House!

Q -- WHAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS POSSE IN SPORTS?

Shaquille O'Neal's posse. Hands down.

Shaq's posse is so ludicrous that Sports Illustrated actually devoted a cover story to it two years ago! Shaq had so many hangers-on living at his house that he couldn't even remember what some of their "jobs" were (one posse member's sole responsibility was to wash all of Shaq's cars). Unbelievable.

Q -- IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A FEMALE ATHLETE TO HAVE A POSSE?

(Too many jokes... must make joke... reigning myself in... stomach about to explode... MUST MAKE JOKE!!!... seizure coming on... must move on before line is crossed...)

Q -- WHERE DO POSSE MEMBERS COME FROM? DO THEY HAVE REAL JOBS?

Of course not!

If an athlete/celebrity is earning enough money, he can afford to import one or two buddies from high school or college (usually high school) to live with him (or at least near him). Usually the buddy in question will swallow his pride and perform various odd jobs for the HOP -- pseudo-chaffeur, pseudo bodyguard, pseudo cheeleader -- and generally make the HOP feel important and secure.

For instance, as we mentioned before, Antoine Walker's buddies attend all home games and have the following duties:

1. If Antoine does anything good -- a big three, a big dunk, etc -- these guys have to stand up and point at Twan and generally cause a ruckus.

2. They need to show up on time! This is important! During one home game, Walker's buddies arrived late, which meant he kept having to glance over to Section One to see if they arrived yet. Of course, there was a game going on, but that's besides the point.

3. They have to look good, dammit! They're representing CyberTwan! That means they have to show up for games wearing cool clothes... and they definitely can't bring any ugly women to Celtics games.

4. When Antoine isn't getting the ball and glances to his buddies in disgust, they must respond by shaking their heads or muttering obscenities under their breath.

5. When Antoine gets a foul called against him and glances to his buddies in disgust, they must respond by shaking their heads or muttering obscenities under their breath.

6. After the game, Twan's posse needs to tell Twan things like "You were great tonite, dog!" or "You the man!" or "You used that ^%#%$@%!*&! like a rented biz-atch!" or even "Yo, Kenny's not passing you the ball! What's up with that? He's selfish! You should have had 35 tonite!"

Which reminds me...

Q: WHAT'S THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH SPORTS POSSES:

A -- This is a two-part answer...

1.
As we described in the previous few paragraphs with Antoine's entourage, posse members can create LOADS of trouble for overall team chemistry. Since it's the posse's job to support/pump up the HOP, they invariably avoid telling the HOP anything that he doesn't want to hear. Therefore, if the HOP's team is losing, the posse members will be blaming everyone BUT the HOP (supposedly, this was the main reason why Dallas had to break up their Jimmy Jackson/Jason Kidd/Jamal Mashburn trio three years ago).

Let's use Antoine for example: During Boston's first two home games, Twan wasn't getting the ball enough from point guard Kenny Anderson, who admittedly was struggling and looking for his own shot first. During the second game (a win over Cleveland), there were two or three instances where Twan was open on a fast break and Kenny saw him... but opted to either drive to the hoop or pass to someone else. Clearly, there was a problem here, exacerbated by the fact that Walker immediately glanced over to his posse after every slight with a "Did you see that?" glare on his face (as the posse members all responded with head shakes). I even pointed this out to my father during the Cavs game and predicted it would become a problem. Swear to God.

So what happens? Antoine struggles on the ensuing road trip, partly due to the fact that his point guard isn't getting him the ball... the posse members watch all the games on TV and tell him on the phone that Bob Cousy is saying that the point guard should be getting the HOP the ball more... and the thing finally explodes at the end of a road trip, as Twan and Kenny get into a screaming match in Washington.

2.
As history has proven, posse members usually don't exhibit the best judgment -- one reason why the NBA has become so concerned about entourages in the past few years. Lately, we've have seen a number of instances where somebody "close to an NBA player" has gotten arrested for drugs, illegal handguns, assault, etc. In fact, Sixers star Allen Iverson was in the papers TWICE last year -- in separate instances, two of his "bodyguards" were arrested for marijuana possession and for carrying an illegal firearm.

You don't read about it much, but nothing terrifies a team more than one of its players running with a bad crowd. For instance, the biggest rumor in Boston for the past two years was this: Red Sox owner John Harrington wanted to unload Mo Vaughn because Mo hung out with a number of drug dealers in the Brockton area. True or untrue, it's the only rational reason why the Sox would push their star slugger out of town -- if they believed those rumors.

Was Mo hanging out with drug dealers? Who cares? People forget this, but some African-American athletes grow up in social climates where the vast majority of their childhood buddies end up either in jail, dealing drugs, or doing drugs. Hell, even Mo Vaughn himself has said this on a number of occasions -- read any story about his life and Mo always mentions something along the lines of "all of my friends from school are either in jail or dead" (he talks about this in every speech he delivers to inner-city kids).

Sometimes -- as amazing as this sounds -- some athletes feel more comfortable around that element because THAT'S WHAT THEY GREW UP WITH. It doesn't mean they're doing drugs... it just means they're hanging out with the types of people that they've known all their lives.

Think about it. Sounds weird... but it's true.

Q: WHAT SPORTS GUY'S FAVORITE POSSE STORY OF ALL-TIME?

A -- Another two-part answer...

1.
I told this story last week in the "Celtics Chronicles," but I'll tell it again: Near the end of the first half of last Wednesday's Magic-Celtics game, rapper Master P and his posse showed up and filed into their row in Section One, about ten of them, looking like they just stepped out of a Doctor Dre video (one of the guys even had an old-fashioned brown felt hat with a feather, ala Huggy Bear from "Starsky and Hutch"). After about 15 minutes of hard-core handshaking with the people already sitting in the players' section, the gang sat down for a whopping 45 minutes; at least three of them gabbed on cell phones the whole time, trying to seem important, while the others watched the game and acted exceptionally cool.

Suddenly -- and without warning -- the posse left en masse during a timeout in the fourth quarter; they didn't even leave enough time for the requisite 15 minutes of farewell hand-slapping and hugging. Walker, Ron Mercer and Walter McCarty all noticed (they were out of the game at the time) and paid homage to the departing entourage with a variety of smiles, winks, and points. Amazingly, some of the Orlando guys even slapped palms with Master P as he walked by the Magic bench. Swear to God. It was comical.

But here's the best part: While all of this was going on, the entourage was filing by Bob Cousy's seat in Section 22. You should have seen the look on Cooz's face. HIGH comedy. His face gave new meaning to the word "perplexed."

Now THAT's why I love this game!

2.
Two years ago, Allen Iverson and Jerry Stackhouse were feuding on the Sixers (Stack was pouting because Iverson wasn't giving up the ball enough). Since both men had a considerable number of members in their respective posses, eventually the bad blood spilled over into their respective posses... leading to a fight between somebody in Stackhouse's posse and somebody in Iverson's posse after a Sixers practice... which set off a full-scale brawl between both posses until Sixers players and coaches and security personnel on hand were able to finally break it up.

Shortly thereafter, Stackhouse was traded to Detroit.

It's one thing when two players don't get along, but when two POSSES don't get along...

Q: FINALLY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET YOUR OWN POSSE?

A -- That's a tough question. And frankly, my answer is pretty tough to swallow.

From what I can tell, only athletes, politicians and entertainers can have their own posses. I know it hurts... but it's true. Unless you're famous and have insta-access to money, women and free tickets, people just don't want to be part of your posse.

I found this out the hard way two springs ago when I landed this "Sports Guy" gig with Digital City Boston. Immediately, I called my best friends from high school -- Jim, Geoff, Bish, Camp and Gus -- and implored them to move down to Boston and live with me.

As I figured it, they could just hang around my house and cheer me on as I wrote columns. For instance, if I wrote an especially good joke, I could stand up at my desk and chest-bump Gus... Geoff and Jim could sit on the sofa watching TV, and after a good paragraph, I could point at them and nod defiantly and bang my own chest as they cheered me on... maybe Camp could even hang out in the kitchen reading Boston Globe columns and shouting out things like "Shaughnessy sucks! You know who the best mother#%@$% columnist in Boston is? Big Poppa! That's who!"

And of course, Bish would always be on hand to drive the SportsguyMobile and find women for us after I finished each column.

Unfortunately, a few problems surfaced:

1. Unlike the members of all the aforementioned posses from this column, my high school buddies actually have their own jobs and careers.

2. It's hard to fit six guys in a two-bedroom apartment in Charlestown; somebody would have had to sleep on the floor. We would have had to draw straws and it might have gotten ugly.

3. Camp's a loose cannon. He might have gotten into a beef with somebody at a nightclub and ended up getting one of us wacked.

4. I only have one car. Major problem there. Everyone would have to take turns washing it and there might have been some tension.

5. Since I'm not a celebrity, there's no possible way I could have supplied a constant stream of fresh women to keep everyone in the posse happy... well, unless the girls were consistently drunk.

6. I'm barely making enough money to support myself, much less five other guys. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Digital City Boston turned down my request to sign an 6-year, $71 million contract extension.

In the end, I had to abandon the idea. But someday... someday... I'll be big enough in this town to have my own damned posse, dammit! As far as I'm concerned, I haven't officially made it in this industry until I'm surrounded by a few freeloading friends who hang on my every word.

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Slinks

more to come later...the ones i have saved aren't like a "best of" or anything. I just have them saved to a document because I used to print them out and bring em to work so I could read something to pass the time.

Slinks

BEST SPORTS MOVIES OF ALL TIME



INTRODUCTION FROM SG:

You've planned your vacation around it. You've purchased new modems just so you could download the pictures faster. You're spread the word to your friends like a brainwashed member of the Hari Krishnas.

Now... the time has arrived.

For Granny...

For Nate...

(pause)

For Caretaker.

Let's do it.

As promised, we're devoting the next four weeks to sports movies on this site. I spent an entire week completely revamping the "Best" and "Worst" movie columns from last year, turning it into a three-part series -- "The Best 25"; "The Worst 25"; and "25 in Limbo" -- based on reactions to the old columns, changing feelings about certain movies, and films about which I just plain forgot.

We're also tackling a number of other "surprise" subjects which will be dropped intermittently throughout the next few weeks. I'm also counting on you all to come up with some great e-mails and feedback so I can do at least one edition of the Reader Rants. Trust me... some day you'll be bouncing your grandkids on your lap telling them about this month.

So why am I the chosen one? Why is it up to me to come through for everyone who ever loved sports movies and compile THE premier "Sports Movie" place on the 'Net? It reminds me of a conversation I had with my boss, Digital City Boston editor John Wilpers, in the DC Boston offices last week:

WILPERS (to Movie Guy) -- I wanted to beat Digital City Philly this month worse than I wanted any goddamned thing in my life... now Sports Guy's postponing the Movie Marathon month? That was our meal ticket. I didn't care nothin' about winning the whole year. Win or lose, I would've been satisfied with one stinkin' month. I woulda walked away from the 'Net and bought a farm.

SPORTS GUY (strolling into the office, back from vacation) -- Nothin' like a farm. Nothing like being around animals, fixin' things. Nothin' like being in the field by yourself, with the vegetables and the corn, and your laptop. The greatest stuff you ever saw.

WILPERS -- You know my mother told me I oughta be a farmer.

SPORTS GUY -- My Dad wanted me to be a sports columnist.

WILPERS -- Well you're better than anyone I ever had. And you're the best damned writer I've ever read. Suit up.

Anyway, this will be the main page of the Sports Movie site for the next four links -- all the links to the latest columns will be posted here. Hopefully I'll still have time to post columns on some other things in the sports scene; fortunately, this is a pretty dead time until football season starts next month. So that's it!

Whoops, one more thing...

I love you guys.


THE BEST 30 SPORTS MOVIES OF ALL-TIME
The totally revamped and indisputably final list (8/18/99)

Before we get started with this year's edition of the gala list, five disclaimers:

1) I only picked movies that were released in my lifetime, which means anything AFTER 1969.

2) I had to have gotten chills at least once during the movie.

3) If I'm flicking channels during a commercial and stumble upon the sports movie in question, would I forget whatever else I was watching just to watch the rest of the sports movie, no matter how far along it was in the movie? My friend Gus calls this the "Hoosiers Factor" -- when he and his wife are watching TV and he's flicking channels and notices that Hoosiers is on and his wife says, "Oh my God, we just watched this! Do we have to watch Hoosiers every time it's on?"

And Gus looks at her and says, "Honey, it's Hoosiers. I mean, it's Hoosiers, for God's sake."

4) For that reason, "Raging Bull" is disqualified from this list for the 3rd straight year. I don't think anybody has ever been flicking channels and said to themselves, "Woo-hoo! Raging Bull is on!"

5) Even if you read this before, it's worth checking out again because I added tons of new material, including six new movies and a legitimate ending. It took three years, but I finally think I got this one right.

One more note: This column is split into two parts -- #30-to-#16 and #15-to-#1 -- because I wanted to add pictures and it just took too long to download on one page, especially with all the text.

Onto the list...

***** ***** ***** *****
30. BLOODSPORT
You may think I'm nuts here, but rent it some time: It's Jean Claude Van Damme's first and finest movie (there's a joke there somewhere). The Muscles from Brussels plays a guy who travels to Thailand to participate in a highly-illegal martial arts contest, where the competitors fight to submission, unconsciousness, or death. Bar none, Bloodsport has the best fight footage of any movie ever. Negative points for the training sequence in the beginning with Van Damme and some old Asian trainer who looks like Confucious. There's also the token "Something awful must happen to this guy eventually just because he's friends with the star of the movie" buddy, played by Ogre from "Revenge of the Nerds."

Still, Van Damme's never been better, and that statement is funny in itself. Also, the big villain - Chong Li -- is surprisingly terrifying and evil. He gives me the creeps, especially because he looks like a bulked-up Asian version of Garry Shandling.

****CHILL SCENE -- The entire Van Damme/Chong Li fight at the end. Unbelievable!


29. ALL THE RIGHT MOVES
Until this year, no sports movie did a better job of depicting what high school football means to a small town than this one. And the game sequences were superb -- truly top-notch stuff.

But you know what's amazing about this movie? Tom Cruise was really convincing at cornerback. Seriously. The movie wouldn't have worked with anyone else in that role. I mean, who else could have played Djordjevic? Johnny Depp? Anthony Michael-Hall? Emilio Estevez? Corey Haim? I mean, can you handle the truth?

****CHILL SCENES****
1) The goal-line stand at the end of the Big Game.
2) Cruise yelling at the coach, We didn't quit, YOU quit."

28. MAJOR LEAGUE
Now THIS is a sports movie: Great characters, great acting, great one-liners ("Up your butt Joe Boo!"), great ending... this one has it all. Ironically enough, the actual plot had the Cleveland Indians making the playoffs for the first time in 40 years -- with a collections of castoffs and misfits, no less -- which seemed like a stretch at the time. So what happened? The Indians improved in the '90s and made the playoffs a few time, diluting the impact of the film. Still, if they created "HBO 10" and just showed a continuous reel of "Major League" -- which I think they actually did in 1990, but they called it "HBO 2" -- I'd probably program the channel on my "Favorite Channels" button and tune in twice a week.

So why did it take two years for me to add it to the list?

Here's why: One of my roommates in college -- my buddy Chip -- used to babble incessantly when he was drunk, to the point that we used to put sedatives in his beers after 2:00AM. Since Chipper was from Milwaukee and "Major League" was filmed at Milwaukee County-Stadium (a little known fact), Chip would always tell us how he was one of the extras in the stands (along with about 35,000 other people). Every time he told the story, he would embellish it; by the time we graduated, Chip was telling us how he played the role of Serrano with black shoe polish on his face.

Anyway, whenever we were flicking channels late at night and we accidentally stumbled upon "Major League," a drunken Chip would scream "Major League!" and all of us would run for cover, lest we heard the story again. Anyway, that "Oh God, Major League is on! Run for your lives!" mentality stuck with me after college... which is why it took me so long to put it on the list.

(Hello? Are you still there?)

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Charlie Sheen coming out of the bullpen for the climactic game as the entire crowd (and Chip) sang "Wild Thing."
2) Berenger legging out the infield single to send the Tribe to the playoffs.

27. BULL DURHAM
A great baseball movie. Great characters, great story, great love story... this movie had it all. It's top-ten caliber.

Know what? I don't care. This drops all the way down to #27 for one reason: Tim Robbins was the least-convincing pitcher in the history of sports movies -- worse than Brendan Fraser in "The Scout," worse than the old guy in "Major League"... heck he was even worse than Lori Petty in "A League of Their Own." How can you make a baseball movie when the actor who plays one of the three biggest roles in the film throws a fastball like Stephen Hawking? That would be like making a hockey movie with an actor who can't skate.

Whoops... I forgot about Rob Lowe in "Youngblood."

****CHILL SCENE -- Seeing Susan Sarandon's ya-bows in the bathtub scene. Hey now!

26. WHEN WE WERE KINGS
An unparalleled account of Muhammad Ali's fight in Zaire against George Foreman in 1974 (it took 23 years to reach the big screen). Ali's mesmerizing, as always, but I liked the primitive message of the film: Two black men travel to Africa to fight one another ... one of the men is supposedly invincible ... the other has the spiritual charm of a god ... and just like my prom night, the whole thing's accentuated by a pounding musical beat and natives and wild animals. Really cool.

(And if you own a DVD player... well, I don't even need to say it.)

****CHILL SCENE -- The unforgettable scene when Ali shows up at Foreman's workout to mess with his head -- trailed by hundreds of natives shouting "Ali, bomaye!" ("Ali, kill him!" The director splices the footage with footage of a voodoo witch performing a curse against Foreman with this eerie tribal music. Chills galore.

25. HOT DOG: THE MOVIE
Campy skiing flick with some surprisingly funny scenes and some great skiing action... maybe the best ski sequences ever caught on film.

All right, that's complete crap. I made it up. But you know how people remember where they were when JFK got shot? Well, that's how all the guys born from 1969-1972 feel about the first time they caught Shannon Tweed's hot tub scene in "Hot Dog" on HBO. It was life-altering. In many ways, it might be THE most important film on this list.

And yet I digress...

24. VARSITY BLUES
A personal favorite. Any time I'm getting ninety action-packed minutes filled with football, parties, strip clubs, more football, girls wearing whipped cream bikinis, drunken carousing, and even more football... well, that's a quick way to win my moviegoing heart!

Here's the plot: The guy from Dawson's Creek plays a cerebral backup QB in a hick Texas town that revolves around high school football. When golden boy QB Lance Harbor goes down for the year with a knee injury, Dawson steps in because, well, he's the star of the movie. He copes with smalltown fame and contemplates dumping his small-breasted girlfriend for a blonde cheerleader with adult-size bangeroos. He goes to strip clubs. He gets free beer from convenience stores. He gets an academic scholarship into Brown even though he doesn't crack a book all movie. And in the end, he wins the big game.

Think of it as this formula: ("Friday Night Lights" + "All the Right Moves") x (MTV + Cinemax)

(Is that a winner or what? Somebody get Oscar on the phone!)

There's also some great window dressing: My future father-in-law Jon Voight plays a coach more evil than the coach from "Hoop Dreams," "North Dallas Forty" and "One on One" combined (he's so evil that you almost expect him to show up for the championship game wearing a Hitler mustache and an SS uniform). There's a realistic subplot about parents living vicariously through their kids. The football sequences are unparalled -- far better than "All the Right Moves." And of course, the aforementioned blonde cheerleader actually dresses up as a whipped cream sundae in one scene. Can i place an order to go please?

Boo yeah!

****CHILL SCENES****
1) The human ice cream sundae.
2) The final play by Billy Bob.

23. BREAKING AWAY
Sure, it's about cycling, but it's still a great sports movie -- just edging "American Flyers" as the token cycling movie on the list. I watched two years ago on some weird movie channel like "Cinemax 7" and forgot how good it was - honestly, it might be on the best-acted sports movies ever. Dennis Quaid, Daniel Stern and Kelly Leak from The Bad News Bears all submit great performances, as does the kooky lead actor (Dennis Christopher, who apparently has been trapped under a large rock since the filming of this movie concluded). Everybody here has a meaty part, even the parents. Just a classic.

****CHILL SCENE -- The Cutters winning the big race at the end of the movie.

22. HAPPY GILMORE
A new addition! It took me four full years to come to grips with the fact that I watch "Happy Gilmore" every time it's on TV. A former hockey player-turned-violent golfer? What a great idea! I mean, how did they not make a sequel to this? And any sports film that ends with a miniature golf putt belongs on this list... period.

Four key casting moves that pushed the flick over the top, at least for me:

* The casting of Carl Weathers as Happy's mentor. Of course, he dies midway through the movie. Why can't Carl Weathers catch a break? He died in "Predator," he died in "Rocky 4," he died in this... he's like Kenny from "South Park."

