SaraWI

Ok..so I just read ALL 11 PAGES of the fifty five thread and I am feeling total deja vu!!! I can relate totally. Anyone who said that only women do that kinda stuff should read on!!! (sorry so long)

I know I just posted on here a few short months ago that I left my husband and was going to get divorced. So after several months of being lonely I decide to start dating again. This was back in April. I met a fantastic guy and we hit if off right away. We both admit that we rushed things a lot but that we couldn't help it because it felt so right.

Just for some background, he is going through a very messy divorce to a psycho ex and HE is rasing their 12 yr old daughter full time (except 3 weekends a month). I should have run screaming for the hills when I heard this the first time, but I fell in love from the day one and from there, I just decided I would adjust to the kid and work out any issues we had. It was wonderful for awhile until the fighting started. We have lots of baggage from both sides and stress up the ying yang. This causes major drama followed by us making up and the whole thing repeats until last week when he says he needs space and time to think about what he wants. He thinks I "can't handle the situation and doesn't think I have the patience to deal with all this." I say something along the lines that maybe HE'S the one not ready to deal with a relationship and he partially agrees.

So I am devestated and feeling like death every day until he IM's me and says this is so hard and he misses me and can't imagine not holding me again. So I agree to talk some more thinking maybe we can work it out. Last we talked he suggested we "date" again and see what happens. That we did rush it and we should back off, but he doesn't want me out of his life. He loves me but "isn't sure what to do." I say something like "I want to be with someone who is 100% sure about me and I can't make you feel something you don't, but I'm happy to work on it if that's what you decide."

Now-help me out guys. What the hell is going on in this man's head. He won't see me because he said he'd be weak if he saw me in person. It's my gut feeling that he just wants to keep in contact because it's too hard to break up and calls when he gets lonely. It's my gut feeling that this has no chance of this ever working out because we are both hurt now. I love this man so much and feel like he's my soulmate. What do I do and why is he doing this to me now?

Cliffs
--me, separated from hubby hooks up with divorced single dad
--lots of baggage, fight a lot but have some good times
--he thinks I can't handle situation and breaks up
--still wants to date and says he loves me
--I feel like I'm being strung along while he decided what he wants

Thanks all...

phee

iTrader: (5)

you are probably great in bed. he has feelings for his ex as well no matter WHAT HE HAS SAID ABOUT HER. he wants you and enjoys what you provide and he truly may be falling in love with you, but his feelings are not quite gone for his ex (which is understandable) hang out with him. dont fuck him because thats what he wants, and see if you guys have a REAL emotional connection Together, make sure its not a one sided thing. but most off all, ask him what he wants. and be open babe. he is going through alot, but you are strong and i assume good lookin and you can find another, you do not want to rush into something because you miss the feelings

SaraWI

wow..yeah..you pretty much nailed it. However, he does not have feelings for his ex. Unless you count feelings of hate. He does want to see her dead but is trying really hard for the sake of their daughter to not smash her face. LOL. So in terms of feelings of love, they are not there. He does NOT want her back. But yes, there are feelings of distrust and fear of getting hurt by a woman again and fear of going through that again. It's not fair to me to be held to her wrong doings every time I have a bad day and get crabby. All of a sudden I'm his ex. Bull

I think it would be impossible for me to hang out with him and not have sex. Especially if we are still not seeing anyone else. I can't do that, sir. No way.

CG2PROJECT

:ibdarksom1writesalongpostaboutrelationships:

TinkySD

Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. When you are indifferent to your ex you are truly over; them but not a minute before. That's not to say he wants to get back with her, i'm sure that's not the case at all, but i'm sure he is dealing with a lot right now just as you were only a few months before.

Probably the best advice anyone can give -- even though it sucks -- is that both of you probably need to take a few weeks of non contact to get your perspective back. I've rushed into relationships quickly after an end to a long term relationship and while it breeds extreme feelings it's also codependent city which is unhealthy. If you can take a few steps back, then realize you still want to be together then go for it.

TinkySD

+1

But in addition to my last post just want to say wishing you luck and we'll all be here for support if you need it!

CG2PROJECT

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 7 (7 members and 0 guests)
CG2PROJECT, TinkySD, SaraWI, 65 Fury Convert, elessar, Rock2534, darksom1

SaraWI

Wow..I never thought of him having feelings for her..even if it is hate. Hmm..food for thought...

As for taking a few weeks off--I hate being alone. I know, I know..it's not healthy. But at least I'm being honest. I can't be alone that long. And as long as I'm being honest..I can't quit sex for that long either! Sorry..I know that's prob a shocker coming from a woman but I need it in my life. So what to do...do I suck it up and stay clean and sober, so to speak, while keeping my distance until we figure things out? Or do I move on with life and still be alone for awhile because I sure as hell don't want to jump into this situation again and just get me some friends with benes? Is my relationship with this guy worth fighting for or has he already made up his mind this is over and he's just stringing me along for the ride?? Ugh...I'm more confused than ever...

