Well as most of you know, I live with my bf Joe. We are not engaged but we have had talks about this and have pretty much decided that we are the ones for each other and that we will eventually get married. We are both waiting until we graduate (him from grad school and undergrad for me) and have steady jobs.

However, ever since we moved in together, our friends (his and mine), as well as our parents, have been constantly asking us when we are getting married, if we are engaged yet, and if kids are on the way. I have firmly told them that it is not going to happen until we have established our career. They obviously can't understand this because they keep asking.

Also, a few of my friends are consistent in asking me the above questions as well as asking to stand in MY wedding. One girl even went so far as to demand to be my maid of honor. First of all, the friends of mine who actually are going to stand in my wedding have enough confidence in our friendships that they don't need to ask or demand a place in my wedding party. First of all, the ones that are asking and demanding are people that I am no longer friends with or actually try to avoid because of previous reasons, and their questions make me feel less inclined to even invite them to the ceremony/reception, much less include them in the wedding party.

What would you do in this situation and do you think there are any better ways to handle this?

 

I think a solid "Fuck you" is the thing to say in both situations.

 

Hmmm, tough tough situation. I lived with my wife for several years before we were engaged or married. Noone was quite as persistent as they sound with you two.

You may have to take a stand with the "friends" who are pressuring you (or blow them off).

It's really difficult to offer advice on someone or some situation you barely know. There's so many other influences that are tough to describe unless you know the person.

But it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Simply do what is best for yourself. Everyone will come around.

 

I know the feeling. My gf and I live together and our friends keep asking us when we're getting married (almost as much as my gf asks me ) We have talked about it and, although we still aren't engaged, are planning on getting married next year.

You can't let your friends, "friends" or family rush you into something you don't feel you are ready for.

As for the demanding "friends", tell them you're having a small bridal party and have already decided who's going to be in it, but they didn't make the list. Or create a reality TV show so they can all compete to be your maid of honor. Then have a spin at the end where none of them make it

 

I think you just need to make it clear to them that you intend to pursue that path, but that there are other things that need to be put in place. Tell them that if they continue to pester you and Joe about it, that you will elope and that there will be no grandchildren.

 

Thanks guys...Our parents seemed to be the most understanding out of everyone when I told them why we aren't engaged yet. They thought that it was very responsible/mature of us to wait until we had a steady job and graduated. Our friends need to STFU though.

I think my mom would love for me to elope...less $$$ she needs to spend on my wedding!

 

well, it is this sort of stuff that separates the friends from the idiots.

Sounds like you are building the relationship before getting married, which makes a lot of sense to me. Why and how you do that is no one's business but yours. The issue is how polite or how rude you want to be in telling folks.

"We're not planning a date and a ceremony now, we're focusing on other issues in our life together.

"you will be the first to know (saved for parents) but don't hold your breath

"when we do get married, it will be a small wedding. We hope you will find it an honor simply to be invited" (or not.......................)

 

You'll need to "pressure-proof" yourself at some point. It sounds like after you get married you will start feeling the pressure to have kids. And when the first child comes you'll hear about how you should be raising a child this way and not that way, etc.

 

gotta love small southern town mentalities...

 

nothing wrong with eloping, thats what im planning to do...if my family wants a formal wedding i'll ask them to help pay for it

 

omg jatt is going to have his heart broken

 

Not all of my friends are from small southern towns. Many of them were actually born and raised in the North and came here for school.

 

I had a college classmate who was offered a church wedding, country club reception, live band, open bars, the whole shooting match...............for a cast of thousands....................................

or a simple wedding in the back yard (which was a ranch in Texas, by the way...) with a reception following for about 50 people max and a check for $25,000 (this was in the late '60's when that was a chunk of change). They took the latter, had a threemonth honeymoon in Europe, and took the balance for the down payment on their first home. Never looked back. Smart kids.

There are now package deals for small weddings in the Caribbean, the immediate family, the wedding party and a long weekend - wedding on the beach, everyone else goes home, and the honeymoon continues. My stepson is thinking about that. Keeps the thundering herd down.

