nokiaman

My oldest sister Laura passed away from a cancer two years ago.She left behind an orphanated teenager Trevor.It was a very sad moment but I've moved on and accepted what life had decided.Trevor's dad ran away the moment he was born some 17 years ago. When he's mom died it was either foster care or the family to take care of him.My wife wasn't real fond about the idea but I decided to take care of him and he know lives in our house.The first six months were good, it's only after that he started "acting up".The problems came slowly one after the other.First,the dogs had found an important quantity of weed in his locker.He was brought home twice by the police because of bushes parties. He would bring his friends sleepover without notice and I would just let it slip thinking it was temporary.I tried to talk to him and he ran away from the house for three days.I'm fully aware I'm not his dad and let's face it I have only 11 years more than him.As me and my wife work full time,we cannot completely keep an eye on him all the time,but I cannot count the number of times the school has called me to tell me he was either skipping or never showed up.Lately,he's been taking my 335i and my wife's car without permission a lot.He does have his driving licence but people from my street have been complaining he drives way too fast.Now, I only have a 2 year old boy and that's about all experience I have in parenting.Sleepless nights have now became frequent that I worry and do not want to see him fail whatsoever.I don't want him out of my house but my wife has been complaining to me alot lately that she can't stand this anymore.I'm afraid he will run away again if I try to talk to him.Please help a desesperated man and his wife.

miner

A swift trip to a 'boot camp' or Outward Bound may wake him up. CPS will be able to help there. Sounds like you and your wife are doing all you can for him. Don't let htis wreck your family/marriage. If he does not want to play by your rules then time he finds out what life is really like.

CGTSX2004

iTrader: (1)

I would say that before you resort to a "boot camp" or similar place, take him to see a counselor. His school can probably recommend one. It's a tough time in his life (high school is easy for few) and he may be lashing out because he just does not know what to do, combined with the internalized grief of losing his mother. Have him try a few sessions with a counselor and see if any progress is made. If not, then its off to "boot camp" he goes...

Oh, and it might be time to start locking up the keys to the cars because if he's as unstable as you say, you never know when he may smash up one of your cars out of carelessness about you'll get stuck with the bill.

MightySemen

Just be real with him... Come at him 1 time settled and NOT as a lecture but more as a plead. My father did this with me and my brother when we were younger.. nothing works better. YOU JUS GOTTA BE REAL. Thats IT. Explain to him the situation you're in and what you're trying to do for him. I would never recommend paying someone else to forcefully parent a child, it only shows two thing... 1. you cant do it and 2. you dont give a fuck enough to put time into doing it. All of you should jus sit down and talk everything out. Talk about work, school, weed, losing his parents, taking cars, future plans, etc.

And when talkin about his fuck ups try not to talk down to him about it.... Well... Maybe a lil bit so he knows hes fucking up lol. Sometimes man lettin all your guards down and being open/real with a person can be the best way to do things. You might get stomped on for a lil but thas only cuz he still has HIS guard up. Gotta show him its ok to let it down for you and your wife, because you guys are all he has left. Why treat the last lil bit in your life like shyt?... Hope this helps pimp.

Titand19

I think you should bitch slap him, cause that's what he sounds like. Then tell him if he wants to be shit in life he better learn to follow rules and get a good job. Then if he doesn't listen, pull a 7 foot black man out of the closet and show him his fate. He'll wise up.

MightySemen

Damn boy!! Talk about scared straight! LMAO... Hey man whatever works works. Everybodies different.

nokiaman

Thanks for the input guys I'll try to talk to him tonight when my wife gets home.She's more stressed about this too since she has 22 hours shift at the hospital(Intern in cardiology)So this better work. Hope it works because at the point where i'm at right now there is no other solutions

DRM600

boot his ass out of the house when he's 18 if he doens't clean his act up. if he thinks he's a man, he can take care of himself like one. he can find a roof, money and food on his own.



my mom knew someone who's teenage son was a little shit. when he turned 18, his dad had a little talk with him. he asked his son to empty his pockets out. he said: "see that money, i gave that to you." "the clothes you have on, i bought those for you. the house you live in, it's mine. i want you to leave right now and i'll let you walk out of here with the clothes of mine that you have on."

txathlete

Put some gloves on and beat his ass in the ring. He doesn't have to like you, he just needs to respect you. And when he's 18, kick his ass out. Tough love is great.

@cUr@-TL

As suggested, I would simply sit down with him and tell him straight up what's happening. There's no need to be gentle.

He has to know what's up now. Tell him he has to obey the rules or he's out. If he's wise enough he'll make the right decision.

He has to understand that you and your wife do NOT have to go through all this and that what you are doing for him is extraordinary. He should consider it.

mfkitson

17 is hard for any kid. One that lost his Mother is really in trouble. He needs good professional help now. He will resist this at first, but make it happen.

The advice here has been good. Get him someone to talk to, be real with him, make sure he understands your point of view and your situation. DO NOT lecture, he just won't hear that anyway. It sounds like he needs some direction and some discipline, but take that slowly, if you gain his trust the rest will come naturally.

