Well long story short my gf of about 9 months broke up with me about 2 months ago. I loved her, had even bought a ring and planned on proposing this winter. She really is a great girl, but has some deepset trust & faith in other people issues.

I had just started dating again, and even met a couple cool girls. Noting compared to my ex, but still something to get going again with.

Well my ex texted me last night, saying how she now realizes that I wasnt lying, and that she was sorry, basically. I called her, and after talking for a couple hours I got her to admit that she missed me and down deep wanted to get back with me.

Here's the thing, she started dating like a week or two after we broke up, and I hadnt. It does bug me that she right off the bat started going out again, but I still want to be with her regardless of that.

We had an AWESOME relationship, and she basically was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Am I setting myself up to get beat down again? I still think about her everyday, and still love her alot, but can things ever work out after you've started seeing other people? I can be jealous, but right now I dont care that she dated some other guy, I just want to be with her.

Does this shit tend to never work out? Its alot more complicated than just typical bf/gf too, we work together and I have another ex of a couple yrs ago that works with me too.

I dunno, suggestions??

 

well sounds like you really do care for this girl if you were about to pop the question and i understand your hesitation to get back with her you should seeing is the reason you broke up is her insecurity while there is that chance that the guy she dated on the rebound gave her some real reasons not to trust or was just an all around ass so she is comming back to you for safety for fear that she will not find someone she likes more than you. i am going to suggest to give it one more try because of your deep feelings for her you owe it to yourself that if thats the person you really want then you shouldnt give up too easy but on that same not you should let your feelings for her allow her to take advantage of them and if you still have the ring you should try and return it to the jewler or put it in a safe deposit box because if you have easy accsess to it it will temp you to put it back on her finger to soon you should allow her to gain your trust in that she wont go running off again on a whim also the girl alrady has trust issues that wont go away over night but you should try for the both of you that she dosent have any valid reasons to mistrust

 

Been there done that more then once. I think my whole reasoning for dating right away was that I tried to forget things and hoping that doing that would push the guy away even more even though I still loved him. It was childish but you learn from everything. The only thing I can suggest is if you really feel like she deserves another chance, give it to her. But dont propose anytime soon. And dont punish her for her actions, as in dont ignore her/still talk to other chicks/etc because that will make her leave again.

 

I already took the ring back, and I'm smart enough to know that its gonna take that much more effort to get back to that point with her.

I really did love her, more than I have ever felt anyone else. I'm not seriously dating anyone else, so that wont be an issue. I just dont know how its going to affect me a month, 6 months, or even 5 years from now.

How do you go out again with someone after something like this happening? I'd like to take sex completely out of the equation and focus on the issues we had.

I really want to be with her again, but i'm intelligent enough to know that I am kinda playing the fool by giving in and trying it again after she dumped me.

She never cheated on me, never lied to me. Just got scared and ended things pretty abruptly. It hurts that she dated someone so quickly, but to be honest if I had the opportunity to I would have also, just to take my mind off things.

I dunno, we'll see how breakfast goes.

 

just make sure you find out what the intentions are asap. personally, i believe everyone deserves a second chance but dont go into it blind. nor should you go into it thinking they will always be up to something

 

its becuase you loveed her you should give her that second chance you dont want to regreat not doing then youll be woundering "what if" for a long time to come

 

Before you give her a second chance, you got to ask why this and why that until there is no more why to ask.

 

Is this person worth all the hurdles you have to overcome in order to renew a relationship and possibly risk yourself to get hurt again? If you love her that much, then take all the courage you have and show her the way.

 

If this relationship means that much, and that is, in part, indicated by the pain you have been feeling, it may be worth establishing a focused contract with a couples counselor. The presence of a skilled, objective "enlightened witness' may have a quick, deep and profound impact on the issues that still pain you, and allow both you and she to move into the present without the shadows of the past.

 

Am I the only one that thinks it's odd that a person supposedly in such a deeply involved relationship can start dating other people right away after a break up?

Did she go from your relationship straight into another committed relationship, or just date around to keep herself busy. I believe that if a person loved you - like you loved her - she'd have a hard time just stepping right into another committed relationship after your break up.

Just a question...

 

I'd go nuts if a girl i was with for 9 months couldnt even trust me. Fawk that!

Took her 2 months to realize that you werent lying? Fawk that!

 

Here's a question you need to ask yourself. Is she likely to do it again?

The thing is that after a couple months of being together, after the great dating stage is over everyone seem to settle into a relationship. Most people enjoy that stability, they rely on having that person there, and of course all the other benefits . It seems that aside from loving her, you settled into a relationship like most people will.

