Hi everyone:

I have never posted anything about personal relationships on forums before, so to me, this is going to sound really weird, but i need some advice...

Background:
My gf and I have been together for 5.5 years. We've met in highschool and have been together ever since. There have been the usual ups and downs, but somehow we always reach to an understanding. Now, my feelings for her have not changed, and i think the same for her too (i hope). We have a lot in common, and sometimes we even talk about how we live together after we're married.

BUT...I have to admit, it was kinda difficult keeping on the relationship, not because she was being a b***h, but is the distance we live apart... The distance between our house is approximately 15km. I see/visit her around 4 times a week... But the travelling sometimes makes me so tire..... She doesn't have a car, so it is always up to me in making the effort to go see each other (which i don't really mind).

Sometimes, i am so tired that i tell her that i need some rest... so then gets angry at me and say i don't care for her and such. I know she doesn't really mean it, but i guess she just wanted to see me and such... so i just usually let her vent out...

Also, another thing is my mother... she has no personal things against her, but she dislikes the idea that i am making so much effort to go see her... In the beginning, i understand because my mom barely knows her.. and she is afraid i get distracted from school... but after so many years, my mom still got this thing about me driving a lot to see her.... saying i'm putting a lot of mileage on the car and using a lot of gas....... i dont' know what to say.... she said i care for my gf more than i care about her....

Today:
We both finished university, and i recently got a decent job at a consulting firm... (so i am paying for my tsx ). but my mom's point of view has not changed still... also, my gf can't move out yet (her family is very traditional), and beside, she doesn't like the idea living in my place, coz she is afraid that she will have arguments with my mom..

The only thing that can relieve my stress and make both sides happy is the get my own place and live with her (possibly get married as well).. but i just got my job recently and it won't be 3-4 years until i save enough money for those....

Is there another alternative?? Do i have to live with it for another couple of years until we can finally move out........ i'm really tired rite now....

Thanks for reading... this is the first time i told people about this situation.. i've been holding it for quite some time...

P.S. and no, breaking up is not an option.... we both enjoying see each other and stuff....

 

maybe help her get her own wheels ?

 

Your mom sounds like my mother-in-law. She's happy with me, but I could see her saying "you're using so much gas!" to my wife Your mom sounds like the problem to me - tell her to mind her own business

I'm sorry, but 15km doesn't sound that far to me. What's keeping you from moving out and getting an apartment now that you have a job? To me freedom > money, so saving up to buy wouldn't be an option.

 

15 km is not far at all. thats like a 15 minute drive. Whats the big deal

But anyways, my advice to you is to thicken up that backbone. With your gf, and with your mom.

If you are too tired to go see your gf, then just tell her to chill out. 4 times a week is alot. If she really wants to see you then she can hop on a bus, or doesnt she have a car she can borrow? Either way, you should have the freedom to chill at home by yourself when you want to. It sounds like she is a bit immature.

And as for your mom, it sounds like she is afraid of losing her baby. Well, she's got to suck it up and accept that. Maybe you are the oldest and this is the first time she has to deal with this? Or maybe you are the youngest and she still see's you as her baby? In any case, you've got to be straight with her and let her know you are an adult and you are not going to be her baby forever. It would also be a good idea to bring your gf over alot more, get her closer to your mom, to make it easier for your mom to accept things.

Obviously both situations may need to be dealt with a little more tactfulness than i have written here, but you get the idea.

 

Yea, my mom seems to be putting me down a lot of times. But i can't blame her, because she had a tragic personal experience... so defying her would not be too wise...

and you are right, 15km is not THAT far... that's like 15 min driving with no traffic.. But driving back and forth WITH traffic is really tiring... especially after a long work day...

well..i just don't see myself affording an apartment... just don't have the cash.... and renting would just put more load on myself financially... so living with my mom is one of the best way to save some money for myself... (plus, before i move out, i somehow gotta explain to my mom why i want to move out without ticking her off)

 

Actually, i am the middle child. So.. i don't know how she considers that

I do bring my gf to my house a lot, and most of the time, they are cool... but when i drive her back home at night, i have to make that extra return trip... and if you add that on a weekly basis... that will be a lot of driving... that's why living together would be the best.. no more back and forth driving...

