cambo

so we haven't seen each other in over a month due to me taking summer classes at college and her being at home. She's known that i'll be coming up this weekend to see her and not to make plans.

Well, she's supposed to work today from 1-5 at one job, be on call tommorow from 10-5 and then work from 5-1 (but being on call means she's probably going to get called in to work a double), then works sunday from 4-close. In addition to having to work when she was supposed to schedule off, she's now sick with a 103 degree fever because she's worked herself to exhaustion from working all day this week, then going out and drinking till 7-8 in the morning almost everyday and sleeps for 2 hours a day at most.

I'm upset with her actions as it really doesn't seem like she's done shit. I told her i'm still coming up, but probably wont be seeing her at all because i dont want to get sick, plus she'll be working most of the time anyways. I dont know if i'm in the wrong here or not, but i feel like she's done nothing to prepare for this weekend which was her idea in the first place.

We talked on the phone last night and she's upset that i'm upset because she's making a bunch of these mistakes and i'm getting mad at them because i'm being screwed by them. She thinks i should just let them go. I think she needs to learn that there are reprecussions to her actions and that she needs to learn from them.

Am i in the wrong here?

EuRTSX

You're not wrong, but is this working + drinking till early mornings a usual schedule for her? Or just this week that it's happened. If it's a usual kinda schedule, it'd be pretty hard to not do what you do everyday to get some stress relieved after a long day at work. I know myself and was in the same situation with you, vice versa with my ex. Although knowing that you were coming down, I think she should've made a decent effort to stay healthy. Work's something that can't be helped, but drinking till wee hours, that's something that she could've skipped for a week at most to stay stress free and get some more sleep in.

Python2121

How far away are you, how long have you been dating, and how serious is she about the relationship in general? How often do you see each other when you are not apart?

Whiskers

Ill need pics before I can make a judgement....

cambo

been dating for 1.5 years. School to home is 250 miles apart (rounghly a 3-4 hour drive).

When we're in the same area, we're always together and doing stuff together hand in hand.

cambo

this week its been drinking because she cant say no to people.

Last week it was staying in and playing final fantasy 10.

Week before was a mix of both?

cambo

I should note that her drinking has been because she's been stressed out and this is probably the toughest time in her life between her parents getting divorced, her dad not talking to her anymore, her dog getting bone cancer and is getting worse everyday, her brother pretty much dropping out of high school, and her family seemingly going broke (which happends to be why she's working so much, to help her mom pay the bills).

That plus the strain of now being in a long-distance relationship for the first time can't be helping the situation.

I dont know if i should be sympathic because of all of it and put my feelings on the back burner, or if i need to think about myself first and foremost.

GIBSON6594

What do you see happening in the future? you moving closer to her? her moving closer to you? Marriage?

cambo

we both went to the same high school, albiet different grade levels.

We both goto the same college, albiet different grade levels.

We've known each other for 6 years now, with the 1st being slight friends then 3 being really good friends, then .5 years being pretty much best friends, to the last 1.5 years being bf/gf.

She said she could see herself settling down with me sometime. I can say the same thing about her, but with the way things are going on now...i don't know.

We've been fighting pretty frequently for these past few weeks, whereas we never really fought before.

AdamNJ

you may need to have the mods change the thread title to: "My gf is a drunk whore that's been fucking some other guy just before I came home to visit her"

Who is she out drinking with until 7/8am? Doesn't she realize what she is doing is stupid? And what's the excuse for not taking off of work when she had a month's notice? (assumption)

cambo

she's been drinking with her friends thats she's known since middle school and her neighbors.

She's had proabably a 2.5-3 week notice about this weekend. She pretty much just hoped for the best when it came to her work schedule, but that obviously didn't work out here.

Whether or not what she thinks she's doing is stupid or not, i don't know. For july 4th, she has this mentality that if its a holiday, she needs to be drunk. Personally, i think its a dumb thing to think, but whatever.

