Ok, so here's the situation. Hubby and I have been together 10 years, married for 9. I was 19 when we met and was married by 20. He was in the military and I moved across country to be with him after knowing him for 6 months and we were married 2 months after that. It's a miracle that we lasted this long!

Once he got out of the military, we moved back to our home state and tried to make a life. We've been fighting ever since. It's like a merry-go-round where we go between things being pretty good and really bad. A real "love-hate" relationship. We fight really harsh and say terrible things. I also feel like I was just a teenager when we got married and he "took care" of me then, but now I'm a 30 year old business woman and he still sees me like someone weak. I think we've both grown up and changed so much we can't ever make things work.

I have been preparing myself to leave. When this came up last night, he was torn up and wants to go to couseling and try again. I kinda feel like I don't want to waste more of my life and I'm not getting any younger. We never had kids cuz things were never real stable, but maybe I'd want to. If we try things again and they don't work--I will have wasted more time and put my heart on the line again just to be broken.

We have a long history and we are best friends, but I just don't think we can ever work this stuff out. Am I being short sighted or do you think I need to follow my instincts here??? Help me out, guys. Maybe a male perspective here would help. I can't take it much longer!!!

 

It is your call as to if you should stay or go. Therapy is a good idea.

 

Did something specific happen? Or just general unhappiness?

 

Are there lingering issues that you two have that aren't resolved and it's causing the tension? Also, if you two are best friends, why are you ready to throw in the towel so quickly before working things out?

 

+1 for therapy

 

It's not quickly--been "working it out" for the last 9 years. There are lots of issues. Some of them "usual" like money and sex. Stress from work causes tension all the time, as well.

It seems like therapy is the way I'll have to go. Maybe I can give it 3-6 months and see what happens...

 

Please dont take this as any offense to you- but there are 2 sides of every story. I'm sure he's not seeing things that you are and vice versa. I highly suggest counseling and try not to put a time limit on it. When its time to make a decision you will. Dont try to compress healing time

 

Those are 2 of the main things I hear regarding why couples fight and end up getting divorces. Good luck with the therapy.

 

First off...I'm very jealous of you. I have the same car except you have the manual TSX. I have an all black 600rr, but you have a 1000rr. Damn!

Back on topic...I think you've made your decision already...but you're feeling somewhat guilty about it. Think to yourself...if you do end up not fighting as much, could you love him and only him?

 

Do you love him and still get turned on by him? Sex is an important part of any relation and of the bedroom part of a relationship is not there, no amount of Counselling will help. I was married 16+ years and we did that (Counselling) twice. In the end, she left and I was devastated.

Now, 6+ years later, I have the most respect that my ex had the guts to walk out but she did try really hard. As for me, I look back and am so pleased that she left as I would not want to spend my life with someone who does not feelings for me.

Not being bitter, but I believe that once the bedroom part of a relation is dead, there is not much you can do to revive that.

 

Well who would be turned on and want to jump in the sack with someone they are constantly fighting with and frustrated by?! IMO, lacking in one is the symptom of another. Therefore, you really can't accurately gauge how your love life is (behind all the fighting) without working on fixing the emotional aspect first. One directly affects the other.

 

Personally, I'd feel better and more confident moving on knowing that we BOTH did everything we could to try and fix things. That way, you have no regrets and can honestly say it cannot/will not work, even with some changes and effort. Of course, both of you have to be willing to put in the effort and must have the desire to try something different from what you're doing now (which obviously isn't working).

EDIT: If going to counselling for 3-6 months (and then re-evaluating) saves your 10 year marriage, wouldn't that be worth it? And if counselling doesn't help the situation and you still feel the differences between you too are too great, then you haven't really "wasted" too much of your time and can move on. 3 months really isn't that much to give when it's something as important as your marriage of ten years.

 

I totally agree and I also know what Eggplant-EX is saying. I've heard the saying that when sex is good it's not important, but when it's bad, it's the most important. That's a huge issue and one that's of very big importance to me!!

 

when you guys married you were 2 totally different people than who you are today. Its a shame when people marry prematurely, or should I say 'immaturely'. I also think you've already decided and you're trying to flog a dead horse back to life because you're afraid to bury it.

 

If both people are committed to making it work, I'd say give therapy a try. But if the heart/romance/love is not there, then it's just a waste of time. Life is too short to just settle.

 

Hmm, This sounds just like Babyfer's thread from a month or two ago.


Anyways, good luck Sara.

 

Don't have kids until you are ready....Therapy is a good idea.

 

Therapy works - it will help to decide if you two are meant to stay together.

 

If the two of you married after a brief courtship, at a very young age, it is not surprising that the two of you would take different pathways as adults. The drive to create an adult life will supercede the prior "templates" of your late adolescence, and a late adolescent is what you were when you married.

So, it is not surprising that the two of you have some wild incompatibility issues now. However, if there is a genuine friendship there, there might be the opportunity to 'renegotiate" who you are with each other and find an adult way to be with each other.