Well, as you know, Toronto, and especially Richmond Hill/Markham area, the public transportation is virtually non-existent... so waiting 1 hour for the bus is just not an option.
Her family has two cars, but her mom and brother need it for work....

I agree with you about the thickening the backbone thing... to both of them.. but it is natural of me to soften up when they put on the sad face and say sad things....

 

Sounds like a problem you could only resolve through time.

As you stated, the best thing to do is probably move in together in your own place, then see where the relationship takes you.

By the way, 15km back and forth CAN be tiring if done more than 3 times a week.

iamhomin, who drove like a madman the past two years.

 

Dude... grow up. Get a place move in together. Fuck tradition.

Or get married. But calling 15km a long drive, please.

 

15km isn't much at all man. I understand how it is getting off work and being tired though. During the summer my gf lived about that far away and it was hard to find time to visit all the time. I would definately suggest your gf get a car or borrow her parents. If she thinks you don't care, then she should be making an effort to go to your place.

My gf is 250 miles away now and that's been really hard. I've ended up driving 500 miles for the last 5 weekends to visit, but its worth it no matter what.

 

Does your gf work? Maybe you guys can go in on a place together? That way the financial burden isn't all on you and you can still save for a house, etc.

If you really love this girl, 15 km is well worth it.

 

that's a lot of driving!!

 

[QUOTE=ClutchPerformer]Does your gf work? Maybe you guys can go in on a place together? That way the financial burden isn't all on you and you can still save for a house, etc. [QUOTE]

She just return from her after-grad vacation, and now she is looking for a job.
BUt she still have to pay back her loan as well....

I guess money is a factor as well...

 

[QUOTE=TSXDude][QUOTE=ClutchPerformer]Does your gf work? Maybe you guys can go in on a place together? That way the financial burden isn't all on you and you can still save for a house, etc.
After grad vacation?

Where did she go and for how long? Since money is a factor and all.

 

She just went back to HK for 2 months to take care of some stuff.. and visiting her grandparents since she hasn't been back for 9 years...

 

Yup, some of us aren't lucky like you... my girlfriend is in other state, not other township. I drive almost 400 miles round trip to see my girlfriend on weekends..

 

Where's this relationship headed now that your/her schooling is completed and you are not students any more? Marriage? Long-term living together? or is it just fine where it is? If where it is is fine, then you just need to damp off Mom a bit, cut your time to three times a week by "defining your boundaries" and relax. If you're building towards a more permanent kind of relationship than 4xweek, you and she are going to have to do some planning to build and protect that, not the least of which is financial - and you're going to have to get mom past early-onset "empty nest" syndrome. And, in that regard, there is a difference between defining legitimate, adult needs and defying your mom. She deserves respect, but not a state of indentured servitude, and - unless she is a complete ostrich, she's gotta know that you're going to want to have a life with a lifepartner.

(and personally, I don't think 15 km is a long distance - so is something else going on in the relationship that causes you to use the distance as an excuse? Frankly, some of the best times I've had with my wife - before and after our marriage - have been when I've been pretty shot........... and as you build a relationship, it kinda means accepting the other individual wherever their energy level is at and "going with it" . Do you just want to have more private time? Prefer to have some solitude? That's also ok, but that isn't necessarily fatigue. Or do you have more compelling issues with the relatiohship that casues you to not want to spend time there? )

 

That's a very insightful opinion, and i guess i wouldn't expect less from a mature person like you. You are right about most stuff, i suppose.. is time for me to take charge

to answer your questions:
yes, i think we are heading for marriage, but when, don't know.. i guess i gotta find out the costs involved in a marriage and living.

as with the mom issues, i guess i gotta deal with it for now. It isn't so bad, is just the stuff that she implies sometimes...

 

My wife and I started our relationship when I took a job 1100 miles away. Sometimes I flew east, sometimes she flew west, sometimes we drove, sometimes we met in the middle........ spent a hell of a lot of money on travel and telephone and a lot of time writing (before email), and a lot of times, the other one was really busy when one of us had a chance for a quick visit. It was worth it.

 

You need to prepare your mother for the possibility that this girl will be around for a long, long time. It seems like your mom's compliaing is because she doesn't know how serious you are about her.