* ESPN anchor Chris McKendry playing the part of Happy's girlfriend and showing more life than she ever showed on "SportsCenter," which isn't exactly saying much. (Wait a second... that wasn't Chris McKendry? Are you sure?)

* The oily, villainous, hateful Shooter McGavin (Happy's rival), as played with gusto by That Guy.

* Bob Barker.

****CHILL SCENE -- Yup... there's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, and then there's Happy Gilmore and Bob Barker slugging it out at the Celebrity Golf Challenge. I get chills from hyperventilating when I see this.


21. ONE ON ONE
What a flick! Robby Benson stars as Henry Steele, a hotshot farmboy recruit of a big university (I think it's California State, but I'm not sure) who has everything go wrong for him. The evil coach (That Guy who played the coach from North Dallas Forty and the senator in Godfather 2) wants Henry to give up his scholarship, but Henry refuses, so the coach does really mean things like making Henry run the stairs 600 times and having other players rough him up in practice. But in The Big Game at home -- when two guards go down and another fouls out -- the Coach has to play Henry and Henry goes nuts, pouring in about 20 points in five minutes to win the game.

Young Robby is unintentionally comical as Henry, who's really just a complete dope... and yet he's somehow likable. As a bonus, Benson might be the best actor-basketball player of all time. (Henry Steele or Woody Harrelson? It's a toss-up.) Also, listen to the soundtrack by Seals and Crofts that reeks of the 70's, look for a 17-year-old Melanie Griffith as a hitchhiker who steals from Henry, and check out Robby in bell-bottoms.

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Henry leading the big comeback.
2) The end, after the coach tells Henry he can have his scholarship back and Henry says, "About that scholarship? Up your $&% with a red-hot poker. I can go to any college I want now."

20. HOOP DREAMS
Influential, powerful, and unforgettable. If you haven't seen "Hoop Dreams" or read "The Last Shot" by Darcy Frey, you can't consider yourself a true basketball fan.

****CHILL SCENE -- Arthur playing basketball at one end of a Chicago playground while his father tries to buy drugs at the opposite end... and Arthur noticing his father sneaking behind a building with a dealer. The look on Arthur's face is more powerful than anything "He Got Game" could ever offer.

19. ROCKY IV
The funniest Rocky movie ever. There are 15-minute sequences without dialogue. There's Dolph Lundgren as evil, monosyllabic, steroid-frenzied Russian Ivan Drago (who has five lines of dialogue all movie -- "I cannot be defeated," "You will lose," "I must break you," "If he dies, he dies," and "You're dead"). There's Brigitte Nielsen with a gawd-awful Russian accent. There's Adrian with her standard "You CAN'T win!!!!" speech. There's Stallone hopping in his Lamborghini after Apollo dies and having a flashback scene in which he goes 140 MPH and shifts at least 40 times into at least the 35th gear. There's Stallone pulling out his old beard from "Nighthawks" for the training sequence. There's Rocky not only agreeing to fight Drago in Russia, but refusing to be paid for it AND fighting on Christmas, no less. There's the comical training sequence which juxtaposes Drago and Stallone training (hmmm... what was the director going for there?).

Best of all, there's Duke giving the pep speech to Rocky ("When Apollo died, a part of me died too... but now YOU'RE the one") and the ridiculous 20-minute fight-to-the-death scene, which ends with the Russians cheering Rocky (the biggest stretch in movie history) and Stallone yelling... "If I can change, and you can change, EVERYONE can change!!!"

What a ludicrous, awful movie. I loved it.

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Duke's pep speech.
2) Rocky climbing the mountain and screaming "Dragooooooooooo!"
3) Drago sneering at Rocky as he's cradling an unconscious Apollo.
4) The 15th round.
PS: If you're lucky enough to see this on DVD with a stereo surround sound, every scene is a chill scene -- this is the best-sounding DVD this side of "Boogie Nights."

18. BAD NEWS BEARS IN BREAKING TRAINING
The most underrated movie on this list. No Tatum O'Neal and no Walter Matthau this time around, but we still have most of the Bears inexplicably travelling to Houston to play a Texas team in the Astrodome. Three key things here: 1) No coach, 2) a cheesy 70's soundtrack, and 3) Kelly the Center Fielder driving everyone down in a hot-wired bus. There's also some great baseball footage, some cheesy father-son moments, and cameos from Houston Astros stars Bob Watson and Cesar Cedeno ("Hey, it's Cesar Cedeno and Bob Watson!")

My favorite scene: Right before they leave, when they get the school's retarded gardener to pretend he's the Bears coach, and he's introduced to all the parents... who never suspect a thing, even though the gardener can only say "Hi, how are you?" over and over again. Now THAT's comedy.

****CHILL SCENE -- The umps call the Astrodome game off after two innings, but Tanner the Shortstop refuses to come off the field... and the umpires chase him but they can't catch him, and the crowd starts chanting, "LET THEM PLAY!!! LET THEM PLAY!!!"


17. RUDY
Another new addition: Personally, I wasn't a huge fan of the film because the Rudy character creeps me out a little bit, but I'll defer to the masses here. If this were just a movie, that would be one thing... but this story actually happened.

"Rudy" in a nutshell: The main character guy stalks the University of Notre Dame until he finally gets accepted -- even at the expense of losing his girlfriend -- then he allows himself to get abused for two straight years on the practice squad because he has no regard for his own personal safety. Of course, it all works out in the end, which is what makes the whole thing palatable. But if this were a love story, Rudy would stalk Julia Roberts for ten years, write her about 20,000 love letters, ignore a few restraining orders, get roughed up by her bodyguards for two straight years... and then they finally have wild sex with her in the climactic finale.

(Hey, wait a second... that movie might work! Somebody call my agent!)

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Rudy getting accepted to ND.
2) Seeing Mikey from "Swingers" carrying an extra 100 pounds (yikes!).
3) The players leaving their jerseys on the coach's desk in protest that Rudy can't suit up for the last home game (9.0 on the "chill factor scale."
4) Rudy's big sack (9.9 CF).

16. JERRY MAGUIRE
The first sports movie of this decade to take a shrewd behind-the-scenes look at big business, sports, and the modern athlete. How come nobody else makes sports movies like this? Is it that hard? There's just some great stuff here -- the dumb-as-rocks college QB Cush (who's being courted by every agent); the whole Roy Firestone bit; the contract battles; the wicked parody of sports agents that makes "Arliss" look like a piece of crap.

(Then again, a piece of crap could make "Arliss" looks like a piece of crap.)

Here's my theory: The key to this movie wasn't love and redemption and all that juicy stuff... the key was Rod Tidwell. He might be the best-written, best-acted character in the history of sports movies. Seriously. Cuba Gooding Jr. can never do another movie in his life, and he could still be living off Tidwell thirty years from now, as far as I'm concerned. I wonder how many of today's athletes saw a little of themselves in that character?

One more note: Is there a more underrated actor than Tom Cruise? Could anyone else have played Jerry Maguire and pulled it off so well?

I'm an enormous Cruise fan. He carried "Risky Business," he carried "Top Gun," he carried "All the Right Moves," and he even carried "Rain Man" (watch "Rain Man" again some time and tell me which part is harder -- Dustin Hoffman's or Cruise's?). I think Cruise gets a bad rap. He's the Scottie Pippen or Steve Young of the acting profession.

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Jerry giving the kid from "Meego" a hug in the kitchen while Meego's Mom looks on.
2) Tidwell getting knocked out on "Monday Night Football" and rising from the ground.
3) The "You had me at hello" finale (for chicks on

15. THE KARATE KID
Due to an editor's decision, this film was banned from the list for the past two years. Why? We were protesting the fact that it spawned three terrible sequels. Not one. Not two. Three. That has to be a record for a non-X-rated movie. Unfortunately -- because of the hazy stench of those sequels -- it's easy to overlook the brilliance of the first film.

As a classic 80's flick, KKI has everything you'd ever want -- cheesy hairdos, cheesy music, cheesy scenes, cheese galore. As a guy's flick, it features a young Elizabeth Shue as Daniel's girlfriend (in her chunky-but-cute stage). From a cinematic standpoint, it has some memorably-filmed scenes (like Miyagi saving Daniel-san from his Halloween beating, or Miyagi and Daniel-san training on the beach, before their homo-erotic tension suffocating us all in "Karate Kid 3"). And as a sports flick, it has one of the greatest endings of any sports movie EVER.

Yup. It's easy to forget now.

By the way, if I ever take karate lessons, I'm taking them with the Cobra Kai dojo.

****CHILL SCENES -- The last 15 minutes, period.


14. SLAPSHOT
It HAS to be here. Since we've all seen it 100,000 times, we'll skip the plot breakdown. The scene where Paul Newman first unleashes the Hanson Brothers is one of the funniest single scenes in movie history. Constant violence, lotsa laughs, and even some nudity. Also has the best hockey footage ever shot on film. A true classic. I'm only penalizing it for the scene when Ned Braden strips naked during the championship game, which was just plain dumb. No way a sports movie with a male strip tease makes the top ten. Sorry.

One more point while we're on the subject of underrated actors (well, that was about five minutes ago, but bear with me): Paul Newman submitted my all-time favorite "Paul Newman performance" in this one. Who else could have played Reg Dunlop, not just in the late-70's but ever? I loved Reg Dunlop. I hate sequels, but I would have paid to see a "Slap Shot" sequel if Reg and the Hanson were lured back.

****CHILL SCENE -- Six words: "I'm listening to the f**king song!"

13. ROLLERBALL
The best futuristic sports movie ever, a violent metaphor for the bleak destination of sports in the next century.

(Whoa! I just became Roger Ebert for a second. Sorry about that).

James Caan stars as Jonathan O., the star of the top rollerball team in the world (note: rollerball is a 21st century combination of roller hockey, rugby, and every sloppy WNBA game). The sport degenerates and degenerates as the Big Brother owners -- all of whom control the world in a Fascist society -- decide they'll get rid of all the rules because they don't want individual star athletes like Jonathan to inspire the subservient masses. It's really intellectual and cool, the complete and utter antithesis to Rocky 4.

****CHILL SCENE -- The end, when only Jonathan's left standing and the crowd starts chanting "Jonathan! Jonathan! Jonathan!"

12. VISION QUEST
Yessir! A surprisingly good high school movie with Matthew Modine as Louden Swain, a wrestler trying to drop two weight classes his senior year to fight Brian Chute, the star 160-pounder in the state of Washington. As an added wrinkle, a 22-year-old woman (Linda Fiorentino, who may or may not be the same person as Laura San Giacomo) moves into Louden's house and messes with his head until she finally devirginizes him and almost sidetracks the Chute match.

The moral of the story here, as always: Women ruin everything.

There's just a bunch of things to work with here: A great soundtrack (whatever happened to John Waite?), a Madonna cameo, genuine sparks between Modine and the older Linda Fiorentino, a good cast featuring a bunch of Those Guys (including the manager from Major League, the sergeant from Beverly Hills Cop, D.C. Dacey from Fast Break, and Jo from "Melrose Place"), a good storyline, a great premise, and a memorable ending. Need I say more?

****CHILL SCENES****
1) After the coach won't let Louden drop any more weight because he keeps getting nosebleeds, Louden climbs the wall of pegholes with the two pegs, all the way to the top, as John Waite's "Change" plays in the background (8.5 on chill factor scale).
2) The final match against Chute.
3) Louden seeing his buddy from the hotel before the match (the Major League manager), and the guy giving him a pep talk that includes Pele (a great monologue, 9.25 chill factor).
4) Carla saying, "Hey Louden, kick his ass" as "Lunatic Fringe" starts up in the background.

11. FAST BREAK
The second-greatest basketball movie of all time. "Battle of the Network Stars" Hall of Famer Gabe Kaplan stars as David Greene, the newly-hired coach of Cadwallider University (a little-known school in Nevada). If Greene can build a team that beats Nevada State, he gets a huge multi-year contract, no matter how he does it or what rules he breaks. So Gabe finds a team of really great New York players who have absolutely no business being in college, rounds 'em up, and drives them to Nevada.

It's hard to imagine a more politically incorrect movie. They smoke pot on the cross-country trip; they gamble in Las Vegas; there's even a variety of racial and homophobic subplots. It's the kind of movie that would never get made today.

It also cracks me up. Big time.

Also, look for NBA great Bernard King as the pool-shooting, pot-smoking, super-cool "Hustler." He actually acquits himself very well in the film - much better than Doctor J in "Fish that Saved Pittsburgh" and even better than Ray Allen in "He Got Game." No lie. And did anyone have a nicer running two-handed slam then Bernard King? I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it.

(The NBA... remember when it was FANNNN...tastic?)

****CHILL SCENE -- The comeback against Nevada State in the final 5 minutes. Good stuff.

10. CADDYSHACK
It's low on the list only because it's not a classic sports movie, but it does include golf and it's hysterically funny. I mean, this movie is REALLY, REALLY funny. Chevy Chase? Ted Knight? Rodney Dangerfield? Bill Murray as the Carl the Gardner? Spalding picking his nose and eating it? Billy Barou? Nah-nah-Noonan? Unbeatable.

My top ten favorite lines from the movie that had more great one-liners than any movie in the history of cinema:

10. "I want a hamburger-no, a cheeseburger."
"You'll get nothing and like it!!!"

9. "You must have been something before electricity."

8. "This steak still has marks where the jockey was hittin' it."

7. "Fifty Bucks the Smails kid picks his nose."
"Fifty bucks more says he eats it."

6. "Honey? Will you come in here and lufa my stretchmark?"

5. "Your uncle molests collies."

4. "Do you take drugs, Danny?"
"Every day."
"Good, good."

3. "Big hitter, the Lama. Long."

2. "How about a Fresca? Hmmmmm?"

1. "People think I'm an idiot or something because all I do is cut lawns for a living."
"Aw, people don't say that about you... as far as you know."

****CHILL SCENE -- Carl the Gardener hitting flowers with a five-wood outside the clubhouse and pretending he's playing for the Masters championship.

9. ROCKY III
The most polished of all the "Rocky" movies, with the best storyline and some stunning twists. Rocky's wrestling match with Thunderlips (Hulk Hogan in a career-altering performance) might be the best ten-minute sequence of any Rocky movie. How about Mickey dying (AND we find out his last name is Goldmill!)? Or Apollo training Rocky? Or Adrian unveiling the first of her "You can't win!" speeches? Or that really awkward hug between Rocky and Apollo after Rocky finally wins the beach sprint, when they just show a little TOO much affection for two grown men?

Best of all, how about Mr. T as Clubber Lang? Was there a better villain in sports movie history? "Hey woman! Hey woman! I bet you go to sleep every night wondering what it's like to be with a REAL MAN!!!"

Of course, Stallone is the key to everything. From his wailing/speaking seizure at Mickey's bedside after the first Lang fight ("Ehrhhshngh Mick! Aw sjsjshshgwge Trrrhsshh! Awrrtttt doin' jsjsfdgdgdfdfdf! I can't Ahjhdhsgsfsfeurjdjsiaj") to his confession to Adrian on the beach ("I'm afraid! All right! I'm afraid") to the final fight scene with Clubber ("You ain't so bad! You ain't so bad!), Sly is at his absolute apex.

Let's face it: In the history of American cinema, no actor has been so 1) unintentionally comical, 2) just plain ludicrous and 3) likable and endearing at the exact same time. Sly Stallone is a first ballot Hall of Famer, no questions asked.

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Rocky convincing Mickey to train him one more time for the first Clubber fight.
2) The final training sequence when Rocky finally gets the "Eye of the Tiger" back.
3) Clubber saying to Rocky before the second fight, "I'm gonna bust you up," and Rocky saying, "Go for it."

8. VICTORY
The first no-brainer on the list, at least for me. A team of POW's during World War 2 is allowed to play an exhibition game against the evil Nazi all-stars. Seriously, does it get more evil than the Nazi All-Stars? When a sports movie has a Nazi All-Star team, you know something special is about to happen.

As for the allies, Michael Caine, Pele and Sly Stallone (as Hatch, the goalie) are the most recognizable names; Sly's not really a soccer player, but since he can organize an escape at halftime of the game, they make him the starter (the poor incumbent goalie has to agree to have his arm broken so Sly can play, which always seemed a little far-fetched to me, even if the guy was Irish -- "Go ahead, guys, YOU escape")

As for the last 30 minutes... well, it just doesn't get any better than the last 30 minutes, with the exception of Sly catching the climactic penalty kick. My favorite moment is when Pele banks home the bicycle kick and the good Nazi stands up and applauds him. You have to love any movie with a Good Nazi.

One more thing: If you have a DVD player, just buy the DVD or I'm never talking to you again (One word: Widescreen). If you don't have a DVD player, then rent the videotape, if only to see Pele act and Michael Caine say really English soccer things. It's also fun to watch Stallone play goalie. A little too much fun, to be honest.

****CHILL SCENES****
There's about ten during the soccer game, but we'll give you four...
1) The Allies scoring their first goal.
2) As they're escaping at halftime, Pele doesn't want to go because he thinks they can win -- "Please Hatch, you know how much this game means to us... if we run now, we'll always be running... please, Hatch, let's play".
3) Pele's aforementioned bicycle kick (8.75 CF).
4) The final five minutes, period.


7. BRIAN'S SONG
I'm getting choked up just talking about it. The all-time saddest sports movie, with Billy Dee Williams as Gayle Sayers and James Caan as the larger-than-life Brian Piccolo, the Bears running back who died of cancer. Hold on a second... gotta compose myself here... sniffle... sigh...

Okay.

I love this movie -- how they become buddies even with the whole black/white 1960's thing, how Piccolo helps Sayers recover from a knee injury even though they play the same position, and so on. This is the first movie on the list so far that I've gotten chills just thinking about. I really need a life.

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Piccolo and Sayers racing through the park as Sayers is trying to recover from knee surgery.
2) Sayers telling the team that Piccolo is sick (a 9.9 CF).
3) The ending ("I love Brian Piccolo...")

6. THE JERICHO MILE
Now we're entering truly-rarified territory. Good God almighty! I've said it for two straight years: If you haven't seen the Jericho Mile, you should stop reading this and bitch-slap yourself a couple hundred times. Then again, it's probably not your fault because they NEVER SHOW THE DAMNED THING!!!! I mean, I can turn on my television at any point of the day and see Daniel LaRusso and Mr. Miyagi plant that damned bonzai tree in "Karate Kid 3," and yet "The Jericho Mile" -- one of the greatest sports movies of all-time, bar none -- hasn't been shown for the past 3 years.

Why do I know this? Because I check the TV Guide EVERY WEEK looking for it! Can they just show it once so I can tape it? Can they do that for me?

(Sorry about that... I just turned into Mad Dog Russo. My bad.)

Anyway, a quick rundown on the plot: Peter Strauss stars as Lickety Split, a convict who might be the best miler in America... unfortunately he's serving a life term for manslaughter, which means he can't leave prison grounds to compete in the Olympic Trials. Brian Dennehy, Roger F. Mosley and Ed Lauter are also involved.

I'm not giving anything else away because you might not have seen it. Just trust me...

****CHILL SCENES****
1) The evil gang killing Lickety Split's running buddy.
2) Lickety Split fighting the biggest convict in the place because the guy insulted his dead buddy ("He was my BROTHER!").
3) The convicts silently putting their food on Lickety Split's tray in the chow hall before the big race (9.99 CF).
4) The first big race.
5) The ending (9.9 CF).

5. FIELD OF DREAMS
I just remember seeing this for the first time with my friend Jennifer; both of us were frozen for at least five minutes after it was over. We were both like... WOW. We couldn't move. I think that's the only movie that's ever made me feel that way.

I'm not giving the plot rundown because if you haven't see it, you should just dig a hole and live in it. I think the world's separated into two kinds of people -- people who loved Field of Dreams, and people who don't have a heart. If I were dating a girl and she said she didn't like Field of Dreams, I'd immediately dump her. I'm not kidding, either. I'm dead-serious. It says a lot about a person where they stand on Field of Dreams.

****CHILL SCENES****
Oh, boy...
1) When Shoeless Joe first arrives.
2) When Costner drops off James Earl Jones after the Red Sox game and suddenly James Earl's standing in front of his car, and he says, MOONLIGHT GRAHAM! (9.0 CF).
3) Every scene with Burt Lancaster, who I think was already dead, but he came back just to be Moonlight Graham.
4) The ending, with Costner playing catch with his Dad as the cars start arriving at the farm (10.0-plus).

4. THE LONGEST YARD
Many people still haven't seen this, which always amazes me. It's certainly the best football picture ever; it might be the best prison movie ever, to boot. Burt Reynolds plays a former star quarterback who throws away his career after a point-shaving scandal and ends up in prison. The evil warden (a villainous Eddie Albert) has Reynolds organize a football team of convicts (the Mean Machine to play an exhibition game against his semi-pro team of prision guards. Guess what happens?

