Dating & Relationships Love sucks. Now you can cry about it…

Wifey is Upset With Me

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Old 09-23-2009, 01:21 PM
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Common LuvMyTSX. They don't want to listen to the rest of the women that have chimed in. lololol Sasha?

Poor bastards.
Old 09-23-2009, 01:28 PM
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Your wife got upset because you are not consulting her with regards to fixing her car's bumper, rather you are making the decision yourself. And you made the situation worse when you insulted her by equating clumsiness to stupidity. I think you could have avoided the fight if you offered to repair her car in the first place and if you did not eventually yield to unfair comparisons...

I mean, wouldn't you be angry if she called you dumb as fuck because, for example, you always forget to take out the trash?
Old 09-23-2009, 01:38 PM
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lolololol!!!!!
Old 09-23-2009, 01:43 PM
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My wife wasnt happy when I bought my car and didnt "ask" and after talking to her I can understand why. 99% of the time it's in how you ask. It's not a permission thing, it's a partnership thing. If she beats up her car, do what I did, buy her a Hyundai.
Old 09-23-2009, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by sasha
Your wife got upset because you are not consulting her with regards to fixing her car's bumper, rather you are making the decision yourself. And you made the situation worse when you insulted her by equating clumsiness to stupidity. I think you could have avoided the fight if you offered to repair her car in the first place and if you did not eventually yield to unfair comparisons...

I mean, wouldn't you be angry if she called you dumb as fuck because, for example, you always forget to take out the trash?
She already calls me a fucktard, so I would consider that an upgrade!
Old 09-23-2009, 03:25 PM
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Buy her a used Element to throw shit in, thats what my next move is.
Old 09-23-2009, 04:50 PM
  #47  
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Originally Posted by gatrhumpy
Well, seeing as how she pulls the crying card every time we argue, I don't think that's fair. She's using it to her advantage for emotional warfare. I end up caving like a little bitch. I take out my mancard, she punches a hole it it to take a little part of my manhood, and then she gives it back to me.

I'm tired of this.

LOL at women using crying as emotional warfare.

Anyway, she may not like it, but she'll get over it. The bumper will get repaired.
So why not deal with issues when she is not so emotional (let her cry it out and settle down)....

Or perhaps she cries because of the way you choose to handle situations with her, not because of the issue itself. Maybe it's all in your approach...especially if it's similar to the one you wrote about today. Why don't you approach her in a kind, gentle manner (when this whole thing blows over) when things are calm and ask her why it is that she ends up in tears so often. You'll either learn the real reason why, or maybe you'll both learn a different way of communicating that is more effective and less emotionally intense.

Either way, if you felt so strongly about paint scratches, your point could've been made very clear in a very different manner. Maybe she would've been more receptive. I'm not saying she would've done a 360 and agreed with you, but maybe it wouldn't have stung like it did.

I don't know how you do your banking...but since you both feel differently about spending the money to repair the car, why don't you use your own personal money on it instead of from the joint account? That way she isn't missing out on family funds for something that she doesn't feel is worth it to her (and she can do the same for things you don't value/that isn't communal).
Old 09-23-2009, 07:54 PM
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Bottom line: You are trying to change her, and while you're doing that, you insult her...two of the biggest mistakes spouses make.
Old 09-23-2009, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by NSXNEXT
Maybe you should focus on repairing your relationship and stop worrying about the damn car


It is a stupid bumper. It is going to get fucked up again
Old 09-23-2009, 08:38 PM
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This is a DUMBASS fight dude.

At the end of the day, it is just a car. And it's her car. She's the one spending time with the kid, so if she is not 100% focused on getting a stroller into the car without banging the bumper, then so be it.

Like Will said....pick your battles. And this is not a good one.
Old 09-24-2009, 10:08 AM
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Old 09-24-2009, 10:11 PM
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Originally Posted by rounder


brilliant!
Old 09-24-2009, 10:27 PM
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rhino line it and be done with it.
Old 09-24-2009, 11:11 PM
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Oh please, so many people overreacted in this thread. You were pissed and said maybe one thing you could have worded nicer but it's not the end of the world. If my wife scratched up her bumper I would have been pretty irritated and told her to take better care of her things as well. She knows I am very particular about our cars and she takes good care of her car, if not just for her then for me. Tell her you may have overreacted and that you would still like to get the bumper fixed and put a real effort into showing interest in her values like you said. Done and done.