Sometimes you always come across a girl/guy that out of the blue, break up with you and a couple months later come back and say they messed up. I've actually had an ex say to me that she needed to see if I was really "the one." If anything like that comes out of her mouth.... really fast.

IMO when I see this, what comes to mind in this case she wanted to play the field some more, especially since she started dating right after you broke up. I think it didn't work out well for her, so she came back to what was working. Sometimes she may stick around, and other times she'll do it all over again.

So, again...."Is she likely to do it again?"

 

I don't know if I'm sounding naive or anything, but I'd kill for a second chance with my ex.

 

It's not naive if she was really that great of a chick. But, you're 18, and that'll change.

 

EurTSX

whats stopping you

 

Big on the comment of doing whatev for a second chance with my ex.

 

If you really love her, and you think she's over her trust issues, go ahead and give her another chance (provided she didn't break up w/ you just to go out w/ the other guy). If she makes you truly happy, she's worth a second chance. At least this way, you'll never wonder "what if..." later on down the road. I'd say you two have some rebuilding ahead of you, but that's the case with any break up. Good luck!

 

take it slow, don't rush to buy a ring again. See how breakfast goes, but from past experience, she probably isn't totally over the trust thing, so go at it with caution. Good luck man, sounds like u really love her

 

Your asking the right questions, but it may be hard for you to say no if she wants to get back together. From my experience (and others that I've known), even when your head tells you no, you still have strong feelings so you'll obsess about it until you try again. Unfortunately, it's usually the wrong choice.

 

did she say what the reason was for her trust issues in the first place? u gotta make sure she wont resort back to having those issues

 

Well an update of sorts. Breakfast went good, barely could eat anything but it was nice to see her again. She's a horrible liar, so I know what she says is the truth. She basically has missed me since we broke up, and just now read a letter I wrote her a couple weeks after we broke up. She said she just realized that she was the one that had issues, not me, and that she would feel lucky if i took her back.

I told her that we cant just pick up where we were, but we also cant start fresh. I need to take it slow to make sure its what is best for me.

I really do love her, and I kinda knew why it happened like it did. She got scared because we had always been the perfect bf/gf, and she has had some not so nice stuff happen in her past that causes her to distrust what people say in general. She saw that since we broke up I continued to do the things that i said I was going to, and she started to understand that it wasnt me she didnt trust, it was herself.

So I guess we're gonna give it another shot. At this point I dont really care if its a bad decision or not. I always felt like she was the one for me, and if it takes some rocky times to get to the point where i want to be, it'll be worth it.

Plus you know what they say, let her leave - if she comes back she's yours forever, if she doesnt she never was yours. It says alot that she is willing to call me and really lay it on the line. She's a really smart girl, but stubborn as hell too. I figured one day she'd realize what she threw away, but i thought that she would be too proud to admit it. Guess I was wrong.

 

Good for you. I also think people deserve second chances. You may be nervous about what may happen in the future with her but I dont think you should let it take over.

If she's had things done to her or happen to her in the past that makes her ruin relationships then maybe she should think about getting some help. She needs to work on herself, otherwise the issues are never going to go away and they will only hold both of you back.

I've been in a similar situation where my ex started dating around right after we broke up and it made me sick. But in the end, what are you gonna do? Maybe she was curious about what else is out there or maybe she just felt it was the fastest way for her to move on.

Either way, just work at it together and the best of luck to you.

 

Sounds promissing. Just a word of caution from someone that was in your shoes....take things very slowly. Don't jump into anything.

 

Sure, it's possible to get back together after you've dated other people. Sometimes that's when you know that nobody else compares. However, you probably should give yourself more time and space as she may just be clouding your mind.

 

Joe -- sorry this all happened to you. One member asked why she broke up with you in the first place. I think this "it's me, not you" story doesn't mesh very well. (It's also bad episode of Seinfeld for break-ups, but I digress...)

I think it's very wise of you to take things slowly. You working together with your GF could probably be not the best. I had relationship with a coworker (yes, bad news) that went sour. I had to quit because of how things ended ...

No one is ever sure if she's 'the one' (terrible how Hollywood builds this perception on people) ... but if you can imagine growing old with her ... I suppose it would be OK to see where things may take you. But I do believe you need to discuss why she broke up with then ... but mysteriously realized that you were right for her now. Perhaps I am the vengeful one ... but I am always suspicious of some people's actions, especially those who lack the Y-chromosome.

