hondagirl

Ok, I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now..he says he is still in love with me, still cant believe he has a girlfriend as hot as me, yadda yadda yadda..BUT...he never wants to do anything with me anymore. I don't understand?? Ill ask him to go to a baseball game, a car show, away to the beach for a weekend, and he always says no and that he just wants to relax. He says he is just too tired from work to go out and all. HOWEVER, he is always fine to go play poker or go to the horse track..I can understand y'all need time to yourselves cause I know I don't like having him constantly on my side but its become so frequent that i just don't feel like he finds me attractive or something along that line? Am I wrong to feel like this? I have asked him why he never wants to do anything with me and if its because he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and he always replies with "i love you, you are reading waaay to far into this? Fellas, I need your help, and ladies too

moeronn

I don't know either of you personally, so I could be completely wrong, but this doesn't look good.

matelot

you thinking to much...he just wants some space.

TLover

I'm not trying to be funny, but: Are you guys having sex?

hondagirl

yea the sex is fine- still as frequent as when we first met. Just for the past three months or so, all we do is sit at home. We stay at home together, go to our family gatherings, and thats about it. But he is always okay and up for going out to play poker and doing stuff with the boys.

astro

he might just be tired but it sounds more like he's got something else on the go...

spidey07

He's suffering from depression. Hopefully he'll get the help he needs.

That and you guys need to talk about this. If he's unwilling to put forth the effort in your relationship then its time to find somebody who will.

You deserve to be loved.

hondagirl

I know he has been having a little bit of self-confidence issues lately. He is having a hard time dealing with the fact that i make more money than he does. He says it makes him feel worthless and that I could leave him and it wouldn't hurt me at all. I have reassured him over and over that money is not what makes us, and that i love him for him and he should feel the same for me regardless of the difference in our paychecks. But he pushes me away whenever i try to help..

TLover

OK, if the sex is fine, then chances are he's probably not cheating on you, but that's not a for-sure conclusion. Sounds like he's depressed, and he likes "hanging with the guys" because guys usually don't show concern or are oblivious to other men's depression, and, most importantly, don't judge other men like women do.

The best thing you can do is give him some space for now. If he continues to show signs of depression, you may want to talk to some of his guy friends to see whether they can talk to him.

SDCGTSX

I don't think it's as bad as everyone makes it out to be. It's definitely a problem but a fixable one. I personally run into this myself (I get bored) after like 2-3 months of a relationship and it's got an easy fix. He's getting complacent as a boyfriend and taking you for granted. He knows what he gets with you and he knows that he's happy to get sex without spending too much extra time with you and he'd rather spend time with his friends instead of with you. That doesn't necessarily mean that he's cheating or that he wants to break up but it does mean that he isn't being the best boyfriend in the world.

Honestly, I recommend that you find things to do with your friends or by yourself that has nothing to do with him. Go shopping, go hang out with your friends, your family (without him). If you tried to "talk about it" with him, it'll only exacerbate the problem. It's the last thing that he wants to do and he will only tell you that he doesn't understand why you think there's a problem, because he doesn't think there is one. He's happy with the relationship as is. It's YOU that's unhappy with the relationship. Trust me NOT doing the whole talk it over thing with this problem. It will only stifle him and make him think of you as more of a bother.

Also you are young. At 19, it's natural for him to want to not feel tied down. If you want him to be closer to you and want him to think of you 24/7, that may be unreasonable. If you just want him to appreciate you more and spend more time with you, give him space. Give him all the space he wants and then some. He'll start missing you in like a week or two and come begging to spend more time together. Make him work for spending time with you again like if you two were just starting out dating.

Complacency and taking each other for granted is a problem that all couples face. And it's something that everyone can work on whether you are 19 and just starting out or if you are 75 and really sick and tired of the hag... I mean, the wife.

SDCGTSX

Also, women think that when men are in a funk that they should TALK about it. That's what women do, they talk about things. Men don't like to talk about it. Women come to men looking to just talk about problems and they want men to just listen. Men will, of course, naturally try to solve the problem and tell you what you should do when you just want them to listen so you can vent. Conversely, men don't want to talk about their problems and I personally actually dislike it when women (gf, mom, sister) come asking me what's wrong. Guys don't ask unless it's a GLARING PROBLEM like your arm is missing or you have a gun to your head. NOTHING'S WRONG, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE is what I want to say. As others recommended, just watch for signs that things may be getting worse if they are. But a little funk is a normal part of the swings of life and honestly nothing you can do other than giving him space and just being there for him will help. Let HIM come to you YOU if he wants to talk. It seems like you are an understanding person who doesn't accuse men of things (you're on here asking instead of confronting him), so just continue to be that way and he'll let you know if there's a real problem.

hondagirl

SDCGTSX you are exactly right.
I tried talking it over with him before and his response is exactly what you said it would be. He couldn't figure out why i was so upset. And the more I tried to explain it was just that I feel lonely and unwanted, not that i was mad at him-the more upset he got and just kept pushing me away.
As for the age and being tied down..he is completely opposite. He reassures me all the time that there is no one he looks forward to spending the rest of his life with other than me.
Ill take your advice and make him work for me..he has always gotten everything he wanted without hesitation from me because I have always just wanted him to be happy.

Secret Agent

[QUOTE=SDCGTSX]

Honestly, I recommend that you find things to do with your friends or by yourself that has nothing to do with him. Go shopping, go hang out with your friends, your family (without him. Make him work for spending time with you again like if you two were just starting out dating.

I second that....

Ken1997TL

Be there for him, but don't push things. Let him have his space, keep your ears open. He may wish to talk to you about it sometime, but perhaps isnt ready.

Of course, he may just be tired

I dont know either of you well enough to say too much.

