He is staying at home with a baby? Could be the stressor.

I still tend to side with whomever said he is getting his one way or another - internet and Rosy Palms or cheating. Sorry - he has a history and now won't - literally won't - touch you. When things don't make sense, it's because you aren't making sense of it.

I'm inherrently suspicious when someone's behavior changes - people are creatures of habit and we don't change those too readily. I wish you the best, but I think you're overlooking the obvious explanation and rationalizing with the trauma of giving birth yada yada yada. Given what you've stated your physical attributes to be and the fact that you're back to your pre-pregnancy condition (more or less) makes me doubt the "he's not interested anymore" argument.

 

I have to agree here, especailly the bolded parts. As for the poster that says a lot of times he's so angered about something that sex is the last thing on his mind...that's different than sex NEVER being on his mind, except for the occasional tease. I speak from experience here, as someone who maintained an affair for over three years. Tactics change (he KNOWS where the cameras are, so would he walk her straight up the driveway?), and he won't cheat the same way twice because the woman would be completely different than the first; I'm sure they're not twins.
As for breaking trust, I'll give you this analogy: we have a shared bank account and I don't look at the ledger to track my wife's purchases, but I have a right to know. YOU make the car payments; you have a right to know how and when the vehicle is used. If I review my wife's internet history, or cell phone usage I'm exercising my right to know. Only a guilty person would object to that, I say. Go out to his(and your) Pilot and check the mileage. Does he follow you around the house so that you can't get to the garage alone? That would be odd. Check the laundry. Does he change more than once a day? Is he "burying" clothes in the laundry?

Heck, for your own peace of mind, why not just ELIMINATE the probability of cheating by doing your research?
Cell phone records?
ATM/Debit card activity?
Mileage (he works on the deck 40 hrs/week. How many trips to "Home Depot"?)
Laundry? (Frequent changes? Changes in HOW he dresses? New style of undies?)
Lack of interest in sex is a big indicator.
Make a point to ask about his day, in a non-confrontational way. Have him elaborate on some, even tiny details to see if he can maintain "cover".

Babyfer, I am sensing a little hesitance to discover what may be an ugly truth, but in the end only you can make the final call. Just be sure we know clearly when and whether you want:
a. to simply vent
b. to receive advice
It can be frustrating to publicly ask for advice then not follow through on or resist the suggestions. I'm speaking as a man who has had an affair, and used the same tactics as described above.
When things don't make sense, it's because you aren't making sense of it.

 

Agree, "The worst blind is one that does not want to see", who knows, could be a
neighbor or somebody nearby, ..working on the deck full time.. yeah right, gimme a break..

 

i know, i need to really check up... we don't have a garage, the vehicles are parked in the driveway, the door beeps on the alarm panel when you open it, but i suppose that i "could be looking for some paperwork".

as far as the baby watching thing, that was only for 1 week, while mom was sick w/ the flu.
and the clothes thing, he did go buy some pretty nice clothes before vacation, it would be hard to tell how many times he changes, cause when he did work, he would usually wear 2 sets of clothes in a day anyway. he can't burry any clothes in the laundry, cause he throws them all over the floor..LOL the bedroom, bathroom, computer room, he's not hiding any.
now he can go back to looking for a job & doin the deck.. i think that i should straight up ask him though, cause now EVERY night he has to go to Lowes, Circle K, or Jack in the box.. and i do remember that it was one of his excuses b4, there would be a long line at jack in the crack or whatever..
i do need to open my eyes, i know that you guys have good advise for me.. i just hate to cause a fight, i guess that i'd just rather burry my head in the sand, so to speak.
i will i'll do it.... i'll ask, but i think that the perfect time to do it would be the next time that he teases me.. what do you think?

 

Nah, just come out and ask next to you see him. This BS has gone on long enough.

 

Well if he's really working on the deck every night, then he might have a good reason to run to Lowe's. So I wouldn't accuse him like that right away since he could brush that off very easily. I'd go with next time he's out like that longer than expected, say "so, long line at jack in the box, huh?" or something to that effect with a semi-sarcastic tone. Try to gauge his reaction to see if he gets all defensive.

Either way, I'd wait to blatantly accuse him of creeping, but joke around with him a bit every now and again about going out, being late all the time, etc. and see if he gets nervous when he's explaining it to you. Remember, someone with nothing to hide will have no reason to be nervous in this situation.