And to the young guys who want to be back with their ex's ... it's all about your age. Learn from that experience and move forward. No point reliving the past. If somebody hasn't told you already -- there's someone better out there. If that doesn't help you -- who knows how many people she's gone down on by now.

 

They're called ex for a reason.

 

No i know I have to take it slow, and i'm going to. I was hurt pretty bad, so its gonna take me awhile to let myself me fully in the relationship again. We'll see how it goes.

 

Congrats on the engagement

But really, you two looked good together when i saw ya. Im sure things will work out.

 

I remember you made a thread a long time ago - not sure what it was about - but you posted a pic. She looked like a good girl, and you guys looked like a good couple.

Hope it works out, you seem like a cool guy

 

 

From OP:

I can't help but to think she was aware of this and maybe she knew you had the ring... Maybe it scared her away? Affraid of the commitment?

I also know from a very similar experience that "taking it slowly" is also very hard to do when you re-date someone. because you already know each other, it's very easy to jump right into the same patterns again. Just be careful.

Good luck Joe!

 

Thanks for the advice & support guys, I do appreciate it.

Well we talked some more today and yeah I'm very sure we're gonna try again. It is gonna be hard to go slow at first, but I'm going to have to. I have to be sure we are getting back together for the right reasons, not just because its easier than trying to find someone new.

She said some stuff that really surprised me, stuff that I didnt think she was doing after we broke up. Nothing bad, actually good stuff. I just think she freaked herself out because she felt that something bad would eventually happen, so she ran away from it. We'll see how it is the 2nd time around, hopefully we both have learned from it and can end up where we want to be.

 

A friend of mine tells me that it'll never be the same. I can see where he's coming from, and Ive listened to his advice-- but of course all situations are different.

goodluck

 

well in reality i dont want it to be the same, obviously some things have to change if we want the outcome to be different.

I know I love her, and hopefully she loves me the same and we can work it out.

 

 

Thinking about popping the question after 9 months? Come on Dude detriot is not Kansas. Shop around a bit more before you buy.

 

I'm right there with ya. my ex and I were together for 3 1/2 years. He was my best friend and we were great together. I totally pictured me growing old and spending the rest of my life with him. He broke up with me and started another relationship right away. I have yet to find anyone I could feel the same with. We are talking again and he broke up with his last g/f. He admits having serious trust issues (with good reason, given his life), but doesen't know what he wants in life now. We have been apart now for 1 1/2 years but I still have the same feelings for him I had then. I doubt we'll be back together again because of his own issues, but I still want to stay at least friends.

 

Joe: Sorry for the late response, I've been fairly busy lately.

If she is the girl you want to live with for the rest of your life, then she deserves a second chance. No one is perfect, and as long as you are able to forgive her, I don't see why not. Do keep in mind that should you decide to get back with her, you're doing it because you want to, not because she wants you to. Relationship can only work if both of you is willing to give it another shot. You were hurt, so you will be more cautious. You are smart enough to tell her you can't pick up right where you two left off, so taking it slow and start new is a great idea. However, keep in mind the best way to approach this so-called "new start" is to be able to forgive each other's wrong doing. Whatever you two did in the past, you need to let it go if you want to start this one fresh.

 

This is a key point. I think it speaks volumes that she was a big enough person to come back if she is the type of person you say she is, stubborn with a lot of pride. She probably met some jackass who isn't half the man you are. You are the barometer in which she measures against, and you came out on top!! So at least know she knows you are the one with no doubts at all. That is a huge point. Having said that, I don't know how the jealousy thing plays in, but I guess true love conquers all obstacles.

I think that if she never wronged you in the the sense of cheating, lying, or misleading you, then you have not comprimised your foundation and can certainly make things good again.

Some things I might recommend are not making her "pay for her mistake" or rubbing her nose in it,... If you cant move forward without the last few months adversaly effecting you, you might be holding a grudge. You can't be bitter or resentful going into this rekindling. The slate is wiped clean and there is no score.

You seem to really love this girl which is all that matters. If she is the one, then you owe it to yourself to try again. I wish you two all the luck in the world. Keep us posted

 

I had bought a ring, but didnt plan on proposing until later this year, which would have been over a year into the relationship.

And yeah we are gonna give it another shot. Here's the thing that I am surprised about. I dont really care that she dated after we broke up. Obviously she loves me enough to go out of her way to say that she made a mistake, misses me alot, and only wants certain things with me. She is VERY stubborn, so that makes it that much more impressive that she actually took the pride hit and contacted me. I think that says alot, knowing her.

I have no intention of rubbing anything in her face. I want to move completely past it and work on the issues we had in the 1st place.