I'll cut out all the BS and give you the cliffs notes:

I'll be married for 5 years tomorrow (6/19)
My wife complains that I don't give her enough attention
I'm busting my ass at work, leave early in the morning, come home late at night
My wife complains that I don't give her enough attention
My wife complains that I don't romance her
My wife complains that I don't give her enough attention
My wife has been through an emotional roller coaster because of her difficulty in having kids (she had multiple misccariages, and we have no kids yet)
My wife complains that I don't give her enough attention
5 years and I feel like we have no life...we barely go out because I don't have time
My wife complains that I don't give her enough attention
I have no idea what I'm going to do for my anniversary tomorrow

Help?

Oh, just in case I forgot to mention, my wife complains that I don't give her enough attention...

 

Sounds like you need to give your wife some attention.

Seriously, take her away for the weekend. Obviously, since you observe Shabbat, it makes things a little more difficult. Maybe just spend Friday night/Saturday with her at home and then take her out Sat night and do what SHE wants to do.

This is aside from taking her out tomorrow and doing whatever she wants to do. The trick is knowing what she wants to do without asking her.

Good luck and congrats.

 

Ouch...sorry to hear about the miscarriages, Shoof.


Anyhow, as to trying to sweep her off her feet, can you take the day off on that day and just spend it doing some of her favourite things and ending it off with a nice bouquet of flowers, candlelight dinner, a slowdance to her favourite tune...?

Sounds cliche...but, sometimes, cliche works.

 

take her to a spa? b&b?

 

1. It is favorite, not favourite... damn canooks...
2. You got some good points...


1. Take the day off... doing that will show her that work does not take priority over her...
2. Treat her to a nice back rub or massage..... and top it off this time by maybe going down on her... this shows your able to understand what she wants and desires....
3. Breakfast in bed... shows that your able to take care of her..
4. Make the day about her, do the things she likes. However, If you don't give her enough attention, how do you know what she likes, dislikes, etc.? Sounds like a small problem.
5. Get her 5 gifts, one for each of the years you been married. Have each gift represent something you guys have gone through. Nothing big, even small trinkets will work... it is the thought put forth that will grab her emotions
6. Flowers in the morning wouldn't hurt...
7. Go for a walk and talk about her issues and concerns (and for the sake of the marriage, pay attention.... )

Aside from the above, there are lots of things you can do to show her you show her attention, but unfortunately you can't do them all in one day... women need that crap, so it is best to provide it in small increments... Good luck, buddy...

 

 

Buy flowers tonight and leave them in your car. Tomorrow morning, sneak it in the house and leave it for her along with a card/letter. Leave post-its on the bathroom mirror, fridge, work bag, etc. with short sentiments about how you love her and value your marriage. Women like these cheesy shit.

If you can't take her out for dinner tomorrow night because of work, then bring home some dessert and champagne. Offer a massage and take it from there.

 

So like...I can get you to really like me if I start up some cheesy sh*t with you, huh?

 

That is probably the best idea. I'm assuming that since you are busting your ass at work you can't really take a day off. So you may want to do a weekend getaway and tbh it doesnt even mean long distance. You can rent a hotel room a town over for the weekend and it will feel like you 2 are away from the rest of the world.

since your anniversary is tomorrow, you may want to do what Sasha mentioned..those are some good ideas..especially since she will find them when you are not around. she'll melt on the inside..ha. You can be really cheesy (but good because girls like it) and put a "coupon" in the card you give her as a gift. the coupon can be for a weekend getaway or some alone time for just you 2. This way she can give you the coupon when she wants your attention and wants to spend time with you.

definitely don't go the route of expensive jewelry or other gifts because thats not what shes looking for. the 5 gift idea is good, but thats not what you or she needs right now. she needs a little effort on your part. do a bunch of small things and show her how much you love her and how much she means to you.

good luck and happy anniversary!!

 

Hey, I'm a married woman!

 

Damn! Hmm...are you regular married or "Shoofin" married?

Do I have to take this cheesy shit I bought you back to the store now??

 

Sho...? I'm engaged and you don't see me letting technicalities get in the way?

 

Good points, everyone...I guess I should add a few things to your comments...

First off, "going down" is out of the question...She's got a degree in Biology and knows too much (bacteria in those private places, etc), and no matter how clean I/she would be down there, it 'aint gonna happen. I've tried convincing her many times, but it's not happening... Never did, never will She also doesn't like if I play with her down there either, she finds it to be uncomfortable to her. (can you imagine how "great" my sex life is?)

Secondly, another bitch to it all is that she's currently recovering from a miscarriage, so no intercourse either (Last time we had intercourse was I think 3 months ago, before we found out she was PG).

