My girlfriend is 23. She has some serious dependency/insecurity issues and she drinks to try to forget her problems, the only problem is, it makes them 10 times worse. She takes medication, but it's clear by the way she acts when I'm not around that she is extremely unhappy with herself and life in general.

I really want to help her, and I think the next option for her would be to go talk to someone, like a therapist or counselor. I had to go to a therapist a couple of years ago and it cleared up a lot of issues for me. She is completely against the idea. She doesn't think that anyone can help her.

I know it's impossible to change the way someone thinks...
Can you offer any suggestions?

 

ouch.

"you can lead the horse to water, but you cant make him...................." I think you know the rest.

 

what kind of medication does she take?
does she act differently when she has had too much to drink? violent? mean?

can you elaborate on her dependency/insecurity issues? why do you think she feels those ways, and how does she act when you're not around?

i will say that it is difficult to get people to voluntarily walk into a counselors office. they feel forced, nervous, looked down on, threatened, etc...all kinds of emotions race over you.

 

What kind of meds is she on? Is it something from a general practitioner / medical doctor? Has she seen a therapist / psychiatrist before? Is that where the meds came from?

If so maybe she hasn't seen any benefit to talking to them and as a result is reluctant to try again. Just because someone is a therapist / shrink doesn't mean that they'll work well with anyone. Finding one that you work well with sometimes takes time.

The alcohol / drinking thing sucks but it's typical for people to reach out for something to mask any emotional pain they feel. And alcohol does that well and it's easy to get. Plus it's legal. Rarely is the alcohol the problem though - it's just masking what the real problem is. Unfortunately if the root cause is not dealt with then the alcohol becomes a problem too. I've often seen people wonder why their lives don't miraculously get better when they quit drinking. Very often, they get worse... without alcohol they are forced to deal with the feelings and that can make them angry and frustrated.

Forget trying to convince her that she needs to see someone. Instead maybe try asking leading questions to help her reach that conclusion herself. If you drag her to the water hole she'll stand there stubbornly with a negative attitude. If you ask her if she knows where the water hole is, maybe she'll go on her own. Maybe offer to go see someone with her?

 

Hey Nate!

Is she at home or abroad with you?

 

Since you've already tried talking to her about it, I think the best thing you can do now is make the path to a therapist easier. Do your research, get numbers and business cards on people you think are good and give them to her. Since bringing her to therapy is hard, try bringing therapy to her. It's a small step, but I think it'll help.

 

As to how to get her to a therapist, I can't tell you that. Honestly, I would look get that advice from a psychiatric professional, not a message board.

However, regarding as to who she probably should see, I can comment on that, from personal experience and from having psych professionals in the family.

A general practitioner, or any other primary care physician (internist, Pediatrics etc...) has absolutely no business prescribing any pyscho active drugs. Be they SSRI's, MAOI's or the hard stuff, none nada... Just because they can, means squat. They are not trained to accurately diagnose psychiatric problems.

Psychiatrists tend to just medicate and leave it at that, unless it is an unusually good one, and I have met a few that are. Psychiatrists should be in the background working with a PhD level Psychologist. Not an MS, and certainly not a BS level one.

That's my two cents. My best wishes for you and your GF.

Please consider, that at your age dealing with someone with serious mental problems may not be worth it. I have dated someone with severe depression, and while the sex was out of this world, all of the other problems just did not even it out. We dated for about 6 months before I moved on. Of course I was 31 at the time, and had been around the block a few more times than you, but it wasn't easy. It never is.

 

Whatever you do, Do Not call Dr. Phil.

 

She has to go once she realizes she has a problem. If you try and force her to go, she will resent you. She will go, only when she's ready.

 

I am not sure which medication she takes. I will find out.
When she drinks, at first she is just goofy/friendly like the average drunk, but she just goes to the extent of binge drinking most times that she drinks. When that becomes the case, the alcohol increases her negative feelings towards herself and she feels helpless.

She is convinced that counselors/therapists don't actually care and that they do it for money and will look down on here. I am in the process of explaining how that isn't the case, since I, and a number of my family members have seen very helpful counselors.


I would definitely go and see someone with her, if I were home. Unfortunately, I'm in Australia right now and have been for about a month now. We haven't been dating that long but we've really opened up to one another, and although I know most people would advise just getting the fuck out of there before it's too late, I am concerned for her and would like to do everything I can to help her get through this rough patch. If it cannot be done, I'll be happy knowing I did everything that I could.


