Hey, I've been a lurker on the forums for a while now and I was hoping to get some serious advices from some of the relationship gurus in here.

So I recently got out of a year and a half relationship with my girlfriend, let's call her Beth. We started going out when she was a junior in high school and when I was a senior.. she was my first real girlfriend, none of that puppy love stuff. Beth was the ideal girlfriend in that she was pretty, smart, cool with all my friends (initially). She was basically the definition of "a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets", in fact she actually took my virginity. Although it lasted 16 months, me and Beth always had our ups and downs. In fact, I would say we fight more than any other couples I know. But in the end, we would always kiss and make up.

Things started getting a little more rough as I entered my freshman year of college. We said that next year, we'll be together again and everything will be all good. However, as time past, I begin to sense insercurity and a lack of trust from Beth. She became more and more clingy. She became more of a "wife" and less of a "girlfriend". She would constantly call and check up on me when I'm out with the friends and ask me when I would come home. Keep in mind, I still live at home so me coming home from my friends would mean me talking on the phone with her as she falls asleep. She starts to compare herself with my friends saying it's wrong how she's my girlfriend and I'd rather spend time with my friends than her. This is when some of friends saw the flag and said I was being pussy whipped, and she was too controlling, etc. Although I think for myself and I do not need my single friends to give me relationship advices, I start to notice the control factor too..

So Recap: Me and Beth were engaged in a long and bumpy relationship, I'm off to college, she's getting really clingy and controlling.

So about 3 months after college began, we had a senior class reunion just to see how everyone was doing first semester.. etc. Well I saw one of my really good girl-friend again, let's call her Ally. So me and Ally got really close the summer before our Senior year of high school and we became the best of friends as we took every class together in the Fall semester. She's always been one of those good girls, almost somewhat of a prude, never had a real boyfriend. During the Fall semester of Senior year before getting with Beth, I was somewhat of a player, trying to talk to 4 girls at once. Two of the four were Beth and Ally. Ally and I got really close but I guess she was shy or something. In the end I settled down with Beth and the other 3 girls just seems like friends now. Since I have a girlfriend now, I felt as though it wasn't right talking to those three other girls how I did before I got with Beth. Well, even though Ally was like my best friend, she always has this mentality I chose Beth over her. So, although we still talked, she kept her distance.

Anyways, enough with the Ally background, back to the reunion. So I see Ally again at the reunion she looked stunning. Me and Beth just had a fall out that afternoon so we were not on speaking terms. At the reunion, everyone was having fun with the hookahs, hunch punch, beer pong, and shots. So, I figured it'd cheer me up from the fall out. By the end of the night, me and Ally hooked up. Kissing Ally was different than kissing Beth and I sort of liked it. So that was the first time and I was hooked.

Recap 2: Went to a high school reunion, met and hooked up with Ally. In a way, I sort of cheated on Beth but in a way not because we were on a break?

So flash foward from November to April. Me and Beth are still bumpy and I still talk to Ally from time to time. Back in January, I visited Ally at her dorm without Beth knowing and we almost hooked up again but she said it was wrong since I was with Beth again.

So a week and a half ago, I broke up with Beth for real. We've broken up before in the past 16 months but it seems like this time it was final. Lately, I've been talking to Ally and I realized that she totally changed when she got to college. I visited her Sunday night and found out she is not longer a prude and is rather sexually active. I'm getting mixed signals from her. I can't tell if she's interested in me or not. Is she waiting it out to see if I'll go back to Beth since she doesn't want to be a rebound girl? At the same time, Beth is pulling tons of guilt trips for me to get back with her like all those other times. Gurus please chime in anytime. Sorry for the long rant, I just need to get some stuff off my mind. *sigh*

 

Some reflections on what you wrote:
- All couples argue. I've been with my wife 20 years and we argue. It's not the arguing that runis a relationship - its how you handle it after. If you build up resentment - on either side - that's not good.
- You're at a time in your life when you'll change the most. 18 - college - the next four years will be very exciting. The fact that you'll change is not a deal killer for your relationship - however - when couples do not change together, they can grow apart.

I was in an identical situation to yours. I had a gf one year behind me in high school - we dated for 18 months. She was a fantatic girl - we got along great. I went to college 3 hrs a way, she stayed home. We didn't grow together, so we grew apart and broke up. It was sad, but it had to be done.

I'm not big for giving the "you should break up" or "stay together" kind of advice. Too much for a message board to be serious about it. So I'll give you some things to think about.

- Can you imagine your life without Beth in it, and that's OK?
- Does the thought of not having Beth with you seem impossible, or can you see yourself moving on and being happy with other girls?
- Do you think you'll ever meet a girl as good or better suited for you than Beth?

If you answered yes to any of those, you may want to consider why you're even bothering with the idea of being with Beth any more. Why toy with it. Why string anything along. Clean breaks are painful, but better than months of drama.

Don't know what to tell you about Ally. My instinct - move on from both. Too much history and baggage.

BTW, I met my wife 9 months after breaking up with my high school gf. You're 18 - you've got lots of experiences in front of you to enjoy. Dark will probably give you some advice that's a bit more direct and to the point on that.

 

Beth will not be in your future. She is not right for you it seems. Ally is hot piece of ass you want right now, but she just wants to fuck.

 

Indeed I will good sir...indeed I will...but first things first...

When you are evaluating your experiences with the opposite sex (gf or casual), work inside out. Meaning, identify what you like and need, then what you can give to the equation. A man must know his limitations...