Just as an aside, I think this is Burt Reynolds' greatest movie ever. Nobody else in Hollywood history could have been as good as Burt was as quarterback Paul "Wrecking" Crewe (in my book, it goes Montana, Crewe, Elway, Marino). Also, look for a cast of Hollywood notables, includingthe ubiquitous Ed Lauter, Bernadette Peters, Michael Conrad (the bald guy from "Hill Street Blues," former football players Joe Kapp and Ray Nietzche, and the big guy who played Jaws in the James Bond movies. It's laugh-out-loud funny at times.

Quick story: One night this summer, I was half-asleep and flicking channels when I noticed TNT was showing "The Longest Yard." Keep in mind, it was 12:30 in the morning, it's a two and a half hour movie with commercials, I have it on tape, I've seen it 296 times, and I had to get up early the following morning to write a column that I hadn't even started yet. And yet I watched the whole thing. For the 297th time.

Now THAT'S the true definition of a great sports movie, good enough to move it up to fourth on the list this year.

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Crewe putting himelf back in the game after Pop said it was worth the extra 30 years for punching the warden ("Well gimme my goddamned shoe!")
2) Crewe's speech before the final play of the Big Game (9.9 CF) -- "We've come too far to stop now... for Granny, for Nate... for Caretaker... let's do it!"
3) The longest yard.

3. ROCKY
Maybe the most-influential sports movie ever, especially if you remember that the "Underdog finding redemption" theme has been imitated about 6,000 times in the last 25 years (consider "Victory," "Breaking Away," "One on One," "Vision Quest," "Rudy," "Hoosiers," and almost every other movie on the list).

How about Sly Stallone, who actually wrote this thing? It's a complicated, heavy screenplay, with rich characters and splendid dialogue... and Sly Stallone wrote it? Huh? Apollo Creed, Mickey, Adrian, and Paulie were all terrific characters (especially the grizzled Mickey), and I was a huge fan of the mobster's sarcastic driver ("Hey Rock, take her to the zoo. I hear retards like the zoo"). The climactic fight is basically a 15-minute chill scene, the first of its kind. And best of all, I always liked the fact that Rocky didn't actually win... he went the distance against Creed.

He went the distance...

****CHILL SCENES****
1) Rocky chasing Mickey down the street after he yelled at him.
2) The training sequence (good God! - a 10.0 CF).
3) Rocky telling Adrian the morning of the fight that he knows he can't win, he just wants to go the distance.
4) The entire fight scene (special emphasis on the part when Adrian walks into the stadium just as Rocky's knocked down in the 14th, and the Rocky gets up and Creed, astounded, drops his shoulders in disbelief -- another 10.0).
5) The ending ("And STILL champion... Apollo Creed!" as Adrian and Rocky hug.)


2. THE NATURAL
From beginning to end, the best-done, best-acted sports movie of all time. You may think differently. I'm not listing all the chill scenes in this one, either. Would take too long.

(All right... twist my arm.)

****CHILL SCENES****
Striking out the Whammer ... Roy's first BP session ... knocking the cover of the ball ... the homer off the clock in Chicago ... Roy's BP pitch that gets stuck in the net ... Roy showing up in the locker room ("Suit up") ... Roy gets the note ... Thunderboy breaks.

****THE GREATEST CHILL SCENE OF ALL-TIME****
Redford's final home run to win the pennant. I hope my wedding night is as good as this scene. I'd settle for half as good. Hell, I'd settle for one-hundreth as good. On the other hand, hopefully on my wedding night there won't be men jumping up and down and lights exploding.

1. HOOSIERS
Let's see what kinda hand I've been dealt with here.

I don't care whether you play or not.

This is your team.

I figure it's time for me to start playin' ball.

Coach stays.

I didn't think I could cut it the other night either, but after what Jimmy did, it would take the Indiana National Guard to drag me out of here.

Now don't get caught watching the paint dry!

You did good, Dad. You did good.

Strap? God wants you on the floor.

Dentyne.

Didn't know they grew 'em so small down on the farm.

One more Ollie! One more and we're going all the way!

I think you'll find those exact same measurements as our gym back in Hickory.

Let's win this one for all the small schools who never had a chance to get here.

I wanna win for my Dad.

Let's win for Coach, who got us here.

And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it...

Maybe they were right about us! Maybe we don't belong here!

Coach, can I say something? I think Jimmy can take the guy who's guarding him if we set him up.

I'll make it.

(pause)

(gulp)

I love you guys.

Slinks

BEST OF THE "FEEDBACK" COLUMNS (1997)

STRANGE AND BIZARRE


GILLWHOOLY WRITES:
Bill Simmons you are the man! Six months! I'm so proud of you I think I'll cry. It won't be long before the Herald and the Globe start a high-price bidding war for the pleasure of having you as an employee. You'll take over Bob Ryan's spot on ESPN Sunday mornings. You'll have a column in SI, and the Red Sox will win the World Series in 98.

You're only six months away from a whole year, WOW! Finally now you can quit your job as a male prostitute and cancel that ad in the Phoenix. Good job SportsGuy33!

****SG RESPONDS: You kidding me? There's NO WAY I'm quitting the male prostitute job!

MZAMIARA WRITES:
You've got it out for the Tiger. Let's see you make that kind of money on your sticky candy-coated couch potato Sega joy stick. Do you get nervous when that pizza man is about to bang on your door when you go to make that 12 foot putt?

****SG: Hah! When I'm playing Sega Genesis, I can tune out just about everything -- Charlestown parents screaming at their children ("Bow-bby, Maaaaak, Jenni-fah, come he-ahhh!"), the sweltering heat of my 4th floor apartment, the cackling sounds of my roommate as he watches Howard Stern's "E! Television" show, girlfriends leaving nasty messages on my answering machine ("Bill, I think we need to talk... I don't like how you make me wear Larry Bird's jersey to bed every night...").

Let me tell you, the pizza man ringing the doorbell doesn't even faze me. I welcome the distraction.

RayMLK1 WRITES:
Your backing off... well now... the truth really hurts... LOSERS... Foxboro is a sewer... and so are the fans... Boston #10,000 sports town... just like your Dead Sox... the B's, and your C's... please look for another Larry Bird... he was the best... I come from where regular coffee is black... you p****** call it cream and sugar... no wonder... ass backwards... just like Storrow Drive... not even the Oscar Winner can travel down it... your town sucks...

****SG: Good points. By the way, I loved you in "Sling Blade."

Wozzwillo WRITES:
George Seifert was the first person to come to mind when I thought about a coaching change for the Pats. But after thinking about it for a while...what about Sherman Lewis from GB? I mean George isnt getting any younger and if we stole Sherm we wouldnt have to play against his brilliant offensive designs, if nothing else maybe we could run it in from the one.

It's most pressing that we dont wait...but keep in mind, a guy like Bob Kraft won't be talked at, so we have to ask very nicely.

--The Wizard of Wozz

****SG: I just enjoyed getting an e-mail from someone named "The Wizard of Wozz." Say hi to the Scarecrow, Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion, and Karl Malone for me.

GIZZMO81 WRITES:
I got a bone to pick with the MIAA's refs for the BROCKTON BOXERS vs. the WALTHAM HAWKS. They are:
1.) Their ability to call on most plays out and out stinks to no end.
2.) They don't know how to show respect to the BOXER'S marching band which I am proudly a part of.
3.) If the ref knew his head from his a$$, things may be different. I feel that all of the calls against Brockton were horrible. And most importantly, I feel an apology should be sent to Mr. Vincent Macrind at the Brockton High School Monday through Friday, 9:00 - 2:30 Est. Thank you for your time, but I feel that I had to say what I did and I am damn proud of it too.

****SG: Huh? When did I become the Brockton Sports Guy? And do I send my letter of resignation to Vincent Macrind?

JGRADY23 WRITES:
I just read your Week 7 Picks, and while I do agree with most of them, a couple stand out as complete losers, much like yourself.

While I agree with Cab over Pinot, Sony over Sega, and dumb girls over smart ones (who doesn't?), how on earth can you pick Joe Buck over Bob Costas. Joe Buck is awful, and not just because he works for Fox. Fox ruins baseball coverage, someone tell the baseball is not football and they cannot turn it into football. I have one word for you as to why he got that job: nepotism. I would not want Joe Buck to call my high school games. I can't believe you would say that about Costas, who believes in old-time baseball, one of the few out there.

Also, on your Sly-over-Arnold pick, I have the following in response: "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!", "Oscar", "Tango and Cash", "Rocky V", and last but certainly not least "Rhinestone." His success with Rocky's 1-4 and Rambo's 1 & 2 do not match up with Terminator 1 & 2, Total Recall, Eraser and all of those cool commando movies...

Lastly , how can you pick Ginger over MaryAnn? You said earlier that you prefer dumb girls to smart ones... well, MaryAnn is as dumb as a stump. Not that Ginger was a brain surgeon, but she did have a job. Mary Ann was a farmer's daughter, and I loved those short shorts she wore. Do you think she ever slept with the Skipper?

****SG: Lemme tell you something... I think everyone on that island slept with the Skipper at least once. And I mean EVERYONE.

TommyR35 WRITES:
I turned the Broncos game on with just a little bit less than 9 - minutes left to play in the third period. It was fourth down and the Bengals were at about the three yard line. They seemed desperate to go for the TD rather than take the apparently easy FG. I looked at my wife and told her that the Broncos must really have these guys scared for them to be playing this desperately in the third quarter.

Please warn your team that by the time they see the whites of John Elway's eyes, it will be too late for Ed McCaffrey will be catching the ball in the endzone.

****SG: Yeah, I'll let them know...

JMccabe104 WRITES:
Bill, who will next make the transition from pro football/basketball to the WCW or WWF?
--Chief Jay Strong Bow

****SG: Jeez, I thought Chief Jay Strongbow was dead! How's your brother Jules? Anyway, here's a few crossover candidates:

1) Michael Irvin is thinking of becoming Partyman, a fun-loving wrestler who brings drugs and hookers into the ring before each match and tries to get his opponent arrested.

2) Former Patriot quarterback Tony Eason has already signed on as PRISON BITCH, a pathetic ex-quarterback who dresses in prison garb and falls quivering to his feet every time an opponent runs at him.

3) Karl Malone and David Robinson will form a tag-team called THE WUSSIES, where they'll win a lot of meaningless matches in the WWF and then lose against anybody who's good. I'll keep you posted if anyone else emerges.

KJKESSARIS WRITES:
Hey, indefensibly stupid! Even though he now hails from Canada, Clemens was cheered when he came back to Boston for one simple reason. He joined the Hart Foundation and has now superceded Bret "The Hitman" Hart as Canada's greatest athlete. Bostonians know greatness when they see it!

****SG: The Hart Foundation wouldn't want any part of Clemens. Actually, he would fit right in with them. If he shaved his head two years ago after the strike he would've looked like Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart... only fatter. By the way, it will take a few more 20-strikeout games for Clemens to surpass Bret "Hitman" Hart as Canada's greatest athlete. The Hitman's been doing it year and year out for ten years. And he's always in shape.

Watching Clemens last weekend was very wrestling-like, to tell you the truth. He was once a good guy.... then he turned evil like Hulk Hogan and came back and kicked our butts. After the game he should have gone into the Red Sox locker room with other members of the Blue Jays and cheapshotted Mo Vaughn, really kicked the crap out of him, and then spray-painted "OH CANADA!" on his back while Sean McDonough screamed in the background, "Oh this is AWFUL!!! Somebody stop him! Roger Clemens is completely out of control!!!!!"

Maybe the Boston fans would have stopped cheering then.

JSIEGAL007 WRITES:
Hey Sports guy:
I participated in a Dead Pool (Rotisserie, 7/23) a few years ago in college (UMASS Amherst...surprised?). There were only 7 or 8 of us, and the winner was the person who had BURL IVES on his list. I remember laughing with everyone else as we read our lists out loud, and heard Burl Ives. We all thought he died years ago...so imagine our shock when the only person to die that year on any of our lists was Burl Ives.

The prize was simple enough...the losers would pitch in to buy the winner a case of beer (Hey, we were college students after all...beer is the currency of choice). It's funny, a few days ago, i started toying with the idea of starting a league with some friends back home. I didn't know quite how to explain it...but now I am just forwarding your message along.

****SG: Burl Ives is dead? And who's Burl Ives?

DIVIT1 WRITES:
Jennifer Beals starred in "FLASHDANCE," not Footloose. How could you confuse the two when "Flashdance" shaped a generation?

****SG: Sorry. I didn't catch the oversight. Obviously I meant "Flashdance."

"Footloose" was the one with Kevin Bacon where he taught an entire town how to dance, thus liberating everyone in his high school from the town's religious and sexual restrictions (fueled by the maniacal rantings of a zealot, Orwell-ian reverend) -- which seemed antequated when you recall the egocentric, reckless, almost-masturbatory 1970's, a decade epitomized by gratuitous excess of drugs, disco and casual sex personified by "Studio 54," the Hemingway sisters, and Andy Warhol's paintings. What a memorable, breath-taking, ephemeral time!

Also, Lori Singer was in "Footloose." She's hot.

Stevie62 WRITES:
Subj: rocket roger
right on sports guy!! i find we're now all in the classic red sox fan mode... "wait 'til next year". of course, this year it's "wait 'til next year... when roger has nothing to prove again, shows up to spring training 30 lbs. overweight, and has nagging injuries all year because he's out of shape!" then we'll all see the roger we've come to know and love over the past four years... yep, i'm sure he'll really be earning that exorbitant salary then!
keep up the good work!
a former clemens fan
steve kinne

****SG: Thanks for writing, and please use the proper punctuation in your next e-mail. It's the little things that make me happy. How come you people send me e-mails with either 1) no punctuation, 2) all capital letters, or 3) white letters and creepy black blackgrounds? Are you deliberately trying to drive me insane? Sometimes when I read my emails I feel like a prison warden reading parole requests. For the love of God, HOW CAN I GET THIS MESSAGE ACROSS TO YOU?!??!?!?

GILLWHOOLY WRITES:
Bill-I just read your HEAD SCRATCHERS from 8/20.You must have been wacky on the junk when you wrote that.Are you sure your real name isn't Bill Spigoli?Did you have a teacher in high school named Mr.Hand?Anyways it was funny as hell.Good work!

****SG: THANX 4 THE PRAIZE!eye am doing the best that i kan for AOL and its ben a lota fun.Im glad u liked it.HOPEFULLY AOL WILL GIVE ME A BIG FAT JUICEE CONTRACT SOON.Seeyah nex weak...

PeakoPeako WRITES:
Here's a classic for your weekly "My Favorite BOB KRAFT WAS DRUNK" story in your Feedback column:

Last year, just prior to Christmas, the Kraft's were preparing to have a party for the just the players, coaches, and their spouses/girlfriends. Parcells and the coaching staff declined to go when they knew Kraft was going to be there. Kraft had the party anyhow.

During the party Bob Kraft was acting like he fell into a vat of Pouilly Fuisse (what else is new?). At one point during the evening one player (who shall remain anonymous) was getting ready to introduce his wife to Bob Kraft. It's important to note that the player's wife was a former cheerleader at a bigtime school and she would have no problem at all passing the "elbow test" (if ya know what I mean?).

Well, she was also wearing a low-cut v-neck dress. When they (Kraft and Mrs. Player) were introduced, Kraft didn't even make eye contact with her (cause his head was hunched over) and simply blurted out, "Boy, I'd love to jump in between those two..."

Needless to say, the anonymous player received a new contract in the offseason and it's my bet that he'll will never have to seek employment elsewhere.

This is word of Peako.

****SG: I don't know whether that story's true or not... but I'm telling it at every one of the Christmas parties I attend this month. As Bob Kraft would say, "Pass the egg nog!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

MOMENTS OF LUCIDITY

Helix016 WRITES:
SportsGuy, okay, I know you get a ton of these things, so I'll try to make it brief:

Regarding your comment describing Drew as throwing the ball like a drunken college kid playing frisbee, let me just say that I am a college kid on my school's (University of Colorado) Ultimate Frisbee team, and I think we play pretty damn well when we're drunk. Somehow, I think our heads spin at the same frequency as the frisbee, thus putting things in perspective.

I think Drew's just keeping us fans on our toes. The minute a Boston sports team enjoys any success, one of the players takes it upon himself to scare the be-jee-bees out of us.

I proudly call myself a Boston sports fan, and this is the first time I've been away from home, virtually cut of from the other wacky fans like myself. I need this team to do well, afterall, I'm 25 minutes from Denver. And I'm sick of reading the damn Denver Post. So, when Sundays roll around, I park my ass at the nearest sports bar with my Bledsoe jersey and announce to as many people as I can where I'm from.

That Monday night game against Denver worries me. I mean, I'm fragile, and if the Pats lose after I shoot my mouth off, I could get hurt. Nevermind...

Ben Bronson
(formerly of Melrose, MA)

****SG: 1) I'm not sure the Patriots will ever win in Denver as long as John Elway is alive. If they can pull off the Week Six upset... this is a team of destiny. Personally, I don't think Denver's half-as-intimidating with those new James Caan-in-"Rollerball" uniforms. I was terrified of the Orange Crush look. Now I'm giggling half the time.

(Speaking of Denver... has anyone seen Gil Whiteley's picture yet? I mean... have you SEEN this guy? And he makes fun of us???)

2) I liked the Bledsoe "be-jeebies" comment. Other HEEBIE-JEEBIE Boston players that have terrified us over the years include:

Heathcliff Slocumb, Mark Clear, Bob Stanley, Tony Eason, Kevin McHale (1980-1984), Irving Fryar (circa 1985), Jon Casey, Vagas Ferguson, Glen Wesley (all overtimes), Gilles Gilbert, Scott Sisson, Luis Rivera, and the HEEBIE JEEBIE guy of all-time, Mr. Calvin Schiraldi.

By the way, when I called my Dad for help composing the above list, he grumbled: "It's not a legitimate list until you put Mo Vaughn In Any Ninth Inning." He was serious. My Dad's getting so grouchy in his old age! Maybe he knows time's running out and he might not see the Sox win a World Series in his lifetime.

You know, if I was turning 50 in two months, that would make me grumpy, too...

PEArg WRITES:
Finally, I often hear that really good athletes just do not like watching their own sport (i.e Joe Montana hates to watch football, hence the corpse we saw on television each week. "Yeah, Mr. Gibbs, I agree with you.") So maybe the TV stations should mix it up a bit. Put Joe Montana on golf, Mike Milbury on baseball, and John MacEnroe on boxing. Then things might get a little interesting.

****SG: I like this idea. Joe Montana would be good on golf because he's so stiff that they could have Tiger Woods try to drive off the tee using Montana as a five-wood. Some other suggestions:

1) Barry Melrose doing Olympic gymnastics -- Just so we could hear him try to say words like "pommel horse" and "handstand," and also to see what nickname he would give Bela Karolyi ("Belly?").

2) Bill Walton doing figure skating -- "Oh, she was supposed to do a triple=double there, not a double-single! That's TERRIBLE!!! That's J-J-J-JUST TERRIBLE!!! She should j-j-j-just skate off the ice and KILL HERSELF!".

3) Hubie Brown doing baseball -- "Okay, now in the other dugout, I'm Jimy Williams. I'm down by one, I've got runners on second and third, there's one out, and my pitcher's coming up because I'm playing the Mets in interleague play. I look down my bench and I see an injured Mo Vaughn; a wife-beating Wilfredo Cordero; somebody named Mike Benjamin - who's either the bat boy ar a utility infielder, I'm still not sure; Shane Mack, who I can't double switch into the outfield because his right arm is made out of fusilli; and I've already used Scott Hatteberg and Jeff Frye. What do I do?"

RWabate WRITES:
Thats it, I've had it. Watching this Patriots coaching staff answers the age old question of why Fredo wasn't given control of the Corleone family.

****SG: I love the Fredo analogy. I'm definitely stealing this for the rest of the season.

Do you think after the 49ers hired Steve Mariucci as head coach last January, Pete Carroll went to see San Francisco president Carmen Policy screaming, "That's not the way I wanted it! What about me? What about Pete? Send Pete off to do this, send Pete off to do that. Let Pete take care of some Mickey Mouse defense. Send Pete to pick up some free agent at the airport...

"I've been here longer than Steve and I was stepped over! I can handle things! I'm smart! I'm not dumb like everyone says... I'm smart! I want my respect!"

TJWALDRON WRITES:
This is good stuff. I just found your page a couple of weeks ago. I've enjoyed your columns as much as any since Ray Fitzgerald (poor guy) and Leigh Montville. Too bad SI doesn't let Leigh write anything anymore. I guess he just won an Emmy or something for his work on CNNSI (If a tree falls in the forest..).

Seriously though, you write well. It's hard to believe a guy that spent four years in Worcester could have any talent. I guess your dementia shows in your NFL picks. Too many Coney Island hot dogs?