 

gotcha

 

Can't say that I agree with this one... I wouldn't play games. Just come right out and say what you have to.

 

That's what I would say normally, but being blunt and accusatory has aided in me needlessly putting my foot in my mouth many times before.

 

Being indirect won't get her anywhere. I don't buy the constant runs to the store. Check the receipts...simple questions like "what'd you get?" "why don't I come with?" "let's make a list together so you don't run yourself half to death", those will show some signs. The best, best one is "let me go with you" or "take the baby" because it cramps their style. IF he's gone for an hour at JIB (hell even half an hour) but he has the responsibility of the baby, his reactions to those two requests will be telling. He'll find reasons for you NOT to come along, or NOT to take the baby, but if you're persistent and CONSISTENT, his resistence will be a *strong* clue that you're eating into their play time togther. You need to check Home Depot receipts which should be time-stamped (who does the finances? You have a right and need to know how cash is spent, right?) so if his recipt from Home Depot shows five minutes before his return after being gone an hour, with 50 cents worth of nails, somethin' ain't right. If it shows he went to Home Depot five minutes after he left, but he's been gone 90 minutes, don't buy it. Do you check his e-mail? Cell phone records? There's software for that which will track his usage and send e-mail reports to your job so you can see how the PC is used while you're not there. Don't joke, don't kid, don't imply....research, fact-check, ask questions, encroach on his opportunities to cheat. If he has ALL DAY to buy deck supplies (how long's it take to build one anyway?), why the devil must he leave in the evening to buy MORE deck stuff? Logical question, right?
OK, I'll let some others participate in the thread. Has the sex situation changed since you last posted about it DAYS ago? When was the last actual time you were satisfied?

 

All of this stuff seems pretty indirect to me. And that's what I was alluding to before. These are all great ideas. The only way to be direct is to blatantly ask "ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME???" And that's probably not the best way to go about it.


Maybe there's a chance he's just realizing his true calling :theghey:

 

Babyfer, I dont want to come off rude to you because I know what you're dealing with must be awful and so I'm just stating this as an opion ok?.....

With that said, I just dont understand (and maybe ive missed something) why you won't confront him? You've been posting on here for the past 2 months about this......isn't it time you do something about it? Maybe you really don't want to find out that he may be cheating/ turned gay/ tired of you/ or anything else people have been coming up with. And not just giving him the loud sigh when he doesn't put out; Like an actual confrontation. I'd wanna hear it out of his mouth FIRST that he did or didn't cheat or whatever else and THEN go forward with the investigation if you feel he is lying.

Again, maybe I've missed something but I'm sure you wanna feel better about things again. Confront him.

 

That's pretty much what I've guessed. She doesn't want to lose the rest of the marriage, and thinks it is risky to confront it head on. Maybe AZ is a place where she can vent a little and get on with life. Not what I would do, but we don't know the whole story so...

 

I agree. I just did some of my own venting on another thread so I know it can be a good place to just go AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! But in the end, she's just taking years off her life worrying and stewing about something that could be figured out....for the good or for the bad. But yeah, no one ever knows the whole story unless they are part of the situation. I dunno......

 

That's why earlier I posted what I thought may be a little harsh but true: let us know if you want to vent, or you want advice. It's frustrating to say try, this, try that and continually be shot down. On the other hand if you're just venting, then we can be an ear and not feel useless.
I hate to think of and give advice for it not to be taken. For the record, there's not much marriage to hold on to when there's such a wedge between the two parties. Best to get it resolved or move along. Having lived through it for three years, I know it's easier said than done when YOU'RE the one in the hot seat, but it IS true, nonetheless.

 

True. Babyfer.....you shouldn't have people take the time to really try and help you if you're not going to DO anything....If you're just venting, that's cool, but you might wanna clear that up.

 

i am going to confront him the next time he goes out at night... the other day a friend was over so he didn't leave, then thurs night s darts, so he can't leave after that cuz it's like 11 when we get home.

i do apprecaite the help, really
i just need to wait till he leaves again..