TzarChasm

Just my but I really think he is simply not ready for a relationship. Whether he knows it or not. There is too much stress involved in this relationship to turn out well. Better off calling it quits now before someone really gets hurt.

SidS1045

BOTH of you need time off from ALL relationships. Neither one of you has had the time you need to be alone.

Breaking up with a spouse, however it's done and for whatever reasons it's done, is not unlike the death of someone close to you. You have to permit yourself to grieve. (I know, it sounds weird, but treating it this way works, and I know from first-hand experience.) You don't get over the separation from someone close to you quickly, and you must allow yourself some time to get used to being alone, mostly to deal with whatever baggage you have from your break-up. Right now you are not emotionally available, even though you may think you are, and the results of jumping into another relationship so soon are exactly what you already experienced and were quite predictable.

You are both clinging to each other because you are both unable to let go of your previous relationships. That's unhealthy in the extreme and not a good basis for anything long-term. No matter how much it pains you to be apart from him, you'll be doing both of you a favor by not seeing him or talking to him for a very long time. Don't promise him that you'll "work on it." You need to be apart from him, period. The best thing you can do for yourself, besides cutting off all romantic/sexual relationships until you've healed, is to find someone you can confide in...a close friend, a counselor, a shrink. You need a pressure relief, and your confidante can provide that for you.

Take it from someone who's been there.

SaraWI

Why do people keep telling me I need to be alone. I am over my ex. We are still amicable and I don't want to be with him. I wouldn't take him back if he begged me. I don't need time to "mourn". Our marriage was over long before I left.

I can't stand being alone. Why should I be alone? I'm 31, attractive...I have a lot to offer. So why am I sitting here alone and sad. what's with the "you need time to be alone?"

TinkySD

Not being able to stand being alone maybe the best reason to be alone... at least for a little while. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure you are everything you described and more.

As someone mentioned above lost relationships do really need to be grieved like a death. Now it's very possible that you did that grieving even when you were still with your ex in order to bring yourself to be ready to end the relationship. You may be ready for something new. But it seems like this guy isn't right now and your need to not be alone is a big part of why you can't accept he needs some time away.

Fibonacci

Can you please expand on this.

Ken1997TL

Inquiring minds wish to know..

SaraWI

I won't go there



Anyways..the worst part about all this is that I wrapped my whole life around this person. I have no friends and my family and I aren't that close. I have no support and I'm going crazy out of my mind. I miss my life with him so much. How could he do this to me? Ugh! I am going through my angry phase now. This sucks so bad.

1Louder

All couples have disagreements, get on eachother's nerves and can irritate the other - I don't care how much in love you are or how good of friends you are. Great relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict, but how conflict is handled. So I don't know if I'd focus entirely on the fact you have disagreements, but have a good hard look at how he's handling them. Mature or not? Thoughtful or not? Equally concerned for you as well as him?

Second thing to ponder - the best way to evaluate men is look at what they do and ignore everything they say. I wouldn't put as much stock in what this guy is telling you rather look at how he's treating you and reacting to your situation. Men will say anything to achieve what they think they want, but words only reflect the heart if actions fall in line with what's being said.

So my dime-store car-forum psycho analysis on very little data is... :wink:

...I don't think he know what he wants. Part of him wants you - or the idea of you. You're a new person, fresh start, and arguably a step up from his wife. :wink: But IMO, when you're in a situation that has some difficulty or drama, there is a big difference in working through it WITH your partner and at ODDS with your partner. The difference in him saying to you, "hey, we both have rough situations right now, but let's work through it together" vs. "I'm going to go back and forth between wanting you and not wanting you depending on how much heartache or hormones are flowing at the time."

Not to sound like Dr. Phil, but this guy needs to get real with you, and I don't think he is. It sounds to me like there is a need you are satisfying (not necessarily sex...) and he likes the idea of being happier than he was before, but something is not all the way with him. Sounds like you're a woman with options - if he can't get it together long enough to take a stand for your relationship, consider finding someone who will.

SaraWI

Wow...wow..

you guys just blow me away. Thank you very much for the post. I think you hit home on more than one point and something to think about for sure. Those are some words that will seriously stick with me for a long time.

Now..if I could just get over this incredible loneliness..

underdog

Wow. If that isn't a "run for the hills" clarion call I don't know what is. It just
screams of clingy, needy, smothering and high-maintenance.

I'm not saying that to be a dick and piss you off .. just telling you what I heard you say.