All you really need for a wedding is your feelings, someone to make it legal and the key people you want to witness it. Anything after that is theater. Nice theater, but theater.

 

Wannabe southerners

 

Well, truthfully, both of our families want a big wedding. Joe does, I do, both sets of parents do. However, I don't want the drama that comes with it. Joe has already told me that he will have 1 best man and at least 5 groomsmen. I do not have that many close friends, so we have already realized that it will be a huge problem for me when that time comes.

Thats what their problem is! J/K

 

All the better to wait. Planning something like that becomes a major deal, and the details can make the most stable couple come unglued over stuff like the pattern on the egg cups or the floral arrangements for the reception............................ lots of stuff and lots of opinions. My wife planned her wedding (her second) it was small (50 people) but formal (tux, 6:00 PM in he Victorian chapel of the church I had been a member of and a reception at the Union League, a private club in the city here in Philadelphia; cocktail hour in one room, dinner following in the other, a pianist - no band - )and it still took an inordinant amount of time and energy. Amazing things happen to shopclerks when they hear you say "wedding".

Just hold on to the fact that it is YOUR wedding..................

If you want to give people something to DO, select your silver and china now, so your respective families can start to buy this stuff for you for birthdays and Christmas gifts and such. Makes it easier when the time comes to make sure you get what you need in regards to all of that stuff..................

 

Thank you for the great advice, I'll keep it in mind when it happens!

You don't think that it would be rude for me to start a registry now? I don't need anymore silver or china, I already have 2 sets. I'm interested in more practical things. Like a new mattress/bedroom set.

 

In the great southern tradition, young women who are "bethrothed' or committed frequently form the list of needs well before the marriage, whether or not it is formalized as a proper registry. Certainly, you can create a "protoregistry" and know what your needs are and help steer folks in the right direction. Relatives respond the best to this kind of coaching, and if it is done tactfully, it isn't tacky at all. The conversation with parents before your birthday (well, you know that Joe and I are setting up housekeeping and we really are looking at what our needs are, so we are hoping that we can guide folks a bit so that we can get things that are truly useful to us. Can you and Dad think about a bedroom set?) can be structured, and if the family is big and happy, the future inlaws can share in the development of a combined effort for really major ticket items. If your respective families are really interested in supporting you, they will go along. That may mean that, come wedding time, actual wedding gifts from those who have anted up previously may be more "token" in nature.

I believe my mother had a "hope chest" with selected silver that she was given when she "came out" (not as a lesbian, but as a debutante, which, out of respect for the Great Depression, was a simple tea, and not an evening cotillion) at the age of 16. Relatives contributed items that would be appropraite for her potential household long before she was thinking of marriage, and it included a number of items with her maiden name monogram on it. I think some of it still knocking around............... All I am suggesting is an updating of that kind of tradition - done wrong, it is grabby, done right, it can be quite nice and a warm gesture - I want to help you give me things that we can really really use..............

 

My boyfriend and I are in a similar situtation.....not really from my family but from my peers at work and friends. The females in particular tend to imply that "what's wrong with your man....6 years and you don't have a ring yet?" They make it sound like we are doing somethign wrong by getting our futures set before taking the plunge. The thing is these are the same people who are trapped in bitter, directionless marriages. (not saying that this is ALWAYS the case....just speaking for my situation).

My boyfriend and I already know what our wedding plans are, even though I don't have a ring yet. I think the sooner you plan the better.....so start a registry if you want! It's YOUR wedding so the only rulemaker or breaker should be YOU! That way when the big day finally does roll around, you will be a lot less stressed and able to enjoy it that much more! Good luck!

 

Thanks, I will definately consider it. My mother had mentioned that before but I had never took it serious.

 

My friends that ask me don't even have boyfriends for themselves. One of Joe's friends that asks us the most is in the same situation as us, living with his girlfriend of 2 years. Next time he asks, I'm turning the tables on him.

 

Just tell them its not really any of their business. Easier said then done right? I guess you may have to be a little firm in the way you say it but hopefully eventually it will get across that you are not looking to get engaged anytime soon. It so weird. Some people think that a ring means you are more committed once its placed on their finger, which is obviously not the case. I'm kind of in your same situation.