 

I do tend to be the resident crumudgeon as my palsied arthritic hands try to make this keyboard thingie work.............. But gotta tell you that - if you and this woman want to make it work, there will be a way to make the finances work - the finances will follow the affection and the desire to build a life together if that affection is bonding strongly enough. Even with prudent planning, two startup jobs should provide you with the security to begin to form a household within a reasonable timeframe, if that is what you both want and you start stashing the downpayment/deposit money. If the true affectionate bond isn't there, all the financial planning in the world will just become a tool to avoid...........

And moms can be a trip, but you have to work towards and adult/adult exchange with her - you're no longer her twelve-year old; those subtle hints and implications can be pretty difficult to respond to if you hold onto her belief that it is an adult/child transaction. In fact, depending on the issue and the dynamic, you may be the more mature one in some of the transactions.............My mother tried to sabotage and denigrate every serious relationship I had because she was so threatened, I guess - some of her tricks worked, until I told her that I was just going to stop bringing anyone home, and that she'd just have to be surprised on my wedding day. She was pissed, but she got over it, and cleaned up her act, sort of. I get a sense that you are incredibly thoughtful because of some complexities in her life, but you can't allow the limitations of her life to co-opt your own. You've got too much of your life ahead to allow that to happen. If she needs professional help to move past the complexities of her history, then she needs to move forward with that - she doesn't need to manipulate relationships with her increasingly adult children in order to compensate for prior losses and challenges.

Probably enough of a rant for an old fart - good luck, man.

 

Your mother has raised a fine son but she is not doing you any favors by not allowing you to be a man. Your realtionship with your girlfriend is doomed as long as it is secondary to the relationship with your mother. If you intend to marry this girl, then she must be your one, over riding priority. If you don't believe me, ask any woman who has had a serious relationship with a "mama's boy".

 

Wow, that's a lot of great advice you guys given me!
Greatly appreciated, and i will keep all these things in mind!!

This forum is so great!!! i don't think i can get any better advice elsewhere!!

 

Forget about the rock on that girl and get married at city hall and buy a wedding band. Then she can come live with you & moms and her parents can't say nuttin! Just make sure you do a "real" wedding down the road when you are both financially secure. hehe, that was just a suggestion

You must be asian? Cuz I know all about traditional parents.....but dude, tell the GF to CHILL. I know how hard it is when you just get out of the office and after a long day, all you want to do is go home and relax, hit the gym or something. Fighting traffic is the last thing on your mind! She needs to act mature and realize "hey, my BF works 8+ hours a day, and to expect him to drive an extra hour to and from just to see me 4x a week after work might be pushing it a little". She needs to understand and you need to tell her that that or else she'll push you around for the rest of your life. To show her you care...why don't you just plug on your headset on your cellie and just talk to her on the cellphone from whenever you have free minutes to whenever one of you wants to go to sleep. My GF and I do that a lot when we miss each other since she is 80+ miles away and I only see her on weekends..or sometimes every other weekend.

The key to a good relationship is compromise....she needs to be willing to let you rest a few nights, and you shouldn't be caving in to all her demands. Hope all goes well...and seriously consider my first idea!!!

 

uhmm this is a car-crazy forum...I wouldn't be so sure....

 

Impossible, read his post more carefully like below:

 

x 12867493 From a wife's perspective, you really need to set up boundaries or resolve any issues that give rise to resentment between your gf and your mother, because it will get worse if you marry her. If you are going to marry her, she will become "your family" then, and she becomes your first priority, and she has to trust that this is the case. And your mom is just going to have to accept that this is the case. You are an adult and you make your own decisions.

I think the driving distance issue is symptomatic of something larger. It seems to me that you have a lot of responsibilities and a lot of people that want things from you, and that you don't have any personal time or space or whatever for yourself.

 

She's a smart one. Listen to her.

And definitely figure out your priorities.

 

sorry, no time for careful post reading when you're halfway looking at some financials

 

tell your bitch you need gas money. slap her if she doesn't give you any.

 

I drive either over 65.6mi (32.8mi each way) or 226.4 (113.2mi each way) just to see my girlfriend every week. (house is 32.8mi away, college is 113.2mi away)

I don't have a problem driving that far because every mile on the TSX is just one more mile enjoyed.

Once I reach her place its more than worth it.