SDCGTSX

[QUOTE=Secret Agent]Thanks for the affirmation of the advice from a woman. BTW, if you look anything like your avatar, A. Jolie, I'm going to be visiting Chicago later this year.

Also, to Hondagirl, remember not to be a door mat either. Selfless devotion really only works if the other partner is also the same or if you are a dog. (I love my devoted dog btw) but if your partner is a normal somewhat selfish American male, then you are only going to be taken for granted after a while. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

matelot

what are you, psychic ?

spidey07

no, but my second profession is psychology.

chef chris

"Ill ask him to go to a baseball game, a car show, away to the beach for a weekend, and he always says no and that he just wants to relax."

If 'relax' to him means 'stay home & have sex'...then he's a normal 19 yr old male...

But...that doesn't mean you can't up the antie & shake things up a bit. Try going out alone/with friends...have some nice clothes on and really look good. That'll wake him up.

Doesn't sound like depression or anything along those lines...just young male behavior. It can be fixed.

chef chris

That's why it's your SECOND profession...let's keep it that way.

spidey07

yep, get him to therapy stat. He's got all the classic symptoms.

Let me guess? He has angry outbursts? Short fuse? Loss of confidence? Pushing others away?

Stress causes depression. No matter how strong the mind, it happens.

Hopefully you guys can nip this in the bud. stress/depression will break even the strongest of marriages/relationships.

fdl

Not sure why people are talking about him "needing space". She never said he doesnt want to see her, just that he doesnt want to go out places while they are together. So he is still spending just as much time with her, but would rather chill out at home.

hondagirl, I think you are reading too much into this. Is this the longest relationship you have had? Just curious because you cant expect to go out somewhere every single time you see each other for ever. Personally I like too just chill at home sometimes too. Its only natural, and hes probably just tired.

spidey07

hey, he's got all the classic symptoms.

Infamous425

something else to think about that nobody brought up yet.... maybe he has a gambling addiction

chef chris

Does this sound like a person suffering from depression to you? Is there such thing as 'selective depression' where he only exhibits signs of it for her & no one else? Those symptoms are possible in any person, not to mention, it's more likely that he'd be anxious than depressed from stress.

Really...you shouldn't be practicing medicine on the interweb.

I'm agreeing with FDL...there's probably nothing to read into this other than normal human behavior.

chef chris

Maybe you missed the rest of her posts...she states the sex life is fine, he does other things without her and he is a young male. Depressed people pull away from everyone, not just their s/o's...they certainly wouldn't be having regular sex...and jealousy over the principal money-maker may be a stressor in a normal relationship, but these guys are kids and don't even live together.

Where are the 'classic symptoms'?

chef chris

I think this man has the idea Hondagirl. I wouldn't read much more into this than what it is, a lull in your love-life. You can shake things up or move along...you're young & you say you're attractive...you seem intelligent & you say you make decent money...there's not much else you need to grab a winner.

Good luck with whatever happens.

matelot

fawkin'

you made your rather definitive diagnosis based on 2 net postings and not even straight from the subject ?????

tell me you simply "thinks/guesses" he has depression

Xenogen

Simply put..Your boyfriend wants you to break up with him.

TaroCake

I went through the same thing w/ my ex and now we're broken up.

I think it was both our faults. I was reading too much into it - overanalyzing and being too insecure. He was being defensive and unreasonable when I tried to talk to him about it. He would automatically put up this wall and (it seemed like) not want to understand/deal with it.

I agree with all the other people posting on here- find activities on your own and have girls night out. Nothing like your gfs to cheer you up and re-affirm the qualities that you have in you.

hondagirl

Thanks guys for all the advice...
And just to clear it all up: I don't want to go out all the time but the last time we went out was June 18th ( my birthday dinner) and thats it- Not even a trip to the store together or ANYTHING. So, I don't feel that I am asking too much but just to have someone who wants to do things with me.
And Infamous425, I think you are right. Everything that he doesnt do with me involves gambling ( track, poker, etc.)

CLpower

And when he does come to talk, treat him how you'd want to be. Men rarely open up, when they do, it means there is a problem

YOTH

You are wasting your time. He doesn't sound like he's grown up, in the sense that he doesn't understand what the responsibilities are in a relationship, but he is young so he has time to learn. Your relationship clock is ticking at a different pace than his and you'll either synchronize or breakup.

He might not feel secure in his outlook in life and being in a relationship might scare him even further. Again, he is too young to know what he wants to do in life. If you can wait for him to "grow up" then you'll have to understand that...otherwise go elsewhere for that love you are seeking.

btsilver

Maybe he just doesnt have any money to take you out and just doesnt wanna come out and say it.AW

hondagirl

If he has money to lose at poker with the guys he has money to go out...

SDCGTSX

Not if he's losing it at poker!

hondagirl

haha nooo..poker night is almost always saturday night. I am fridays

65 Fury Convert

We think a like on this one. This is exaclty what I'm thinking as well.

He isn't paying attention to you as much anymore. To get his attention back, find things to do with out him. When you show you have other interests he'll suddenly work for your attention.

hondagirl

Thanks so much guys! He will find out what it is like for me to be doing other things since school will be starting this coming week and I will still be maintaining my job. 30 hours of work and 18 hours of school a week. Thats why i really wanted to spend the weekend with him away at the beach or something. My last weekend without being buried in a school book or work

bigman

I hit slumps with my girl every once and a while, but it's all good. Sometimes i just want to be alone. Dont take it personal, at one point or another you will need to be alone as well.

YOTH

Wait a sec...I just realized we're talking about teenagers (technically). Good god...u don't have any idea how many b/f and g/f the two of you will go thru. Stop complaining...enjoy life with or without him. Geez ... I thought back to my life at 19 and damn if I would ever fall back into the teenager issues. I'm out!