SilviaGTO

a lot of people are saying repetitive things in here...

anywho, youre a smart guy, im sure you can figure out smooth things to say to her about going to a counseler.

Just because shes perfectly happy and doesnt think you all need professional help sounds like her way of denying theres a problem.

Then again, she wants exact problems. I suggest, if she absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then sit down, think about it over a good while with a beer, and start brainstorming things that are bothering you, revise it, put it in pretty terms, and approach her again.

If that doesnt work, inadvertently leave this thread open on your desktop. Then shell get the message.

SilviaGTO

bottom line: she cant just blow you off because she thinks everything is fine.. refusal to cooperate is only going to make things worse.

JaredGMS

You're right, I'm not happy with her, but I'm not putting myself in any situations like you state. I, being a law student, am also a borderline alcoholic - I go out with my law friends and drink. This girl just happens to be a classmate. And I won't cheat. At all.

And please don't make generalizations about step kids and a step parent's feelings for them...I have been there since she was still in the womb, and have been a father for over 8 years now. For all intents and purposes, she IS mine.

JaredGMS

.

Mike 350Z

Did you ever think of going to counseling just by yourself?

JaredGMS

Actually, the past two days I've done phone sessions withmy school marital counseling office....they said "go home and talk to her calmly"....that worked well


I think I might keep doing it, though. I don't knwo what it's worth, but I figure it can't hurt.

GBockers

After my wife and I completed couples counseling I continued to see a different LICSW periodically just to vent, and talk shit out. However, whenever the topic goes to my marriage the counselor wants wifey to come in (which she now refuses to revisit.)

Point being - Pickles will probably feel better about himself and his attempts to reconcile issues; however he will not be able to get much on the marriage without wife's participation.

G

fuzzy02CLS

iTrader: (2)

Ahh.....That is a bit different. Didn't know the kid was 8. Damn, how old is the woman?
Sounds like you need to work out your issues as well.

JaredGMS

She's 25, and the second part was an attempt at humor.

fuzzy02CLS

iTrader: (2)

oh

moeronn

Ask your wife, if she is perfectly happy with everything, why does she have her "episodes" of yelling at you? Ask her if she can truly be happy if you are not happy?

The toughest part will probably be convincing her she needs to go to therapy with you, but you can't give up. As stated previously, without involvement from both parties, there will be no resolution. If you need specific things to get he to agree, then say tell her how difficult it is for you to communicate with her. Have you admitted to her that you also have things you want to work on in the relationship? Letting her know that you aren't blaming everything on her may help convince her.

I really hope you can convince her and that things work out. Keep us posted.

On a related note, did you ever adopt your step-daughter? Not that you would want to split her and your wife, but would you have any legal right to joint custody or visitation?

JaredGMS

I think the biggest problem here is that she doesn't understand why I feel this way, and she needs a concrete reason why...except I don't have one. I just feel this way, and want to get everything out there to "fix" whatever is wrong with me (that being how I currently feel).

JaredGMS

I never adopted her, although I was in the process of beginning (again - don't ask). And she wouldn't take the child from me completely. I'd still be able to be in her life.

And I'm trying to tell her that while it's her anger that really gets to me, I also told her that's its just my feelings and that I need to work on it so that I might feel the way I did before.

JaredGMS

We talked again last night, and we're gonna try counseling. She's convinced that now she's never gonna be able to trust me again, though. How that's gonna work, I have no idea, but we'll see. I think at this point my marriage has about a 30% chance of surviving July intact.

I don't think she'll be able to get over what I've told her, which is just gonna kill any chance of counseling working.

Also, she said that counselors have done NOTHING for her in the past, and she doesn't see why we need to do this, but if I want to she's willing.

GBockers

The LICSW will give you both food for thought; they'll ask the appropriate questions. One of the keys is to go in with the idea that you need help; keep an open mind. Also, don't hold anything back be completely honest even if it's potentially hurtful. You have to have full disclosure, and it'll probably suck at the time but after a few sessions you should have a better foundation to build on.

Good luck brother,

G

TypeSAddict

I have no advice, and no experience, my friend but want to wish you the best of luck. Hopefully you find happiness and everyone makes it through this satisfied.

JaredGMS

Thanks man

SilviaGTO

what the hell did you say to her??? you didnt tell her about the other woman did you???

there is no reason to tell your wife about her unless you did something with her.

because now youve 'emotionally cheated' on her, which is just as bad in her eyes.. and now you get all the punishment and mistrust without any of the pleasure of the deed.

JaredGMS

No, we just got her to calm down a bit and talk, instead of yell at me. I haven't told her ANYTHING about girl #2, because honestly I don't think i'd think so highly of her if I wasn't so upset with my wife (and you're right, I haven't done anything).

I want this to work, but I'm not sure she has the ability to change her ways (she said as much yesterday).