ViperrepiV

sounds like she is going through a rough spot. I'd just go easy on her, but after it blows over, talk about it, and make sure she knows that she shouldn't do it again.

moeronn

Your first post left out a lot of information that you provided later in the thread. She is going through a tough time and needs to blow of some steam and help her mom out. You should be a little more supportive and understanding. Sure, she asked you to come up and should have been more available when you are there, but helping her mom pay the bills and dealing with all her stress while you aren't there is something she NEEDS to do.

So, suck it up, go see here without being a jerk, put on a surgical face mask and do her doggie. Everyone wins.

goose25

Whoa there Dr. Phil

It sounds as if she's going through a really stressful period in her life where everything is piling on at once and she's blowing off some steam by drinking. It's probably a phase that she'll go through and then get over it and be back to normal. If you're truly serious about this girl and relationship then be patient with her and do what you can to help her through this difficult period of her life.

doopstr

Sorry, this relationship is on life support. Time to pull the plug.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

OK....first off, I apologize for being a dick.

With that said.....I don't see why this is a problem. She is working. You are not supporting her. I understand that you guys are in a relationship, but if you are that far from her, and she chooses to blow off steam with her friends that she likely does not see all the time, you should not be upset. I can see your concern that she is sick and overworked and still partying like a rock-star, but again, unless you are there to help her through the tough issues she is dealing with, you are better off letting her do what she is doing. She will hate you less.

Add to this, that she is in her early 20's and speaking of settling down. Take it from someone that went through something similar....let her have har fun. Uness she is out banging everything from Joe Blow to a football team, let her hang with her friends without adding to her stress. It will save your relationship. Trust me. If you show resentment for what she is doing, she will continue to do it, but will also hate you for it.

Talk to her, but do not tell her she needs to stop. Let her make that decision on her own.

Mike 350Z

If she has a 103 degree fever now, I'd say she's learned her lesson. The last time I had one of those I wanted to die. I'd say support her and let her do what she wants to do, but if her family situation continues to affect her brain and behavior, I'd say pull the plug because sometimes fighting against all that stuff is a losing battle.

sasha

She's sick and this is not the right time to teach her a lesson. True, she is making poor decisions on how to spend her free time and it's badly affecting her health. But you also have to consider she is going through rough times. Drinking with her friends might not be the best way to deal with it but perhaps it's the easiest way for her to forget her problems. Her parents are going through divorce and she's working her ass off to help her mom pay the bills. Geez guys... give her a break.

Have a big heart, go see her, and take care of her. She needs you to be on her side right now (not just because she's physically ill but also because of her disoriented emotional state). Don't bail out.

cambo

we made a date last week to go see transformers tonight, but i found out she already went ahead and saw it tuesday night. She says she still wants to go, but frankly, i don't want to go see it with her anymore.

No dinner and movie for her tonight, at least, not with me.

IMO, if u make a date with someone to do something, u don't go ahead and do it ahead of time, just to do it again. Maybe i'm wrong in this, but have the fun of going to the movies is not knowing what to expect.

moeronn

Way to be there for her.

More like it should be changed to "My gf is an idiot for staying with me since I am a selfish prick with no concern for her and no appreciation for her situation."

cambo

I've made it more than clear that she can talk to me about any of her problems.

I lost any and all concern for her situation when she made it clear that she'd rather talk to her ex about it than me.

She doesn't tell me shit about = me not having to care about it

You can't expect me to be understanding about it when i don't know anything about it.

moeronn

You keep leaving out KEY pieces of information and expect us to know everything. Maybe there was no need to change AdamNJ's proposed thread title change.

cambo

lol

that would be one hell of a long first post then. No one would have read it all.

Titand19

Just get a goodbye fuck in and be done with it

moeronn

Probably not, but for the one or two people who would take the time to read it, they probably would have given you better replies. Is there anything else you're leaving out? Where does the ex live? Did she see Transformers with him? Was he at the all-night drinkfests?

cambo

we live on the same street, about 20 houses from each other. He lives in between us.


She saw it with her other friends.