Third, She likes massages but is very delicate. I'm good with massages, too good if you will, but if I put the least amount of pressure, all I hear is "ouch" and "ouch"....Not to mention there won't be a happy ending after the massage either. a "rub" is all she can handle

Fourth, I tried hinting a while back to her "what if i surprised you with a getaway", and she said she'd be upset with me because I didn't include her in the plans

Fifth, it's hard for me to ask her what she wants, because it almost always ends up being "I dunno, what do you want to do" right back at me. She always wants me to make the plans, not her.

Sixth, she's into that mushy thing with cards and stuff, and so am I.....I used to be at least...I've gotten so busy, and there's almost always so much going on in my mind, I can't seem to find the "mushy" side of me any more. She also expects me to fill out the card from end to end, and I have no frikkin clue what to write, I ran out of things to write at this point being that I probably gave her at least 50 cards in the last 5 years...

I have a few other comments to make but she needs me for something, i'll add to this shortly...

 

^ Um...wow.

Shoof's got a tougher case here. Um, howabout instead of a card, you just give her flowers...?

And don't ask her what she wants to do...just spend the day with her and do something you know she has enjoyed in the past? And then cap it with a nice romantic dinner somewhere?

 

You need a short-term plan, and a longer term fix. This is an excellent idea - I'd definitely do this. Can be done now and on short notice. So go now, get the flowers, come back and read the rest.

Just for context, we're celebrating 18 years married in August. Been together 21. I've been through what you're talking about.

I think you need to consider two things. First, healthy marriages require time invested in each other. Absolutely essential. Not spending time together is the equivalent of not eating - you'll starve your marriage. However, this does not require hours and hours, elaborate plans, etc. Basically, every day when you come home, plan on spending at least 15-20 minutes talking. Not while you are watching TV or doing something else. Spend time and catch up on the day. It doesn't have to be big adventures into her feelings (or yours). What you talk about is not important. Devoting some undivided attention to her is. I know what it's like to work long hours, but you've got to make time for this. Just make it part of the plan, and do it every day. After a time, 3-4 times a week works.

Second, every person has a "love language" - simply put it's the thing that makes someone feel loved. Some people respond to words of encouragement. Others small presents, acts of service (do a chore for her), physical touch (NOT just sex...backrubs, hold hands, etc.) or quality time. Do some internet searching on love languages. This is the general idea (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/). I found this out about 10 years into our marriage and even then it made a HUGE difference. Why is this important? Because if you are say a "physical touch" person, and your wife is a "quality time" person, the way you communicate love is not the best way she receives it. So here you are being all affectionate thinking she's getting how much you care, but she's not. Then she tries to spend time with you (so show she loves you) and you're not getting it either. Once you know this little trick, it's very easy to make them feel loved. I found out my wife is a "gift giver". Problem is I'm cheap by nature, so this happens to be last on my list of five. So I never really communicated with her on that level - spent a lot of time missing the mark. Now I know, I buy her little gifts now and again and she goes nuts. She'll talk about it for days.

BTW, find this out together so she knows yours too. It's not a stupid thing to do - it's one of the most valuable things I've ever done for my marriage.

So, if you're wife is a "quality time" person, that might explain why she's nagging you. She's telling you what she needs - you need to find a way to meet the need. It's not going to go away or get better, so might as well figure out how to address it!

Good Luck!

 

Sorry I didn't see this first.....

#3: Abandon this. She may put up with it to please you, but it's not pleasing her.
#4: Gold mine actually - she's spelling out for you what would be fun! I'm a big time planner, so I know what she means. Planning the event is as much fun as going. SO, you approach her with an idea like, "say, I've set aside $600 for us to take a weekend away just the two of us - where would you like to go?". Set the stage by preparing to go, then bring her in on the decision making.
#5: If she fires back, be prepared with some ideas. Trip to the beach? Skiing? Bed and Breakfast somewhere?
#6: My previous post addresses this a bit - I don't think you've hit that area that resonates with her yet. Don't worry - I lived with my wife for 10 years and didn't until we sat down and figured it out.

 

Wow, shoofin. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're having. I agree with much of what has been written here, but what concerns me most is the long term issue. How will you ever have the time to give to your marriage under the current set of circumstances?

I guess the biggest question in my mind is how important is your specific job versus your marriage? It sounds like one or the other is eventually going to give, especially given your wife's additional (very real) emotional needs arising from her miscarriages. Of course the losses are affecting you as well, but it's not at all uncommon for the woman to feel an additional sense of failure on top of the loss of the child. Or to feel betrayed by her own body.