By the way, I have an idea for you. Don't you just love Scott Zolak? I mean, wouldn't he be a great teammate? I think you're right about all the Patriots wives and girlfriends hating him. You should come up with a "Ferris Bueller All-Star" team. (I've been called Ferris by more than one of my friends wives/girlfriends. I took it as a compliment even though I'm pretty sure it wasn't meant as one.)

You could have people like Rick Robey, Jay Miller, Charles Barkley, Irving Fryar (before he found The Man), Wade Boggs (maybe not completely accurate, but can't you hear the conversations back in 1987: "I swear I had no idea what he was doing honey. I'm sure he's the only one involved in that kind of thing." - Marty Barrett), Michael Irvin and, dare I say it, the BSG?

****SG: The BSG is definitely a charter member of the "Ferris Bueller All-Stars." Just about every wife/girlfriend of my buddies thinks I'm the anti-Christ.

About Zolak... Has any athlete in the history of sports had a greater job? Think about it... $650,000 a year to hold clipboards and buy Bledsoe beers? In my next life, I want to come back as the Z-Man. Maybe I'll get a head start right now and put on a #16 Pats jersey and start hitting on women at The Purple Shamrock.

Scorsese77 WRITES:
(In the "20 Best Sports Movies" column, you wrote): Breaking Away - "Sure its about cycling, but its still a great sports movie."

If you don't think cycling is a sport, then you must not be able to keep up with the rest of us. I ride about 100 miles each week in the summer and I can definitely tell you it is a sport. Also, The Tour De France? Ever hear of that?

Aside from that, Breaking Away is my all-time favorite sports film, though its more about breaking away from your family and your roots and your friends and your childhood. The cycling reference is basically a metaphor for coming of age. It also has the hilarious Daniel Stern as Cyril and that's Jackie Earl Haley as Moocher (Kelly from the Bad News Bears). "The lead guy" is Dennis Christopher, he mostly just makes appearances on "Murder, She Wrote" and shows like that now.

My favorite scene is where Dennis Quaid is talkin about the college kids never getting old while he becomes, " . . . 30 year old Mike, 40 year old Mike, mean old man Mike." It really shows you the quiet desperation they all live in in the shadow of the college.

****SG: Were you listening to acoustic guitar music when you wrote this?

EatnPaste WRITES:
That yo-yo JHOPP from the 9/14 "Feedback" seems to be in a zone, the twilight zone. His list of players that didn't have the "power of the zone" is a joke. Dwight Gooden lacked the zone, that's why he has a Cy Young and two World Series rings. Dan Marino lacked the zone, so he breaks damn near every passing record known to man on bum knees. He doesn't lack the zone, he lacks a team.

Jhopp missed a major point. Look at the teams that surrounded QB's like Bradshaw, Staubach, Montana, Aikman, and Favre. How many Hall of Famers has Marino played with? The QB's he described as not having "the zone" didn't win a Super Bowl.

Football is a team sport, and I don't care if Favre or Staubach went into a Zen-like state and Jesus Christ himself was split wide right. There's only so much a QB can do. Put ay one of them on the Saints and maybe they have a .500 season. How much "power of the zone" would they have then?! PUTZ!!

And NEVER again slag on Superfly Snuka. He's 137 years old and has had more furniture broken over his head then you can ever hope to own. The man LIVES in "the zone"!

jhopp@frk.com RESPONDS:
Bill, please forward to Eatnpaste....

I'm pretty psyched to get that response because I've never actually been called a "yo-yo" or a "putz" before. Two things: 1) Its kinda cool. I feel like I'm on "Mad About You" or in some Jackie Mason tirade or something. 2) Eatnpaste might be the biggest loser with whom I've ever come into contact. He, in typical non-athlete sofa-jockey fashion, started spewing stats and team rosters like Ogilvie. A loser fatboy I'm sure, he completely missed the point of my letter.

I would bet my brand new cross-trainers that Eatnpaste has never EVER been in the zone, in an actual sporting event, or with a woman. I suppose he could be a bowler or fisherman or something, but all that qualifies him to do is scratch fat asses and drink Genny Creams. Not that I'm arguing that I'm a world class athlete or anything, but at least I've done more with balls than pick up my own to look for the TV remote. My comments were about individuals, not teams, and I stand by my entire list(*).

If Eatnpaste had ever actually competed in a sport or done more than memorize game stats, suck cheezwhiz straight from the can, and played Intellivision Baseball while growing up, he'd have understood my comments.

PS -- Ok, maybe I was wrong about the Superfly, whom I'm willing to concede had to have been in some kind of zone. He fought Morrocco, Affa, and Sika all by himself in the steel cage, for God's sake!!!

****SG: All right! Some good old-fashioned mud-slinging! Doesn't get any better than that!

Speaking of the Superfly, my all-time wrestling fan "moment" occurred when I was nine or ten, the time Superfly Snuka (still a bad guy at the time) fought a steel cage match against Bob Backlund for the WWF title (this was in the old days, when the steel cages were 15 feet high). Snuka beat the crap out of Backlund all match, punctuating the beating with a Superfly leap from the top rope onto Backlund. All Snuka had to do was climb out of the cage and he had the WWF belt.

So Backlund's out cold, and Snuka starts climbing the 15-foot cage to get the hell out of there... but at the top of the cage he looks back down and sees Backlund lying on his back. Suddenly he's standing ON TOP OF THE 15-FOOT CAGE, his arms raised, and everyone realizes he's about to try another Superfly splash on Backlund.

I'm telling you, Superfly Snuka was 15 feet above the ring. I'm not kidding. Everyone in Madison Square Garden just kinda stood up all at once. People were excited AND frightened, if that's possible.

So Snuka raises his arms and jumps, and he drops and drops... and at the last second Backlund somehow rolls out of the way, and the Superfly hits the ring so hard that he BOUNCES five feet back up in the air. I don't know how he survived. He definitely would've killed Bob Backlund, who ended up crawling out and keeping his title. That wuss.

Anyway, that's my Superfly story. It's true, I swear.

But I digress...

RBazed WRITES:
The Skins game is on. I must say that this is the most boring overrated sports television event every year, and I love golf. There's only one way to turn this turkey into a winner: MAKE THEM PUT UP THEIR OWN CASH !! When I play, I put up my own cash. Have the sponsors and the network give all the money that they currently give to the players to charity. Then see who has the nads to show up. This I'd watch.

****SG: I agree. Not only that, but they should have three golfers (say Tiger Woods, Fred Couples, and Greg Norman) play skins with a reputed mobster. Let's see Tiger make a 15-footer for $250,000 to force a carryover with John Gotti Jr.... as Gotti's caddy, Paulie the Gimp, stares him down.

Cog99bama WRITES:
Sports Guy,
There is a restaraunt in Brockton that everyone talked about while I was growing up as the BEST restaraunt on the South Shore. Of course my parents never brought us when they went there because it was too expensive. Well... when I was old enough to afford the joint, I brought a date there. It was HORRIBLE - bad food, bad service, ugly waitresses and over-priced. I noticed everyone in the place was over 80.

That was seven years ago. Now everyone who goes there is over 90 and this overrated joint is losing customers fast. To make things worse, it takes up a prime spot for a Dunkin Donuts.

I learned a valuable lesson from this place: The people who made Eddie Andelman popular didn't know any better, so we just have to wait for them to die then WEEI will have to get rid of him.

****SG: If that restaurant was a professional sport, it would be major league baseball.

WB1971 WRITES:
Sportsguy, here's some random ramblings from me:

Without Terrell Davis, Denver would be 3-3 and they would be talking about Elway getting older. How soon before we hear how Deion Sanders wants to only play baseball, or play football elsewhere, or preach somewher or... something, Could the Niners have a weaker schedule... I mean... Please. Would Emmit Smith have been a Hall of Fame RB if that fat slob offensive line never existed? Kevin Gilbride doesn't have a clue. Kansas City and Spiderman are a fraud. Jaxsonville's fat slob offensive line will empty the stands in Dallas score 28-10. The J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets will be exposed for their true 8-8 form as their schedule stiffens up. The Raiders cut Brown to save money for next year's uper Bowl MVP....

There will be a direct resemblance between Mohammed Ali and Stan Humphries' when Stan turns 40. If the Massachusettes burns Kraft again, he should pay Rhode Island 200 million to move down there. These losers who bad mouth Bledsoe apparently don't watch other NFL quarterbacks. The biggest fraud's of all are slash? and the Steelers. They've given up more points than they've scored!!! That will rear it's ugly head. Oh, by the way how many INT's will Willie Clay have on Kordell Dec. 13th anyway? Denver isn't better than the Pats, Davis is. I've got to go relieve some stress, I could keep going...

****SG: Not a bad first effort. Some critiques... 1) When in doubt, throw in a reference to a "Rocky" movie; 2) Make each sentence a new paragraph (that makes every rambling stand out better); 3) Needs more humor; 4) When in doubt, bash Fred Smerlas; 5) You didn't allude to your personal life enough; 6) When in doubt, bash Pete Carroll.

PNinBoston WRITES:
I just spent a half an hour reading some of your columns. It's a good thing I still had on a pair of Depends(TM) from last night's drinking rampage or I woulda made a mess of this laptop.

I don't pretend to know a tenth of what you do about sports, but in the area of football, I can hold my own. The parallels you draw between women and sports (and vice versa) strike a familiar chord with me. For all of the graces women have bestowed on beer-drinking mankind, they cause us more nail-biting, emotional-roller coaster-ride, edge-of-seat moments than the tragic Buffalo Bills season of 1992.

And as far as the one you let go (from the 8/12 Ramblings), hey -- it happens to the best of us. Been there. Just don't forget all the good times you continue to enjoy as a bachelor while the rest of your whipped buddies are watching "the Color Purple" at home with a box of tissues.

The only thing I wanted to point out is that, since Kraft is still talking about moving the team, rooting for the Patriots this year is like calling up your X-girlfriend at 3:05 AM three months after the breakup. Drunk and swaggering as you whisper into the cordless phone that is pressed to your ear, you beg her to let you come over just one more time. As you tiptoe out the door so that your buddies don't hear you, you know that it's wrong. But it feels SO RIGHT!

****SG: Classic e-mail. I enjoyed it. Even the punctuation was good.

By the way, speaking of the "Guy Talk" column, a buddy of mine mentioned one thing that I forgot -- in college, he and his buddies used to have a running joke about relievers. If someone was talking to a girl all night... the next day someone else would ask him, "Did Lee Smith come in and pitch the ninth?" Meaning, did the guy close the deal with the girl (i.e. get lucky)?

Thought that was funny so I had to put it in.

I'll shut up now...

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TARGET PRACTICE

Wurthit WRITES:
I have been listening to Eddie Andelman for more than 20 years. Your criticism of him is plain and simply WRONG. He may not have the best knowledge of sports but he has one of the quickest wits in sports talk, is very funny and wonderfully entertaining. He makes half a million a year, which is probably half a million more than you. No wonder you are writing for AOL.

****SG: That's actually $499,893.56 more than me. But my contract's expiring next week... if AOL doesn't make me happy, get ready for an on-line strike and Replacement Sports Guy columns.

Lsrdice WRITES:
Your NFL Picks... just horrendous! If you lived here in Vegas you'd be standing at a busy intersection with a sign at rush hour.

****SG: And if I was standing at that intersection at night, I'd get a chance to see your wife working.

Punkbittch WRITES:
The broncs kick (bleep) and you'll see when we kill yall pats on monday u stupid (bleep) (Bleeping) (bleep).

I (bleepin) kill you u (bleep) (bleep).

THE BRONCOS ARE (bleepin) MAD AS (bleep)!

****SG: Needless to say, this e-mail had to be heavily edited. If I'm ever found floating face-down in the Charles River, please send the police to PunkBittch's house. Assuming he's out of prison by that time.

F Smerlas WRITES:
I found out through the grapevine that you have some sort of problem with me and you have dedicated some part of your website to bashing me. If you've got something to say to me you little punk, say it to my face. I'll smack you around like a little girl. I've got chunks of guys like you in my stool.

You don't like me on "The Big Show" with Glenn, that's probably just jealousy. I'm a popular radio personality, a retired pro football player, and I have a lovely family. You're some jerk with a website who can't get a girl. Your idea of football is playing with your Nintendo or whatever that crap is.

Maybe one day when you become a man you can have a life like mine, and maybe WEEI will even let you work overnights.

I should crush you just like the nits I pick out of the fur on my back. Just on principle.

****SG: I wasn't positive that Smerlas had written the letter until I wrote him back and asked a family question that only he would know. Well... he answered it correctly and I figured it was him.

After I posted that e-mail in the original version of this Feedback, Sports Guy Picks Pool member EATNPASTE confessed that he sent the F SMERLAS e-mail. It was a very well-planned-out joke. When I asked him the family question that only Fred would now, EATNPASTE frantically searched through all these Internet web sites and somehow unearthed the answer.

Jeez! I can't believe I got outwitted by somebody named EATNPASTE. That was a good one. Of course... this means war. Now excuse me while I change my underwear.

JOEL 597 WRITES:
Hey SportsGuy - Have you noticed that you write more about your miserable life than about specific sports issues. If we readers are your pychiatric couch, maybe you should pay us for making the service available!!

****SG: Hey, I resent that. I think I've found a pretty even balance between writing about specific sports issues and writing about my miserable life.

Notclevr WRITES:
That was a very heart-warming letter from MJ2345 in the last "Feedback" column (12/6), but I was a little distressed when I learned that he was a guy. A guy who is smitten with Michael Jordan (who I believe is also a guy). Ordinarily I would simply assume that it was his wife using the same screen name, but after your affection for such shows as 90210 and Melrose Place (in the TV column) was established, I began to wonder.

Just what kind of column is this anyway? I'd hate to think that I stumbled onto some sort of... alternative sports site (and I don't mean that in the X-games sort of way). And David Robinson as your first choice in a fantasy basketball league? Perhaps trading the somewhat effeminate Robinson for a more masculine center, such as Shaq, would reassure your readers who lead a more... mainstream lifestyle. I would greatly appreciate it if you addressed this subject soon.

PS -- Does this explain your wrestling fetish too?

****SG: All right, all right... normally I would have laughed this one off, but you had to go bring up the David Robinson thing. Do you think I WANT David Robinson to be carrying my roto team (which is in first place, by the way)? You talk about a bittersweet experience. I just want to get a big enough points-lead so I can trade his pansy rear end.

By the way... hey... um... what's wrong with wrestling?

Vyates24 WRITES:
Just peekin' at your Feedback picture and it looks like your letting your hips get ahead of your hands in your golf swing.

****SG: Thanks for the tip. Your girlfriend's helping me with my grip.

ADC 828 WRITES:
Thanks for five winners we bet the other way... keep picking your selections and not your nose. We would like to win a few more weeks I need Vegas money... Our best bet is Green Bay please bet the other way... maybe you should try cookin!

ADC 828 WRITES AGAIN:
I think you should be picking the WWF. Thanks for us having another "winning" week... we will not be writing you next week we made enough money from your picks... we are going to Aruba... I will try to find a computer down there to get your picks because if we win again we might stay.

****SG: How 'bout I come, too? I can just give you my picks as we sip daiquiris on the beach... Does Digital City Aruba have an Aruba Sports Guy yet?

Value4sale WRITES:
Didn't you use to be the kid on the Wonder Years? Well, we'd all appreciate if you would continue to do your monologues in the first person, and to yourself. I've read better journalism and more insightful commentary in a fortune cookie. You suck. Really. Who the hell are you related to to be able to keep this job???

****SG: I knew one of my old girlfriends would write in sooner or later...

Vain4 WRITES:
You've obviously found a way to bring some interest to your normally mundane sports column (by bashing EEI for the past week). Finding fault with something is VERY easy... is that what they taught you in college? You have your own column, why don't you report the sports the way you want to and we'll see how much interest your column generates..

I think you'll find that after you stop using WEEI as you headline you'll drop back into obscurity...

****SG: Drop "back" into obscurity? Where the hell am I now?

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THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE

Kumo1230 WRITES:
I have dropped by to check out your column a couple of times. Was on my way to becoming a fan when I read in your "Week 7 Picks" that you favor "dumb girls over smart girls." Talk about a slap in the face! Obviously, you are either really insecure, hanging around with the wrong women or both.

Sexy is a function of wit combined with looks, in either gender. I have been told I have both. I would like to think I might meet a guy who enjoys watching sports and doesn't look like he rummaged through the dirty laundry to find something to wear to the sports bar! Plenty of good looking guys lose all appeal when they can't think of anything else to talk about besides a bonehead reverse play...

I watched the Denver fiasco with two friends (a very smart and attractive female friend) our hands were sore from high fives in the second quarter and smacking the table in the third. Our voices were hoarse. We had a great time, despite the pall cast over the bar in the second half....and it was fun because they are smart interesting people who happen also to be rabid fans! I, for one, am not giving up on finding a guy who's both smart and attractive. Good luck to you, pal. Sooner or later you're going to want a conversation, trust me.

****SG: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Smart girls are the best... even when they start saying things like "What's going on with us?" Or "Hey, what's going on with us?" Or even, "Listen, the last few weeks have been great, but I was wondering what's going on with us?"

Smart girls rock! Even as they're making your life a living hell.

By the way... I love good conversation. Here are some of my favorite conversation-starters:

----"Would you like to come back to my place?"
----"I've got a fantastic wine collection; would you like to come back to my place?"
----"Are those real?"
----"Have you ever played the Sony PlayStation? Would you like to come back to my place?"
----"Would you like to see 'Boogie Nights' tomorrow night?"
----"Can I buy you another drink? Or would you like to come back to my place?"
----"Have you ever worn a replica Larry Bird jersey?"

Cookeo WRITES:
How about ya help get the word out to the fans in this town to encourage the Sox to protect Tim Naehring????? What a loss it would be to get stuck with all the cry babies we have been listening too lately!!!!! We want TIM to stay in Boston!!!!!!!! Can you help?

****SG: Tim Naehring is the baseball version of "Ally McBeal" -- only women watch "Ally McBeal," and only women root for Tim Naehring and think that the Red Sox should pay him $3 million dollars per season because he's cute...

Therefore, hence, thus... I'm willing to bet my Fred Lynn baseball card that COOKEO is a woman.

Cookeo, my female friend, my XY chromosome-filled reader, my proud carrier of ovaries... Tim Naehring always, always, ALWAYS gets hurt. It's hard to take female sports fans seriously when their favorite players always tend to be people like Tim Naehring and Don Sweeney.

Then again, my favorite professional athletes right now are tennis players Anna Kournikova and Amanda Coetzer. If they ever formed a doubles tennis team, I think I'd quit AOL and start stalking them across the country... so I guess that makes me a hypocrite and I'll shut up now.

Coors1Lite WRITES:
Please do not contemplate that move to New York!!!!! Boston would miss you and so would we!!! You are a great sportswriter and not too bad to look at either!!!! Give us your personal stats PLEASE!!!

****SG: Hmmm... my personal stats... I think I'll write this like it's a Playboy Centerfold:

NAME: Bill Simmons

BUST: Yikes, I'm not sure WAIST: Not yet HIPS: Nope

HEIGHT: 6'1" WEIGHT: 175

BIRTH DATE: 9/25/69 BIRTHPLACE: Back of a Volkswagen, Newton, MA

AMBITIONS: To keep being the Sports Guy, to stop asking my parents for money, to appear on "The Big Show with the Big O," to date a girl for more than 2 months without her asking, "What's going on with us?"

TURNONS: Girls who play tennis in really short tennis skirts, Dunkin' Donuts coffee, mac-and-cheese, old tapes of the '86 Celtics, girls in sundresses, only child's, Anna Kournikova, girls who don't mind when I ask them to put on a Larry Bird jersey before bed, any girl who's ever excitedly said, "Oh, cool, "Rocky 4's on!"

TURNOFFS: New York fans, people from New York, New York-area people, New York sports teams, group showers, girls who say "What's going on with us?", girls who wear Ray Bourque #77 jerseys in Boston bars, people who tell me I remind them of Chandler from "Friends," girls who don't eat that much on dates even when you know they're hungry, New Yorkers, people from New York.

NECESSITIES OF A STRONG RELATIONSHIP: Not sure. I guess love and friendship and all that stuff.

NECESSITIES OF A FAILED RELATIONSHIP: Fear of committment, being headstrong, putting The Guys over The Relationship, watching too much sports, always having to have my own way, leering at other women.

QUALITY MOST VALUED IN OTHERS: Anyone who laughs at my jokes.

MOST IMPACTING STATEMENT: "They forgot about one thing. They forgot about Larry Bird." -- Danny Ainge, May, 1987.

Kilcom WRITES:
Here I am busy at work (I work in sports marketing), and your Sports Guy Ramblings from 8/12 caught my eye. O.K. I will be honest some of your sports analogies were funny - others made me scared for you. (I am a woman)

So here is my attempt at the whole sports analogy thing...don't draft a big cornerback because of the opposition - what happens if things change on the other team? You'll be stuck with a cornerback. Not a good thing.

