mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

How can you learn to trust the person your with, after learning that he or she lied to you repeatedly? A true relationship can't be had without trust...so, is it possible to trust the other after the lies came to light? And how?

discuss....

Ken1997TL

It requires a big change of behavior (at minimum) and a period of time to regain trust IMO

AS3.0CL

/\

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Ken nailed it.

For me, I'm not sure I would be able to get past it. If I do, it will take a long time.

AS3.0CL

and

takes a while and a behavior change, gonna have to earn it back. thats if i'm willing...

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

I'd say I would be willing to trust again...I just don't know that I can (like Ravin)

So I was wondering, how would one get past that in order to move forward?

Should he be making changes in his behavior to comfort me? or should I be trying harder to believe the things he says as truth?

Ken1997TL

You shouldnt have to do anything different. Its ALL on him!

Don't settle or compromise. Preferably move on if you can.

doopstr

IMO is easier to just find someone else and learn to trust the new person rather than try to trust a known liar.

einsatz

Fuck that. People don't change. Move on.

Sorry, but my view is that honesty and trust are absolutely vital in a relationship. If that trust is broken through dishonesty (especially if it was ongoing over time), then the trust and respect are lost.

If you're referring to infidelity then there shouldn't even be a question - your relationship is over at the time the other party decided to even contemplate it.

JS + XES

iTrader: (1)

Fuck that is right.

Too much risk involved.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

I with you on the above, since it wasnt ever a question of infidelity the lines were blurred (for me at least) but the lies in general make everything into a ginormous clusterfuk of distrust...

Rounder

One a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar (in a relationship).

Infamous425

so how many girls did your bf cheat on you with?

Will Y.

I better ask, since everyone is making assumptions- what was the subject of the lies?

It is less serious and easier to overcome trust issues if one partner lied to the other about eating, smoking, drinking, or activities other than extramarital affairs.
Lies involving relationships with friends/former lovers are more ambiguous, while multiple affairs and extracurricular sex are almost unforegiveable.

Time and marital counseling may help.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

hit it right on the head with this one...

It's been a beautiful relationship, we seemed to be best friends sharing everything except that one thing. And now Im miserable and acting differently since realizing that he might not have been completely honest.

sasha

Lying in general creates distrust... One thing you have to take into consideration though is that your significant other may unintentionally withhold information or portray it in a different light, thinking that it's better if you don't know the entire truth. If you are the kind of person who wants to know everything but your partner is the type who thinks it's not necessary to divulge all the gory details, I can see why you feel betrayed.

If we step back a little bit here, what exactly did he lie about? Did he lie about the nature of one of his pasts relationships and how it ended? Or did he say he is not friends with an ex anymore and you found out that is not tha case? Sorry, but you have to give us a clearer picture of what you found out.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

That was exactly what happened, he denied being friends with said ex And I found out otherwise.

sasha

Ok, now I understand. So if he told you from the start that he's friends with an ex, would you have been fine with it? If you're the kind of person who cut off ties with past boyfriends, do you expect him to do the same? And did he know your take on this matter beforehand?

If it makes you uncomfortable that he is still friends with an ex, explain to him why. At the same time, ask him why he remained friends with her. Talk more thoroughly about this matter and work on a compromise.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

If I had known from the start I wouldnt have had a problem with it. The above highlighted text is hitting pretty close to home, it's pretty spot on IMO.

I havent broken ties with past boyfriends, some are still friends of mine and I dont expect him to cut ties either. I have however, kept a distance from friends (guys) whom my bf felt were only interested in 1 thing. In the interest of making him comfortable, I simply didnt put myself in situations which might lead my bf to believe that those friends were any kind of threat to him.

I even suggested meeting her, but he felt that my meeting her was absurd Something that again, I dont have a problem with. My problem stems with the fact that it seems to be an entire part of his life, that Im not privy to. his relationship w/her and her family & part of his family...it's something he never talks about. No matter how I try to broach the subject, he still won't open up about it...more often than not he takes the constant questions as accusations, when really Im just curious to know/understand him better.

FiftyFive

Honestly, this will always be in the back of your head, even if things get better between you two.

Will Y.

Ouch-- this is a problem if he is hanging out with the ex and/or her family without you more than once or twice without telling you about it.

Your guy has some growing up to do-- either he's fine with you being part of his present life or not- that includes meeting friends and not excluding you. I generally invite my wife and tell her who will be present when I'm meeting up with any female friends (my wife has met most of them).

Now that you know, is your husband willing to bring you along when they meet up? If not, I'd have trust issues as well.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

Thing is, his cousin is married to her brother. So his cousin's child is also her nefew. Im told that I will be meeting his side of the family, but it was never made clear that I'd meet everyone.