SaraWI

It's not about being smothering. I just spent 10 years being married and didn't have a lot of friends of my own. They were all my husband's friends or wives of his friends. Most of my friends had kids and a life of their own and moved on when hubby and I didn't have kids too. Anyone I used to consider a "friend" were all bad news and the boyfriend convinced me to take them out of my life (admittedly for the best) but it still leaves me without a support system.

Ken1997TL

Sara, I can totally understand. Nearly EVERY friend of mine other than my Navy friends is a mutual friend with my long term g/f. If we ever broke up, it would be such a mess and I'd be left with nothing.

svtmike

Same here, but it's more like I've ceased to be an individual and am only part of the svtmike/svtmichele couple. It's really tough when your entire support structure seems connected only to you as a part of a pair. When things are not going well, it's a lonely place to be.

I think the advice to stay out of an intense relationship is a good one, but to go the other way and just have casual fuck buddies.... well it seems to me you could get that out of the current relationship but you really want more than that. I agree with the others though -- you need to relearn how to be your own self.

underdog

I wasn't really focusing on the "I have no friends" comment so much as the "I wrapped
my whole life around this person" comment - in 3 months? Doesn't that seem a bit ..
"intense" to you? The "I have no friends" part just reinforces the isolation and
desperation that came thru in your post. And desperate people have been known to
cling.

I don't doubt that you're attractive and interesting and fun. I'm fairly certain that your
guy friend likes you, enjoys you and finds you to be all of those things from what you've
said.

Granted, I'm possibly, (even probably), full of shit, but it sounds to me that he likes you and
enjoys the sex and and the other good stuff with you .... but ... he is being freaked out
by the neediness or clinginess or smothering that you're projecting. Guys don't react well
to feeling trapped or pressured - he just gnawed a leg off to get out of one trap, he's
gonna be very wary of stepping into another.

Again, just my 2 cents.

1Louder

I would not wish loneliness on anyone, but you built a life before, it will come around again. 31 is just getting started. I know it's easy to say (or type) on a forum and much different in real life, but I wish you the best. Above all, don't settle for less than you deserve - and you deserve more than being the on-again off-again girl.

teranfon

Sara,

I'm certainly not trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel even more terrible than you already are, but the comment you made above isn't a healthy one. Can't stand being alone? You seem to infer that you "shouldn't" be alone because you're experienced, attractive, and have a lot to offer someone. Maybe you are. Maybe you do. But...................you need to have confidence and find acceptance in being alone before you can truly be happy with anyone else. You have to realize that the confidence not to settle can be just as attractive as the attributes you previously mentioned. True enough, you may definitely be over your marriage, but have you taken the time to decide what you truly want?

I was in a relationship similar to yours for over seven years. Always an excuse to fight and argue and soon enough another excuse to try again. It NEVER works. And as much as I loved her and have many fond memories, I realize now it wasn't a healthy relationship to be in.

Be a spectator for awhile. It's not as hard or as lonely as it sounds. And soon enough you'll find someone who appreciates all you have to offer, including your strength and independence, and then you'll see how great it really can be.

BTW, I like your avatar.


Terry

Infamous425

get a dog and a dildo... being alone wont kill you.

furious1smitul

I agree with 1Louder and Terry.

Take time to be single (Not alone, but single - very distinct differences). You could start to build your support structure, start building a life of your own. It is probably the best thing for you to try at this point in your life, for the reasons Terry mentions.

Once you have this, move on to a relationship, you might actually find yourself once again to really know what drives you in life and what sort of person can compliment your life as opposed to being the sole focus of it.

As for your sexual needs you'll have to find your balance - however, do you think it may also have to do with your anxiety of loneliness?

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

A lot of good insight here.

Here's my take. I read some of you posts and these lines stand out to me....

If he agrees, then be careful.

You need to learn how to do that.

Learn to be alone. And be happy alone. No one is going to truely make you happy if you cannot be happy on your own.



These are all your words and feelings. There were a lot more.

I don't want to diminish what you are feeling, but I agree with most of the people that are saying you need time. I don't think you need the time to get over your ex, but you need time to figure out your life.

To me you got caught up in this new relationship really fast. NOT A BAD THING. I know what love is like, you don't choose, it just happens. I think if this is to work with this guy, you both need to be sure it is what you want.

And I feel like part of you need to become more independent. Weird to hear that? If you relied on your ex for his friends, and you rely on this new guy this much, I think emotionally you need to be independent. Find your own friends. Find an activity that you enjoy doing.

If it works out with this guy, then great. If not, you need to be able to move on.

Good luck.

FiftyFive

Sara, I feel for you i really do. I just went through some shit as stated in my horrific thread. If i learned one thing its this: If its meant to be, even the slightest. Things will work out. You cant force love one someone and they can force it on you. It has to be mutual and two people have to be able to give each other 110% percent.

Sara, if it was really meant to be and if you guys really are "soulmates" then it will work out. Things happen for a reason, and things always get better.