He was at last night's drinkfest.

sasha

Other info will help us understand your situation better.

sasha

Hmm... are you ok with her going out with the ex in tow? If you are not, have you talked to your gf about it?

cambo

we talked about it. I told her i'm not comfortable with her hanging out with her ex, given their history.

She says its understandable how i feel and that she wont talk or hang out with him anymore because there's no future for them.

The problem is that they share mutual friends. So if her friend's are having a party, more than likely, he'll be there too.

Scottman111

My opinion keeps changing after every post I read.



If she's hanging out with her ex and talking to him about her problems instead of you then that is a bad sign. You and her need to sit down and figure some stuff out.

synthetic

Add me to the list of dicks:

You are truely failing at one of life's basic tests when it comes to romance. Hard times for one party should convert to "half-a-hardtime" for both parties. If you love this girl, you are obligated to take some of the heat and be supportive.

My question is, if you were in her shoes, would she be supportive, or she'd be just like you?

If none of you are willing to sacrifice a few hours of fun(sex, drinking, hanging out) for each other which seems to be the case here, then major changes are required to make this relationship a pleasant one.

I hate it when people advocate breaking up. You DO NOT break up your relationship before giving it everything you have. That's a major issue with today's world. The phrase "There's someone better out there for you" is one sick opinion pumped into people's head by Hollywood and the media.

Your girlfriend first needs moral support and second "MONEY". If you can help her with the money situation, don't hesitate. It's called being "kind". are you kind?

cambo

I've been more than kind to her in this whole situation until now. I've given her everything i got, emotionally, financially, and physically. Everything i do seems to be unreturned by her IMO.

Which is why i'm at right now.

synthetic

ok. now we're into details. Be honest.

You say you've done everything you could for her UNTIL NOW.

what changed? The fact that she didn't plan your meet properly or the fact that she hung out with her ex? Which one?

I personally would NEVER stay with a girl that has a close relationship with her ex. That's just a decision I have made. You obviously didn't take that path and seemed to be OK with her hanging out with her ex. What changed now?

cambo

Actually, i've never been comfortable with her hanging out with her ex and she hasn't really. In the past 1.5 years, she's maybe hung out 4 times total. So its not like its a weekly thing for her to hang out with him. It happens every once in a blue moon, we fight, she says it wont happen again, i cave.

What changed now is that i'm done giving in to her.

But thats beside the point now.

I talked to her tonight. I told her i'm tired of her irresponsible behavior and that she needs to grow up. I'm tired of being the one who gets screwed when she fucks up. She says she's finally realized how irresponible and immature she's been and that its not going to happen anymore. She's tired of being the one who fucks up in our relationship since i've been pretty much perfect to her and she now wants to return that to me.

Time will tell if she plans to keep her word or not.

EDIT: reread your post earlier and want to add on to my reply. I've given up plenty of my free time to make this work. I sacrifice my studying time to talk to her which in turns means i'm getting less sleep. She only talks to me when she has idle time between work and her plans for the night out. Its seems like i'm the only one putting my time and effort to making this relationship work up until this point, which is where my fustration lies.

Infamous425

from what you've said, her track record says she wont keep her word. dump her.

SupaRookie

I was in a somewhat similar situation. I was doing everything I can, but she kept pushing me away. I end up breaking up with her. The next few months will be very unpleasant for you. If she not working to make the situation a little bit better, it's time to jump ship....

SilviaGTO

ive got a question. You said she was on call.. what does she do for a living?

AdamNJ

i still stand by my original post.

UNCTYPE-S

Now that she knows how you feel, I wouldnt be surprised if she threw this card out; "I cant do this to you anymore. I dont want you to go through this with me anymore. It's not you, it's me."

Oh and for people saying she's going through a tough time right now, dont be so harsh on her. Family shit is not temporarily. If her parents are going through a divorce, father wont speak to her, brother is dropping out, and they are going broke. That shit doesnt get fixed over night or within months for that matter.

cambo

She's has a summer job at cheesecake factory as a waitress.