I would have liked the choice, as well...as you say, I invite him along whenever Im hanging out with guy friends (whom he also knows) he chooses to come with or not.

Whenever he has visited that family of his, he has never told me as much...no mention of it...these were the lies I started to reference. Many times he went out with the pretense that he was doing something else. I only found out through third parties (i.e. once he told me he was hanging out with his "boy" N*...I in turn called N to see what we would be up to later & N claimed he couldnt go out) at the time the bf denied not being with the guys...only now did I find out more or less the entire story & for the times when I was "suspicious" and he vehemently denied said things he lead me to believe that I was making a big deal out of "nothing"

I'd like for this to work out...I care for his well being more than anything...but my own well being right now means, that I need some time to figure it all out.

sasha

Hmm... it's strange he doesn't want to talk about his relationship with her ex and her family. Maybe a common experience/incident bonded them together so it's hard for him to cut ties with her family? How long were they together as a couple?

1StGenCL

I think it can be done but like everyone said it is hard and what is to say they have changed. I have tried and it started to make me become someone I never thought I would be and someone i didn't really like, distrusting and over protective. I became insecure with the relationship and it put a strain on things. Eventually I found out she was cheating again :-/

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

her family is also his family. She is related to his cousin's husband. her nefew is his baby cousin. Don't know how long they went out, only that he's known her at least 8 or 9 years.

I continue to believe that this isnt a question of his fidelity. I've held that he isnt cheating BUT it has crossed my mind many times, especially since he's been hiding this whole part of his life like some sort of affair. And Yes, this has turned me into someone I never have been, someone I don't like much, distrusting, and insecure in both the relationship and at times myself. Not Cool...

CiViCKiDD

I don't know if I should be giving advice (see the other thread), but why would you subject yourself to being hurt and disappointed over and over? I agree people can change, but it's a gradual process and honestly the only way a person will change is if he/she WANTS to change and is working towards it.

There are a ton of single people out there, some who won't treat you as well some who probably will. I don't know how deep you're in with this guy, and if he's proving to you that he's making an effort to change then it's a coin toss. Repeatedly lying...yeah I dunno, there's only so much disrespect I would take.

phee

iTrader: (5)

if you guys just started out and it was a fuck up then trust can be regained.
if its been a while and he was fucking up for a while then he will never change

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

Now, initially I didn't want to get too involved in all the details...but he's seen the thread and he thinks it's important that I let everyone know a few more facts.
-In my prior relationship I was cheated on (so I was always warning him not to cheat on me)
-Whenever I "felt" he was lying, I went as far as checking his phone's text messages to confirm my suspicions (probably made him think I was crazy & or it made him not trust me either)

so, YES when he finally came clean he admitted that he was waiting to tell me about her, and how she is involved in his life. Because he wanted to protect me, and be sure that I could handle it first.

I believe I commeted on your thread as well...but anyone can reply...that's the idea of the thread. To get some unbiased perspective.

Im hoping I can regain the trust I had...that's really what I'm looking to do because he is not perfect...but he is perfect for me.

Will Y.

Waiting to tell you was a wrong move on his part. If he knew your prior experience, he should have told you up front.

You also need to stop "warning him" not to cheat and desist checking his text messages- that will just make you seem psycho and will drive him nuts (as well as away from you), especially if he isn't cheating.

Maybe you can both agree to the following: he tells you, and takes you if possible, when he meets up with the ex, and you stop warning him about cheating or checking his phone messages.

G/L.

1Louder

For me, the key here which will tell you which way to go is...WHY.

If he didn't feel like he was doing anything wrong, he would have had no reason to lie. He lied because he thought he was doing someting wrong, or at least something that you'd view as wrong.

I think his answer may fall into two camps: he was afraid you'd react poorly or forbid him to maintain contact, or he was cooking up something on the side or creating a fall-back. The problem is knowing the truth here, because if he lied before you don't know what to believe.

Might be interesting to ask her, and him seperately why the deception and see if the stories match. If you can ever believe the answer, if it's the former (thought you would not approve) that to me is something you can work through. The latter - no.

SupaRookie

I think the question has been ask a few times in one form or another, how long have you been with this guy?

1Louder

^^ OK, I didn't read far enough. So he seemed to pick the "didn't know if you would handle it / wanted to protect you" choice.

So since your bf is reading the thread, this kind of stuff - regardless of his motives or intentions - is harmful to your relationship for many, many reasons. I'd never lie to my wife about knowing anyone or how I know them. At this point (18+ yrs married) I don't even have friendships with other women in the sense that I'd get together with them without my wife around. I have many women friends, but not "inner circle" friends if that makes sense. They are mutual friends of both myself and my wife. In fact, my ex (before my wife) threw us a wedding shower. But she and her were very friendly and knew where we all stood.