A skilled marriage counselor will either:

Create a basis for communication in which the two of you gradually develop interpersonal communication skills that allow you to use your "friendship basis" to create a decent, if not spectacular marriage

Create a basis for communication in which the two of you come to understand the irreconcilability of who you are with each other, and agree, with some amiability, to separate, then divorce.

I don't see how seeing a good therapist will be damaging. I suggest the two of you find three names, and dedicate yourselves to interviewing all three prior to making a decision. Either one of you has "veto power",a nd the chemestry has to be right. If none of the three are right, go to a second round of three, and so on.

 

It sounds like you already made up your mind, Sara.

If my only qualification to make that statement is my experience in watching the way people respond to threads here, you're responding like someone who has made up your mind and is just looking for someone to justify it.

This is a decision we can't make for you.

This is a decision you have to know you've made yourself. Don't make up your mind until you know you can live with the choice you make.

 

People ask for advice when they know the answer but wish they didnt.

 

I agree with soopa that I think you made up your mind. My guess is that you made up your mind months ago and have been waiting around hoping that things are going to change.

I think you're thinking therapy will help because that's what everyone is telling you. You need to decide whether therapy is what YOU want or is it what you think you should want.

With that said, if I were having problems I would give therapy a shot.

Good luck.

 

You mentioned that you feel like you are still best friends, but when you fight really harsh and say terrible things, does the respect for each other still exist?

My wife is my best friend and but when we fight, we never swear at each other. Sounds trite, but I think respect always has to exist even when disagreements arise. Once the swear words start flying, respect goes out the window.

And I'm in the therapy can't hurt camp too.

 

This is just my take and from what I experienced from my divorce and doing therapy twice.

Therapy or Counselling will not solve the problem but just establish exactly what the problem is and what the underlying causes are. If feelings have changed, it will not change it back.

Not trying to sound negative but that is the way I see it. I know my ex was exactly like Sara here. She struggled for so long to make it work and there was & still is alot of guilt she carries. In then end, you have to do what is good for Number 1. Sound selfish, but if Number 1 is not happy, no one will be.

 

Ask him his opinion - where does he see you guys inthe next 5-10 years: are you in the picture? if so, where? Also, counseling is a good idea, but I would honestly just sit down and talk. Come home one night, make dinner - even if you're dead tired - eat, put your dishes away, sit on the couch together and talk. Don't yell and if one of you starts to raise your voice, the other should point it out and you should stop yelling. Tell him how you feel but it's pertinent that you allow for him to tell you how his feeling reciprocate with yours. If wost comes to worst, rent a hotel room for 6 nights (one of you will stay here) and then come back and have the same talk on the couch. There will be a world of difference when you realize what it means to actually miss the other.

 

Men cannot change; my boyfriend used to be a fairly violent guy, but I pointed it out and he stopped, we even took a "break" for a while until he could figure out a way to calm himself down. He's still agressive now, but after I say "ow that hurts" about 7 times he realizes that it actually does. So while he has changed slightly, he hasn't completely changed his ways.

If you do decide to leave him, just make SURE that you feel that you have made the COMPLETELY correct decision. Tumultuous times can make people do some crazy things. When I got to college as a freshman, I partied a lot, drank a lot, and got my first real boyfriend. It was crazy for me, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, it was my first time not coming home to my parents. To balance the crazyness, I figured I should worry about other people and make sure their life was sane since mine was so crazy. I ended up cutting my hips. Everytime my pants rubbed my jeans, it hurt, which made me think of myself instead of everyone else. As someone else referenced: you need to take care of #1. Your husband is important and maybe a break will help you realize how great of friends you are and how much you need eachother; it might bring you closer together when you realize how miserable you are apart (if that's the case).

 

damn... she's right to an extent. I never thought of things like that.

 

Hate to break it to you, but EVERY marriage has ups and downs. Going through a rough spell is NOT an excuse to jump into divorce court. When you said your vows, you made a promise to God (if you're religious), and your husband....For better or for worse, rich or for poor....remember?? You owe it to him and to yourself to WORK THINGS OUT instead of taking the easy way out and ditching the marriage. You WERE very young when you got married...but that's not a reason to give up now.

 

Hey all. Just wanted to post and follow up to this drama. :wink:

I did some amount of soul searching and I decided to go to therapy with him (already going on my own). A lot of the issues are my own and I've started to realize that.

Soopa was totally right in saying that I'd already made up my mind and I was here looking for validation. (who isn't? Hehe) But, thanks for pointing that out. I made me realize I was not being open to other possibilties.

We are still trying to work it out, but it is going well so far but we're only just at the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.

I just wanted to say to those who thought I was "throwing in the towel" too soon that, while this was the first time I posted anything, it was not the first time this divorce issue came to pass. I was got giving up at the first sign of trouble, but exhausted from years of trying something was not working.

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I'm sure I'll have more to add to the story as it develops and no matter what happens.....I'm keeping the TSX.

 

Thanks for the update! Hope everything will turn out for the best!

 

thumbsup for trying to work it out. Good luck and yes, thanks for the update.

 

Most people do look for validation than serious advice. That is why I have stayed away from this topic but I am happy that things are working well.

 

Keep working at it. I hope everything ends up for the best.

 

Glad to hear it and good luck!