OOo and the last time was the 20th of Oct. on vacation.. at least he hasn't been teasting me SOOOO much lately, so i guess it's not as hard, i think that he's playin video games all day, cause he works on the deck at night and comes to bed at like 4am.

i can't check his phone bill, he's on his best friends plan, so he gets the bill, we have separate bank accounts, and he spends his money for the deck stuff, so i guess that i'll just have to hope he leaves the reciept in his pocket for me to c when i do laundry.

 

good call. it's the only way you're going to either feel better OR begin to uncover what is hidden. good luck.

 

You don't see the signs?

 

Oh, HELL. Ray Charles could see what's going on here. His BEST FRIEND'S PLAN? In addition you're now telling me he DOESN'T work on the deck ALL day and so you have no clue how he spends his unemployed days? I guess the story is right there.

This guy's living the single life, dear!! I believe what you're saying, otherwise I wouldn't believe it!

 

If he's cheating , and you want to get back at him, let me know.

 

ooo ggeezzzzz, there are 2 ways to take that.. i'm gonna take it as you have a good plan of something to do TO him or something similar.

as far as the phone.. it's been like that since he 1st cheated on me.. cause he though he was leaving me, and they just contine to re-new the plan every 2 years... his best friend is like my brother.. i would hope that he would tell me if he saw something irregular, but then again , he knew about hs cheating the whole time & actually went out w/ them a few times.. but he barely knew me then.. so i dunno if e would or wouldn't

the bank accounts, same thing, i got my own after the cheating.. cause i had to pay fines for him overdrawing the account on me during that time.. so we have mine (that has his name on it for emergencies) and he has his own for buying stuff that's not for bills (like for the house & gifts for me)

i did think that he was working on the deck all day, but i know that he's usually sleeping when i call on my break at 11am or at lunch.. and i think that the deck should have been more done than it is for "working" on it so much. so i think that he waits for me to be on my way home b4 he starts..
his pilot is usually parked in the same spot when i get home as when i left in the morning.. (we have a huge area to park in, not just a normal driveway) so i don't think that he's going anywhere in the day time, and she can't come to our house, cause we have nosy neighbors.

it would have to be at night, so i have to wait till then to ask

 

If you're away from him at work all day, why would he wait for you to get home to go outside and work on the deck? Isn't that odd by itself? And having a brother and buddies, I can tell you their names would be MUD if they had let my wife know at the time I was messing around, so don't count on that.
As for the Pilot, don't forget SHE could have a car as well! I just say if the dude has all day to get deck supplies between games of Splinter Cell, why would he need to leave at night unless he's waiting for someone ELSE to get off work to go see them. I'm just sayin...
Good luck. I just use the old, "if it quacks like a duck" analogy. There's simply too much that doesn't add up, ESPECIALLY with what you added today. If he cheated on you YEARS ago, the phone and bank stuff could've been cleared up by now.

 

wow, babyfer, i hope you know what you're talking about...sure sounds to me like he's got something else going on, be it male, or female.

maybe you just need to take a trip to Canada without him

 

This whole thing is really F'ed up for something to not be going on. You owe it to yourself to know what's going on, Babyfer.


pics of babyfer :wink:

 

^^ How far to Lake Elsinore,CA? Have her switch off the cameras first.

 

 

ok, so i haven't asked him yet.. the other night at like 3am i heard his alarm beep in the pilot cause he was setting it... i wa asleep, and i dont' know if he left, or just had to get something out of it.. i've been trying to sleep lighter lately. Yesterday he went to go check out a lead on a job in Rancho Cucamonga, he took the Eclipse (the completely modded & georgous Eclipse, that i used to drive) (oh and he was of course dressed up really nice) instead of the pilot. could be because i have it really clean since i'm tryin to sell it, or he wanted to "show it off" i called him 2 times & rrtexted once, he didn't answer till liek 2 hours later when i called again.. his excuse was that he had to "go back, cause the guy was not there yet" and that he didn't get my calls.

last night he went to Lowes at 9:00 his receipt was for 9:46 and he got home at about the time it would take him to get home, (20 mins)
hehe i checked his pants for a receipt this morning.... hehehe

so i guess well see, next time that he's gone for a long time, i'll ask him when he gets home.

 

oh ya, i guess it's sad also, that i do love him, but i do feel that i deserve better, i have a lot of guy friends, and any of them would treat me better than he does as far as the emotion pain that i feel

 

Not understanding this is the biggest problem for people in your situation. As long as you remember that, you'll end up in the right place one way or the other.