 

Its a small town mentallity regardless.

But its the type of things you most commonly see in small southern towns.

 

i'd say just ignore them and make sure you don't get rushed into anything...my bf and i have been living together for almost a year now...but luckily my mom and friends still live in ct so they're not around us all the time talking about how we should get married or anything..

 

Wait. BOTH of you are too young. :killer:

 

what age is a good age to get married?

 

I dont think MOST men are ready to get married at least until they are 30. Women mature faster than men, so women get 26.

Just my

 

Well I figure that by the time our actual wedding day occurs, I'll be 25 and he'll be 29 about to turn 30.

Thanks though :killer:

 

Thats exciting to hear that you have found that someone that you want to spend the rest of your days with. I bet he's a stand up guy!! The way I look at it, the hard part is over, you have found your lifelong soulmate, partner, sweetheart, and best friend. The wedding should not be a big stress fest. Good luck

 

yeah i'm going to wait until i get out of college and find a job..what if i decide i really want a job in cali, or texas, or something and he really doesn't want to move...i don't see it happening but you never know...i think i'll be married when i'm 24-26 and he'll be 27-29.

 

Wait that extra year...you will be glad you did.

 

actually i agree very much so...

im giong to be married at 29, she will be 26 perfect!

 

Well just be careful. All that pressure is going to get to one of you. I've not a big fan of living together before marriage as divorce is more likely.

just tell folks - "we're on our own schedule, not yours"

 

isn't divorce less likely if you live together first? since you really get to know the person and what its like to be aorund them a lot?

 

Contrary to what you think, it's quite the opposite. Divorce rates dramatically increase when the two people getting married live together prior to marriage.

This page has some primarily anecdotal and more reason-based information:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html

This page shows more hard numbers and gives references to studies done:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...i5025b_qa.html

This seems to be a secular site (or at least it takes secular approaches to the topic), with a lot of good information, for those who are put off by religious/not-well-reasoned approaches.

 

The reasoning is by living together the couple has a "renters agreement" and when they get married is just extends that mentality without being fully commited to the marriage. Divorce is MUCH higher with couples that lived together. Just do some searching on the subject as it has been researched heavily by psychology/statistics.

 

It seems like it is more of a function of what your friends do or don't have going on in their lives. If you have already told them "enough already" and they still keep on asking, then perhaps they are so hyper-focused on your good fortune because they might not have so many good things going on in their own lives.

 

we werent pressured, just asked by fam members cause they like to go to wedding (big family)

 

I don't know if my answer is going to be something that you'd want to hear, but anyways...
I met my wife in december 2003. We got engaged in march 2004, and married in june 2004. You're probably thinking, "Met and married in 6 mos? Holy shit!" Guess what? No regrets whatsoever. I love her more than anything in the world. Even though we only dated for 3 months, I am confindent enough to say that I pretty much knew everything about her in that time that I wouldn't find out any "surprises" about her life. We didn't sleep with each other until the night of the wedding, we didn't live with each other beforehand either.
Fast Forward after almost 2 years of marriage, the bond just gets stronger every day. Our living habits are very similar, which makes it easy to be with her. She knows her responsibilities and I know mine. Mind you I got married at 26 (with a steady job), and she was 20, still in college. Our only thing we both discussed about waiting after college was to have a baby, which worked out the way we wanted so far. We always get the pressures from friends/family about having a baby, but after her recent miscarriage (not everyone knows), we haven't had as much pressure. Both of us are now actively working, carrying on day by day. It feels like we're married, but it doesn't feel so much different than when I was single(with the exception of the increased bills/cost of living and the fact that I come home to someone, and that dinner isn't made by my mom for me anymore). I mean don't get me wrong, it's a great responsibility, but I don't think it's something that needs to wait for college education to be completed, or even until you decide which career path to take. Like many that posted about it, I'm not so much of a fan of living with each other before getting married, either.
On another note, screw what the friends have to say, it's between you and Joe to decide what you want to do. The point I'm trying to make is that if you know he's the one, what the heck are you waiting for? Just do it! It won't feel much different than the way it is now for you... Good luck!

Eddie