Is there any potential for you to change jobs and still make ends meet?

What is your commute like? Could you shave a significant amount of time off your day by moving closer?

As far as the sex goes, I'm very sorry to hear that as well. It's a tough thing to fix when a woman is set against exploration. I have a very strong science and medical background as well (including extensive microbiology classes), but no issues in that department. With all due respect, it could just be an excuse to mask other reasons. Perhaps reasons she's not comfortable discussing, for whatever reason.

Either way, perhaps you could seek counseling together?

 

Didn't you make a thread in Ramblings about get-away ideas a month or two ago? Did anything come of that (not sure if it was just a weekend get-away or related to your anniversary)?

At this point, it sounds like taking (at least) a day off to spend solely with her, without interruption, would be her biggest desire. Considering she sees how much time and commitment you put into your job, I'm sure devoting yourself completely to her would have a huge impact. Forget about financially, but emotionally, spiritually, and physically, can you see yourself sacrificing and separating yourself from work, if even for just a day, to be with her in honour of this special occasion? If you can't, I think it makes it pretty clear where your current commitment lies.

It sounds like she's been very clear about her current needs, and you've definitely heard them (she needs your time and attention). Think of all the people who don't catch on or who don't have it spelled out for them, and how those people feel completely dumbfounded when their partner finally explodes. You're lucky in that your wife has been clear and has communicated what she needs, rather than making you try to 'figure it out' while she feels upset and alone with it.

It's a great thing to celebrate a wedding anniversary, but I agree 100% that what you REALLY need to focus on (ASAP) is the marriage itself. Your anniversary celebrates just one special day, while a marriage CAN last a lifetime if both of you want to make it work. Be sure to put time and energy into every day from here on in, and not just a date on the calendar that marks when you took your vows 5 years ago. The present is happening NOW.

Have you thought about any life changes you and your wife can make so that you CAN spend some more quality time together?

 

Adding a few more thoughts....

Everyone has many valid points, and for the most part, I am guilty of not giving her the attention she demands.

Workwise, I own the company, which is why i'm always under so much pressure. I'm entering into my 3rd year of being open, and as most people say, you'll be struggling for at least the first 5 years. My biggest problem at work is, no matter how much help I have, it's never enough, because i'm one person, and just about everyone that calls for me wants to speak to me, and no one else. I use a headset at work, so I can at least walk around while I talk on the phone. For the most part, the phone is on my ear from the moment I walk in at 9am(it's almost as if they SMELL me when I get in that the calls start so quickly), straight up until I leave at about 8pm, sometimes after that. It's rare that I'm on the phone and there isn't someone else holding for me, if not 2 to 3 calls behind that either...Very Very difficult, which is what puts so much pressure on me. I don't really talk to her during the day because I don't have time. When I do talk to her, I have to walk away from my desk and stare at a wall so she has my full attention. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

As for activities, we are complete opposites. She loves the beach and hates the water, I love the water but hate the beach (I don't mind walking on a boardwalk or on the sand though). She'd rather be on a beach by the water, i'd rather be by the pool. She's not very athletic, and I am (or used to be at least, which is why i gained so much weight, because i lost most of my activeness). I ski and skate, she doesn't. I play sports, she doesn't, etc....I'd love to plan a ski weekend in the winter, but it would be for me, not her because she's not interested in trying, she's scared she will get hurt.

Bottom line is, we're both very different, but make it work because of compromise (opposites attract, right?)

I am 100% guilty of not giving her attention. She's got every reason to demand it, I just need to straighten myself/company out so I can find a better way to make my time more efficient.

Last night she got upset with me because we were at a wedding, and there was a song playing at the wedding, which happened to be the song that was playing in my car the night I asked her to go steady with me. She asked me if I remembered the significance of the song, I said yes, but didn't remember what she was getting at..You can figure out what happened after that...All night she was upset with me until I gave her a memory of the past when we were dating to see what I remember. Apparently I don't remember much anymore. I mentioned a bunch of things, but she wasn't satisfied with my answers because the memories I mentioned were memories that came up recently, so it was still fresh in my memory...Heck I don't even remember the night I proposed to her. I only remember the 2 most important dates: our wedding and her birthday. I suck..bad.

As I write this, I just got back from bowling, she's in bed half asleep. We are both going to wake up early, I have to deliver a car to someone in NYC at like 8:30am, then at 9am she has a doctors apptment a few blocks away from the delivery. I'll be with her then jump on the railroad to get to work (I left my car at work tonight so I can get home tomorrow nite after work, no car to hide the flowers in either!).

Ok i'm off for now....