1) Beth - Beth is not entirely confused about what she wants, but she is confused about what you want and what you are doing. She is insecure, but problems and distance can definitely do that to a person. At 18, oftentimes it is difficult, or doesn't even come to mind, to "put yourself in the other person's shoes". When you are trying to figure out what is wrong, then it's a good place to start. You know like, what if that happened to me, what would I do type of thing. No one here is gong to be able to advise you on Beth, because you love her, and you also perpetuate your problems, as well as she does. So that is left up to the both of you to decide, with any decent amount of clarity. Just make sure you assume the male role. Provide some level of leadership by example. Forego the emotional scene that leaves you both winded and "recycling".

As a rule of thumb for deciding whether to stay with someone or not, consider this:
1) Is this fulfilling to me or meets my (core) needs? Is this what I want in a relationship?
2) Am I able to provide what she needs and be there for her in the way she needs me to be?

If it isn't, and you can't, then there is your answer. Fighting persists when you try to fit the square peg in the round hole (read: force the issue)...

2) Ally - Ally is the fall back plan. The rebound. That is obvious. Doesn't mean she doesn't do it for you in the sack, but you will have problems with her too once you reach "real world gf status" with her. You are searching for emotional attachment. Someone to make you feel good about things and where you are in your life right now. Create a sort of euphoria. So, if you want to have fun with her, then go ahead and do so. Just don't expect much more from that because she wants fun right now. Not your baggage.

3) The part 1Louder referred to about me - This is texbook why I say that a guy your age should not lock himself down with one woman before he has a good idea of the type of woman he needs in his life. You really set yourself up for failure when you do that. Between Ally and Beth, you are searching for the right woman. So, it is evident that you don't know what that is yet. Find it. Find you. Then be something to somebody. If I could make the decision, I would say fire them both and start over fresh. But, only after you clear your head. Reset. Then go tear some "variey" ass up! Not because you have a dick, or are a dick, but because you need to learn. You will be surprised at just how many women are out there "learning" too.

Peace2fingaz

 

Thanks for the advices everyone.

Truthfully, I daresay I love Beth but, at the same time I don't want to be tied down and I really need time to myself. I don't know if you guys know what I mean but sometimes I just want to have time alone to reflect and what not. Sometimes I truly think that I am not the guy for since I have such a busy schedule with school, family time, and work and I am not able to give her the time she needs. Yet, I held on because I told myself that she's the one for me, is this being selfish? Am I just holding on to her because she was my first love and sexual experience?

About Ally, I view her as something that could've happened but never did. I find myself wondering "what if", what if I chose her over Beth back in senior year? I confronted her about this back in January and she said it doesn't matter since I'm with Beth now. But I still wonder all the time.

Darksom1, you mentioned emotional attachment. Before Beth I never had this problem. Nowadays, I find myself crushing really hard over a single girl while back then I could care less if all 4 girls stopped talking to me.

 

grass is always greener on the other side , you might not know how you feel when shes really gone?

 

Youre in a rut.

Better to get out of it now at 18 and explore than try and get out of it when youre 25 or 26 and realize its difficult or you cant.

You need to end it with both of these chicks and explore the possibility that your future doesnt need to involve either one. You say youre worried about the possibility of choosing the wrong girl now, consider how many other chicks you havent met you wont be able to be with because you are tied up.

 

When you have someone is when they all want you...But when your single, they can careless.....

 

What's up with that, it's like when I was with Beth, tons of girls are like "too bad you're with Beth" and now that I'm back on the market, girls are playing hard to get and exactly like what you said, they could care less

 

Your too young to have any serious relationship. The fact she was your 1st is also an emotional thing you need to get over.

 

This is why I asked the questions I did. Between the ages of 15 and 20 I dated maybe 12 girls where the "dating" lasted more than 3 months. I had a decent amount of random "hookups" too. So I had experienced, in some way or another 25 or so girls during that time. For the ones I had a relationship with (if you call it that), one thing was always the same: within the first 6 weeks I always developed a sense the relationship would end. I may have been happy, and often was. Enjoyed the physical relationship - enjoyed their company - all if it. But I had a sense it would end and sure enough, they did.

What was different when I met my wife that after many months into dating, I didn't get that sense. In fact, it transitioned to not being able to imagine my life without her in it. It wasn't about being best friends - I was "best friends" with that high school gf too. It was when I imagined my future life and tried to picture it without her, I was sad to the point of dispair over the idea. That's what changed.

I don't know if I agree that you can't know that at 18 - I had just turned 20 when I met my wife. Everyone is different. I think the complication about being 18 is that imagining your "future life" is hard to do, because you're in the process of figuring out what that is, let alone knowing if a girl is in there or not.

From what you've said, I don't think Ally is worth investing in. She was clearly second choice to Beth, so what's to say you don't meet another "Beth" later.

I think you need to fish or cut bait with Beth. Either she's worth making an investment in, or not. Don't hang out in the middle ground. She seems to be hurting or at least agonizing over this. You're not putting the kind of time into it to keep the relationship moving forward. Being at a distance is hard work - being in seperate situations in life is hard work. I think she's clinging to you because some part of you keeps dangling hope in front of her. I say pick something and commit to it 100%. Stay or go. Keeping it unresolved is only going to make problems for you meeting the next girl because you will always have this "sort of" relationship with Beth.