I am actually not a football fan so I think the key to a good sports analogy is to use an analogy from a sport you know. I am a long distance runner. Here it goes - run your race at your own pace like Lameck Aguta. I liked the column. Have a good day...

****SG: I like that... I think I'll heed your advice. You're right, I don't need a cornerback just because everyone else in my division is adding to their team. I think I'll just run my race at my own pace, much like Lameck Aguta.

By the way, who's Lameck Aguta?

Wicocanti WRITES:
I appreciate your "bandwagon" stance from the 12/11 Ramblings. Sometimes it seems that to be a "fan" you can't call it like you see it, can't say the truth as it is. I've felt for months that one of the rookies that ran so very well in pre-season for the Pats should have been groomed and ready as a back-up for Curtis Martin. I haven't been happy with Bledsoe all season -- my husband thinks it's funny, but I can tell when the cameras come close up on Bledsoe's face whether we'll win or lose that day. Yesterday against the Steelers, I knew by the middle of the second quarter, we'd lose, something stupid was going to happen. It made it hard to watch the third and most of the fourth quarters.

Drew has done a good job, in many ways, but he tends to focus in on "only" the person he's supposed to pass to, and then has a problem thinking with change. Most of the time he seems distracted. It makes one wonder how much attention he's really putting on the game when he's endorsing Ford vehicles so early in his career. True, other sports figures endorse products, but usually closer to the end of their career when they have to bridge to other income sources.

Does this make me less of a fan for holding these views? I think not. I will root for the good plays, and mourn the poor ones, and be furious with idiot ones. I will speak as I see it, and if that makes me a "bandwagon" fan, so be it. I have a great deal of respect for a number of teams this year and always, because I like football -- when I grew up, girls weren't taught anything about the game, so it wasn't until a friend, much later, explained the game, the players and things to me that I truly enjoyed the game. Since then, I consider myself a fan.

To me, a fan has the privilege of participating in the game by cheering one team and making noise otherwise. But blindly following a team and yelling "yea team" despite the fact the team is doing poorly doesn't raise the demand on the team to do better.

So, I like your column.

****SG: Thank you very much. I love when female sports fans write in. Female sports fans rule.

I also find them very threatening and I could never marry one. If all women started rooting for sports, then us (we?) men would have nothing for ourselves. What would we talk about? So I love the random female sports fans, but please don't start converting too many of your friends or you're going to ruin it for all of us.

And you've ruined our lives enough already. Just last night the Sports Gal was visiting and I missed Monday Night Football because we went over to her cousin's house so they could talk about France for three hours. And then she tried to play dumb at 10:30 and turn and say to me, "Isn't there a big game on tonight?" Twist the knife a little deeper, OJ- I mean, honey. Jeez.

You can't win either way. I think I'm gonna die single.

BlondeeQT WRITES:
Move to Denver...see what a REAL sports town has to offer.... Go Broncos... Patriots.... (steeeeenko) hahahahahahahahaha

****SG: Go back to your X-rated chat room, honey....

BlondeeQT WRITES:
Last week, I sent you an e-mail on what a great sports town Denver was... YOUR response: "Go back to your x-rated chat room, honey"

Now, dear, I suppose since you have visited many x-rated chat rooms..you would know all about them. I don't. Is that how you respond to all of the Bronco Fans who sent you e-mail? Looked like it to me. Every e-mail sent to you was answered with some smart mouthed attack on the writer.

Competition between sports fans from rival cities can be fun. The verbal volleyball played between Denver and Boston sports fans can be pretty lively. Lets keep it that way. Jumping to the conclusion that I am an X-rated chat room talker because of a screen name is the act of a pathetic, desperate wannabe sports commentator who has replaced civil sports talk, with anal comments about people who e-mail him.

However, we here in Denver understand how frustrating it has been for Pats fans and can see how you can easily slip into attacking the wriiter and not addressing the real issue. The Broncos are just a better team...after Denver beats the Patriots, oh what I wouldn't give to see you have to face a little reality.

Oh, by the way, your apology is accepted for that neanderthal comment to me about my screen name... tsk... tsk... most men know better....maybe when you finally emerge from your cave, you'll realize what year it is. May you choke on all the beans in Beantown.

****SG: I'm sorry I jumped to the conclusion that you might be a bimbo because of your screen name. I don't know what I was thinking.

It's certainly a screen name that most level-headed, intelligent women would use. I know new AOL member Hillary Clinton was disappointed when she tried get the user-name BLONDEEQT and it was already taken...

Kat5820 WRITES:
For the All-Ugly team... how could you forget Brett Favre of the Packers? And how about a list of the Best-Looking Athletes? My votes would be Joe Montana and Cam Neely. Love your column....

****SG: Funny you should mention this... I'm currently hard at work on the Sports Guy's All-Handsome Hall of Fame, which is scheduled to run on the same day that it drops to minus-20 degrees in Hell.

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BEST OF THE REST

BCSS73 WRITES:
Hey, Sportsguy, my name is Bill Simmons also. I live in Salem NH. You are right on what you say for the most part. However, I don't think THIS is the game Denver has been looking forward to playing. You and I both know that any matchup with Jacksonville would be the most anticipated game.

By the way, my middle name is much worse than yours, I'm sure. It's Herbert, bad huh? Now don't embarrass our name on the net. Good luck Bill!

****SG: I haven't heard from my father in 25 years and now he thinks he can e-mail me out of the blue? Just because I'm rich and famous? The man has no shame. I feel like Will Smith when Flip Wilson showed up as his father in that very special "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" years back.

Mtnmn14000 WRITES:
We don't have a life in this town (Denver)... so therefore we must live vicariously through our sports teams... this is because we're forced to work 70 hours a week to afford to live in this supposed paradise thereby leaving sports as the only available outlet.

****SG: Sounds like fun. I'll take the cold weather, the Boston accents, the one-good-looking-woman-for-every-six-miles ratio, and the low cost of living in Massachusetts, thanks. Plus, we get the Kennedys!

Recon09 WRITES
Hey Sports Guy... I have a lot of patience, but I need you to work with me on this Parcells thing. Were you around N.E. Pre-Parcells??? Do you remember when the battle cry used to be... Oh Yeah... just wait till next year? Do you remember the Pat's episode with the female reporter in the locker room? Or that player taking off at half time and getting in a car accident?... was that the same guy, that stabbed his wife or got stabbed by his wife with a fork? Or remember the days when Steve Grogan was a tackling dummy for the NFL? Remember when the Pat's were the laughing stock of the league?...

Now you are taking shots at Parcells? I think you have a built in "forgetter" or are trying to do a little revisionist history here.

****SG: What's a "built-in forgetter" and where can I buy one? There are a few ex-girlfriends I'd like to jettison from my memory. Also, I'd like to wipe out M.L. Carr's coaching era, Patriots seasons 1987-1993, "Rocky 5," all of the Bruins/Canadiens 1970's playoff series, and everything I've ever heard Fred Smerlas say.

Raybo WRITES:
Hi Sports Guy,
I'm writing because I want you to know some folks are reading your stuff and liking it. Your article on Michael Jordan was beautiful. I'm not really a huge sports fan, but I'm becoming more of one even though decades have passed since the days when I played a little sports (very little).

I have to say (you're gonna hate this) that a major explanation for my increased interest in sports is WEEI. I don't recall the specifics of your essay on them, but I do recall disagreeing with you on many points in that regard. Sure, they have flaws, but they've turned this lukewarm sports observer into an infinitely more interested fan. Eddie Andelman? A genius sports talk host. I don't care if he's not the most knowledgeable. He has a wonderfully inventive mind and is able to put an interesting spin just about any topic that comes along. So what if he thinks titillating is pronounced "tintillating?"

Keep up the good work, Sports Guy.

****SG: A really nice letter from an articulate reader... followed by an unsolicited opinion that Eddie Andelman is a "genius." I'm running the gamut of emotions right now. I'm not sure what to do. Let's just move on.

SGabeKahn WRITES:
Yo SportsGuy,
I got an assignment for my sports in American Culture class asking what sports will be like in 25 years if current trends continue. Seeing that your life is sports, I was wondering if you had any ideas... I'd really appreciate it!

****SG: I can't even hazard to guess. My Dad and I talk about this all the time. How high will ticket prices be? How high can the salaries go? Will there be some sort of "Rollerball" (with James Caan) type of sport? Will the WWF still be around? What will baseball be like when Peter Gammons dies? Will they eventually have to raise the rims in hoops? Will college basketball even exist?

Will Frank Gifford still have a job at ABC? Will sports gambling be legal? Will the NBA survive the loss of Kobe Bryant? How many more NFL quarterbacks will have sons with weird medical ailments? Hulkamania? Tyson-Holyfield 10?

I think only three things are definitely etched in stone in the year 2022: 1) The Red Sox will be on their 104th season without winning a World Series, 2) People will still be predicting that "this is the year women's basketball and soccer will catch on"; and 3) Sports will basically look the same as it does now, with more money involved, better TV reception, and cooler uniforms.

Also, hopefully Dan Dierdorf and Bob Costas will be dead. Or at least retired. Personally, I would prefer their deaths because that would lessen the chance of them coming back from retirement.

JNoakes WRITES:
Sportsguy, I hate to burst your bubble, but BeanTown is nowhere near a high- caliber Sports Town like Mile High City. The people here in Denver love our teams and support them through their rough times, as well as now in the good times. You haven't been able to get a Broncos Ticket for going on 20 years now. In Comparison; Patriots Games have only been selling out since the change of your old Stupid Logo to the new stupid Logo.

Even your Savior QB's younger brother, Adam, (who is going to be twice the QB Drew could ever imagine) goes to the University of Colorado. He loves Colorado, and says there's no place better for sports.

Baseball. The Colorado Rockies have carried teams, like the Red Sox, with the profit sharing. I dont think the red stockings could dream of 50k of fans, cheering & screaming them on.

Hockey. The Bruins are still clueless in Beantown. Avalanche games have been sold out since the team moved here from Quebec. Why was the team moved here? Because Comsat knew that Denver loves sports and we love our sports teams.

Even true Denver Sports fans, like myself, follow our Nuggets and cheer them on. Whether they go 82-0 or 0-82, we still love them. Bernie Bickerstaff's the one that messed them up. Wait, in 3 years the Nuggets will be challenging for the Western Conference Title.

While in the Marine Corps, I met alot of Marines from Boston and the New England Area. Talk to them about the Pats, Sox, Celtics, or Bruins; and I always got the same reply "They Suck." These are true hometown sports fans. I work with a guy who moved here from BeanTown last year. When the Patties made it to the SuperBowl, he told everyone they would lose by 5 TD's, because they "sucked." The Broncos lost in the Playoffs last year, and everyone in Denver didn't turn on them, our support got larger.

Hate to tell you this dude, but know your facts before you flap your lips. Now I'm going to hop into the cah and drive to the bah, where I'm going to root my rahkies into the NL West title, while having a beeh.

****SG: Oh man... you had to make fun of the Bah-stan accents... the one thing I can't and won't defend. That's it... I'm moving to Denver.

Let's go 'Lanche!

GSchu74260 WRITES:
What team are you from, someone obiously paid you BIG BUCKS to back the PACK. You're being paid to write about the Patriots, as far as I can see, you must be paid by the Bills. Get off your high horse and get a life. The PATRIOTS don't NEED you AND neither do us DIE-HARD fans.

I've been watching the PATRIOTS during winning and losing seasons, and I've seen alot of "trash talking journalist (like yourself) come and go. I hope you pick the latter. You have "no clue", what a Patriot fan is!!! Go back to your college campus and read about "DIE HARD FANS."

****SG: Listen here pal -- don't you EVER say I like the Packers again or I'll find you and stuff a cheesehead down your throat. I hate the Packers. They way they jived it up and rubbed it in during last year's Super Bowl was unforgivable. And seeing their annoying fans celebrate in New Orleans with CHEESE on their heads made me want to mutilate myself.

Here's how much I hate the Packers -- I played a Pats/Packers game on "Madden '98" on the Sony PlayStation and turned the penalties off; then I tried to cheapshot Brett Favre after every play to see him get carried off on a stretcher. It didn't work. He threw for five TD's and the pack won by ten.

Favre was probably so loaded up on video game painkillers that he couldn't feel anything.

Sean7579 WRITES:
I have to say that you are one of the funniest journalists I have read FEEDBACK. That comment on how much you hate the Packers? I never laughed so hard when you said how you took the penalties off (during a Patriots/Packers game on the "Sony PlayStation") and cheap-shotted Favre every play because I did the same exact thing the other day. I know I have a sick sense of humor but every time I read one of your columns I laugh my ass off. Keep up the good work!

****SG: I'll do my best. Hopefully the drugs won't wear off anytime soon.

Speaking of the PlayStation, just the other day I was playing the Patriots against the Vikings and Minnesota RB Robert Smith injured his knee and was carried off the field on a stretcher. Who says video games don't imitate real life?

gene@varna.ttm.bg WRITES:
Billy, I have read with great interest your musings and I don’t know which I found more shocking - your pursuit of serious sports journalism (the Southie reprint) or giving the Birdman a national outlet to further his quest to legitimize professional wrestling. For crying out loud, he’s married now. He must be weaned into the real world: No more Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, or Brett Hart. It's for his own good, as well as the good of his new marriage.

****SG: This letter is from Holy Cross graduate Gene McDonough (Class of '92), the living answer to the trivia question - "Who lived with the Sports Guy in a room right next to the Birdman's during their freshman year?"

That's when Bird and I used to stage fake wrestling matches in the Wheeler Two hallway - complete with fake championship belts, wooden chairs and baby powder. I'd knock on Bird's door and he'd open it and I'd whip the powder in his face (like Mr. Fuji with his evil salt) and clothesline him while his stunned roommate looked on. Boy, those were the days!

In a related story, I finished my freshman year with a 2.5 GPA...

YENAVED WRITES:
I just read your manifesto with regard to WEEI. I must say, you have stolen my proverbial thunder. With every Dale Arnold there's a nullifier in Eddie Andelman. With any cogent point made by a host there is a witless, homophobic, mysoginist or generally ignorant comment by a Fred Smerlas. Does EEI think that the majority of it's listenership is uneducated and ignorant?

When I hear Eddie Andelman's voice I change the station. I cannot believe this moron is still on the air. Next to the words "arrogant, ignorant, strident, philistine, egomaniacal, specious, insulting, provincial, embarrassing, sexist and porcine" should be a photo of Mr. Andelman.

Dale Arnold is either, oblivious (which i doubt) extremely diplomatic (most likely) or an abject masochist in regard to how he puts up with this idiot day after day. Believe me, all of my friends and workmates who happen to be educated and discerning people and listen to EEI, feel the same about Eddie. He is a disgrace.

****SG: I agree with the Eddie comments, but you used too many big words and probably confused most or all of my loyal readers. Right now EATNPASTE and GILWHOOLY are instant-messaging each other trying to figure out what "porcine" means.

SrStrikout WRITES:
All I can say is "Tim Wakefield sucks"

****SG: And you would know, Senor Strikeout.

RLW111 WRITES:
You listened to 'EEI (for the 'EEI Marathon) on the wrong day: Callahan decided that the difference between Carroll's glazed look and Butch Hobson's is that Hobson's was chemically induced.

****SG: I thought Coach Fredo looked hysterical on the sidelines yesterday in his brand-new Pats jacket and Pats hat. He looked like a little kid whose parents dressed him up for his first-ever trip to Foxboro Stadium. I was waiting for the TV camera to show Carroll during the second half eating an ice cream bar and getting it all over his face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!

Slinks

Most annoying people in the Boston sports media

Who are they? Big Poppa came up with the quintessential scoring system!(7/24/98)

Before we begin, I want you all to know something: I had so much fun writing this article that I actually peed on myself three different times. Boy, I'm having fun! This is great! I love this stuff!

Whoops...

I'll be right back...

(changing underwear again)

Okay I'm back!

Here's our quest for today: We're trying to figure out just WHO is the most annoying person in the Boston sports media today. To that end, I created a complicated scoring system that ranges from "0" (the lowest possible score, signifying the least amount of "annoyance") to "100" (the highest possible score, signifying the highest amount of "annoyance").

Sound simple enough? Here are the candidates in alphabetical order, with their total scores and how we arrived at their totals:

MASTERS OF THEIR DOMAIN

MIKE ADAMS -- 20 pts
Throws out an inordinate amount of one-liners during his WEEI stints, to the point you feel like you're listening to one of Shecky Greene's old routines on the "Tonight Show" (+25)... occasionally laughs at Glen Ordway's jokes (+10)... hasn't realized that if he tones down the Shecky Greene act and acts just a LITTLE more seriously, he's the logical candidate to replace Ordway (when the "Big Show" cast is taken behind the WEEI building and collectively executed after the station gets sold next month) (+20).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Doesn't take himself too seriously, a bonus (minus-25)... every so often, he makes a funny joke (-10).

EDDIE ANDELMAN -- 55 pts
Longtime WEEI host who stutters, stammers, and gets names mixed up about 97% of the time (+35)... out-of-towners use Andelman as a primary example why Boston people sound like idiots when they speak (+25)... probably lost his fastball in the early-80's (+15)... singlehandedly responsible for inflicting Jimmy McCarthy and Jim Witkin on sports fans for the past two decades (+30)... provided the sperm that eventually led to Mike Andelman's birth (+50).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Performs an admirable amount of charity work, including the splendid "Hot Dog Safari" (minus-30)... once tried to beat the crap out of Glen Ordway (-30)... unlike most people around here, you can tell he's a true sports fan -- an admirable trait (-10)... discusses and encourages illegal gambling (-20)... discusses and enjoys professional wrestling (-10).

DALE ARNOLD -- 15 pts
His pious/clean-cut/holier-than-though act is starting to wear thin, at least for me (+20)... a WEEI talk show host who also accepts paychecks from two of the five local professional teams (+25)... he's so white that even Amish people make fun of him (+10)... he's the only WEEI host who knows anything about hockey, yet he refuses to criticize loathsome Bruins president Harry Sinden (+30).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Superb interviewer (minus-20)... puts up with Eddie as a full-time job (-20)... a nice guy by all acounts (-25).

JIM BAKER -- 5 pts
Longtime Boston Herald media critic who probably crossed the line by printing intimate details of Glen Ordway's divorce last year... even I wouldn't have done that (+50)... ghost-wrote an autobiography for wife-murderer O.J. Simpson in the mid-70's (+10)... the last person on the earth who thought O.J. was guilty (+5).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Bashes WEEI relentlessly (minus-40)... doesn't play any favorites on the local media scene, much like me (-10)... on a personal note, when I worked at the Boston Herald, the Bakes was my favorite guy in the office (-10).

UPTON BELL -- 90 pts
We can't get rid of this guy! (+30)... he's like V.D. (30)... is that a dead animal on his head? (+30)... has such little credibility that he accused of Eddie Andelman of making up sources and stories and nobody even batted an eyelash (+30)... listening to him talk sports is like sticking wrapping tape on your legs and then ripping it off really fast (+30).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- That wig on his head is just inspired, rock-solid, comedy (minus-50)... he probably has nude photos of Bob Lobel and Liz Walker, which explains why Lobel keeps putting him in the limelight (-10).

RON BORGES -- 5 pts
Laughs at Glen Ordway's jokes on "The Big Show" (+25)... laughs at his own jokes on "The Big Show" (+25)... plays into the whole loathsome, buddy-buddy, "middle-aged-white-guys-controlling-the-Boston-sports-scene" thing (+25)... embroiled in a pathetic intra-squad feud with Will McDonough at the Globe, where he tries to one-up McDonough and constantly write the opposite of anything McDonough writes (+10).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Superb reporter for the Globe who's written some outstanding boxing pieces, especially some of his Mike Tyson stuff (minus-20)... one of a handful of sportswriters in this town who can actually write (-10)... stuck to his guns and broke the "1985 Super Bowl Pats drug scandal" story, which almost ruined his career when everyone on the team refused to talk to him during the following season (-50).

STEVE BUCKLEY -- 80 pts
Multi-media presence who writes columns for the Herald, contributes to Boston Magazine, appears on WEEI, and hosts his own TV show on New England Cable News -- and nobody can figure out why somebody gave Buck-shot all these gigs (+25)... the classic case of a talented, devoted beat writer being promoted to become a crappy, run-of-the-mill columnist (+25)... tried to start a feud with the McDonough family to promote own career (+10)... loves baseball to the point that it's kinda creepy (+10).

Interviewed an unnamed drug dealer after Reggie Lewis' death and quoted the dealer saying he sold drugs to Lewis, maybe the most shameful moment in the history of Boston sportswriting (+50)... even five years later, that still makes me angry (+10).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Started a feud with the McDonough family (minus-10)... anyone who can parlay "The Artist That Is Steve Buckley" into four different jobs deserve SOME credit (-20)... does quality work for AIDS charities (-10)... loves baseball to the point it's kinda creepy (-10).