 

Next time, next time....

 

Riiight...



Listen to your instincts, girl.

 

My husband and I do it at least once if not twice a day...and I still feel like it's not enough. We have 2 kids in the house all the time...7 yrs. and 2 yrs....NOTHING is more important than sex! I work the night shift and he owns his own business so that makes it a little easier...he doesn't have to rush off to work after he does the school run in the morning so most of our sex is in the am...which is great way to end my night!!! It's all about priorities and having kids DOES NOT have to be an end to sex!

 

^^ Amen.

Baby No. 2 is coming

Seems that lots of sex does give results.

 

Congrats...

 

 

It's also a lot of fun.

And Congrats on the second kid.

 

Babyfer, what's the latest?

 

ok the latest is that i didn't say or do anything over the holiday... i did notice that 2 nights ago, when i got up w/ the baby, he had a cup from jack in the crack, i didn't say anything cause it was like 5 am and i was wanting to go back to bed.

BUT.. last night he had mentioned going to jack in the crack again, it was like 7 when he mentioned it... at 9 i said i though you were goin to jack...... he said are you hungry i said ya, then i said since were on the subject, i noticed that the other night you had a cup from there, and that meant that you went when i was asleep.... then i continued w/ you need to wake me up and tell me when you go somewhere, cause what if i wake up and your not here, then i will worry, or if something happens to you.. i won't know.. he said "i'll call you if something happens" i said, your missing my point, if you get it an accident and are hurt bad, you might not ba able to..... get this.. then he says...
"MRS IN-SECURITY" i said that's not it, then he says, ya if i tell you that i'm leaving then i can't be with my g/f......i look at him witha raised eyebrow, and he says, you knwo better, i'd never do that to you again.... then later at like 9:30 i said isnt your g/f off work yet, he said no she's a stripper, and her name is Carrie... again i look at him funny, he says relax, you know i'm kidding you... then i say Karen hugh (cause that's his best friends g/f name) he says no and says carrie. i shake my head, (he's been saying all this in a joking tone, of course) then he came to bed late, and i said did you get to see karen??? he says carrie.. i laugh.. then he tells me how much he loves me....

we always do this "i love you more" thing, as to say that i love him more than he loves me.. he's always said it alot, but usually after i say i love you 1st.. lately, its been like i'm watching t.v. or w/ the baby, and he jsut says " i love you more"

ggeezz i don't know what to do.. whenhe did cheat all those years ago, he had joked the same way, about having a g/f, but before he ad never said a name.

sad thing is that i completely feel myself falling away from him, he kept holding me last night and getting wood, i didn't even act as f i wanted it, cause frankly, now i don't, i've been too hurt for too long, and his lazyness on not getting a job is killing me, i even told him that i might get a 2nd crap job to help pay bills, and i told mom too, she told him that i had said that, and his reply was ya, i know... shouldn't it have been NO I'll do a crap job b4 i make her work 2!!!!!!

sadly too, i've been talkin to a close friend, a guy friend, i had helped him in his previous relationship, so he's been encourageign me to fix this.. but damn.. i keep thinking about how nice it would be to be w/ a guy like him , or him..
i'm completely a mess now, JJ's sick, my dog of 10 years died, i'm tired of this job..
i'm way unhappy, it seem that the only time i'm happy anymore is when i'm talkin to my friend online..

i honestly wanna leave my hubby, but i do know that it would break his heart, cause he had a nightmare over the weekend that i left him, and he was COMPLETELY devostated.... even when he woke up, he had tears in his eyes.

i need help, what do i do now????

 

Babyfer: You have to be concerned about only 2 people in this world....you and your kid. Personally, I would not be able to deal with not knowing. I think you really need to bite the bullet and talk to him.

Tell him if he is cheating, you need to know. Tell him that you are willing to work through it. Even if you're not willing, I think it will make it easier for him to be open. To be honest I would tell him, if he chooses not to be opened about what's obviously going on, then you want out. Let him fight for you for a change. Ask him to prove that nothing is going on....and then tell him to get a f-ing job.

Think about what will happen if you don't. You're working your ass off. He's making late night runs to Jack. Doesn't seem to balance out if you ask me.

Good luck....we're all pulling for ya.