She's back at home. However, she just expedited her passport and we're trying to get here out her for three weeks next month, if that happens I plan on flying back with her, because I want to attend my mom's graduation from college etc. That will still give me a decent amount of time to do a lot of adventuring and exploring while I'm out here.

^ You do have a point there.

Yes, psychiatrists tend to try and suppress the problem rather than delve into the cause of it and actually finding a solution.

Haha, the sex is out of this world, but that's not why I'm trying to help here a well as keep the relationship going.

btw, multiquote ftw.

 

Sorry to hear this. I too have dated someone with extreme insecurities, especially on how she looked (she was gorgeous) and she turned to alcohol and eating disorders. It is a tough tough road but like someone else mentioned, get info on counselors and make them available to her. Figure out a way that she doesn't have to pay if that is an issue and offer to go with her when you return home.

My live in ex started an alcohol abuse inpatient program along with completing eating disorder programs but finally her drinking got to me and I had no choice but to leave before it destroyed my life too.

Help her but make sure you don't go down with her

 

This is a tough one Nate, and I feel for you. I've dated both a severely insecure girl and also a raging alchoholic. Frankly, like others have said, if she won't seek treatment on her own, then there's not much you can really do. You can call around and get recommendations from a few psychologist offices, I'm sure they would have some good advice about how to get people to come in for consultations. It's admirable that you're trying to help her, especially when you're halfway across the world. Perhaps when she comes out to see you, you guys can have some serious conversation. It also makes things tough that you said you guys haven't really opened up to each other much. This could help explain why she isn't very open to hearing your opinions, if she still has walls and her guard up. See if you can get her to open up to you more if you care about her. Sometimes just having someone to talk to goes a LONG way.

 

I've been there too bro. Often it's the most gorgeous woman who is plagued with raging jealous and insecurity. I think it's because they are savvy enough to realize that beauty is their most valuable commodity and like all things physical, has an expiration date. My ex was also bulimic.

 

No, no. You misread, Chris, I said we have really opened up to one another, so I've got that in my favor. We had a pretty big blow out last night and I put my foot down, I won't be having her disregard what I say because she thinks her age equates to more maturity.

It may or may not have been a good idea, but I really drew the line. I made her decide whether or not she wants to book her flight, because I'm not going to put up with her calling me every time she is drunk and making me feel awful because I left the country, when I specifically told her I had plans to go from the day we met. She said she wants to and is going to come. So we will see what happens in the next few days.

Oh PS: Chris, you'd dig her, she owns a purebred pet (who is the sweetest dog on earth) and a retarded pit/retriever mix. Nice dogs.

 

Just watch out for yourself bubba. There's nothing wrong with trying to help her, but don't let it get to the point that she's bringing you down too.

 

Oh and when should I book my flight?

 

Yeah, I'm just about done with everything to be honest with you. My best friend back home said his girlfriend saw her at the fucking bar I work at, with her ex boyfriend, and he was kissing her on the neck and lips and she wasn't resisting.

She's not coming anymore, so come on over.

 

Nathanial



.....just away






the sex aint worth it

 

Yeah... I'm really bummed out right now. I feel like I should be more surprised... which isn't a good thing.

I don't know... I've never broken up with anyone before because I'm too nice and try till the bitter end. I guess that's gotta stop.

 

I don't know what I'm doing. She claims nothing happened at the bar... I don't think she's stupid enough to do that at the place i work at. But I don't know why my friend's girlfriend would make something up like that.

I'm really confused and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

 

Hate to be the barer of bad news but time to move on, deep down you know this too

 

Have to agree.

Sorry buddy...you'll have no problem finding a new girl when the time is right

 

Breaking up with her now is a lot cheaper than divorcing her later.

Just sayin...

 

Bahhh. She has made a date to meet and talk with my mom about everything, so that's a start. Hopefully, she will listen to my mom's advice and see someone who's profession is helping. If not, well then ya, you know.

I made out with a total babe the other night at a bar and fessed up to her about it and everything seems okay.

We will see what happens in the days to come, but, yea, if changes don't happen I will have no other decision than to cut ties.

 

Personally, I say live it up while you're over there and when you get back home maybe you two can work something out. You're only young once, and this might turn out to be the only trip like this you get to go on.

How long do you think you'll be staying there? My two friends were there for over a year, just moving around and taking odd jobs to pay for stuff and finally came home when they only had enough left for their plane tickets.