STEVE BURTON -- 40 points
Whenever he replaces Bob Lobel on "Sports Final," watching Burton attempt to lead thoughtful sports debates is like watching Tom Hanks trying to profess his love for Jenny in "Forrest Gump" (+30)... so wooden that Channel 4 employees aren't allowed to smoke cigarettes around him (+20)... a well-known self-parody in the media because of his desperate attempts to kiss ass and "talk the talk" with black athletes on the Boston scene (+20).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- In a rare display of energy and zeal, Burton assailed and almost attacked Bob Ryan on "Sports Final" last Sunday about Ryan's Antoine Walker "punk" column, calling Ryan everything but a Ku Klux Klan henchmen (minus-20)... that was such high comedy that even Big Poppa was giggling (-10).

GERRY CALLAHAN -- 25 pts.
The only readable sports columnist at the Boston Herald, he sold out for big bucks so he could write mediocre puff pieces for Sports Illustrated (+25)... doesn't seem to really like sports at all (+25)... on the radio he comes across as sarcastic, mean-spirited, condescending and almost hateful (+25)... works with John Dennis -- guilt-by-association (+25).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- A genuinely good guy who just doesn't come across the right way on the radio (minus-25)... quit the Herald, which means he and I have something in common (-25)... once stood up to an angry Andre Dawson in the Red Sox clubhouse and threatened to punch him in the mouth (-25).

JOHN DENNIS -- 99 pts
So intimate with Patriots owner Bob Kraft that Kraft has accidentally called him "Myra" a few times (+40)... the fact that he appears on WEEI while simultaneously counseling professional athletes on "media relations" is such a conflict of interest that even Will McDonough is shocked (+50)... attended Bob Kraft's son Jonathan's wedding a few years ago (+50).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Before he sold out, he was a respected, honest, hard-working Channel 7 reporter for 18 years (minus-1)... somehow he gets away with all of this crap and still has his WEEI gig! I mean, you have to hand it to him don't you? He's like the Bill Clinton of the Boston sports scene -- how is he still standing??? (-50).

PETER GAMMONS -- 50 pts
Secretly thinks he runs the Red Sox (+20)... secretly strives to be the next Commissioner of baseball (+20)... repeatedly stressed over the past few years that "the media needed to be patient with Dan Duquette's long-term overhaul of the minor leagues," then turned on the Duke in stunning, Pearl Harbor-style fashion last summer (+30)...

Once nicknamed "The Weather Vane" at the Globe for his eerie ability to switch directions on a someone as soon as the wind starts shifting in another direction (+10)... the only person alive who thinks that people under 20 who speak English still watch baseball (+20)... allowed Duquette to feed him erroneous information about "prospects" like Dwayne Hosey and Rudy Pemberton (+20).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- The preeminent baseball writer in the country (minus-50)... nothing's more depressing than opening up the Sunday Globe and seeing Gordon Edes' or Larry Whiteside's name under the "Baseball Notes" column byline (-25)... an underrated writer, which is always respectable (-10)... watching him turn on longtime ally Duquette last year was like watching Curt "Mr Perfect" Hennig turning on "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and slamming his head in the steel cage door at "WCW War Games" last summer (-20)

SEAN GRANDE -- 5 pts
Full-time employee of the "Big Show" (+25)... laughs at Glen Ordway's jokes (+25).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- His "20/20 Flash" reports are the only redeeming part of "The Big Show" (minus-25)... he's in my Boston Media Rotisserie League -- you know, the league of which I'm still in first place -- so he's seen first-hand the power of Big Poppa (-20).

ED HARDING -- 5 pts
Almost impossible to take seriously (+10).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Sold his house in Wellesley to the Sports Dad (minus-5).

GENE LAVANCHY -- 0 pts
Laughs at Glen Ordway's jokes (+25)... ascended in clumsy Channel 7 takeover that led to the departure of mentor John "Myra" Dennis at Channel 7, which was kinda like Macho Man Randy Savage turning on Hulk Hogan before "WrestleMania IV" (+5).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- A genuinely good guy who's universally well-liked... the clumsy Channel 7 takeover wasn't his fault (minus-25)... plus the clumsy Channel 7 takeover paved the way for John "Myra" Dennis' departure from television (-5).

BOB LOBEL -- 20 points.
Probably lost his fastball about ten years ago (+20)... his much-reported "resignation" from WBZ-radio last week was a thinly-concealed scam to resign before he and Upton Bell got canned (+20)... responsible for keeping Bell's career alive (+50)... responsible for creating Jersey Red's career (+50)...

Has seen Susan Wornick naked... yuk (+30)... rumored to have seen Liz Walker naked... double-yuk (+30).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- I know you won't believe this, but I'm actually a huge Bob Lobel fan, so that counts for something (-50)... I love when he does his "Where can we get guys like that?" thing when someone like Jeff Bagwell or Joe Juneau does something good in a game highlight (-20)... the bemused look on his face as he emcees those maniacal "Sports Final" media debates are priceless (-10)...

Was anything better than Lobel's semi-drunken reports from New Orleans during the '96 Super Bowl? (-25)... I wanna party with Lobie! (-25).

MIKE LYNCH -- 5 pts
Longtime Channel 5 sports anchor who's hosting the "Bob Kraft Presents (But Don't Tell Anyone that Bob Kraft is Presenting This Show)" Patriots show this fall, so that's always a red flag, especially when you consider that John "Myra" Dennis has a commentary gig on the show (+20)... deserves major credit for his high school sports features on Channel 5, but supposedly he's also the first to tell you that he deserves credit for his high school sports features on Channel 5 (+10).

****MITIGATING FACTOR -- Well... he deserves credit for his high school sports features on Channel 5 (minus-25).

HOWARD MANLY -- 0 pts
The Globe's media/TV critic who wrote a column bashing my man Cedric Maxwell and calling him "Purfessor Ebonics," even though Max was the MVP of the 1981 Finals (+20).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Played basketball at Bucknell College and supposedly still has major game (minus-25)... first member of the local media to recognize the power of Big Poppa (-100).

KEVIN MANNIX AND RON HOBSON -- 1 pt.
Mannix tried to take an anti-Parcells stance while the Tuna was in New England that cost him credibility (+25)... both are Eddie Andelman cronies (+6)... Mannix takes about 15 months of vacation time every year (+10).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Both are always likable on the radio (-10)... Mannix's Tuesday "report card" following Patriots games is always a must-read (-10)... poor Hobson, one of the nicest guys in the business, has been caught in the middle of the Mannix-Will McDonough feud for the past 25 years (-10).

SEAN MCDONOUGH -- 15 pts
Takes the "shooting-from-the-hip" thing a bit far during his Red Sox telecasts, to the point he's threatening to become another Bob "I'm bigger than this game" Costas (+50)... broacast the U.S. Women's Hockey team's gold medal run in the '98 Olympics for CBS and called it "the highlight" of his broadcasting career, maybe the most startling statement in the history of televsied sports (+50).

****MITIGATING FACTORSHe's refreshingly candid during Red Sox telecasts (-25)... started feud with media icon Steve Buckley and bashed him on WEEI (-25)... expelled all rumors that "Daddy got him his Red Sox gig" by becoming one of the best young announcers in the country (-25)... doesn't appear to buy into the whole "buddy-buddy" scene in the Boston media (-10).

WILL MCDONOUGH -- 50 points
It's been sad to watch him become an "anti-player" corporate mouthpiece for the Celtics and Red Sox (+75)... his role in the Bill Parcells/Bob Kraft feud defined the term "conflict-of-interest," at least until John "Myra" Dennis started working at WEEI (+75)... makes no attempt to get to know any modern athletes (+25)... pathetically took the Patriots' side during the whole Lisa Olson saga in the early-90's (+50)... I can't believe he hasn't taken the time to sit down and write THE comprehensive Patriots book (+25).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Grizzled Bostonian's Saturday column is always a must-read -- nobody has more inside sources (minus-50)... repeatedly bashes Roger Clemens (-50)... on record as calling Steve Buckley and Fred Smerlas and Glen Ordway "frauds" (-50)... once punched out Patriots cornerback Raymond Clayborn during a locker room argument in 1979 (-50).

CRAIG MUSTARD & LARRY JOHNSON -- 50 pts
I can't even muster the energy to write a paragraph about these guys...

STEVE DEOSSIE -- 5 pts
Comically stiff on television, almost like a human "Saturday Night Live" skit (+25).

****MITIGATING FACTOR -- Comically stiff on television, almost like a human "Saturday Night Live" skit (minus-20).

GLEN ORDWAY -- 100 pts
Laughs at Glen Ordway's jokes (+25)... after weaseling into the program director spot at WEEI four years ago, Ordway moved himself into Eddie Andelman's drive-time slot and gave himself a six-figure salary (+25)... the ringleader of the loathsome, unlistenable, back-scratching, buddy-buddy "Big Show" (+75)...

Responsible for the rise of Fred Smerlas (+25)... carries a hard-earned reputation of being the biggest liar and backstabber in the Boston sports scene (+25)... repeatedly interrupts Flash Boy's funny reports during the "Big Show" (+25)...

Back-stabbed Johnny Most and weaseled his way into Johnny's play-by-play Celtics gig, despite the fact Johnny was practically on his deathbed (for further evidence, read Jack McCallum's book "Unfinished Business" from 1992 and look for Ordway's greasy fingerprints on every unflattering Most story) (+50)...

Blamed low winter ratings on the Monica Lewinsky crisis (+10)... went nuts when reports of "misconduct" in his private life were reported in the Herald two years ago, but had no problem making jokes about Wil Cordero, Marv Albert, Christian Peter, Drew Bledsoe, or any other athlete/media person involved in an unflattering "incident" (+25 for being a hypocrite)...

Bonus points: Apparently spreading rumors to his colleagues that the Sports Guy has an ax to grind with WEEI because he wouldn't hire me to be on the "Big Show" or WEEI in general, despite the fact that I have never talked to Ordway or any of WEEI higher-ups at ANY POINT IN MY LIFE about EVER appearing on the station, which makes him, um... what's the word I'm looking for here... um... oh wait, I have it... a LIAR! (+100).

--NOTE TO ORDWAY: I simply don't enjoy listening to your show. That's all. That's my only ax to grind. DO NOT mess with Big Poppa again...

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- Fired Mike Andelman (minus-75)... blamed by Eddie Andelman for ruining Mike's career (-20)... knows his basketball (-20)... feuded with Don Zimmer in the late-70's (-25)... as long as Smerlas isn't prodding him on, he's actually the best interviewer of anyone in the Boston sports scene (-25)... was in the broadcast booth the night Johnny Most set himself on fire while lighting a cigarette (-10).

****NOTE TO READER: Ordway's score is actually 210, but since we said all scores could only be between 0-and-100, we'll round his score off at 100.

BOB RYAN -- 40 pts
Should have been the Peter Gammons of basketball -- i.e. the best hoops journalist in the country -- instead of "a good local columnist" (+20)... friends with Mike Lupica (+50)... grew up in New York (+25)... committed character assassination on Antoine Walker last week (+25)... sometimes flies off the handle during radio/TV shows and has spaz attacks, like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" when the fire alarm was going off in Tom Cruise's apartment (+25)...

Wrote Larry Bird's autobiography in 1990 while working as a columnist, a memorable conflict-of-interest that even made John "Myra" Dennis blush (+50)... getting a bit old for his audience, as evidenced by his column about 1950's baseball player Rudy York last month (+25).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- One of the few people who knows more about basketball than me (minus-50)... even Larry Bird respects him (-25)... absolutely skewered frumpy Herald TV critic Monica Collins on a memorable "Sports Final" a few years back (-20)... the one local print sports columnist who unabashedly loves sports and makes you feel like he cares (-75)... out of every media person in Boston, Ryan's probably the one guy who EVERYONE likes (-10).

(On a personal note, Ryan was my favorite person in the local media until he bashed Antoine last week... now he's on probation with me).

TED SARANDIS -- 95 pts
The mere sound of his voice inspires some people to kill (+95).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- None.

DAN SHAUGHNESSY -- 25 points
Occasionally laughs at Glen Ordway's jokes (+10)... secretly enjoys when the Red Sox don't do well because it helps out "Curse of the Bambino" sales (+100)... his pious articles about Wil Cordero last year made everyone want to puke (+20)... everyone knows that he doesn't look like the cartoon above his Globe column (+5)... one of ten people left on the planet who doesn't think Boston needs new baseball stadium (+10)...

Doesn't seem to like sports at all, not even a little bit (+25)... as the main Globe columnist, his work doesn't even begin to compare with Leigh Montville and Ray Fitzgerald in the 70's and early-80's (+50)...

By the way, I'm not saying he'll do anything for cash, but I think I saw him on "The 20,000 Pyramid" with Nipsy Russell and the Mom from "Growing Pains" last week (+25).

****Does tireless charity work (minus-40)... doesn't seem to take himself too seriously, ALA Gammons and Ordway (-20)... bashes Bob Kraft regularly and often (-20)... owns a crappy car, much like Sports Guy (-5)... refuses to play favorites, to the point that he almost got his ass kicked by Mo Vaughn last week (-25)... attended the College of the Holy Cross (-100).

FRED SMERLAS -- 80 pts
Laughs at Glen Ordway's jokes (+25)... will talk about the Patriots on the roof of a grocery store if you slipped him enough cash (+25)... involved in some incredible conflicts-of-interest, whether we're talking "scalping Pats tickets" or "having business deals with Patriot players" (+50)... the "back hair/donut" jokes are just old and tired (+25)... just too omnipresent during the Pats season, almost like when you're drinking at a bar and the guy next to you won't shut up (+25).

****MITIGATING FACTORS -- He might be a shameless self-promoter, but at least he knows his football (minus-25)... friends with The Hog, John Hannah (-25)... every once in awhile, he says something that's funny (-10)... the only guy on this list who could and would kick Big Poppa's ass (-10).

(BOB NEUMEIER, BUTCH STEARNS, JIMMY YOUNG, JACKIE MACMULLAN, TONY MASSAROTTI, MIKE HOLLEY AND DOUG BROWN all received INCOMPLETES)

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

The winner... with 100 points...

The Big O, Glen Ordway! SORRRRRRRReeeee, Big O!

Here's how the rest of top five went: 2) John Dennis; 3) Ted Sarandis; 4) Upton Bell; 5) Steve Buckley.

Until next year...

(I'll have to revise the system so Buckley can be higher)

Slinks

FIFTY RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM '98
(Give or take a few...)

....It's too bad I can't hit curveballs because I would have been a great "clubhouse guy."

....How come when people discuss Lawrence Taylor's great career, nobody ever mentions his upset win over Bam Bam Bigelow in WrestleMania XIII?

....If you created a Stalking Psycho Slut Hall of Fame and modeled it after the Baseball Hall of Fame, Monica Lewinsky would be kinda like Babe Ruth.

....I'm just not sure Magic's gonna be around much longer... his show, I mean.

....With all the annoying nicknames Chris Berman comes up with, I'm surprised he never used Bartolo "Cancer of the" Colon.

....Let's just say that the whole Phil Hartman thing is reason #4527 why I'm terrified to get married. The Hartmans made the Corderos look like Mr. and Mrs. Keaton from "Family Ties."

....How come they never know how old Cuban baseball players are? It's tougher to determine a Cuban's age than it is to find new planetary systems.

....Jim Nantz looks like the kind of guy who would have hit on your girlfriend in college if he knew you were away for the weekend.

....Who the hell was Mel Kiper Sr.?

....If I'm on the Patriots and I need to go to the bathroom, but the bathroom door is locked, so I'm waiting... and then I hear the toilet flush and Zefross Moss comes out holding a newspaper with a big smile on his face... well, I'm probably looking for another bathroom to use.

....You know it's early in the baseball season when Quinten McCracken and Hal Morris are leading the N.L. and A.L. in hitting.

....I was so drunk last Friday night that apparently I ordered Jerry Springer's "Too Hot For TV" video, which is unequivocally a new standard for drunkenness in this country.

....I didn't read nearly enough dirt about what happened in Las Vegas when 200-plus NBA players were there for an entire weekend. Let's put it this way: The term "working against the double-team" might have been taken to another level, if you get my drift.

....Just what the hell are Starburst chews made out of, exactly?

....How come you can spend a weekend with your girlfriend, and then right at the end of it she becomes really mean and surly... and then she'll call later that night and apologize for sabotaging the last few minutes that you spent with her?

....Tara Lipinski is creepy-looking in a Jon-Benet Ramsey type of way.

....Do you get the feeling that some women use the old "Don't worry about it, I'm on the pill" line with professional athletes and... well... it's kinda not true?

....My favorite character in "Boogie Nights" was The Colonel. I wish I knew someone with a nickname like The Colonel.

....How come you can buy 3,000 Powerball tickets but you can't legally gamble on professional sports?

....Valentine's Day is no big deal... unless you don't have a Valentine and you feel like the biggest loser on the earth. I think all the people who were dating one year decided to create Valentine's Day just to humiliate everyone else.

....If NESN switched Dave Shea and Bob Kurtz one night, would that be the equivalent of the sound a tree makes falling in the forest?

....I guess I didn't buy the newspaper that day when Patrick Ewing graduated from Georgetown in 1985 and announced that he had decided NOT to pursue his Rhodes Scholarship.

....Can you believe there's a porno movie out called "Shaving Ryan's Privates"? That's the best porno title since "Pump Friction" and "Foreskin Gump" came out weeks apart in 1994.

....How come people like David Wells and Tom Browning and Len Barker always seem to be the guys who pitch perfect games?

....I want to dress up as Santa Claus, crash the New England Cable News X-mas party, and bounce Kristen Mastroianni on my lap a few times.

....The world is separated into two types of people: 1) People who think Stanley Roper, Hank Kingsley and Stephen Keaton were comedic geniuses; 2) The confused masses.

....Every time I hear Sammy Sosa's name I think of Lopez' line in the Al Pacino classic "Scarface": "You want me to believe that Omar was a stoolie because Sosa said so?"

....Man, I can't get over the fact that some of my friends from college have legally reproduced.

....You know, it's not really a bachelor party unless you get more than one stripper.

....When Utah coach Jerry Sloan lies on his deathbed, I think he'll pull a Darth Vader and reveal to Jeff Hornacek & John Stockton: "I'm your father."

....I'm not saying Norv Turner's losing his grip on the Redskins, but the last person to lose control behind the wheel this fast was Princess Di's chaffeur.

....Question: At the end of "Top Gun," who exactly was the U.S. fighting against, and where?

....Every time I've ever watched the Super Bowl at a party, there's always that one guy there who repeatedly has to tell you how much every commercial spot cost every time they show a commercial.

....I haven't told anyone this yet, but during my drug-induced flu haze on Sunday morning, I feel asleep during ESPN's "Sports Reporters" and had a nightmare that Mitch Albom's ears were attacking me.

....In case you're scoring at home, Steve Buckley has a column in the Herald, a regular gig on WEEI and a daily sports show on New England Cable News. I guess my question is this: Isn't that a little too much Steve Buckley?

....I know he's only a rookie, but fullback Chris Floyd couldn't execute a block on the "Hollywood Squares," much less in a Patriots game.

....Who has a larger head, Ray Bourque or Arvydas Sabonis?

....My favorite line of "Rocky 3" is when Adrian's giving Rocky that pep talk on the beach and Rocky says, "What happened? How did everything that was so good get so bad?"

....Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls takes its place alongside Shelley Long leaving "Cheers," Flo leaving "Alice," Radar leaving "MASH," and OJ Simpson killing his wife as one of the most ill-advised career moves ever.

....I'll be honest: Chris Evert still makes me feel tingly inside, even after all these years.

....I like to drink "jack-and-cokes" with Diet Coke instead of regular Coke, but I always feel funny saying "Can I have a jack-and-coke with Diet Coke instead of Coke?"... so I just end up ordering a regular old jack-and-coke.

....Monica Seles is the only person I know who's literally been stabbed in the back.

....I don't want to say Seattle's Vin Baker had the deer-in-the-headlights look last week in the playoffs, but he was actually taking it flaccid to the hole.

....You know you're watching a 2:00 AM SportsCenter when Chuck Garfein and Brad Greenberg are involved.

....I was talking baseball with my buddy Gus on the phone today and he said, "It's fun to have a guy names 'Sabes' on your pitching staff, isn't it?"

....Do you think Bills owner Ralph Wilson and Jets owner Leon Hess get together and talk about the good old days... you know, when they were young and rich and slavery was still legal?

....My 1998 Baltimore Ravens Bandwagon fell apart faster than one of those bamboo boats that the Professor used to build in "Gilligan's Island."

....You could hold a 10,000-team fantasy football draft at Foxboro Stadium, make all the owners drive to Foxboro for it, hold the draft, and then drop a bomb on the stadium... and you wouldn't kill half as many roto teams as Jake Plummer and Kordell Stewart have killed across America this season.

....The blonde-haired guy who played the condescending bully in "Karate Kid," "Back to School," and "Just One of the Guys" is one of my favorite Those Guys.