If my wife and I had an argument like that we would have gone to sleep pissed at each other and by the next day done basically what I said above.
Old 09-24-2009, 11:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Burnricers
Oh please, so many people overreacted in this thread. You were pissed and said maybe one thing you could have worded nicer but it's not the end of the world. If my wife scratched up her bumper I would have been pretty irritated and told her to take better care of her things as well.
Her car. Her priorities might be different. She's the one driving it every day and has to worry about its appearance, so if anything, I think she'd be the one to either care or not care. It's not like she's abusing the bumper and destroying it...it has a few scratches. It's not like the OP has a rusted piece of junk decaying on his driveway that would be an embarrassing eye sore. He certainly didn't need to beat her up over it.


One of my husband's prized possessions is his camera (and gear). I have my own too. If he chooses, for example, to drop his every day or scratch it up, or put it to good use...that's his choice. It's his. And as long as it doesn't bother HIM...I don't care.

I have a small hole in my front bumper from where a car hit mine (perpendicular) from THREE years ago. Did it bother me at first? YES! A LOT! Do I still notice it? Yes. Have I gotten over the fact that it's there? Yeah. Y'know why? -- Cuz I've spent the money on much more important and enjoyable things (in my opinion) than what I would want to put into that car at the current time...I just see so many more important things that are currently worth my heartache, attention, importance, happiness, and money.
Old 09-25-2009, 12:22 AM
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One question ^

Do you pay for a majority of his items or does he. If i'm putting alot of money and effort toward this vehicle I expect it to be taken care of. I used to sell cars a few years ago so I may be more anal about it than most but it's gotta be taken care of just for the pride factor AND the resale value. Being a salesman that's always on my mind.
Old 09-25-2009, 12:36 AM
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Pride factor over a bumper cover?
Old 09-25-2009, 12:51 AM
  #58  
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Originally Posted by Burnricers
One question ^

Do you pay for a majority of his items or does he. If i'm putting alot of money and effort toward this vehicle I expect it to be taken care of.
3 of the last 4 cars I bought were for others (including my wife)-- they can treat the cars as they believe appropriate because the cars are theirs, not mine.
I did not insult my father when he scratched up the fender of the car I bought him-- it was his car.
I also didn't insult or berate my wife when she scraped the lip of my six-month old TL on a curb-- I simply value my wife more than any car and try not to let pride get in the way of my relationships.
Old 09-25-2009, 12:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Burnricers
One question ^

Do you pay for a majority of his items or does he. If i'm putting alot of money and effort toward this vehicle I expect it to be taken care of. I used to sell cars a few years ago so I may be more anal about it than most but it's gotta be taken care of just for the pride factor AND the resale value. Being a salesman that's always on my mind.
We have two cars in the family - each "our own." We had them before we met. How he chooses to treat "his" car, even though we often ride in it together, is his choice.

I don't force him to keep it clean, I don't require him to wash it every second day so it's always beautiful, I don't ask him to fix door dents or scratches...that's his choice - it's his daily driver. But he's also very reasonable with how he takes care of it. If it bothers him, he'll fix it. I notice a few scratches, I know they're there, I know there's a repair that *could* be done to my own bumper that I still see every time I look at the car, but we've just chosen to spend our "family money" differently for the time being. We've both found other uses, priorities, and enjoyable ways to spend it.

It's not necessarily all about pride, and it doesn't sound like either of your wives are trashing the car with pure disregard. I don't think anyone on this forum would choose to drive around town in a dump of a car that's falling apart, and at a major "loss of resale value" (which you and Gatr both seem to be fixated on even though you're not even selling the cars any time soon). I think it's more than fair to be reasonable in expectations when it comes to *having a partner who is not as into cars as you*! I mean, not everyone will marry a member of AZ with the same interest level in cars!