I was a wreck in Feb. My thread was pathetic. I know. But i came through all right. I am happier knowing what happened has happened and accepting it, not fighting it.

Oh and i pretty much had my life revolving around this girl too. I lost pretty much all my friends except the really good ones. Start building your friendships up again for the ones you really care about, it will take your mind of stuff and you will feel better for doing it.

SaraWI

Thanks again to everyone for what was stated earlier as "really good insight." I appreciate the comments and suggestions. My one female friend introduced me to a "meet and greet" type group for singles (not dating necessarily..just social outings) and said she would go to one or two with me until I meet some people.

I am also going to go back to the gym and get a membership. It seemed to work for fifty ;-) (thanks for posting, btw..was wondering what your take was on it since you went through almost the same thing!)

I guess I have to be single for awhile. It sucks but it seems like the road not taken at this point and maybe will be for the best. As for the current guy..I think I need to not see him for awhile. Maybe we can talk or text on occassion just to see how each other is doing and stay in touch. Who knows..maybe we will come back around when we're both ready. If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Thank you, thank you for your posts. It's been ..well, educational. Anyone who wants to keep in touch or chat further would be welcome since I clearly have few people to talk to. Maybe thinking about cars would help keep my mind off sex..lol

teranfon

I hope it all works out Sara. The unknown can be difficult at times. Even frightening I suppose. You'll find, however, that you'll become increasingly comfortable in the new surroundings you're putting yourself into. And from these situations new opportunities will arise. They always do.

Sometimes we need to force ourselves to experience other things. See things from another perspective. What we take from these experiences always make us better for it.

Good luck!

Terry

darksom1

Sara I am going to comment on this thread, but it won't be long (thanks guys).

It is not about whether you should be alone or not be alone. You may do what you want without the Dr. Phils approval. What your focus needs to be on is the TYPE of guy you are bringing home. Fix that and you fix the problem. Otherwise, we read part 3 of this in about a month or so from now.

A healthy sex life is a good thing. But a lot of bad sex is nothing compared to a few damn good experiences right? So it is with the men. Find some good guys, not good sex mates, and you can have some great sex! But some great sex mates do not necessarily yield good guys. Get the point? So no need to stop the show...just get a better cast!

I have spoken...

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Keeping occupied is always good. I think you need to be single long enough to be able to do it again if the next relationship doesn't work out. And NO ONE is saying don't date or have sex, just be careful about jumping into another relationship.

Anyone from Milwaukee want to help out Sara?

You'll be fine. I think you doubt your own ability to exist without a guy.

llJrockll

iTrader: (2)

All of the above advice is great. It's safe to say that we've all been there once. I know It's Cliché, but "if it was meant to be, he will come back". Hang in there go out and have a nice time on your own. You're headed in the right direction, Azine is here to help.

p.s. I'll be in Milwaukee throughout this week to catch a few Cubs & Brew games. Have a drink on me.

SaraWI

Ha! Thanks...lol
Being female, getting laid is the easy part. It's the friends part that is difficult...


You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I was engaged at 19 and married at 20. I have never known anything else. Man, this is gonna be rough... but thanks for the support and believe me..I'll be here using it.

I did also just get an email from another member and we're thinking about a meet. Just another thing I can put some focus on and keep occupied: clean up my car..work out the plans...scout some venues. Very nice!

Hopefully I can make it though those lonely nights and come out a stronger woman for it.

SaraWI

You guys rock..thanks again and again...

FiftyFive

The gym definitely helps. I can honestly say that for that 90 mins or so. I really just forgot about everything else.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Start looking at it as you're free to do what you like. See who you like. Be a bit selfish. It's good.

I think you need to meet some people. What are your interests? Aside from the gym, how about a team sport. Softball, soccer, volleyball or something like that. A lot of times a game can turn into drinks after.

I played soccer and joined a couple pool teams after my worst breakup. That really helped me through it.

SaraWI

I'm not into sports and I'm super shy. I would really be streching myself to go to an event alone. I actually did do that once with a social/networking group I used to belong to and ended up re-connecting with an old friend (the one female friend I mentioned) so I guess putting myself out there had positive results. Will try to keep that in mind. I work in a really hip and trendy part of downtown Milwaukee. I'm sure there's some kind of class or group I could join for an after-work kinda thing. I just hope I can follow through on some of these ideas or else I will end up sitting in front of the tv eating cookies...lol..not good!

darksom1

Sara, you remind me of Achilles in Troy's opening set after he slew the challenger:

"Is there no one else! Is there anyone left!"

You Milwaukee guys on here suck! C'mon!!!

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Other activities my friends did to meet people....

Cooking class
Yoga
Gym class
Nature group
Music class
Bowling league
Dart league
Volenture groups.

There are a lot of things that can throw you into a group of people.