....When it comes right down to it, the fact that Mr. Brady was gay in real life is one of the weirdest facts of all-time.

....I'm currently filming a sequel to the Mel Gibson movie "Ransom," where I play a wealthy fantasy football owner whose star wide receiver (played by Isaac Bruce) mysteriously disappears from the lineup with a 16-week hamstring injury...

(After I finish this column, I'm calling Isaac's kidnappers and screaming, "GIMME BACK MY RECEIVER!")

....How come they always make the fortunes in fortune cookies so upbeat? Wouldn't it be a lot more exciting to open up a fortune cookie if you knew there was a chance that your fortune would say, "You will get syphillus at your friend's bachelor party next month. Or "Your grandfather is on his last legs. He'll be dead by the end of the month."

....After drinking a Dunkin Donuts "Big One" with cream and four sugars, I ran a 4.14 forty-yard dash at the NFL scouting combines last week.

....Dennis Eckersley has reached the point in life where you don't even want him operating the TV remote control in the clubhouse, much less pitching with men on base.

....Chris Canty is like Steve Sanders from "90210" -- he's fun to have around, but you don't actually want him involved in any key plots.

....Some day, NFL historians will look back at some of the "Up-and-Coming Young QB's" of the mid-90's -- guys like Dilfer, Shuler, Collins, Mirer, Brown, Frerotte, Hoying, Mitchell, Frieze, Blake, Banks -- and think to themselves, "Was there an ebola virus in the NFL that decade?"

....The only way NBC could DE-sex Hannah Storm any more is if they had her spayed. She makes Pat Summitt look like Jenna Jameson these days.

....When I was in elementary school, we had the kid who threw chairs, the girl who stuttered, and the kid who went to the bathroom on himself... but we never had the kid who came in one day and started shooting everyone.

Slinks

WHEN BAD ANNOUNCERS TRANSCEND THE GAME
Volume Four: "How the CBS announcers ruined the 1999 PGA Tournament" (8/15)

My favorite moment of yesterday's PGA championship occured after Sergio Garcia drained a 15-foot birdie on the par-three #13 -- a twisting, downhill putt that no 19-year old should make under the circumstances -- to crawl within three strokes of the leader and resident superhero, Tiger Woods.

Since Tiger was watching the putt from the 13th tee, young Sergio pumped his fist and walked towards the icon, holding his fist in the air and staring him down. It was a great sports moment, golf's equivalent of Stone Cold Steve Austin standing on the top rope and giving the middle finger to Vince McMahon. Stuff like that never happens in golf... which is precisely what made it so much fun.

Of course, my least favorite moment of yesterday's PGA Championship occured after the upstart teenager's extended fist-pump, as the CBS announcers had a collective orgasm.

Jim "I'm so excited that I just uncrossed my legs" Nantz screamed out something like "I think that was an extra message for Tiger!" His cronies in the booth reiterated his feelings. CBS showed us a replay. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Yup, El Nino was waiving his fist at Tiger, all right! In the broadcast booth, the CBS guys were practically pulling their pants down and rushing the 13th green, they were so fired up. Nantz desperately tried to seize the moment, telling us that, years from now, we may look back at that "fist" as the first crucial moment in the Garcia-Woods rivalry.

"If Tiger and Sergio are to be the next great rivalry in golf," Jim yelped, "then we can look back to the 13th hole at Medinah to where it began."

"Excellent point, Jim," Ken Venturi agreed.

"Man, what a moment!" another of Jim's cronies gushed.

As for me, I wasn't enjoying the moment so much anymore. The CBS guys ruined it for me. No big surprise there; those guys ruin everything, and it's not just because CBS insists on playing elevator music in the background of every major. It's gotten to the point where you can't watch golf anymore without wanting to press the mute button, which puts the sport in line with just about everything else these days.

So here's my running question, which I've been asking for over two years on this site: Why is it so damned difficult to broadcast a sporting event? Really, is it that hard? There wasn't anybody watching the PGA Tournament yesterday for Peter Oosterhuis, Peter Kostis, David Feherty, Ken Venturi or Jim Nantz -- we were watching because we wanted to see if Tiger could hold off this Sergio guy. That's it. And yet everyone on CBS thinks we're watching the tournament just to hear them babble and repeat themselves and reiterate themselves and expound on the same points and say the same things and blurt out the same, worn-out cliches over and over again.

Without further ado, here's some advice for the CBS guys, who seem bound and determined to ruin every golf tournament I ever plan on watching for the rest of my life.

First off, if anyone from CBS is reading this, pull out a pen and write these tips down:

--1. When somebody hits a drive, just tell me where it's landing.
--2. When somebody hits an approach, tell me where it's headed while it's still in the air -- the green, the hole, a spectator's face, wherever.
--3. If a shot is going left or right, tell me "left" or "right" while it's in the air.
--4. Tell me how far somebody has to get to the hole and if he has a clear shot.
--5. Tell me what club they're using.
--6. Tell me if the ball is resting in a good lie.
--7. Tell me if the greens have been fast or slow.
--8. If you disagree with a choice a golfer just made, tell me why as succintly as possiible, do not repeat what you just said, then shut up.
--9. When I'm looking at a chip shot, tell me if it's possible for the ball to get close to the hole.
--10. When a ball rests in a certain position on the green, tell me if people have been making putts from that spot earlier in the day.

That's it.

If you're saying anything not related to any of those ten things, shut up. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Shut up. Shut the hell up. Shut up. For the love of God, shut up. Just shut up. Please please PLEASE shut up.

So how would they know if they're not sticking to one of those ten things? Well, that's why I'm here.

Some pointers for CBS to improve their golf telecasts and make them somewhat palatable:

POINTER #1: Be honest.
Don't sugarcoat your comments. When somebody is stinking out the joint, we can tell simply because no athlete seems more "naked" than a golfer having a bad day. For instance, some out-of-nowhere guy named Mike Weir was playing with Tiger yesterday and submitting a performance worthy of Carl the Gardner from "Caddyshack." It was a familiar story -- a Roy McAvoy-type putting together three great rounds before self-destructing in the fourth round under the TV lights. It happens every golf tournament. There's always a Mike Weir involved. Always.

So Weir's putting in on the 18th for an 80 -- repeat, 80 -- and one of Nantz's minions tells us, "He'll be back. He'll be back. He got some good experience today."

Good experience? Good experience? The guy just shot an 80 in the final group in the final round of a major! He could crash his car on the way home and have a better experience than that.

(I mean, does this stuff drive anyone else crazy or is just me?)

POINTER #2: Don't try to be funny
As WEEI's "Big Show" proves each and every day, there's nothing worse than a group of people trying to be funny who aren't funny. Golf announcers are especially tough to take because they aren't clever enough to come up with their own material, so they latch onto something entertaining and try to feed off the humor of the moment.

For example, yesterday's announcers were giddy every time Sergio did one of his little hops or made one of his goofy faces. Too bad Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf wasn't playing, because they would have LOVED him. Anyway, see if some of these sentences sound familiar:

"Oh, look at him! Is he having fun out there or what? This kid's something special! I love this kid! Does the gallery love this guy or what? Is this kid fun to watch or what? I'll tell you, this kid is something special! Is this a coming-out party or what? Is this kid 19 or 39? The gallery is eating this kid up! Does this kid have a personality or what? Can you have more fun than this guy? Is this kid delightful or what?" And so on.

Say it once and it's fine. Say it 100 times and I'm getting angry. Say it 10,000 times over the course of four hours and suddenly I'm rooting for a tree to fall on young Sergio.

POINTER #3: Stop using the same damned cliches every tournament
If I hear the phrase "You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fairway" one more time, I'm having an aneuryism.

Repeat: If somebody says the phrase "You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fairway" one more time on national TV during a professional golf tournament, a blood clot will form in my brain, clog an artery, and cause me to have a seizure. I'm not kidding. I can already feel a warm spot above my temple that wasn't there at 2:00 yesterday afternoon.

POINTER #4: Don't try to make every golf tournament "special"
Why? Because when you try to make every golf tournament seem special, it's more difficult to realize when you're actually watching something special -- like a 19-year-old muchacho from Spain trying to kick Tiger Woods' behind in a freaking major. Remember how the electric Jose Maria OlaTHHHHHHHHHHabal was putting the finishing touches on the '99 Masters and Jim Nantz told us, "Here's the walk up the 18th fairway... and let's listen to this ovation!"?

(Polite clapping)

Sound familiar? Of course it does. Nantz said the same thing twice today -- once for Sergio and once for Tiger -- and he says the same thing at least once a tournament. OJ Simpson could be walking up the 18th with people firing gunshots at him and Jim Nantz would gush, "And let's listen to this ovation."

POINTER #5: Remember, this is GOLF we're dealing with here
CBS' announcers compensate for the fact that golf isn't spontaneous/dangerous by going bonkers whenever a golfer does anything out of the ordinary. For instance, young Sergio had a horrific lie for his second shot on 16 -- the ball was practically hugging a tree stump and begging for the proverbial "foot wedge." Since Sergio was, you know, TRYING TO WIN HIS FIRST MAJOR, he decided to try and hit the shot with a slice... nearly an impossible shot, but not that dangerous unless he missed the ball completely and smacked his club into a tree.

Of course, the CBS announcers made it sound like Sergio was trying hit the ball next to one of the trees from the Blair Witch woods. "Somebody call an osteopath," Peter Kostis said. "This is the kind of shot that can end somebody's career... he could break both of his wrists and ruin his career if he tries this... OH MY GOD HE HAS HIS FOUR-IRON OUT!... I'm closing my eyes... I don't even want to watch this... I've never been so scared in my whole life... HE DID IT! HE DID IT! AND IT'S ON THE GREEN!!!!!!!"

Great shot? Absolutely. One of the best ever.

But we all knew Sergio wasn't getting hurt.

A drunken hacker playing at a public country club might get hurt, yes... but not a professional, and especially not a skilled professional. It's not happening. You know it and I know it.

Now if Sergio went back after that shot and saw a pile of sticks and slime all over his golf bag... well, I would have been impressed.

POINTER #6: Cool it with the "history" angle
We know it's a major. We know the PGA Championship has been played for 100 billion years. We know there's some history here. But can we concentrate on this year's tournament? Good God, enough is enough! If Tiger Woods snuck into the woods to take a leak after the ninth hole, Nantz would have gushed, "And nature is calling for Tiger Woods, bringing back memories of Gene Sarazen's bowel movement in the woods during the 1917 tournament that set off a near-stampede in the gallery."

POINTER #7: It's impossible to create a rivalry
Rivalries just kinda happen. McEnroe and Borg. McGwire and Sosa. Chris and Martina. Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier. Dylan and Brandon. They all just kinda happened.

You can put two talented athletes in position to have a great rivalry, but they need to possess the requisite amount of charisma -- both of them -- which is why all the media-created rivalries of the past decade bombed so miserably: MJ and the Mailman, Griffey and Bonds, Sampras and Agassi, Steffi and Martina, Tyson and Holyfield, Woods and Duval, etc. And even if you HAVE two charismatic rivals, they still need to raise each other to another level, they need to do it repeatedly, and they each need to display a unique ability to seize the moment. Then, and only then, can you have a great rivalry.

So for Jim Nantz to tell me that yesterday's Garcia-Woods battle was the beginning of golf's next great rivalry... well, I found it a little insulting, to say the least. Let's let young Sergio finish puberty first.

POINTER #8: Silence is golden
Here's my suggestion for CBS: One time -- just one time-- you should televise a golf tournament and order your announcers not to speak unless it's absolutely relevant. Stick to my aforementioned Ten Tips and see what happens. I'm begging you. Don't listen to Rudy Martzke -- he's on your payroll. Listen to me.

POINTER #9: And if you won't give us #8...
At least bring back Ben Wright, the drunken, departed analyst who said things like "Women golfers can't swing a golf club as well as men because their breasts get in the way." I mean, this was a guy who definitely would have picked out Tiger's girlfriend from the gallery yesterday and said, "Look at the guns on that blonde!"

I'd dump Nantz and his cronies, put Wright in the booth with Pat Summerall, and keep the whiskey on ice... but that's just me.

POINTER #10: Electroshock treatment
If all else fails, there's no reason why CBS can't hook up electrodes to everyone on their announcing team. It's barabaric, it's senseless... but it might be our only recourse.

"You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fair-- AHHH!!!!"

"Is he having fun out there or wha- AAAHHH!"

"He'll be back. He may have shot an 80, but he'll be ba-AAAAHHHH!"

"Somebody forgot to tell Sergio that the tournament was ov-AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"Here's the walk up the 18th fairway... and let's listen to this ova-AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY INSIDES ARE BURNING UP! AAAAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Slinks

Why I'm really starting to hate baseball, part 22

PRELIMINARY NOTE TO READER: This is an ongoing series that started in September 1994, when the baseball owners and players canceled the World Series and violated me like Tim Robbins in the first 40 minutes of the "Shawshank Redemption." I will never get over that as long as I live. I'm serious. The '94 baseball strike was the most unbelievable sports thing that ever happened. I will NEVER forgive them and I will NEVER forget what happened. You shouldn't either.

As far as I'm concerned, baseball could bankrupt itself tomorrow and I wouldn't care. Okay... maybe I would. That's a lie. Still, you get my point.

I'm also bitter because I'm 28 years old and I haven't seen the Red Sox win a World Series yet (and we all know I won't because the Red Sox will never win the World Series as long as any of us are alive) and yet the freaking FLORIDA MARLINS -- who just joined the National League last June -- have already won the $#%@$@ trophy!!! I can't believe this. I hate sports sometimes.

Anyway, just let me vent and I'll apologize tomorrow...

***** ***** ***** ***** *****
WHY I'M REALLY STARTING TO DESPISE BASEBALL
REASON #22:
The Cleveland/Florida World Series (10/27/98)

Oh yeah. Tell me how great this World Series was. Maybe if you keep saying it, I would believe you... except for the fact that this thing had all the emotion and history of a Hanson concert.

I don't know what bothered me most. I'm too angry to write an actual column. I'm just gonna vent. Stay out of my way. I'm a wrecking ball right now. I'm Earl Campbell, circa 1978. I'm Pete Rose in the 1970 All-Star Game. I'm the Oakland Raiders secondary circa 1976. I'm George Foreman against Joe Frazier. I'm serious. Don't get in my way or you might get hurt...

**THE FLORIDA MARLINS**

Chicago Cubs fans haven't won a World Series since 1908; they haven't even been in a World Series since Roosevelt was president. Yet here come the expansion Blockbuster Video Marlins -- who 1) lost about $370 million this year, 2) are already threatening to move, and 3) gave Garry Sheffield a $60 million, six-year contract extension (the baseball equivalent of Sharon Stone loaning a drugged-out James Woods another $25,000 in Casino so he can "straighten out his life") -- and they win the whole shebang within five seasons.

In a related story, I returned "Dante's Peak" two days late to the Charlestown Blockbuster and owed an astonishing $37.52 due to increased late charges.

Excuse me...

I just threw up on my laptop.

**BOB COSTAS**
I'm actually starting to root for professional baseball to bankrupt itself because of him. It's hard to believe I'm saying this -- especially in a television world that's given us Jerry Glanville, Beasley Reece, Paul Maguire, and Bob Uecker -- but I think Bob Costas might be the most annoying broadcaster in sports history. He fancies himself as a defender of the great national pastime because he carried a Mickey Mantle card in his wallet as a kid. Big deal.

Here's Bob after Game Seven of the Series last night (a good game, by the way) giving his minute-long sermon about how "Anyone who thinks that baseball isn't the best game in sports is sadly mistaken" and "Nothing in sports packs more tension than a good baseball game" and blah blah blah. The speech was immediately recorded and mailed to the Emmy Awards Committee, as well as to Dan Shaughnessy, George Plimpton, Ken Burns, and Peter Gammons.

Bob's right. Baseball is still the best game in sports. Good point, Bob.

That's why they canceled the World Series three years ago. That's why only a handful of people under the age of 20 watch baseball; that's why kids don't play it anymore; and that's why the Game 2 of the World Series barely outdrew "The Wayans Brothers" and "Homeboys in Outer Space" on the WB Network Tuesday night.

That's why NBC executive Don Ohlmeyer openly rooted for a World Series sweep last week so his network didn't lose a kajillion dollars in advertising revenue. NBC would have had higher ratings if it had shown outtakes from "ER" and backstage footage from a "Friends" taping.

**EVERY AMERICAN CHILD UNDER AGE TEN**
You know, the same group that was asleep by the fifth inning last night unless they lived on the West Coast... which means they weren't watching baseball anyway.

It's not their fault. Do you realize that more young people probably watched the "Rock-and-Jock" basketball game on MTV this weekend than Game 7 of the World Series? I'm not making this up. Have fun in two decades, baseball... when all these kids you're ignoring now are in their 20's and 30's... and they all have money to spend...

**THE "DEFENDERS" OF THE NATIONAL PASTTIME**
Is there anything more annoying than sportswriters and sportscasters in their 30's and 40's telling us how we're "missing out" if we decided not to watch a playoff baseball game? It's almost condescending... as if we're beneath them because we had the UNMITIGATED GALL to ignore a baseball game.

We don't know what we're missing, they always tell us. If you missed that game last night, you really missed out.

You know what? Drop dead. Go to hell. Part of the reason baseball is struggling so much is because these holier-than-thou media losers keep telling us that we SHOULD BE watching baseball. It's like when you were a kid and your parents told you to eat broccoli. After a while you started to dislike broccoli... by the time you became an adult, you had an inexplicable hatred for it.

(For those of you keeping score at home, here's the list of annoying baseball defenders: Costas, Peter Gammons, Dan Shaughnessy, Tom Boswell, Bob Ryan, Keith Olbermann, Steve Buckley, Mike Lupica, and everyone in the sports media over the age of 50. All of them need to throw some water on themselves and throw out their autographed copy of Ken Burns' baseball special).

**BASEBALL ON NBC**
Can you just show us the game? Is that too much to ask? Do you have to explain every detail of every single thing that's happening, from a hit-and-run to Jim Leyland's wife cheering to Matt Williams picking his nose and eating it?

Can I just feel the tension on my own... without you giving me a dugout close-up of Jim Thome's white knuckles as he clasps his hands together and eventually decides to just scratch his genitals? Can I see for myself that Livan Hernandez threw a slider into the dirt for ball one instead of seeing some nightmarish $25 million three-dimensional pitch- tracker that simply ends up confusing me and making me feel stupid?

Can you show me one game without giving me FIFTEEN human interest subplots? By Game Three of the Series, I had listened to the story about how Florida's Livan Hernandez had left his family behind in Cuba so many times that I was gonna fly down there and drag them into the States myself, just so I never had to hear the story again.

Hey NBC... Do you need TWO field reporters at a baseball game to give us breaking news? Game Seven opened as NBC's Jim Gray breathlessly told us how Garry Sheffield gave an emotional pre-game speech asking the Marlins to win the game for manager Jim Leyland. Garry Sheffield... the same guy who signed a $60 million contract in April and proceeded to dog the regular season so badly that Jim Leyland accidentally asked him to "roll over" and "heel" during a doubleheader in June.

I'm sure Sheffield's speech was unbelievably emotional. I'll bet Billy Dee Williams telling his Bears teammates that Brian Piccolo had cancer in "Brian's Song" had nothing over Garry Sheffield last night. I bet it was like Gene Hackman talking to his team in "Hoosiers" before the state finals.

I mean... Jim Gray's seen some emotional speeches, and this one was right up there. Sheffield spoke so passionately that Gray reported two of Sheffield's gold teeth fell out.

**BOB UECKER**
Whoops, I forgot.

I mean... Bob Uecker? Are you kidding me?

Having Bob Uecker on a World Series broadcast is like getting married and having that drunken uncle from a wedding reception inexplicably join you on the honeymoon.

Bob Uecker only belonged on the 1997 World Series broadcast if they showed the following graphic every time he spoke:

"BOB UECKER IS SPEAKING RIGHT NOW. WE'RE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. PLEASE STAY TUNED UNTIL WE CORRECT THE PROBLEM."

**CAREFULLY-PLANNED "CELEBRATIONS"**
What used to be a spontaneous expression of championship joy is now choreographed like a Bob Fosse movie.

Here's Hannah Storm in the middle of the post-championship "bliss" -- her hair perfectly styled, her makeup impeccably done, her beautifully-painted nails gripping the microphone -- as she grabs as many people as possible for meaningless quotes (my favorite was when she asked Wayne Huzienga if he'd be selling the Marlins right after poor Wayne was handed the World Series trophy). I wish they allowed champagne on the field so somebody could have poured some on old Hannah and ruined her hair.

(And by the way... what's the deal with Hannah's hair? NBC completely de-sexed poor Hannah -- a two-time All-Star of the "Girls That Make Bill Simmons Drool" team in 1990 and 1991. At this point, Janet Reno has a sexier haircut than Hannah Storm. Hannah, honey, throw some gel in your hair, unbutton the top button of that Armani suit, and be yourself! We all remember when you were so cute and perky on CNN. Nobody's buying this Barbara Walters crap).