Do you plan on repairing and repainting every bumper scratch that occurs as it happens? Expensive trend. Cuz there's probably going to be one there the next week too...and it could've been from another driver or pedestrian, and have nothing to do with "fault" of your wife either. When I first got my car (used), I repaired all of the door dents from the previous owner. You know what? THE SAME DAY - two hours after it was done, someone opened their door into mine! Although I checked and there was not any damage...it was a quick reminder of how quickly money can go down the drain when it comes to cosmetic car repairs.
Old 09-25-2009, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Burnricers
One question ^

Do you pay for a majority of his items or does he. If i'm putting alot of money and effort toward this vehicle I expect it to be taken care of. I used to sell cars a few years ago so I may be more anal about it than most but it's gotta be taken care of just for the pride factor AND the resale value. Being a salesman that's always on my mind.
Doesn't matter who pays for it. IMO, if you're married, everything comes out of both pockets.

Originally Posted by Will Y.
3 of the last 4 cars I bought were for others (including my wife)-- they can treat the cars as they believe appropriate because the cars are theirs, not mine.
I did not insult my father when he scratched up the fender of the car I bought him-- it was his car.
I also didn't insult or berate my wife when she scraped the lip of my six-month old TL on a curb-- I simply value my wife more than any car and try not to let pride get in the way of my relationships.
Well said. I 100% agree.
Old 09-25-2009, 08:19 AM
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Temporary hijack....


Elliott has gotten big!

Now back to your regularly scheduled argument..........
Old 09-25-2009, 08:19 AM
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Gatr - One question.

What are you going to do when your kid scratches the car by mistake with his bike, or rips a small hole in the leather, or draws "I love Daddy" on your door?

You guys need to relax and realize it is just a car. Cars are replaceable. Scratches are fixable. Your wife is not. This is who she is. Arguing about it is equivalent to banging your head against a brick wall and expecting it to eventually feel good.
Old 09-25-2009, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by gypsygirl
Temporary hijack....


Elliott has gotten big!

Now back to your regularly scheduled argument..........
He has. I no longer have a baby boy.
Old 09-25-2009, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Will Y.
3 of the last 4 cars I bought were for others (including my wife)-- they can treat the cars as they believe appropriate because the cars are theirs, not mine.
I did not insult my father when he scratched up the fender of the car I bought him-- it was his car.
I also didn't insult or berate my wife when she scraped the lip of my six-month old TL on a curb-- I simply value my wife more than any car and try not to let pride get in the way of my relationships.
Great point...my wife's DD has many of the same scratches and stroller marks, but at the end of the day I know they are minor, unintentional and not worth arguing about.
Old 09-25-2009, 09:38 AM
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How long have you been married?
Old 09-25-2009, 11:00 AM
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I don't understand marriages where people constantly nickel and dime each other. If one of you is earning more than the other, is it really because the other isn't working hard? Whether at their job, or at home taking care of family and household? You're a team. Act like it.

What this boils down to for me is respect. You don't call someone stupid when you respect them. If it's really important to him, he can communicate that to her in a much more adult and rational way that won't make her feel so defensive. But he still needs to understand that when someone is juggling a child and all the equipment that goes with it, scrapes and dings are going to happen. Even if she were the most coordinated, athletic woman he's ever met - kids jostle things, and require you to take your attention off what you're doing to focus on them. A lot. Add in that I'd be surprised if she's as physically strong as he is. Some of that crap is heavy.

All I'm asking those of you who have no compunction about speaking down to your SO's, is that you put yourself in their shoes for a second before treating them like robots who are supposed to be there to not only do your bidding, but to do it exactly as you would have. If it's so friggin easy, do it yourself.
Old 09-25-2009, 04:38 PM
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To the young people reading.... Don't get married. If you are going to get married don't allow little things to blow up. When I get mad at anyone I will not talk about the issue or whatever it is while I am mad. I will let her/them know why I am mad but not talk about it until the anger has pretty much died off. When there is anger and trying to talk about the issue that got you mad there are always errors on what you say or how it comes across.
Few questions or things to think about.