 

damn dude i feel bad for you

 

Yep, and it never happened. We didn't go anywhere as of yet. Things just kept coming up and it never happened-yet

I think i'll do that very soon (and i mean VERY soon). She's a teacher, and today was her last day, so as of tomorrow she REALLY has nothing better to do. Maybe one day next week I'm just going to take off a day "just cause" and spend it with her. A side note, we spend all of saturday together, but can not do anything because of the sabbath, so we either stay home or by my/her parents visiting. In a month, maybe 2 sunday's we spend together. The rest of the time she's doing her thing and i'm doing mine. I think one day of the week, I'll try to clear my schedule at work with no deliveries and just not go in one day. Good idea...and I WILL DO IT!
I need to find a way to use my time more efficiently. If things stay the way they are at work, the only way I will be able to give her what she needs is closing down my company and doing something else that has more of a time set schedule. When you are your own boss, there is no schedule...It sucks...I suck...

 

There's some great info and advice in this thread. The love languages is something I'm going to look into a bit more, too.

As mentioned, I think the miscarriages are playing heavily into her need for attention - without sex. I'm guessing her conservative upbringing also plays into her reluctance to explore things sexually.

Back to the getaway - It sounds like you need to do some legwork somewhat on the down-low so that you can make some specific suggestions for her to consider. But present them as ideas that you thought of, that you think think she would enjoy and that you really want her input on.

Again, good luck!

 

Sounds like you need a new employee at your job. Just so happens that I am jobless lol. JK

Anyways. Back on topic. I think a romantic dinner will be sufficient until you have more free time next week.

 

I'm trying to see if I can schedule something tomorrow night, perhaps dinner in NYC and a show (I heard Cirque Du Soleil is playing in MSG), I have 4 deliveries set up for tomorrow which I'm trying to get others in my office to help me out with so I can at least surprise her and leave work early enough to take her. I gotta remember to buy/ write a card for her. She still keeps telling me that she's expecting me to give her a birthday card from last years birthday (september), and we are almost rounding the next birthday, so I need to have 2 for her, one for last year, and one for this year. Flowers don't work for us, they never do, its as if my apartment hates flowers, because they never last more than 24 hours here. She would rather me not buy her flowers because she thinks its a waste because the don't last... Maybe I just don't know how to pick good flowers,

 

Shoofin, if you make a valiant effort to please her in a way that she would want to be pleased, then you have done your best. Be happy with that. The anniversary is a reflection of you both and of the day of your union. Don't be sad if it doesn't go right. You know her. It could not go as planned, so you already know this. Just do the best you can do, and feel good about that.

Everything else is the past tomorrow. For one day, it is the first day all over again. Just try to have fun. If she disappoints you, don't show it ok. Just be the man and be cool. Take care of everything else and regaining momentum in your house and your hearts in the days to come afterwards.

Good luck man!

 

Wow. I'd find it extremely frustrating and difficult to be partners with someone that didn't seem to have any common interests. Now I can see your frustration in trying to plan something you'll both enjoy. I'm assuming you each have a set of friends that can fulfill some other needs you have (in a very general way)......some friends who enjoy winter sports, while she has other people who enjoy going to the beach, etc. But you've got to find some common ground with your wife so you don't have to rely 100% on your circle of friends to have a good time doing things you enjoy - things your partner doesn't want to try.

Why not sit together and dream up a list of what you would do each day/weekend/vacation if only you never had to work again? Get right down to the tiny pleasures that would fill your "perfect" day. Maybe you'll both learn some of the small pleasures that you can share together that you never considered (maybe they were too "small" or insignificant for you to consider or notice).

I think it shows great effort and commitment, not only to your wife, but to your marriage, that you are really trying to get a day off from work. I know it's just one day out of many that she misses your company, but it's a start. I hope you reap the rewards from it too, as working in a stressful environment, being there long hours, and being so busy, earns you a big-time break. ENJOY IT!!!!! Your company will not crumble without you for one day. Take a breather and refresh yourself. Have fun!!

 

Sounds rough. You're definitely motivated to do well in your job, and unfortunately that always affect the home life. IMO, unless you work a work a strict 9-5 and don't care about what you do, it will affect your home life. What I have found that is important is learning how to tell my job NO, leave those problems at work, and go home without thinking about work. It's been working for me.

Sorry about the miscarriages thing. They are tough. We went through one, and although it was very early, it's rough. Keep trying. Good luck.

 

Shoof, Shoof. What kind of message can this be sending to her?