Whoops, where was I? Oh yeah... Carefully planned celebrations...

Hey... let's interview EVERYONE on the field, including Colombian shortstop Edgar Renteria, who can't speak english!

HANNAH: Edgar, tell us about that game-winning hit...
EDGAR: Dgfsgsfsf bxfsdsdw kfdqdksksks qtetsvsgsgsgsh.
HANNAH: Congratulations, Edgar.
EDGAR: Sgdgdhshf.

Thanks Hannah! Let's go to the ever-somber Keith Olbermann in the clubhouse with losing manager Mike Hargrove, as Keith's rubbing his back and giving him baby kisses...

**BROADCASTERS EXPLAINING STRATEGY**
Shut up! I'm serious! Shut up!

Shut the hell up! Just leave us alone! Let us watch! For God's sake, JUST LET US WATCH THE GAME!!!!!!

If there's two outs, a full count, and a runner on first... even my mother, my stepmother and the guy from "Sling Blade" know that the runner from first is going on the pitch. You don't have to tell us. Only real fans watch baseball anymore. Casual fans don't care and all kids are asleep. So shut up.

**THE GOAT HORNS**
NBC's always so busy trying to turn somebody into The Big Goat that they'll even pick on innocent victims and turn them into Bill Buckner's second coming.

They do this because it enables them to contrast celebratory shots of the winning team with shots of the really-depressed team (or even better, isolated shots of the guy who messed up doing everything but "Baaa-ing" like a goat). It also enables Bob Costas to impress his buddies by bringing up names like Fred Snodgrass and Ralph Terry.

For instance, as you probably remember, last night Cleveland's Tony Fernandez misplayed a ground ball with one out in the eleventh and Bobby Bonilla on first. It was an extremely tough play -- the ball was hit to his left and Bonilla screened him up until the ball hit the infield dirt... when the ball passed Bonilla, it suddenly scooted under Fernandez's glove and into right field. Best case scenario? Fernandez scoops up the ball and throws to second for the force. Cleveland's still not out of the inning.

Well...

NBC should have just shone a huge pink spotlight on Fernandez for the rest of the game. It didn't matter that he threw someone out AT HOME on the next at-bat, or that Florida won because Edgar Renteria knocked in the game-winning run with a single, or that Cleveland reliever Jose Mesa blew the game by allowing the tying run in the bottom of the ninth inning. Nope. NBC and Costas needed a goat, and it was gonna be Fernandez.

Costas gleefully heaped blame on the Indians second basemen for the rest of the telecast, to the point that analyst Joe Morgan -- who has actually played baseball professionally, unlike Costas -- interjected and actually disagreed with The Man that the loss wasn't just Fernandez's fault.

Note to reader: Playing the role of "Guy You Won't Be Seeing On NBC Baseball Next Year"... Mr. Joe Morgan! Costas and NBC will give him the "Fredo, why don't you take the boat out and do some fishing?" treatment over the winter.

Don't ever take sides against the network again, Fredo... I mean, Joe...

**BASEBALL HISTORY**
I have to be honest... Costas was so annoying last night that I almost turned off the television in the ninth inning.

As Florida catcher Charles Johnson stood in the batter's box facing Cleveland's Jose Mesa in the seventh game of the World Series, with one out in the bottom of the ninth inning, a runner on first, one out, and the Marlins down by one -- a moment that surely needs no setup and no dialogue except "Ball one" or "Strike one" -- Costas decides to give us the following:

"And now Charles Johnson faces Jose Mesa, and you have to wonder if they'll become a part of baseball history... Charles Johnson is standing where Lazzeri stood against Alexander, and Mazeroski stood against Terry (hey, are you guys recording this in the booth because I think this is the part we should send to the Emmy committee) and Fisk stood against Darcy, and Eckersley stood against Gibson..."

That's where I started screaming obscenities and my roommate Geoff added, "Charles Johnson stands where the Florida groundskeeper stood just four hours before... Charles Johnson stands where Dan Marino stood last week against the Jets..."

**THE GAME ITSELF**
Baseball just came off a season in which four players signed contracts worth more than $9 million per season. Chicago's Albert Belle earned more than the entire Pittsburgh Pirates roster last season.

Baseball has such a gap between the haves and the have-nots that four of the five teams with the highest payrolls made the Final Four. The New York Yankees' $70 million payroll was a startling $30 million more than the payroll of our beloved Red Sox, and the Yanks didn't even make the Championship Series. Montreal needs to trade their best player this winter -- Pedro Martinez, a 27-year-old righthander who's probably the biggest pitching commodity in the game, considering his age and considerable talent -- because they can't afford to keep Martinez and also field a team with 24 functional, non-handicapped players.

Baseball hasn't had a commissioner in almost six years. Right now the Milwaukee Brewers owner is also running the sport. His name is Bud Selig. I'm not making this up.

Baseball's expanding to 30 teams even though the pitching talent is so depleted that Red Sox reliever Joe "There's a long fly ball to center!" Hudson might actually be selected by the Phoenix Coyotes or Tampa Bay Lightning in the expansion draft next month.

Baseball's World Series TV ratings equal your average "Sunday Night Football" TNT game.

Why? Six reasons:

(1) Kids don't care. Kids like football and basketball. Period. End of story. To make matters worse, most of the sportswriters and sportscasters still talk about people who played forty and fifty years ago. Nobody cares! Once this summer I was driving to Connecticut listening to Red Sox radio announcers Joe Castiglione and Jerry Trupiano talk about the passing of the late, great Gus Bell (some player from the 1930's who is either Buddy Bell or Albert Belle's father)... and they droned on for so long that I started swerving across the Merritt Parkway trying to hit deer.

(2) The vast majority of the baseball superstars are extremely unlikable. Al Belle's public approval rating right now is just above Adolf Hitler's.

(3) There is no leadership whatsoever. The "Store 24" in Charlestown is run more efficiently.

(4) One stupid owner like Jerry Reinsdorf (Chicago) can throw the sport's entire salary structure out of whack to the point that Sammy Sosa (!!!!!!!!!) is worth $40 million over four years.

(5) The player's union basically runs the sport... to the point that if you're a major league player, you can actually miss more games for yelling at an umpire than you can for smoking crack in a hotel room and having police barge in while you're in mid-puff.

(6) The sport would rather expand and take "quick-hit" expansion franchise-fee money than move struggling franchises to the prospective cities. It's so disgusting and so greedy that it makes me want to hit somebody...

Instead of fixing any of these issues, baseball offers us INTERLEAGUE PLAY AND MORE PLAYOFF ROUNDS!!! Ahhh... the quick fix!

It's like trying to stop a gaping head wound with a piece of scotch tape.

As far as I'm concerned, none of those problems disappeared because the Marlins and Indians played eleven great innings last night... no matter what Bob Costas said in his post-game sermon. In fact, the game was great despite all the other crap that goes on every day, from Costas to Reinsdorf to Selig to Belle. I'm just tired of it all. It's boring. It's starting to dull my senses.

Yep. The Florida Marlins are World Series champs. You know, now that I'm done venting, I don't even really care all that much. Hey, maybe next year the Arizona Diamondbacks will win it all.

The Diamondbacks... I think that's their name...

****E-mail me at SPTGUY33@aol.com***

****FINAL FOOTNOTE -- Other volumes of this series include: "I can't believe they canceled the World Series" (Vol. III, VI, and XI); "How the hell could the Red Sox fans cheer Mo Vaughn after he struck out to go 0-for-13 in the Cleveland series???" (Vol. VII); "Albert Belle" (Vol. X and XVIII); and "Mickey Mantle's funeral" (Vol. VIII).

Slinks

READER RANTS
Recent missives sent into Big Poppa's e-mailbox (6/21)

DCirilli@(work).com WRITES:
I must say it was an honor to be included in your 6/11 NBA column with respect to the "Patrick Ewing Theory." I think Plato and Aristotle are probably turning over in their graves right about now!!

Anyway, as the Ewing-less Knicks battle the Spurs this week, I think it's only fair that we take a walk down Memory Lane and remember the greatest examples of the Ewing Theory from the past decade:

How it began: The Ewing Theory is based on observations I used to make following Patrick from his days at Georgetown to his time with the Knicks. During games when Patrick got into foul trouble and went to the bench, the announcers would immediately call it "a devastating blow." However it always seemed that the Hoyas or Knicks would then immediately go on like a 10-0 run and actually play better. This led me to conclude that with Patrick in the game the team was too one-dimensional; if you're going to be a one-dimensional team then you better have Michael Jordan, or better yet, Larry Bird as that one guy on your team.

Eventually, this theory began to drift to other sports... and only then did it show its true powers:

1. 1994 -- The UConn Huskies have one of their most talented teams of all time led by Donyell Marshall, who in his junior year, is by far the greatest hope the Huskies have to take them to the Final Four (not too mention one of the greatest recruits that UConn has ever landed). Having watched him in his previous two years, I knew he did not have what it took to be shouldering that load. After he choked at the free throw line during the sweet sixteen I was told by my UConn-hating peers at Providence College that this would be the end of "Huskymania" as we knew it, but having a firm faith in the Ewing Theory of sports, I confidently predicted and went on record with stating that Uconn would be better without him the following year because they centered too much of the offense around a player who wasn't up to the task.

The following year Uconn was ranked #1 in the country for the first time in school history and ended up losing in the Great Eight. This is really the first battle-proven example of the Ewing Theory getting its first steps off the ground.

2. 1997 -- The Tennessee Volunteers just complete the "Peyton Manning Era." Having four outstanding years, our young hero, never quite accomplished the one thing that the University had pinned their hopes on him to do and that is win the National Championship. A lot for one man to accomplish, I stuck to my guns with the Ewing Theory and applied it to football. I went on record with family and friends stating that Tennessee would win the National Championship now that Manning had left... the rest is history.

3. 1998 -- St. John's is fresh off the "Felipe Lopez Era," in which Felipe was given the one-man task of bringing an entire program back into national prominence. Once again, a lot to ask of one man, especially in a team-dominated sport. As soon as he graduated, I once again was quick to apply the theory in this case and stated that St. John's would now have one of their greatest seasons in recent memory. With that said, the Red Storm were ranked as high as #6 in the country and made it to the Final Four, their best season of the decade.

4. 1997 -- Utah completes the "Keith Van Horn Era." Once again, a very successful era -- as most of the other athletes in these examples often had -- except for the fact that they do not accomplish that one thing that they are expected to do (win a national title or go to the Final Four). Keith graduates and that following year Utah finds itself in the National Championship game. The Ewing Theory at it's finest!!

5. 1999 Knicks -- Patrick Ewing goes out with an injury and is out for the rest of the playoffs. The Knicks, being an 8th seed as it is, don't have a chance now with their superstar and focal point of the offense out for good, right? Wrong. The Ewing Theory strikes it's very place of origin and the Knicks defeat Larry Bird's Pacers to go to the Championship and if they win...

Ohhh if they win...

More recent examples on a smaller scale: The Pittsburgh Penguins lose Jaromir Jagr for 2 games in the NHL playoffs this year and the Penguins go on to win both games without him... Antoine Walker goes out with an ankle injury at the end of this season and the Celtics go on a nice little win streak without him... the Red Sox are off to a better start this year than last year with the departure of Mo' Vaughn... the Pacer's pull a reverse Ewing Theory on the Knicks in Game 4 of their series and sit both Miller and Smits on the bench for a majority of the first half to which the Pacers build a nice little 15 point lead... the Yanks win two World Series in three years after Don Mattingly retires...

Political example of the Ewing Theory: Gulf War, 1990.
The U.S.A, being fully aware of the Ewing Theory, decide to leave Saddam Hussein in the war, knowing that if they were to take him out that the Iraqi team would become stronger, fight harder and be more unpredictable. A purely genius strategy of President George Bush.

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kpeters@mail.eascorp.org WRITES:
I think I have a new most-hated radio personality. Ted Sarandis flat-out sucks!!!!

Last night I turned him on, figuring it would put me to sleep. Instead, I became so outraged, I felt like throwing my alarm clock out the window (except I'd be late for work today.)

Usually Ted's big gripe is that we Boston (stooopid Boston fans, as Mo would say) are too provincial, and don't grasp how fun MLS soccer, NCAA basketball, or whatever pseudo-sport he happens to be selling at the moment can be, except of course, if there is a local team playing. Last night, he was taking the opposite view that because 3 or 4 callers wanted to talk about the Buffalo Sabres, that we in Boston don't appreciate how good Pedro Martinez is and that we take him for granted.

Needless to say, I was incensed!!!! What the &$%# is this idiot talking about??? Ted sucks beyond any level Ordway could ever hope to reach. Have you ever heard anyone saying anything to discredit Pedro in any way?? What the hell is he talking about??? Is his way of getting callers just being completely arrogant, calling us idiots, and spouting ludicrous statements??

How is this fraud still on the air?? Just because the rest of us have real jobs and don't have the time to "dissect and analyze" the Pepperdine backcourt makes us stupid fans?? Who pays this guy??

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eric.marshall@(work).com WRITES:
I promise that I am not going to e-mail you every time you write a column, but you had a great topic and you missed the boat.

The question is not why Larry Bird is below Magic Johnson (although you did an entertaining job of describing why). The question is this: How in the hell can Larry Bird and Magic Johnson be above Julius Erving. This is one of the biggest jokes ever.

To recap: Without the Doc, the San Antonio Spurs aren't on the verge of a title because they don't exist. For that matter neither do the Pacers (sorry Larry), the Nets, or the Nuggets. His presence was so huge that he saved an entire league from bankruptcy. Without him the NBA finals would be watched annually by thousands of people on Fox Sports Net. Dr.J invented the highlight film, the dunk contest, the basketball poster, the concept of "winning someone a ring", the black athlete as a marketable endorser, and
the sneaker named after a player.

He was huge. #43???? How could Gus let this happen?

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tmbresnahan2@worldnet.att.net WRITES:
Thanks for putting Orr ahead of Gretzky in your personal Top 50. When they showed Gretzky's highlight reels during his retirement tribute week, was anyone else as unmoved by what they saw as I was?

I mean, there were precious few goals/passes that really made you gasp with amazement. Watch the "Best of Bobby Orr" video and compare the reaction that he evokes.

Gretzky wasn't the best shooter, not the greatest passer, certainly not a wonderful skater. And he wasn't much of a defensive forward. Tough? Uh, no. Orr not only was the best defensive defenseman of his day, he did revolutionize the game -- bringing defensemen into the offense for the first time. He was a complete player, masterful at both ends of the ice.

Of course, Gretzky had an incredible knack for the net. He also played in the early/mid 80s when scoring was 2 goals-per-game higher than it is now in the dreadful expansion era. He also played in a time when assists are easier to get than hookers in Bangkok. And by the way, if scoring totals are the only indication of a player's worth, then Alex English should be rated the best player of the mid-80s NBA, right?

He won two more Cups than Orr. Very true. The fact that Edmonton won a Cup without Gretzky in 1990 suggests that he had one hell of a team behind him. He was no Jordan in his ability to truly carry a team on his back in the way that Messier did.

And the whole "Gretzky made hockey popular nationwide" thing is very dubious. Twelve Americans total watched him win Cups in Edmonton. His prime years in L.A. came (1989-92) when U.S. NHL telecasts were on SportsChannel, which virtually no one could get. Kings attendance shot up in his first year, naturally, but it was a one-year phenomenon. A team ended up in Anaheim because of Emilio Estevez, not Gretzky. Teams ended up in Florida, Tampa, Nashville, etc. because hockey is a sure-fire winner at the box office, a great game to witness in person. It's never translated well to U.S. television, even in Gretzky's era.

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rshea@(work).com WRITES:
Secretariat is a freaking horse. I find it unbelievable that he is on the ESPN's Top 50 list. Come on, how do you compare a horse to humans....it's ridiculous! Not even worth the argument in my mind. I cannot even comprehend the comparison.

Besides that atrocity, I think Bo Jackson could have cracked the top 50 and I definitely think Orr is top 20 material. If we are talking athletes, he was definitely the best hockey player ever. The fact that he had 399 reconstructive knee surgeries in his first 5 seasons only enhances his legacy. It is a shame he couldn't play longer and be more healthy, but what he did when he was healthy and unhealthy is amazing. And he was a true revolutionary of the sport. Hell, he still played longer than Secretariat probably lived. I don't think there has been a player that has dominated hockey as much as Orr did. Do you ever see a player, including Gretzky, Lemiux, etc who could play keep away with an entire team? Anyway, I'm sure you are my side and I could keep going.

But what about Bo? Is he not truly among the best athletes of our time? Wasn't that the whole deal... how athletic he was? Since a lot of this is based on unrealized potential, I understand how he was left off, but do you remember Monday night against the Seahawks!?!?! Do you realize his career average yards/carry was close to 6? Do you remember the All-Star baseball MVP? The homer on his first pitch back from hip replacement? As good as Dimaggio and company were, do you think they could have been an All-Star in more than one sports at the same time.

Let's give the man his due...

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GMonster93 WRITES:
Referring to your article on the teams with the best fans... How could you possibly say that Duke fans aren't up there in the top 5. They meet all of the criteria:

1. Loyalty. Even the season when Dule was 13-18 under a replacement head coach (Coach K was injured) Duke fans still spent months in K-ville to get tickets to the Duke-UNC game. If fans stay in tents for months to see an under .500 team play, they must be loyal.

2. Unyeilding devotion. See above

3. Pride. The people at Duke are proud of their school and their team. Talk to a Duke alumn... they truly believe (and justifiably so) that they went to the best school in the country

4. Love. Pride, love, devotion, its all the same thing... #6 is the only one that really matters

5. Appreciation. When Duke came back from Tropicana Stadium after losing to UConn in the finals, they came home to a standing ovation. This is true with the women's team that lost to Purdue in San Jose.

6. An innate knowledge of how to act duirng games. Can you say Cameron Crazies? These guys are truly the best fans in college basketball. I was watching a Duke game in Durham against Portland St. They were up by about 60 and the Crazies were still there doing their thing. Also, you might recall how a much better UNC team with Jaimison and Carter came into Cameron Indoor stadium in their senior year already having blown Duke out. The Crazies pushed the Devils to victory eventhough they were truly outmatched. Furthermore, when a better Duke team came into UNC this year, they proceeded to trounce the Tar Heels. The moral of the story: the Cameron Crazies can change the course of the game. UNC fans cannot.

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UmTozzi WRITES:
I have watched approximately eight minutes of my first NFL Europe game and I have three words for the Patriots:

SIGN LAWRENCE PHILLIPS.

I really don't care if the man's a bastard. I don't care if he has a bigger potential for destructive failure than a Camryn Manheim-sponsored beauty pageant. Two reasons why we've got nothing to lose:

1. Umm, look at the roster
Unless I've missed a signing, we currently have a backfield of Lamont Warren (ouch) and Kevin Faulk (a rookie who has the chance to become a Derrick Collors type). Okay, a backfield with two Dave Meggett wannabes spells 9-7 mediocrity (ask all those Miami teams from the 80's and the pre-Davis Bronco teams how far you get without a running game). Both you and I expect more from this team than a Bruins or Sox-like plan to stay competitive and not bother grasping for glory.

2. Drew:
Speaking of the Bruins, Drew Bledsoe is the Byron Dafoe of football. You know it. I know it. Byron Dafoe is a GREAT guy and one of the top goalies in the league. But during this Bruin playoff run, after he'd let in a "semi-softie" did you find yourself asking: "Given the importance of the game, would Roy have let that in? Would Hasek? Now rewind to that game in Giants' Stadium where Drew threw that end zone int. Given the importance of that game, would Elway have done that? Steve Young?

What does this all mean? It means Drew is one of the better quarterbacks in the league, probably in the top five. Is he ever going to take a team on his back and lead them to glory? Not likely. We need something else.

Could Philips' signing turn out to be a big disaster? Sure! Is it our only chance to rejoin the elite in the league? You betcha. In the words of the great Def Leppard: "It's better to burn out than to fade away."

Slinks

thats all i got

goose25

Thanks man, i'll be reading them all later this afternoon

GOOSE

awesome. thanks slinks

BusyShifter

Thanks Slinks. I have only finished reading the article about "posse" so far. That's an awsome article.

Slinks

i agree. i think the posse article was one of my all time favs.

TLover

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/060629

LaBill

chinoz

I liked this one

"10:20 -- The Mavs take Maurice Ager at No. 28. He puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing hysterically as his entourage congratulates him. It's about time we had some emotion tonight, dammit. Ager walks up to the stage in a triple-breasted, oversized beige suit, goes to shake hands with Stern and immediately gets whistled for a foul on Dwyane Wade."

Mike 350Z

sad but funny at the same time.

btsilver

its funny cause its true..