1. She has a stroller, why not get her a suv or something in that nature that the trunk is easier to access? (E39 wagon, Volvo wagons, WRX, list goes on) it will be harder to scratch and move convenient for her.

2. Why not have her drive a beater car until there is no more stroller?

3. Why over step her wishes when the car isn't the one you drive as a DD?

4. Are you really happy with this woman? If yes why don't you try to keep it that way? and if not why even be there?

I am pretty blunt and direct on my thoughts and it's got me into some pretty big holes but.... I have learned that it's better to keep quiet at times.
Old 09-25-2009, 05:55 PM
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Gatr, you need to do four things:

1) Forget fixing the bumper.
2) Accept the fact that you sucked at fixing the bumper yourself.
3) Accept the fact that the bumper is going to get more scratches.
4) Buy your wife a dozen roses, a nice bottle of wine, a nice dinner out, and make a sincere apology for being a dick.
Old 09-25-2009, 10:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Street Spirit
Her car. Her priorities might be different. She's the one driving it every day and has to worry about its appearance, so if anything, I think she'd be the one to either care or not care. It's not like she's abusing the bumper and destroying it...it has a few scratches. It's not like the OP has a rusted piece of junk decaying on his driveway that would be an embarrassing eye sore. He certainly didn't need to beat her up over it.


One of my husband's prized possessions is his camera (and gear). I have my own too. If he chooses, for example, to drop his every day or scratch it up, or put it to good use...that's his choice. It's his. And as long as it doesn't bother HIM...I don't care.

I have a small hole in my front bumper from where a car hit mine (perpendicular) from THREE years ago. Did it bother me at first? YES! A LOT! Do I still notice it? Yes. Have I gotten over the fact that it's there? Yeah. Y'know why? -- Cuz I've spent the money on much more important and enjoyable things (in my opinion) than what I would want to put into that car at the current time...I just see so many more important things that are currently worth my heartache, attention, importance, happiness, and money.
No. It's OUR car. You're married too, so you should know the difference!
Old 09-25-2009, 10:05 PM
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Originally Posted by RaviNJCLs
Gatr - One question.

What are you going to do when your kid scratches the car by mistake with his bike, or rips a small hole in the leather, or draws "I love Daddy" on your door?

You guys need to relax and realize it is just a car. Cars are replaceable. Scratches are fixable. Your wife is not. This is who she is. Arguing about it is equivalent to banging your head against a brick wall and expecting it to eventually feel good.
Well, this hasn't happened yet, so I don't know. But there is a difference between my wife and my son.
Old 09-25-2009, 10:06 PM
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Originally Posted by F-C
How long have you been married?
WTF does that have to do with anything?
Old 09-25-2009, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by svtmike
Gatr, you need to do four things:

1) Forget fixing the bumper.
2) Accept the fact that you sucked at fixing the bumper yourself.
3) Accept the fact that the bumper is going to get more scratches.
4) Buy your wife a dozen roses, a nice bottle of wine, a nice dinner out, and make a sincere apology for being a dick.
1.) Too late.
2.) The repair would have been perfect had it not been for the supposedly matching paint I bought.
Old 09-25-2009, 10:19 PM
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My wife and I have come to a mutually-acceptable solution. Things are back to normal now.

I told her that if she let me fix the car, I would not repair other minor scratches on her car again as long as we'd own the car, with our joint money. Of course, the car is getting up there in miles (108K), but it's ingreat shapre.

She appreciated everything I do to protect the cars and keep them running. That made me feel better.

I bought tickets to Vegas and am taking her to Vegas.

I also took the kid for the day so she could study for her GRE and get a nap. That made her feel better. I cooked dinner and we got the car just before her dance class.

When I went to go pick up the car, I paid 50% of it with our joint money, and 50% with my own allowance. I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

Not to mention the fact that the repair itself that the bodyshop did was not perfect. There was a small knick that was not sanded down, about the size of a 12-point font letter "f." The bodyshop knocked $50 off the repair, so instead of $220, it was only $170.

I then went and bought a lighter stroller for her to use. She was VERY happy with that.