SilviaGTO

maybe the counseler can help figure out why she wants to be so stubborn about not changing

moeronn

If you didn't tell her about #2, then what is her reason for not being able to trust you? If anything, it should show her that you care enough about her and the relationship to step up and seek help.

As for her ability, she does have it. The question is does she have the desire and patience?

Good luck. Hopefully the councelor will give you both the resources you need to communicate better and settle things. Regardless of the outcome, I hope the result is what is best for you, first and foremost.

Always Dirty

If you have any intentions of staying with your wife DO NOT tell her ANYTHING about your friend. Trust me. You will never hear the end of it. Ever.

M TYPE X

Woman's got you by the ballz man, you should have gone a little younger.

JaredGMS

I don't plan on it.

JaredGMS

Yeah, b/c i'm over the hill

Water-S

first off I wanna say sorry to Pickles for you feeling trapped.
now about the marriage. I was in a bad marriage. what happened was Amy got a let go from teacher last year from teaching(because #1. she wasn't showing up to work enough #2. she wasn't filling out lesson plans on time) anyhow, we have a daughter together, I work A LOT of hours. usually through the week i work at least 40 at the fabrication shop. then about 20 hours(if it isn't harvest or planting season) on the farm. and on the weekends driving semi it depends on how many loads and where dad wants stuff to go. and this doesn't include time i'd volunteer at the fire dept training and stuff like that. anyhow all i asked amy to do was get a job. she was off for 6-7 months and she'd send in maybe 2 resumes a month. plus i'd tell her while i'm gone(like driving truck on the weekend) can you clean the house, unload and reload dishwasher, run some laundry, basically misc chores. and this happened more than 10 times i know of. I'd come home she's sitting on the sofa eating chips and nothing been done. I'm thinking "what the hell have you done for the last 10 hours?" it doesn't take that long to complete the chores i requested. she'd get pissed because i'd get mad at her. so she moved out filed for divorce. so on top of all the jobs i was doing i was also being a "house keeper" cause she was so damn lazy.
bottom line: it gets better with time.
yes i am doing house chores on my own but even at work they say i'm a lot calmer and more at peace with myself.

Always Dirty

Can a mod delete this post? This maroon has no business giving anybody relationship advice.

Thank you,
The AZ Masses

kurt_bradley

Or at least work in some paragraphs.

SpeedyV6

Ok. Here is the edited version
Most of the post was about the minute and tedious detalis of water's life. The part following the words "bottom line" is the only piece of advice offered in his post.

JaredGMS

Well, it seems the ship is sinking quickly. Every day I feel more like it's less her fault and more that I just want out. I have no clue why, she really has been great as of late......

feck

Titand19

you want out because you still have a chance to live your life....don't fuck it up. If you break it off now, rather than then, she will have less to take from you.

time for a new beginning

Big Duhty

Do what Fumke did and have an open relationship...You know be married...but have sex with other people.

M TYPE X

No no no, it has to be the fault of someone, even if the law is no-fault.

SakiGT

Youre talking yourself into this...

Stop thinking. Go see a counselor before you do anything rash.

JaredGMS

It's not about the sex...our sex life is great.

JaredGMS

Perhaps I am, but I feel more comfortable with my position after thinking about it than I have since this thing started. I think I may have been looking for a problem with her, when it's been a problem with my perception of the relationship all along...

And I am seeing a therapist, twice a week.

JaredGMS

Someone get this kid a bottle of vicoden and a fifth of jack, please. Put the rest of us out of our misery.....

TypeSAddict

Personally or a marriage therapist?

If it's solo, how do you like it? I'm considering looking into something like that....I've pretty much convinced myself that I have a variety of anxiety disorders. I just don't know if I could deal with spilling my guts to a stranger, and honestly doubt how effective that approach would even be.

JaredGMS

Personally, but she is a marriage therapist.

And you'd be surprised how helpful just talking it out can be

Shoofin

I didn't read every post in this thread, I skimmed through most of it, but there is one thing that I noticed was not mentioned. I'm sure this happens often, some women may express it, and some may not.

My wife gets the way you said your wife is when she doesn't get any attention from me. I've been very involved in my business, so my wife doesn't see me during the week a whole lot. When we are together, she wants to be with me as much as she can before the week starts over because she knows that i won't be around to give her attention.

She's coping with my busy-ness, because I'm doing it for both of us. She tries to help when she can, and that's that. My only complaint to you is that you're hanging around with other people when your wife should be with you too! Having intense conversations with someone else, you should be having the conversations with your wife instead!

Try giving her more attention and see if that makes a difference. You'll never find someone perfect, I'm sure you would find many things in other people that would attract you more to them than your wife, but you love her for who she is and what she has (and had) to offer. It might not have sounded right written, but unless you have non-stop fights and arguments, you don't seem to be in such a bad position. Good Luck!