 

Shoofin,

Reading your last few posts, you may want to re-consider one large issue: waiting to have children. Three reasons:

- I have two children 17 months apart. If you're time commitment is bad now, having a baby will make it insane. Really - if your wife is frustrated by your absence now, that's nothing compared to your absence when she's been home alone with a newborn all day. Take the complaining now and multiply by 10. I cannot emphasize enough how hard your life gets with a new baby, and if your work-life is causing an issue now, it's just a train wreck waiting to happen to combine the two. Something you and your wife should have a long, honest talk about. In fact, I think you two should be on the same plan - i.e. figure out a plan for stabalizing your business and freeing up some of your time. Then, time that with your family plans.
- Children to not fix strained marriages, they put more strain on them. The absolute #1 thing you can do for your children is to give them a Mom and Dad who are in love and get along. If you two are strained and fighting, that will affect your child.
- After 18 years I've arrived at one simple, absolute truth. If Mom is not happy, no one is happy.

So this is more long-term fix, but I think this would be a health discussion to have. Talk about your 2-3 year plan and merge your work, current time situation, and family into the conversation. Sounds like you want to be there for her - discuss with her how that can happen. I can't stress enough that if this is an issue now without a baby, it will be a time-bomb with one.

BTW, we have very close friends who went through about 5 miscarriages - one when the baby was old enough to survive for 3-4 hours. Difficult stuff I know. They also have three girls (twins too). Hang in there - make sure she gets the medical attention she needs to (this made a big difference for our friends).

 

 

+2 on the bowling thing. This sounds like me and my gf She complains too when I'm out with my friends or with work people at a baseball game instead of sitting at home with her on the couch. So you just have to give her "her" time. I don't know if going all out on a dinner or vacation or show would give any better results than just spending good old fashioned QT with her at your house.

And with the miscarriages, the human body is smarter than we think, and if her body judges it's not in quite the right environment to have children, there's a good chance she will miscarry. I can see how this starts to snowball with her now being stressed because of it all. But maybe if you take care of her needs more (just the small things), she will feel she gets enough attention, which will hopefully lead to a successful pregnancy.

 

1. The sexual, "going-down" thing was just a joke... but you do need to be aware of what she likes, wants, and desires.
2. Same as above.
3. Think of something else.
4. She wants to be included in the plans as a way to feel connected to you and understand you, nothing wrong with that...
5. It appears she wants you to take charge... so take charge and show some initiative, but this kinda negates point 4 above.
6. Herein lies your answer... don't have to buy her stuff, but the little things will make it so much better...get her the cards, trinkets, post-its, etc. Just show her that you always have her on your mind... Even today, ask her how the doctor visit went, how she is doing... to really show her, set aside from work to call her at least once every day. You make time for your vendors, customers, etc. make some time for her... might need to put the bowling and other extra curricular activities on hold for now...

I think you have it hard, trying to start a business and also manage a marriage, but things will get better, just have to work on it. Good Luck, guy.

 

simpliest things make women melt....

ah i need to do this with the gf soon... thx =D

 

www.whiteflash.com

 

your marriage sounds pretty terrible....in all seriousness, ever considered a divorce? sounds like you guys don't click at all...maybe thats marriage?

 

Shoof, have you consider delegating some of your responsibilities onto your co-workers? It sounds like you really need a competent second hand around the office. If you pass 1% of your workload off on each employee that's 1%X employees that your not doing. What is your business, as cheesy as it may sound I have some books that I could recommend that would certainly help you get some more control over your work dealings to free up some time with the wifey.

 

you know.. its great you own your own business, but what is owning your own business worth if you cant take time to enjoy your life? or your wife?

if shes going through another miscarriage, and youre never around, shes probably feeling very alone and abandoned.

How hard is it to cut your work day by two hours? close at 6. What could be so important that between the hours of 6-8, it couldnt wait until the next morning?
go home, be able to enjoy dinner with your wife, to be able to sit and talk.

And women can be silly sometimes. Maybe she feels like youre avoiding her because of the miscarriages. Ive never been pregnant or had a miscarriage, so I dont know, but I cant imagine shes handling it well.

And it may not be that she wants to go do things with you. It may be something simple like you putting everything aside, and holding her while you all watch a movie..

shes being pretty clear.. if you dont do something, youll probably lose her.

 

thats why divorces are so high. instead of trying to work at the relationship, people just cut and run when things get complicated.

 

A businessman takes care of his business. However, you are just overwhelm with responsibility. Maybe you guys can watch a movie together? Your marriage is looking very dim my friend. I think it would in your best interest to take some time off work and work on your marriage. The signal she's giving you cannot be any clearer. Do you still love her? If you do, make your gdamn ass some time for her!

 

If not, I predict another thread soon, about divorce, to be a "shoo-in" for Shoofin!