And to all who think that I am a dick, I'm sorry to lead you to that conclusion. I'm usually very nice and not "dickish" but I guess I was upset at her not having the same values, which actually is a good thing (two people who like cars are you kidding me?).

Read my wife's blog (the story about the Hyatt, link is below and you have to scroll down a bit) if you want to know what kind of husband I really am!
http://outandaboutinjax.blogspot.com...-at-hyatt.html
Old 09-25-2009, 11:17 PM
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Old 09-26-2009, 09:33 AM
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^ +1. The lighter stroller was a really nice touch.

I know you're not a dick. However,this new stroller doesn't happen to be a little more streamlined in case it gets shoved up your backside, does it?
Old 09-26-2009, 11:25 AM
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Nice one dick....


Oh wait..


Old 09-27-2009, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by wndrlst
^ +1. The lighter stroller was a really nice touch.

I know you're not a dick. However,this new stroller doesn't happen to be a little more streamlined in case it gets shoved up your backside, does it?
Maybe.
Old 09-27-2009, 08:32 PM
  #78  
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Nice recovery! Sounds like a solid make-up plan.

I'm always careful about what hill I choose to die on in my marriage. You don't win every battle, and it's always wise to know which things to let go and which things to fight for. Sounds like you may have already done this, but explaining to her why the scratches bother you might help. Not just because you're a car-guy, but what's the underlying value to you. I've found that when my wife (and women in general) know the "why" underlying the "what", things go better.

The lighter stroller was a nice touch.
Old 10-11-2009, 09:40 PM
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Here's what I don't understand.

The car belongs to both of them. But the money for the bumper is coming out of gatrhumpy's pocket. I understand being a team and putting your money together, but last i heard gatr wasn't hurting for money. If it really bothers him that much, and you can easily afford to fix it, why not?

His wife seems to have given up on the scratches, and sounds like she thinks it will inevitably stay there. This is not true. Scratches like those can EASILY be avoided. If you can take care of it, then it'll stay fine.

Hey, if my wife fixed something that I didnt take care of, I'd thank her instead of booting her out of the bed.
Old 10-12-2009, 12:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Street Spirit
We have two cars in the family - each "our own." We had them before we met. How he chooses to treat "his" car, even though we often ride in it together, is his choice.

I don't force him to keep it clean, I don't require him to wash it every second day so it's always beautiful, I don't ask him to fix door dents or scratches...that's his choice - it's his daily driver. But he's also very reasonable with how he takes care of it. If it bothers him, he'll fix it. I notice a few scratches, I know they're there, I know there's a repair that *could* be done to my own bumper that I still see every time I look at the car, but we've just chosen to spend our "family money" differently for the time being. We've both found other uses, priorities, and enjoyable ways to spend it.

It's not necessarily all about pride, and it doesn't sound like either of your wives are trashing the car with pure disregard. I don't think anyone on this forum would choose to drive around town in a dump of a car that's falling apart, and at a major "loss of resale value" (which you and Gatr both seem to be fixated on even though you're not even selling the cars any time soon). I think it's more than fair to be reasonable in expectations when it comes to *having a partner who is not as into cars as you*! I mean, not everyone will marry a member of AZ with the same interest level in cars!

Do you plan on repairing and repainting every bumper scratch that occurs as it happens? Expensive trend. Cuz there's probably going to be one there the next week too...and it could've been from another driver or pedestrian, and have nothing to do with "fault" of your wife either. When I first got my car (used), I repaired all of the door dents from the previous owner. You know what? THE SAME DAY - two hours after it was done, someone opened their door into mine! Although I checked and there was not any damage...it was a quick reminder of how quickly money can go down the drain when it comes to cosmetic car repairs.
I never said I would blame the wife if someone else scratched/dented her car but the fact is if she's not going to take care of her nice things then we're not going to continue to get her nice things. My top priority is not necessarily resale value but it is a factor.

If you're going to treat your $35k car like a $10k civic then that's what we'll get the next time around. Fortunately she takes care of her things because she knows we both work hard to afford them so it's not an issue for us.


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