A Letter to Bob Costas and Katie Couric
August 14, 2004

Shut up. No, seriously, shut up. If the Olympics Opening Ceremony had been a movie, and we’d been in a theater, the entire audience would have beaten you to death.

Katie, instead of giving us a crash course on ancient Greek civilization, I’d prefer it if you would shut up. Bob Costas, you might be interested to learn that some Americans know what a Cycladic Head is. Some of us have actually studied art. As such, you could really just shut up instead of giving us a history lesson.

The opening ceremonies were pretty spectacular, huh? I wonder what it was like to be there and witness them in person. I almost got the feeling of being there; or I should say, I would have, if you had just shut up and let me take it all in. Unfortunately for us, you regard silence not as a time to process the art you are witnessing, but as an empty void which you feel compelled to fill with the sound of your voices.

Katie, when the athletes representing a country you’ve never heard of enter the stadium wearing particularly interesting or colorful garments, they are not costumes. They are likely the traditional dress of their culture. So instead of talking about them like they’re in a high school production of The King and I, just shut up.

Katie and Bob, equally: if you do not know how to pronounce an athlete’s name, shut up.

I heard that when the American delegation entered, the CBC broadcasters spent most of their time discussing the doping controversy involving some of our country’s athletes. That seemed bad until you, Bob, spent the entire duration of Canada’s time on screen discussing not Canada, or Canadian athletes, but a Greek doping controversy. Instead of blathering on about something completely unrelated to what was happening on-screen, it would have been more helpful if you had shut up.

Bob Costas, if the only thing that you can think of when you hear the word “Somalia” is “Black Hawk Down,” please, please, shut up.

I was wondering if one of you could tell me what Björk’s song, Oceania, was like. But then I remembered why you don’t know any more about it than I do: because the whole time Björk was singing, you would not shut up about her dress so I could hear the song.

Here’s something that, as celebrities, you might not have had to learn yet. America is a country of immigrants, many of whom speak multiple languages. You might then shut up in the future when someone is giving a speech simultaneously in Greek, French, and English, instead of reading us your English copy of the speech just seconds before the speaker says it in English himself. Bonus points if you shut up instead of expressing your “great relief” when they stop speaking in a language that you do not understand.

Katie and Bob, your inane banter made me want to claw my eyes out. That was not my expected reaction to watching what was, aside from the two of you, a really fantastic opening ceremony. Tonight you proved that neither of you are terribly bright, but if you can remember something for the next four years, I’d appreciate it. It would save us all a lot of heartache in Torino and Beijing. Shut up.

Sincerely,
The Citizens of the United States of America

P.S. Shut up.

Bob Costas' Useless
Factoids Afflicted Upon Viewers
During the March of Nations: (from Sydney)

"Austria... land of culture..."

"Benin... they still practice voodoo in Benin..."

"The Central African Republic is located in Central Africa."

"Egypt. These are the people who built the pyramids, after all, so it's little wonder that they're a weightlifting power."



And for no good reason -- nothing they said meant anything, as demonstrated by Costas the Intrepid Reporter:

"All of Australia feels a part of this night. No kids are in school."

This needed to be pointed out?..that night time is not the right time to send kids to school, Bob? Do we not know this?