Sneaking around with other women - for whatever reason - is bad for your relationship. Always.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

I absolutely have already stopped both with the warnings and checking his text messages. I sure did feel like I was pushing him away for a while and that wasn't helping me feel confident at all...just kept deteriorating my security.

I've apologized for becoming "that person" who was insecure and accusing and for violating his privacy because I know that I've ultimately hurt him as well. But he's being very understanding. He admitted that he made a mistake by not telling me sooner, because this probably could have been avoided.

Thanks for your advice

He did say it was kept from me to protect me...I guess he thought I would react poorly to this information. From my understanding...soon as I am ready, I will have the opportunity to meet her. This may be the relief I need!

Again, I appreciate all the comments/advice left.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

I'd rather not say...I don't see how it really matters. We both feel really strongly for each other. So I'd rather not get answers based on well u guys have only been together 6 months or...this shouldn't be happening after 1 year together. if it really matters

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

This is what really had me in a tizzy. I'll say it again, so he can see it as well There shouldn't be anymore of that. I will be meeting her since she is a family member through marriage.

darksom1

Real talk:

Different people have different levels of tolerances. It's about what you can and can not stand. What you can deal with and be able to move forward. There is no rule to abide by, as relationships are what you and your sig other make them.

"I" want to be forgiven if I cheated. I never would, seriously, but if I did, I want to be forgiven. But I understand if I am not, as it goes with the territory of commiting such a foul act. ON THE OTHER HAND...if my sig other cheated...it's over...no exceptions!

Now, you may say that is unfair. Whether it is or it isn't, is not what the problem is. The fact that I can't or won't be sitting on the edge of my bed wondering what she is doing when I can't get her on the phone for a couple hours, or she comes home too late for my liking - that is the problem. I don't want to be "wondering". If I have to wonder, then that means I'm in the wrong situation, or I have security/trust issues. Both would apply right there.

So ask yourself the same thing. Are the lies something you can handle long-term, or even as they have played out already? Or do you value peace of mind and a sense of loyalty from your mate more? You will never know when he (him for now, but if you stay there long-term and then leave, it will mean the rest of the guys you come up against as well) is telling you the truth from now on, because your sense of perception has been tainted by previous foul deeds. If you can live with not knowing, then hang in there, maybe it will get better...maybe it won't...

But queen...first and foremost - be good to yourself and purge your world of the bullshit whenever you can. If you keep trash around long enough...it will start stinking. And some stink you just can't get out no matter how hard you try. It gets in the carpet, the walls, the furniture...your mind...so do you queen...

darksom1

One other thing I wanted to say sugar, is that lying is a poisonous animal. A snake if you will, that slithers all thru the different nuances of your relationship. You start questioning everything, fairly and unfairly, and you are never quite the same afterwards if the ground that you and the sig other have paved isn't strong enough, or fortified with enough goodwill and good times.

The practical call is to say leave it alone. But you seem to be bit hard by the love bug sugar. So it will probably come down to how much you are willing to hurt before you let go. Are you strong enough to put yourself first? At some point in time, self-respect and self-esteem will play a part in this decision...hopefully before its too late. See, I love me, and I will not stand for someone else not loving me the same way. Fool yourself into thinking this type of shit goes away if you want...but it doesn't. Especially since your constant forgiving of it, has emboldened him to do it every time he sees fit from now on.

I only know one part of this story...but this part says fuck him...

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

at first, the lies were ambiguous...they created that security/trust issue & the "wondering" feeling. It wasn't doing me any good at all. I was ready to be out at the drop of a dime.

As the lies have played out, I went through the gamut of emotions.
I got frustrated because each and every time he lied, I called him out on it immediately and he chose to continue the charade.
I got mad because that made me feel like maybe I shouldn't trust my instincts. And at one point he must have thought I was a witch because my instincts are spot on.

He should know by now, that the only way for me to stay is because he is being open and honest from now on. I really cannot tolerate the deception. I've been hurt before and just because I choose to be with him does not mean that I cannot change my mind...right?

Lastly darksom...I agree with the last bit, about being good to myself & getting rid of the bs whenever possible.

I also agree with the trash analysis BUT I'd like to be respectful of him here. He does see the thread and he has been very patient. We have both been at fault for different things throughout this ordeal & he is still sticking around.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

Valid points...I can only thank you for this now...we don't know how it will play out in the future. one can only hope for the best. The biggest risk in life is the risk you didn't take.

darksom1

Oops...didn't know your boy was reading this too. I must've missed that. Sorry playboy, but I call em how I see em. Everybody knows that about me on here. I'm not hating on you, but I guess if you guys agreed to spill it before the "council"...all bets were already off.

Hope I made sense...you know how you do...or don't...