 

honestly sounds like an episode out of Jersey Shore.....making out here and making out there....the fuck?

Break up, and then you can make out all you want with other chicks.

 

And if you're too pussy to break up with her over the phone just send her this song on facebook and see if she gets the hint (my friend actually did this)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2LiXac13zU

 

If I was going to break up, it'd be via skype

 

Gnate,

There is no magic trick to this one. As many have said, if she's unwilling to help herself, you don't have many options.

I've had to have these conversations before. The only thing that ever resonated with her was when I pointed out that if she's unhappy with her present condition, she needs to do something. It's not going to go away on it's own. Wishing things were different and not doing anything to change won't lead anywhere.

I asked her if she wanted to live the rest of her life in the state she was in, because that's where it was headed. And if she wants different than what she has now, she needs to change what she's doing. Simple as that.

At the end of the day, if she's not responding to anything, you've got a hard choice to make. Difficult as it may be, you know how this story is going to end.

 

Just got a message from my gf's ex on facebook...

[Subject: Dude

Body: gonna send a message in a few days. dont block me from sending it. cuz em will prob tell u to.]

I have a really bad feeling about this.

 

In a few days?

 

Yeap.

So I said to him

[I know neither one of us has much reason to like the one another, that's perfectly understandable...but I'm gonna ask if you can let me know what's going on as soon as possible, I really need to know, especially considering she bought a plane ticket the other day...

Thanks. ]

and he responded with

[i got no reason not to like u man, if u dont like me for some reason that she made up thats totally fine. u got with an a great girl when she was single or maybe when we were still together i dont really know or care anymore, this isnt about me being mad that i found out my gf or ex-gf at the time fucked some other guy.

i have no idea how u guys left things when u left, so basically i told her id give her a couple days to tell u anything that she thinks you should know, instead of being the lying b that she truly is. ]

So if he has no idea how we left things when I left the country, that means she hasn't been expressing the fact that we decided to try long distance.

I'm waiting to see his response before I say anything to her about it, because I figure if I say anything now she will bitch at him and he won't bother telling me what I apparently need to know (but i can pretty much guess).

 

Wow. Apparently she was cheating on me the whole time with her ex, and she had him convinced that I was just her gay friend.

A good post for the FML thread?

 

^jersey shore.

you were to blind to see all the red flags.

 

If you had written a thread like this, I wouldn't go shoving shit in your face when you're obviously feeling like a total piece of shit. Thanks for that.

Sure, I noticed signs, but I didn't want to believe it, so I looked for excuses to tell myself. Yes, I am paying for my stupidity, I get it. Again, thanks for your input.

I'm not saying "give me sympathy" but, jesus, dude, I would at least try to cheer you up if you were going through this and I don't even know you.

 

I'm this blunt in person as well.
I'll share my recent break up, if that makes you feel any better.


dated for 2 years. XGirliefriend has a daughter.
I thought everything was going well. we never fought, always happy together. Went to the Houston rodeo one evening, thought everything went well butt she didnt speak to me for a whole weekend. On monday, she told me that she wasnt in love with me any more.

this girl had told me she wanted to be with me forever and ever and ever. "lets get married", "lets travel together", "you're the one", our bodies are meant for each other, etc.

I dont believe she was seeing any one else, and I wasnt seeing any one else either. BUTT, she dropped the bomb. She ended it, after 2 years almost 3.
This was a week ago.

She gave me bullshit reasons that if she truly wanted to fix, we could have worked things out. I have to accept the fact that either A) she was seeing someone else who treated her better, or Dicked her better. B) we truly weren't meant for each other.


Nate, you're young. I'm young. We both need to be smart in the people who we date.
if you cant see the signs early on, you're gonna end up hurt over and over again.

As for me, I'm on to the next.

 

Oh, next time I won't be naive, or try to lie to myself. Some people just can't change.

Anyways, I'll probably go get a cock massage tomorrow or something, since happy endings are legal here.

Or maybe I'll go to the club. We'll see how everything goes when I break up with her in an hour or so when she wakes up. I can't believe she bought a plane ticket out here after knowing she was doing this to me.

I hope, for her sake, that they do refunds, because I certainly won't be waiting at the airport for her.

 

I think getting stranded in the wrong hemisphere is fair punishment

 

Nah, although I was treated like shit, I'm not going to do that to someone. She obviously has problems, and I'm not going to be the one to fix them.

 

There you go!
it wasnt your place to fix the problems to begin with.

No more crazies okay, nate!