The best thing to do with any kid that age is be consistent. Don't give up on him...

yohan81718

from reading your original post, i'm not sure if you can expect things to work right away.. seems like it's a problem that will take a long time to resolve..
if you are really willing to take a good care of him, be patient and take one step at a time..

nokiaman

I tried to talk with him yesterday with my wife.I did not lecture him as you mentionned but I tried to explain how me and my wife did not owe him anything. I told him he weither had a choice to be sent to boot camp,to walk through the front door right now or to grow up.He started smiling during my whole ''speech'' and there I got fed up.I told him if you dont change then get the fucka out of my house.I'm here to help,my wife and even a counsellor would be ready to help.The first words that came out of his mouth were that his dad tried to talk to him after his mother's death .No need to mention I was utterly shocked and then I talked to him about it asking why he's been acting the way he was,telling me that this is not the Trevor I used to play baseball with.He started crying saying he misses his mother(The kid looks exactly like his mom) so me and my wife went along(crying).I felt that he was insecure about where he is and where he wants to be.I took a week off in July to stay with him.If everything keeps going the way they are,we're off to a good solution. Thanks AZine

davenlei

Don't give up on him. I kinda know where he is coming from. I lost my dad when I was a kid and it was very hard to deal with.
Losing a parent when you are still very young is incredibly hard. It makes you feel so vulnerable and realize that everything you cherish the most can disappear in an instant with nothing to fall back on for emotional support. It is a real hard pill to swallow.
He will have problems thru ought his young adult years (if he is anything like I was) but will gain a lot of insight and inner strength as he matures (if he does not screw his life up first).
Just realize that to heal his open wound from losing his mother, he may never get super close with you and your wife emotionally. He will learn to try to protect himself from experiencing that level of pain ever again.

phipark

A lady her at work has the same problem, maybe a little worse, with her step-son. They eventually put their foot down and called DFS (Division of Family Services). He kept acting up, even when the cops were called. Eventually, the courts ordered him to some strict detention facility with some even worse juveniles. I think he might have learned his lesson.

lembowski

iTrader: (1)

hard call, please use spaces after periods that hurt to read

nokiaman

sorry I'm at work so in a hurry!

yohan81718

Most importantly, there must be love behind all this.. without it, at some point, everything will fall apart

Good luck! Keep us updated!!

sasha

Glad to hear that you took the initiative to talk to your nephew and he let you see the vulnerable side of him. Alway remember that he's young, lost, deeply hurt by the loss of the only parent he knew, and in need of someone who can give him direction. You and your wife will have your hands full, but I hope that years from now, you'll look back and feel like you have gained a son.

You guys are off to a good start now that you decided to be open with one another. I sincerely hope you will be able to give him the support he needs. Good luck!

1Louder

You know, my first reaction was that a kid who's father ran out and mother died is going to have a very hard time - being 17 won't make it any easier. So a lot of issues you inherited, and probably cannot fix right away.

My simple advice would be consistency and set boundaries. You've made a sacrifice to take him in. If he's going to stay, he follows your rules. If not, he can move out and be on his own. I wouldn't go the whole "boot camp" route unless you mean it. I'd stick to simple, practical and genuine alternatives. No need to be angry, no need for drama. It's this way, or he can begin his adult life early and be on his own.

He's been hurt, he's been delt a tragic blow no one would wish on anyone. But taking it out on your is not an alternative. I wish you and your nephew all the best.

GINge!

He's 17?

You're in Ottawa?

http://www.cyberus.ca/~ggfg/recruit.htm

wasupdog

iTrader: (2)

what a tricky situation. good luck to u

furious1smitul

Hats off to you and your wife for taking him in and truly being concerned for his well-being.

My advice, is to really get counseling no matter what... The kid has been through a lot and I cannot imagine how messed up I would be if my mom, practically the only direct family, just past away. Therefore, regardless of your conversations, it is going to take a lot to get him back on track and he's going to need some professional help

asianspec

iTrader: (1)

+1 rep points and respect to you. i don't have any doubt that you couldve handled that situation any better. If i were in that situation i wouldn't know what to do. hopefully when trevor become older he will realize what sacrifices that you have done for him. oh yea if he acts up again then send him to boot camp. here we send them to Maury instead of Jerry.

nokiaman

about the Maury show.

nokiaman

I am deeply touched with the help you guys have given me.I don't need to say more I hope you understand I mean this with my heart.We're trying to take this one step at a time. .This is why I love AZ.I've been thinking to mention something about his dad though and the men keeps trying to contact him.The man literally disgusts me and I don't have to do anything with him but I dunno I'm feeling like I'm kinda concerned this is wrong coming back suddenly like this after18years

furious1smitul

Let that decision by your nephew's not yours on whether or not he wants to be in touch with his dad.

nokiaman

True that. Thanks

asianspec

iTrader: (1)

i second that. Its really up to him. if i were him id say "fuck him" . You have been the closest thing to a father figure like to him, so he should give you some respect, including your wife.

F23A4

No question, raising teens under the best of circumstances is a HUGE undertaking, let alone in your circumstance (i.e.: death of mother, assuming guardianship late in teens, etc,...). But his tears during your talk with him make for an IMPORTANT step in the healing and maturing process. And understand, it really will be a process that may/will extend beyond the age of majority (18). So, be prepared to go the distance with him, however long that may be.

We are raising two teens (16 y/o son and 15 y/o daughter) and it has fairly unhappy experience for all involved. Though my son can be a PITA, he is pretty much what I expected from a teen boy (with the addition of more laziness than I anticpated). My daughter is the one who is on the fringe of being out of control: associating with dregs of her peer group, rejection of our values while retaining full knowledge thereof, etc,... (I really hope that our 3 month old is different for the better by her teen years but, she already seems to have a 'strong will'. )

It does seem that love, care and patience (something I and my wife have NEVER been good at) really can work if given the chance.

davenlei, good post.